How do you handle unwanted behaviors
Carolyn
I have a 16 month old and 37 month old. I was wondering how you guys would handle these unwanted behaviors: hitting (both), biting (16 month old) spitting on the floor in the house (37 month old). Thanks for any advice.
Carolyn
Sent from my iPod
Carolyn
Sent from my iPod
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 8, 2011, at 9:39 PM, Carolyn wrote:
situation:
-- Be more present.
Be aware of the atmosphere shifting and change things. Bring food.
Draw one away to do something with you. Change the activity. Go
outside. Come inside.
-- Don't try to change the kids. Change the environment.
Don't turn the kids into the problem that needs fixed. Focus on what's
led up to the behavior and work at ways to prevent that. The more you
can prevent, the easier it is to have energy and patience for the ones
you didn't see coming.
-- Action is communication.
They're hitting and biting to solve some problem. Stopping the hitting
and biting doesn't make the problem go away.
-- They have few skills to problem solve with and little power in the
world.
They need help. They need to see kind, respectful, safe ways of
solving problems many many many times before they'll be able to begin
playing with those kinds of ideas.
They don't yet have the power to manipulate their world to the extent
they need. Be their power.
Focus on lots of different things and places he can spit. Facilitate
the spitting. When he spits on the floor, "Hey, let's get you some
water so you can spit off the porch. (Or in the tub. Or in the toilet.
Or at some targets on a floor that's easy to clean up.
-- Humor helps!
Unless someone's hurt, keep it light. :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> hitting (both), biting (16 month old)A few, interconnected mental shifts that will help just about any
situation:
-- Be more present.
Be aware of the atmosphere shifting and change things. Bring food.
Draw one away to do something with you. Change the activity. Go
outside. Come inside.
-- Don't try to change the kids. Change the environment.
Don't turn the kids into the problem that needs fixed. Focus on what's
led up to the behavior and work at ways to prevent that. The more you
can prevent, the easier it is to have energy and patience for the ones
you didn't see coming.
-- Action is communication.
They're hitting and biting to solve some problem. Stopping the hitting
and biting doesn't make the problem go away.
-- They have few skills to problem solve with and little power in the
world.
They need help. They need to see kind, respectful, safe ways of
solving problems many many many times before they'll be able to begin
playing with those kinds of ideas.
They don't yet have the power to manipulate their world to the extent
they need. Be their power.
> spitting on the floor in the house (37 month old).-- Focus on what they can do instead of what they can't do.
Focus on lots of different things and places he can spit. Facilitate
the spitting. When he spits on the floor, "Hey, let's get you some
water so you can spit off the porch. (Or in the tub. Or in the toilet.
Or at some targets on a floor that's easy to clean up.
-- Humor helps!
Unless someone's hurt, keep it light. :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Carolyn <ch1qui74@...> wrote:
First of all, "say yes more" doesn't mean "never say no under any circumstances" - especially if ignoring a behavior harms or inconveniences someone else. I wouldn't fuss too much if the kids are hitting You, for instance (although do block them), but prevent them from hitting and biting each other.
The best way to prevent those kinds of behaviors is by being right there, on the spot. It's better to be proactive and prevent kids from melting down to the point of lashing out, but this is really very common behavior for these ages, too, and some will be experimental - what happens when I do this? With kids these ages, don't expect to "get things done" for awhile! If the problem is that they're having trouble working things out, help them do that - give them better tools than whacking each other in frustration.
Deflect hitting whenever possible onto something other than a person. If one or both children seem to hit a lot, consider they may need to use the big muscles of their arms and back more and help them find ways to do that - climbing and crawling games are good, non-hitting ways to use those big muscles, but you can also take them outside and have them whack at things safely, or give them things to throw (handkerchiefs are good to throw inside).
Spitting, too - give them Other places to spit, a Yes rather than a No. Give your 3yo specific things to spit - it's really really common for 3yos to go through a stage of Loving to spit, so find him or her ways to do that. It's the tail end of watermelon season in the northern hemisphere, but that's often a good bit of spitting fun. If they like olives, get some with pits, or grapes with seeds. Spit for distance and accuracy. Make targets. Blowing bubbles uses many of the same muscle groups as spitting, so get or make lots of bubble solution.
---Meredith
>******************
> I have a 16 month old and 37 month old. I was wondering how you guys would handle these unwanted behaviors: hitting (both), biting (16 month old) spitting on the floor in the house (37 month old). Thanks for any advice.
First of all, "say yes more" doesn't mean "never say no under any circumstances" - especially if ignoring a behavior harms or inconveniences someone else. I wouldn't fuss too much if the kids are hitting You, for instance (although do block them), but prevent them from hitting and biting each other.
