Messy Bedrooms
Tina Tarbutton
I have a 10 y/o son and we've been radically unschooling for about
9-12 months now, however I followed some of the basic ideas long
before that. His room has always been his own, I've always respected
his privacy in there and other than asking for a clear path in and out
when he was younger, I didn't say much about how messy it got.
However, now it's out of control. There is no path in and out. He
sleeps on the sofa most nights because he can't see the TV from his
preferred sleeping spot, under the bed (he has a daybed that's
somewhat tall and he is more comfortable making the underneath into a
cave of sorts). He can't sleep on the bed even if he wanted to
because it's covered in toys. The floor and every surface is covered
with toys.
Some of it I can see is an active battle ground for action figures and
I completely understand that and really wouldn't mind it if maybe the
rest of the room wasn't such a disaster.
He has friends over and they tend to play in the spare bedroom now
because no one else can really navigate his room. He wants to have a
friend sleepover this weekend which typically doesn't bother me at all
(we've had 3 or 4 friends at a time for 4 days in a row or more),
however there's no where for anyone to sleep because of the state of
his room, and it's also quite dangerous. I also told him I'd really
like it to be done before Christmas because I don't want the new toys
broken because stuff is getting stepped on.
We told him no one could stay over until the room was picked up,
because honestly it's not safe. We've offered to help, we've offered
to do it for him, we've waited over a week for him to do it himself
(which he normally does before it gets quite this bad).
There's also a second problem to this. We live in an apartment
complex and when some new neighbors moved in we started seeing bugs,
at first just a few, now it's getting worse. We've sprayed and taken
other preventative measures in most of the house, but because of it
being his space we haven't gotten into the bedroom. My partner went
in there today with the maintenance man because of a window that's not
working and she noticed empty soda cans which have been there for at
least two weeks (because we haven't had cans in the house in that
long), empty candy wrappers, open boxes of cereal and such. We've
always told him he can only take food in there if it and all trash
comes out, but since we haven't been able to make it in the door in
the last few weeks we didn't realize it was a problem.
Typically, about this time of the year we do a huge clean up of his
room and help him reorganize everything so that when the Christmas
stuff is brought in there's a nice clean palate to figure out where to
fit the new stuff. He normally loves that idea because he picks out
all of the toys he no longer wants and through craigslist we find a
family in need and give them enough toys to make a nice Christmas for
someone. This year he has absolutely no interest in doing that.
I need advice on how to proceed without turning this into something
that damages our relationship.
Thank you!
Tina
9-12 months now, however I followed some of the basic ideas long
before that. His room has always been his own, I've always respected
his privacy in there and other than asking for a clear path in and out
when he was younger, I didn't say much about how messy it got.
However, now it's out of control. There is no path in and out. He
sleeps on the sofa most nights because he can't see the TV from his
preferred sleeping spot, under the bed (he has a daybed that's
somewhat tall and he is more comfortable making the underneath into a
cave of sorts). He can't sleep on the bed even if he wanted to
because it's covered in toys. The floor and every surface is covered
with toys.
Some of it I can see is an active battle ground for action figures and
I completely understand that and really wouldn't mind it if maybe the
rest of the room wasn't such a disaster.
He has friends over and they tend to play in the spare bedroom now
because no one else can really navigate his room. He wants to have a
friend sleepover this weekend which typically doesn't bother me at all
(we've had 3 or 4 friends at a time for 4 days in a row or more),
however there's no where for anyone to sleep because of the state of
his room, and it's also quite dangerous. I also told him I'd really
like it to be done before Christmas because I don't want the new toys
broken because stuff is getting stepped on.
We told him no one could stay over until the room was picked up,
because honestly it's not safe. We've offered to help, we've offered
to do it for him, we've waited over a week for him to do it himself
(which he normally does before it gets quite this bad).
