Helping a child through disapointment
Tina Tarbutton
Now that I'm done writing I realize this is a VERY long post, so thank
you to anyone who reads it and takes the time to respond.
We had a very full day today, and a reoccurring problem showed up, one
that has been happening for years, but that I never figured out how to
handle, and now that I'm trying to parent more peacefully I'm even
less sure how to handle it.
We spent the morning at the museum of arts and sciences. We have a
family member visiting from out of state and today was her last day
here. Draven did incredible with walking around looking at all of the
art with all of us and honestly seemed to enjoy that part of the
museum for the first time ever (he's 10). We took turns lingering
with him when he wanted to study something more, and the rest of the
group was ready to move on. We also knew that he and my partner and I
would be staying at the museum longer, so for a few exhibits we told
him we'd come back once the extended family went home. He was fine
with that. When it was time for the show in the planetarium the rest
of the family decided to head out, and we went to the show.
After the show we went to the children's area, he had said he wasn't
interested in seeing the 3:00 show at the planetarium (it was a
shorter show meant for younger kids), so we played on the kids side
straight through that show. We all started getting hungry so we
decided to head out, hitting the exhibits he wanted to further study
on the way out. First little hiccup was when he asked when the next
planetarium show was . . . well, we had already missed it, so that
made him a little disappointed, but nothing major, he moved on pretty
quickly that time.
We left the museum and headed towards the mall while discussing what
we wanted for "linner" (lunch/dinner). He said he'd love burger king,
but anything would be fine. I said I'd stop at a BK if I saw one on
the way (none of us are very familiar with that area). Once we got
closer to the mall we realized it was a race day (we were in Daytona)
so traffic was HORRIBLE. We saw a BK, after we had passed the
intersection for it and traffic was completely stopped in the other
direction, so turning around would have taken a REALLY long time. I
asked him if he was okay with finding something at the mall, he
sounded disappointed, but said he understood and it would be fine. I
apologized for not seeing it earlier.
We had planned on going to the lazer light shows back at the museum at
7pm, so we only had about 2 hours to get food, eat, and start on our
way back, but we also didn't want to spend loads of time sitting in
the car with nothing to do, which is why we planned on the mall,
normally a 10 minute drive.
Once we got to the mall there was some confusion with parking stuff
(they were using most of the mall parking lot for race parking,
traffic was totally messed up). By then my partner and I were both
frustrated, and everyone was REALLY hungry and therefore grumpy. We
did have a few snacks in the car which were eaten, but we needed real
food. We ended up finding a pretty good parking spot right outside of
the food court and we headed in.
Once we got in there we asked Draven what he wanted to eat, so he
could pick first. "I know what I want, but it's not here." Okay,
lets see what we can find here. I pointed out the chick fil-a which
is another one of his favorite restaurants and offered to go there
first and he said he didn't want it. We decided that while he thought
about it my partner and I would get our food. We pointed out the
other choices to him and offered to let him sample something if he
wanted to. We ended up ordering our food, and he still didn't want to
get something. He was very grumpy by that point, and snappy. My
partner and I were both getting a little frustrated but tried to
ignore it, understanding he was disappointed. After we started eating
I reminded him that when he doesn't eat he gets a little grumpy and we
still had a full day. At that point he did decide to get chicken and
I took him over there. He cheered up on the way over when he saw a
train going through the mall. I told him we'd see if we could find
out more about it and check into it.
We ate, and everything was good. We started walking through the mall
and as the train passed again I asked the driver where we could get
on, it was all the way at the other end of the mall. He had some
places he wanted to look in, so we kept walking in that direction,
stopping for a moment here or there to look in various stores.
When we got to the center of the mall my partner needed to use the
restroom, so we sat in the little court yard area while she went. He
saw a massage booth where they had the aqua jet massages. We both
thought they looked neat, however I didn't have money on me so we had
to wait for my partner to come back out. Right as she was coming out
the person at the booth put up the "at lunch" sign and walked off. He
got VERY frustrated at that point, walked off ahead of us, very
snappy, just generally pissed. We pointed out stores he had wanted to
visit, no interest, lots of "whatevers" and just generally crappy
mood. At that point my partner got very frustrated because it seems
that any day we plan a day full of cool stuff, something upsets him
and "it's never good enough". She at that point said why don't we
just skip everything else and go straight home. We had already bought
the tickets to the lazer show though, and I knew if we could make it
there, we'd enjoy it. It's only a once a month thing.