The best way to prevent those kinds of behaviors is by being right there, on the spot. It's better to be proactive and prevent kids from melting down to the point of lashing out, but this is really very common behavior for these ages, too, and some will be experimental - what happens when I do this? With kids these ages, don't expect to "get things done" for awhile! If the problem is that they're having trouble working things out, help them do that - give them better tools than whacking each other in frustration.
Deflect hitting whenever possible onto something other than a person. If one or both children seem to hit a lot, consider they may need to use the big muscles of their arms and back more and help them find ways to do that - climbing and crawling games are good, non-hitting ways to use those big muscles, but you can also take them outside and have them whack at things safely, or give them things to throw (handkerchiefs are good to throw inside).
Spitting, too - give them Other places to spit, a Yes rather than a No. Give your 3yo specific things to spit - it's really really common for 3yos to go through a stage of Loving to spit, so find him or her ways to do that. It's the tail end of watermelon season in the northern hemisphere, but that's often a good bit of spitting fun. If they like olives, get some with pits, or grapes with seeds. Spit for distance and accuracy. Make targets. Blowing bubbles uses many of the same muscle groups as spitting, so get or make lots of bubble solution.
---Meredith
tookute2eat
I like the advice you are getting on here. My youngest is 15 and I didn't raise her in this way, although I wish I did. I am, however, taking "notes", so I'll have the info when my daughter is a mother and I have been sharing these wonderful parenting tips with her;)
What I read ( and not that this helps with two little ones but is interesting) in Barbara Brennan's Hands of Light, is that until a child is 7 years old they are not ready to let anyone, other than their parents, into their space due to the fact that their chakras are not fully developed. When a child is held by their parent, the parent's chakras envelop and protect the energy field of the infant/toddler as there's is not fully developed and all energy can penetrate it. There's more to it than that, but it's an interesting read and has helped me to understand why children hit and fight over objects in their reality that they have become attached to. A small child who has just had an object taken from them and screams bloody murder, is not just acting out in defiance. The child has actually bonded with this object and has an energetic connection with it as he/she is building his/her identity. When you take an object from this child it literally tears the chakra/energy field it's attached to and causes energetic pain to the point the child feels it physically. Don't know if I'm getting the exact "verbage" here, lol, but it's an interesting point. Good to know for those times when we feel we HAVE to take a toy from a child because they aren't sharing (we think they should learn to share before they are ready to let go of an object they are trying to build their chakra up with, first attachment besides the mother) or because we think they have to eat dinner and therefore let that object go meanwhile.
This might be helpful information in those situations;)
Connie
What I read ( and not that this helps with two little ones but is interesting) in Barbara Brennan's Hands of Light, is that until a child is 7 years old they are not ready to let anyone, other than their parents, into their space due to the fact that their chakras are not fully developed. When a child is held by their parent, the parent's chakras envelop and protect the energy field of the infant/toddler as there's is not fully developed and all energy can penetrate it. There's more to it than that, but it's an interesting read and has helped me to understand why children hit and fight over objects in their reality that they have become attached to. A small child who has just had an object taken from them and screams bloody murder, is not just acting out in defiance. The child has actually bonded with this object and has an energetic connection with it as he/she is building his/her identity. When you take an object from this child it literally tears the chakra/energy field it's attached to and causes energetic pain to the point the child feels it physically. Don't know if I'm getting the exact "verbage" here, lol, but it's an interesting point. Good to know for those times when we feel we HAVE to take a toy from a child because they aren't sharing (we think they should learn to share before they are ready to let go of an object they are trying to build their chakra up with, first attachment besides the mother) or because we think they have to eat dinner and therefore let that object go meanwhile.
This might be helpful information in those situations;)
Connie
--- In [email protected], Carolyn <ch1qui74@...> wrote:
>
> I have a 16 month old and 37 month old. I was wondering how you guys would handle these unwanted behaviors: hitting (both), biting (16 month old) spitting on the floor in the house (37 month old). Thanks for any advice.
>
> Carolyn
>
> Sent from my iPod
>
Meredith
"tookute2eat" <tookute2eat@...> wrote:
There's a good bit of "it depends" to that, though. Sometimes, some children don't like to be held. If you want to apply the theory of chakras and personal energy to that phenomenon, it seems that sometimes a parent's energy is "too much" for the child to deal with and that child will do better when put down. Whether it's a matter of chakras and energy fields or not, some children Do calm down significantly faster if they're not in contact with another person. So better than setting up a kind of rule: children need to be held by parents to protect their chakras, it can be better to observe when your child wants to be held and respond to those cues. Give your child the chance to communicate his or her energetic needs.
Maybe. But it's just as good to consider that a young child has no other means of communication - either in terms of understanding Why the other person took the thing away or expressing his or her feelings on the subject.
