5yo transitions
iris777888
Our 5yo frequently wants to play or stay longer (sometimes MUCH longer) than everyone else / what is allowed. I have gotten better over time at accommodating his need to do that, and in avoiding places/events where we can't stay as long as he likes, but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a real need for us to leave or stop what we're doing. It is especially a problem when a facility is actually closing or our allotted time is up.
When he was young and not wanting to transition we could often tempt him with something fun, redirect, and as a last resort would just pick him up and bring him along against his will. Now he is much too big for those techniques (not that they were ever great ones anyway), and we are still struggling. Things I try are commiseration, playful methods, negotiation, and explanation. Sometimes these work, but when they don't I sort of panic. A few times lately I've found myself bribing, threatening and when that doesn't work not being gentle with him (that happened today :-( yikes!) because I am so eager to get moving.
If possible I try to figure out why he wants to stay longer. Sometimes he's got a specific goal to fulfill prior to leaving that we can address, but often the answer is just, "I'm not ready to go yet." Often it seems to be that feels he hasn't seen everything there is to see yet/done all there is to do, but there are places where that is just not possible!
Sometimes he'll agree to leave or quit. It's not that he will never move on, but in general he just doesn't want to do anything that is not his idea, or on his timetable. I try to always question internally whether what I'm asking him to do is really necessary and sometimes decide it's not. But when it is, then what? I could really use some new ideas and insight.
Heather
When he was young and not wanting to transition we could often tempt him with something fun, redirect, and as a last resort would just pick him up and bring him along against his will. Now he is much too big for those techniques (not that they were ever great ones anyway), and we are still struggling. Things I try are commiseration, playful methods, negotiation, and explanation. Sometimes these work, but when they don't I sort of panic. A few times lately I've found myself bribing, threatening and when that doesn't work not being gentle with him (that happened today :-( yikes!) because I am so eager to get moving.
If possible I try to figure out why he wants to stay longer. Sometimes he's got a specific goal to fulfill prior to leaving that we can address, but often the answer is just, "I'm not ready to go yet." Often it seems to be that feels he hasn't seen everything there is to see yet/done all there is to do, but there are places where that is just not possible!
Sometimes he'll agree to leave or quit. It's not that he will never move on, but in general he just doesn't want to do anything that is not his idea, or on his timetable. I try to always question internally whether what I'm asking him to do is really necessary and sometimes decide it's not. But when it is, then what? I could really use some new ideas and insight.
Heather
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Stop moving away from something and start moving towards something.
Instead of leaving the party. We are going to get icecream, or look at the kittens in the pet store,
or shopping at the dollar store.
That may help. For some kids moving away, leaving a place where they are having fun to go home or somewhere not fun is hard. Make it that he is moving towards something.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: iris777888 <iris777888@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 10:48 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] 5yo transitions
Our 5yo frequently wants to play or stay longer (sometimes MUCH longer) than everyone else / what is allowed. I have gotten better over time at accommodating his need to do that, and in avoiding places/events where we can't stay as long as he likes, but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a real need for us to leave or stop what we're doing. It is especially a problem when a facility is actually closing or our allotted time is up.
When he was young and not wanting to transition we could often tempt him with something fun, redirect, and as a last resort would just pick him up and bring him along against his will. Now he is much too big for those techniques (not that they were ever great ones anyway), and we are still struggling. Things I try are commiseration, playful methods, negotiation, and explanation. Sometimes these work, but when they don't I sort of panic. A few times lately I've found myself bribing, threatening and when that doesn't work not being gentle with him (that happened today :-( yikes!) because I am so eager to get moving.
If possible I try to figure out why he wants to stay longer. Sometimes he's got a specific goal to fulfill prior to leaving that we can address, but often the answer is just, "I'm not ready to go yet." Often it seems to be that feels he hasn't seen everything there is to see yet/done all there is to do, but there are places where that is just not possible!
Sometimes he'll agree to leave or quit. It's not that he will never move on, but in general he just doesn't want to do anything that is not his idea, or on his timetable. I try to always question internally whether what I'm asking him to do is really necessary and sometimes decide it's not. But when it is, then what? I could really use some new ideas and insight.
Heather
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Instead of leaving the party. We are going to get icecream, or look at the kittens in the pet store,
or shopping at the dollar store.
That may help. For some kids moving away, leaving a place where they are having fun to go home or somewhere not fun is hard. Make it that he is moving towards something.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: iris777888 <iris777888@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 10:48 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] 5yo transitions
Our 5yo frequently wants to play or stay longer (sometimes MUCH longer) than everyone else / what is allowed. I have gotten better over time at accommodating his need to do that, and in avoiding places/events where we can't stay as long as he likes, but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a real need for us to leave or stop what we're doing. It is especially a problem when a facility is actually closing or our allotted time is up.
