salary
fundayeveryday
Question: How do "stay at home'' parents in this group deal with any feelings of resentfulness
toward the spouse who comes home with a paycheck. I am blessed to be home with my four
children, so I'm trying to suppress these feelings but suppressing is quite dangerous to any
relationship....any suggestions are welcomed. Thank you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
toward the spouse who comes home with a paycheck. I am blessed to be home with my four
children, so I'm trying to suppress these feelings but suppressing is quite dangerous to any
relationship....any suggestions are welcomed. Thank you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 4, 2012, at 8:50 AM, fundayeveryday wrote:
Do you resent his freedom?
Do you resent that you're dependent on him?
Do you resent something in his demeanor?
Joyce
> Question: How do "stay at home'' parents in this group deal with any feelings of resentfulnessCan you elaborate a bit more? What do you resent?
> toward the spouse who comes home with a paycheck. I am blessed to be home with my four
> children, so I'm trying to suppress these feelings but suppressing is quite dangerous to any
> relationship
Do you resent his freedom?
Do you resent that you're dependent on him?
Do you resent something in his demeanor?
Joyce
fundayeveryday
Well, I'm reading the book Focusing by Eugene Gendlin and just yesterday was able to attach the word 'resentful' to how I have been feeling at times.
From your questions, I can say that it probably is about dependency and his demeanor. The story behind these feelings could make
this a more complicated issue than I thought!
We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family. I know that I am contributing in countless ways by being present (home) for my children and am thankful every single moment that I am with them to help them grow into happy individuals, but.... why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary contribution to what I do? Is this something internal that I need
to deal with?
From your questions, I can say that it probably is about dependency and his demeanor. The story behind these feelings could make
this a more complicated issue than I thought!
We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family. I know that I am contributing in countless ways by being present (home) for my children and am thankful every single moment that I am with them to help them grow into happy individuals, but.... why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary contribution to what I do? Is this something internal that I need
to deal with?
Meredith
fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...> wrote:
As odd as it may seem, you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction Because you're living your dream - and life is still life. There are still repetitive tasks, dull moments, frustrations and a million other imperfections. Some people become very unhappy for awhile after achieving a particular dream lifestyle; once the novelty wears off, the world is still the world and you're still you.
Whether that's true or not, it could be really helpful to think about what you imagine someone else's life is like - your husband's, maybe, or a working friend's life. What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours? Build up that fantasy as rich as you like, but be aware that it Is a fantasy. That even if the person you're imagining is living his or her dream life, it's not more special or perfect - it still has dull times, repetitive tasks, frustrations and hassles in it. Giving up one dream life for another won't necessarily make you any happier.
Once you have a sense of what you lack, look for ways to bring those things into your life or change your attitude about them. Do you miss real grown-up conversation? Join a study group or a book club - maybe online - so you can have some. Do you want to solve real, meaningful problems rather than kid-problems? Volunteer. Join a political action group. Become an advocate of some sort. Again, that might be something you do online or on weekends while your husband has the kids. Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family.
To use an analogy, if you were an artist, working a day job to support your art, you might very well have the same internal struggles and insecurities. Are you a Real artist if you're not "making a living" at it? Are you a Real artist if you don't sell your work at all? And if you were selling your work you could Still have the same insecurities - are you making work just to feed the hungry masses and paying the bills? Is your work Worth anything, really?
These kinds of questions and feelings aren't confined to women and mothers (or artists, either) - they're "universal". They aren't even confined to the question of no pay/low pay and self esteem. They're some of the big, deep questions of existence: what is the value of a person's life? How do you measure that value? They're philosophical or spiritual questions. You don't need to label them "resentment" - that's a setup for conflict with your partner, who may be wrestling with the same questions in his own way. After all, he's Just the breadwinner - the convenient workhorse to your glamorous unschooling life ;)
Unschooling at its core is about perspectives: learning is based on an individual's perspective; relationships are based on the perspectives of the people involved in them. Don't get so bogged down focusing on resentment that you miss the perspectives of the people around you.
---Meredith
>> We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family***************
As odd as it may seem, you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction Because you're living your dream - and life is still life. There are still repetitive tasks, dull moments, frustrations and a million other imperfections. Some people become very unhappy for awhile after achieving a particular dream lifestyle; once the novelty wears off, the world is still the world and you're still you.
Whether that's true or not, it could be really helpful to think about what you imagine someone else's life is like - your husband's, maybe, or a working friend's life. What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours? Build up that fantasy as rich as you like, but be aware that it Is a fantasy. That even if the person you're imagining is living his or her dream life, it's not more special or perfect - it still has dull times, repetitive tasks, frustrations and hassles in it. Giving up one dream life for another won't necessarily make you any happier.
Once you have a sense of what you lack, look for ways to bring those things into your life or change your attitude about them. Do you miss real grown-up conversation? Join a study group or a book club - maybe online - so you can have some. Do you want to solve real, meaningful problems rather than kid-problems? Volunteer. Join a political action group. Become an advocate of some sort. Again, that might be something you do online or on weekends while your husband has the kids. Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family.
>> why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary contribution to what I do?*************
To use an analogy, if you were an artist, working a day job to support your art, you might very well have the same internal struggles and insecurities. Are you a Real artist if you're not "making a living" at it? Are you a Real artist if you don't sell your work at all? And if you were selling your work you could Still have the same insecurities - are you making work just to feed the hungry masses and paying the bills? Is your work Worth anything, really?
These kinds of questions and feelings aren't confined to women and mothers (or artists, either) - they're "universal". They aren't even confined to the question of no pay/low pay and self esteem. They're some of the big, deep questions of existence: what is the value of a person's life? How do you measure that value? They're philosophical or spiritual questions. You don't need to label them "resentment" - that's a setup for conflict with your partner, who may be wrestling with the same questions in his own way. After all, he's Just the breadwinner - the convenient workhorse to your glamorous unschooling life ;)
Unschooling at its core is about perspectives: learning is based on an individual's perspective; relationships are based on the perspectives of the people involved in them. Don't get so bogged down focusing on resentment that you miss the perspectives of the people around you.
