Unschooling Teens-feeling like I failed them
stephanie
Hi Everyone!
I am not sure how to make this as short as possible or get 'my' story in written form...I just keep crying and my anxiety attacks are driving me crazy.
It's been a long road...
I'm a single mother (father not involved in pic at all)
The girls are teens now.
When they were little we were left in a rural area no homeschooling (let alone unschooling) support/friends at all.
I did the best I could.
I read about other's stories (life in hs/unschoolers lives) and I feel like we haven't done much...I didn't have a man influence and they weren't involved in big volunteer events or big projects like I've heard out there.
The time has gone by so fast and now they are 14 and 16. The last 2 years they have befriended a mainstream/public schooler....eversince my oldest seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that she NEVER had before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That is the main goal of most public schoolers---ASAP outta here! My girls were never in a hurry...now it's all she thinks about now that she has since then met even MORE public school kids/friends.
Well, I can't change this...fine (not) but if she really is going to 'get outta here' the instant she turns 18 (like THEY all talk about) then I feel like a failure and I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces or what to do to help prepare her...
I'm so torn frustrated (and so are they) at knowing that life is learning etc...and the crazy unrelated things the education system requires of you to do anything...
To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as unschoolers we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of the questions they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior to their public school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of math etc.
I feel the coming of my daughter being mad at me blaming me in a couple years when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a bubble and compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is mixing w/ some of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the 'crap' that goes on with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed out' and finger pointed at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty year old instead of a teenager....just b/c she has been taught some morals....
anyway....i'm feeling that loss inching it's way too....empty nest syndrome...but that isn't what this is all about...it's there too naturally...but i'm frustrated with how to deal with unschool lifestyle teens vs/meets the mainstream teens....how to graduate/ged or is there something else she should be doing/taking? how do i go about any of it....and how do i prepare them in one year for things mainstream has been doing from k-12....how do i prepare them for the 'real world'....i say that in quotes b/c in our unschool life the 'real world' is truly 'real'---live life and learn what you need when and now.....yeah that sounds all sweet and true and how it should be and it makes sense!! but unfortunately the 'real world' is ruled by DOE and whatever other title the big wigs out there are called---the real world requires you to know how to basket weave to be a chef...the real world requires you to pass these crazy questions on a GED and manage thru life on campus etc....or how to 'really DO math' THEIR way.
My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous and you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic after all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for all of this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear they will resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them 'different'.....to top it off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no friends and the time went by so fast...always thought we'd get out of the area....so now that wonderful unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so great...it looks like IT is to blame for them not having all those friends that others have and it this lifestyle has caused them to feel very different from the other kids out there...even fellow unschoolers that we met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the other kids stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some amazing passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)
I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly I need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories? I mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in area with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c there were so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and teens are in school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do with the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on their own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss being younger too....
Tears...
Thank you in advance.
I am not sure how to make this as short as possible or get 'my' story in written form...I just keep crying and my anxiety attacks are driving me crazy.
It's been a long road...
I'm a single mother (father not involved in pic at all)
The girls are teens now.
When they were little we were left in a rural area no homeschooling (let alone unschooling) support/friends at all.
I did the best I could.
I read about other's stories (life in hs/unschoolers lives) and I feel like we haven't done much...I didn't have a man influence and they weren't involved in big volunteer events or big projects like I've heard out there.
The time has gone by so fast and now they are 14 and 16. The last 2 years they have befriended a mainstream/public schooler....eversince my oldest seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that she NEVER had before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That is the main goal of most public schoolers---ASAP outta here! My girls were never in a hurry...now it's all she thinks about now that she has since then met even MORE public school kids/friends.
Well, I can't change this...fine (not) but if she really is going to 'get outta here' the instant she turns 18 (like THEY all talk about) then I feel like a failure and I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces or what to do to help prepare her...
I'm so torn frustrated (and so are they) at knowing that life is learning etc...and the crazy unrelated things the education system requires of you to do anything...
To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as unschoolers we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of the questions they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior to their public school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of math etc.
I feel the coming of my daughter being mad at me blaming me in a couple years when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a bubble and compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is mixing w/ some of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the 'crap' that goes on with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed out' and finger pointed at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty year old instead of a teenager....just b/c she has been taught some morals....
anyway....i'm feeling that loss inching it's way too....empty nest syndrome...but that isn't what this is all about...it's there too naturally...but i'm frustrated with how to deal with unschool lifestyle teens vs/meets the mainstream teens....how to graduate/ged or is there something else she should be doing/taking? how do i go about any of it....and how do i prepare them in one year for things mainstream has been doing from k-12....how do i prepare them for the 'real world'....i say that in quotes b/c in our unschool life the 'real world' is truly 'real'---live life and learn what you need when and now.....yeah that sounds all sweet and true and how it should be and it makes sense!! but unfortunately the 'real world' is ruled by DOE and whatever other title the big wigs out there are called---the real world requires you to know how to basket weave to be a chef...the real world requires you to pass these crazy questions on a GED and manage thru life on campus etc....or how to 'really DO math' THEIR way.
My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous and you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic after all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for all of this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear they will resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them 'different'.....to top it off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no friends and the time went by so fast...always thought we'd get out of the area....so now that wonderful unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so great...it looks like IT is to blame for them not having all those friends that others have and it this lifestyle has caused them to feel very different from the other kids out there...even fellow unschoolers that we met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the other kids stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some amazing passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)
I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly I need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories? I mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in area with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c there were so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and teens are in school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do with the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on their own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss being younger too....
Tears...
Thank you in advance.
stephanie
PS....
A lil side note....I just scrolled through my message (did NOT proofread it please excuse any typos etc)....but uhhhh.....I guess that was my SHORT version LOL I can't imagine how many pages the full version would be
A lil side note....I just scrolled through my message (did NOT proofread it please excuse any typos etc)....but uhhhh.....I guess that was my SHORT version LOL I can't imagine how many pages the full version would be
otherstar
I am not a single mom and I don't have teens but felt that I should reply because you sound like you are really distressed. My big sister has been in your shoes and she and I have talked extensively about the trials and tribulations of a single mom, especially one that is trying to homeschool/unschool.
If your girls are 14 and 16, what have they been doing? Have you always homeschooled or unschooled? Have you thought of letting your girls go to school? Homeschooling/unschooling is much easier if you have support. My sister, who is a single mom, homeschooled her kids for a couple of years. She ended up putting them back in school because she could not work 2/3 jobs and still give her kids all of the opportunities that she wanted them to have. She said that school was a great babysitter and that was about it. It also kept child's protective services off of her back. Her split was very ugly and she went through hell. She gave her oldest son the option of going back to school or going to college. He chose to go back to high school but eventually dropped out. There is no shame in letting your kids go to school. My 13 year old nephew and I talk about his school experiences and he jokes about being able to sit in an air conditioned school and sleep a lot. Oh, and he gets to meet cute girls. I have extended the offer to let him homeschool/unschool with me and my girls but he has declined. Her kids do cool stuff in the evening and on weekends.
Have you talked to your girls about why they want to get out of there? It is not uncommon for people to want to get out of a small town no matter what type of parenting they receive. My husband grew up in a small town and almost everybody has left because there weren't many opportunities for jobs or recreation. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the area itself. Instead of throwing your hands up in the air and blaming the local kids for their attitude, perhaps it would be a good idea to sit down with them and talk it out. You sound like you are really depressed and stressed out too. My sister's kids don't always talk to her about stuff because they know how stressed she is and they don't want to add to her stress. Maybe your kids are afraid to open up to you.
Are you in the US? If so, it is very possible to go to college without a high school diploma or GED. My nephew dropped out of high school and was able to enroll in the local community college. He had to take placement tests and take some remedial courses but that hasn't stopped him. What do your girls want to do? Do they want to go to college or high school? If so, you can get books and they can start preparing for whatever it is they want to do. There are tons of resources out there about college without high school.
Are there any volunteering opportunities in your area that your kids might like? Are there any local libraries? Are all of the activities in your town sponsored by the local school or are there some dance academies, etc. that might be of interest to your girls? My girls are younger but they don't go for the cutesie stuff either. We found a local karate school that they tried out for a while. Sometimes you just have to dig deeper and get creative.
