In-law Issues
Santhy
We have two girls, 5.5 and 1.5 years old. We discovered unschooling a few months back and got our older one out of her much-hated school (thank you, all you amazingly wise and generous unschooling writers). She loves watching movies and cartoons on TV, so that is what she does most of the time. I was not comfortable with it initially but have reached a point where I can relax and facilitate her interest. I also see how she is gradually beginning to do other things while watching.
My father-in-law lives with us and he thinks we have gone absolutely nuts (We live in India, where even homeschooling is mostly unheard of. I am extremely fortunate that my husband is completely on board with me). The communication between him and us is at a bare minimum so all he knows is that we have got her out of school and plan to homeschool her (which is appalling enough). We have no idea how to explain unschooling to him, let alone radical unschooling. My husband has made a few tentative efforts, in vain. Even on the conventional parenting spectrum, my FIL would figure on the far end of critical and controlling, even of his grown children, so there is no way this would even begin to make sense to him. He loves his children and grandchildren dearly but doesn't know how to express it in positive ways. And he has no self-awareness at all.
We have painstakingly put some boundaries in place so he doesn't confront me directly. And my husband has been long used to letting his father's negativity wash over him so it doesn't bother him much. My FIL means no harm but he makes these snide remarks all day, about whatever he disapproves of (her watching TV, taking too long to eat, not eating the right things or at the right time, me not disciplining her... did I mention TV?). He also compares her to others, tries to control little things, irritates her by laughing at or teasing her, and puts her down often. She has learned to tune out some of it but it does bother her. I try to help by empathising with her out of his hearing. When we can't move away immediately, we exchange discreet winks so that she knows I understand. That has helped a lot. I also stand up for her as much as I can but my relationship with him is already very fragile and I need to be careful (We are committed to living with him. As peacefully as possible).
I'm also wondering about the 'setting the clock back' analogy in deschooling. When someone is always going on about how she's been watching TV for so long and how its not good for her and how she should be switching it off and doing something productive, wouldn't it have some negative impact? How can I help? Would be grateful for any advice/suggestions.
Santhy
My father-in-law lives with us and he thinks we have gone absolutely nuts (We live in India, where even homeschooling is mostly unheard of. I am extremely fortunate that my husband is completely on board with me). The communication between him and us is at a bare minimum so all he knows is that we have got her out of school and plan to homeschool her (which is appalling enough). We have no idea how to explain unschooling to him, let alone radical unschooling. My husband has made a few tentative efforts, in vain. Even on the conventional parenting spectrum, my FIL would figure on the far end of critical and controlling, even of his grown children, so there is no way this would even begin to make sense to him. He loves his children and grandchildren dearly but doesn't know how to express it in positive ways. And he has no self-awareness at all.
We have painstakingly put some boundaries in place so he doesn't confront me directly. And my husband has been long used to letting his father's negativity wash over him so it doesn't bother him much. My FIL means no harm but he makes these snide remarks all day, about whatever he disapproves of (her watching TV, taking too long to eat, not eating the right things or at the right time, me not disciplining her... did I mention TV?). He also compares her to others, tries to control little things, irritates her by laughing at or teasing her, and puts her down often. She has learned to tune out some of it but it does bother her. I try to help by empathising with her out of his hearing. When we can't move away immediately, we exchange discreet winks so that she knows I understand. That has helped a lot. I also stand up for her as much as I can but my relationship with him is already very fragile and I need to be careful (We are committed to living with him. As peacefully as possible).
I'm also wondering about the 'setting the clock back' analogy in deschooling. When someone is always going on about how she's been watching TV for so long and how its not good for her and how she should be switching it off and doing something productive, wouldn't it have some negative impact? How can I help? Would be grateful for any advice/suggestions.
Santhy
Debra Rossing
>I'm also wondering about the 'setting the clock back' analogy in deschooling. When someone is always going on about how she's been watching TV for so long and how its not good for her and how she should be switching it off and doing something productive, wouldn't it have some negative impact? How can I help? Would be grateful for any advice/suggestionsThat she knows that "you've got her back" on it goes a long way toward helping mitigate the impact. It will definitely impact her relationship with him, though. Are there things he loves to do that she might be able to participate in with him? As you noted, he loves his grandchildren and wants the best for them. If there are ways that he can contribute positively (are there maybe family traditions that are important to everyone in the household that he can explain/assist your daughter with, for example?) that could help. Tune in to the things that make him special and wonderful and draw his focus to how he can share those things with his granddaughter.
