Explaining "mean"
aimeemwheeler
We recently had to downsize our living situation and to make up for the lack of space my husband has been taking my kids (5 yrs and 17 mos) to the park in the evening. We have unschooled from the get go so my 5 yr old son has only really interacted with mostly unschooled kids and family friends. Don't get me wrong. We don't live in a bubble or anything it is just that most of his meaningful interactions are not with very mainstream children. So that being said he is now suddenly getting a regular dose of older mainstream kids almost every evening at the park. He is also wonderfully oblivious to mean spiritedness for the most part. He is pretty sensitive and empathetic to people's feelings and we talk about it a lot. How things make him feel, other people feel, etc. Even with his little sister he is pretty amazing for a 5 yr old. Sometimes he drives me crazy but then he'll randomly blow me away with his kindness and love for her. I digress. He loves to play chase, etc but he is 5 and doesn't really get the rules and the system of it. He just loves that everyone is running after each other. I have not personally witnessed this but my husband says that the older kids take advantage of him by always making him be it, tagging him right back, etc. I am not sure exactly how much of that bothers my son as much as it bothers my husband but my son often comes home and tells me about a kid who was mean to him or to another kid.
So at last, here is my question...how do I explain that behavior to him. I am struggling to not use my old stuff and say things like "because they are brats". I know it is more complicated than that but how do I explain that to a 5 yr old. We have talked about his choice in how he lets people treat him and that he can choose not to interact with people who he feels don't treat him in a way that he likes. I am trying to embrace the whole thing as an opportunity for him to grow and learn more about the world but the mama bear in me wants to protect him from it and tell my husband to pick a different park for goodness sake. Any thoughts for my to chew on as I process this would be greatly appreciated.
TIA,
Aimee
So at last, here is my question...how do I explain that behavior to him. I am struggling to not use my old stuff and say things like "because they are brats". I know it is more complicated than that but how do I explain that to a 5 yr old. We have talked about his choice in how he lets people treat him and that he can choose not to interact with people who he feels don't treat him in a way that he likes. I am trying to embrace the whole thing as an opportunity for him to grow and learn more about the world but the mama bear in me wants to protect him from it and tell my husband to pick a different park for goodness sake. Any thoughts for my to chew on as I process this would be greatly appreciated.
TIA,
Aimee
aimeemwheeler
Just got more info from DH. Evidently the kids tonight were hitting him with balls (they were playing tag ball) and calling him dumb to each other because he didn't understand that they were being mean. They were about 10 yrs old. When my husband intervened my son did not understand why. He thought they were being his friends by playing with him. Part of me feels like it is important to talk to him about it but let him make his own choices knowing that one day he tell the kids to bugger off on his own. But at the same time I don't feel comfortable just standing by watching older kids take advantage of the kind spirit of a younger child (mine or anyone else's).
Meredith
"aimeemwheeler" <apmama@...> wrote:
I have a 10yo, and a certain amount of "trash talk" is normal, even for unschooling kids. It's not necessarily as mean spirited as it sounds to an adult, especially when directed at a younger child. If they were frustrated and trying to get rid of him, I hope your husband would have intervened, but if the trash talk was part of the fun, that's a different story. In fun, it's in line with calling someone "cute" - friendly teasing.
He might be right! If they weren't actively trying to get rid of him, they Were being friendly, especially if they were all boys. If they were trying to get rid of him, then that's dad's fault for not removing him from the situation.
One of the awkward things about unschooling is that its easy to impose our own schoolyard baggage on our kids experiences. Wait and see what your son thinks before jumping to conclusions or trying to "explain" things to him. If he's not seeing the same things, your explanations won't make sense, and it will undermine your credibility with him.
---Meredith
>****************
> Just got more info from DH. Evidently the kids tonight were hitting him with balls (they were playing tag ball) and calling him dumb to each other because he didn't understand that they were being mean. They were about 10 yrs old.
I have a 10yo, and a certain amount of "trash talk" is normal, even for unschooling kids. It's not necessarily as mean spirited as it sounds to an adult, especially when directed at a younger child. If they were frustrated and trying to get rid of him, I hope your husband would have intervened, but if the trash talk was part of the fun, that's a different story. In fun, it's in line with calling someone "cute" - friendly teasing.
>> When my husband intervened my son did not understand why. He thought they were being his friends by playing with him.****************
He might be right! If they weren't actively trying to get rid of him, they Were being friendly, especially if they were all boys. If they were trying to get rid of him, then that's dad's fault for not removing him from the situation.
One of the awkward things about unschooling is that its easy to impose our own schoolyard baggage on our kids experiences. Wait and see what your son thinks before jumping to conclusions or trying to "explain" things to him. If he's not seeing the same things, your explanations won't make sense, and it will undermine your credibility with him.
---Meredith
aimeemwheeler
Thanks for the food for thought everyone.