Connie
From: stephanie
Sent: Tuesday, October 19, 2010 10:34 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Unschooling Teens-feeling like I failed them
Hi Everyone!
I am not sure how to make this as short as possible or get 'my' story in written form...I just keep crying and my anxiety attacks are driving me crazy.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
If your girls are 14 and 16, what have they been doing? Have you always homeschooled or unschooled? Have you thought of letting your girls go to school? Homeschooling/unschooling is much easier if you have support. My sister, who is a single mom, homeschooled her kids for a couple of years. She ended up putting them back in school because she could not work 2/3 jobs and still give her kids all of the opportunities that she wanted them to have. She said that school was a great babysitter and that was about it. It also kept child's protective services off of her back. Her split was very ugly and she went through hell. She gave her oldest son the option of going back to school or going to college. He chose to go back to high school but eventually dropped out. There is no shame in letting your kids go to school. My 13 year old nephew and I talk about his school experiences and he jokes about being able to sit in an air conditioned school and sleep a lot. Oh, and he gets to meet cute girls. I have extended the offer to let him homeschool/unschool with me and my girls but he has declined. Her kids do cool stuff in the evening and on weekends.
Have you talked to your girls about why they want to get out of there? It is not uncommon for people to want to get out of a small town no matter what type of parenting they receive. My husband grew up in a small town and almost everybody has left because there weren't many opportunities for jobs or recreation. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the area itself. Instead of throwing your hands up in the air and blaming the local kids for their attitude, perhaps it would be a good idea to sit down with them and talk it out. You sound like you are really depressed and stressed out too. My sister's kids don't always talk to her about stuff because they know how stressed she is and they don't want to add to her stress. Maybe your kids are afraid to open up to you.
Are you in the US? If so, it is very possible to go to college without a high school diploma or GED. My nephew dropped out of high school and was able to enroll in the local community college. He had to take placement tests and take some remedial courses but that hasn't stopped him. What do your girls want to do? Do they want to go to college or high school? If so, you can get books and they can start preparing for whatever it is they want to do. There are tons of resources out there about college without high school.
Are there any volunteering opportunities in your area that your kids might like? Are there any local libraries? Are all of the activities in your town sponsored by the local school or are there some dance academies, etc. that might be of interest to your girls? My girls are younger but they don't go for the cutesie stuff either. We found a local karate school that they tried out for a while. Sometimes you just have to dig deeper and get creative.
Connie
From: stephanie
Sent: Tuesday, October 19, 2010 10:34 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Unschooling Teens-feeling like I failed them
Hi Everyone!
I am not sure how to make this as short as possible or get 'my' story in written form...I just keep crying and my anxiety attacks are driving me crazy.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Linda Panek
Hi there,
I am a home-schooler who veers towards unschooling but doesn't have the courage to drop my structure completely. I feel like we miss out from the freedom and the opportunuity to really allow each person to be themselves, to make their own choices, and so on. I admire you for having the courage of your convictions and going for it!
My experience is that teens are never easy whatever you do! They are not sure what direction to go in, but if we decide for them we are robbing them I think.
Being a single Mum is never easy, or a married Mum who's husband doesn't get involved... that's not easy either. I think we just have to do the best we can each day, with whatever resources we do have of time energy and so on. Nobody does a 'refect job of parenting;' whatever a perfect job is anyway. I suppose we all want our kids to come out happy and knowing where they are going but that often takes a little longer.
My oldest two struggled in teen years, one of them in particular I really was very worried, but they are now in their early twenties and deeply grateful for what I have done for them, and I think they are both able to hold their own in the world now. They are true characters because I haven't squashed them.
I think if you can, talk to your girls, get ideas of what they want to do, even if just this week, don't think too far ahead. Just let them know you'll support them as much as you are able, but it's their life in the end!
I also think kids sometimes want to go to school but don't understand what a straight-jacket or pressure school is. DO they realise they would have so little free time and so few choices? One of mine wanted to go to school because he thought they made fudge at school!
YEs I miss the times whe n my kids were younger and things were relatively simple. But they ahve to grow up and the benefits when they are grown are enormous!
I'd say hang on in there and try to think it will all be worth it in a few years time!! Not easy I know. But don't beat yourself up for doing the best you could in hard circumstances.
I say well done to you!
My very best wishes to you!
LInda
To: [email protected]
From: scruffybc@...
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:34:55 +0000
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Unschooling Teens-feeling like I failed them
Hi Everyone!
I am not sure how to make this as short as possible or get 'my' story in written form...I just keep crying and my anxiety attacks are driving me crazy.
It's been a long road...
I'm a single mother (father not involved in pic at all)
The girls are teens now.
When they were little we were left in a rural area no homeschooling (let alone unschooling) support/friends at all.
I did the best I could.
I read about other's stories (life in hs/unschoolers lives) and I feel like we haven't done much...I didn't have a man influence and they weren't involved in big volunteer events or big projects like I've heard out there.
The time has gone by so fast and now they are 14 and 16. The last 2 years they have befriended a mainstream/public schooler....eversince my oldest seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that she NEVER had before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That is the main goal of most public schoolers---ASAP outta here! My girls were never in a hurry...now it's all she thinks about now that she has since then met even MORE public school kids/friends.
Well, I can't change this...fine (not) but if she really is going to 'get outta here' the instant she turns 18 (like THEY all talk about) then I feel like a failure and I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces or what to do to help prepare her...
I'm so torn frustrated (and so are they) at knowing that life is learning etc...and the crazy unrelated things the education system requires of you to do anything...
To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as unschoolers we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of the questions they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior to their public school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of math etc.
I feel the coming of my daughter being mad at me blaming me in a couple years when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a bubble and compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is mixing w/ some of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the 'crap' that goes on with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed out' and finger pointed at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty year old instead of a teenager....just b/c she has been taught some morals....
anyway....i'm feeling that loss inching it's way too....empty nest syndrome...but that isn't what this is all about...it's there too naturally...but i'm frustrated with how to deal with unschool lifestyle teens vs/meets the mainstream teens....how to graduate/ged or is there something else she should be doing/taking? how do i go about any of it....and how do i prepare them in one year for things mainstream has been doing from k-12....how do i prepare them for the 'real world'....i say that in quotes b/c in our unschool life the 'real world' is truly 'real'---live life and learn what you need when and now.....yeah that sounds all sweet and true and how it should be and it makes sense!! but unfortunately the 'real world' is ruled by DOE and whatever other title the big wigs out there are called---the real world requires you to know how to basket weave to be a chef...the real world requires you to pass these crazy questions on a GED and manage thru life on campus etc....or how to 'really DO math' THEIR way.
My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous and you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic after all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for all of this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear they will resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them 'different'.....to top it off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no friends and the time went by so fast...always thought we'd get out of the area....so now that wonderful unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so great...it looks like IT is to blame for them not having all those friends that others have and it this lifestyle has caused them to feel very different from the other kids out there...even fellow unschoolers that we met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the other kids stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some amazing passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)
I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly I need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories? I mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in area with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c there were so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and teens are in school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do with the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on their own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss being younger too....
Tears...
Thank you in advance.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am a home-schooler who veers towards unschooling but doesn't have the courage to drop my structure completely. I feel like we miss out from the freedom and the opportunuity to really allow each person to be themselves, to make their own choices, and so on. I admire you for having the courage of your convictions and going for it!
My experience is that teens are never easy whatever you do! They are not sure what direction to go in, but if we decide for them we are robbing them I think.
Being a single Mum is never easy, or a married Mum who's husband doesn't get involved... that's not easy either. I think we just have to do the best we can each day, with whatever resources we do have of time energy and so on. Nobody does a 'refect job of parenting;' whatever a perfect job is anyway. I suppose we all want our kids to come out happy and knowing where they are going but that often takes a little longer.
My oldest two struggled in teen years, one of them in particular I really was very worried, but they are now in their early twenties and deeply grateful for what I have done for them, and I think they are both able to hold their own in the world now. They are true characters because I haven't squashed them.
I think if you can, talk to your girls, get ideas of what they want to do, even if just this week, don't think too far ahead. Just let them know you'll support them as much as you are able, but it's their life in the end!
