M

Hi All, My ds 7 just came to me asking if he could get an app for his Ipod. It costs $1.99. Before I could answer he offered to pay for it himself. I said ok and entered the password for him to purchase it.

The thing is I feel guilty taking the $ from him. I know it is great that he offered to take his own $ and pay for it. I just want to know 1) are my feelings normal, and 2) did I do the right thing?

I never had to pay my parents for anything but I grew up aware that I couldn't always get what I wanted and that they sacrificed a lot for my siblings and I. I Think this is where the guilt comes from. I only started paying them for things since entered my 30's ie. their old cars,
oil changes that my dad does for us. I recently turned 33, and this is an odd thing for my parents and myself. They are more willing to accept my offer to pay for things now than in the beginning. Yes the guilt of "taking my child's money" definitely comes from my relationship with my parents.

Thoughts???

Thanks,
Marissa

Joyce Fetteroll

On Feb 6, 2013, at 11:56 AM, M wrote:

> Yes the guilt of "taking my child's money" definitely comes from my relationship with my parents

Being able to pay for something on your own is empowering. :-)

Right now, though, I'd say "Thank you for offering! But don't worry about it." If they insist, then spending their own money is important to them on that.

There will come an occasional time when you might feel more comfortable if they spent their money, but it should be occasional.

Joyce

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M

Thanks Joyce. I haven't taken the money, but did agree to it. I'll talk to him when he gets in. He's off to a friends house.

Iska Scholl

My children pay for some things themselves. I take the money and either put it in an envelope to give back to them when they are older or put it in their bank account. I am making ds 9, pay me back $60 for part of a Lego thing that he wanted. It is taking some time because he only gets money for certain chores, but I want him to understand now where money comes from and what it takes to earn it.
Iska

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Sent from my iPod

Meredith

Iska Scholl wrote:
>I want him to understand now where money comes from and what it takes to earn it
**************

If you're willing to be somewhat transparent about your own finances and share your decision-making process with your kids, there's no need to create these kinds of lessons about money - which, like all lessons have veeeerrrrrry mixed results. Despite parental fears, there's no actual evidence that chores and chore-based allowances set anyone up to learn any useful skills - if anything, there's a lot of evidence to the contrary! Most of the people who are bad with money received it on the condition of chores as kids. That's the downside of Any kind of teaching - not only does it not guarantee learning, it frequently undermines it.

There's more on the subject of chores here:

http://sandradodd.com/chores/

>>I am making ds 9, pay me back $60 for part of a Lego thing that he wanted.

That's kind of like insisting a school child pay for his own books and supplies. Toys and games are some of the key "educational materials" of childhood (better than school books and supplies, too - kids certainly learn more from them, and more enjoyably). Any time you're balking at spending money on something for a child, it can help to consider how much you would otherwise be spending on books or a curriculum.

---Meredith

Joyce Fetteroll

On Feb 7, 2013, at 12:11 PM, Iska Scholl wrote:

> but I want him to understand now where money comes from and what it takes to earn it.

They will view the world as adults do when they're adults. There's no need to teach them.

Unschooling is about understanding how they'll learn from living life without setting up situations specifically for them to learn a lessons. Quite often the lesson we think we're trying to teach them isn't the lesson they're learning.

Joyce

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Debra Rossing

I agree with Joyce

There are times when they WANT to do it, it's empowering and it's learning about how the world works in their own experience (not just watching parents pay for stuff). Way back when, DS wanted to buy a plastic light saber. It cost about $15 or so. He saved up and saved up (mind you, he was maybe 7 or so at the time and got about $10 per month allowance). He'd save, then spend a little, and so on. And, he had determined that he needed TWO of them so he could battle with someone else (mostly me lol). That's $30 plus tax. Once he'd gotten to about $20, I offered to pitch in the rest for "my" light saber. He said most definitively NO, he was going to do it himself. And he did! He was so thrilled to hand over his OWN money to the cashier and leave triumphantly with HIS purchase.

One thing we've noticed over the years is that a history of openness with resources (money, time, stuff) has led us to see a teenager who is both thrifty (he hates paying full price for videogames - he'd rather watch Youtube playthrus for two months and wait for the price to drop) AND generous with his resources. Oh, also, while we have often been somewhat 'relaxed' about collecting his $2-$3 type "borrowings", we are diligent/prompt about repaying if we borrow from him (yes, that happens, he often has more cash on hand at home than us adults).

Deb R


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