Where are the dad's?
Adam Dealan-de
I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising
unschooled kids? Is this true?
At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking
dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support
the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their
job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.
Is this a theme in your home?
I am a dad and want to learn more about how unschooling is working for
the dad and family.
The more I learn the more I see that I need to unschool my own life!
unschooled kids? Is this true?
At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking
dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support
the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their
job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.
Is this a theme in your home?
I am a dad and want to learn more about how unschooling is working for
the dad and family.
The more I learn the more I see that I need to unschool my own life!
Heather B.
I think with the majority of families, the moms stay home. There are some stay at home dads too and lots of other exceptions. There isn't any hard and fast rule as to who stays home with the children.
I think many dads would agree with you about wanting to sort of unschool their own lives! Mine included.
There is a SSUD's yahoo group. (Secret Society of Unschooling Dads)
Maybe someone has a link?
In my family we have recently discovered that we are unhappy with dad making all the money. He works long hours and we miss him. We are working together to find ways to change our lifestyle.
Heather
I think many dads would agree with you about wanting to sort of unschool their own lives! Mine included.
There is a SSUD's yahoo group. (Secret Society of Unschooling Dads)
Maybe someone has a link?
In my family we have recently discovered that we are unhappy with dad making all the money. He works long hours and we miss him. We are working together to find ways to change our lifestyle.
Heather
--- In [email protected], Adam Dealan-de <adam@...> wrote:
>
> I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising
> unschooled kids? Is this true?
kristi_beguin
Adam Dealan-de wrote:
The way you've framed this "theme" sounds less than positive. Many parents struggle with figuring out who will bring home the money and who will care for the kids while their kids are before school age. Parents who embark on homeschooling have to make adjustments to income and lifestyle to ensure that bills are paid so that they can make homeschooling work. I suspect it's different for every family. I happen to be the one with a great job and a good salary. But the biggest sacrifice I make every day is going out the door and leaving my children.
My husband and I work together and evaluate things from time to time...is this working? What can we adjust? Should he get an outside job so I can reduce my hours even more? It's a continuing conversation...not something either of us has resigned ourselves to.
>>>I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising unschooled kids? Is this true?<<<In our house, I'm (the Mom) the one who works outside the home and supports our family. I am fortunate to be able to work 32-hours a week, and I take Wednesdays off. My husband handles the bulk of care for our daughters 1 full day a week, and 3 other mornings and afternoons. We have two wonderfully supportive sets of Grandparents who help us with our kids each week.
>>>At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.Is this a theme in your home?<<<
The way you've framed this "theme" sounds less than positive. Many parents struggle with figuring out who will bring home the money and who will care for the kids while their kids are before school age. Parents who embark on homeschooling have to make adjustments to income and lifestyle to ensure that bills are paid so that they can make homeschooling work. I suspect it's different for every family. I happen to be the one with a great job and a good salary. But the biggest sacrifice I make every day is going out the door and leaving my children.
My husband and I work together and evaluate things from time to time...is this working? What can we adjust? Should he get an outside job so I can reduce my hours even more? It's a continuing conversation...not something either of us has resigned ourselves to.
plaidpanties666
Adam Dealan-de <adam@...> wrote:
I'm currently the working partner in our family, although that wasn't always the case. I'm glad to be able to support the people I love - but I also have a job I enjoy, and that helps a whole lot.
Jeff Sabo has written alot about his journey as a working dad - now "unworking" (and taking a break from writing) to spend more time with his family:
http://justabaldman.blogspot.com/
And there are links to blogs by eight other unschooling dads here:
http://enjoylifeunschooling.com/resources/
---Meredith
>> At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out lookingI think some moms get so wrapped up in creating a wonderful home for their kids they start to take dads for granted, for sure. When moms come on to the unschooling lists asking about "getting dad on board" though, there are a lot of suggestions to extend the same kindness and support to our partners as we (ideally anyway) do our kids.
> dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support
> the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their
> job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.