There's also a second problem to this. We live in an apartment
complex and when some new neighbors moved in we started seeing bugs,
at first just a few, now it's getting worse. We've sprayed and taken
other preventative measures in most of the house, but because of it
being his space we haven't gotten into the bedroom. My partner went
in there today with the maintenance man because of a window that's not
working and she noticed empty soda cans which have been there for at
least two weeks (because we haven't had cans in the house in that
long), empty candy wrappers, open boxes of cereal and such. We've
always told him he can only take food in there if it and all trash
comes out, but since we haven't been able to make it in the door in
the last few weeks we didn't realize it was a problem.
Typically, about this time of the year we do a huge clean up of his
room and help him reorganize everything so that when the Christmas
stuff is brought in there's a nice clean palate to figure out where to
fit the new stuff. He normally loves that idea because he picks out
all of the toys he no longer wants and through craigslist we find a
family in need and give them enough toys to make a nice Christmas for
someone. This year he has absolutely no interest in doing that.
I need advice on how to proceed without turning this into something
that damages our relationship.
Thank you!
Tina
Joyce Fetteroll
On Dec 10, 2010, at 3:10 PM, Tina Tarbutton wrote:
Maybe there's a touch of depression. Maybe he's affected by the lack
of sunlight.
Have you asked him what he pictures might happen if you clean up his
room for him? Does he picture being dragged into it even if you say
you won't?
Let him know you do need to clean it up because of the bugs but don't
want to upset him. And want to make it as easy as possible on him.
After it's cleaned, you might want to help a bit weekly or daily so
that it doesn't get that bad again. (You could do the FlyLady thing
and divide it up into zones ;-) Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you
came in and did some tidying. You might want to avoid asking him where
this and that go -- I know it bothers me when my husband does that
because if I knew I'd just put things away! ;-).
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I need advice on how to proceed without turning this into somethingMaybe he's overwhelmed by it and just doesn't want to think about it.
> that damages our relationship.
Maybe there's a touch of depression. Maybe he's affected by the lack
of sunlight.
Have you asked him what he pictures might happen if you clean up his
room for him? Does he picture being dragged into it even if you say
you won't?
Let him know you do need to clean it up because of the bugs but don't
want to upset him. And want to make it as easy as possible on him.
After it's cleaned, you might want to help a bit weekly or daily so
that it doesn't get that bad again. (You could do the FlyLady thing
and divide it up into zones ;-) Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you
came in and did some tidying. You might want to avoid asking him where
this and that go -- I know it bothers me when my husband does that
because if I knew I'd just put things away! ;-).
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Lovejoy
It's funny that you posted two posts in a row---one saying that things were so sweet and one saying that things were tough.
It seems that the relationship is strong (from the other post). Maybe laying it out and asking what *he* thinks a good solution would be. If he'll agree to let you clean while he's away with your partner on a "date?"
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
-----Original Message-----
From: Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Messy Bedrooms
I have a 10 y/o son and we've been radically unschooling for about
9-12 months now, however I followed some of the basic ideas long
before that. His room has always been his own, I've always respected
his privacy in there and other than asking for a clear path in and out
when he was younger, I didn't say much about how messy it got.
However, now it's out of control. There is no path in and out. He
sleeps on the sofa most nights because he can't see the TV from his
preferred sleeping spot, under the bed (he has a daybed that's
somewhat tall and he is more comfortable making the underneath into a
cave of sorts). He can't sleep on the bed even if he wanted to
because it's covered in toys. The floor and every surface is covered
with toys.
Some of it I can see is an active battle ground for action figures and
I completely understand that and really wouldn't mind it if maybe the
rest of the room wasn't such a disaster.
He has friends over and they tend to play in the spare bedroom now
because no one else can really navigate his room. He wants to have a
friend sleepover this weekend which typically doesn't bother me at all
(we've had 3 or 4 friends at a time for 4 days in a row or more),
however there's no where for anyone to sleep because of the state of
his room, and it's also quite dangerous. I also told him I'd really
like it to be done before Christmas because I don't want the new toys
broken because stuff is getting stepped on.
