Expectations for mom?
messy_boys
Are there certain things that I, as the unschooling mom, need to be doing? For example, do I need to have more structure and order for myself in order to meet the needs of my kids?
Right now, I do not have any set schedule for myself. The kids and I usually stay up to about midnight. I'm the first to get up around 8:30 or 9. I have my coffee and sit around in my PJ's for about an hour, reading emails or whatever. Then the kids start getting up. If they want cereal or coffee, I get it for them. I usually do a few chores and then once they seem settled, I hop into the shower...
But I can't shake this feeling that I need to be getting up early, getting myself ready, and being done when they get up.
Kristie
Right now, I do not have any set schedule for myself. The kids and I usually stay up to about midnight. I'm the first to get up around 8:30 or 9. I have my coffee and sit around in my PJ's for about an hour, reading emails or whatever. Then the kids start getting up. If they want cereal or coffee, I get it for them. I usually do a few chores and then once they seem settled, I hop into the shower...
But I can't shake this feeling that I need to be getting up early, getting myself ready, and being done when they get up.
Kristie
Sara Evans
Sounds like my mornings. I say, if you feel like you would be happier
doing something *more* or *different*, then do it! You're not working to
fulfill anyone's expectations but your own :)
There was a time where I thought TV rots brains (I am totally exaggerating)
and filled my kids' days with as much fun activities as distractions to
them needing tv as possible. That was fine then, it worked for us and made
us happy, but this changed and that's ok too. It is ok to change your mind
about what's good for parenting. Over a year ago I began to see the merits
of them enjoying tv and *Chose* to change the way I look and feel about
it. We picked two programs from netflix - The Last Airbender and Phineas &
Ferb - and TOGETHER we watched every single episode. These shows are so
full of intelligent and enjoyable content. The quality time we spent
watching them was priceless and amazing. We've since moved on to the
entire family LOVING a video game - Little Big Planet - together. We all
play and laugh and have a great time. A year prior I would have scoffed
at encouraging so much screen time. But I chose to see it differently and
now I feel peace about meeting their needs differently than I would have
thought appropriate before.
So the point of the anecdote is that as much as I understood that thinking
outside the box was important to unschooling before, I was still stuck in
the thought that all moms had similar responsibilities - wake early,
encourage schedules and consistency, manage things that children can't be
given full trust over (sleep habits, eating, media). I had to make a
choice to get unstuck, and had to ask myself for a while if I really
believed it was the right way.
In a nutshell, you're probably still needing to deschool yourself from the
ideas of what you "should" or "should not" be doing as a mom. To find out
the mom you want to be and your kids truly need and to know that it changes
and its ok to change with it :)
doing something *more* or *different*, then do it! You're not working to
fulfill anyone's expectations but your own :)
There was a time where I thought TV rots brains (I am totally exaggerating)
and filled my kids' days with as much fun activities as distractions to
them needing tv as possible. That was fine then, it worked for us and made
us happy, but this changed and that's ok too. It is ok to change your mind
about what's good for parenting. Over a year ago I began to see the merits
of them enjoying tv and *Chose* to change the way I look and feel about
it. We picked two programs from netflix - The Last Airbender and Phineas &
Ferb - and TOGETHER we watched every single episode. These shows are so
full of intelligent and enjoyable content. The quality time we spent
watching them was priceless and amazing. We've since moved on to the
entire family LOVING a video game - Little Big Planet - together. We all
play and laugh and have a great time. A year prior I would have scoffed
at encouraging so much screen time. But I chose to see it differently and
now I feel peace about meeting their needs differently than I would have
thought appropriate before.
So the point of the anecdote is that as much as I understood that thinking
outside the box was important to unschooling before, I was still stuck in
the thought that all moms had similar responsibilities - wake early,
encourage schedules and consistency, manage things that children can't be
given full trust over (sleep habits, eating, media). I had to make a
choice to get unstuck, and had to ask myself for a while if I really
believed it was the right way.
In a nutshell, you're probably still needing to deschool yourself from the
ideas of what you "should" or "should not" be doing as a mom. To find out
the mom you want to be and your kids truly need and to know that it changes
and its ok to change with it :)
On Aug 21, 2012 10:56 AM, "messy_boys" <messy_boys@...> wrote:
> **
>
>
> Are there certain things that I, as the unschooling mom, need to be doing?
