Tina M

Hello all!

My dd is spending 10-12 hours a day on the computer. She is 12. She spends a lot of time on social media sites chatting & role playing with her friends. She spends a lot of time on youtube watching her favorite bands, listening to their music in addition to unearthing long ago interviews with the band members. She also writes a great deal of fan fiction.

We are temporarily living with my Mom, so I feel like we are always under scrutiny. I have been straight forward with my Mom about discipline & what my dd does and does not do. Maybe this is what is making me so nervous about her time spent on the computer. I miss her! We don't take our daily walk, and the only time we get time together is when we are going to bed together. She does see her bestie once a week, but b/c she lives 30 miles from us, so we only get to see her once a week. We go to the Library almost everyday, but while there she often hops on the computer. We don't have enough unschooling friends for support. I should also mention that we are smack dab in the middle of deschooling. Dh finally let go of math & english.

Dd wants to be a tatoo artist/piercer as her career. I'm having a difficult time finding things to "do" to keep her interest piqued & her passion alive (if this is what she wants).

I miss her! We are used to spending a great deal of time together. She's an only. Maybe I'm intimidated by her burgeoning autonomy. Idk, I just don't feel comfortable w/her spend so much time on the computer

Thank you in advance for your thoughtful reponses.
Tina
Salem, Oregon

regan

Hi Tina,

I'm interested in what others will write, others who have children your daughter's age and older, but I'm moved to write because your daughter sounds so much like ME!
Beware, I am projecting�

My time was before the computer age, so I spent my free time writing long penpal letters to my distant friends (I had 100 penpals at one point), and trading magazine clippings with each other about our favorite bands. I would watch MTV for hours trying to catch the short interviews they'd intersperse with the videos, so that I could record them and rewatch them. The penpal network would unearth old demo tapes and pass them around in the mail. We'd import magazines from England (at like $15 per magazine) so that we could access other photos and interviews.

I felt very far away from this world of culture I was so interested in. I felt firmly entrenched in fandom, and didn't know that crossing over to being one of the artists was just a dream away. When I became an adult, I was shocked to discover that there was a *local* music scene that matched the one I was supporting from overseas.

In your daughter's place, this is some of what I would have wanted:
- to visit local recording studios and see musicians at work
- to design my own tattoos and have them made into temporary tattoos (did you know, this costs about $30?)
- to have a decent camera and an understanding of mixed-lighting conditions, and attend all-ages concerts for the subculture of music I was interested in, and take photos of the bands
- to have access to an instrument and recording software so that I could experiment with writing music myself
- to have great drawing supplies and books on drawing and graphic arts
- to have great photo books about tattoos
- to learn about jewelry making. art clay silver in particular! http://beadwares.com/class.shtml
- to watch music documentaries about other musicians in the same subculture I was already into -- love learning how other creatives found their way to the public eye

Anyway, I hope some of these thoughts are good conversation fodder for you and your daughter. For me, it was fun to imagine a do-over, everything that I would have tried so much sooner!

all my best,
Regan in NYC (my son is 3.75)




On Jan 27, 2013, at 2:18 PM, "Tina M" <tmcadams81670@...> wrote:

> Hello all!
>
> My dd is spending 10-12 hours a day on the computer. She is 12. She spends a lot of time on social media sites chatting & role playing with her friends. She spends a lot of time on youtube watching her favorite bands, listening to their music in addition to unearthing long ago interviews with the band members. She also writes a great deal of fan fiction. [�]


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Cheri Stewart

> My dd is spending 10-12 hours a day on the computer.
>
I am right there with you. We began homeschooling mid-November. Dd has some issues that require medication, so in addition to deschooling, we are dealing with trying to stabilize that. The only thing she shows any interest in is the computer. I am lucky that she is actually interested in her online algebra program and Rosetta Stone German, but reading is out the window for the foreseeable future. :(

As far as the online business, I try to focus on making sure she is being safe and try to let her follow her own interests.
> I miss her! We are used to spending a great deal of time together.
>

My dd is also an only. I know how you feel! I think if you focus on making your time together enjoyable and do things you both like, they will be times she will look forward to.

I really don't have a lot of answers, just wanted to let you know you are not the only one!

>


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Renae R

I do not have much advice to give and don't really want to weigh-in on the
computer time issues. But, from reading your email, I am wondering if it
really is about the computer time or more about you feeling disconnected
from her? You talk about the loss of your daily walks- was this a part of
your old routine? Have you talked to her about your wish to go for walks
or spend time together?