We told him no one could stay over until the room was picked up,
because honestly it's not safe. We've offered to help, we've offered
to do it for him, we've waited over a week for him to do it himself
(which he normally does before it gets quite this bad).
There's also a second problem to this. We live in an apartment
complex and when some new neighbors moved in we started seeing bugs,
at first just a few, now it's getting worse. We've sprayed and taken
other preventative measures in most of the house, but because of it
being his space we haven't gotten into the bedroom. My partner went
in there today with the maintenance man because of a window that's not
working and she noticed empty soda cans which have been there for at
least two weeks (because we haven't had cans in the house in that
long), empty candy wrappers, open boxes of cereal and such. We've
always told him he can only take food in there if it and all trash
comes out, but since we haven't been able to make it in the door in
the last few weeks we didn't realize it was a problem.
Typically, about this time of the year we do a huge clean up of his
room and help him reorganize everything so that when the Christmas
stuff is brought in there's a nice clean palate to figure out where to
fit the new stuff. He normally loves that idea because he picks out
all of the toys he no longer wants and through craigslist we find a
family in need and give them enough toys to make a nice Christmas for
someone. This year he has absolutely no interest in doing that.
I need advice on how to proceed without turning this into something
that damages our relationship.
Thank you!
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It seems that the relationship is strong (from the other post). Maybe laying it out and asking what *he* thinks a good solution would be. If he'll agree to let you clean while he's away with your partner on a "date?"
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
-----Original Message-----
From: Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Messy Bedrooms
I have a 10 y/o son and we've been radically unschooling for about
9-12 months now, however I followed some of the basic ideas long
before that. His room has always been his own, I've always respected
his privacy in there and other than asking for a clear path in and out
when he was younger, I didn't say much about how messy it got.
However, now it's out of control. There is no path in and out. He
sleeps on the sofa most nights because he can't see the TV from his
preferred sleeping spot, under the bed (he has a daybed that's
somewhat tall and he is more comfortable making the underneath into a
cave of sorts). He can't sleep on the bed even if he wanted to
because it's covered in toys. The floor and every surface is covered
with toys.
Some of it I can see is an active battle ground for action figures and
I completely understand that and really wouldn't mind it if maybe the
rest of the room wasn't such a disaster.
He has friends over and they tend to play in the spare bedroom now
because no one else can really navigate his room. He wants to have a
friend sleepover this weekend which typically doesn't bother me at all
(we've had 3 or 4 friends at a time for 4 days in a row or more),
however there's no where for anyone to sleep because of the state of
his room, and it's also quite dangerous. I also told him I'd really
like it to be done before Christmas because I don't want the new toys
broken because stuff is getting stepped on.
We told him no one could stay over until the room was picked up,
because honestly it's not safe. We've offered to help, we've offered
to do it for him, we've waited over a week for him to do it himself
(which he normally does before it gets quite this bad).
There's also a second problem to this. We live in an apartment
complex and when some new neighbors moved in we started seeing bugs,
at first just a few, now it's getting worse. We've sprayed and taken
other preventative measures in most of the house, but because of it
being his space we haven't gotten into the bedroom. My partner went
in there today with the maintenance man because of a window that's not
working and she noticed empty soda cans which have been there for at
least two weeks (because we haven't had cans in the house in that
long), empty candy wrappers, open boxes of cereal and such. We've
always told him he can only take food in there if it and all trash
comes out, but since we haven't been able to make it in the door in
the last few weeks we didn't realize it was a problem.
Typically, about this time of the year we do a huge clean up of his
room and help him reorganize everything so that when the Christmas
stuff is brought in there's a nice clean palate to figure out where to
fit the new stuff. He normally loves that idea because he picks out
all of the toys he no longer wants and through craigslist we find a
family in need and give them enough toys to make a nice Christmas for
someone. This year he has absolutely no interest in doing that.
