My 14 year old
messy_boys
I would appreciate your input and ideas on my 14yo. He seems tired and stressed and has for a while. Things improved when I started moving towards an unschooling life. We dropped formal studies. He absolutely hated schoolwork of any kind. I relaxed my time limits on his TV and video games. I also have relaxed my 'control' on his day, such as telling him when to go to bed, when to eat, etc... He is very happy about all these changes and in many ways our relationship is better than ever!
But - he is very impatient with his siblings, who are all younger than him. My 11 yo in particular is a regular target of his anger. If the computer crashes, it's D's fault. If a cup spills, it's D's fault. He huffs and puffs whenever D needs help with something. D is a quiet, sensitive type and I know this hurts him. (I do try to be proactive and intervene as much as possible before these things happen.)
Right now, they share a room...and I am wondering if I should change this and give B (my 14 yo) his own room. ??? I could set D up with his younger brothers (who look up to him). Is this a good idea?
Also, any other ideas on helping my 14 yo with his emotions? We have a very open relationship, but I get the feeling that he mostly just wants to be left alone, so I honor that.
Thanks,
Kristie
But - he is very impatient with his siblings, who are all younger than him. My 11 yo in particular is a regular target of his anger. If the computer crashes, it's D's fault. If a cup spills, it's D's fault. He huffs and puffs whenever D needs help with something. D is a quiet, sensitive type and I know this hurts him. (I do try to be proactive and intervene as much as possible before these things happen.)
Right now, they share a room...and I am wondering if I should change this and give B (my 14 yo) his own room. ??? I could set D up with his younger brothers (who look up to him). Is this a good idea?
Also, any other ideas on helping my 14 yo with his emotions? We have a very open relationship, but I get the feeling that he mostly just wants to be left alone, so I honor that.
Thanks,
Kristie
Meredith
"messy_boys" <messy_boys@...> wrote:
It could be a great idea. Young teens often need a good bit of privacy. If he's been needing that, having to share a room could be grating on his nerves in a big way!
Talk it over with the 11yo first, maybe, so you can let him know you're looking for ways to ease the tension with his brother, and think it might help if the 14yo has more privacy. If you talk to him first, you have the chance to frame that all gently so it doesn't come across as "your brother doesn't like you". But also ask the 14yo if this is something he wants - does he want his own room or would he rather have one of the younger kids move in with him? Some other option you might not have considered?
Not all kids like other kids, especially younger kids. And an eldest child can feel very crowded out - any child in a big family, but the eldest has had the experience of being an only child, even if for only a few years. Do you tend to ask/expect him to help with his siblings? It might help a Lot to step back from that. If asked for his help a lot in the past, he might not realize he can say "I don't want to take care of the littles" - it could help to outright tell him. When Ray first came back to us, at 13, he had been expected to help with his mom's second child, who's just a little younger than Morgan. He didn't realize he wasn't expected to do all the same things at our house - didn't realize if I left the room he wasn't "in charge". It helped him to come right out and tell him he didn't have to do that any more.
---Meredith
>> Right now, they share a room...and I am wondering if I should change this and give B (my 14 yo) his own room. ??? I could set D up with his younger brothers (who look up to him). Is this a good idea?**************
It could be a great idea. Young teens often need a good bit of privacy. If he's been needing that, having to share a room could be grating on his nerves in a big way!
Talk it over with the 11yo first, maybe, so you can let him know you're looking for ways to ease the tension with his brother, and think it might help if the 14yo has more privacy. If you talk to him first, you have the chance to frame that all gently so it doesn't come across as "your brother doesn't like you". But also ask the 14yo if this is something he wants - does he want his own room or would he rather have one of the younger kids move in with him? Some other option you might not have considered?
>>> But - he is very impatient with his siblings, who are all younger than him**************
Not all kids like other kids, especially younger kids. And an eldest child can feel very crowded out - any child in a big family, but the eldest has had the experience of being an only child, even if for only a few years. Do you tend to ask/expect him to help with his siblings? It might help a Lot to step back from that. If asked for his help a lot in the past, he might not realize he can say "I don't want to take care of the littles" - it could help to outright tell him. When Ray first came back to us, at 13, he had been expected to help with his mom's second child, who's just a little younger than Morgan. He didn't realize he wasn't expected to do all the same things at our house - didn't realize if I left the room he wasn't "in charge". It helped him to come right out and tell him he didn't have to do that any more.
---Meredith
messy_boys
Thank you, Meredith.
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>>>having to share a room could be grating on his nerves in a big way!<<<
This describes it perfectly. It's as if his nerves are just frayed. Right now he is big into Minecraft, a friend and he built a server, and they constantly have something going, including recording their creations/adventures. He seems to feel interrupted and invaded a lot, even if it is just D sitting there and watching him.
>>>Talk it over with the 11yo first...But also ask the 14yo if this is something he wants - does he want his own room or would he rather have one of the younger kids move in with him? Some other option you might not have considered?<<<
This is what I was leaning towards doing, just talking with them about it and being very careful to not frame it as something negative.
>>>Do you tend to ask/expect him to help with his siblings? It might help a Lot to step back from that. If asked for his help a lot in the past, he might not realize he can say "I don't want to take care of the littles" - it could help to outright tell him.<<<
In the past, YES, there have been times when he had to help a lot. This is something I've really strived to change over the last year and now I don't ask him to help unless I really need him to. I think he does know that he can say no because of the way I ask him. It really is a question and not a nicely spoken demand. If he says no, I just ask someone else to help, and if that doesn't work then I either find a way to do it myself or wait til some other time.
Thanks again!
Kristie