I also think kids sometimes want to go to school but don't understand what a straight-jacket or pressure school is. DO they realise they would have so little free time and so few choices? One of mine wanted to go to school because he thought they made fudge at school!
YEs I miss the times whe n my kids were younger and things were relatively simple. But they ahve to grow up and the benefits when they are grown are enormous!
I'd say hang on in there and try to think it will all be worth it in a few years time!! Not easy I know. But don't beat yourself up for doing the best you could in hard circumstances.
I say well done to you!
My very best wishes to you!
LInda
To: [email protected]
From: scruffybc@...
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:34:55 +0000
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Unschooling Teens-feeling like I failed them
Hi Everyone!
I am not sure how to make this as short as possible or get 'my' story in written form...I just keep crying and my anxiety attacks are driving me crazy.
It's been a long road...
I'm a single mother (father not involved in pic at all)
The girls are teens now.
When they were little we were left in a rural area no homeschooling (let alone unschooling) support/friends at all.
I did the best I could.
I read about other's stories (life in hs/unschoolers lives) and I feel like we haven't done much...I didn't have a man influence and they weren't involved in big volunteer events or big projects like I've heard out there.
The time has gone by so fast and now they are 14 and 16. The last 2 years they have befriended a mainstream/public schooler....eversince my oldest seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that she NEVER had before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That is the main goal of most public schoolers---ASAP outta here! My girls were never in a hurry...now it's all she thinks about now that she has since then met even MORE public school kids/friends.
Well, I can't change this...fine (not) but if she really is going to 'get outta here' the instant she turns 18 (like THEY all talk about) then I feel like a failure and I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces or what to do to help prepare her...
I'm so torn frustrated (and so are they) at knowing that life is learning etc...and the crazy unrelated things the education system requires of you to do anything...
To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as unschoolers we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of the questions they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior to their public school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of math etc.
I feel the coming of my daughter being mad at me blaming me in a couple years when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a bubble and compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is mixing w/ some of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the 'crap' that goes on with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed out' and finger pointed at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty year old instead of a teenager....just b/c she has been taught some morals....
anyway....i'm feeling that loss inching it's way too....empty nest syndrome...but that isn't what this is all about...it's there too naturally...but i'm frustrated with how to deal with unschool lifestyle teens vs/meets the mainstream teens....how to graduate/ged or is there something else she should be doing/taking? how do i go about any of it....and how do i prepare them in one year for things mainstream has been doing from k-12....how do i prepare them for the 'real world'....i say that in quotes b/c in our unschool life the 'real world' is truly 'real'---live life and learn what you need when and now.....yeah that sounds all sweet and true and how it should be and it makes sense!! but unfortunately the 'real world' is ruled by DOE and whatever other title the big wigs out there are called---the real world requires you to know how to basket weave to be a chef...the real world requires you to pass these crazy questions on a GED and manage thru life on campus etc....or how to 'really DO math' THEIR way.
My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous and you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic after all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for all of this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear they will resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them 'different'.....to top it off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no friends and the time went by so fast...always thought we'd get out of the area....so now that wonderful unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so great...it looks like IT is to blame for them not having all those friends that others have and it this lifestyle has caused them to feel very different from the other kids out there...even fellow unschoolers that we met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the other kids stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some amazing passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)
I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly I need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories? I mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in area with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c there were so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and teens are in school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do with the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on their own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss being younger too....
Tears...
Thank you in advance.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
"I feel the coming of my daughter being mad at me blaming me in a couple years
when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a bubble and
compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is mixing w/ some
of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the 'crap' that goes on
with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed out' and finger pointed
at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty year old instead of a
teenager....just b/c she has been taught some morals...."
---------------------
This doesn't read as though you are looking to bridge the gap that is growing
between you and your eldest daughter. This reads as though you are working very
hard to justify the choices you made that she is now feeling limited by and
bound to. If it were me and Simon or Linnaea came to me feeling left out by the
choices that David and I have made, if they were feeling horrible for being odd,
I would apologise. I would probably tell them that the decisions that I made I
felt were done with the best of all intentions and I would ask them what I could
do to help them now.
Deciding that your daughter's complaints are all about the influence of both
being a teenager and her new friends isn't a particularly helpful approach.
Rather than looking for something to blame it on it would be much more effective
for you to look for things that you can do to help your daughter deal with both
having new friends and moving toward adulthood. What does she think would help
her to catch up with her friends? What kind of experiences would she like to
have? What kind of access to things would make a difference? Or is it not
something that can be solved, just something that acknowledging might help to
settle her mind?
-----------------
"My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous and
you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we
unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic after
all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for all of
this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear they will
resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them 'different'.....to top it
off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no friends and the time went by
so fast...always thought we'd get out of the area....so now that wonderful
unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so great...it looks like IT is to blame
for them not having all those friends that others have and it this lifestyle has
caused them to feel very different from the other kids out there...even fellow
unschoolers that we met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the
other kids stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different
things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some amazing
passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)"
--------------
I'm not sure what unschooling looks like from your perspective. We live fairly
rurally, Simon and Linnaea have a few friends and we go dancing once a week, but
mostly we are home, hanging out together, laughing and playing and watching
videos and television and chatting and finding things that engage us and walking
the dog and feeding the cats and sewing and knitting and making bread and trying
my hand at cheese, spray painting a desk, sharing stories, fixing meals for sick
friends. Our lives are quiet and fairly simple things. We have company come
sometimes. Friends from L.A. stayed for 2 weeks with a break of a few weeks
between each week and left on Monday. A cousin and uncle are coming next weekend
and then no long term visitors probably until April. It isn't a hermit's life,
but it is a life more rich in the company of each other than enriched by more
than us.
I work hard to help to my children achieve the things they want from video games
to segway riding to specific meals. I listen to them, I talk to them, I watch
them. So far, at 13 and 10, they are largely happy people. They aren't needy and
they are generous and kind and considerate. They have never been instructed in
morality, although I have worked to talk about how treating people kindly can
help them to enjoy you more. Most of their kindness comes from having
experienced a life filled with gentle kindness and generosity. If you can reach
with kindness and generosity to your girls now it will go a long way to help
them to feel kinder and more generous from today forward.
---------------
"I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly I
need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories? I
mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in area
with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c there were
so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and teens are in
school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie
games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do with
the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on their
own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss being younger
too...."
-------------------
I think maybe you are seeing lack where there is none. There are a fair number
of posters with older children. Maybe it feels like you are all alone because
you are looking for more stories of difficult teen years. Ronnie Maier writes a
blog that is filled with stories of her two teenaged
girls. http://sites.google.com/site/dragonflykaizen/unschooling-1 is a list of
the more specifically unschooling related things. Sandra Dodd's children are all
teens and older, Joyce Fetteroll's daughter is no longer a little girl. My two
are 10 and 13, both dancing with puberty. Your writing again looks like you are
looking for external explanations of why it isn't all smooth sailing with you.
-------------------
"To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you
graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED
online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as unschoolers
we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of the questions
they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior to their public
school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of math etc."
-------------------
If your daughters need to take a GED there are often courses at a local
community college to prepare them for it. I know that when Sandra Dodd's
children applied for jobs they filled in homeschooled for their educational
information. If the employer needed more information Sandra put together the
more information. http://sandradodd.com/teen/jobs has a few case studies in how
things have gone for other teenagers when they looked for employment. Here's
more stories about unschooled teens: http://sandradodd.com/teen/people
I think it is easy to feel afraid in the face of the whole wide world that you
haven't done enough. Sometimes what you haven't done feels so vast and what you
have done seems so little. Well, probably all the time that's true. There is so
much in the world to do and such a finite time to do it in. Rather than dwell in
a fearful whirlpool, look for ways to help your girls to do what they want to
do. Instead of going and seeing the GED as some insurmountable task that society
has set against your two girls, look for ways to either surmount the GED or ways
to get what they want without taking the GED. For example, going to community
college trumps a GED on a job application, even just one class.
When your daughter is unhappy be kind to her, just as you were, or wanted to be
when she was littler girl. Look for things that will lift her up. If she likes
makeup, a cool new palette of eyeshadow, or sitting and watching Lauren Luke
from South Shields do her fantastic makeup tutorials on youtube. I love her
voice. If she's excited by clothes go thrift shopping and play with clothes,
whatever it is that will help her feel fuller and less needy, go with that.