> For example, do I need to have more structure and order for myself in order
> to meet the needs of my kids?
>
> Right now, I do not have any set schedule for myself. The kids and I
> usually stay up to about midnight. I'm the first to get up around 8:30 or
> 9. I have my coffee and sit around in my PJ's for about an hour, reading
> emails or whatever. Then the kids start getting up. If they want cereal or
> coffee, I get it for them. I usually do a few chores and then once they
> seem settled, I hop into the shower...
>
> But I can't shake this feeling that I need to be getting up early, getting
> myself ready, and being done when they get up.
>
> Kristie
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
messy_boys
Thank you, Sara. I think it is the old programming, saying what a "good" mom would do. I really love my mornings, and the kids seems to also. We are relaxed and ease into our day. I do feel embarrassed if someone happens to come by and see that we are all in our PJ's at 10 or 11. Sometimes the kids want to wear their PJ's all day, and I let them. It's just not that big of a deal to me.
Another thing I would like to ask about...my older boys shower every 3 or 4 days (their choice) and do not often brush their teeth. I do remind them, but it's just not important to them.
My ex-husband was here over the weekend and he brought it up. He said that taking a shower every 4 days and not brushing teeth was unacceptable. He pointed out that our oldest son is getting yellow teeth.
I've been thinking about why *I* brush my teeth and take a shower every day, and it's because I like it. It feels good to have that hot water on me, to have clean hair, and I like my teeth to be white as possible.
Is it wrong to let my boys come to those conclusions themselves? People seem to get the impression that I am neglecting them by not forcing them into a rigorous oral hygiene schedule.
Thanks!!! Kristie
Another thing I would like to ask about...my older boys shower every 3 or 4 days (their choice) and do not often brush their teeth. I do remind them, but it's just not important to them.
My ex-husband was here over the weekend and he brought it up. He said that taking a shower every 4 days and not brushing teeth was unacceptable. He pointed out that our oldest son is getting yellow teeth.
I've been thinking about why *I* brush my teeth and take a shower every day, and it's because I like it. It feels good to have that hot water on me, to have clean hair, and I like my teeth to be white as possible.
Is it wrong to let my boys come to those conclusions themselves? People seem to get the impression that I am neglecting them by not forcing them into a rigorous oral hygiene schedule.
Thanks!!! Kristie
navinmouse
My boys (4 & 6) take showers about that often, every 4 days or so. Unless they get really dirty, I mean, whats the point? They brush their teeth once before bed & wash their faces. I try for twice a day on the toothbrushing, only because our 6 yr old has some nice cavities that formed from not brushing regularly :( $$$ that could have been saved by just brushing an extra time each day...
We too have days we call PJ days... our bedtimes are anywhere from 8pm to 10pm, just depends on whats going on the next day :)
I'm just so happy to hear that there are other mom's out there that are like me :D I really was thinking too that I wasn't being a 'good' mom by not stressing a certain bed time or other things like that.
People shouldn't drop over unannounced ;) They're the ones who should feel embarrassed!
We too have days we call PJ days... our bedtimes are anywhere from 8pm to 10pm, just depends on whats going on the next day :)
I'm just so happy to hear that there are other mom's out there that are like me :D I really was thinking too that I wasn't being a 'good' mom by not stressing a certain bed time or other things like that.
People shouldn't drop over unannounced ;) They're the ones who should feel embarrassed!
--- In [email protected], "messy_boys" <messy_boys@...> wrote:
>
> Thank you, Sara. I think it is the old programming, saying what a "good" mom would do. I really love my mornings, and the kids seems to also. We are relaxed and ease into our day. I do feel embarrassed if someone happens to come by and see that we are all in our PJ's at 10 or 11. Sometimes the kids want to wear their PJ's all day, and I let them. It's just not that big of a deal to me.
>
> Another thing I would like to ask about...my older boys shower every 3 or 4 days (their choice) and do not often brush their teeth. I do remind them, but it's just not important to them.
>
> My ex-husband was here over the weekend and he brought it up. He said that taking a shower every 4 days and not brushing teeth was unacceptable. He pointed out that our oldest son is getting yellow teeth.
>
> I've been thinking about why *I* brush my teeth and take a shower every day, and it's because I like it. It feels good to have that hot water on me, to have clean hair, and I like my teeth to be white as possible.
