Outings
Colienne de Walque
I need help regarding outings with our son Gilles, who is four years old.
At first, I want to say that I'm the kind of person who likes going out -especially since I discovered unschooling and refound my curiosity- and Gilles is much more an homebody. Until a few weeks ago, we had found a balance... we went out for excursions once or twice a week. It was enough to keep me energized (but if I was the only one to decide I would go to explore something different everyday) and Gilles was most of the time very happy to be out (and the few times he was not we came back home) !
And now he doesn't want to go out anymore. I mean we went once or twice to the grocery store this month (I think it is because he knows I will buy him a toy if he wants to) but our last "real" outing (a walk in the woods he really enjoyed) was about three weeks ago. As he doesn't want me to go out without him when his dad is at home, I start feeling like a prisoner.
When we ask him the reasons why he doesn't want to go out, Gilles sometimes tells us there are no reasons and sometimes tells us it is because he needs to pee all the time. It is true that two weeks ago he had two days where he wanted to pee every five minuts (and we were a bit suprized because it had never happened before) but it is not the case anymore.
I tried to explain him that I really needed to go out, that it helped me to stay balanced. That we needed to find a solution because if we don't go outside soon, I will be very nervous and could yell at him. I didn't say that to scare him, it is really what I feel. I never yelled at him (I yell in my head sometimes) but it is very hard to stay calm. Gilles' answer made me smile... he said "So we need to find a solution for you to stay inside the house without yelling" !
The problem is that Gilles likes to read the same books, or watch the same videos or play the same games these days. New things I propose are most of the time welcomed with a "no" so it's difficult for me "to bring the world in our home" at this moment.
I don't know what happens. Gilles stopped nursing to fall asleep about two weeks ago, he stills nurses during the night and in the morning but I guess it is a big change for him (and I was surprized as it happened suddenly) - maybe there is a link ? Plus, he is concerned about death these days... I remember he sometimes talked about it when he was three, but now he tells me "I don't want to grow up, I don't want you to die" several days a week.
(I have begun to read "The Explosive Chid" and "The Out-of-Sync Child" will arrive soon : maybe I will find some suggestions about transitions in these books.)
Thank you,
Colienne
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At first, I want to say that I'm the kind of person who likes going out -especially since I discovered unschooling and refound my curiosity- and Gilles is much more an homebody. Until a few weeks ago, we had found a balance... we went out for excursions once or twice a week. It was enough to keep me energized (but if I was the only one to decide I would go to explore something different everyday) and Gilles was most of the time very happy to be out (and the few times he was not we came back home) !
And now he doesn't want to go out anymore. I mean we went once or twice to the grocery store this month (I think it is because he knows I will buy him a toy if he wants to) but our last "real" outing (a walk in the woods he really enjoyed) was about three weeks ago. As he doesn't want me to go out without him when his dad is at home, I start feeling like a prisoner.
When we ask him the reasons why he doesn't want to go out, Gilles sometimes tells us there are no reasons and sometimes tells us it is because he needs to pee all the time. It is true that two weeks ago he had two days where he wanted to pee every five minuts (and we were a bit suprized because it had never happened before) but it is not the case anymore.
I tried to explain him that I really needed to go out, that it helped me to stay balanced. That we needed to find a solution because if we don't go outside soon, I will be very nervous and could yell at him. I didn't say that to scare him, it is really what I feel. I never yelled at him (I yell in my head sometimes) but it is very hard to stay calm. Gilles' answer made me smile... he said "So we need to find a solution for you to stay inside the house without yelling" !
The problem is that Gilles likes to read the same books, or watch the same videos or play the same games these days. New things I propose are most of the time welcomed with a "no" so it's difficult for me "to bring the world in our home" at this moment.
I don't know what happens. Gilles stopped nursing to fall asleep about two weeks ago, he stills nurses during the night and in the morning but I guess it is a big change for him (and I was surprized as it happened suddenly) - maybe there is a link ? Plus, he is concerned about death these days... I remember he sometimes talked about it when he was three, but now he tells me "I don't want to grow up, I don't want you to die" several days a week.
(I have begun to read "The Explosive Chid" and "The Out-of-Sync Child" will arrive soon : maybe I will find some suggestions about transitions in these books.)
Thank you,
Colienne
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Meredith
Colienne de Walque <colienne.dewalque@...> wrote:
Sounds like a good idea to me ;)
It could help for you to think about why you want to get out - what does that do for you? If you're the list making type, make a list. Then look at ways to get More of your needs and desires met at home.
