child rejecting mom
[email protected]
I'm posting the anonymously for a list member.
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My son (4,5 years old) rejects me and I don't know what to do.
Until a few days ago we were very close. He always had a very good relationship with his dad but I was "the favorite" most of the time. But this week I felt the desire for a new baby and I was so disturbed that I haven't been able to be fully present for my son. Our days weren't really happy and he started to turn mainly to his dad on the evenings.
And this week-end, he wants to be with his dad only. All the things he usually does with me, he wants to do with his dad - except eat, nurse and sleep. If he tells a story, he wants me to leave so I can't hear it. As we we were getting ready for a bike ride this morning he said he didn't want me to come.
I go to another room/stay at home so they can be just the two of them. But I'm hurt by these reactions and cried several times, which certainly made things worse. Tomorrow it is Monday and I fear to be alone with him... I fear he doesn't like me anymore and prefers to be with his dad.
How can I reconnect with him while respecting his desire to be with his dad ? How can I accept he sometimes doesn't need me without feeling rejected ?
Thank you for your help.
*******************
My son (4,5 years old) rejects me and I don't know what to do.
Until a few days ago we were very close. He always had a very good relationship with his dad but I was "the favorite" most of the time. But this week I felt the desire for a new baby and I was so disturbed that I haven't been able to be fully present for my son. Our days weren't really happy and he started to turn mainly to his dad on the evenings.
And this week-end, he wants to be with his dad only. All the things he usually does with me, he wants to do with his dad - except eat, nurse and sleep. If he tells a story, he wants me to leave so I can't hear it. As we we were getting ready for a bike ride this morning he said he didn't want me to come.
I go to another room/stay at home so they can be just the two of them. But I'm hurt by these reactions and cried several times, which certainly made things worse. Tomorrow it is Monday and I fear to be alone with him... I fear he doesn't like me anymore and prefers to be with his dad.
How can I reconnect with him while respecting his desire to be with his dad ? How can I accept he sometimes doesn't need me without feeling rejected ?
Thank you for your help.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Why was it Ok for him to prefer you before and it is not OK for him to prefer being with dad now?
Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe he is just bonding and having more fun with dad.
Maybe you rejected him and he is still feeling that rejection.
You only mentioned that you pushed him away and you had a bad week , which sounded like you were not connected or mindful towards him this past week.
Be the mom a child wants to be with and that the child can trust to be there for her and accept that he may want to be with dad more or prefers to be with dad.
If the child was not feeling love from you but rejection you will need to work on yourself and be the loving mom again.
Both my kids want to be just with dad sometimes. That is OK. I joke about it with them but I love to see how much they love their dad and want their dad's company.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe he is just bonding and having more fun with dad.
Maybe you rejected him and he is still feeling that rejection.
You only mentioned that you pushed him away and you had a bad week , which sounded like you were not connected or mindful towards him this past week.
Be the mom a child wants to be with and that the child can trust to be there for her and accept that he may want to be with dad more or prefers to be with dad.
If the child was not feeling love from you but rejection you will need to work on yourself and be the loving mom again.
Both my kids want to be just with dad sometimes. That is OK. I joke about it with them but I love to see how much they love their dad and want their dad's company.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Dana Hoffman Ellis
I haven't been the "fun parent" all summer, as I've been laid up with a broken pelvis. Papa plays, rough-houses, takes Miranda to the park, while mama lays in bed...why wouldn't she like him more right now? But I'm not going to improve things by being weepy and making them feel guilty for the fun they're having! Suggest fun things to do, all together or with your little one alone, be the best mama you can be all the time--and then relax and happily support the good relationship your husband and your little one have :)
Dana
Sent from my iPad
Dana
Sent from my iPad
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On Sep 2, 2012, at 11:36 AM, [email protected] wrote:
The cause isn't so important as realizing there's an important to him reason and this is his solution.
It will also help to see through his eyes and not through yours. He *isn't* trying to hurt you. He has preferences. He's 4. His power to manipulate the world to meet his needs is limited. He's doing the best he can.
You can give him some *brief* informational feedback that saying something like "No, go away!" hurts your feelings and then focus on helping him meet his need in an even better way. Suggest a better way to say it.
*Don't* try to explain it to him. *Don't* try to "get him to understand". He'll either understand or he won't at this point. The ability for kids to see from someone else's point of view comes with age. If he doesn't do better, then what he's doing *is* the best he can do.
You can occasionally give him a hint at how to say it better, but don't make your agenda changing him. Make the information available so he can change when he's able to.