Renae



On Sun, Jan 27, 2013 at 1:18 PM, Tina M <tmcadams81670@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
>
> Hello all!
>
> My dd is spending 10-12 hours a day on the computer. She is 12. She spends
> a lot of time on social media sites chatting & role playing with her
> friends. She spends a lot of time on youtube watching her favorite bands,
> listening to their music in addition to unearthing long ago interviews with
> the band members. She also writes a great deal of fan fiction.
>
> We are temporarily living with my Mom, so I feel like we are always under
> scrutiny. I have been straight forward with my Mom about discipline & what
> my dd does and does not do. Maybe this is what is making me so nervous
> about her time spent on the computer. I miss her! We don't take our daily
> walk, and the only time we get time together is when we are going to bed
> together. She does see her bestie once a week, but b/c she lives 30 miles
> from us, so we only get to see her once a week. We go to the Library almost
> everyday, but while there she often hops on the computer. We don't have
> enough unschooling friends for support. I should also mention that we are
> smack dab in the middle of deschooling. Dh finally let go of math & english.
>
> Dd wants to be a tatoo artist/piercer as her career. I'm having a
> difficult time finding things to "do" to keep her interest piqued & her
> passion alive (if this is what she wants).
>
> I miss her! We are used to spending a great deal of time together. She's
> an only. Maybe I'm intimidated by her burgeoning autonomy. Idk, I just
> don't feel comfortable w/her spend so much time on the computer
>
> Thank you in advance for your thoughtful reponses.
> Tina
> Salem, Oregon
>
>
>


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Jen Beeman

I am not an experienced unschooler so I will leave the reassurance to
others (though this all sounds like typical teen stuff to me, schooled or
unschooled).

Some ideas that she might be interested in for the tattoo artist/ piercer
passion:
Visiting a tattoo /piercing shop
getting a piercing
making a tattoo gun - tattoo artists practice on things like pig ears
drawing
tattoo convention
henna
pinterest - she could have boards full of tattoos and piercing she loves
creating her own temporary tattoos

What is it that she is drawn to about being a tattoo artist and piercer?
Maybe she would be interested in getting an edgy hair cut and color? It
seems like it would be good to focus on what she likes about the idea
rather than that specific career path since she might make another choice
in the next 6 years - that's as long as half her life so far!

Jen


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Joyce Fetteroll

On Jan 27, 2013, at 2:18 PM, Tina M wrote:

> My dd is spending 10-12 hours a day on the computer. She is 12.
> She spends a lot of time on social media sites chatting & role
> playing with her friends.

First, that sounds very typical for deschooling, She's been very needful of it and is now trying to fill up. She will make room for other things when she's less "hungry". The interest isn't likely to go away but she'll feel less desperate to take in all she's been missing.

Could she also be hiding? Is there tension between her and your mom or between you and your mom?

What about joining her? Bring in cups of tea or hot chocolate and a plate of nice snacks for both of you every day. If you're disconnected from her music, from the bands she likes there's less for her to share with you when you do get together. Ask her about her best friends on line. Be open and nonjudgmental. She's figuring out human relationships -- which are *way* more complex than math and English!

If she has unusual interests, the internet is an awesome way to connect with people. My daughter is into heavy metal music which made it very hard to find local kids who liked the same. She's met some great kids online, some she ended up visiting. In fact she's roommates with one right now. :-)

Rather than trying to draw her back into your world and the interests you had in common, ask her to share some music she thinks you might like as well as some of her favorites. It can open the door to you sharing some of what you loved as a teen. Will she share her fan fiction with you? Don't be surprised if it's romantic, perhaps even guy on guy romantic. That's very common. (And if she hasn't written any of that yet, she probably will! ;-)

Keep offering the walks periodically. Maybe drive to interesting places to walk. Stop somewhere along the way to up the fun factor.

> I'm having a difficult time finding things to "do" to keep her interest
> piqued & her passion alive (if this is what she wants).

It's not your role to keep her interest piqued. Her interest will feed itself, seeking stuff out and pulling it in.

Your role is to bring stuff towards her that she might not have known about or couldn't reach on her own.

Especially with tattoos, there's a wealth of stuff on line. The Pinterest suggestion is a good one. She can create her own collection. She can follow others who are collecting.

Joyce

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Debra Rossing

Occasionally, DS (14, always unschooled) will get into a totally flipped sleep schedule (where he's waking up close to when I'm ready for bed and he's falling asleep when I'm getting up). Most of the time that passes within a few days as his sleep schedule turns. But, sometimes it goes longer. When it does, I might mention to him as we're snuggling in passing (so to speak) that I miss spending time with him and can we maybe plan to do something special (like a 'date' to Starbucks - one of his fav places to hang out, we get a beverage and treat then play cribbage or scrabble or something that is portable like that - used to bring the battleship game along sometimes). He's usually quite willing to plan something for the near future and we both adjust our schedules to make it work.