---Meredith
fundayeveryday
To send a clearer picture of what I am speaking of, I have to rule out some things first...
(you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction )...
It's definitely not dissatisfaction because no matter what happens during the day with the kids, I am thrilled to be doing what I am doing.
( What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours?)...
What I stated is a lack of income- in my name, a personal monetary contribution. What I'm getting at is beyond what is being spoken about here.
My husband's paycheck is used for bills, obviously, but when it comes time for extra spending (hair cut, family birthday presents) I have a feeling that
I am spending money that isn't mine because I have to ask for it or let him know about the spending.
(Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family.)
My goodness, I am not saying his life is better than mine-in fact, he and I both know we couldn't do what the other person does for a living.
(You don't need to label them "resentment")
The label does sound bad, but actually it is the premise of focusing. The author of the book I mentioned says in order to get a handle on our emotions we need to find a word that attaches itself to that emotion, otherwise we are just floundering around thinking 'I don't know why I feel this way or that way when we talk about (money)". Using the word resentful has led me to the feeling that technically he doesn't have to report to anybody about his spending, whether it is for the family or for himself. Let me say that we both know where every dollar is spent because it is talked about, it's just a matter of me having to ask when I need money because I don't have any!!!! lol. That is probably why I stated feeling "inferior" in an earlier post.
I think I may have posed my question incorrectly. When I asked 'how do people deal with any feelings of resentment' , I wasn't thinking philosophically so much as
literally with an "allowance" or 'budget for mom' type thing. Maybe that explanation of my thoughts will help with the replies. Sorry for the confusion.
From: Meredith <plaidpanties666@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2012 1:33 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: salary
fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...> wrote: >> We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family *************** As odd as it may seem, you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction Because you're living your dream - and life is still life. There are still repetitive tasks, dull moments, frustrations and a million other imperfections. Some people become very unhappy for awhile after achieving a particular dream lifestyle; once the novelty wears off, the world is still the world and you're still you. Whether that's true or not, it could be really helpful to think about what you imagine someone else's life is like - your husband's, maybe, or a working friend's life. What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours? Build up that fantasy as rich as you like, but be aware that it Is a fantasy.
That even if the person you're imagining is living his or her dream life, it's not more special or perfect - it still has dull times, repetitive tasks, frustrations and hassles in it. Giving up one dream life for another won't necessarily make you any happier. Once you have a sense of what you lack, look for ways to bring those things into your life or change your attitude about them. Do you miss real grown-up conversation? Join a study group or a book club - maybe online - so you can have some. Do you want to solve real, meaningful problems rather than kid-problems? Volunteer. Join a political action group. Become an advocate of some sort. Again, that might be something you do online or on weekends while your husband has the kids. Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family. >> why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary
contribution to what I do? ************* To use an analogy, if you were an artist, working a day job to support your art, you might very well have the same internal struggles and insecurities. Are you a Real artist if you're not "making a living" at it? Are you a Real artist if you don't sell your work at all? And if you were selling your work you could Still have the same insecurities - are you making work just to feed the hungry masses and paying the bills? Is your work Worth anything, really? These kinds of questions and feelings aren't confined to women and mothers (or artists, either) - they're "universal". They aren't even confined to the question of no pay/low pay and self esteem. They're some of the big, deep questions of existence: what is the value of a person's life? How do you measure that value? They're philosophical or spiritual questions. You don't need to label them "resentment" - that's a setup for conflict with your partner, who may be
wrestling with the same questions in his own way. After all, he's Just the breadwinner - the convenient workhorse to your glamorous unschooling life ;) Unschooling at its core is about perspectives: learning is based on an individual's perspective; relationships are based on the perspectives of the people involved in them. Don't get so bogged down focusing on resentment that you miss the perspectives of the people around you. ---Meredith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
(you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction )...
It's definitely not dissatisfaction because no matter what happens during the day with the kids, I am thrilled to be doing what I am doing.
( What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours?)...
What I stated is a lack of income- in my name, a personal monetary contribution. What I'm getting at is beyond what is being spoken about here.
My husband's paycheck is used for bills, obviously, but when it comes time for extra spending (hair cut, family birthday presents) I have a feeling that
I am spending money that isn't mine because I have to ask for it or let him know about the spending.
(Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family.)
My goodness, I am not saying his life is better than mine-in fact, he and I both know we couldn't do what the other person does for a living.
(You don't need to label them "resentment")
The label does sound bad, but actually it is the premise of focusing. The author of the book I mentioned says in order to get a handle on our emotions we need to find a word that attaches itself to that emotion, otherwise we are just floundering around thinking 'I don't know why I feel this way or that way when we talk about (money)". Using the word resentful has led me to the feeling that technically he doesn't have to report to anybody about his spending, whether it is for the family or for himself. Let me say that we both know where every dollar is spent because it is talked about, it's just a matter of me having to ask when I need money because I don't have any!!!! lol. That is probably why I stated feeling "inferior" in an earlier post.
I think I may have posed my question incorrectly. When I asked 'how do people deal with any feelings of resentment' , I wasn't thinking philosophically so much as
literally with an "allowance" or 'budget for mom' type thing. Maybe that explanation of my thoughts will help with the replies. Sorry for the confusion.
From: Meredith <plaidpanties666@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2012 1:33 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: salary
fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...> wrote: >> We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family *************** As odd as it may seem, you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction Because you're living your dream - and life is still life. There are still repetitive tasks, dull moments, frustrations and a million other imperfections. Some people become very unhappy for awhile after achieving a particular dream lifestyle; once the novelty wears off, the world is still the world and you're still you. Whether that's true or not, it could be really helpful to think about what you imagine someone else's life is like - your husband's, maybe, or a working friend's life. What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours? Build up that fantasy as rich as you like, but be aware that it Is a fantasy.
