family gatherings
Veronica Deleon-sutter
Get-togethers are tough sometimes. It was hard to listen to the itinerary of
fabulous events my sister-in-law is planning this summer(we are of a very
limited income) and then in the same afternoon hear the proud telling of how
she wants to force her son to take certain classes he isn't even interested in.
The re-enactment of how she got in his face to emphasize a point to him about
obeying his teachers, was the worst. My brother and sister-in-law are very proud
of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
shut.
The thing is we barely recognize them anymore. Who are these 2 people we love
who we thought we knew? I guess it's us who have changed.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
fabulous events my sister-in-law is planning this summer(we are of a very
limited income) and then in the same afternoon hear the proud telling of how
she wants to force her son to take certain classes he isn't even interested in.
The re-enactment of how she got in his face to emphasize a point to him about
obeying his teachers, was the worst. My brother and sister-in-law are very proud
of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
shut.
The thing is we barely recognize them anymore. Who are these 2 people we love
who we thought we knew? I guess it's us who have changed.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Or everybody changed. People change when they have children. And money issues can put up another barrier. Just because you are related that doesn't mean you have to enjoy each others' company or even try. Maybe in a few years when everyone grows up and see that most of the kids turned out OK and you can all relax.
Nance
Nance
--- In [email protected], Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@...> wrote:
>
> Get-togethers are tough sometimes. It was hard to listen to the itinerary of
> fabulous events my sister-in-law is planning this summer(we are of a very
> limited income) and then in the same afternoon hear the proud telling of how
> she wants to force her son to take certain classes he isn't even interested in.
> The re-enactment of how she got in his face to emphasize a point to him about
> obeying his teachers, was the worst. My brother and sister-in-law are very proud
> of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
> family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
> shut.
>
> The thing is we barely recognize them anymore. Who are these 2 people we love
> who we thought we knew? I guess it's us who have changed.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
plaidpanties666
Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@...> wrote:
---Meredith
>My brother and sister-in-law are very proudIt's not a terrible thing to let family ties slip loose - it can be very freeing! Easy-going, casual contact over the internet can be enough to maintain some kind of connection. You don't Need to keep a connection, though. Family isn't the be-all, end-all of love and support, sometimes family gets in your way and weighs you down. It may be better to put your time and love into building up friendships with people who feed your spirit, rather than clinging to an ideal of "family" that doesn't exist in your life, anyway.
> of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
> family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
> shut.
---Meredith
Alix deBohun
Agreed! We moved 3k miles away and I have a blog to keep the grandparents full
of pictures and antics. I have surrounded myself with chosen family and am
happier than I have ever been!
Czarena
________________________________
From: plaidpanties666 <plaidpanties666@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 3:58:38 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: family gatherings
Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@...> wrote:
freeing! Easy-going, casual contact over the internet can be enough to maintain
some kind of connection. You don't Need to keep a connection, though. Family
isn't the be-all, end-all of love and support, sometimes family gets in your way
and weighs you down. It may be better to put your time and love into building up
friendships with people who feed your spirit, rather than clinging to an ideal
of "family" that doesn't exist in your life, anyway.
---Meredith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
of pictures and antics. I have surrounded myself with chosen family and am
happier than I have ever been!
Czarena
________________________________
From: plaidpanties666 <plaidpanties666@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 3:58:38 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: family gatherings
Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@...> wrote:
>My brother and sister-in-law are very proudIt's not a terrible thing to let family ties slip loose - it can be very
> of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
> family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
> shut.
freeing! Easy-going, casual contact over the internet can be enough to maintain
some kind of connection. You don't Need to keep a connection, though. Family
isn't the be-all, end-all of love and support, sometimes family gets in your way
and weighs you down. It may be better to put your time and love into building up
friendships with people who feed your spirit, rather than clinging to an ideal
of "family" that doesn't exist in your life, anyway.
---Meredith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
melissa maranda
Sweet Meredith, once again you have spoken directly to my soul even though this response was not intended for me. We all are connected by our similar circumstances and I needed to hear that it's ok to let go of my judgemental family and stop trying in vain to defend myself. Thank you to infinity. What a relief.
~melissa in Iowa
Melissa Maranda, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Substance Abuse Specialist
Basic NLP Certified
Unschooling Mama
To: [email protected]
From: plaidpanties666@...
Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:58:38 +0000
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: family gatherings
Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@...> wrote:
---Meredith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
~melissa in Iowa
Melissa Maranda, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Substance Abuse Specialist
Basic NLP Certified
Unschooling Mama
To: [email protected]
From: plaidpanties666@...
Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:58:38 +0000
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: family gatherings
Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@...> wrote:
>My brother and sister-in-law are very proudIt's not a terrible thing to let family ties slip loose - it can be very freeing! Easy-going, casual contact over the internet can be enough to maintain some kind of connection. You don't Need to keep a connection, though. Family isn't the be-all, end-all of love and support, sometimes family gets in your way and weighs you down. It may be better to put your time and love into building up friendships with people who feed your spirit, rather than clinging to an ideal of "family" that doesn't exist in your life, anyway.
> of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
> family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
> shut.
---Meredith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sarahrandom78
I was just thinking the same thing!!! Sometimes I get so down thinking "here we go again!" I hate feeling like I HAVE to defend myself against my family. Weren't they always the ones that said when I grew up I could do things my way?? I guess they don't understand that I'm a "grown up" now. I pulled that very line out when my parents came to visit this year. My dad was saying something about us having 3 cats "Who needs so many cats anyway?" I said "Hey dad, remember when I was little and was always bringing home strays, and you said, when I grew up I could have as many pets as I wanted? Well I'm a grown up and I want 3 cats" We actually both ended up getting a laugh out of it. Seriously though, I do get sick of them telling me what I need. "You NEED time to yourself. THEY need to be in school." It's crazy!! Anyway, I'm not going to go off on a tangent, just wanted to chime in, that it was nice to hear someone else say that sometimes friends can be BETTER family!
Sarah
Semi-Unschooler
Sarah
Semi-Unschooler
--- In [email protected], melissa maranda <love.gratitude@...> wrote:
>
>
> Sweet Meredith, once again you have spoken directly to my soul even though this response was not intended for me. We all are connected by our similar circumstances and I needed to hear that it's ok to let go of my judgemental family and stop trying in vain to defend myself. Thank you to infinity. What a relief.
> ~melissa in Iowa
>
> Melissa Maranda, MA
> Marriage & Family Therapist
> Substance Abuse Specialist
> Basic NLP Certified
> Unschooling Mama
>
>
>
>
>
> To: [email protected]
> From: plaidpanties666@...
> Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:58:38 +0000
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: family gatherings
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@> wrote:
> >My brother and sister-in-law are very proud
> > of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
> > family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
> > shut.
>
> It's not a terrible thing to let family ties slip loose - it can be very freeing! Easy-going, casual contact over the internet can be enough to maintain some kind of connection. You don't Need to keep a connection, though. Family isn't the be-all, end-all of love and support, sometimes family gets in your way and weighs you down. It may be better to put your time and love into building up friendships with people who feed your spirit, rather than clinging to an ideal of "family" that doesn't exist in your life, anyway.
>
> ---Meredith
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[email protected]
And/or at least allow us to complete growing up and let go of the idea that we need our parents' approval all the time.
Or that we have to explain ourselves. Or justify our choices.
Transitioning to being the grownup is hard on everyone involved. :)
Nance
Or that we have to explain ourselves. Or justify our choices.
Transitioning to being the grownup is hard on everyone involved. :)
Nance
--- In [email protected], "sarahrandom78" <bdb1978@...> wrote:
>
> I was just thinking the same thing!!! Sometimes I get so down thinking "here we go again!" I hate feeling like I HAVE to defend myself against my family. Weren't they always the ones that said when I grew up I could do things my way?? I guess they don't understand that I'm a "grown up" now. I pulled that very line out when my parents came to visit this year. My dad was saying something about us having 3 cats "Who needs so many cats anyway?" I said "Hey dad, remember when I was little and was always bringing home strays, and you said, when I grew up I could have as many pets as I wanted? Well I'm a grown up and I want 3 cats" We actually both ended up getting a laugh out of it. Seriously though, I do get sick of them telling me what I need. "You NEED time to yourself. THEY need to be in school." It's crazy!! Anyway, I'm not going to go off on a tangent, just wanted to chime in, that it was nice to hear someone else say that sometimes friends can be BETTER family!
>
> Sarah
> Semi-Unschooler
>
> --- In [email protected], melissa maranda <love.gratitude@> wrote:
> >
> >
> > Sweet Meredith, once again you have spoken directly to my soul even though this response was not intended for me. We all are connected by our similar circumstances and I needed to hear that it's ok to let go of my judgemental family and stop trying in vain to defend myself. Thank you to infinity. What a relief.
