Helping kids deal with family crisis
Tina Tarbutton
The Tuesday before Christmas my step father had a stroke. I live two
hours away from the town he lived in, so my partner and I drove over
that evening to visit him in the hospital and to see how we could
help. Luckily Draven (our 10 y/o son) had already arranged to spend
the night with a friend and we contacted that family and asked if they
would let him stay for a few days, we also, at that time let Draven
know what was going on. On Christmas eve my partner and I drove back
to our home town to pick up Draven, take care of the cats at our
house, and pack enough stuff for Draven and I to stay full time at my
mothers house for at least a month. For some strange reason, about a
week before Christmas, we decided to go ahead and "do Christmas" and
allowed Draven to open all of his gifts from us. This of course ended
up being a huge blessing because his Christmas wasn't really
overshadowed by this family emergency.
At this point the decision has been made by everyone that we are all
going to move in with my mother and step father for at least 6 months.
At least until tax time, my partner is going to continue spending a
few days a week in our home town where she has a part time job. We're
going to give up our apartment within the next 2 weeks and move
everything to this town, splitting it between my mothers house and a
storage unit.
We have lived in this town before (Draven and I spent 5 years here,
and my partner spent about a year here when we first got together).
Draven still has a few friends, both from when he was in school, and
from our years spent in the homeschool groups here. He only has 2
objections to moving here. One is that he's leaving all of his
friends behind, and we did explain that since my partners family is in
that town, we will still be going there relatively often. His other
problem is the same problem all of us kind of have, which is that
we'll be living with my mother and step father, and they don't
completely agree with our parenting practices. I've had long talks
with my mother concerning the way we are raising and educating Draven,
and she has said "It's your kid, none of my buisness, except that I
will try to keep your practices in mind when I am asking him for help
or just communicating with him" I'm not too worried about her. My
step father however is a very opinionated man, and he's not in the
mental state right now for me to have this conversation with him, so
we're just going to have to kind of deal with that as he gets better.
So, we've covered the conversational base so to speak with both Draven
and my mother. We've also already made time for Draven to spend the
night with some old friends, as well as taken one on one time with him
to let him spend some Christmas money. Right now (until my youngest
sister moves out in a week or so) Draven, my partner and I are all
sharing one bedroom, so in the evenings we have plenty of "family
time." My step father also had his own apartment (he is recently
divorced from my mother), so while we were moving things out of his
apartment we made sure Draven was able to spend time with some local
friends so he could still be a kid.
Draven is very excited that we have cable TV and high speed wireless
internet here, so that's been a huge plus for him (and all of us
really, because we didn't have those luxuries at home). Another huge
plus is that we were struggling financially back home, and here our
bills will be about 1/4 of what they were there.
The family politics (for lack of a better term) are very difficult
right now. My step father has 2 biological children. The youngest
who will be 21 in a month (the one currently living with my mom) said
from day one she refused to help with his care or any of this. Her
attitude is basically that she didn't ask to have "old parents" and
this isn't her problem. His oldest bio child, who is 25, lives an
hour away and works 2 full time jobs to support herself. She is
willing to help, but is not willing to give up her small 1 bedroom
apartment and therefore he can't move in with her because she won't be
available for 24 hour care. That's why our mother said she would let
him move in here and provide for his care, at which point my partner
brought up the idea of us moving in to help so that my mother wasn't
trying to do everything alone.
So far I think I'm handling this pretty well when it comes to keeping
Draven as included as possible during this process, but I'm wondering
if anyone has been in this situation (or something similar) and can
point out things that we may be missing.
Thank you for any and all advice as well as any prayers that can be
passed our way while we all deal with this situation.
Tina
hours away from the town he lived in, so my partner and I drove over
that evening to visit him in the hospital and to see how we could
help. Luckily Draven (our 10 y/o son) had already arranged to spend
the night with a friend and we contacted that family and asked if they
would let him stay for a few days, we also, at that time let Draven
know what was going on. On Christmas eve my partner and I drove back
to our home town to pick up Draven, take care of the cats at our
house, and pack enough stuff for Draven and I to stay full time at my
mothers house for at least a month. For some strange reason, about a
week before Christmas, we decided to go ahead and "do Christmas" and
allowed Draven to open all of his gifts from us. This of course ended
up being a huge blessing because his Christmas wasn't really
overshadowed by this family emergency.
At this point the decision has been made by everyone that we are all
going to move in with my mother and step father for at least 6 months.
At least until tax time, my partner is going to continue spending a
few days a week in our home town where she has a part time job. We're
going to give up our apartment within the next 2 weeks and move
everything to this town, splitting it between my mothers house and a
storage unit.