That even if the person you're imagining is living his or her dream life, it's not more special or perfect - it still has dull times, repetitive tasks, frustrations and hassles in it. Giving up one dream life for another won't necessarily make you any happier. Once you have a sense of what you lack, look for ways to bring those things into your life or change your attitude about them. Do you miss real grown-up conversation? Join a study group or a book club - maybe online - so you can have some. Do you want to solve real, meaningful problems rather than kid-problems? Volunteer. Join a political action group. Become an advocate of some sort. Again, that might be something you do online or on weekends while your husband has the kids. Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family. >> why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary
contribution to what I do? ************* To use an analogy, if you were an artist, working a day job to support your art, you might very well have the same internal struggles and insecurities. Are you a Real artist if you're not "making a living" at it? Are you a Real artist if you don't sell your work at all? And if you were selling your work you could Still have the same insecurities - are you making work just to feed the hungry masses and paying the bills? Is your work Worth anything, really? These kinds of questions and feelings aren't confined to women and mothers (or artists, either) - they're "universal". They aren't even confined to the question of no pay/low pay and self esteem. They're some of the big, deep questions of existence: what is the value of a person's life? How do you measure that value? They're philosophical or spiritual questions. You don't need to label them "resentment" - that's a setup for conflict with your partner, who may be
wrestling with the same questions in his own way. After all, he's Just the breadwinner - the convenient workhorse to your glamorous unschooling life ;) Unschooling at its core is about perspectives: learning is based on an individual's perspective; relationships are based on the perspectives of the people involved in them. Don't get so bogged down focusing on resentment that you miss the perspectives of the people around you. ---Meredith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
I don't have resentment over David making the money and me spending it. He makes enough that we don't have to consider every dollar spent, and even when we did, he was considering every dollar he spent as much as I was. He also has never thought of it has his money and not mine. I have, on occasion, thought of it that way. And I am very grateful that he earns money so that we can live the life we live. But the sense of not having my own money has faded with experience of his generosity.
I know people who have a set amount over which money discussions occur. So you can spend up to 100 dollars and after that you discuss the item being purchased. The amount can change based on financial circumstances. My mother-in-law had an allowance of sorts. My father-in-law would pay her a salary, I believe, although it wasn't really stated as such. So, still, she has her own money.
Why do you need to ask him for the money, or tell him what you've spent? If David spends money I like to know because I am the budget keeper. It isn't totally necessary, but it helps for our monthly budget if I know when it needs to be re-jigged. I'm not keeping tabs on his spending out of any meanness, but because money matters to how our lives go. It's an our team kind of thing.
In my experience thinking about it as being on the same team, working together has really helped me to not feel as though what I do has less merit than what David does. I'm not earning money directly, but I am doing work and service in our family that David supports financially and that has value. Absolute value, even without financial remuneration. And, even though it is such a good life.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, 5 November 2012, 7:25
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: salary
To send a clearer picture of what I am speaking of, I have to rule out some things first...
(you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction )...
It's definitely not dissatisfaction because no matter what happens during the day with the kids, I am thrilled to be doing what I am doing.
( What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours?)...
What I stated is a lack of income- in my name, a personal monetary contribution. What I'm getting at is beyond what is being spoken about here.
My husband's paycheck is used for bills, obviously, but when it comes time for extra spending (hair cut, family birthday presents) I have a feeling that
I am spending money that isn't mine because I have to ask for it or let him know about the spending.
(Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family.)
My goodness, I am not saying his life is better than mine-in fact, he and I both know we couldn't do what the other person does for a living.
(You don't need to label them "resentment")
The label does sound bad, but actually it is the premise of focusing. The author of the book I mentioned says in order to get a handle on our emotions we need to find a word that attaches itself to that emotion, otherwise we are just floundering around thinking 'I don't know why I feel this way or that way when we talk about (money)". Using the word resentful has led me to the feeling that technically he doesn't have to report to anybody about his spending, whether it is for the family or for himself. Let me say that we both know where every dollar is spent because it is talked about, it's just a matter of me having to ask when I need money because I don't have any!!!! lol. That is probably why I stated feeling "inferior" in an earlier post.
I think I may have posed my question incorrectly. When I asked 'how do people deal with any feelings of resentment' , I wasn't thinking philosophically so much as
literally with an "allowance" or 'budget for mom' type thing. Maybe that explanation of my thoughts will help with the replies. Sorry for the confusion.
From: Meredith <plaidpanties666@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2012 1:33 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: salary
fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...> wrote: >> We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family *************** As odd as it may seem, you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction Because you're living your dream - and life is still life. There are still repetitive tasks, dull moments, frustrations and a million other imperfections. Some people become very unhappy for awhile after achieving a particular dream lifestyle; once the novelty wears off, the world is still the world and you're still you. Whether that's true or not, it could be really helpful to think about what you imagine someone else's life is like - your husband's, maybe, or a working friend's life. What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours? Build up that fantasy as rich as you like, but be aware that it Is a fantasy.
That even if the person you're imagining is living his or her dream life, it's not more special or perfect - it still has dull times, repetitive tasks, frustrations and hassles in it. Giving up one dream life for another won't necessarily make you any happier. Once you have a sense of what you lack, look for ways to bring those things into your life or change your attitude about them. Do you miss real grown-up conversation? Join a study group or a book club - maybe online - so you can have some. Do you want to solve real, meaningful problems rather than kid-problems? Volunteer. Join a political action group. Become an advocate of some sort. Again, that might be something you do online or on weekends while your husband has the kids. Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family. >> why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary
contribution to what I do? ************* To use an analogy, if you were an artist, working a day job to support your art, you might very well have the same internal struggles and insecurities. Are you a Real artist if you're not "making a living" at it? Are you a Real artist if you don't sell your work at all? And if you were selling your work you could Still have the same insecurities - are you making work just to feed the hungry masses and paying the bills? Is your work Worth anything, really? These kinds of questions and feelings aren't confined to women and mothers (or artists, either) - they're "universal". They aren't even confined to the question of no pay/low pay and self esteem. They're some of the big, deep questions of existence: what is the value of a person's life? How do you measure that value? They're philosophical or spiritual questions. You don't need to label them "resentment" - that's a setup for conflict with your partner, who may be
wrestling with the same questions in his own way. After all, he's Just the breadwinner - the convenient workhorse to your glamorous unschooling life ;) Unschooling at its core is about perspectives: learning is based on an individual's perspective; relationships are based on the perspectives of the people involved in them. Don't get so bogged down focusing on resentment that you miss the perspectives of the people around you. ---Meredith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I know people who have a set amount over which money discussions occur. So you can spend up to 100 dollars and after that you discuss the item being purchased. The amount can change based on financial circumstances. My mother-in-law had an allowance of sorts. My father-in-law would pay her a salary, I believe, although it wasn't really stated as such. So, still, she has her own money.