I'm currently the working partner in our family, although that wasn't always the case. I'm glad to be able to support the people I love - but I also have a job I enjoy, and that helps a whole lot.
Jeff Sabo has written alot about his journey as a working dad - now "unworking" (and taking a break from writing) to spend more time with his family:
http://justabaldman.blogspot.com/
And there are links to blogs by eight other unschooling dads here:
http://enjoylifeunschooling.com/resources/
---Meredith
otherstar
>>>>I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising unschooled kids? Is this true?<<<It varies from family to family. My husband works full time outside the home and I work from home. I do the bulk of raising the kids but that is only because my kids are so young. The older my kids get, the more my husband does with them. When my oldest two were younger, I worked outside the home in addition to working from home. I do the bulk because my husband can't nurse the younger ones.
>>>At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.<<<<My husband and I have ongoing discussions about this. When he was unemployed for six months, both of us looked for full time work. He got a job first so it works out that he works outside the home and I do the bulk of the child rearing. My husband does not sacrifice himself and neither do it. We work together to make sure that we are both fulfilled and that neither of us are sacrificing anything. He has a lot of interests outside the home. One of them is music. I try to support his interest in music by giving him the space to practice and play with bands. He has chosen to leave several bands because they demanded so much of his time. It was a choice that he made. I don't force him to work and I don't make him sacrifice anything. I try to give my husband the same room that I give to my children.
>>>Is this a theme in your home?<<<As another poster pointed out, this has a negative connotation. The goal in my house is to make sure that nobody feels like they are sacrificing themselves. If any member of the family is not happy, then we try to address it as a family. It almost sounds as though you think the dad has to assume the role of martyr in order to keep the family happy. In my house, dad is very much a part of the family and we try to make sure that he is happy. My husband would love to stay home but we know that it isn't possible for both of us to be home. We have explored starting a business and we have explored me working more so he can work less. He has finally found a job that gives him a lot of freedom to be at home more.
>>>I am a dad and want to learn more about how unschooling is working for the dad and family.<<<Ideally, dad isn't seen as separate from the family. He is very much a part of the family and has a very active role in everything, at least that is the way things work in our house.
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
On Thu, Dec 9, 2010 at 2:17 PM, Adam Dealan-de <
adam@...> wrote:
you child-rear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
unschool. Many people feel like they are sacrificing and they feel like
martyrs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
work dynamics and loads of resentment.
Our family has had a variety of work situations and who stays with whom.
There were many factors to consider during different parts of our live
together. My partner and I have our own businesses. Right now he is the one
doing the majority of the work for pay this last year. That is changing as
our families needs change. Our youngest is 3 and needing mama to do the bulk
of care has not only lessen but flip. She is all about papa! So we are
working towards a balance that includes me making more money and him being
the primary care giver more. He works from home so this isn't to huge a
shift.
There is not really any resentment. In fact most of my friends (all of which
unschool) have similar work situations. Where they are balanced to the needs
of the entire family. It looks different in each family but none are
resentful.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Faith
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
adam@...> wrote:
>***I think it is a fairly typical dynamic regardless of the way
>
> I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising
> unschooled kids? Is this true?
>
you child-rear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>***I hear that is quite common in families regardless of their decision to
> At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking
> dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support
> the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their
> job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.
>
unschool. Many people feel like they are sacrificing and they feel like
martyrs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>***I am going to assume you are asking if our family has similar
> Is this a theme in your home?
>
work dynamics and loads of resentment.
Our family has had a variety of work situations and who stays with whom.
There were many factors to consider during different parts of our live
together. My partner and I have our own businesses. Right now he is the one
doing the majority of the work for pay this last year. That is changing as
our families needs change. Our youngest is 3 and needing mama to do the bulk
of care has not only lessen but flip. She is all about papa! So we are
working towards a balance that includes me making more money and him being
the primary care giver more. He works from home so this isn't to huge a
shift.