When he was young and not wanting to transition we could often tempt him with something fun, redirect, and as a last resort would just pick him up and bring him along against his will. Now he is much too big for those techniques (not that they were ever great ones anyway), and we are still struggling. Things I try are commiseration, playful methods, negotiation, and explanation. Sometimes these work, but when they don't I sort of panic. A few times lately I've found myself bribing, threatening and when that doesn't work not being gentle with him (that happened today :-( yikes!) because I am so eager to get moving.
If possible I try to figure out why he wants to stay longer. Sometimes he's got a specific goal to fulfill prior to leaving that we can address, but often the answer is just, "I'm not ready to go yet." Often it seems to be that feels he hasn't seen everything there is to see yet/done all there is to do, but there are places where that is just not possible!
Sometimes he'll agree to leave or quit. It's not that he will never move on, but in general he just doesn't want to do anything that is not his idea, or on his timetable. I try to always question internally whether what I'm asking him to do is really necessary and sometimes decide it's not. But when it is, then what? I could really use some new ideas and insight.
Heather
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"iris777888" <iris777888@...> wrote:
I'm going to pause here and note that you're already learning and making progress - that's good! Sometimes it can take a fair amount of experimentation to figure out what's going to work. And sometimes you get it alllllll figured out and your kid gets older and moves into another stage and you're back at square one.
Sometimes the biggest change which needs to happen is one of acceptance on mom's part - and that's often the case with transitions. It makes everything harder when you're desperately wishing things would go easier! So going in to situations with the acceptance that transitioning Will be difficult can be a weight of stress off your shoulders - and that drop in stress can make things Feel easier to you, and so not sap your energy as much.
One thing I would look at is how much time are you "allowing" your guy to spend? My daughter likes to do things for hours and hours. We recently went to stay at a beach cottage with her grandma, and grandma likes to run down to the beach for half an hour. It took some time to explain to grandma that doesn't work for Mo - it's four hours or nothing. That's something my partner and I are used to by now, but it was hard when she was little - I'd want to go to the creek for an hour and she'd want to be there all day. When I learned to plan for all day trips, things got easier.
As much as you possibly can, minimize this. Don't plan to do something after - or keep those "after" plans soft and flexible. You mentioned something about being "eager to get moving" too - get away from that entirely. Bring plenty of drinks and snacks and things for you to do so you can wait without chomping at the bit.
Mo went through a stage of taking so long to pick things out at a store (lego kits in particular) that I learned to plan to bring a book or some knitting. I'm sure it looks very odd to see a middle aged lady sitting on the floor reading or knitting in the lego aisle, but it's much, much better than spending the same time pacing back and forth... waiting. It's much harder to "finish" or "decide" something when someone is Waiting at you ;)
Ray went through a stage of being really sad at the end of the day, wishing the day could go on and on. At that time "sad" involved screaming, hitting and running away - a real challenge if we were at an event in the woods, where "running away" could be physically hazardous! So we made sure to take him to "safe" venues on the one hand, but also to cut down a lot of outings for awhile - certainly we didn't take him to places like... say an indoor playground where if the place closed and Ray wasn't ready to leave we'd be stuck hauling a kicking, screaming, hitting, biting child out of a structure.
Another possible solution is repeat visits - but if that's costly then it's really a reason to avoid going to those sorts of places for awhile. Go places which are free or nearly free (oh! look for season passes, too). There will be time later to go to museums or costly play centers, if he's still interested.
We didn't go to zoos and museums when our kids were little, for the most part. The both raced through them top speed - Ray pushing every button he could find and knocking down or climbing anything he could before we could stop him. So we didn't go to zoos and museums. Ray lost interest in any of those things by the time he was older, but Mo has gotten really interested in certain kinds of museums (and loves zoos) so now we're getting to do a lot more of that kind of thing.
The advantage of unschooling is There Is No Timetable. It's really okay to wait until kids are a little older and better able to deal with the expectations of a given environment.
---Meredith
>**************
> Our 5yo frequently wants to play or stay longer (sometimes MUCH longer) than everyone else / what is allowed. I have gotten better over time at accommodating his need to do that, and in avoiding places/events where we can't stay as long as he likes
I'm going to pause here and note that you're already learning and making progress - that's good! Sometimes it can take a fair amount of experimentation to figure out what's going to work. And sometimes you get it alllllll figured out and your kid gets older and moves into another stage and you're back at square one.