My partner went into a store, and I tried to talk to Draven. He
snapped at me really badly and I honestly almost lost my temper, I
felt like I had to make him happier to avoid my partner getting more
upset. I felt like I was failing to help either one of them stay in a
good mood. I was watching our previously fun day turn out VERY badly
and I didn't know how to react. I decided to let my partner know we'd
meet her at the end of the mall where the train was.
As we got near the "train station" the train was just pulling out.
The driver yelled out "sorry this is the last train, and it's full."
Of course, by that point he was PISSED! Nothing was going right for
him. I completely understood him being upset, however he basically
marched through the mall, too fast for our comfort (I don't like
losing sight of him in a place that big). Once we caught up and asked
him to stay closer everyone was in such a bad mood no one talked as we
were driving back to the museum.
We still had a little extra time, and we got out of the bad traffic
area when I saw a park my partner had mentioned earlier. I asked him
if he wanted to go (his response was "whatever") so I pulled in to the
park and let him go play while my partner and I talked. I told her I
understood his frustration, and her frustration with his frustration,
and that I really didn't know the answer but that I would post here
and get advice.
After he ran around at the park he was in a better mood. Parker and I
were both a little calmer because of us talking. We ended up having a
great time at the lazer light shows.
This is a typical pattern for us. If we have something fun planned,
and especially when we have multiple fun things planned, something
tends to go wrong that disappoints Draven. It doesn't matter how much
fun we've had all day, one little thing that isn't perfect seems to
make him forget how much fun we've had the whole day. He doesn't just
get frustrated for a few minutes either, he gets frustrated until
something distracts him, but offering distractions doesn't work either
because he's not interested in any of it. When he's frustrated all of
his communication skills go out the window. He's normally not
intentionally mean (sarcastic yes, but not intentionally hurtful) once
he's frustrated he'll say very hurtful things and flat out say that we
never do anything fun for him.
While I realize that today was a really long day for us and that was
part of the problem, this also happens on short trips.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Tina
you to anyone who reads it and takes the time to respond.
We had a very full day today, and a reoccurring problem showed up, one
that has been happening for years, but that I never figured out how to
handle, and now that I'm trying to parent more peacefully I'm even
less sure how to handle it.
We spent the morning at the museum of arts and sciences. We have a
family member visiting from out of state and today was her last day
here. Draven did incredible with walking around looking at all of the
art with all of us and honestly seemed to enjoy that part of the
museum for the first time ever (he's 10). We took turns lingering
with him when he wanted to study something more, and the rest of the
group was ready to move on. We also knew that he and my partner and I
would be staying at the museum longer, so for a few exhibits we told
him we'd come back once the extended family went home. He was fine
with that. When it was time for the show in the planetarium the rest
of the family decided to head out, and we went to the show.
After the show we went to the children's area, he had said he wasn't
interested in seeing the 3:00 show at the planetarium (it was a
shorter show meant for younger kids), so we played on the kids side
straight through that show. We all started getting hungry so we
decided to head out, hitting the exhibits he wanted to further study
on the way out. First little hiccup was when he asked when the next
planetarium show was . . . well, we had already missed it, so that
made him a little disappointed, but nothing major, he moved on pretty
quickly that time.
We left the museum and headed towards the mall while discussing what
we wanted for "linner" (lunch/dinner). He said he'd love burger king,
but anything would be fine. I said I'd stop at a BK if I saw one on
the way (none of us are very familiar with that area). Once we got
closer to the mall we realized it was a race day (we were in Daytona)
so traffic was HORRIBLE. We saw a BK, after we had passed the
intersection for it and traffic was completely stopped in the other
direction, so turning around would have taken a REALLY long time. I
asked him if he was okay with finding something at the mall, he
sounded disappointed, but said he understood and it would be fine. I
apologized for not seeing it earlier.
We had planned on going to the lazer light shows back at the museum at
7pm, so we only had about 2 hours to get food, eat, and start on our
way back, but we also didn't want to spend loads of time sitting in
the car with nothing to do, which is why we planned on the mall,
normally a 10 minute drive.
Once we got to the mall there was some confusion with parking stuff
(they were using most of the mall parking lot for race parking,
traffic was totally messed up). By then my partner and I were both
frustrated, and everyone was REALLY hungry and therefore grumpy. We
did have a few snacks in the car which were eaten, but we needed real
food. We ended up finding a pretty good parking spot right outside of
the food court and we headed in.