Also, I would bet that the new extra time she's spending online is her way of dealing with the stress of living with grandma. I know that my hubby reacts to stress by retreating into videogames for a time. Once the stress recedes so does the extra time on gaming. If you're still deschooling PLUS have just moved AND have to live with grandma, that's a lot of stress for anyone, much less a child who has ZERO control over most of what has just happened.

DebR


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Deb Lewis

***Dd wants to be a tattoo artist/piercer as her career. I'm having a difficult time finding things to "do" to keep her interest piqued & her passion alive (if this is what she wants).***

Probably some of the band members of her favorite music groups have tattoos. You could look those up or ask her. You could point out interesting tattoos on celebrities. If she likes movies you can look for tattoos on characters. You could ask her to design a tattoo for you and she could go with you when you get the work done. (If you like tattoos too, sometimes it’s genetic. <g> ) Visit tattoo places and look at designs and body jewelry. Maybe she’d like to try henna?

***Idk, I just don't feel comfortable w/her spend so much time on the computer***


Leaving school or school at home, living with grandma, those are big changes. If you have been or are stressed she might be feeling disconnected from you, too. Be glad she has something that comforts and interests her.

“...on the computer” sounds like one thing, but you’ve listed a lot of things she’s doing: Chatting with friends, role playing with friends, listening to music, watching videos, reading interviews, writing. In there somewhere she’s probably looking at tattoo designs and stumbling upon all kinds of interesting connections. That’s a lot.

Can you walk together just before bed, if she wants? Dylan and I used to walk late at night. It’s a wonderful time to talk.

Can you offer more outings to places that would interest her? Offer but don’t insist. If she chooses to stay home be cool with that.

Deb Lewis





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Tina M

Joyce,

Yes! Thanks for the insight. She is in conflict w/my Mom. I get it that she is hiding. My dd is also into heavy metal bands & this is how she has found friends with the same interests. Thank you!

Thank you all for the beautiful insight. I love this group. Yesterday, I did spend a good 2 hours watching interviews & listening to music w/her.

Thanks again!
Tina
Salem, OR.

Dana Hoffman Ellis

> You talk about the loss of your daily walks- was this a part of
> your old routine? Have you talked to her about your wish to go for walks
> or spend time together?

Do you have tattoo parlors you could walk by to look at the art? Pick a different one to walk to every day? I realize that depends on where you live, but where I am that could keep you in walks for a while!

Dana

Sent from my iPad

>


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Meredith

"Tina M" wrote:
> My dd is spending 10-12 hours a day on the computer.

Step back from "the computer" and see what's she's actually doing. She's interested in music so she's listening to it, researching it, analyzing it, reading about bands and musicians and sharing that information with others. She's interested in stories so she's reading them, writing them, acting them out with other people, publishing them online. That's a lot. Just writing can take up hours and hours a day - and if she was writing on paper or in a journal you still wouldn't see very much of her. She's a busy person!

> She is 12.

And she's 12 - she's not the little girl who could drop whatever she was playing to go someplace with her mom. Mom's not that exciting anymore compared to other things she's learning. Maybe she's kind of an introvert and is getting most of her needs met socializing online - my daughter does.

Someone commented that living with your mom could be an issue and I agree - it could be causing some stress so you're daughter is pulling in to her own world more. That would be especially true if she's kind of introverted - too many people around! I know when my stepson is around my daughter pulls more into her own world - not because she dislikes him or he's even intruding on her space, he's just one more person to deal with, and some days that's too many.

The internet is a fantastic tool for people who are introverted btw - it's a great way to connect with other people in ways introverts find really meaningful. Don't discount online friendships or thing they're in any way less than face-to-face friendships.

---Meredith

Meredith

Cheri Stewart wrote:
> The only thing she shows any interest in is the computer.

As I wrote to Tina - don't see the computer as One thing. That would be like seeing "outdoors" as one thing.

>> I am lucky that she is actually interested in her online algebra program and Rosetta Stone German
***************

There's two different things right there - but it seems unlike a kid would spend a whole day on them. What else does she do? Games? Social media? Youtube? Those are all much bigger, more interesting, and more packed with learning than a couple academic programs.

>but reading is out the window for the foreseeable future.

Don't equate "reading" with books! If she's doing anything at all online she's reading and reading and reading.

---Meredith

T McAdams

Hi Jen!

Dd's hair is green & blue! XD! She wears a tail and has studded bracelets &
belts. I have dressed her as a kitty and we go into public. Thanks for the
fun suggestion, but we're already alternative. She is vehement about same
sex marriage & transgender rights. She's pretty amazing. No more pig tails
or braids.
Warmly,
Tina
Salem, Oregon


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