It's good to reconsider "have tos" in general. It's also good to give the idea of "sharing" a hard look. Much of the time, from the perspective of a young child, "sharing" means "I get to take something away from you." With a minimal ability to communicate, its no wonder children object to that! So, seeing the situation from the viewpoint of the young child, what other options exist? Can you offer to "swap" one object for another? That often works very well with babies and young toddlers (and refutes the theory of energetic bonding with objects at least in infants - they give things up at once, with no evidence of any attachment at all). As children get older, it can help to talk about "taking turns" rather than "sharing" - in large part because the idea is much clearer. Given the chance to "take turns" young children often show their empathetic and altruistic sides, offering a "turn" far sooner than they would agree to "share".
Sometimes taking a toy away *is* a better option in the moment - when two kids have gotten to the mine-mine tug-of-war stage in an argument, for instance it can help to cool things down for awhile, but that's the sort of thing where personality can play a big part, too. It may be better to decide that the child with the stronger feelings will have a turn first, or to offer to do something completely different with one or both children. And the "better option" will change from time to time, too!
One of the basic principles which helps unschooling - and really parenting in general - is to step away from looking for "A" solution and instead build up a set of tools and options for a variety of situations. Kids change! And situations change, too. So it's much better to think in terms of needs and communication which can help you help your kids. For some people, ideas about personal energy may be part of that, too, if they help you understand your child's needs better, but such ideas can be turned into internal rules, too, which prevent parents from doing the most important part of communication: watching and listening to children.
---Meredith
> When a child is held by their parent, the parent's chakras envelop and protect the energy field of the infant/toddler as there's is not fully developed and all energy can penetrate it.****************
There's a good bit of "it depends" to that, though. Sometimes, some children don't like to be held. If you want to apply the theory of chakras and personal energy to that phenomenon, it seems that sometimes a parent's energy is "too much" for the child to deal with and that child will do better when put down. Whether it's a matter of chakras and energy fields or not, some children Do calm down significantly faster if they're not in contact with another person. So better than setting up a kind of rule: children need to be held by parents to protect their chakras, it can be better to observe when your child wants to be held and respond to those cues. Give your child the chance to communicate his or her energetic needs.
>>A small child who has just had an object taken from them and screams bloody murder, is not just acting out in defiance. The child has actually bonded with this object and has an energetic connection with it****************
Maybe. But it's just as good to consider that a young child has no other means of communication - either in terms of understanding Why the other person took the thing away or expressing his or her feelings on the subject.
>>Good to know for those times when we feel we HAVE to take a toy from a child because they aren't sharing*******************
It's good to reconsider "have tos" in general. It's also good to give the idea of "sharing" a hard look. Much of the time, from the perspective of a young child, "sharing" means "I get to take something away from you." With a minimal ability to communicate, its no wonder children object to that! So, seeing the situation from the viewpoint of the young child, what other options exist? Can you offer to "swap" one object for another? That often works very well with babies and young toddlers (and refutes the theory of energetic bonding with objects at least in infants - they give things up at once, with no evidence of any attachment at all). As children get older, it can help to talk about "taking turns" rather than "sharing" - in large part because the idea is much clearer. Given the chance to "take turns" young children often show their empathetic and altruistic sides, offering a "turn" far sooner than they would agree to "share".
Sometimes taking a toy away *is* a better option in the moment - when two kids have gotten to the mine-mine tug-of-war stage in an argument, for instance it can help to cool things down for awhile, but that's the sort of thing where personality can play a big part, too. It may be better to decide that the child with the stronger feelings will have a turn first, or to offer to do something completely different with one or both children. And the "better option" will change from time to time, too!
One of the basic principles which helps unschooling - and really parenting in general - is to step away from looking for "A" solution and instead build up a set of tools and options for a variety of situations. Kids change! And situations change, too. So it's much better to think in terms of needs and communication which can help you help your kids. For some people, ideas about personal energy may be part of that, too, if they help you understand your child's needs better, but such ideas can be turned into internal rules, too, which prevent parents from doing the most important part of communication: watching and listening to children.
---Meredith
Sacha Davis
I love this - thank you Joyce. It's very true since I have two littles,
4.5 and 13 months, and things go so much better when I approach it in the
ways you've suggested.
When my son hits and bites I try to reframe the behavior in itself is
neither good nor bad, it's simply him communicating with me when he's
reached a frustration point where he can't us words anymore. When it's
done, it's over, and we move on. The next incident happens and we get
through it and move on again. I don't see his behavior as cumulative, and
I know that it's very much his frustration, his powerlessness in life, his
disappointment. I can't fix these things, but I can make his world less
frustrating, which I try to do. I can also work through them with him and
as he gets older and more mature he'll be able to handle them better
himself. Right now it's my job to be the person who can take those big
feelings and big moments, and who he feels safe to be mad at. This helps
with my own frustration around some of his behaviors. And while we have
some really hard days, he's four and a half and I'm absolutely loving an
age that that is deemed "hard" by society. I feel that shifting my own
perspective allows me to see my son with empathy instead of building
resentment.