Once we got in there we asked Draven what he wanted to eat, so he
could pick first. "I know what I want, but it's not here." Okay,
lets see what we can find here. I pointed out the chick fil-a which
is another one of his favorite restaurants and offered to go there
first and he said he didn't want it. We decided that while he thought
about it my partner and I would get our food. We pointed out the
other choices to him and offered to let him sample something if he
wanted to. We ended up ordering our food, and he still didn't want to
get something. He was very grumpy by that point, and snappy. My
partner and I were both getting a little frustrated but tried to
ignore it, understanding he was disappointed. After we started eating
I reminded him that when he doesn't eat he gets a little grumpy and we
still had a full day. At that point he did decide to get chicken and
I took him over there. He cheered up on the way over when he saw a
train going through the mall. I told him we'd see if we could find
out more about it and check into it.
We ate, and everything was good. We started walking through the mall
and as the train passed again I asked the driver where we could get
on, it was all the way at the other end of the mall. He had some
places he wanted to look in, so we kept walking in that direction,
stopping for a moment here or there to look in various stores.
When we got to the center of the mall my partner needed to use the
restroom, so we sat in the little court yard area while she went. He
saw a massage booth where they had the aqua jet massages. We both
thought they looked neat, however I didn't have money on me so we had
to wait for my partner to come back out. Right as she was coming out
the person at the booth put up the "at lunch" sign and walked off. He
got VERY frustrated at that point, walked off ahead of us, very
snappy, just generally pissed. We pointed out stores he had wanted to
visit, no interest, lots of "whatevers" and just generally crappy
mood. At that point my partner got very frustrated because it seems
that any day we plan a day full of cool stuff, something upsets him
and "it's never good enough". She at that point said why don't we
just skip everything else and go straight home. We had already bought
the tickets to the lazer show though, and I knew if we could make it
there, we'd enjoy it. It's only a once a month thing.
My partner went into a store, and I tried to talk to Draven. He
snapped at me really badly and I honestly almost lost my temper, I
felt like I had to make him happier to avoid my partner getting more
upset. I felt like I was failing to help either one of them stay in a
good mood. I was watching our previously fun day turn out VERY badly
and I didn't know how to react. I decided to let my partner know we'd
meet her at the end of the mall where the train was.
As we got near the "train station" the train was just pulling out.
The driver yelled out "sorry this is the last train, and it's full."
Of course, by that point he was PISSED! Nothing was going right for
him. I completely understood him being upset, however he basically
marched through the mall, too fast for our comfort (I don't like
losing sight of him in a place that big). Once we caught up and asked
him to stay closer everyone was in such a bad mood no one talked as we
were driving back to the museum.
We still had a little extra time, and we got out of the bad traffic
area when I saw a park my partner had mentioned earlier. I asked him
if he wanted to go (his response was "whatever") so I pulled in to the
park and let him go play while my partner and I talked. I told her I
understood his frustration, and her frustration with his frustration,
and that I really didn't know the answer but that I would post here
and get advice.
After he ran around at the park he was in a better mood. Parker and I
were both a little calmer because of us talking. We ended up having a
great time at the lazer light shows.
This is a typical pattern for us. If we have something fun planned,
and especially when we have multiple fun things planned, something
tends to go wrong that disappoints Draven. It doesn't matter how much
fun we've had all day, one little thing that isn't perfect seems to
make him forget how much fun we've had the whole day. He doesn't just
get frustrated for a few minutes either, he gets frustrated until
something distracts him, but offering distractions doesn't work either
because he's not interested in any of it. When he's frustrated all of
his communication skills go out the window. He's normally not
intentionally mean (sarcastic yes, but not intentionally hurtful) once
he's frustrated he'll say very hurtful things and flat out say that we
never do anything fun for him.
While I realize that today was a really long day for us and that was
part of the problem, this also happens on short trips.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Tina
Schuyler
It was a big, big, big day. Without enough food. Without enough slow time.
Without enough moments arranged just for him.
Was there a restaurant at the museum? Could you put a picnic together for in the
car or nearby park of things that everybody likes, carry snacks with you in a
backpack for times when hunger is going to be an issue? Food is a big deal.
Getting hungry for anyone can get things to spiral down. Food on a day when you
are exerting a huge amount of energy is a really, really big deal.
It also sounds like you are making assumptions about Draven's ability to deal
with a big day out. If the laser show is once a month, could you have not gone
this month but gone next month? Could you have had zone out time somewhere
nearer to the museum instead of going to the mall? Could you have broken up the
day with less full on activities? Could you have planned the day in advance in
more detail, with more awareness of what Draven needs? Google map can give you
really good details about what is available in an area. Maybe you could have
spent time scanning the map for things to eat and places to go that wouldn't
have sent you driving to the mall. Although you did write that it is normally
only 10 minutes away.