For instance, if you like a change of scenery, can you re-arrange the furniture? If you like getting out into nature, can you spend more time outside, but still close to the house? Or bring more of "nature" into the house - house plants, a terrarium, a container garden, a fish tank... that sort of thing. If you need more social contact, can you spend more time online?
Bring new things You want into the home, for you. If he's enjoying focusing on the same things for now, that's okay - part of learning and growing often involves going back over the same ground. If your son is seeming bored with what's home, that's time to start bringing in new things for him.
Could be! Sometimes developmental changes leave kids feeling uncertain and needing familiarity. It might help to think in terms of "nesting" - he wants to snuggle down into his safe, warm, comforting space for awhile until he's ready for more. Right now, there's enough change in his life.
---Meredith
>> I tried to explain him that I really needed to go out, that it helped me to stay balanced. That we needed to find a solution because if we don't go outside soon, I will be very nervous and could yell at him.... Gilles' answer made me smile... he said "So we need to find a solution for you to stay inside the house without yelling" !******************
Sounds like a good idea to me ;)
It could help for you to think about why you want to get out - what does that do for you? If you're the list making type, make a list. Then look at ways to get More of your needs and desires met at home.
For instance, if you like a change of scenery, can you re-arrange the furniture? If you like getting out into nature, can you spend more time outside, but still close to the house? Or bring more of "nature" into the house - house plants, a terrarium, a container garden, a fish tank... that sort of thing. If you need more social contact, can you spend more time online?
>> New things I propose are most of the time welcomed with a "no" so it's difficult for me "to bring the world in our home" at this moment.****************
Bring new things You want into the home, for you. If he's enjoying focusing on the same things for now, that's okay - part of learning and growing often involves going back over the same ground. If your son is seeming bored with what's home, that's time to start bringing in new things for him.
>>Gilles stopped nursing to fall asleep about two weeks ago, he stills nurses during the night and in the morning but I guess it is a big change for him (and I was surprized as it happened suddenly) - maybe there is a link ?**************
Could be! Sometimes developmental changes leave kids feeling uncertain and needing familiarity. It might help to think in terms of "nesting" - he wants to snuggle down into his safe, warm, comforting space for awhile until he's ready for more. Right now, there's enough change in his life.
---Meredith
Colienne de Walque
Could be! Sometimes developmental changes leave kids feeling uncertain
and needing familiarity. It might help to think in terms of "nesting" -
he wants to snuggle down into his safe, warm, comforting space for
awhile until he's ready for more. Right now, there's enough change in
his life.
******************
It's so true ! A couple of months ago, Gilles asked me to put our two couches face to face. It now forms a kind of big nest and it's his favorite place in the whole house. We play there, we read there, we watch videos there... and sometimes he even wants to fall asleep there :-)
I stopped talking about outings during a week. And one evening, I said we could maybe go for a walk in the forest, the three of us. He wanted to go and once in the forest he said "I didn't remember it was so cool" !
Now I sometimes ask him in the evening if he wants to do something (I don't say "something" I propose specific things) the next day and he answers that he prefers to stay home. I don't ask to press him, it's to be sure he has the opportunity to go out if he wants to, but I wonder if it's a good idea.
Bring new things You want into the home, for you.
******************
Thank you for this reminder.
I also realized that I sometimes talked to much. I took the habit to tell him what I planned to do when he was younger and it seemed appropriate, but now it's often better to say nothing at all. For example, if I tell him I want to check a new website, he will say he doesn't want to. But if I don't say anything and show it to him directly, he is very enthusiastic !
Colienne
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and needing familiarity. It might help to think in terms of "nesting" -
he wants to snuggle down into his safe, warm, comforting space for
awhile until he's ready for more. Right now, there's enough change in
his life.
******************
It's so true ! A couple of months ago, Gilles asked me to put our two couches face to face. It now forms a kind of big nest and it's his favorite place in the whole house. We play there, we read there, we watch videos there... and sometimes he even wants to fall asleep there :-)
I stopped talking about outings during a week. And one evening, I said we could maybe go for a walk in the forest, the three of us. He wanted to go and once in the forest he said "I didn't remember it was so cool" !
Now I sometimes ask him in the evening if he wants to do something (I don't say "something" I propose specific things) the next day and he answers that he prefers to stay home. I don't ask to press him, it's to be sure he has the opportunity to go out if he wants to, but I wonder if it's a good idea.
Bring new things You want into the home, for you.
******************
Thank you for this reminder.
I also realized that I sometimes talked to much. I took the habit to tell him what I planned to do when he was younger and it seemed appropriate, but now it's often better to say nothing at all. For example, if I tell him I want to check a new website, he will say he doesn't want to. But if I don't say anything and show it to him directly, he is very enthusiastic !
Colienne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]