Sometimes the biggest change which needs to happen is one of acceptance on mom's part - and that's often the case with transitions. It makes everything harder when you're desperately wishing things would go easier! So going in to situations with the acceptance that transitioning Will be difficult can be a weight of stress off your shoulders - and that drop in stress can make things Feel easier to you, and so not sap your energy as much.
One thing I would look at is how much time are you "allowing" your guy to spend? My daughter likes to do things for hours and hours. We recently went to stay at a beach cottage with her grandma, and grandma likes to run down to the beach for half an hour. It took some time to explain to grandma that doesn't work for Mo - it's four hours or nothing. That's something my partner and I are used to by now, but it was hard when she was little - I'd want to go to the creek for an hour and she'd want to be there all day. When I learned to plan for all day trips, things got easier.
>> but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a real need for us to leave or stop what we're doing.**************
As much as you possibly can, minimize this. Don't plan to do something after - or keep those "after" plans soft and flexible. You mentioned something about being "eager to get moving" too - get away from that entirely. Bring plenty of drinks and snacks and things for you to do so you can wait without chomping at the bit.
Mo went through a stage of taking so long to pick things out at a store (lego kits in particular) that I learned to plan to bring a book or some knitting. I'm sure it looks very odd to see a middle aged lady sitting on the floor reading or knitting in the lego aisle, but it's much, much better than spending the same time pacing back and forth... waiting. It's much harder to "finish" or "decide" something when someone is Waiting at you ;)
>>It is especially a problem when a facility is actually closing or our allotted time is up.**************
Ray went through a stage of being really sad at the end of the day, wishing the day could go on and on. At that time "sad" involved screaming, hitting and running away - a real challenge if we were at an event in the woods, where "running away" could be physically hazardous! So we made sure to take him to "safe" venues on the one hand, but also to cut down a lot of outings for awhile - certainly we didn't take him to places like... say an indoor playground where if the place closed and Ray wasn't ready to leave we'd be stuck hauling a kicking, screaming, hitting, biting child out of a structure.
> If possible I try to figure out why he wants to stay longer. Sometimes he's got a specific goal to fulfill prior to leaving that we can address, but often the answer is just, "I'm not ready to go yet." Often it seems to be that feels he hasn't seen everything there is to see yet/done all there is to do, but there are places where that is just not possible!*****************
Another possible solution is repeat visits - but if that's costly then it's really a reason to avoid going to those sorts of places for awhile. Go places which are free or nearly free (oh! look for season passes, too). There will be time later to go to museums or costly play centers, if he's still interested.
We didn't go to zoos and museums when our kids were little, for the most part. The both raced through them top speed - Ray pushing every button he could find and knocking down or climbing anything he could before we could stop him. So we didn't go to zoos and museums. Ray lost interest in any of those things by the time he was older, but Mo has gotten really interested in certain kinds of museums (and loves zoos) so now we're getting to do a lot more of that kind of thing.
The advantage of unschooling is There Is No Timetable. It's really okay to wait until kids are a little older and better able to deal with the expectations of a given environment.
---Meredith
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 24, 2012, at 11:48 PM, iris777888 wrote:
Make the goal easier transitions rather than feeling good about the transition. The second will naturally come with the first, but kids emotions shouldn't be our goal to control.
I collected a lot of transition ideas here:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
over on the right. You might find something that's useful :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a realMaybe you're expecting a way for him not to be upset? I don't think that should be the goal. He shouldn't feel wrong for feeling sad or frustrated.
> need for us to leave or stop what we're doing. It is especially a problem
> when a facility is actually closing or our allotted time is up.
Make the goal easier transitions rather than feeling good about the transition. The second will naturally come with the first, but kids emotions shouldn't be our goal to control.
I collected a lot of transition ideas here:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
over on the right. You might find something that's useful :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
iris777888
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
Thanks for all the great input so far. :-)
>>>And sometimes you get it alllllll figured out and your kid gets older and moves into another stage and you're back at square one.
>>>This is exactly what has happened. It seems all the stuff that used to work does not work anymore!! This is happening in other areas with him too right now.
>>>Sometimes the biggest change which needs to happen is one of acceptance on mom's part - and that's often the case with transitions. It makes everything harder when you're desperately wishing things would go easier! So going in to situations with the acceptance that transitioning Will be difficult can be a weight of stress off your shoulders - and that drop in stress can make things Feel easier to you, and so not sap your energy as much.