Spontaneous fun isn't always that easy to access. Much better if you know that
there is fun to be had somewhere and go with those ideas in your head, although
not necessarily in Draven's head. If you knew about the train, you could have
made that a mall priority. If you knew about Draven's Burger King preference,
you could have looked it up on the map in advance. Maybe you could have pulled
off and parked on your side of the road and walked back? Or driven around the
block, on your side, and come at the intersection not via the big traffic jam?
Some of it may be that he's not feeling a priority on a big day out. Lots of the
things that didn't happen seemed to not happen because they weren't prioritised.
It's good to check, to say things like "if you want to do the train, lets head
in that direction so we don't miss it" or double check about things like the
Planetarium show. And when a miss occurs, apologise.
It also sounds like you are feeling torn between your partner and Draven. Like
you don't quite want to ask her to accommodate him when you can feel she's
growing frustrated with accommodating him already. It would probably help if you
dealt with that in your own head and with your partner. Talk about whether she
can extend her patience on days like this one so that they will go more easily
for Draven. And if she can't, don't schedule such full out days for all of you
together for a while.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Without enough moments arranged just for him.
Was there a restaurant at the museum? Could you put a picnic together for in the
car or nearby park of things that everybody likes, carry snacks with you in a
backpack for times when hunger is going to be an issue? Food is a big deal.
Getting hungry for anyone can get things to spiral down. Food on a day when you
are exerting a huge amount of energy is a really, really big deal.
It also sounds like you are making assumptions about Draven's ability to deal
with a big day out. If the laser show is once a month, could you have not gone
this month but gone next month? Could you have had zone out time somewhere
nearer to the museum instead of going to the mall? Could you have broken up the
day with less full on activities? Could you have planned the day in advance in
more detail, with more awareness of what Draven needs? Google map can give you
really good details about what is available in an area. Maybe you could have
spent time scanning the map for things to eat and places to go that wouldn't
have sent you driving to the mall. Although you did write that it is normally
only 10 minutes away.
Spontaneous fun isn't always that easy to access. Much better if you know that
there is fun to be had somewhere and go with those ideas in your head, although
not necessarily in Draven's head. If you knew about the train, you could have
made that a mall priority. If you knew about Draven's Burger King preference,
you could have looked it up on the map in advance. Maybe you could have pulled
off and parked on your side of the road and walked back? Or driven around the
block, on your side, and come at the intersection not via the big traffic jam?
Some of it may be that he's not feeling a priority on a big day out. Lots of the
things that didn't happen seemed to not happen because they weren't prioritised.
It's good to check, to say things like "if you want to do the train, lets head
in that direction so we don't miss it" or double check about things like the
Planetarium show. And when a miss occurs, apologise.
It also sounds like you are feeling torn between your partner and Draven. Like
you don't quite want to ask her to accommodate him when you can feel she's
growing frustrated with accommodating him already. It would probably help if you
dealt with that in your own head and with your partner. Talk about whether she
can extend her patience on days like this one so that they will go more easily
for Draven. And if she can't, don't schedule such full out days for all of you
together for a while.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
NCMama
I don't have much to add to what Schuyler said, except to say that most malls and large stores are way too overstimulating for me! I don't know if it's the lighting, or so much sensory input... I do not think of a mall as a fun place to go. At all. If either of my kids did, we'd find a way to work it out, but neither of them like malls either. It took me a little while to figure this out about myself, but now that I know, if we need to go for some reason (though we haven't needed to in a very, very long time! Thanks goodness), we plan on only doing what we need, then skedaddling.
Large stores like WalMart or Target are the same way - after a short time, I'm left feeling like, "I need to get OUT of here!" It might be your son is affected the same way, or you or your partner are, and you just weren't in touch with that - something to keep in mind, and bring your awareness to.
peace,
Caren
Large stores like WalMart or Target are the same way - after a short time, I'm left feeling like, "I need to get OUT of here!" It might be your son is affected the same way, or you or your partner are, and you just weren't in touch with that - something to keep in mind, and bring your awareness to.
peace,
Caren
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Too long of a day, too hungry, lots of things going wrong and I am sure he was
also tired. No wonder he was frustrated.
He is 10, if adults sometimes cannot handle days like that you have to
understand how hard is for a person
who has a lot leess experience.Maybe a shorter day, less plans and more flow or
more plans that will work out ( plan every detail- aske before going and map
burger King)
.