I need advice on how to proceed without turning this into something
that damages our relationship.
Thank you!
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
Is he open to the idea of you cleaning up his room for him? Mo doesn't always want me to clean up hers if she has several overlapping projects going on at once - and a lot of her projects involve making things out of paper, so its hard for me to know what's "safe" to throw away. If I'm really wanting to clean it though (her room is open to the master bedroom, it used to be a kind of walk-in closet) I'll work out a time when we can go through things together and get the stuff she wants to keep set aside, and then do a big whirlwind clean.
---Meredith
---Meredith
Three Mommies
Does he want his room picked up? Our 10-year-old is always grateful when one
of us picks up and vacuums in his room and often volunteers to help, but our
7-year-old often wants his room to be messy. He likes the stuffed animals
and mattresses all over the floor. They are his playscape and he doesn't
want them messed up.
We really don't want bugs in the house, so the agreement we came to is that
food is eaten in the kitchen or on the third floor in front of the TV if
people sit on a towel or have one on their laps and if they clean up after
themselves or get someone else to clean up after them. If you talked to your
son about the bug problem, would he be cool with an arrangement like that?
You mentioned that you have a spare bedroom. Is it possible to split his
stuff into the two rooms? Maybe he has things in his room taht he plays with
sometimes and wouldn't mind them living someplace else so the amount of
stuff in the room is decreased. Maybe he has a hard time finding things in
his room and when he searches for stuff and finds it playing with the
searched for item(s) becomes paramount and cleaning up the stuff he spread
out to find said items becomes less important. Maybe there are things in the
room which are literally in his way. Periodically my guys want shifted out
of their rooms. We pack it up and re-arrange their rooms. If they want the
packed stuff back, we just get the box out again.
I know that if I give a few minutes to Ethan's room each day it doesn't get
to the point where we can't find the floor. If I don't get to it, then I
take a few hours, crank up the radio, and give it a good cleaning.
Maybe he and his friends could have the sleepover in the spare bedroom?
Maybe they can have a camp out someplace else in the house?
One last thought, who is stressing over the mess you or him? If it's you,
then you need to think about how to stop stressing or find a solution hatt
both of you can live with. If it's him, then you need help him find a way to
get the room to a state he likes better :)
-Jean Elizabeth
http://3mommies.blogspot.com
of us picks up and vacuums in his room and often volunteers to help, but our
7-year-old often wants his room to be messy. He likes the stuffed animals
and mattresses all over the floor. They are his playscape and he doesn't
want them messed up.
We really don't want bugs in the house, so the agreement we came to is that
food is eaten in the kitchen or on the third floor in front of the TV if
people sit on a towel or have one on their laps and if they clean up after
themselves or get someone else to clean up after them. If you talked to your
son about the bug problem, would he be cool with an arrangement like that?
You mentioned that you have a spare bedroom. Is it possible to split his
stuff into the two rooms? Maybe he has things in his room taht he plays with
sometimes and wouldn't mind them living someplace else so the amount of
stuff in the room is decreased. Maybe he has a hard time finding things in
his room and when he searches for stuff and finds it playing with the
searched for item(s) becomes paramount and cleaning up the stuff he spread
out to find said items becomes less important. Maybe there are things in the
room which are literally in his way. Periodically my guys want shifted out
of their rooms. We pack it up and re-arrange their rooms. If they want the
packed stuff back, we just get the box out again.
I know that if I give a few minutes to Ethan's room each day it doesn't get
to the point where we can't find the floor. If I don't get to it, then I
take a few hours, crank up the radio, and give it a good cleaning.
Maybe he and his friends could have the sleepover in the spare bedroom?
Maybe they can have a camp out someplace else in the house?