> > ~melissa in Iowa
> >
> > Melissa Maranda, MA
> > Marriage & Family Therapist
> > Substance Abuse Specialist
> > Basic NLP Certified
> > Unschooling Mama
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > To: [email protected]
> > From: plaidpanties666@
> > Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:58:38 +0000
> > Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: family gatherings
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Veronica Deleon-sutter <vdeleonsutter@> wrote:
> > >My brother and sister-in-law are very proud
> > > of their traditional parenting and are supported in this by the rest of the
> > > family; it makes for a lonely afternoon, we have learned to keep our mouths
> > > shut.
> >
> > It's not a terrible thing to let family ties slip loose - it can be very freeing! Easy-going, casual contact over the internet can be enough to maintain some kind of connection. You don't Need to keep a connection, though. Family isn't the be-all, end-all of love and support, sometimes family gets in your way and weighs you down. It may be better to put your time and love into building up friendships with people who feed your spirit, rather than clinging to an ideal of "family" that doesn't exist in your life, anyway.
> >
> > ---Meredith
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>
Karen Swanay
"Family isn't about what blood you have. It's about who you love." -- From
South Park
I think it may be helpful to mention that just because someone says
something to you, or asks you a question, you are not bound to respond.
It's a curiosity to me that people feel compelled to answer or respond to
remarks all the time. Maybe it is an acculturation issue, I don't know, but
it's clear we are uncomfortable with silence.
Consider the following:
"You should take time for yourself!" -- when offered by a mother to her
daughter (grown with kids)
"Why do you have 4 dogs?!" -- offered by a father to a grown child
"Your son needs to go to school. Our son gets all A's in school." --
offered by a SIL
*******************************
In each case, you can easily hear a defensive statement offered. Trying to
justify your life, your choices etc...try to educate, inform, enlighten.
Many of us have been there and done that. Over and over. The fact is that
it almost never works. There is a subtle, (sometimes less than subtle)
attempt to bully the listener into acting, thinking, or doing that which the
speaker is addressing. Because of this, there isn't really any amount of
"education" that will work to bring an end to the inquisition. You only
waste your breath and in many cases appear to weaken your position by
offering explanations and placating gestures.
Try saying nothing. Just stare at the person. You don't have to be unkind
about it. But just be clear you are paying attention. If they question you
more, be attentive more. Most Americans are very uncomfortable with
silence. And it helps to bring about startling change if used consistently.
The other thing to think about is WHY are they asking? WHY do they pressure
you? Is it out of love for the child or is it something less noble? After
all, if you espouse the virtues of an unschooling life as being as good as
or better than conventional parenting/compulsory schooling then are you not
saying by default that those who DO what you have rejected are not parenting
in the loving way you are? You may be doing this or you may not have had
the thought, but it's all about perception...if your SIL perceives you are
saying "I love my children more than you love your children as evidenced
by..." she will be angry and defensive. She may call CPS or she may throw
her energy into "converting" you back to doing what she does so she doesn't
have to change her worldview.
Another reason people ask things or say things, especially like the
statement above from the mother about "time"...it's because (or may be) she
had wished she had time to herself, or she may have been a mother who did
take time, and so like the SIL, even if she's not coming out and saying it,
may be pressuring you to fit the paradigm she used because anything else
will shine a light on those things she may have done "wrong".
So instead of trying to defend yourself, or explain yourself...just "be".
In the first example, a very simple, "Thanks Mom, I'll consider what you
said." Notice there is no weight given the suggestion. But there is
acknowledgement of her offer of "helpful advice" and that should end
things. If she presses in future, "Well are you?!" "I am considering what
you said. Thanks Mom." Can be very effective.
In #2 Just silence.
In #3 I would also use silence. (However, I tolerate NO interference from
my siblings or their mates in my life. So were I pressed I'd tell the SIL
to drop it in no uncertain terms. But that's me. Might not work for you.)
All of this to say, I guess, that it's sometimes helpful to remember that
just because someone fills the silence with noise...doesn't mean you have to
respond in any way. You don't HAVE TO do anything. Even if they are
family. Too many people are bullied by their family system process and it
just doesn't have to be that way. You have changed one thing about your
life, (the way you parent your children) why not create change in other
relationships? If you attempt to make change happen and it's not working
out, there isn't anything wrong with putting distance between yourself and
that system.