It really depends on what owuld be easier for Draven. I know my son gets upset
if too many things planned go wrong or are changed.
With my daughter is easier.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
also tired. No wonder he was frustrated.
He is 10, if adults sometimes cannot handle days like that you have to
understand how hard is for a person
who has a lot leess experience.Maybe a shorter day, less plans and more flow or
more plans that will work out ( plan every detail- aske before going and map
burger King)
.
It really depends on what owuld be easier for Draven. I know my son gets upset
if too many things planned go wrong or are changed.
With my daughter is easier.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...> wrote:
The bigger problem, as I see it, is this:
Sometimes, in a noisy, crowded place, if too many things go wrong in Mo's plans she'll freeze up - literally freeze in place, not move, not speak, not make eye contact. I've found I can talk to her a *little* in tiny bits of input, but only tiny bits and its imporant to be very very patient all the while until she can move on. But I learned that by getting it wrong over and over - offering too much, wanting her to move on long before she was ready. Because its a little awkward to have a kid standing like a statue while I sit on the floor and wait... and wait :P
Making back up plans ahead of time helps enormously - that's something that might help your son - but the worst scenarios are times like you described, where a dozen unforseen challenges pop up one after the other. What helps me most in those times is to take some deep breaths and remind myself to back off and focus my own attention on "being present" - being calm and in the moment without trying to push the moment forward and without trying to change Mo.
Sometimes just acknowledging that the day doesn't Have To go one hundred percent smoothly can help reduce stress all around. As I said at the start - if you had to summerize the day overall, it sounds like a great day! With one rough patch. Score!
Here's an old description of a day by Danielle Conger entitled "one of those magical days" - and yet there are three rough patches involving her son Sam in it, see if you can spot them! It's a particularly good example of how what you focus on (in the moment and later) can change your whole perception of a day - actually she once wrote on another list that it easily could have been seen as an example of a bad day, with two meltdowns and almost a third.
http://sandradodd.com/day/danielle
---Meredith
> We ended up having aI'm pulling this little bit out, right from the end, because its important. You can frame what happened as a day of hassle and disappointment, or you can frame it as a mostly successful day with a rough patch. Some days you'll breeze through the rough patches and some days those will be longer - it sounds like your son is a pretty emotional person! So he's going to react to thing emotionally and That's Okay. I don't mean its fun, I mean its how he reacts and works things through. You can't do it for him, you can't necessarily jolly him out of his feelings in the moment or give him another perspective. He needs time to move on.
> great time at the lazer light shows.
The bigger problem, as I see it, is this:
> IIt's not you son's job to be in a good mood for y'all, nor is it your job to make the people around you happy. You can work to set things up to maximize the potential for happiness, but you can't actually change the way someone else feels.
> felt like I had to make him happier to avoid my partner getting more
> upset. I felt like I was failing to help either one of them stay in a
> good mood.
Sometimes, in a noisy, crowded place, if too many things go wrong in Mo's plans she'll freeze up - literally freeze in place, not move, not speak, not make eye contact. I've found I can talk to her a *little* in tiny bits of input, but only tiny bits and its imporant to be very very patient all the while until she can move on. But I learned that by getting it wrong over and over - offering too much, wanting her to move on long before she was ready. Because its a little awkward to have a kid standing like a statue while I sit on the floor and wait... and wait :P
Making back up plans ahead of time helps enormously - that's something that might help your son - but the worst scenarios are times like you described, where a dozen unforseen challenges pop up one after the other. What helps me most in those times is to take some deep breaths and remind myself to back off and focus my own attention on "being present" - being calm and in the moment without trying to push the moment forward and without trying to change Mo.
> At that point my partner got very frustrated because it seemsIt might be helpful to talk with your partner before the next outting and remind her that there will probably be some glitch in the day and adding adult frustration to the mix isn't going to help anything. Brainstorm some ideas between the two of you for how to remind each other - and support each other - to be calm and present when you hit a rough patch.
> that any day we plan a day full of cool stuff, something upsets him
> and "it's never good enough".
Sometimes just acknowledging that the day doesn't Have To go one hundred percent smoothly can help reduce stress all around. As I said at the start - if you had to summerize the day overall, it sounds like a great day! With one rough patch. Score!