Why do you need to ask him for the money, or tell him what you've spent? If David spends money I like to know because I am the budget keeper. It isn't totally necessary, but it helps for our monthly budget if I know when it needs to be re-jigged. I'm not keeping tabs on his spending out of any meanness, but because money matters to how our lives go. It's an our team kind of thing.
In my experience thinking about it as being on the same team, working together has really helped me to not feel as though what I do has less merit than what David does. I'm not earning money directly, but I am doing work and service in our family that David supports financially and that has value. Absolute value, even without financial remuneration. And, even though it is such a good life.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, 5 November 2012, 7:25
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: salary
To send a clearer picture of what I am speaking of, I have to rule out some things first...
(you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction )...
It's definitely not dissatisfaction because no matter what happens during the day with the kids, I am thrilled to be doing what I am doing.
( What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours?)...
What I stated is a lack of income- in my name, a personal monetary contribution. What I'm getting at is beyond what is being spoken about here.
My husband's paycheck is used for bills, obviously, but when it comes time for extra spending (hair cut, family birthday presents) I have a feeling that
I am spending money that isn't mine because I have to ask for it or let him know about the spending.
(Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family.)
My goodness, I am not saying his life is better than mine-in fact, he and I both know we couldn't do what the other person does for a living.
(You don't need to label them "resentment")
The label does sound bad, but actually it is the premise of focusing. The author of the book I mentioned says in order to get a handle on our emotions we need to find a word that attaches itself to that emotion, otherwise we are just floundering around thinking 'I don't know why I feel this way or that way when we talk about (money)". Using the word resentful has led me to the feeling that technically he doesn't have to report to anybody about his spending, whether it is for the family or for himself. Let me say that we both know where every dollar is spent because it is talked about, it's just a matter of me having to ask when I need money because I don't have any!!!! lol. That is probably why I stated feeling "inferior" in an earlier post.
I think I may have posed my question incorrectly. When I asked 'how do people deal with any feelings of resentment' , I wasn't thinking philosophically so much as
literally with an "allowance" or 'budget for mom' type thing. Maybe that explanation of my thoughts will help with the replies. Sorry for the confusion.
From: Meredith <plaidpanties666@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2012 1:33 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: salary
fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...> wrote: >> We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family *************** As odd as it may seem, you might be experiencing some dissatisfaction Because you're living your dream - and life is still life. There are still repetitive tasks, dull moments, frustrations and a million other imperfections. Some people become very unhappy for awhile after achieving a particular dream lifestyle; once the novelty wears off, the world is still the world and you're still you. Whether that's true or not, it could be really helpful to think about what you imagine someone else's life is like - your husband's, maybe, or a working friend's life. What do you think is so desirable about that other life that you resent it's lack in yours? Build up that fantasy as rich as you like, but be aware that it Is a fantasy.
That even if the person you're imagining is living his or her dream life, it's not more special or perfect - it still has dull times, repetitive tasks, frustrations and hassles in it. Giving up one dream life for another won't necessarily make you any happier. Once you have a sense of what you lack, look for ways to bring those things into your life or change your attitude about them. Do you miss real grown-up conversation? Join a study group or a book club - maybe online - so you can have some. Do you want to solve real, meaningful problems rather than kid-problems? Volunteer. Join a political action group. Become an advocate of some sort. Again, that might be something you do online or on weekends while your husband has the kids. Do you want "financial independence"? Ah, now, That's part of the your-life-is-better-than-mine fantasy. The breadwinner of a family isn't independent of that family. >> why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary
contribution to what I do? ************* To use an analogy, if you were an artist, working a day job to support your art, you might very well have the same internal struggles and insecurities. Are you a Real artist if you're not "making a living" at it? Are you a Real artist if you don't sell your work at all? And if you were selling your work you could Still have the same insecurities - are you making work just to feed the hungry masses and paying the bills? Is your work Worth anything, really? These kinds of questions and feelings aren't confined to women and mothers (or artists, either) - they're "universal". They aren't even confined to the question of no pay/low pay and self esteem. They're some of the big, deep questions of existence: what is the value of a person's life? How do you measure that value? They're philosophical or spiritual questions. You don't need to label them "resentment" - that's a setup for conflict with your partner, who may be
wrestling with the same questions in his own way. After all, he's Just the breadwinner - the convenient workhorse to your glamorous unschooling life ;) Unschooling at its core is about perspectives: learning is based on an individual's perspective; relationships are based on the perspectives of the people involved in them. Don't get so bogged down focusing on resentment that you miss the perspectives of the people around you. ---Meredith
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Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 4, 2012, at 4:25 PM, fundayeveryday wrote:
Then each month you can either roll it over or ask for how much more you need to top it off, depending on how tight the finances are.
Joyce
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> I wasn't thinking philosophically so much asWhat about having a set amount of money to spend each month on whatever you need rather than asking for each bit? If you have records, go back and find out how much you're spending on average each month on the little things you keep asking about: the haircuts, the presents and so forth. Then you'll have a lot more discretion on how you spend it. You'll be able to skimp on one thing to get something else. Right now the goal seems to be "Spend as little as possible," which means every time you spend money you need to justify it.