There is not really any resentment. In fact most of my friends (all of which
unschool) have similar work situations. Where they are balanced to the needs
of the entire family. It looks different in each family but none are
resentful.
----------------------------------------------------------------
>the whole family can really help.
> The more I learn the more I see that I need to unschool my own life!
>
> ***That is a huge start. Shifting your perspective towards partnering with
Faith
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
I think yes it is true that the mom is taking on the bulk of raising unschooled
kids in most unschooling households. Lots of moms on the list have jobs that
they work around their children's needs. Or that they juggle with their
partner's work schedule. I know quite a few households where the mom is the
breadwinner and the dad is the stay at home parent. I think I probably take on
the bulk of the decision making about child rearing in my household, but bulk
doesn't mean all by a long shot. I have a very generous partner who is more than
willing to support me being a stay at home mom with our children. But, from the
couch, he said "I am working partly to make your and the kids lives better but
that's just a part of male parental care even without unschooling."
My first thought in response to your e-mail is that at the last Life is Good I
went to lots of the parents looked pretty tired by the end of the weekend, some
even at the beginning. There are pictures of me standing behind Linnaea with
fantastic by Chamille zombie makeup on where I look only slightly less undead
than she does. So I hope some of the burned out look was tiredness and not a
sense of martyrdom to being the bread winner.
Is this a theme in our household? I hope not. I hope from the bottom of my heart
that David knows how grateful I am for him and all that he does. I've talked
about it with him, about whether or not his job is one that he wants to have,
about whether or not he'd like me to get a job instead and the truth is that it
would be very hard for me to make the money that he does given the lack of work
experience I have at this point. But his answer has always been that his job is
a good job no matter the frustrations and that he doesn't really mind the burden
of being the provider.
His life is also so much better because of the unschooling. Just as my life is.
He comes home to a happy and embracive home. We all, puppy included, joyously
greet his homecoming. Whatever tensions were a part of his workday fade to the
pleasures of being at home with us. There is a lot less stress in our household
than in either David or my childhood home. And a fair bit less stress than a lot
of the non-unschooling homes we know about. There is a sense between both David
and I of having a shared purpose of investing time and energy into both Simon
and Linnaea, we aren't working to meet our own agendas in the way that can
happen when both parents are competing in the workforce.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Adam Dealan-de <adam@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 9 December, 2010 22:17:15
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Where are the dad's?
I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising
unschooled kids? Is this true?
At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking
dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support
the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their
job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.
Is this a theme in your home?
I am a dad and want to learn more about how unschooling is working for
the dad and family.
The more I learn the more I see that I need to unschool my own life!
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kids in most unschooling households. Lots of moms on the list have jobs that
they work around their children's needs. Or that they juggle with their
partner's work schedule. I know quite a few households where the mom is the
breadwinner and the dad is the stay at home parent. I think I probably take on
the bulk of the decision making about child rearing in my household, but bulk
doesn't mean all by a long shot. I have a very generous partner who is more than
willing to support me being a stay at home mom with our children. But, from the
couch, he said "I am working partly to make your and the kids lives better but
that's just a part of male parental care even without unschooling."
My first thought in response to your e-mail is that at the last Life is Good I
went to lots of the parents looked pretty tired by the end of the weekend, some
even at the beginning. There are pictures of me standing behind Linnaea with
fantastic by Chamille zombie makeup on where I look only slightly less undead
than she does. So I hope some of the burned out look was tiredness and not a
sense of martyrdom to being the bread winner.
Is this a theme in our household? I hope not. I hope from the bottom of my heart
that David knows how grateful I am for him and all that he does. I've talked
about it with him, about whether or not his job is one that he wants to have,
about whether or not he'd like me to get a job instead and the truth is that it
would be very hard for me to make the money that he does given the lack of work
experience I have at this point. But his answer has always been that his job is
a good job no matter the frustrations and that he doesn't really mind the burden
of being the provider.
His life is also so much better because of the unschooling. Just as my life is.