Here's an old description of a day by Danielle Conger entitled "one of those magical days" - and yet there are three rough patches involving her son Sam in it, see if you can spot them! It's a particularly good example of how what you focus on (in the moment and later) can change your whole perception of a day - actually she once wrote on another list that it easily could have been seen as an example of a bad day, with two meltdowns and almost a third.
http://sandradodd.com/day/danielle
---Meredith
The Coffee Goddess
I know that for me and mine, "Let's just go to the mall and mill about and see
what's appealing" doesn't work, food-wise. I want to have decided ahead of
time, gotten my mouth and stomach ready, so to speak ;) My husband can just
stick any old thing in his mouth, but my son and I are very selective and have
to be in the mood for something. So, quite frankly, if I were in the mood for
BK and that was what I had really decided on, I would be pissed if my family
wouldn't get it for me even though we drove by it. I understand his
frustration....Seeing mom drive around the block, even though it was hard, or
park and walk across the street, even though it was inconvenient, would look to
me like she cared. My husband often goes out of his way to please me,
food-wise, and it feels so incredibly loving :)
Dana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
what's appealing" doesn't work, food-wise. I want to have decided ahead of
time, gotten my mouth and stomach ready, so to speak ;) My husband can just
stick any old thing in his mouth, but my son and I are very selective and have
to be in the mood for something. So, quite frankly, if I were in the mood for
BK and that was what I had really decided on, I would be pissed if my family
wouldn't get it for me even though we drove by it. I understand his
frustration....Seeing mom drive around the block, even though it was hard, or
park and walk across the street, even though it was inconvenient, would look to
me like she cared. My husband often goes out of his way to please me,
food-wise, and it feels so incredibly loving :)
Dana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Hi I am new, so I don't want to give parental advice as much as personal experience. I related to your son in this situation. I get very disappointed when something doesn't go as "planned". I also get very aggrevated and become an emotional grump. I used to like having my weekend or our vacations planned out. But they were so stressful. You end up rushing through something to get to the next thing on the list or get disappointed, becuase you couldn't do something that was not on the list that you didn't see while making the plans. We now go on unplanned vacations. No booking hotels and no iteneraries. Things go a lot smoother and we have a lot more fun.
For planning weekend fun. We don't schedule more then 1-2 things. We always allow for the unexpected. So instead of planning a full day we only plan 1/3-1/2 a day. That gives us a full day to account for traffic jams, or missed time slots, or time to rethink, because we couldnt do something. We try to plan only 1 or 2 activities. An activity may even include lunch.
Either way when we plan a whole bunch and I get disappointed I am just like your son. I don't care that chick-fil-a is there, because i was looking forward to Bk. I need cool down periods to relax my mind and get back on track. Once an event is placed in my head. I think about it. I analyze it. I try to figure out how it should go. I get really built up about it. And when it doesnt happen all that planning I just did in my head was for nothing. So not only can I not eat at Bk, but the fact that I thought about what they have there to eat and I started thinking about what the fries smell like and what they feel and taste like and get emotionally wrapped around the food. NOW i have to think of something else to eat. It can happen with food or events. It doesnt matter. It will ruin everything else that comes along until I mentally get back to where I was before the disappointment.
For me getting back on the right track requires less stimulation from others. Don't suggest other places to eat or I will hate them more. So for the BK situation if hes like me don't offer more. Just give him time to relax and regroup. Just say to your son. "Let us know when you decide what you want and we will go get it." keep it simple. That statement says I care and when your ready. He can look around the food court and decide. But he probably doesnt need more stimulation. It's not just about deciding what else to eat its getting over that disappointment too.
So the less I have planned in my days the less disappointments I have. I still need a hug or an its ok i care from my husband kind of response. But not immediately. I always need a few minutes. If he waits till after we are starting to move forward rather then while I'm regrouping then the i care is more comforting to me. Hope this helps some.
For planning weekend fun. We don't schedule more then 1-2 things. We always allow for the unexpected. So instead of planning a full day we only plan 1/3-1/2 a day. That gives us a full day to account for traffic jams, or missed time slots, or time to rethink, because we couldnt do something. We try to plan only 1 or 2 activities. An activity may even include lunch.
Either way when we plan a whole bunch and I get disappointed I am just like your son. I don't care that chick-fil-a is there, because i was looking forward to Bk. I need cool down periods to relax my mind and get back on track. Once an event is placed in my head. I think about it. I analyze it. I try to figure out how it should go. I get really built up about it. And when it doesnt happen all that planning I just did in my head was for nothing. So not only can I not eat at Bk, but the fact that I thought about what they have there to eat and I started thinking about what the fries smell like and what they feel and taste like and get emotionally wrapped around the food. NOW i have to think of something else to eat. It can happen with food or events. It doesnt matter. It will ruin everything else that comes along until I mentally get back to where I was before the disappointment.