Take those feelings he's stirring in you out and examine them. Where do you think they're coming from? Are you feeling like a bad mom? Are you feeling unlovable? (You don't need to answer them here.)
Don't make your child responsible for filling your emotional bucket. Find better ways to meet those needs.
*If* you're sense of self worth is coming from how much your child loves you, it can help to turn that around and find fulfillment in doing nice things for others *Including* yourself. :-)
Do you know about the 5 love languages? Gary Chapman suggests they are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Chapman_(author)
You don't need to know what someone's language is so much as it's helpful to know different people have different ideas about what makes them feel loved. Try them all. The ones people respond most to, do more of those.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> And this week-end, he wants to be with his dad only.It could be reactionary to your not being fully present. It might be he suddenly realized he's a guy and needs to guy things :-)
The cause isn't so important as realizing there's an important to him reason and this is his solution.
It will also help to see through his eyes and not through yours. He *isn't* trying to hurt you. He has preferences. He's 4. His power to manipulate the world to meet his needs is limited. He's doing the best he can.
You can give him some *brief* informational feedback that saying something like "No, go away!" hurts your feelings and then focus on helping him meet his need in an even better way. Suggest a better way to say it.
*Don't* try to explain it to him. *Don't* try to "get him to understand". He'll either understand or he won't at this point. The ability for kids to see from someone else's point of view comes with age. If he doesn't do better, then what he's doing *is* the best he can do.
You can occasionally give him a hint at how to say it better, but don't make your agenda changing him. Make the information available so he can change when he's able to.
> But I'm hurt by these reactions and cried several times, which certainly made things worse. Tomorrow it is Monday and I fear to be alone with him... I fear he doesn't like me anymore and prefers to be with his dad.Maybe he does prefer his Dad right now. Celebrate that! Tell him how glad you are that he loves his Daddy. That you think he's an awesome guy too. Celebrate Dad. Form a Dad Fan Club together. Come up with great things to do for Dad for when he comes home :-)
Take those feelings he's stirring in you out and examine them. Where do you think they're coming from? Are you feeling like a bad mom? Are you feeling unlovable? (You don't need to answer them here.)
Don't make your child responsible for filling your emotional bucket. Find better ways to meet those needs.
*If* you're sense of self worth is coming from how much your child loves you, it can help to turn that around and find fulfillment in doing nice things for others *Including* yourself. :-)
Do you know about the 5 love languages? Gary Chapman suggests they are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Chapman_(author)
You don't need to know what someone's language is so much as it's helpful to know different people have different ideas about what makes them feel loved. Try them all. The ones people respond most to, do more of those.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Lovejoy
Enjoy. Your. Time. Alone. While. You. Have. It.
Seriously, just enjoy it. It won't always be like this. Especially if you have another baby. But even if he's your only child, just enjoy the time you DO get with him as well as the time you're apart.
One day he'll move out.
Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"Childhood is not a dress rehearsal"
Seriously, just enjoy it. It won't always be like this. Especially if you have another baby. But even if he's your only child, just enjoy the time you DO get with him as well as the time you're apart.
One day he'll move out.
Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"Childhood is not a dress rehearsal"
On Sep 2, 2012, at 11:36 AM, [email protected] wrote:
> I'm posting the anonymously for a list member.
>
>
> *******************
> My son (4,5 years old) rejects me and I don't know what to do.
>
> Until a few days ago we were very close. He always had a very good relationship with his dad but I was "the favorite" most of the time. But this week I felt the desire for a new baby and I was so disturbed that I haven't been able to be fully present for my son. Our days weren't really happy and he started to turn mainly to his dad on the evenings.
>
> And this week-end, he wants to be with his dad only. All the things he usually does with me, he wants to do with his dad - except eat, nurse and sleep. If he tells a story, he wants me to leave so I can't hear it. As we we were getting ready for a bike ride this morning he said he didn't want me to come.
>
> I go to another room/stay at home so they can be just the two of them. But I'm hurt by these reactions and cried several times, which certainly made things worse. Tomorrow it is Monday and I fear to be alone with him... I fear he doesn't like me anymore and prefers to be with his dad.
>
> How can I reconnect with him while respecting his desire to be with his dad ? How can I accept he sometimes doesn't need me without feeling rejected ?
>
> Thank you for your help.