> literally with an "allowance" or 'budget for mom' type thing
Then each month you can either roll it over or ask for how much more you need to top it off, depending on how tight the finances are.
Joyce
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Heather Stafford
We did pretty much this exact approach when we were first married. We didn't have kids yet and I was still working, but my husband made considerably more than I did (and given our professions- physician vs. ecologist- we knew that he always would). After we got married and combined our money, I was really uncomfortable about the discrepancy for a while, so we established separate discretionary money accounts for each of us. When we payed the bills each month, we "paid" ourselves as well. That money was for each of us to do with as we pleased without having to justify our purchases with the other. We held onto this system for a while (I think we were still doing this when our first child was born and I was no longer working or contributing to the family income), but after a while I realized that I no longer needed this. My husband has always been very generous about our family money and never worried about any of this, so it was really
just me who was concerned about it. Once I fully realized that, it was easier to let it go and stop worrying about it myself. Another thing that helped me a lot was being in charge of the family budget- I balance the checkbook and pay the bills each month, so I know exactly how much money we need and how much is extra and available to be spent on other stuff (mostly the extra money goes to the kids, but my husband and I have expenses once in a while as well). My husband and I joke about how he makes the money and I spend it, but I know he greatly values my contribution to the family even though it is rarely monetary. I think he's also glad to not have to worry too much about where the money goes (ie. I pay the bills and am responsible for acquiring everything the kids need/want). My husband recently changed jobs, so he's asked to take over paying the bills and setting the budget for a while, and I'm completely happy to let him do it for as
long as he wishes because I've grown quite comfortable with where the money comes from and how it's utilized. So maybe it will be just a matter of time for you to get used to this change in your lives and your relationship.
I hope some of that might help you! -Heather
________________________________
From: Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2012 3:10 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] salary
just me who was concerned about it. Once I fully realized that, it was easier to let it go and stop worrying about it myself. Another thing that helped me a lot was being in charge of the family budget- I balance the checkbook and pay the bills each month, so I know exactly how much money we need and how much is extra and available to be spent on other stuff (mostly the extra money goes to the kids, but my husband and I have expenses once in a while as well). My husband and I joke about how he makes the money and I spend it, but I know he greatly values my contribution to the family even though it is rarely monetary. I think he's also glad to not have to worry too much about where the money goes (ie. I pay the bills and am responsible for acquiring everything the kids need/want). My husband recently changed jobs, so he's asked to take over paying the bills and setting the budget for a while, and I'm completely happy to let him do it for as
long as he wishes because I've grown quite comfortable with where the money comes from and how it's utilized. So maybe it will be just a matter of time for you to get used to this change in your lives and your relationship.
I hope some of that might help you! -Heather
________________________________
From: Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2012 3:10 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] salary
On Nov 4, 2012, at 4:25 PM, fundayeveryday wrote:
> I wasn't thinking philosophically so much as
> literally with an "allowance" or 'budget for mom' type thing
What about having a set amount of money to spend each month on whatever you need rather than asking for each bit?
Meredith
fundayeveryday <kristenssrr@...> wrote:
If you're legally married, though, that's as true of the "home" partner as it is for the "working" partner: you own his assets as much as he does. Have the two of you ever talked about your expectations wrt your co-joined assets? Does he agree that he doesn't need to report or justify discretionary expenditures but you do? Or is that something you're imposing on the relationship, based on your own baggage and experience?
That's what I mean about identifying what's causing the sense of lack - it might be something as nuts and bolts as a lack of communication.
At the same time it Is philosophical though, because you're resentful about it. It's not just a logistical puzzle, it's personal; about you As a person; you even used the word "inferior". Maybe the problem is that you've Made it personal, tied these ideas of resentment and inferiority to something that really can be just a logistical puzzle: how do we divvy up the resources? The moment divvying up resources becomes more than number crunching it's a universal philosophical conundrum: what is the worth of the individual in terms of available resources?
That's a particular philosophy right there ;) Another is that words don't attach themselves to anything, people do the attaching. So for some reason you picked the word "resentment" to describe an uncomfortable feeling about finances and added the word "inferior" for good measure. That's not an accident! Especially not given the history of marriage and the rights of women. A lot of historical and cultural messages were pointing you hard at those labels - so many that it's well worth questioning the labels themselves. Because if the issue is really one of resentment and perceived inferiority, setting up a "mom's budget" isn't necessarily going to fix anything. You could just as easily feel like you're getting a handout from your sugar daddy.
In a way, this is a kind of deschooling - it's part of the process of picking apart the voices and messages in your head which you believe without questioning them. Just as it's possible for kids to learn to read without being taught, it's possible to have a conversation about family finances without turning it into a re-hash of the suffrage movement ;)
---Meredith
>technically he doesn't have to report to anybody about his spending, whether it is for the family or for himself.***************
If you're legally married, though, that's as true of the "home" partner as it is for the "working" partner: you own his assets as much as he does. Have the two of you ever talked about your expectations wrt your co-joined assets? Does he agree that he doesn't need to report or justify discretionary expenditures but you do? Or is that something you're imposing on the relationship, based on your own baggage and experience?
That's what I mean about identifying what's causing the sense of lack - it might be something as nuts and bolts as a lack of communication.
>>I wasn't thinking philosophically so much asIt can be a real relief to have clarity around finances - whether you call that a budget or allowance or "family discretionary spending". It's helpful for kids too! One of the reasons kids will badger parents "can I have? can I have? can I have?" is that the details of family finances can be pretty darned opaque. That's why some families find budgets and allowances work well with kids - and others find it better to be very transparent about finances without setting a "solid" number.
> literally with an "allowance" or 'budget for mom' type thing.