For me getting back on the right track requires less stimulation from others. Don't suggest other places to eat or I will hate them more. So for the BK situation if hes like me don't offer more. Just give him time to relax and regroup. Just say to your son. "Let us know when you decide what you want and we will go get it." keep it simple. That statement says I care and when your ready. He can look around the food court and decide. But he probably doesnt need more stimulation. It's not just about deciding what else to eat its getting over that disappointment too.
So the less I have planned in my days the less disappointments I have. I still need a hug or an its ok i care from my husband kind of response. But not immediately. I always need a few minutes. If he waits till after we are starting to move forward rather then while I'm regrouping then the i care is more comforting to me. Hope this helps some.
Bun
I'm not sure how far away the museum is from you, but could you have said you'd go to the planetarium show next month?
Because you knew it meant alot to him, could you have stopped at BK on the way home or on the way back to the museum (if he was still hungry or even wanted to get one thing)?
If you are able to go to the planetarium show next month, can you go to the mall for a train ride too? (And add in the suggestions about food and downtime, etc. Keep it short and sweet maybe.)
Laurie
Because you knew it meant alot to him, could you have stopped at BK on the way home or on the way back to the museum (if he was still hungry or even wanted to get one thing)?
If you are able to go to the planetarium show next month, can you go to the mall for a train ride too? (And add in the suggestions about food and downtime, etc. Keep it short and sweet maybe.)
Laurie
Tina Tarbutton
I really appreciate all of the responses. It has helped my partner and I
see this a lot more clearly, and not from the emotional place we were coming
from before.
We see where we have been making a lot of mistakes in the past, and we've
already started trying things differently.
We went shopping today and made sure to pick up plenty of snacks that can be
kept in the car. We've always kept a case of water in the trunk, and a few
other odds and ends food wise, but now we're going to have a backpack full
of lots of different stuff (beef jerky, dried fruit, different types of
chips). Having an abundance of food on hand at all times (which we've
always done at home) may help a lot with outings.
We're also going to plan outings more loosely, with plenty of down time in
between things. More time means more flexibility, which means even if we're
in an unknown area we can drive around to find a BK, or wait in traffic to
get back to one we missed (while snacking on the food stored in the car).
We're also making more of an effort to try to meet his requests, even if we
don't think it's possible. Sunday we went to the beach after church, and as
it was starting to get dark and therefore cooler, Draven started digging a
hole. He said he wanted it big enough he could sit in, and he wanted a
trench so the water would come up into the hole. He asked for our help
after he had started the hole. We were pretty sure he was too far away from
the water for the water to reach him, and we had no digging tools, and it
was getting cold and dark. We let him know it may not work, however we got
down in the sand and helped him dig. When he realized how fast it was
getting dark he decided on a smaller hole, and then we helped him dig a
trench, which didn't work. He was okay with it not working, we tried. We
told him we'd come back within a few days and we'd bring a shovel. Today my
partner took him to the beach and buried him up to his chest. He was VERY
happy with that.
After that he wanted her to go swimming with him. Now, don't get me wrong,
we are in Florida, and I'm sure it's WAY warmer here than in a lot of places
right now, however it's still pretty cold, especially in the water. He
didn't have a problem with the cold water, but Parker was freezing just
being out there in shorts. She was not okay with getting in the water, but
she stayed close to the water while he played in it. He was disappointed by
that, but it was easier for her to look at it as a bad spot in an otherwise
good outing.
I think that mindset within itself will help. Draven is very emotional, he
is not going to be happy 100% of the time, no matter how well we plan.
Seeing that we can have a great day overall, even with him
getting disappointed, is much better than seeing his disappointment as
something that ruins the day. We will do everything we can to minimize
disappointment, but we aren't perfect.
One of our big issues was figuring out how to get him past the
disappointment once it happened. Hearing others say that just waiting it
out and being supportive is better than trying to change his mood helps a
lot. Also hearing other perspectives of how he gets into that state in the
first place (not just being upset over missing BK, but also over all of the
mental thought that went into going to BK for example). I think keeping in
mind that he has to process his emotions in his own way, on his own time
schedule will help us support him through those difficult times.