>>>Thanks, yes. This does need to happen. It definitely does seem to make things worse when I get upset. I've also realized some of this is me not wanting to face confrontation and "get in trouble" myself.
>>>This is one lesson I've already learned. I now fully expect the toy store to be a several hour venture and have come to enjoy spending time looking at everything in depth. We're mainly struggling with structured visits like dentist, doctor, etc. and also events where he asked to go but they didn't last long enough for his liking, like an open gym time at the gymnastics center and an intro martial arts class. I don't want to say no if there's something he really wants to try, but it's almost never going to be enough time if something is only an hour long.
> One thing I would look at is how much time are you "allowing" your guy to spend? My daughter likes to do things for hours and hours.
>>>
>>>but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a real need for us to leave or stop what we're doing.
> **************We keep a very, very loose schedule. We rarely have more than one thing planned for any day. The issue I'm having is mainly when we're at places where the timetable is not within our control. For instance, at a doctor visit this week we had the check up, everything went great, but then we were expected to leave. They said OK, you're good to go, take this paperwork to the desk. They had others waiting, they needed the room, but he wasn't ready to go. I didn't feel like I could ask to sit in there longer. My son said he was not ready to go, tried to poke at their computer, started crying, dug in his heels, etc.
> As much as you possibly can, minimize this. Don't plan to do something after - or keep those "after" plans soft and flexible. You mentioned something about being "eager to get moving" too - get away from that entirely.
>>>
Thanks for all the great input so far. :-)
iris777888
Great suggestion, thank you. I have forgotten to try this lately so will give it a go. It seems more positive and proactive to me too.
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
> Stop moving away from something and start moving towards something.
> Instead of leaving the party. We are going to get icecream, or look at the kittens in the pet store,Â
> or shopping at the dollar store.
>
> That may help. For some kids moving away, leaving a place where they are having fun to go home or somewhere not fun  is hard. Make it that he is moving towards something.
> Â
> Alex Polikowsky
> Â
> Â
> Â
>
>
> ________________________________
> From: iris777888 <iris777888@...>
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 10:48 PM
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] 5yo transitions
>
>
> Â
> Our 5yo frequently wants to play or stay longer (sometimes MUCH longer) than everyone else / what is allowed. I have gotten better over time at accommodating his need to do that, and in avoiding places/events where we can't stay as long as he likes, but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a real need for us to leave or stop what we're doing. It is especially a problem when a facility is actually closing or our allotted time is up.
>
> When he was young and not wanting to transition we could often tempt him with something fun, redirect, and as a last resort would just pick him up and bring him along against his will. Now he is much too big for those techniques (not that they were ever great ones anyway), and we are still struggling. Things I try are commiseration, playful methods, negotiation, and explanation. Sometimes these work, but when they don't I sort of panic. A few times lately I've found myself bribing, threatening and when that doesn't work not being gentle with him (that happened today :-( yikes!) because I am so eager to get moving.
>
> If possible I try to figure out why he wants to stay longer. Sometimes he's got a specific goal to fulfill prior to leaving that we can address, but often the answer is just, "I'm not ready to go yet." Often it seems to be that feels he hasn't seen everything there is to see yet/done all there is to do, but there are places where that is just not possible!
>
> Sometimes he'll agree to leave or quit. It's not that he will never move on, but in general he just doesn't want to do anything that is not his idea, or on his timetable. I try to always question internally whether what I'm asking him to do is really necessary and sometimes decide it's not. But when it is, then what? I could really use some new ideas and insight.
>
> Heather
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
iris777888
Thanks so much, Joyce. Very good point. I likely haven't taken his feelings into account as much as I should have because I've been so focused on the upset. I'll look through the site for even more ideas.
I've realized too that I need to work more on not caring so much about potential conflict and what others are thinking to focus more on the connection with my kid in the tough moment.
I've realized too that I need to work more on not caring so much about potential conflict and what others are thinking to focus more on the connection with my kid in the tough moment.
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Aug 24, 2012, at 11:48 PM, iris777888 wrote:
>
> > but there are times when this is just not an option or there's a real
> > need for us to leave or stop what we're doing. It is especially a problem
> > when a facility is actually closing or our allotted time is up.
>
> Maybe you're expecting a way for him not to be upset? I don't think that should be the goal. He shouldn't feel wrong for feeling sad or frustrated.
>
> Make the goal easier transitions rather than feeling good about the transition. The second will naturally come with the first, but kids emotions shouldn't be our goal to control.
>
> I collected a lot of transition ideas here:
>
> http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
>
> over on the right. You might find something that's useful :-)
>
> Joyce
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>