[unschoolingbasics] Limits and preschool driver
[email protected]
I hope no one minds if I combine threads. I'm trying to reconcile
reasonable limits and gentle parenting.
In a message dated 6/10/2004 8:24:44 AM Eastern Standard Time,
marbleface@... writes:
**If I'm on the phone, and a kid comes up to me to talk (which always seems
to
happen) I point at the phone and say it is important, or somesuch, if it is
--
sometimes phone calls are more important than "Hey, Mom, look at this cool
thing I drew." If the house was on fire or the kid was injured, the phone
call
would not be as important.
Just life, imo. Which has limits but doesn't have to have more than
necessary. **
This just sounds really down to earth. I think I was beginning to feel
guilty if there was ANYTHING that seemed more important than what my kids are
doing RIGHT NOW. Maybe that was just a swing a little to far from the
controlling/disciplining type of parenting. Yes, my kids are very important and so is
what they think/make/do, but sometimes I have something on the stove, or I'm
on the phone (not just chatting, but taking care of family business or
whatever).
**You made groceries more important than your baby. That sounds harsh but
I hope you can think about this in a new way. What if you had to go by more
milk? The price of milk is not greater
than your sons comfort and happiness.**
I am trying to think about this in a new way, and nothing is more important
than my baby. But he's actually 3.5, almost 4 now, and does gentle parneting
not allow you to say, *I love you and you are important to me, but we need to
go home and put away our groceries before they spoil.* If he understands
that, great. But if he doesn't, we still need to be able to do things that he
doesn't yet understand sometimes. In my family right now every penny counts,
twice:) Every time we waste money, I have to be away from my family more as
I am the *primary breadwinner* for a little while longer. I actually went
to the grocery store before picking him up so that I wouldn't have to take a
tired child in the grocery store, I actually was thinking about what was best
for him well in advance.
**Surely you've "wasted" a few dollars on something that would brighten
your day, a new lipstick or nail polish or something.**
Not in a long time. And I don't resent that. Actually my weakness would be
music or toys for the kids. But my husband has been in school fulltime for
two years as part of a career change. He has been out of the house six days
a week, mostly twelve hours days, so that he can have a more stable long term
job and take over the bread winner position. We are all really looking
forward to that.
I hope that doesn't sound ultra defensive and I REALLY DO take all the
advice seriously. I appreciate everone for taking the time to read, think about
and respond to other peoples problems and questions.
Cheryl
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
reasonable limits and gentle parenting.
In a message dated 6/10/2004 8:24:44 AM Eastern Standard Time,
marbleface@... writes:
**If I'm on the phone, and a kid comes up to me to talk (which always seems
to
happen) I point at the phone and say it is important, or somesuch, if it is
--
sometimes phone calls are more important than "Hey, Mom, look at this cool
thing I drew." If the house was on fire or the kid was injured, the phone
call
would not be as important.
Just life, imo. Which has limits but doesn't have to have more than
necessary. **
This just sounds really down to earth. I think I was beginning to feel
guilty if there was ANYTHING that seemed more important than what my kids are
doing RIGHT NOW. Maybe that was just a swing a little to far from the
controlling/disciplining type of parenting. Yes, my kids are very important and so is
what they think/make/do, but sometimes I have something on the stove, or I'm
on the phone (not just chatting, but taking care of family business or
whatever).
**You made groceries more important than your baby. That sounds harsh but
I hope you can think about this in a new way. What if you had to go by more
milk? The price of milk is not greater
than your sons comfort and happiness.**
I am trying to think about this in a new way, and nothing is more important
than my baby. But he's actually 3.5, almost 4 now, and does gentle parneting
not allow you to say, *I love you and you are important to me, but we need to
go home and put away our groceries before they spoil.* If he understands
that, great. But if he doesn't, we still need to be able to do things that he
doesn't yet understand sometimes. In my family right now every penny counts,
twice:) Every time we waste money, I have to be away from my family more as
I am the *primary breadwinner* for a little while longer. I actually went
to the grocery store before picking him up so that I wouldn't have to take a
tired child in the grocery store, I actually was thinking about what was best
for him well in advance.