All 3 of us are very emotional. All 3 of us have been labeled by
the psychiatric community and my partner and I are on medications to help us
cope with our bipolar, etc. One of our major goals with Draven was to help
him learn coping skills to deal with ups and downs in emotion (which are a
part of his emotional wiring, even without labels), I think we were coming
from a place of fear when we saw his strong reaction to disappointment,
because we felt on some level that if he's not learning these coping skills,
he'll end up on medication. We, of course, never said that to him, but it's
always in the back of our minds. We've realized that we can't teach him
coping skills, we just have to model them, and support him through his
journey of learning them in his own way. We also know from personal
experience that learning coping skills doesn't mean one will never need
medication, or therapy, or whatever. We try very hard not to parent out of
fear, and I think this was one area that we unintentionally let our fear get
in the way.
Letting go of the fear, letting him process in his own time, and minimizing
things that set him up for disappointment are the things we'll be working
harder on from now on.
Thanks a ton for the input, it's much appreciated!
Tina (and Parker and Draven)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
see this a lot more clearly, and not from the emotional place we were coming
from before.
We see where we have been making a lot of mistakes in the past, and we've
already started trying things differently.
We went shopping today and made sure to pick up plenty of snacks that can be
kept in the car. We've always kept a case of water in the trunk, and a few
other odds and ends food wise, but now we're going to have a backpack full
of lots of different stuff (beef jerky, dried fruit, different types of
chips). Having an abundance of food on hand at all times (which we've
always done at home) may help a lot with outings.
We're also going to plan outings more loosely, with plenty of down time in
between things. More time means more flexibility, which means even if we're
in an unknown area we can drive around to find a BK, or wait in traffic to
get back to one we missed (while snacking on the food stored in the car).
We're also making more of an effort to try to meet his requests, even if we
don't think it's possible. Sunday we went to the beach after church, and as
it was starting to get dark and therefore cooler, Draven started digging a
hole. He said he wanted it big enough he could sit in, and he wanted a
trench so the water would come up into the hole. He asked for our help
after he had started the hole. We were pretty sure he was too far away from
the water for the water to reach him, and we had no digging tools, and it
was getting cold and dark. We let him know it may not work, however we got
down in the sand and helped him dig. When he realized how fast it was
getting dark he decided on a smaller hole, and then we helped him dig a
trench, which didn't work. He was okay with it not working, we tried. We
told him we'd come back within a few days and we'd bring a shovel. Today my
partner took him to the beach and buried him up to his chest. He was VERY
happy with that.
After that he wanted her to go swimming with him. Now, don't get me wrong,
we are in Florida, and I'm sure it's WAY warmer here than in a lot of places
right now, however it's still pretty cold, especially in the water. He
didn't have a problem with the cold water, but Parker was freezing just
being out there in shorts. She was not okay with getting in the water, but
she stayed close to the water while he played in it. He was disappointed by
that, but it was easier for her to look at it as a bad spot in an otherwise
good outing.
I think that mindset within itself will help. Draven is very emotional, he
is not going to be happy 100% of the time, no matter how well we plan.
Seeing that we can have a great day overall, even with him
getting disappointed, is much better than seeing his disappointment as
something that ruins the day. We will do everything we can to minimize
disappointment, but we aren't perfect.
One of our big issues was figuring out how to get him past the
disappointment once it happened. Hearing others say that just waiting it
out and being supportive is better than trying to change his mood helps a
lot. Also hearing other perspectives of how he gets into that state in the
first place (not just being upset over missing BK, but also over all of the
mental thought that went into going to BK for example). I think keeping in
mind that he has to process his emotions in his own way, on his own time
schedule will help us support him through those difficult times.
All 3 of us are very emotional. All 3 of us have been labeled by
the psychiatric community and my partner and I are on medications to help us
cope with our bipolar, etc. One of our major goals with Draven was to help
him learn coping skills to deal with ups and downs in emotion (which are a
part of his emotional wiring, even without labels), I think we were coming
from a place of fear when we saw his strong reaction to disappointment,
because we felt on some level that if he's not learning these coping skills,
he'll end up on medication. We, of course, never said that to him, but it's
always in the back of our minds. We've realized that we can't teach him
coping skills, we just have to model them, and support him through his
journey of learning them in his own way. We also know from personal
experience that learning coping skills doesn't mean one will never need
medication, or therapy, or whatever. We try very hard not to parent out of
fear, and I think this was one area that we unintentionally let our fear get
in the way.
Letting go of the fear, letting him process in his own time, and minimizing
things that set him up for disappointment are the things we'll be working
harder on from now on.
Thanks a ton for the input, it's much appreciated!
Tina (and Parker and Draven)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]