Interfering In-laws
princesssmindiii
I'm relatively new to this group, therefore I apologize if this topic has been covered.
My brother in-law and his wife (strict foster parents) consistently reprimand my children. Regardless of whether my husband and/or myself are in the room, as soon as one of the kids does something the bro/sis in-law deem inappropriate, they begin lecturing. And it is done in a demeaning manner; as if they were not children, rather complete idiots. Our parenting style is relaxed, trusting, and respectful. Theirs is not, and I am in need of advice as to how to respectfully handle this situation.
I do not wish to alienate family, however it is all I can do to not fly off the handle.
Thank you for your help!
Amanda
My brother in-law and his wife (strict foster parents) consistently reprimand my children. Regardless of whether my husband and/or myself are in the room, as soon as one of the kids does something the bro/sis in-law deem inappropriate, they begin lecturing. And it is done in a demeaning manner; as if they were not children, rather complete idiots. Our parenting style is relaxed, trusting, and respectful. Theirs is not, and I am in need of advice as to how to respectfully handle this situation.
I do not wish to alienate family, however it is all I can do to not fly off the handle.
Thank you for your help!
Amanda
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jul 6, 2012, at 9:11 PM, princesssmindiii wrote:
Their aunt and uncle aren't their parents. Your kids know they only have to put up with them for as long as the visit. I suspect your kids see them as annoying not crushing (as they might if the lectures came from you.)
If their kids were doing something wrong, wouldn't you feel it right to say something to the kids to stop them? (If not, you should!)
Your approaches are different. I suspect you wouldn't want your in-laws to tell you to parent differently. (Or if they are, I suspect it makes you want to shut your ears to any suggestions.)
Two suggestions. Let them know you've found that *your* kids respond better if the point is made in just a few words, that they tend to tune out lectures. Or you could tell them to send the kids to you if there's a problem. If they start in on the kids in your presence keep asking them what your kids did wrong -- like being too loud or whatever. Get them to keep it short. And then tell them you'll handle it. (Repeat until they leave you alone.) Then give your kids some ideas on how to meet whatever need they have in ways that won't be annoying to their aunt and uncle. Explain that it's just how they are. It'll be helping your kids be courteous. It might mean engaging with your kids to do something more interesting if they're bored. It might mean getting the need met later.
You could say since you parent very differently, your kids are better able to respond to the parenting they're used to. If they protest that your kids should listen to others, ask them to just focus on the immediate issue, and you can each focus on fixing whatever is lacking in your own kids.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> My brother in-law and his wife (strict foster parents) consistently reprimand my children.Are your kids bothered by it? That's the most important question.
Their aunt and uncle aren't their parents. Your kids know they only have to put up with them for as long as the visit. I suspect your kids see them as annoying not crushing (as they might if the lectures came from you.)
If their kids were doing something wrong, wouldn't you feel it right to say something to the kids to stop them? (If not, you should!)
Your approaches are different. I suspect you wouldn't want your in-laws to tell you to parent differently. (Or if they are, I suspect it makes you want to shut your ears to any suggestions.)
Two suggestions. Let them know you've found that *your* kids respond better if the point is made in just a few words, that they tend to tune out lectures. Or you could tell them to send the kids to you if there's a problem. If they start in on the kids in your presence keep asking them what your kids did wrong -- like being too loud or whatever. Get them to keep it short. And then tell them you'll handle it. (Repeat until they leave you alone.) Then give your kids some ideas on how to meet whatever need they have in ways that won't be annoying to their aunt and uncle. Explain that it's just how they are. It'll be helping your kids be courteous. It might mean engaging with your kids to do something more interesting if they're bored. It might mean getting the need met later.
You could say since you parent very differently, your kids are better able to respond to the parenting they're used to. If they protest that your kids should listen to others, ask them to just focus on the immediate issue, and you can each focus on fixing whatever is lacking in your own kids.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Are they fostering your children? Do you live with them?
If not, don't visit until you can figure out a way to stand up for your children. The kids can't do it. You have to do it. Nice or not.
You may have to alienate someone if your relatives don't respond to something relatively polite like, "We speak to our children in different ways. We'd appreciate it if you brought any concerns you have directly to us instead of reprimanding the children."
Nance
If not, don't visit until you can figure out a way to stand up for your children. The kids can't do it. You have to do it. Nice or not.
You may have to alienate someone if your relatives don't respond to something relatively polite like, "We speak to our children in different ways. We'd appreciate it if you brought any concerns you have directly to us instead of reprimanding the children."
Nance
--- In [email protected], "princesssmindiii" <princesssmindiii@...> wrote:
>
> I'm relatively new to this group, therefore I apologize if this topic has been covered.
> My brother in-law and his wife (strict foster parents) consistently reprimand my children. Regardless of whether my husband and/or myself are in the room, as soon as one of the kids does something the bro/sis in-law deem inappropriate, they begin lecturing. And it is done in a demeaning manner; as if they were not children, rather complete idiots. Our parenting style is relaxed, trusting, and respectful. Theirs is not, and I am in need of advice as to how to respectfully handle this situation.
> I do not wish to alienate family, however it is all I can do to not fly off the handle.
>
> Thank you for your help!
> Amanda
>
Meredith
"princesssmindiii" <princesssmindiii@...> wrote:
You can't change others parenting, but you can set your kids up for more success and offer them choices which empower them. If your kids don't enjoy visiting with these folks, spend less time in their company and whenever possible meet in kid friendly spaces where there will be less for them to find objectionable.
When you do visit, help set the stage for better visits: remind your kids what will help them get along with their aunt and uncle. What sorts of things do they "deem inappropriate"? Work to find ways for your kids not to run into conflict. For instance, if aunt and uncle lecture them about food, make sure the kids eat before you visit and avoid visiting for mealtimes - set the stage to be able to say "oh, it's okay if they eat that, they already had dinner". If aunt and uncle lecture them about courtesy, be sure to prime the kids beforehand with a reminder to be super polite on aunt and uncle's terms to minimize conflict.
But none of that prep will be very helpful if your kids feel like they're stuck visiting people they don't like. Don't set them up to feel stuck.
---Meredith
>***************
> My brother in-law and his wife (strict foster parents) consistently reprimand my children. Regardless of whether my husband and/or myself are in the room, as soon as one of the kids does something the bro/sis in-law deem inappropriate, they begin lecturing.
You can't change others parenting, but you can set your kids up for more success and offer them choices which empower them. If your kids don't enjoy visiting with these folks, spend less time in their company and whenever possible meet in kid friendly spaces where there will be less for them to find objectionable.
When you do visit, help set the stage for better visits: remind your kids what will help them get along with their aunt and uncle. What sorts of things do they "deem inappropriate"? Work to find ways for your kids not to run into conflict. For instance, if aunt and uncle lecture them about food, make sure the kids eat before you visit and avoid visiting for mealtimes - set the stage to be able to say "oh, it's okay if they eat that, they already had dinner". If aunt and uncle lecture them about courtesy, be sure to prime the kids beforehand with a reminder to be super polite on aunt and uncle's terms to minimize conflict.
But none of that prep will be very helpful if your kids feel like they're stuck visiting people they don't like. Don't set them up to feel stuck.
---Meredith