Connect, don't look for ways that it isn't about you, look for things that you
can do. And remember that however lost you may feel, your daughters may feel
similarly. Coddle and comfort them.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a bubble and
compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is mixing w/ some
of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the 'crap' that goes on
with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed out' and finger pointed
at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty year old instead of a
teenager....just b/c she has been taught some morals...."
---------------------
This doesn't read as though you are looking to bridge the gap that is growing
between you and your eldest daughter. This reads as though you are working very
hard to justify the choices you made that she is now feeling limited by and
bound to. If it were me and Simon or Linnaea came to me feeling left out by the
choices that David and I have made, if they were feeling horrible for being odd,
I would apologise. I would probably tell them that the decisions that I made I
felt were done with the best of all intentions and I would ask them what I could
do to help them now.
Deciding that your daughter's complaints are all about the influence of both
being a teenager and her new friends isn't a particularly helpful approach.
Rather than looking for something to blame it on it would be much more effective
for you to look for things that you can do to help your daughter deal with both
having new friends and moving toward adulthood. What does she think would help
her to catch up with her friends? What kind of experiences would she like to
have? What kind of access to things would make a difference? Or is it not
something that can be solved, just something that acknowledging might help to
settle her mind?
-----------------
"My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous and
you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we
unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic after
all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for all of
this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear they will
resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them 'different'.....to top it
off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no friends and the time went by
so fast...always thought we'd get out of the area....so now that wonderful
unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so great...it looks like IT is to blame
for them not having all those friends that others have and it this lifestyle has
caused them to feel very different from the other kids out there...even fellow
unschoolers that we met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the
other kids stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different
things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some amazing
passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)"
--------------
I'm not sure what unschooling looks like from your perspective. We live fairly
rurally, Simon and Linnaea have a few friends and we go dancing once a week, but
mostly we are home, hanging out together, laughing and playing and watching
videos and television and chatting and finding things that engage us and walking
the dog and feeding the cats and sewing and knitting and making bread and trying
my hand at cheese, spray painting a desk, sharing stories, fixing meals for sick
friends. Our lives are quiet and fairly simple things. We have company come
sometimes. Friends from L.A. stayed for 2 weeks with a break of a few weeks
between each week and left on Monday. A cousin and uncle are coming next weekend
and then no long term visitors probably until April. It isn't a hermit's life,
but it is a life more rich in the company of each other than enriched by more
than us.
I work hard to help to my children achieve the things they want from video games
to segway riding to specific meals. I listen to them, I talk to them, I watch
them. So far, at 13 and 10, they are largely happy people. They aren't needy and
they are generous and kind and considerate. They have never been instructed in
morality, although I have worked to talk about how treating people kindly can
help them to enjoy you more. Most of their kindness comes from having
experienced a life filled with gentle kindness and generosity. If you can reach
with kindness and generosity to your girls now it will go a long way to help
them to feel kinder and more generous from today forward.
---------------
"I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly I
need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories? I
mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in area
with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c there were
so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and teens are in
school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie
games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do with
the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on their
own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss being younger
too...."
-------------------
I think maybe you are seeing lack where there is none. There are a fair number
of posters with older children. Maybe it feels like you are all alone because
you are looking for more stories of difficult teen years. Ronnie Maier writes a
blog that is filled with stories of her two teenaged
girls. http://sites.google.com/site/dragonflykaizen/unschooling-1 is a list of
the more specifically unschooling related things. Sandra Dodd's children are all
teens and older, Joyce Fetteroll's daughter is no longer a little girl. My two
are 10 and 13, both dancing with puberty. Your writing again looks like you are
looking for external explanations of why it isn't all smooth sailing with you.
-------------------
"To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you
graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED
online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as unschoolers
we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of the questions
they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior to their public
school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of math etc."
-------------------
If your daughters need to take a GED there are often courses at a local
community college to prepare them for it. I know that when Sandra Dodd's
children applied for jobs they filled in homeschooled for their educational
information. If the employer needed more information Sandra put together the
more information. http://sandradodd.com/teen/jobs has a few case studies in how
things have gone for other teenagers when they looked for employment. Here's
more stories about unschooled teens: http://sandradodd.com/teen/people
I think it is easy to feel afraid in the face of the whole wide world that you
haven't done enough. Sometimes what you haven't done feels so vast and what you
have done seems so little. Well, probably all the time that's true. There is so
much in the world to do and such a finite time to do it in. Rather than dwell in
a fearful whirlpool, look for ways to help your girls to do what they want to
do. Instead of going and seeing the GED as some insurmountable task that society
has set against your two girls, look for ways to either surmount the GED or ways
to get what they want without taking the GED. For example, going to community
college trumps a GED on a job application, even just one class.
When your daughter is unhappy be kind to her, just as you were, or wanted to be
when she was littler girl. Look for things that will lift her up. If she likes
makeup, a cool new palette of eyeshadow, or sitting and watching Lauren Luke
from South Shields do her fantastic makeup tutorials on youtube. I love her
voice. If she's excited by clothes go thrift shopping and play with clothes,
whatever it is that will help her feel fuller and less needy, go with that.
Connect, don't look for ways that it isn't about you, look for things that you
can do. And remember that however lost you may feel, your daughters may feel
similarly. Coddle and comfort them.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
"My experience is that teens are never easy whatever you do! "
My experience is with unschooled teenagers is radically different from what you
write. My own 13 year old son is someone whose company I enjoy. I know a fair
number of teenaged unschooled folks and they are often very polite and
interesting and a pleasure to be around. It seems that having been trusted and
respected for much of their lives leads to being much more adept at riding
through one of many hormonally fuelled periods of life.
"I also think kids sometimes want to go to school but don't understand what a
straight-jacket or pressure school is. DO they realise they would have so little
free time and so few choices? One of mine wanted to go to school because he
thought they made fudge at school!"
Maybe they did make fudge at school.
There is a wonderful account by Heidi Snavley's son Kevin of his year of
choosing to go to
school: http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/07/unschool-v-school.html.
Dismissing your child's desire to go school as something whimsical or half-baked
isn't particularly respectful. Often younger children see school as something
fun and light and engaging in a way that those of us who have chosen not to send
them may argue isn't true. It is important to really explore what it is that
they are hoping to get from school and see if their desire to go to school stems
from something that can easily be offered to them within the home or a
homeschooling life. But a child who is allowed to freely make a choice about
going to school or not will have a very different experience than one that is
forced to go or one that is excluded from going.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Linda Panek <linda.panek@...>
Hi there,
I am a home-schooler who veers towards unschooling but doesn't have the courage
to drop my structure completely. I feel like we miss out from the freedom and
the opportunuity to really allow each person to be themselves, to make their own
choices, and so on. I admire you for having the courage of your convictions and
going for it!
My experience is that teens are never easy whatever you do! They are not sure
what direction to go in, but if we decide for them we are robbing them I think.
Being a single Mum is never easy, or a married Mum who's husband doesn't get
involved... that's not easy either. I think we just have to do the best we can
each day, with whatever resources we do have of time energy and so on. Nobody
does a 'refect job of parenting;' whatever a perfect job is anyway. I suppose we
all want our kids to come out happy and knowing where they are going but that
often takes a little longer.
My oldest two struggled in teen years, one of them in particular I really was
very worried, but they are now in their early twenties and deeply grateful for
what I have done for them, and I think they are both able to hold their own in
the world now. They are true characters because I haven't squashed them.
I think if you can, talk to your girls, get ideas of what they want to do, even
if just this week, don't think too far ahead. Just let them know you'll support
them as much as you are able, but it's their life in the end!
I also think kids sometimes want to go to school but don't understand what a
straight-jacket or pressure school is. DO they realise they would have so little
free time and so few choices? One of mine wanted to go to school because he
thought they made fudge at school!
YEs I miss the times whe n my kids were younger and things were relatively
simple. But they ahve to grow up and the benefits when they are grown are
enormous!
I'd say hang on in there and try to think it will all be worth it in a few years
time!! Not easy I know. But don't beat yourself up for doing the best you could
in hard circumstances.
I say well done to you!
My very best wishes to you!