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
Bun
My youngest son is 3 1/2 and he sometimes prefers to be with me only or sometimes prefers to be with Daddy only, or one of his siblings. It is what it is - a preference at that moment. I don't take it to mean that he loves me any less. I feel like if I honor his preferences, that he will feel accepted -like his feelings are okay to have and his preferences are okay to have. In my opinion this is an opportunity to build our relationship because he can trust me to still love and accept him even if he wants to play with someone else. If I don't accept his feelings, he might feel rejected or that his feelings and preferences are wrong, which is not true.
Young kids are likely to say what they feel and at age 3 or 4 they don't even know how to phrase things kindly just yet or take the care to phrase things so that they don't hurt another's feelings. That comes in time from hearing others say things kindly and softly and sometimes explaining without shame or blame what they might say next time to be considerate of others. I don't think it does them or us any good to make them feel guilty about how they are feeling or who they are wanting to spend time with. With regard to how they say things, we can't make them act older than they really are or have the skills of an adult or be more thoughtful than they are capable of being. When I'm told bluntly that they want to play with just the other person, I say, "Oh, you just want to play with xyz? Okay, I'll leave." and then go off and do my own thing or catch up on something that I've been meaning to get to or hang out with one of the other kids. That one on one time with someone you love is so nice to have. See if you can appreciate that they can spend that time together instead of feel like the odd one out. Maybe go make them a special cake or snack for your two favorite guys for after they are done playing.
If you are thinking your said or did something that hurt your child's feelings and that is why he is preferring Daddy at the moment, apologize. But don't put it on him to accept your apology so that you can feel better. Apologize and move on to better times. I guess you won't know for sure why your son is feeling the way he is, but you could choose to honor his feelings no matter what. Let the love you have for him help you to do so.
If you are hoping to add another child to your family down the road, you may be extra appreciative that your son and husband like to spend one on one time together.
Laurie :)
Young kids are likely to say what they feel and at age 3 or 4 they don't even know how to phrase things kindly just yet or take the care to phrase things so that they don't hurt another's feelings. That comes in time from hearing others say things kindly and softly and sometimes explaining without shame or blame what they might say next time to be considerate of others. I don't think it does them or us any good to make them feel guilty about how they are feeling or who they are wanting to spend time with. With regard to how they say things, we can't make them act older than they really are or have the skills of an adult or be more thoughtful than they are capable of being. When I'm told bluntly that they want to play with just the other person, I say, "Oh, you just want to play with xyz? Okay, I'll leave." and then go off and do my own thing or catch up on something that I've been meaning to get to or hang out with one of the other kids. That one on one time with someone you love is so nice to have. See if you can appreciate that they can spend that time together instead of feel like the odd one out. Maybe go make them a special cake or snack for your two favorite guys for after they are done playing.
If you are thinking your said or did something that hurt your child's feelings and that is why he is preferring Daddy at the moment, apologize. But don't put it on him to accept your apology so that you can feel better. Apologize and move on to better times. I guess you won't know for sure why your son is feeling the way he is, but you could choose to honor his feelings no matter what. Let the love you have for him help you to do so.
If you are hoping to add another child to your family down the road, you may be extra appreciative that your son and husband like to spend one on one time together.
Laurie :)
Colienne de Walque
I'm the one who wrote the original post : I was ashamed to be rejected and didn't dare to write under my real name.
Thanks to all for your wise answers. Now I can see it's wonderful that my son and his dad get along so well. And that I was indeed making Gilles guilty because he wanted to spend time with his dad.
Joyce, you are right. I don't feel very lovable : I know my parents love me but never felt it, I can sometimes feel my husband loves me... but I often wonder why. Most of the time I feel Gilles loves me and when he rejected me I guess I feared he had kind of discovered I wasn't such an interesting person.
The good thing about what happened is that I realized that if I, the grown-up, could be so hurt by my child's rejection, we adults really need to be extra careful when interacting with a child. I knew that, but now I feel it.
Again, thank you for your help,
Colienne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thanks to all for your wise answers. Now I can see it's wonderful that my son and his dad get along so well. And that I was indeed making Gilles guilty because he wanted to spend time with his dad.
Joyce, you are right. I don't feel very lovable : I know my parents love me but never felt it, I can sometimes feel my husband loves me... but I often wonder why. Most of the time I feel Gilles loves me and when he rejected me I guess I feared he had kind of discovered I wasn't such an interesting person.
The good thing about what happened is that I realized that if I, the grown-up, could be so hurt by my child's rejection, we adults really need to be extra careful when interacting with a child. I knew that, but now I feel it.
Again, thank you for your help,
Colienne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]