At the same time it Is philosophical though, because you're resentful about it. It's not just a logistical puzzle, it's personal; about you As a person; you even used the word "inferior". Maybe the problem is that you've Made it personal, tied these ideas of resentment and inferiority to something that really can be just a logistical puzzle: how do we divvy up the resources? The moment divvying up resources becomes more than number crunching it's a universal philosophical conundrum: what is the worth of the individual in terms of available resources?
>The author of the book I mentioned says in order to get a handle on our emotions we need to find a word that attaches itself to that emotion*************
That's a particular philosophy right there ;) Another is that words don't attach themselves to anything, people do the attaching. So for some reason you picked the word "resentment" to describe an uncomfortable feeling about finances and added the word "inferior" for good measure. That's not an accident! Especially not given the history of marriage and the rights of women. A lot of historical and cultural messages were pointing you hard at those labels - so many that it's well worth questioning the labels themselves. Because if the issue is really one of resentment and perceived inferiority, setting up a "mom's budget" isn't necessarily going to fix anything. You could just as easily feel like you're getting a handout from your sugar daddy.
In a way, this is a kind of deschooling - it's part of the process of picking apart the voices and messages in your head which you believe without questioning them. Just as it's possible for kids to learn to read without being taught, it's possible to have a conversation about family finances without turning it into a re-hash of the suffrage movement ;)
---Meredith
fundayeveryday
Okay..I'm thrilled b/c every response was great and I have to say that Meredith's more recent post was so right, it's scary..lol!
Words like communication, expectations, baggage and experiences, making it personal, imposing things on our relationship. And since we
are deschooling, I am trying to be more in touch with everyone's feelings (including mine!) which is leading to
all sorts of realizations about feelings I've had for years. It is a bit overwhelming because I feel at times that
I am having some out of body experience when I say 'yes' or 'okay' to my kids so much more. Or when I actually
tell my children 'I understand how you are feeling'..it just feels right now. But getting back to my original concern,
I now see that I have a lot more to think about and talk about with my husband! Thanks a bunch to everybody.
Kristen
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Words like communication, expectations, baggage and experiences, making it personal, imposing things on our relationship. And since we
are deschooling, I am trying to be more in touch with everyone's feelings (including mine!) which is leading to
all sorts of realizations about feelings I've had for years. It is a bit overwhelming because I feel at times that
I am having some out of body experience when I say 'yes' or 'okay' to my kids so much more. Or when I actually
tell my children 'I understand how you are feeling'..it just feels right now. But getting back to my original concern,
I now see that I have a lot more to think about and talk about with my husband! Thanks a bunch to everybody.
Kristen
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[email protected]
I have a feeling that
I am spending money that isn't mine because I have to ask for it or let him know about the spending.
***********
Why? Why do you have things set up in a way that makes either one of you have to ask the other one for money? We are and have been broke for years and live on one income. But it is "our" money. It goes into a joint bank account and cash in the house is in an envelope to take from. We discuss major purchases and pinch pennies as a matter of course. We don't splurge but we know we each need gas or haircuts or other necessities. I would never put up with a system that required me to go to DH every time I needed $20 for gas or $200 for groceries. I spend most of the money because that's how we do it -- I do bills and groceries and anything else requiring bookkeeping and an outlay of money. He earns it all. But it is our money and accessible to both of us. You should both be keeping track of how the money is spent as a matter of course but you should set up a system that gives each of you access and responsibility.
I am spending money that isn't mine because I have to ask for it or let him know about the spending.
***********
Why? Why do you have things set up in a way that makes either one of you have to ask the other one for money? We are and have been broke for years and live on one income. But it is "our" money. It goes into a joint bank account and cash in the house is in an envelope to take from. We discuss major purchases and pinch pennies as a matter of course. We don't splurge but we know we each need gas or haircuts or other necessities. I would never put up with a system that required me to go to DH every time I needed $20 for gas or $200 for groceries. I spend most of the money because that's how we do it -- I do bills and groceries and anything else requiring bookkeeping and an outlay of money. He earns it all. But it is our money and accessible to both of us. You should both be keeping track of how the money is spent as a matter of course but you should set up a system that gives each of you access and responsibility.
Meredith
"marbleface@..." <marbleface@...> wrote:
There are times when George asks me for money. I like to squirrel some away for emergencies and he's not good at keeping a "reserve" if he can see it - so I keep a certain amount of money "out of sight out of mind" and he appreciates that because when something goes wrong he Can ask me for money. And unless it's been a real disaster of a year (we've had a few!) I usually have some. But asking isn't about "my" money or "his" money - it's a strategy for allocating resources which takes into account our personalities and personal baggage.
Personally, I find it stressful to try and keep track of how much money is in the account at any given time. Some of that has to do with the ups and downs of self-employment and some has to do with the fact that George and I have very different approaches to managing the finances. So instead I do the saving and he does the spending.
---Meredith
> Why do you have things set up in a way that makes either one of you have to ask the other one for money?****************
There are times when George asks me for money. I like to squirrel some away for emergencies and he's not good at keeping a "reserve" if he can see it - so I keep a certain amount of money "out of sight out of mind" and he appreciates that because when something goes wrong he Can ask me for money. And unless it's been a real disaster of a year (we've had a few!) I usually have some. But asking isn't about "my" money or "his" money - it's a strategy for allocating resources which takes into account our personalities and personal baggage.
>>You should both be keeping track of how the money is spent as a matter of course****************
Personally, I find it stressful to try and keep track of how much money is in the account at any given time. Some of that has to do with the ups and downs of self-employment and some has to do with the fact that George and I have very different approaches to managing the finances. So instead I do the saving and he does the spending.
---Meredith
Colleen
****We are living our dream by having me home with our children, so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary to a person's worth and contribution to the family. I know that I am contributing in countless ways by being present (home) for my children and am thankful every single moment that I am with them to help them grow into happy individuals, but.... why do I feel 'inferior' because there is no monetary contribution to what I do? Is this something internal that I need to deal with?****
There are lots of people who equate their personal worth with their monetary worth or their ability to bring dollars into their family.