**Surely you've "wasted" a few dollars on something that would brighten
your day, a new lipstick or nail polish or something.**
Not in a long time. And I don't resent that. Actually my weakness would be
music or toys for the kids. But my husband has been in school fulltime for
two years as part of a career change. He has been out of the house six days
a week, mostly twelve hours days, so that he can have a more stable long term
job and take over the bread winner position. We are all really looking
forward to that.
I hope that doesn't sound ultra defensive and I REALLY DO take all the
advice seriously. I appreciate everone for taking the time to read, think about
and respond to other peoples problems and questions.
Cheryl
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
-----Original Message-----
From: Luckiebyrd@... [mailto:Luckiebyrd@...]
Sent: Thursday, June 10, 2004 11:05 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Limits and preschool driver
**You made groceries more important than your baby. That sounds harsh but
I hope you can think about this in a new way. What if you had to go by more
milk? The price of milk is not greater
than your sons comfort and happiness.**
"I am trying to think about this in a new way, and nothing is more
important
than my baby. But he's actually 3.5, almost 4 now, and does gentle
parneting
not allow you to say, *I love you and you are important to me, but we need
to
go home and put away our groceries before they spoil.* If he understands
that, great. But if he doesn't, we still need to be able to do things that
he
doesn't yet understand sometimes. In my family right now every penny
counts,
twice:) Every time we waste money, I have to be away from my family more
as
I am the *primary breadwinner* for a little while longer. I actually went
to the grocery store before picking him up so that I wouldn't have to take
a
tired child in the grocery store, I actually was thinking about what was
best
for him well in advance."
Hi, Cheryl,
You don't sound super defensive to me, just like you are trying to figure
this all out, and I give you loads of credit for asking your questions,
listening to answers that may be hard to hear, and trying to work out
something new. I am really a big advocate of "answers that feel like they
work for all of you". The bottom line to me in this situation would be that
my son not only hear he is important to me by my saying those word but feel
that too. If I force him into his carseat he will not feel this. Part of
it is knowing by trial and error what might work with your particular kid to
possibly work something out. With mine I might try something like "I hear
how much you really want to drive the car right now and not wait. And it
does sound like fun! Mommy would really like to get the milk home so it's
not yucky and we don't have to throw it out. How about if I get you one of
those [insert name of something you bought at the store he might like to
have] we bought at the store to eat in your carseat for now, and then when
we get home in the driveway, you can sit with me and help me drive up to the
front door? Then you could practice your pretend driving while Mommy gets
the groceries inside?" This might or might not fly depending on his mood,
how much he would like a popsicle and how open to compromise he feels. I
would spend some time trying other ideas (sing a special song, hey, after
you drive us up the driveway we could do our fun races you like). Bottom
line, I've found he feels more like meeting me halfway if he feels his needs
are heard or he finds a fun alternative that feels okay. If none of my
ideas made it, and it really came down a choice of forcing him into the seat
or losing the milk, even on a tight budget (which is true of us also), I'd
chaulk the milk up to a loss this one time and likely try to arrange not to
get perishible items with my son in tow until he is older and you could
perhaps make a deal he could both understand and stick to (which certainly
my 3 1/2 yr old couldn't do at this age yet) ahead of time to get the
perishible items home quickly. Maybe your husband could pick up perishibles
on the way home from work instead - or you could work out some other kind of
arrangement. That's not as convenient, but it honors both your needs.
To speak to Nance's post, which makes lots of sense to me, weighing and
measuring the importance of things is an ongoing challenge and I think
questioning what Ren called our "knee jerk reactions" is really important
part of that. I've found my own sense of "what seems more important and
what doesn't seem mroe important" to have changed a lot. No matter what
your choice of what's important and what's not is at any given point in
time, the way in which you communicate that to your child and taking time
and patience to include and balance their needs with yours will make all the
difference. My kids have a lot of difficulty with me being on the phone.
It is a need I have to be on it sometimes, and not always when they are
completely distracted. I've found with my daughter that the issue is "it
feels endless". So if I commit to a certain amount of time and set the
timer she feels okay giving me space to have my call knowing that the timer
will go off and I'll respect her need for me to get off. The particulars of
how you work it out are not that important, but what feels important to me
is finding the patience and being tenacious and caring enough of my children
to include their needs.
Hope that helps...
Joan
From: Luckiebyrd@... [mailto:Luckiebyrd@...]