One last thought, who is stressing over the mess you or him? If it's you,
then you need to think about how to stop stressing or find a solution hatt
both of you can live with. If it's him, then you need help him find a way to
get the room to a state he likes better :)
-Jean Elizabeth
http://3mommies.blogspot.com
On Fri, Dec 10, 2010 at 3:10 PM, Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...>wrote:
>
>
> I have a 10 y/o son and we've been radically unschooling for about
> 9-12 months now, however I followed some of the basic ideas long
> before that. His room has always been his own, I've always respected
> his privacy in there and other than asking for a clear path in and out
> when he was younger, I didn't say much about how messy it got.
>
> However, now it's out of control. There is no path in and out. He
> sleeps on the sofa most nights because he can't see the TV from his
> preferred sleeping spot, under the bed (he has a daybed that's
> somewhat tall and he is more comfortable making the underneath into a
> cave of sorts). He can't sleep on the bed even if he wanted to
> because it's covered in toys. The floor and every surface is covered
> with toys.
>
> Some of it I can see is an active battle ground for action figures and
> I completely understand that and really wouldn't mind it if maybe the
> rest of the room wasn't such a disaster.
>
> He has friends over and they tend to play in the spare bedroom now
> because no one else can really navigate his room. He wants to have a
> friend sleepover this weekend which typically doesn't bother me at all
> (we've had 3 or 4 friends at a time for 4 days in a row or more),
> however there's no where for anyone to sleep because of the state of
> his room, and it's also quite dangerous. I also told him I'd really
> like it to be done before Christmas because I don't want the new toys
> broken because stuff is getting stepped on.
>
> We told him no one could stay over until the room was picked up,
> because honestly it's not safe. We've offered to help, we've offered
> to do it for him, we've waited over a week for him to do it himself
> (which he normally does before it gets quite this bad).
>
> There's also a second problem to this. We live in an apartment
> complex and when some new neighbors moved in we started seeing bugs,
> at first just a few, now it's getting worse. We've sprayed and taken
> other preventative measures in most of the house, but because of it
> being his space we haven't gotten into the bedroom. My partner went
> in there today with the maintenance man because of a window that's not
> working and she noticed empty soda cans which have been there for at
> least two weeks (because we haven't had cans in the house in that
> long), empty candy wrappers, open boxes of cereal and such. We've
> always told him he can only take food in there if it and all trash
> comes out, but since we haven't been able to make it in the door in
> the last few weeks we didn't realize it was a problem.
>
> Typically, about this time of the year we do a huge clean up of his
> room and help him reorganize everything so that when the Christmas
> stuff is brought in there's a nice clean palate to figure out where to
> fit the new stuff. He normally loves that idea because he picks out
> all of the toys he no longer wants and through craigslist we find a
> family in need and give them enough toys to make a nice Christmas for
> someone. This year he has absolutely no interest in doing that.
>
> I need advice on how to proceed without turning this into something
> that damages our relationship.
>
> Thank you!
> Tina
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tina Tarbutton
I appreciate everyone's input.
He had some friends over and they were playing in the spare room, so I
pulled him aside and asked him why he didn't want me cleaning his
room. His only response was that it was HIS room. So I asked if he
felt it wasn't my responsibility or if he didn't want me invading his
privacy. He said it was his room so it was his job. I pointed out
that my partner had cleaned our room without me because she knew when
it got that messy it was too overwhelming for me, and I asked if he
was overwhelmed by his room. He said he was, but that he didn't want
to make it my responsibility to clean it. He didn't want to clean it
with my help because in the past that has turned into fights between
us. We explained that we knew it wasn't our responsibility and didn't
feel like he was making it that way, and that we wanted to help him by
doing it for him if he would let us. He agreed but asked if when we
were done we could go through some of the boxes in his closet
together.
My partner and I are about half way done with the basic cleaning of
the room (it's break time), then we'll reorganize the drawers and such
(which he said we could do). After his friends go home for the
evening we'll go through the boxes he wants to go through.