S.
4.5 and 13 months, and things go so much better when I approach it in the
ways you've suggested.
When my son hits and bites I try to reframe the behavior in itself is
neither good nor bad, it's simply him communicating with me when he's
reached a frustration point where he can't us words anymore. When it's
done, it's over, and we move on. The next incident happens and we get
through it and move on again. I don't see his behavior as cumulative, and
I know that it's very much his frustration, his powerlessness in life, his
disappointment. I can't fix these things, but I can make his world less
frustrating, which I try to do. I can also work through them with him and
as he gets older and more mature he'll be able to handle them better
himself. Right now it's my job to be the person who can take those big
feelings and big moments, and who he feels safe to be mad at. This helps
with my own frustration around some of his behaviors. And while we have
some really hard days, he's four and a half and I'm absolutely loving an
age that that is deemed "hard" by society. I feel that shifting my own
perspective allows me to see my son with empathy instead of building
resentment.
S.
>
> On Oct 8, 2011, at 9:39 PM, Carolyn wrote:
>
>> hitting (both), biting (16 month old)
>
> A few, interconnected mental shifts that will help just about any
> situation:
>
> -- Be more present.
>
> Be aware of the atmosphere shifting and change things. Bring food.
> Draw one away to do something with you. Change the activity. Go
> outside. Come inside.
>
> -- Don't try to change the kids. Change the environment.
>
> Don't turn the kids into the problem that needs fixed. Focus on what's
> led up to the behavior and work at ways to prevent that. The more you
> can prevent, the easier it is to have energy and patience for the ones
> you didn't see coming.
>
> -- Action is communication.
>
> They're hitting and biting to solve some problem. Stopping the hitting
> and biting doesn't make the problem go away.
>
> -- They have few skills to problem solve with and little power in the
> world.
>
> They need help. They need to see kind, respectful, safe ways of
> solving problems many many many times before they'll be able to begin
> playing with those kinds of ideas.
>
> They don't yet have the power to manipulate their world to the extent
> they need. Be their power.
>
>> spitting on the floor in the house (37 month old).
>
>
> -- Focus on what they can do instead of what they can't do.
>
> Focus on lots of different things and places he can spit. Facilitate
> the spitting. When he spits on the floor, "Hey, let's get you some
> water so you can spit off the porch. (Or in the tub. Or in the toilet.
> Or at some targets on a floor that's easy to clean up.
>
> -- Humor helps!
>
> Unless someone's hurt, keep it light. :-)
>
> Joyce
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> On Oct 8, 2011, at 9:39 PM, Carolyn wrote:
>
>> hitting (both), biting (16 month old)
>
> A few, interconnected mental shifts that will help just about any
> situation:
>
> -- Be more present.
>
> Be aware of the atmosphere shifting and change things. Bring food.
> Draw one away to do something with you. Change the activity. Go
> outside. Come inside.
>
> -- Don't try to change the kids. Change the environment.
>
> Don't turn the kids into the problem that needs fixed. Focus on what's
> led up to the behavior and work at ways to prevent that. The more you
> can prevent, the easier it is to have energy and patience for the ones
> you didn't see coming.
>
> -- Action is communication.
>
> They're hitting and biting to solve some problem. Stopping the hitting
> and biting doesn't make the problem go away.
>
> -- They have few skills to problem solve with and little power in the
> world.
>
> They need help. They need to see kind, respectful, safe ways of
> solving problems many many many times before they'll be able to begin
> playing with those kinds of ideas.
>
> They don't yet have the power to manipulate their world to the extent
> they need. Be their power.
>
>> spitting on the floor in the house (37 month old).
>
>
> -- Focus on what they can do instead of what they can't do.
>
> Focus on lots of different things and places he can spit. Facilitate
> the spitting. When he spits on the floor, "Hey, let's get you some
> water so you can spit off the porch. (Or in the tub. Or in the toilet.
> Or at some targets on a floor that's easy to clean up.
>
> -- Humor helps!
>
> Unless someone's hurt, keep it light. :-)
>
> Joyce
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
Bun
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
If you think he may need or want to spit, maybe you could give him a washcloth or "spit bowl" (or cup or whatever) and tell him what it is for. Maybe he'd like the idea of using something like that.
Laurie
>Blowing bubbles uses many of the same muscle groups as spitting, so get or make lots of bubble solution.Another idea for using those muscles....It is the season for dandelions ...and my almost three yr old Loves to blow them!
>
If you think he may need or want to spit, maybe you could give him a washcloth or "spit bowl" (or cup or whatever) and tell him what it is for. Maybe he'd like the idea of using something like that.
Laurie