Deb R
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mitrisue
<<I'm also wondering about the 'setting the clock back' analogy in deschooling. When someone is always going on about how she's been watching TV for so long and how its not good for her and how she should be switching it off and doing something productive, wouldn't it have some negative impact? How can I help? Would be grateful for any advice/suggestions>>
We're living with in-laws right now. A few times, when Dmitri asked about his grandparents' view of things, we've talked about how they're allowed to believe what feels right for them, and we're allowed to believe what feels right for us. And then we talk about what beliefs they're demonstrating, what he believes, what his dad and I believe, and how those beliefs can change.
Those conversations have been mainly related to health/safety things. One example is that they introduced the notion of feeling sick after having eaten too much (and being careful not to eat too much), which has never happened to him. There was a bit of impact from this. For a couple of days he talked about not eating too much, but it wore off quickly. I think if kids have a fairly firm foundation of trusting themselves, other people's opinions won't penetrate too deeply.
Julie
We're living with in-laws right now. A few times, when Dmitri asked about his grandparents' view of things, we've talked about how they're allowed to believe what feels right for them, and we're allowed to believe what feels right for us. And then we talk about what beliefs they're demonstrating, what he believes, what his dad and I believe, and how those beliefs can change.
Those conversations have been mainly related to health/safety things. One example is that they introduced the notion of feeling sick after having eaten too much (and being careful not to eat too much), which has never happened to him. There was a bit of impact from this. For a couple of days he talked about not eating too much, but it wore off quickly. I think if kids have a fairly firm foundation of trusting themselves, other people's opinions won't penetrate too deeply.
Julie
[email protected]
How fast can FIL be moved out?
Nance
Nance
--- In [email protected], "Santhy" <suprisha@...> wrote:
>
> We have two girls, 5.5 and 1.5 years old. We discovered unschooling a few months back and got our older one out of her much-hated school (thank you, all you amazingly wise and generous unschooling writers). She loves watching movies and cartoons on TV, so that is what she does most of the time. I was not comfortable with it initially but have reached a point where I can relax and facilitate her interest. I also see how she is gradually beginning to do other things while watching.
>
> My father-in-law lives with us and he thinks we have gone absolutely nuts (We live in India, where even homeschooling is mostly unheard of. I am extremely fortunate that my husband is completely on board with me). The communication between him and us is at a bare minimum so all he knows is that we have got her out of school and plan to homeschool her (which is appalling enough). We have no idea how to explain unschooling to him, let alone radical unschooling. My husband has made a few tentative efforts, in vain. Even on the conventional parenting spectrum, my FIL would figure on the far end of critical and controlling, even of his grown children, so there is no way this would even begin to make sense to him. He loves his children and grandchildren dearly but doesn't know how to express it in positive ways. And he has no self-awareness at all.
>
> We have painstakingly put some boundaries in place so he doesn't confront me directly. And my husband has been long used to letting his father's negativity wash over him so it doesn't bother him much. My FIL means no harm but he makes these snide remarks all day, about whatever he disapproves of (her watching TV, taking too long to eat, not eating the right things or at the right time, me not disciplining her... did I mention TV?). He also compares her to others, tries to control little things, irritates her by laughing at or teasing her, and puts her down often. She has learned to tune out some of it but it does bother her. I try to help by empathising with her out of his hearing. When we can't move away immediately, we exchange discreet winks so that she knows I understand. That has helped a lot. I also stand up for her as much as I can but my relationship with him is already very fragile and I need to be careful (We are committed to living with him. As peacefully as possible).
>
> I'm also wondering about the 'setting the clock back' analogy in deschooling. When someone is always going on about how she's been watching TV for so long and how its not good for her and how she should be switching it off and doing something productive, wouldn't it have some negative impact? How can I help? Would be grateful for any advice/suggestions.
>
> Santhy
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 17, 2011, at 10:08 AM, Debra Rossing wrote:
She's weighing what he says against what she is coming to understand
of the world. And he's losing credibility in her eyes.
I think where other people's words about "weird unschooling choices"
can have an impact is when mom is still thinking some conventional
parenting and schooling ideas might be right. If mom is projecting
worry in general or to what's being said, the child is going to worry
too. The child will feel the mom is doing nothing to fix what people
are worrying about because Mom doesn't know what to do.