We have lived in this town before (Draven and I spent 5 years here,
and my partner spent about a year here when we first got together).
Draven still has a few friends, both from when he was in school, and
from our years spent in the homeschool groups here. He only has 2
objections to moving here. One is that he's leaving all of his
friends behind, and we did explain that since my partners family is in
that town, we will still be going there relatively often. His other
problem is the same problem all of us kind of have, which is that
we'll be living with my mother and step father, and they don't
completely agree with our parenting practices. I've had long talks
with my mother concerning the way we are raising and educating Draven,
and she has said "It's your kid, none of my buisness, except that I
will try to keep your practices in mind when I am asking him for help
or just communicating with him" I'm not too worried about her. My
step father however is a very opinionated man, and he's not in the
mental state right now for me to have this conversation with him, so
we're just going to have to kind of deal with that as he gets better.
So, we've covered the conversational base so to speak with both Draven
and my mother. We've also already made time for Draven to spend the
night with some old friends, as well as taken one on one time with him
to let him spend some Christmas money. Right now (until my youngest
sister moves out in a week or so) Draven, my partner and I are all
sharing one bedroom, so in the evenings we have plenty of "family
time." My step father also had his own apartment (he is recently
divorced from my mother), so while we were moving things out of his
apartment we made sure Draven was able to spend time with some local
friends so he could still be a kid.
Draven is very excited that we have cable TV and high speed wireless
internet here, so that's been a huge plus for him (and all of us
really, because we didn't have those luxuries at home). Another huge
plus is that we were struggling financially back home, and here our
bills will be about 1/4 of what they were there.
The family politics (for lack of a better term) are very difficult
right now. My step father has 2 biological children. The youngest
who will be 21 in a month (the one currently living with my mom) said
from day one she refused to help with his care or any of this. Her
attitude is basically that she didn't ask to have "old parents" and
this isn't her problem. His oldest bio child, who is 25, lives an
hour away and works 2 full time jobs to support herself. She is
willing to help, but is not willing to give up her small 1 bedroom
apartment and therefore he can't move in with her because she won't be
available for 24 hour care. That's why our mother said she would let
him move in here and provide for his care, at which point my partner
brought up the idea of us moving in to help so that my mother wasn't
trying to do everything alone.
So far I think I'm handling this pretty well when it comes to keeping
Draven as included as possible during this process, but I'm wondering
if anyone has been in this situation (or something similar) and can
point out things that we may be missing.
Thank you for any and all advice as well as any prayers that can be
passed our way while we all deal with this situation.
Tina
Faith Void
On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 10:12 AM, Tina Tarbutton
<tina.tarbutton@...>wrote:
your favor to soften the blow as much as possible.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you offer some more concrete suggestions, like every Wednesday we will go to
X town. Then you can rotate things to do that are important to him. Does he
have access to his friends via internet, Xbox live or Skype?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
parents would be hard enough without throwing in long term care for
someone convalescing.
Since your step father is needing care it might be most helpful to empower
Draven. And to not have him alone in situations that may be difficult and
painful to navigate by himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
stepfather is or how close he and Draven are. I did a lot of preparing my
kids. We knew his time was limited and tried to spend as much time as we
could with him before he was unwilling to have visitors. He was very private
towards the end. We talked a lot about life and death. We made videos and
took lots of pictures. We didn't live with them however.
I am not sure about how I would handle that. Personally I would keep
assessing if it is the right option depending on how things go. If things
were to uncomfortable for my children I would consider other options. For
now it seems like everyone is on board, I would just keep an open mind and a
close eye on Draven and his reactions to everything.
best wishes in this trying scenario.
Faith
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
<tina.tarbutton@...>wrote:
>*** Wow! That'a a big deal. It sounds like many things were working in
>
> The Tuesday before Christmas my step father had a stroke. I live two
> hours away from the town he lived in, so my partner and I drove over
> that evening to visit him in the hospital and to see how we could
> help. Luckily Draven (our 10 y/o son) had already arranged to spend
> the night with a friend and we contacted that family and asked if they
> would let him stay for a few days, we also, at that time let Draven
> know what was going on. On Christmas eve my partner and I drove back
> to our home town to pick up Draven, take care of the cats at our
> house, and pack enough stuff for Draven and I to stay full time at my
> mothers house for at least a month. For some strange reason, about a
> week before Christmas, we decided to go ahead and "do Christmas" and
> allowed Draven to open all of his gifts from us. This of course ended
> up being a huge blessing because his Christmas wasn't really
> overshadowed by this family emergency.
>
your favor to soften the blow as much as possible.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>*** How does he feel about that? If he is feeling insecure about it could
> We have lived in this town before (Draven and I spent 5 years here,
> and my partner spent about a year here when we first got together).