He comes home to a happy and embracive home. We all, puppy included, joyously
greet his homecoming. Whatever tensions were a part of his workday fade to the
pleasures of being at home with us. There is a lot less stress in our household
than in either David or my childhood home. And a fair bit less stress than a lot
of the non-unschooling homes we know about. There is a sense between both David
and I of having a shared purpose of investing time and energy into both Simon
and Linnaea, we aren't working to meet our own agendas in the way that can
happen when both parents are competing in the workforce.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Adam Dealan-de <adam@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 9 December, 2010 22:17:15
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Where are the dad's?
I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising
unschooled kids? Is this true?
At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking
dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support
the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their
job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.
Is this a theme in your home?
I am a dad and want to learn more about how unschooling is working for
the dad and family.
The more I learn the more I see that I need to unschool my own life!
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
My hubby is the at home parent. Has been since DS was 2 (he's 12 now).
My career earnings (along with some awesome benefits at the company I
now work with) make it more sensible for me to work and him to stay
home. If his career/job prospects would provide better, then he'd be
working and I'd be home. And, yes, there are single parents that
unschool and two income families that unschool and so on. But when both
parents are out of the home, it gets more complicated. Working
alternating shifts; finding caregivers for the kids who are on the same
page of unschooling the kids; etc. Some folks arrange things so one
parent is working outside the home and the other works from home to be
available for the kids.
Key is to keep the work outside the home parent in the loop - emails,
text messages, phone calls, whatever is possible in the situation - so
that there's less of a bump when that person arrives home at the end of
their work day. I'm in touch at least once or twice during my work day
just to see what's happening at home - are they playing Assassin's
Creed? Is DS having tuna for lunch or leftover pizza? Did they make
tortillas? Was there a huge frog in the back yard? Etc. We deliberately
got decent camera phones last time we traded up so that they can send me
pix of things they see and do - pix of the submarine they visited on a
"field trip" with a group, pix of DS with the first tomatoes of the
season, whatever.
As with any relationship, it does take conscious effort to keep the
connections to try to minimize getting out of synch with what's going on
in the household.
Deb R
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My career earnings (along with some awesome benefits at the company I
now work with) make it more sensible for me to work and him to stay
home. If his career/job prospects would provide better, then he'd be
working and I'd be home. And, yes, there are single parents that
unschool and two income families that unschool and so on. But when both
parents are out of the home, it gets more complicated. Working
alternating shifts; finding caregivers for the kids who are on the same
page of unschooling the kids; etc. Some folks arrange things so one
parent is working outside the home and the other works from home to be
available for the kids.
Key is to keep the work outside the home parent in the loop - emails,
text messages, phone calls, whatever is possible in the situation - so
that there's less of a bump when that person arrives home at the end of
their work day. I'm in touch at least once or twice during my work day
just to see what's happening at home - are they playing Assassin's
Creed? Is DS having tuna for lunch or leftover pizza? Did they make
tortillas? Was there a huge frog in the back yard? Etc. We deliberately
got decent camera phones last time we traded up so that they can send me
pix of things they see and do - pix of the submarine they visited on a
"field trip" with a group, pix of DS with the first tomatoes of the
season, whatever.
As with any relationship, it does take conscious effort to keep the
connections to try to minimize getting out of synch with what's going on
in the household.
Deb R
**********************************************************************
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
www.mastercam.com
**********************************************************************
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
How do things work in your house? How's that working for you? Are you feeling burned out? Are you worried about that?
Nance
Nance
--- In [email protected], Adam Dealan-de <adam@...> wrote:
>
> I have noticed that the mom seems to take on the bulk of raising
> unschooled kids? Is this true?
>
> At Life IS Good Conference I also noticed alot of burned out looking
> dads when they discussed how they had to work all the time to support
> the mom being at home and there was this resignation that that was their
> job to sacrifice themselves so that their family is happy.
>
> Is this a theme in your home?
>
> I am a dad and want to learn more about how unschooling is working for
> the dad and family.
>
> The more I learn the more I see that I need to unschool my own life!
>