Sara Uselton

My oldest, 7, is an extremely sweet-hearted boy. He's loving and kind and compassionate. He very much wants to connect with other kids and adults when we're out, but isn't always able to read the cues of others. He's a very active boy, who gets really excited sometimes, especially when he's thinking he might be able to make a connection with someone. He's also very spontaneous, and tries to connect in a very physical way, by touching them, touching their face, hugging, things like that. I'm finding there's only a small minority of people who enjoy that type of interaction. He often, then keeps trying, and sometimes ends up hurting them. Most people seem very uncomfortable and confused, and then angry. I do see progress on his ability to read people's cues, but he still really does not seem to either see their cues or react to them.

I regularly talk to him about most people not really wanting to be touched, and how that might interfere with developing friendships. He has definitely been open to that information, and I definitely see gradual progress in his interactions, but he still gets really excited, and will spontaneously grab someone, or even try to kiss them. Let me tell you, most boys, age 7 & up, do not respond well to other boys attempting to kiss them. And then, sometimes when it doesn't go well, he ends up throwing something at them, or punching them or something. Again, I don't feel he's even angry so much as wanting badly to make a connection, and doing anything he can think of to get a reaction from someone.

He's recently told me he wants to join soccer. There's several aspects of joining soccer that concern me for him. One, he's really into free play, and doesn't really get on board with any structure or rules of play. I feel that if he doesn't like it, we can just quit. But, I'm more concerned about the social interaction. Is there anything I can do to prepare him for soccer more than just continuing to remind him that a lot of people don't like to be touched, or kissed, or hugged, etc?

Any suggestion for ways I can help prepare him or ways I can help prepare myself would be appreciated. :)

Schuyler

Be more present. If you know that some things are difficult for your son to negotiate, be present. Help him when he needs help. Move him on from something when he needs to be helped to move on. Talk less, expect less, and help him more.


It may help to look for older kids to play with, maybe boys that you can hire to be a sort of mother's helper with you. Or young adults. Younger kids are going to struggle to understand your son's intensity and interaction style.


>>He's recently told me he wants to join soccer.  There's several
aspects of joining soccer that concern me for him.  One, he's really
into free play, and doesn't really get on board with any structure or
rules of play.  I feel that if he doesn't like it, we can just quit. 
But, I'm more concerned about the social interaction.  Is there anything I can do to prepare him for soccer more than just continuing to remind
him that a lot of people don't like to be touched, or kissed, or hugged, etc? <<

Find a place where you can kick balls around with other people. Again, I would recommend older children.  I wouldn't sign him up for something that he isn't prepared to handle. You could talk to a coach of a local soccer team and see what he or she recommends. Tell them your concerns and see if they have ideas for how to help your son play soccer. Or see if they know of places where he could play more spontaneously. Find out what level of structure soccer for 7 year olds has. Look for more than just signing him up to a soccer side as a method to fulfill his desire to play soccer.


Schuyler

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Feb 5, 2012, at 7:42 PM, Sara Uselton wrote:

> Any suggestion for ways I can help prepare him or ways
> I can help prepare myself would be appreciated. :)

He's not ready. Yet.

I don't think you should try to be comfortable with him making others uncomfortable. If he were kicking or spitting on people, I doubt you'd think it a good idea to turn him loose on a soccer team.

Let him know you've noticed he's learning how to not touch people when they don't want it, but he's not ready *yet* to remember during the excitement of playing soccer with a lot of kids.

> I regularly talk to him about most people not really wanting
> to be touched, and how that might interfere with developing
> friendships.

Just because someone isn't doing something doesn't mean they don't understand. If you've told him more than a couple of times, he knows. It's not knowledge he lacks. It's impulse control. He needs two things: The ability to notice the impulse before he acts on it. And the maturity to stop himself from acting.

They will both come with age. You can help him notice the feelings by coming up together with a keyword you can call out that won't mean anything to others but turns his attention to what he's doing. Something like "Monkey!" Then work out what he should do when he hears it. Like stopping. Like coming to you if stopping isn't enough to defuse the build up of feelings he's acting on.

Rather than just saying "No, don't," help him figure out how to "no, don't." And until he can, you be there to be his "no, don't," to be his buffer between him and the world.