> Draven still has a few friends, both from when he was in school, and
> from our years spent in the homeschool groups here. He only has 2
> objections to moving here. One is that he's leaving all of his
> friends behind, and we did explain that since my partners family is in
> that town, we will still be going there relatively often.
>
you offer some more concrete suggestions, like every Wednesday we will go to
X town. Then you can rotate things to do that are important to him. Does he
have access to his friends via internet, Xbox live or Skype?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> His other*** It sounds like this is a tough situation. I know that living with my
> problem is the same problem all of us kind of have, which is that
> we'll be living with my mother and step father, and they don't
> completely agree with our parenting practices. I've had long talks
> with my mother concerning the way we are raising and educating Draven,
> and she has said "It's your kid, none of my buisness, except that I
> will try to keep your practices in mind when I am asking him for help
> or just communicating with him" I'm not too worried about her. My
> step father however is a very opinionated man, and he's not in the
> mental state right now for me to have this conversation with him, so
> we're just going to have to kind of deal with that as he gets better.
>
parents would be hard enough without throwing in long term care for
someone convalescing.
Since your step father is needing care it might be most helpful to empower
Draven. And to not have him alone in situations that may be difficult and
painful to navigate by himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>*** Those are nice pluses.
> Draven is very excited that we have cable TV and high speed wireless
> internet here, so that's been a huge plus for him (and all of us
> really, because we didn't have those luxuries at home). Another huge
> plus is that we were struggling financially back home, and here our
> bills will be about 1/4 of what they were there.
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>lived for about 3 months after that. I am not sure how healthy your
> The family politics (for lack of a better term) are very difficult
> right now. My step father has 2 biological children. The youngest
> who will be 21 in a month (the one currently living with my mom) said
> from day one she refused to help with his care or any of this. Her
> attitude is basically that she didn't ask to have "old parents" and
> this isn't her problem. His oldest bio child, who is 25, lives an
> hour away and works 2 full time jobs to support herself. She is
> willing to help, but is not willing to give up her small 1 bedroom
> apartment and therefore he can't move in with her because she won't be
> available for 24 hour care. That's why our mother said she would let
> him move in here and provide for his care, at which point my partner
> brought up the idea of us moving in to help so that my mother wasn't
> trying to do everything alone.
>
> So far I think I'm handling this pretty well when it comes to keeping
> Draven as included as possible during this process, but I'm wondering
> if anyone has been in this situation (or something similar) and can
> point out things that we may be missing.
>
> *** A little over a year ago my step father was diagnosed with cancer. He
stepfather is or how close he and Draven are. I did a lot of preparing my
kids. We knew his time was limited and tried to spend as much time as we
could with him before he was unwilling to have visitors. He was very private
towards the end. We talked a lot about life and death. We made videos and
took lots of pictures. We didn't live with them however.
I am not sure about how I would handle that. Personally I would keep
assessing if it is the right option depending on how things go. If things
were to uncomfortable for my children I would consider other options. For
now it seems like everyone is on board, I would just keep an open mind and a
close eye on Draven and his reactions to everything.
best wishes in this trying scenario.
Faith
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
First off, hugs to all - this is a really stressful time. Next, although
you may already know about it and have things in hand, be sure to be in
contact with the "discharge coordinator" at the hospital to arrange for
home care and respite care. All of you need some way of having a break,
not just rotating between you and your mom to care for a recovering
stroke patient. You'll all need some assistance in learning to do
whatever needs doing and a 'lifeline' for providing assistance/advice
for new situations that may arise. If your stepfather was prickly to
begin with, he's liable to be even touchier now because he won't be able
to do all that he might once have done (physically AND mentally).
Everyone in the situation needs a way to keep themselves physically and
emotionally safe - it can be very easy to get sucked into a maelstrom of
turbulence. Having respite care so that the family can go out to dinner,
for example, is important.
--Deb R
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you may already know about it and have things in hand, be sure to be in
contact with the "discharge coordinator" at the hospital to arrange for
home care and respite care. All of you need some way of having a break,
not just rotating between you and your mom to care for a recovering
stroke patient. You'll all need some assistance in learning to do
whatever needs doing and a 'lifeline' for providing assistance/advice
for new situations that may arise. If your stepfather was prickly to
begin with, he's liable to be even touchier now because he won't be able
to do all that he might once have done (physically AND mentally).
Everyone in the situation needs a way to keep themselves physically and
emotionally safe - it can be very easy to get sucked into a maelstrom of
turbulence. Having respite care so that the family can go out to dinner,
for example, is important.
--Deb R
**********************************************************************
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
www.mastercam.com
**********************************************************************
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]