Sent: Thursday, June 10, 2004 11:05 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Limits and preschool driver
**You made groceries more important than your baby. That sounds harsh but
I hope you can think about this in a new way. What if you had to go by more
milk? The price of milk is not greater
than your sons comfort and happiness.**
"I am trying to think about this in a new way, and nothing is more
important
than my baby. But he's actually 3.5, almost 4 now, and does gentle
parneting
not allow you to say, *I love you and you are important to me, but we need
to
go home and put away our groceries before they spoil.* If he understands
that, great. But if he doesn't, we still need to be able to do things that
he
doesn't yet understand sometimes. In my family right now every penny
counts,
twice:) Every time we waste money, I have to be away from my family more
as
I am the *primary breadwinner* for a little while longer. I actually went
to the grocery store before picking him up so that I wouldn't have to take
a
tired child in the grocery store, I actually was thinking about what was
best
for him well in advance."
Hi, Cheryl,
You don't sound super defensive to me, just like you are trying to figure
this all out, and I give you loads of credit for asking your questions,
listening to answers that may be hard to hear, and trying to work out
something new. I am really a big advocate of "answers that feel like they
work for all of you". The bottom line to me in this situation would be that
my son not only hear he is important to me by my saying those word but feel
that too. If I force him into his carseat he will not feel this. Part of
it is knowing by trial and error what might work with your particular kid to
possibly work something out. With mine I might try something like "I hear
how much you really want to drive the car right now and not wait. And it
does sound like fun! Mommy would really like to get the milk home so it's
not yucky and we don't have to throw it out. How about if I get you one of
those [insert name of something you bought at the store he might like to
have] we bought at the store to eat in your carseat for now, and then when
we get home in the driveway, you can sit with me and help me drive up to the
front door? Then you could practice your pretend driving while Mommy gets
the groceries inside?" This might or might not fly depending on his mood,
how much he would like a popsicle and how open to compromise he feels. I
would spend some time trying other ideas (sing a special song, hey, after
you drive us up the driveway we could do our fun races you like). Bottom
line, I've found he feels more like meeting me halfway if he feels his needs
are heard or he finds a fun alternative that feels okay. If none of my
ideas made it, and it really came down a choice of forcing him into the seat
or losing the milk, even on a tight budget (which is true of us also), I'd
chaulk the milk up to a loss this one time and likely try to arrange not to
get perishible items with my son in tow until he is older and you could
perhaps make a deal he could both understand and stick to (which certainly
my 3 1/2 yr old couldn't do at this age yet) ahead of time to get the
perishible items home quickly. Maybe your husband could pick up perishibles
on the way home from work instead - or you could work out some other kind of
arrangement. That's not as convenient, but it honors both your needs.
To speak to Nance's post, which makes lots of sense to me, weighing and
measuring the importance of things is an ongoing challenge and I think
questioning what Ren called our "knee jerk reactions" is really important
part of that. I've found my own sense of "what seems more important and
what doesn't seem mroe important" to have changed a lot. No matter what
your choice of what's important and what's not is at any given point in
time, the way in which you communicate that to your child and taking time
and patience to include and balance their needs with yours will make all the
difference. My kids have a lot of difficulty with me being on the phone.
It is a need I have to be on it sometimes, and not always when they are
completely distracted. I've found with my daughter that the issue is "it
feels endless". So if I commit to a certain amount of time and set the
timer she feels okay giving me space to have my call knowing that the timer
will go off and I'll respect her need for me to get off. The particulars of
how you work it out are not that important, but what feels important to me
is finding the patience and being tenacious and caring enough of my children
to include their needs.
Hope that helps...
Joan
[email protected]
Thanks Joan
That does help alot. You gave me alot of good ideas. Using the timer for
phone calls could be a godsend.
<<No matter what your choice of what's important and what's not is at any
given point in
time, the way in which you communicate that to your child and taking time
and patience to include and balance their needs with yours will make all the
difference.>>
That is going on my fridge in big letters.
Thank you again Joan and everyone for your thoughtful responses.
Cheryl
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
That does help alot. You gave me alot of good ideas. Using the timer for
phone calls could be a godsend.
<<No matter what your choice of what's important and what's not is at any
given point in
time, the way in which you communicate that to your child and taking time
and patience to include and balance their needs with yours will make all the
difference.>>
That is going on my fridge in big letters.
Thank you again Joan and everyone for your thoughtful responses.
Cheryl
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]