LInda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My experience is with unschooled teenagers is radically different from what you
write. My own 13 year old son is someone whose company I enjoy. I know a fair
number of teenaged unschooled folks and they are often very polite and
interesting and a pleasure to be around. It seems that having been trusted and
respected for much of their lives leads to being much more adept at riding
through one of many hormonally fuelled periods of life.
"I also think kids sometimes want to go to school but don't understand what a
straight-jacket or pressure school is. DO they realise they would have so little
free time and so few choices? One of mine wanted to go to school because he
thought they made fudge at school!"
Maybe they did make fudge at school.
There is a wonderful account by Heidi Snavley's son Kevin of his year of
choosing to go to
school: http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/07/unschool-v-school.html.
Dismissing your child's desire to go school as something whimsical or half-baked
isn't particularly respectful. Often younger children see school as something
fun and light and engaging in a way that those of us who have chosen not to send
them may argue isn't true. It is important to really explore what it is that
they are hoping to get from school and see if their desire to go to school stems
from something that can easily be offered to them within the home or a
homeschooling life. But a child who is allowed to freely make a choice about
going to school or not will have a very different experience than one that is
forced to go or one that is excluded from going.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Linda Panek <linda.panek@...>
Hi there,
I am a home-schooler who veers towards unschooling but doesn't have the courage
to drop my structure completely. I feel like we miss out from the freedom and
the opportunuity to really allow each person to be themselves, to make their own
choices, and so on. I admire you for having the courage of your convictions and
going for it!
My experience is that teens are never easy whatever you do! They are not sure
what direction to go in, but if we decide for them we are robbing them I think.
Being a single Mum is never easy, or a married Mum who's husband doesn't get
involved... that's not easy either. I think we just have to do the best we can
each day, with whatever resources we do have of time energy and so on. Nobody
does a 'refect job of parenting;' whatever a perfect job is anyway. I suppose we
all want our kids to come out happy and knowing where they are going but that
often takes a little longer.
My oldest two struggled in teen years, one of them in particular I really was
very worried, but they are now in their early twenties and deeply grateful for
what I have done for them, and I think they are both able to hold their own in
the world now. They are true characters because I haven't squashed them.
I think if you can, talk to your girls, get ideas of what they want to do, even
if just this week, don't think too far ahead. Just let them know you'll support
them as much as you are able, but it's their life in the end!
I also think kids sometimes want to go to school but don't understand what a
straight-jacket or pressure school is. DO they realise they would have so little
free time and so few choices? One of mine wanted to go to school because he
thought they made fudge at school!
YEs I miss the times whe n my kids were younger and things were relatively
simple. But they ahve to grow up and the benefits when they are grown are
enormous!
I'd say hang on in there and try to think it will all be worth it in a few years
time!! Not easy I know. But don't beat yourself up for doing the best you could
in hard circumstances.
I say well done to you!
My very best wishes to you!
LInda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
otherstar
From: Linda Panek
Sent: Wednesday, October 20, 2010 3:34 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics] Unschooling Teens-feeling like I failed them
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sent: Wednesday, October 20, 2010 3:34 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics] Unschooling Teens-feeling like I failed them
>>>I also think kids sometimes want to go to school but don't understand what a straight-jacket or pressure school is. DO they realise they would have so little free time and so few choices?<<<School isn't some big bad scary place. Yes, there are trade offs if a child is in school. A kid can go to school and still have free time if they don't sign up for a ton of extra curricular activities. A kid can still have free time if a parent is their advocate. I am not saying that school is great but I am also not saying that it is horrible. Some kids benefit greatly from going to school. My nephew gets to take choir and drama, which is something that his mom can't afford outside of school. I get annoyed with how there seems to be a large homeschooling/unschooling population that paints school out to be a really evil place that should be avoided at all costs. It is just another choice that comes with advantages and disadvantages. My sister has her children in school but she is still their advocate. She doesn't think twice about setting the school straight when it comes to her kids. If there is something that her kids need from the school, she makes sure they get it. If a kid goes to school and likes it, that's great. If a kid goes to school and hates it, then there is always the option of them going back to homeschooling. There is a huge difference between a kid that is in school because he or she wants to be there and a kid that is being forced to go. If mom is emotionally absent and depressed, then unschooling might not be the best choice because it does require a parent to be physically and emotionally present.
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
As hard as it is to be 40-something and a single Mom, it is even harder to be a teenager. And to run up against some teens who seem to have it all figured out. . . that's not helping.
One public school thing my DD is taking this semester (all her choice, believe me! :) ) is some sort of career guidance course. She's in 10th grade at the local charter school.
This course started with having the kids do a budget. And it was overwhelming. They went through all the adult decisions we all make -- insurance and car choice and housing costs and groceries and all those other decisions/costs we juggle all the time.
I believe the point was to tell the kids to "stay in school and get a college degree and thereby get a good job and life will be just peachy."
But the lesson DD took home was that she's not ready to move out into the real world and won't be for a long time. My part of the conversation was to reassure her that she never has to leave and I hope she stays for a long, long time.
I don't know exactly how that might fit in your discussions with your daughters but I think the public school kids they are hanging out with are misinterpreting the message they are getting. At least from school. Maybe they are being told to get out of their home by their parents. This, sadly, does happen.
As for the rest of it, talk to them. See what they want to do. Do they want to try an online class? Get a job? Volunteer? I don't know what practical options you have near you but getting out into the world and/or continuing to homeschool with a goal in mind -- one they figure out -- might give them a taste of what leaving home would be like.
To me, this is one of the nice parts of living as unschoolers. The kids are making decisions for themselves more and more, trying things in the full knowledge that they can always stop if it doesn't work but generally being very committed to whatever they choose because it is their choice. And that we support them in every way.
Nance
One public school thing my DD is taking this semester (all her choice, believe me! :) ) is some sort of career guidance course. She's in 10th grade at the local charter school.
This course started with having the kids do a budget. And it was overwhelming. They went through all the adult decisions we all make -- insurance and car choice and housing costs and groceries and all those other decisions/costs we juggle all the time.
I believe the point was to tell the kids to "stay in school and get a college degree and thereby get a good job and life will be just peachy."
But the lesson DD took home was that she's not ready to move out into the real world and won't be for a long time. My part of the conversation was to reassure her that she never has to leave and I hope she stays for a long, long time.
I don't know exactly how that might fit in your discussions with your daughters but I think the public school kids they are hanging out with are misinterpreting the message they are getting. At least from school. Maybe they are being told to get out of their home by their parents. This, sadly, does happen.
As for the rest of it, talk to them. See what they want to do. Do they want to try an online class? Get a job? Volunteer? I don't know what practical options you have near you but getting out into the world and/or continuing to homeschool with a goal in mind -- one they figure out -- might give them a taste of what leaving home would be like.
To me, this is one of the nice parts of living as unschoolers. The kids are making decisions for themselves more and more, trying things in the full knowledge that they can always stop if it doesn't work but generally being very committed to whatever they choose because it is their choice. And that we support them in every way.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "stephanie" <scruffybc@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Everyone!
> I am not sure how to make this as short as possible or get 'my' story in written form...I just keep crying and my anxiety attacks are driving me crazy.
>
> It's been a long road...
> I'm a single mother (father not involved in pic at all)
> The girls are teens now.
> When they were little we were left in a rural area no homeschooling (let alone unschooling) support/friends at all.
> I did the best I could.
> I read about other's stories (life in hs/unschoolers lives) and I feel like we haven't done much...I didn't have a man influence and they weren't involved in big volunteer events or big projects like I've heard out there.
>
> The time has gone by so fast and now they are 14 and 16. The last 2 years they have befriended a mainstream/public schooler....eversince my oldest seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that she NEVER had before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That is the main goal of most public schoolers---ASAP outta here! My girls were never in a hurry...now it's all she thinks about now that she has since then met even MORE public school kids/friends.
>
> Well, I can't change this...fine (not) but if she really is going to 'get outta here' the instant she turns 18 (like THEY all talk about) then I feel like a failure and I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces or what to do to help prepare her...
>
> I'm so torn frustrated (and so are they) at knowing that life is learning etc...and the crazy unrelated things the education system requires of you to do anything...
>
> To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as unschoolers we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of the questions they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior to their public school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of math etc.