Moms don't need to know what to do so much as be confident of the
process. Being confident you have the ability to figure out an answer
is a much better skill for problem solving for kids to see than just
(seemingly) magically knowing all the right answers.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> That she knows that "you've got her back" on it goes a long wayIt helps to realize kids don't absorb everything adults say as Truth.
> toward helping mitigate the impact.
She's weighing what he says against what she is coming to understand
of the world. And he's losing credibility in her eyes.
I think where other people's words about "weird unschooling choices"
can have an impact is when mom is still thinking some conventional
parenting and schooling ideas might be right. If mom is projecting
worry in general or to what's being said, the child is going to worry
too. The child will feel the mom is doing nothing to fix what people
are worrying about because Mom doesn't know what to do.
Moms don't need to know what to do so much as be confident of the
process. Being confident you have the ability to figure out an answer
is a much better skill for problem solving for kids to see than just
(seemingly) magically knowing all the right answers.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vickisue Gray
My heart goes out to you Santhy.
Our family's story went slightly different in that it was the MIL who moved in after having a stroke that pushed us into unschooling. Not because she was advocating it, but she was a serious road block to homeschooling so in looking for another way to be able to handle her while educating my son, I learned of unschooling which allowed us the freedom not to need to drink her hateraid.
My son had to learn at an early age to just avoid her. Both my spouse and I wished it different, but some people aren't willing to change nor be nice to their grandchildren.
You state there are boundaries in place to 'protect' you from him. Sounds to me, as if some boundaries should be set to keep him and his attitude away from your daughter. I cringe at the things you write he is already saying to your child. My older sister grew up hearing stuff like this when she was small and it didn't play out well in her life as she grew. I admit to be tainted on that issue and I'm totally against anyone speaking to children in such a way.
Hopefully someone will be able to help you find a peaceful path in dealing with this man.
Good luck!
Vicki
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Our family's story went slightly different in that it was the MIL who moved in after having a stroke that pushed us into unschooling. Not because she was advocating it, but she was a serious road block to homeschooling so in looking for another way to be able to handle her while educating my son, I learned of unschooling which allowed us the freedom not to need to drink her hateraid.
My son had to learn at an early age to just avoid her. Both my spouse and I wished it different, but some people aren't willing to change nor be nice to their grandchildren.
You state there are boundaries in place to 'protect' you from him. Sounds to me, as if some boundaries should be set to keep him and his attitude away from your daughter. I cringe at the things you write he is already saying to your child. My older sister grew up hearing stuff like this when she was small and it didn't play out well in her life as she grew. I admit to be tainted on that issue and I'm totally against anyone speaking to children in such a way.
Hopefully someone will be able to help you find a peaceful path in dealing with this man.
Good luck!
Vicki
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"Santhy" <suprisha@...> wrote:
To some extent, those kinds of messages are a part of the real world - heck, in the US they have "public service announcements" about the evils of tv and benefits of switching it off to "go play"! Your father in law is a part of your daughter's real world. So learning to put up with his attitudes is part of her life - life has real limits, and sometimes People are real limits in life.
It's great that you're supportive of her and not letting him actually limit her tv watching - and you said the way she watches is gradually changing. That's a good sign that she's relaxing in that area. It may be a slower process to her, as she's living with someone who is critical. My stepson, Ray, sometimes spends time with his bio mom who is very critical and controlling and it certainly affects him, but he knows he has more options than compliance or outright rebellion, and that's significant.
---Meredith
>> I'm also wondering about the 'setting the clock back' analogy in deschooling. When someone is always going on about how she's been watching TV for so long and how its not good for her and how she should be switching it off and doing something productive, wouldn't it have some negative impact?****************
To some extent, those kinds of messages are a part of the real world - heck, in the US they have "public service announcements" about the evils of tv and benefits of switching it off to "go play"! Your father in law is a part of your daughter's real world. So learning to put up with his attitudes is part of her life - life has real limits, and sometimes People are real limits in life.
It's great that you're supportive of her and not letting him actually limit her tv watching - and you said the way she watches is gradually changing. That's a good sign that she's relaxing in that area. It may be a slower process to her, as she's living with someone who is critical. My stepson, Ray, sometimes spends time with his bio mom who is very critical and controlling and it certainly affects him, but he knows he has more options than compliance or outright rebellion, and that's significant.
---Meredith
suprisha
Thank you for all your responses. I am so grateful for the online unschooling community that I have access to. All our parenting decisions seem to be drawing flak from everyone these days and this is the only place where I feel normal.
Santhy
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Santhy
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