Joyce

Sara Uselton

Those suggestions are really helpful. I like the "mommy's helper" idea a lot. Kids 14 and up tend to really like Jack. He's really funny, and they seem to really "get" him, and they're usually equipped to handle the intensity. The ones we have come in contact with have been friends of his older cousins who lives hours away. I really don't know anyone that age level that's local. I'm thinking maybe putting an "ad" up at my local library?

I realize I've been thinking too "in the box" with soccer. There's a local park around me that always has loads of kids. He's usually able to find one or two people to hang with. If we bring a soccer ball, I'm betting he'll be able to entice some into kicking it around.
There's even soccer goals there.

Thanks so much!

[email protected]

He gets lots and lots and lots of hugs and touching at home, right?

Asking because I noticed my 5-year-old nephew needing this when he had a sleepover here this weekend. He lives with his grandmother and she can't pick him up as much as he gets here. Here there's me and DH and teenagers and we can all wrestle around with him or just rub his back and hug him. And he seemed to really need it.

Anyway, just made me think.

Nance


--- In [email protected], "Sara Uselton" <saralouwho@...> wrote:
>
> My oldest, 7, is an extremely sweet-hearted boy. He's loving and kind and compassionate. He very much wants to connect with other kids and adults when we're out, but isn't always able to read the cues of others. He's a very active boy, who gets really excited sometimes, especially when he's thinking he might be able to make a connection with someone. He's also very spontaneous, and tries to connect in a very physical way, by touching them, touching their face, hugging, things like that. I'm finding there's only a small minority of people who enjoy that type of interaction. He often, then keeps trying, and sometimes ends up hurting them. Most people seem very uncomfortable and confused, and then angry. I do see progress on his ability to read people's cues, but he still really does not seem to either see their cues or react to them.
>
> I regularly talk to him about most people not really wanting to be touched, and how that might interfere with developing friendships. He has definitely been open to that information, and I definitely see gradual progress in his interactions, but he still gets really excited, and will spontaneously grab someone, or even try to kiss them. Let me tell you, most boys, age 7 & up, do not respond well to other boys attempting to kiss them. And then, sometimes when it doesn't go well, he ends up throwing something at them, or punching them or something. Again, I don't feel he's even angry so much as wanting badly to make a connection, and doing anything he can think of to get a reaction from someone.
>
> He's recently told me he wants to join soccer. There's several aspects of joining soccer that concern me for him. One, he's really into free play, and doesn't really get on board with any structure or rules of play. I feel that if he doesn't like it, we can just quit. But, I'm more concerned about the social interaction. Is there anything I can do to prepare him for soccer more than just continuing to remind him that a lot of people don't like to be touched, or kissed, or hugged, etc?
>
> Any suggestion for ways I can help prepare him or ways I can help prepare myself would be appreciated. :)
>

Sara Uselton

Thanks Nance. Yes, he does get lots of physical contact. He sleeps with us, and I'm a very touchy, feely person myself. I sometimes worry that I'm giving so much to my younger son, that I don't give enough attention to Jack. So then I'll try to get involved more with his interests or ask him if he'd like to sit by me. Mostly he tells me something like, "oh mom, I love you so much, but I need some space" lol. I've noticed that once he makes a connection with others, he's a lot more relaxed with them. I think he just likes to connect quicker than a lot of others are ready for.