For me, money is simply a means-to-an-end a way to pay for things or experiences my family wants or needs. My husband and I both work part-time and mostly from home, to cover our living expenses and give us plenty of time together with our son. Money does not come into play for me when I consider Meaning of Life type questions and my net worth doesn't figure in my personal definition of who/what I'm all about. So though I'm aware people some people think that way, it's not my way of looking at life :-)
The authors of Freakonomics look at everything from an economic perspective and make their arguments accordingly. Often, they boil things down to dollars and cents as a part of that. Their work and writing are very interesting to me but I often find myself disagreeing. For example, they make a case against eating local foods, but that case is built largely around costs and I don't personally eat mostly-local because it costs less (or more) than eating non-local foods. I do it for taste, health benefits, accountability (I like knowing exactly who grew my food), etc. So while I can appreciate their argument, it's not one I'd make if I were talking about Ways To Choose Your Food :-)
As with so many other things, it's a matter of perspective where does money come in when you're thinking about who you are and where/who you want to be (not a question you need to answer here :-)).
If money is an important part of how you think of yourself then it might make sense to include money-making experiences in your life (part time, freelance, etc. if you want to continue to stay home with your children at the same time), to ensure you have what you're looking for in terms of a salary. Or it might make sense to look online for the articles that talk about how to calculate the work a wife/mother does at home (laundry, cleaning, cooking, childcare, etc.) in dollar terms giving you an idea of how much all the work you do would add up to, if you had to pay someone else to do it. Or, related but different, the articles online that talk about how much money one parent can save the family by Not Working cost of a second car, work wardrobe and dry-cleaning, take-out foods when there's no time to cook, nannies/childcare since you're no longer home with your children, etc.
Colleen
There are lots of people who equate their personal worth with their monetary worth or their ability to bring dollars into their family.
For me, money is simply a means-to-an-end a way to pay for things or experiences my family wants or needs. My husband and I both work part-time and mostly from home, to cover our living expenses and give us plenty of time together with our son. Money does not come into play for me when I consider Meaning of Life type questions and my net worth doesn't figure in my personal definition of who/what I'm all about. So though I'm aware people some people think that way, it's not my way of looking at life :-)
The authors of Freakonomics look at everything from an economic perspective and make their arguments accordingly. Often, they boil things down to dollars and cents as a part of that. Their work and writing are very interesting to me but I often find myself disagreeing. For example, they make a case against eating local foods, but that case is built largely around costs and I don't personally eat mostly-local because it costs less (or more) than eating non-local foods. I do it for taste, health benefits, accountability (I like knowing exactly who grew my food), etc. So while I can appreciate their argument, it's not one I'd make if I were talking about Ways To Choose Your Food :-)
As with so many other things, it's a matter of perspective where does money come in when you're thinking about who you are and where/who you want to be (not a question you need to answer here :-)).
If money is an important part of how you think of yourself then it might make sense to include money-making experiences in your life (part time, freelance, etc. if you want to continue to stay home with your children at the same time), to ensure you have what you're looking for in terms of a salary. Or it might make sense to look online for the articles that talk about how to calculate the work a wife/mother does at home (laundry, cleaning, cooking, childcare, etc.) in dollar terms giving you an idea of how much all the work you do would add up to, if you had to pay someone else to do it. Or, related but different, the articles online that talk about how much money one parent can save the family by Not Working cost of a second car, work wardrobe and dry-cleaning, take-out foods when there's no time to cook, nannies/childcare since you're no longer home with your children, etc.
Colleen
Kelly Lovejoy
When we got married, we agreed that, if *he* would make the living, *I* would make the living worthwhile,
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
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~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
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Catherine GB
-=- I would never put up with a system that required me to go to DH
every time I needed $20 for gas or $200 for groceries. I spend most of
the money because that's how we do it -- I do bills and groceries and
anything else requiring bookkeeping and an outlay of money. -=-
Same here. My husband is the only contributor to the family income. He
calls me his "Cost reduction manager" (his job involves lots of cost
reduction for the company) because I am always trying to find the better
deal - haggle (things he doesn't like to do)
Do you feel ashamed not to be able to contribute financially to the
family ?
It helped me to see myself as a contributor even though I earned no
money... I contribute by taking care of the children and the house...
Cath
every time I needed $20 for gas or $200 for groceries. I spend most of
the money because that's how we do it -- I do bills and groceries and
anything else requiring bookkeeping and an outlay of money. -=-
Same here. My husband is the only contributor to the family income. He
calls me his "Cost reduction manager" (his job involves lots of cost
reduction for the company) because I am always trying to find the better
deal - haggle (things he doesn't like to do)
Do you feel ashamed not to be able to contribute financially to the
family ?
It helped me to see myself as a contributor even though I earned no
money... I contribute by taking care of the children and the house...
Cath
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 4, 2012, at 10:50 AM, fundayeveryday wrote:
How much would it cost to hire a full time caretaker for your kids?
And someone to choose and deliver groceries?
And someone to run errands?
And replace the meals you cook with takeout?
And to clean the house?
And anything else you do currently?
It might be more than he makes ;-)
Joyce
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> We are living our dream by having me home with our children,So, if you weren't available to do what you do and your husband wanted to replace what you do with equal quality:
> so I guess part of my problem/mistake is attaching money/salary
> to a person's worth and contribution to the family.
How much would it cost to hire a full time caretaker for your kids?
And someone to choose and deliver groceries?
And someone to run errands?
And replace the meals you cook with takeout?
And to clean the house?
And anything else you do currently?
It might be more than he makes ;-)
Joyce
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Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 6, 2012, at 5:59 AM, Joyce Fetteroll wrote:
Who your children become, what their relationships are with you and your husband after they leave home is dependent on what you do today.
Whether they have a joyful, supportive, nurturing life right now and throughout their childhood depends on what you do right now.
Parents hope all of that just happens if they have kids, feed them, clothe them, correct their mistakes. But it doesn't. Just look at the self-help section of the bookstore ;-) It takes time and dedication.