>
> I feel the coming of my daughter being mad at me blaming me in a couple years when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a bubble and compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is mixing w/ some of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the 'crap' that goes on with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed out' and finger pointed at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty year old instead of a teenager....just b/c she has been taught some morals....
>
> anyway....i'm feeling that loss inching it's way too....empty nest syndrome...but that isn't what this is all about...it's there too naturally...but i'm frustrated with how to deal with unschool lifestyle teens vs/meets the mainstream teens....how to graduate/ged or is there something else she should be doing/taking? how do i go about any of it....and how do i prepare them in one year for things mainstream has been doing from k-12....how do i prepare them for the 'real world'....i say that in quotes b/c in our unschool life the 'real world' is truly 'real'---live life and learn what you need when and now.....yeah that sounds all sweet and true and how it should be and it makes sense!! but unfortunately the 'real world' is ruled by DOE and whatever other title the big wigs out there are called---the real world requires you to know how to basket weave to be a chef...the real world requires you to pass these crazy questions on a GED and manage thru life on campus etc....or how to 'really DO math' THEIR way.
>
> My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous and you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic after all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for all of this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear they will resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them 'different'.....to top it off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no friends and the time went by so fast...always thought we'd get out of the area....so now that wonderful unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so great...it looks like IT is to blame for them not having all those friends that others have and it this lifestyle has caused them to feel very different from the other kids out there...even fellow unschoolers that we met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the other kids stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some amazing passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)
>
> I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly I need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories? I mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in area with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c there were so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and teens are in school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do with the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on their own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss being younger too....
>
> Tears...
> Thank you in advance.
>
JJ
Both Schuyler and Nance said what I would say, except better. :)
I wish I knew how to convey the dramatic difference between the conventional view of the teen years (even as most teens themselves see it) and what my family has experienced as lifelong unschoolers. Our children are now 20 and 15. I know how unbelievable this will sound but never ONCE, honestly, have they had what conventional society considers a "typical" teen moment. I have a hard time believing it myself, and it's hard to explain without feeling like you're bragging. It is SO wonderful.
Our daughter started fulltime "school" at the community college by her own choice, at age 15. No academic preparation for it at all, no SAT or other testing -- although she did dance with a private company for several years and it was set up in a typically schoolish, conformist way. I think about how that may have influenced her attitudes toward institutional demands and conformity, but what I think doesn't matter that much, because it really always was her own choice whether to keep doing it, how to handle it and how to leave (which she finally did.) She learned a lot about authority and comformity in groups, how to accommodate conflict and when to go along versus when to take a stand. She learned about what she wanted enough to compromise on things that didn't matter that much, and what she would not accept no matter what -- and that most of her peers didn't see the world as she did. A valuable lesson for sure!
Btw I was thoroughly schooled myself and even earned an education doctorate in my 20s, but it doesn't compare to what I've learned from my kids, unschooling with them. I heard Margaret Mead's daughter Dr. Bateson interviewed on NPR the other day about her new book:
http://www.ikedacenter.org/thinkers/bateson_int.htm
She's about 70 now and learns from her teen grandchildren, which she says is a key lesson for THEM to learn, that they can teach. It changes their self-image as a passive receptable like too many other teens, and therefore it changes your relationship with them. ANd that makes a big difference for everyone.
I wish I knew how to convey the dramatic difference between the conventional view of the teen years (even as most teens themselves see it) and what my family has experienced as lifelong unschoolers. Our children are now 20 and 15. I know how unbelievable this will sound but never ONCE, honestly, have they had what conventional society considers a "typical" teen moment. I have a hard time believing it myself, and it's hard to explain without feeling like you're bragging. It is SO wonderful.
Our daughter started fulltime "school" at the community college by her own choice, at age 15. No academic preparation for it at all, no SAT or other testing -- although she did dance with a private company for several years and it was set up in a typically schoolish, conformist way. I think about how that may have influenced her attitudes toward institutional demands and conformity, but what I think doesn't matter that much, because it really always was her own choice whether to keep doing it, how to handle it and how to leave (which she finally did.) She learned a lot about authority and comformity in groups, how to accommodate conflict and when to go along versus when to take a stand. She learned about what she wanted enough to compromise on things that didn't matter that much, and what she would not accept no matter what -- and that most of her peers didn't see the world as she did. A valuable lesson for sure!
Btw I was thoroughly schooled myself and even earned an education doctorate in my 20s, but it doesn't compare to what I've learned from my kids, unschooling with them. I heard Margaret Mead's daughter Dr. Bateson interviewed on NPR the other day about her new book:
http://www.ikedacenter.org/thinkers/bateson_int.htm
She's about 70 now and learns from her teen grandchildren, which she says is a key lesson for THEM to learn, that they can teach. It changes their self-image as a passive receptable like too many other teens, and therefore it changes your relationship with them. ANd that makes a big difference for everyone.
JJ
Our son at 15 now, isn't interested in or imo ready at all for "school" either as high school or community college. He is engaged and happy both at home and in many activities but much less aware of or able so far to handle, the complex social pressures that Favorite Daughter took on at the same age. Which is fine too --
> Our daughter started fulltime "school" at the community college by her own choice, at age 15. No academic preparation for it at all, no SAT or other testing -- although she did dance with a private company for several years and it was set up in a typically schoolish, conformist way. I think about how that may have influenced her attitudes toward institutional demands and conformity, but what I think doesn't matter that much, because it really always was her own choice whether to keep doing it, how to handle it and how to leave (which she finally did.) She learned a lot about authority and comformity in groups, how to accommodate conflict and when to go along versus when to take a stand. She learned about what she wanted enough to compromise on things that didn't matter that much, and what she would not accept no matter what -- and that most of her peers didn't see the world as she did. A valuable lesson for sure!
plaidpanties666
"stephanie" <scruffybc@...> wrote:
Its the goal of a lot of people who grow up in small towns, too - that's not necessarily a "school" thing so much as a matter of people wanting more choices than what's available. If you moved out to a rural area thinking your kids would love it there and stay forever, then you goofed, you didn't look at the data. But that's not a catastrophe, it't time to adjust your mindset - you kids want more than what you have where you are, how can you help them get that?
Here's the good bit - since they're not in school, they don't have to wait for that "more" like their friends do. The catch is, you're the parent; its up to you to help them get what they want right now, not two to four years from now.
It might be good to look into unschooling conferences, campouts, events like Not Back to School Camp, music festivals, and whatnot. What kinds of things do your kids like? Find ways to travel to see/do those things - either as a family or as individuals.
That may involve some creative financing - looking for people to ride with and stay with, looking for work-exchange options for festivals, scholarships for conferences and camps. Do you have extended family you can ask for help? Either with finances or as places for your kids to crash while travelling? Those are things to look into.
Why wait, though? Remember, this is one of the Good Parts of home/unschooling, they're not stuck in school all day. They Don't need a diploma or GED to look for work or take classes right Now, at 14 and 16. What they do need is help - its harder for kids to find jobs. They'll need your help looking and help with things like transportation. They may also need your help looking into adult or community college classes. And once they have some real college credits, the question stops being "did you graduate/GED?" and becomes "do these credits transfer?". Job experience, too, looks great when applying anywhere - to college Or another job. There are plenty of kids with diplomas and no skills.
Take some time to grieve, don't just shrug and say "fine (not)" actually take some time to mourn the loss of your fantasy family life. And then set that fantasy aside so that you can figure out what your real kids really need from you.
What does she Want to do or take?
If she doesn't know and you don't know, maybe school would be better. You've fallen down a little in terms of doing the research - maybe because you haven't had time or support, but the reasons don't really matter. As I said before, having blown it doesn't mean you have to keep on blowing it. Do some research. Contact area homeschool groups for specific information about graduation requirements. If your dd wants to take the GED, help her - get practice tests and look for classes if you don't think you can help personally. Also check local laws about the GED - some places you can't take it before you're 18 anyway, so you may find its easier to jump through the graduation hoops, whatever they may be - in my area there really aren't any, my umbrella program merely prints out a "diploma" for a small fee. Tada. But if you don't live in TN, that doesn't help you!