>
> Is it wrong to let my boys come to those conclusions themselves? People seem to get the impression that I am neglecting them by not forcing them into a rigorous oral hygiene schedule.
>
> Thanks!!! Kristie
>
Meredith
"messy_boys" <messy_boys@...> wrote:
I don't know... do you? If a schedule helps you juggle meeting your needs and your kids needs, then some kind of schedule would be a good idea. Just keep in mind that the schedule is a tool - don't let your calender get Between you and your kids, use it (if you need one) to help you stay sane in the midst of juggling the needs of six other people, plus your own.
So you have a regular routine. If you were to have a schedule, it would be a good idea to fit it in around that regular routine - work With what all y'all do naturally, rather than against it.
Maybe you don't need a schedule so much as a "to do" list. I find those invaluable, especially for days when I'm not feeling very energetic. Doing a few things on my list helps me feel good about "getting things done" - and if I'm feeling rebellious I'll do things from the bottom of my list in terms of importance so I get to feel like I've gotten something done And I get to be "bad" (ooooh, I'm such a rebel, painting the bathroom instead of cleaning the kitchen! but the bathroom looks great and the kitchen isn't much dirtier than it would have been anyway :)).
---Meredith
>****************
> Are there certain things that I, as the unschooling mom, need to be doing? For example, do I need to have more structure and order for myself in order to meet the needs of my kids?
I don't know... do you? If a schedule helps you juggle meeting your needs and your kids needs, then some kind of schedule would be a good idea. Just keep in mind that the schedule is a tool - don't let your calender get Between you and your kids, use it (if you need one) to help you stay sane in the midst of juggling the needs of six other people, plus your own.
> Right now, I do not have any set schedule for myself. The kids and I usually stay up to about midnight. I'm the first to get up around 8:30 or 9. I have my coffee and sit around in my PJ's for about an hour, reading emails or whatever. Then the kids start getting up.*****************
So you have a regular routine. If you were to have a schedule, it would be a good idea to fit it in around that regular routine - work With what all y'all do naturally, rather than against it.
Maybe you don't need a schedule so much as a "to do" list. I find those invaluable, especially for days when I'm not feeling very energetic. Doing a few things on my list helps me feel good about "getting things done" - and if I'm feeling rebellious I'll do things from the bottom of my list in terms of importance so I get to feel like I've gotten something done And I get to be "bad" (ooooh, I'm such a rebel, painting the bathroom instead of cleaning the kitchen! but the bathroom looks great and the kitchen isn't much dirtier than it would have been anyway :)).
---Meredith
Meredith
"messy_boys" <messy_boys@...> wrote:
The majority of my pants and Morgan's are technically pajama pants - they're just more comfortable. I ask Mo to change clothes when she comes to work with me - that's once a week. If she gets wet or really dirty, she'll change again. We've never really had separate clothes for sleeping in my family - George usually sleeps in his skin and I often change when I get home from work, sleep in that, and change for work the next day - work clothes and home clothes, not day and night clothes.
Are they grungy or stinky? Do they have bad breath? Those are things to talk about. But beyond that, bathing more than once a week isn't really necessary. If you're worried about yellowing teeth, you could get special whitening toothpaste, but there's a fair amount of controversy about the value of tooth brushing toward oral health.
or maybe
"Boys! Why did we have so many boys? They have to be the grungiest people in creation! I'd doing what I can - have fun today, see you later."
Find a way to sound agreeable without agreeing.
---Meredith
> Sometimes the kids want to wear their PJ's all day, and I let them. It's just not that big of a deal to me.**************
The majority of my pants and Morgan's are technically pajama pants - they're just more comfortable. I ask Mo to change clothes when she comes to work with me - that's once a week. If she gets wet or really dirty, she'll change again. We've never really had separate clothes for sleeping in my family - George usually sleeps in his skin and I often change when I get home from work, sleep in that, and change for work the next day - work clothes and home clothes, not day and night clothes.
>>> Another thing I would like to ask about...my older boys shower every 3 or 4 days (their choice) and do not often brush their teeth. I do remind them, but it's just not important to them.**************
Are they grungy or stinky? Do they have bad breath? Those are things to talk about. But beyond that, bathing more than once a week isn't really necessary. If you're worried about yellowing teeth, you could get special whitening toothpaste, but there's a fair amount of controversy about the value of tooth brushing toward oral health.
