jlh44music

> Try just reflecting back his feelings to him - commiserating - when
he begins to complain about not being directed by you. "Sounds like
you feel a bit bored." Then just stop - the hardest part is *not*
adding "Why don't you ....." Accept any of his ideas for what he
might do next with equanimity. He might suggest activities he thinks
you will approve of (more than movies etc). Try "Sure, if that's what
you feel like doing." He might try to test you by choosing activities
he feels you won't tolerate any more of (more gaming etc.) Try "Sure,
if that's what you feel like doing." Take your own emotions out of
the interaction if you can. >>>>

Thank you for these suggestions. We're starting
homeschooling/unschooling (for the first time) after the end of the
current school year, for the first time. Sometimes I add the "why
don't you" part instead of listening. dd is in 6th grade, so we're
planning lots of deschooling time, in fact, I let her have time now
as much as possible, including her current interest on-line (Rune
Scape), and not worry too much about "grades". She will be
finishing the current school year (for many different reasons that
we're all comfortable with) then be free! (both of us, I'm quitting
my full time job as well). We'll BOTH be deschooling, for as long as
it takes.

> Needing friends is another issue from the idea of how he "should" be
spending his time, and on what types of activities. Many parents of
teens and near teens have reported success by focusing on helping
their kids pursue their interests with groups or societies founded on
the interest, rather than looking for age-peers.>>>>

Good point (founded on the interest), and one that fits my daughter.
She's pretty independent, cautious, and gaining confidence every day
about expressing her opinion and not mimicking the "popular" kids and
what's expected.

>>>I endorse all of Pam's suggestions about the reading material.
Also try making "to Trust" an action, rather than waiting for it
first to become a feeling. >>>

I've been reading and researching for 2 years, there's so much
information out there, keep learning. I had never heard of
unschooling until I started to consider homeschooling a couple of
years ago. Now I'm on board, we just need to get on with it. I know
we'll have some bumps, but I'm also positive we'll work them out!
Jann