Here's a good all purpose link on teens:
http://sandradodd.com/teen/
and one on single parenting:
http://sandradodd.com/singleparent
---Meredith (Mo 9, Ray 17)
>my oldest seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that she NEVER had before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That is the main goal of most public schoolers***************
Its the goal of a lot of people who grow up in small towns, too - that's not necessarily a "school" thing so much as a matter of people wanting more choices than what's available. If you moved out to a rural area thinking your kids would love it there and stay forever, then you goofed, you didn't look at the data. But that's not a catastrophe, it't time to adjust your mindset - you kids want more than what you have where you are, how can you help them get that?
Here's the good bit - since they're not in school, they don't have to wait for that "more" like their friends do. The catch is, you're the parent; its up to you to help them get what they want right now, not two to four years from now.
It might be good to look into unschooling conferences, campouts, events like Not Back to School Camp, music festivals, and whatnot. What kinds of things do your kids like? Find ways to travel to see/do those things - either as a family or as individuals.
That may involve some creative financing - looking for people to ride with and stay with, looking for work-exchange options for festivals, scholarships for conferences and camps. Do you have extended family you can ask for help? Either with finances or as places for your kids to crash while travelling? Those are things to look into.
>> (like THEY all talk about)You make several comments that are very dismissive of teens - I can't help but think that you need to do some deschooling about the teen years! Its really normal for parents to discover ourselves deschooling bits or our past as our kids get to ages that were important to Us when we were that age - old baggage comes up and needs to be worked through.
> To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see you graduated HS or have GED*************
Why wait, though? Remember, this is one of the Good Parts of home/unschooling, they're not stuck in school all day. They Don't need a diploma or GED to look for work or take classes right Now, at 14 and 16. What they do need is help - its harder for kids to find jobs. They'll need your help looking and help with things like transportation. They may also need your help looking into adult or community college classes. And once they have some real college credits, the question stops being "did you graduate/GED?" and becomes "do these credits transfer?". Job experience, too, looks great when applying anywhere - to college Or another job. There are plenty of kids with diplomas and no skills.
> then I feel like a failureAll that being said... brace yourself. Maybe you *have* failed in your original goals or dreams, but that doesn't mean you have to keep those goals/dreams or go on failing. You can start afresh, think about what's important in terms of your relationship with your kids. Dream new dreams. Will you stop loving your kids if they move away? Probably not, but will your Resent them? It sounds as though you might, and that's something for you to work on Now. You don't have to think that a good relationship means your kids live next door - time to broaden your thinking. How can you go build a partnership with people who may not stay right there at your side for very much longer? That's the important thing.
Take some time to grieve, don't just shrug and say "fine (not)" actually take some time to mourn the loss of your fantasy family life. And then set that fantasy aside so that you can figure out what your real kids really need from you.
>how to graduate/ged or is there something else she should be doing/taking?**********
What does she Want to do or take?
If she doesn't know and you don't know, maybe school would be better. You've fallen down a little in terms of doing the research - maybe because you haven't had time or support, but the reasons don't really matter. As I said before, having blown it doesn't mean you have to keep on blowing it. Do some research. Contact area homeschool groups for specific information about graduation requirements. If your dd wants to take the GED, help her - get practice tests and look for classes if you don't think you can help personally. Also check local laws about the GED - some places you can't take it before you're 18 anyway, so you may find its easier to jump through the graduation hoops, whatever they may be - in my area there really aren't any, my umbrella program merely prints out a "diploma" for a small fee. Tada. But if you don't live in TN, that doesn't help you!
>>Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories?There are single parents who home/unschool but not very many - for reasons that are probably pretty obvious to you ;) If you wait a couple days a few may come out of the woodwork (they won't have as much time online, though so it may take a few days!). Also do a search through the archives for "single mom" and see what comes up.
Here's a good all purpose link on teens:
http://sandradodd.com/teen/
and one on single parenting:
http://sandradodd.com/singleparent
---Meredith (Mo 9, Ray 17)
The Coffee Goddess
>>Its the goal of a lot of people who grow up in small towns, too - that's notI was going to say something like this, too....I sounds like you're taking it
>>necessarily a "school" thing so much as a matter of people wanting more choices
>>than what's available. If you moved out to a rural area thinking your kids
>>would love it there and stay forever, then you goofed, you didn't look at the
>>data. But that's not a catastrophe, it't time to adjust your mindset - you kids
>>want more than what you have where you are, how can you help them get that?>>
personally that your kids are bored with where you live and that you begrudge
them excitement and new adventures! I have a late teen, and early teen, and a
toddler, all always unschooled. My late teen just got back from Japan, is
taking a couple of classes at the local community college (with no high school
diploma or GED, and FOR FREE...yay, washington state programs!) and then is off
to Thailand at the end of December. My early teen is always chatting with
people elsewhere, visiting friends in other states or across the border in
Canada. He also loves to go to the big city and hang out, find his way around,
meet up with friends. I know they want to explore the world! I want to HELP
them do that! They are wonderful people, don't have a "rebellious" bone in
their bodies, as they've always had me there to help them get what they want.
My young teen is thinking he may want to do a culinary arts program (again for
free) through the community college/technical colleges in the state, and I told
him you pick out the best school for it, and we'll move there for 2 years.
What's two years? What's a house rental? Let your kids know you're willing to
go out of your way to help them explore the world, and be HAPPY about it :)
Dana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
On Tue, Oct 19, 2010 at 8:34 AM, stephanie <scruffybc@...> wrote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dismissive. It will get in the way of really figuring out what is bothering
your child.
My oldest was the exact same way when we lived in a rural town. It was too
small for her. She craved the big world and big world experiences. Our
little PA town of 500 didn't offer the depth and scope of people or the
array of experiences she needed/wanted. She wanted me to emancipate her so
she could travel at 12! We decided as a family that we needed to move, She
is very happy and a whole different person in Portland.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
feelings, ideas of your teens. There are no pieces to pick up, it sounds
more like it is where you are not who you are. Though you are in danger of
becoming an unbarable mom if you keep taking it personally. A good reminder
is QTIP---Quit Taking It Personally.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED
online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as
unschoolers we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of
the questions they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior
to their public school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of
math etc.
***So much comes up in life, but its also true that certain things may not
come up. My dd13 tried school after having been always unschooled. She
caught up to where her age peers were in 2 weeks or less. You can get some
sample tests online and have the girls practice them. There is also 6-8 week
GED classes.
I also have found it not true that you need a GED or diploma to get a job.
Most of the money making endeavors both my husband or I have been involved
with have never required any sort of "educational" background. SO I think
that really depends. I have heard that many unschoolers go to college and
can only imagine that they and their parents figured out a way to manage
that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
doesn't mean it is truth. Stop worrying about these other influences and be
the mother your children need.
You are talking about a possibility a "what-if". Live in the moment now,
what do your daughters need? It sounds like they want more BIG experiences.
Can you find ways to make that happen? For us that was trips to visit
friends in other places, both with the family and by herself. There are
programs like Unschooling Adventure where groups of unschooled teens travel
to other countries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
chefs and I don't know any that had to basket weave. Most were self taught
through a passion for cooking. These all sound like things that shed light
on a need for de-schooling.
Helping children grow in their independence is a process. I have a 13 year
old. She is well versed at the public transportation in the city that we
just moved to. At first she was nervous and found a friend to ride with and
show her the ropes. Now (after a month) she is able to ride by herself and
figure things out. We use to let her drive our car in our driveway and yard
(in the little town). I know that she will have a series of car driving
experiences to build up to that moment of driving by herself. My kids all
cook to varying degrees according to ability and interest. As my dd13 gets
older she has asked for more knowledge pertaining to self care. I know she
is capable of doing any house chore.
Have you talked to you daughters to find out what they would like to know in
order to be prepared for moving out? Or what they might find helpful to make
their next couple of years more pleasant until they can leave?
Our house is open to all my kids friends. We frequently have schooled, home
schooled and unschooled kids over. I try to make my childrens home welcoming
to them and their friends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
were stuck in our rural house for a while. When we started to realize that
that place was now right for us we came up with a plan to move. It took us
about a year. We had to work together to do it but we were able to move. We
are now in our second month in a new place, a wonderful urban location full
of places to explore and a wonderful supportive unschooling community.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
town that was too small to meet her needs. I drove a lot. We took lots of
road trips. I have 3 kids (13, 7 and 3) so that was s lot to give but she
needed it. We don't have a lot of income but we managed what we could when
we could. I drove her almost 2 hours each way to see her closest friend in
another rural town (slightly bigger than ours). I drove her into the nearby
cities to do fun stuff when we could, 1-2 hours each way. It is a lot to
give but we found it very necessary.