Biologically speaking, children aren't meant to live separate lives from their families until biology makes it feel natural to them. That desire to support themselves doesn't even begin until the teen years. There's no reason kids younger should be independent of their families. While the kids who are made to be independent by going to school do survive, they don't grow up undamaged.
What is that worth to you and your family?
Joyce
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> So, if you weren't available to do what you do and yourAnd now that I'm rereading the list I made, it seems like you enjoy what you do but you don't value what you do.
> husband wanted to replace what you do with equal quality:
Who your children become, what their relationships are with you and your husband after they leave home is dependent on what you do today.
Whether they have a joyful, supportive, nurturing life right now and throughout their childhood depends on what you do right now.
Parents hope all of that just happens if they have kids, feed them, clothe them, correct their mistakes. But it doesn't. Just look at the self-help section of the bookstore ;-) It takes time and dedication.
Biologically speaking, children aren't meant to live separate lives from their families until biology makes it feel natural to them. That desire to support themselves doesn't even begin until the teen years. There's no reason kids younger should be independent of their families. While the kids who are made to be independent by going to school do survive, they don't grow up undamaged.
What is that worth to you and your family?
Joyce
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Dana Gribble
We are also a one income family, but the paycheck goes into a joint checking account and we each equally have joint access to the money. I am the one who pays all of the bills, so I am more aware of what's going on with the account on a day to day basis. We do discuss major purchases of course, but on everything else we expect each other to be responsible and stay somewhat within our means. It would never work for me if I had to ask him for money. Truthfully I wouldn't want to feel so controlled by my partner.
It may be my husband's paycheck that we live off of, but we both look at it as "our" money as we both equally contribute to our family, just in different ways.
Dana
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know evenone life has breathed easier because you have lived. this is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson
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It may be my husband's paycheck that we live off of, but we both look at it as "our" money as we both equally contribute to our family, just in different ways.
Dana
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know evenone life has breathed easier because you have lived. this is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
We're kind of on the flip side of this - I am the sole income and hubby has been at home fulltime with DS for the last 12 years (DS is 14). In the last couple of years, there are more and more at home dads but for a long time it was a conversation killer of sorts when meeting people "What do you do?" "I'm a fulltime stay at home dad" "Oh" Aside from Mr. Mom comments (which make me crazy - they assume men are incompetent at caring for their own children), people didn't quite know what to make of it. It's totally by choice - when DS was born, we consciously decided to have one parent home with him (barring unusual/unforeseen circumstances beyond our direct control). What that has turned out to mean is that my job prospects/pay/benefits have me at work fulltime and hubby at home. He loves it. He gets to write, create, cook, explore, play videogames (he's been a gamer since the first home systems came out back in the day). I come home to a hot meal and a cozy home. I make sure he knows I appreciate his work, as he lets me know he appreciates me getting out of bed in the dark and cold and heading off to work.
I handle the bookkeeping stuff by mutual agreement (our first couple years of marriage, we traded off each year but after a couple of years, he didn't want it back lol). In most cases, I just pay things as they come due but when we get additional discretionary funds (holiday bonus for example), we discuss how to allocate things. We often joke that he's the Captain and I'm his Executive Officer. Part of my job, as I see it, is to facilitate the things our family wants to do - checking the funds and looking for ways to make stuff we want happen, happen, and letting DH and DS know the options - we can do X now, but that will impact Y that we were thinking about for next month. We can postpone X, postpone Y, or consider Z.
Deb R
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I handle the bookkeeping stuff by mutual agreement (our first couple years of marriage, we traded off each year but after a couple of years, he didn't want it back lol). In most cases, I just pay things as they come due but when we get additional discretionary funds (holiday bonus for example), we discuss how to allocate things. We often joke that he's the Captain and I'm his Executive Officer. Part of my job, as I see it, is to facilitate the things our family wants to do - checking the funds and looking for ways to make stuff we want happen, happen, and letting DH and DS know the options - we can do X now, but that will impact Y that we were thinking about for next month. We can postpone X, postpone Y, or consider Z.
Deb R
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It seems to me you are starting off with the advantage of being flexible about which role each partner plays and showing respect and appreciation for both roles.
One thing some more traditional couples miss -- these roles often change over time, whether by choice or not.
Nance
One thing some more traditional couples miss -- these roles often change over time, whether by choice or not.
Nance
--- In [email protected], Debra Rossing <debra.rossing@...> wrote:
>
> We're kind of on the flip side of this - I am the sole income and hubby has been at home fulltime with DS for the last 12 years (DS is 14). In the last couple of years, there are more and more at home dads but for a long time it was a conversation killer of sorts when meeting people "What do you do?" "I'm a fulltime stay at home dad" "Oh" Aside from Mr. Mom comments (which make me crazy - they assume men are incompetent at caring for their own children), people didn't quite know what to make of it. It's totally by choice - when DS was born, we consciously decided to have one parent home with him (barring unusual/unforeseen circumstances beyond our direct control). What that has turned out to mean is that my job prospects/pay/benefits have me at work fulltime and hubby at home. He loves it. He gets to write, create, cook, explore, play videogames (he's been a gamer since the first home systems came out back in the day). I come home to a hot meal and a cozy home. I make sure he knows I appreciate his work, as he lets me know he appreciates me getting out of bed in the dark and cold and heading off to work.
>
> I handle the bookkeeping stuff by mutual agreement (our first couple years of marriage, we traded off each year but after a couple of years, he didn't want it back lol). In most cases, I just pay things as they come due but when we get additional discretionary funds (holiday bonus for example), we discuss how to allocate things. We often joke that he's the Captain and I'm his Executive Officer. Part of my job, as I see it, is to facilitate the things our family wants to do - checking the funds and looking for ways to make stuff we want happen, happen, and letting DH and DS know the options - we can do X now, but that will impact Y that we were thinking about for next month. We can postpone X, postpone Y, or consider Z.
>
> Deb R
>
>
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