You only get one shot at this life -- don't let it be filled with toxic
stuff just because it's coming from "family".
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
South Park
I think it may be helpful to mention that just because someone says
something to you, or asks you a question, you are not bound to respond.
It's a curiosity to me that people feel compelled to answer or respond to
remarks all the time. Maybe it is an acculturation issue, I don't know, but
it's clear we are uncomfortable with silence.
Consider the following:
"You should take time for yourself!" -- when offered by a mother to her
daughter (grown with kids)
"Why do you have 4 dogs?!" -- offered by a father to a grown child
"Your son needs to go to school. Our son gets all A's in school." --
offered by a SIL
*******************************
In each case, you can easily hear a defensive statement offered. Trying to
justify your life, your choices etc...try to educate, inform, enlighten.
Many of us have been there and done that. Over and over. The fact is that
it almost never works. There is a subtle, (sometimes less than subtle)
attempt to bully the listener into acting, thinking, or doing that which the
speaker is addressing. Because of this, there isn't really any amount of
"education" that will work to bring an end to the inquisition. You only
waste your breath and in many cases appear to weaken your position by
offering explanations and placating gestures.
Try saying nothing. Just stare at the person. You don't have to be unkind
about it. But just be clear you are paying attention. If they question you
more, be attentive more. Most Americans are very uncomfortable with
silence. And it helps to bring about startling change if used consistently.
The other thing to think about is WHY are they asking? WHY do they pressure
you? Is it out of love for the child or is it something less noble? After
all, if you espouse the virtues of an unschooling life as being as good as
or better than conventional parenting/compulsory schooling then are you not
saying by default that those who DO what you have rejected are not parenting
in the loving way you are? You may be doing this or you may not have had
the thought, but it's all about perception...if your SIL perceives you are
saying "I love my children more than you love your children as evidenced
by..." she will be angry and defensive. She may call CPS or she may throw
her energy into "converting" you back to doing what she does so she doesn't
have to change her worldview.
Another reason people ask things or say things, especially like the
statement above from the mother about "time"...it's because (or may be) she
had wished she had time to herself, or she may have been a mother who did
take time, and so like the SIL, even if she's not coming out and saying it,
may be pressuring you to fit the paradigm she used because anything else
will shine a light on those things she may have done "wrong".
So instead of trying to defend yourself, or explain yourself...just "be".
In the first example, a very simple, "Thanks Mom, I'll consider what you
said." Notice there is no weight given the suggestion. But there is
acknowledgement of her offer of "helpful advice" and that should end
things. If she presses in future, "Well are you?!" "I am considering what
you said. Thanks Mom." Can be very effective.
In #2 Just silence.
In #3 I would also use silence. (However, I tolerate NO interference from
my siblings or their mates in my life. So were I pressed I'd tell the SIL
to drop it in no uncertain terms. But that's me. Might not work for you.)
All of this to say, I guess, that it's sometimes helpful to remember that
just because someone fills the silence with noise...doesn't mean you have to
respond in any way. You don't HAVE TO do anything. Even if they are
family. Too many people are bullied by their family system process and it
just doesn't have to be that way. You have changed one thing about your
life, (the way you parent your children) why not create change in other
relationships? If you attempt to make change happen and it's not working
out, there isn't anything wrong with putting distance between yourself and
that system.
You only get one shot at this life -- don't let it be filled with toxic
stuff just because it's coming from "family".
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jessica Turner
Karen,
Thank you for this email! I'm yet another mom that is bullied by family. I feel like I'm always either explaining our decisions or on the defensive with my family. I'm still seeking approval from my mom, too. I'll never get it. I need to give up!
Jessica
Thank you for this email! I'm yet another mom that is bullied by family. I feel like I'm always either explaining our decisions or on the defensive with my family. I'm still seeking approval from my mom, too. I'll never get it. I need to give up!
Jessica
On Jun 22, 2011, at 7:32 AM, Karen Swanay <luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
> "Family isn't about what blood you have. It's about who you love." -- From
> South Park
JJ
And helping moms feel better about old family is unschool-helpful if and when it makes moms do better as new family, to not bully our own children and put them on the defensive and make them want to give US up, in the first place.
>
> Thank you for this email! I'm yet another mom that is bullied by family. I feel like I'm always either explaining our decisions or on the defensive with my family. I'm still seeking approval from my mom, too. I'll never get it. I need to give up!