As for the person that asked if it was me being irritated or him . . .
it was only bothering me because of the food/bug issue we have right
now, and the food and wrappers are so mixed in with the toys that we
couldn't just clean that up without cleaning the entire room. We're
going to discuss the food issue more after his friends leave so it
doesn't get this way again.
Also, we can't really use the spare bedroom for too much of his stuff
because my mother will be selling her house to travel full time and we
already agreed to let her store her bedroom furniture and important
papers there for the next few years.
Again, thanks for all of the advice, it helped me approach him in a
different way which helped us to figure out the problem.
Tina
He had some friends over and they were playing in the spare room, so I
pulled him aside and asked him why he didn't want me cleaning his
room. His only response was that it was HIS room. So I asked if he
felt it wasn't my responsibility or if he didn't want me invading his
privacy. He said it was his room so it was his job. I pointed out
that my partner had cleaned our room without me because she knew when
it got that messy it was too overwhelming for me, and I asked if he
was overwhelmed by his room. He said he was, but that he didn't want
to make it my responsibility to clean it. He didn't want to clean it
with my help because in the past that has turned into fights between
us. We explained that we knew it wasn't our responsibility and didn't
feel like he was making it that way, and that we wanted to help him by
doing it for him if he would let us. He agreed but asked if when we
were done we could go through some of the boxes in his closet
together.
My partner and I are about half way done with the basic cleaning of
the room (it's break time), then we'll reorganize the drawers and such
(which he said we could do). After his friends go home for the
evening we'll go through the boxes he wants to go through.
As for the person that asked if it was me being irritated or him . . .
it was only bothering me because of the food/bug issue we have right
now, and the food and wrappers are so mixed in with the toys that we
couldn't just clean that up without cleaning the entire room. We're
going to discuss the food issue more after his friends leave so it
doesn't get this way again.
Also, we can't really use the spare bedroom for too much of his stuff
because my mother will be selling her house to travel full time and we
already agreed to let her store her bedroom furniture and important
papers there for the next few years.
Again, thanks for all of the advice, it helped me approach him in a
different way which helped us to figure out the problem.
Tina
sarahrandom78
You might want to avoid asking him where
this and that go -- I know it bothers me when my husband does that
because if I knew I'd just put things away! ;-).
I feel the exact same way!!! I never knew how to put that into words before and you've just opened a huge door for me :) My husband always wants to "help" put laundry away, or "help" clean house, but then what he mainly does is stand there and pick up assorted things and say "hun, where does this go?" I know he's trying to be helpful but I just start to feel overwhelmed by the questions. Sort of like I'm being quizzed.
Sarah
this and that go -- I know it bothers me when my husband does that
because if I knew I'd just put things away! ;-).
I feel the exact same way!!! I never knew how to put that into words before and you've just opened a huge door for me :) My husband always wants to "help" put laundry away, or "help" clean house, but then what he mainly does is stand there and pick up assorted things and say "hun, where does this go?" I know he's trying to be helpful but I just start to feel overwhelmed by the questions. Sort of like I'm being quizzed.
Sarah
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Dec 10, 2010, at 3:10 PM, Tina Tarbutton wrote:
>
> > I need advice on how to proceed without turning this into something
> > that damages our relationship.
>
> Maybe he's overwhelmed by it and just doesn't want to think about it.
>
> Maybe there's a touch of depression. Maybe he's affected by the lack
> of sunlight.
>
> Have you asked him what he pictures might happen if you clean up his
> room for him? Does he picture being dragged into it even if you say
> you won't?
>
> Let him know you do need to clean it up because of the bugs but don't
> want to upset him. And want to make it as easy as possible on him.
>
> After it's cleaned, you might want to help a bit weekly or daily so
> that it doesn't get that bad again. (You could do the FlyLady thing
> and divide it up into zones ;-) Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you
> came in and did some tidying. You might want to avoid asking him where
> this and that go -- I know it bothers me when my husband does that
> because if I knew I'd just put things away! ;-).
>
> Joyce
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>