> My ex-husband was here over the weekend and he brought it up."Thanks for your concern, I'm working on it, don't let the door hit you on the way out."
or maybe
"Boys! Why did we have so many boys? They have to be the grungiest people in creation! I'd doing what I can - have fun today, see you later."
Find a way to sound agreeable without agreeing.
---Meredith
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 21, 2012, at 12:24 PM, messy_boys wrote:
The less you do to antagonize him, the better. That doesn't mean doing what he says or reacting with fear. It means being proactive and doing what you can so you can answer in a way that's more positive.
You could respond they bathe when they're dirty. And make sure they bathe before he comes over. Say in an informational way that their father will find fewer things to worry about during his visit if you help him by taking care of the things that bother him. Help them do it as a kindness to him.
As for brushing teeth, I always brushed with my daughter. I remember clearly as a child how *long* it took and how lonely that time was doing it by myself. (It's amazing how different kids perceptions are of time. It probably took 2 minutes. ;-)
I've also got a lot of ideas here:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
At the top of the right hand column.
I don't think it's a good idea to leave brushing at letting them decide for themselves. I *do* think it's a good idea to make it as easy possible for them to brush. Remove as many obstacles as you can between them and clean teeth. Then each time let them decide. I can't remember a time when Kat decided not to when she said she didn't want to and was reminded she did have the choice.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> My ex-husband was here over the weekend and he brought it up.Does he have the power to take you to court and make a stink about your parenting? Don't think about what's "right" but about reality.
> He said that taking a shower every 4 days and not brushing teeth
> was unacceptable. He pointed out that our oldest son is getting yellow teeth.
The less you do to antagonize him, the better. That doesn't mean doing what he says or reacting with fear. It means being proactive and doing what you can so you can answer in a way that's more positive.
You could respond they bathe when they're dirty. And make sure they bathe before he comes over. Say in an informational way that their father will find fewer things to worry about during his visit if you help him by taking care of the things that bother him. Help them do it as a kindness to him.
As for brushing teeth, I always brushed with my daughter. I remember clearly as a child how *long* it took and how lonely that time was doing it by myself. (It's amazing how different kids perceptions are of time. It probably took 2 minutes. ;-)
I've also got a lot of ideas here:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
At the top of the right hand column.
I don't think it's a good idea to leave brushing at letting them decide for themselves. I *do* think it's a good idea to make it as easy possible for them to brush. Remove as many obstacles as you can between them and clean teeth. Then each time let them decide. I can't remember a time when Kat decided not to when she said she didn't want to and was reminded she did have the choice.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
messy_boys
Thank you, Meredith. A schedule would really just be because I feel like I'm not doing enough...it would be stressful. I definitely love to-do lists, and checklists, so that I have those reminders, but I get to choose what I want to do first!
I just have those old tapes playing in my head of what a good mom does and looks like and all those things I 'should' be insisting they do.
The summer was great for the most part - and I had the excuse of it was the summer and we were on vacation, so no one questioned me much. But now that it is the "school year" I am getting more pressure and it's throwing me off balance.
Kristie
I just have those old tapes playing in my head of what a good mom does and looks like and all those things I 'should' be insisting they do.
The summer was great for the most part - and I had the excuse of it was the summer and we were on vacation, so no one questioned me much. But now that it is the "school year" I am getting more pressure and it's throwing me off balance.
Kristie
messy_boys
I do let the older boys know if they are smelling not so good, or if their hair is looking bad. That usually results in them taking a shower quickly by their own choice.
"Find a way to sound agreeable without agreeing." That's pretty much how I handled it. I told him that I had a lot on my plate, and that if I forgot to brush teeth once in a while it wasn't that big of a deal to me.
Kristie
"Find a way to sound agreeable without agreeing." That's pretty much how I handled it. I told him that I had a lot on my plate, and that if I forgot to brush teeth once in a while it wasn't that big of a deal to me.
Kristie
messy_boys
Thanks, Joyce!
No, I don't think he would take me to court over it. I really love your point about taking care of those things just before he comes over. I had already started doing that with the house, making my cleaning day coincide with his visits. I can just make sure those are shower/bath days, too. Then when he asks the boys the last time they had a shower it will be recent. :)
My littlest 4 all brush together in the kitchen. I don't even have to try...they love brushing their teeth and will ask to at various times throughout the day. Maybe I should just include my older two in these times as well, keeping the reminders around but still leaving it up to them.