Sara

--- In [email protected], "marbleface@..." <marbleface@...> wrote:
>
> He gets lots and lots and lots of hugs and touching at home, right?
>
> Asking because I noticed my 5-year-old nephew needing this when he had a sleepover here this weekend. He lives with his grandmother and she can't pick him up as much as he gets here. Here there's me and DH and teenagers and we can all wrestle around with him or just rub his back and hug him. And he seemed to really need it.
>
> Anyway, just made me think.
>
> Nance
>
>
> --- In [email protected], "Sara Uselton" <saralouwho@> wrote:
> >
> > My oldest, 7, is an extremely sweet-hearted boy. He's loving and kind and compassionate. He very much wants to connect with other kids and adults when we're out, but isn't always able to read the cues of others. He's a very active boy, who gets really excited sometimes, especially when he's thinking he might be able to make a connection with someone. He's also very spontaneous, and tries to connect in a very physical way, by touching them, touching their face, hugging, things like that. I'm finding there's only a small minority of people who enjoy that type of interaction. He often, then keeps trying, and sometimes ends up hurting them. Most people seem very uncomfortable and confused, and then angry. I do see progress on his ability to read people's cues, but he still really does not seem to either see their cues or react to them.
> >
> > I regularly talk to him about most people not really wanting to be touched, and how that might interfere with developing friendships. He has definitely been open to that information, and I definitely see gradual progress in his interactions, but he still gets really excited, and will spontaneously grab someone, or even try to kiss them. Let me tell you, most boys, age 7 & up, do not respond well to other boys attempting to kiss them. And then, sometimes when it doesn't go well, he ends up throwing something at them, or punching them or something. Again, I don't feel he's even angry so much as wanting badly to make a connection, and doing anything he can think of to get a reaction from someone.
> >
> > He's recently told me he wants to join soccer. There's several aspects of joining soccer that concern me for him. One, he's really into free play, and doesn't really get on board with any structure or rules of play. I feel that if he doesn't like it, we can just quit. But, I'm more concerned about the social interaction. Is there anything I can do to prepare him for soccer more than just continuing to remind him that a lot of people don't like to be touched, or kissed, or hugged, etc?
> >
> > Any suggestion for ways I can help prepare him or ways I can help prepare myself would be appreciated. :)
> >
>

[email protected]

It's amazing how different siblings can be. :)

Nance

--- In [email protected], "Sara Uselton" <saralouwho@...> wrote:
>
> Thanks Nance. Yes, he does get lots of physical contact. He sleeps with us, and I'm a very touchy, feely person myself. I sometimes worry that I'm giving so much to my younger son, that I don't give enough attention to Jack. So then I'll try to get involved more with his interests or ask him if he'd like to sit by me. Mostly he tells me something like, "oh mom, I love you so much, but I need some space" lol. I've noticed that once he makes a connection with others, he's a lot more relaxed with them. I think he just likes to connect quicker than a lot of others are ready for.
>
> Sara
>
> --- In [email protected], "marbleface@" <marbleface@> wrote:
> >
> > He gets lots and lots and lots of hugs and touching at home, right?
> >
> > Asking because I noticed my 5-year-old nephew needing this when he had a sleepover here this weekend. He lives with his grandmother and she can't pick him up as much as he gets here. Here there's me and DH and teenagers and we can all wrestle around with him or just rub his back and hug him. And he seemed to really need it.
> >
> > Anyway, just made me think.
> >
> > Nance
> >
> >
> > --- In [email protected], "Sara Uselton" <saralouwho@> wrote:
> > >
> > > My oldest, 7, is an extremely sweet-hearted boy. He's loving and kind and compassionate. He very much wants to connect with other kids and adults when we're out, but isn't always able to read the cues of others. He's a very active boy, who gets really excited sometimes, especially when he's thinking he might be able to make a connection with someone. He's also very spontaneous, and tries to connect in a very physical way, by touching them, touching their face, hugging, things like that. I'm finding there's only a small minority of people who enjoy that type of interaction. He often, then keeps trying, and sometimes ends up hurting them. Most people seem very uncomfortable and confused, and then angry. I do see progress on his ability to read people's cues, but he still really does not seem to either see their cues or react to them.
> > >
> > > I regularly talk to him about most people not really wanting to be touched, and how that might interfere with developing friendships. He has definitely been open to that information, and I definitely see gradual progress in his interactions, but he still gets really excited, and will spontaneously grab someone, or even try to kiss them. Let me tell you, most boys, age 7 & up, do not respond well to other boys attempting to kiss them. And then, sometimes when it doesn't go well, he ends up throwing something at them, or punching them or something. Again, I don't feel he's even angry so much as wanting badly to make a connection, and doing anything he can think of to get a reaction from someone.
> > >
> > > He's recently told me he wants to join soccer. There's several aspects of joining soccer that concern me for him. One, he's really into free play, and doesn't really get on board with any structure or rules of play. I feel that if he doesn't like it, we can just quit. But, I'm more concerned about the social interaction. Is there anything I can do to prepare him for soccer more than just continuing to remind him that a lot of people don't like to be touched, or kissed, or hugged, etc?
> > >
> > > Any suggestion for ways I can help prepare him or ways I can help prepare myself would be appreciated. :)
> > >
> >
>