I'll go read some more on your site now. :) Thanks!!!
Kristie
No, I don't think he would take me to court over it. I really love your point about taking care of those things just before he comes over. I had already started doing that with the house, making my cleaning day coincide with his visits. I can just make sure those are shower/bath days, too. Then when he asks the boys the last time they had a shower it will be recent. :)
My littlest 4 all brush together in the kitchen. I don't even have to try...they love brushing their teeth and will ask to at various times throughout the day. Maybe I should just include my older two in these times as well, keeping the reminders around but still leaving it up to them.
I'll go read some more on your site now. :) Thanks!!!
Kristie
Meredith
"navinmouse" <cj53037@...> wrote:
Maybe not - my brother always had better tooth brushing habits than I did and consistently more cavities. A whole slew of factors play in to dental health, from genetics to ear/nose/throat issues to digestive issues to how much saliva you produce. Brushing isn't the magic bullet it's sometimes made out to be.
---Meredith
> 6 yr old has some nice cavities that formed from not brushing regularly :( $$$ that could have been saved by just brushing an extra time each day...**************
Maybe not - my brother always had better tooth brushing habits than I did and consistently more cavities. A whole slew of factors play in to dental health, from genetics to ear/nose/throat issues to digestive issues to how much saliva you produce. Brushing isn't the magic bullet it's sometimes made out to be.
---Meredith
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
So if you guys do not live together (right?_)
How does he know the kids do not brush their teeth or take showers?
Can you make sure they do when they see their dad?
Who is telling dad that?
Is it that they do not when they see dad and they you explained that they do not?
Explain less.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
How does he know the kids do not brush their teeth or take showers?
Can you make sure they do when they see their dad?
Who is telling dad that?
Is it that they do not when they see dad and they you explained that they do not?
Explain less.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
messy_boys
He will actually ask them point blank, "when's the last time you had a shower" and look at their teeth! Yes, I think I will just make sure they have done these things before he comes over.
Thanks! Kristie
Thanks! Kristie
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
> So if you guys do not live together (right?_)
> How does he know the kids do not brush their teeth or take showers?
>
>
> Can you make sure they do when they see their dad?
Meredith
"messy_boys" <messy_boys@...> wrote:
I was hanging out with a mixed group of parents a couple weeks ago - some school parents, some homeschoolers, and us, the wild radical unschoolers. No-one was talking about school or home/unschool but we all had fun stories about our kids - girls and boys, none of whom love to bathe but all of whom were busy playing in a sprinkler at that point. It was a nice reminder that some of the things which can seem worrisome when comparing home/unschooled kids to idealized school kids aren't that big of a deal. Plenty of school kids bathe once a week or less.
---Meredith
>> My ex-husband was here over the weekend and he brought it up. He said that taking a shower every 4 days and not brushing teeth was unacceptable. He pointed out that our oldest son is getting yellow teeth.***************
I was hanging out with a mixed group of parents a couple weeks ago - some school parents, some homeschoolers, and us, the wild radical unschoolers. No-one was talking about school or home/unschool but we all had fun stories about our kids - girls and boys, none of whom love to bathe but all of whom were busy playing in a sprinkler at that point. It was a nice reminder that some of the things which can seem worrisome when comparing home/unschooled kids to idealized school kids aren't that big of a deal. Plenty of school kids bathe once a week or less.
---Meredith
carolyn winkler
I agree - we often bring the girls floss/toothbrushes/cup for spitting in
so they can brush while watching TV or whatever they are doing.
Easy-peasy.
Carolyn Winkler
"I don't think it's a good idea to leave brushing at letting them decide
for themselves. I *do* think it's a good idea to make it as easy possible
for them to brush. Remove as many obstacles as you can between them and
clean teeth. Then each time let them decide. I can't remember a time when
Kat decided not to when she said she didn't want to and was reminded she
did have the choice.
Joyce"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
so they can brush while watching TV or whatever they are doing.
Easy-peasy.
Carolyn Winkler
"I don't think it's a good idea to leave brushing at letting them decide
for themselves. I *do* think it's a good idea to make it as easy possible
for them to brush. Remove as many obstacles as you can between them and
clean teeth. Then each time let them decide. I can't remember a time when
Kat decided not to when she said she didn't want to and was reminded she
did have the choice.
Joyce"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]