I am not a single mama anymore but I have been. I found that worked best
when I had a great support system. I am not sure what you would need to do
but consider moving.
Faith
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> .***Why is this important to you?
>
> I read about other's stories (life in hs/unschoolers lives) and I feel like
> we haven't done much...I didn't have a man influence and they weren't
> involved in big volunteer events or big projects like I've heard out there.
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>***First I think that calling something a "teen-ager attitude" is
> The time has gone by so fast and now they are 14 and 16. The last 2 years
> they have befriended a mainstream/public schooler....eversince my oldest
> seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that she NEVER had
> before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That is the
> main goal of most public schoolers---ASAP outta here! My girls were never in
> a hurry...now it's all she thinks about now that she has since then met even
> MORE public school kids/friends.
>
dismissive. It will get in the way of really figuring out what is bothering
your child.
My oldest was the exact same way when we lived in a rural town. It was too
small for her. She craved the big world and big world experiences. Our
little PA town of 500 didn't offer the depth and scope of people or the
array of experiences she needed/wanted. She wanted me to emancipate her so
she could travel at 12! We decided as a family that we needed to move, She
is very happy and a whole different person in Portland.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>***These are your feelings, they are not necessarily the true thoughts,
> Well, I can't change this...fine (not) but if she really is going to 'get
> outta here' the instant she turns 18 (like THEY all talk about) then I feel
> like a failure and I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces or what
> to do to help prepare her...
>
feelings, ideas of your teens. There are no pieces to pick up, it sounds
more like it is where you are not who you are. Though you are in danger of
becoming an unbarable mom if you keep taking it personally. A good reminder
is QTIP---Quit Taking It Personally.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see
> I'm so torn frustrated (and so are they) at knowing that life is learning
> etc...and the crazy unrelated things the education system requires of you to
> do anything...
>
you graduated HS or have GED. We have looked at sample questions etc of GED
online----my god who can answer half of these questions? and if as
unschoolers we don't 'do school' we certainly have not covered even half of
the questions they ask. My daughters are worried now...also feeling inferior
to their public school friends who know what some basic labels/know how of
math etc.
***So much comes up in life, but its also true that certain things may not
come up. My dd13 tried school after having been always unschooled. She
caught up to where her age peers were in 2 weeks or less. You can get some
sample tests online and have the girls practice them. There is also 6-8 week
GED classes.
I also have found it not true that you need a GED or diploma to get a job.
Most of the money making endeavors both my husband or I have been involved
with have never required any sort of "educational" background. SO I think
that really depends. I have heard that many unschoolers go to college and
can only imagine that they and their parents figured out a way to manage
that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>***Feelings and thoughts are not always real. Just because you think it
> I feel the coming of my daughter being mad at me blaming me in a couple
> years when she DOES go out there on her own.....how I must've kept her in a
> bubble and compares herself to the mainstream. I feel like now that she is
> mixing w/ some of these kids and getting an 'earful' also of some of the
> 'crap' that goes on with this age---she can't seem to relate and has 'missed
> out' and finger pointed at me for her being so 'different' and like a forty
> year old instead of a teenager....just b/c she has been taught some
> morals....
>
doesn't mean it is truth. Stop worrying about these other influences and be
the mother your children need.
You are talking about a possibility a "what-if". Live in the moment now,
what do your daughters need? It sounds like they want more BIG experiences.
Can you find ways to make that happen? For us that was trips to visit
friends in other places, both with the family and by herself. There are
programs like Unschooling Adventure where groups of unschooled teens travel
to other countries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>*** There are parts of real life that require none of that. I know many
> anyway....i'm feeling that loss inching it's way too....empty nest
> syndrome...but that isn't what this is all about...it's there too
> naturally...but i'm frustrated with how to deal with unschool lifestyle
> teens vs/meets the mainstream teens....how to graduate/ged or is there
> something else she should be doing/taking? how do i go about any of
> it....and how do i prepare them in one year for things mainstream has been
> doing from k-12....how do i prepare them for the 'real world'....i say that
> in quotes b/c in our unschool life the 'real world' is truly 'real'---live
> life and learn what you need when and now.....yeah that sounds all sweet and
> true and how it should be and it makes sense!! but unfortunately the 'real
> world' is ruled by DOE and whatever other title the big wigs out there are
> called---the real world requires you to know how to basket weave to be a
> chef...the real world requires you to pass these crazy questions on a GED
> and manage thru life on campus etc....or how to 'really DO math' THEIR way.
>
chefs and I don't know any that had to basket weave. Most were self taught
through a passion for cooking. These all sound like things that shed light
on a need for de-schooling.
Helping children grow in their independence is a process. I have a 13 year
old. She is well versed at the public transportation in the city that we
just moved to. At first she was nervous and found a friend to ride with and
show her the ropes. Now (after a month) she is able to ride by herself and
figure things out. We use to let her drive our car in our driveway and yard
(in the little town). I know that she will have a series of car driving
experiences to build up to that moment of driving by herself. My kids all
cook to varying degrees according to ability and interest. As my dd13 gets
older she has asked for more knowledge pertaining to self care. I know she
is capable of doing any house chore.
Have you talked to you daughters to find out what they would like to know in
order to be prepared for moving out? Or what they might find helpful to make
their next couple of years more pleasant until they can leave?
Our house is open to all my kids friends. We frequently have schooled, home
schooled and unschooled kids over. I try to make my childrens home welcoming
to them and their friends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>***This is a rhetorical question, by why are you "stuck"? We felt like we
> My girls and I totally agree that so many of these things are ridiculous
> and you don't even use half of these things in 'real life'....but when we
> unschoolers speak of the real world i am seeing that it isn't realistic
> after all....sadly!!! So, how do and what do i teach/do? where do i go for
> all of this? i feel like i have failed them in so many ways now....i am fear
> they will resent me for 'homeschooling' them and making them
> 'different'.....to top it off, we ended up 'stuck' rural area no support no
> friends and the time went by so fast...always thought we'd get out of the
> area....so now that wonderful unschool/homeschool life doesn't look so
> great...it looks like IT is to blame for them not having all those friends
> that others have and it this lifestyle has caused them to feel very
> different from the other kids out there...even fellow unschoolers that we
> met at a conference we got to manage attending ONCE. the other kids
> stories---they all seem to have friends and very active in different
> things...even if it were just scouts or something. or they all have some
> amazing passion that they have mastered (dance, karate, music.....etc)
>
were stuck in our rural house for a while. When we started to realize that
that place was now right for us we came up with a plan to move. It took us
about a year. We had to work together to do it but we were able to move. We
are now in our second month in a new place, a wonderful urban location full
of places to explore and a wonderful supportive unschooling community.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>***I noticed that my daughter struggled with depression when we were in a
> I need to help my daughters and I don't know where to begin or what exactly
> I need. Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories?
> I mostly see posts from families who have both parents, lots of friends in
> area with groups/people, and with younger children. It was easier then b/c
> there were so many 'childrens' activities out there...but older kids and
> teens are in school getting activities etc....and those lil fun cutsie
> games/activities/experiments are just not exciting to teens...what to do
> with the older ones? Especially, since they can't even think of interests on
> their own either---i sense a lil depression hitting them too. They miss
> being younger too....
>
town that was too small to meet her needs. I drove a lot. We took lots of
road trips. I have 3 kids (13, 7 and 3) so that was s lot to give but she
needed it. We don't have a lot of income but we managed what we could when
we could. I drove her almost 2 hours each way to see her closest friend in
another rural town (slightly bigger than ours). I drove her into the nearby
cities to do fun stuff when we could, 1-2 hours each way. It is a lot to
give but we found it very necessary.
I am not a single mama anymore but I have been. I found that worked best
when I had a great support system. I am not sure what you would need to do
but consider moving.
Faith
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Lovejoy
-----Original Message-----
"stephanie" <scruffybc@...> wrote:
is the main goal of most public schoolers
-=-=-=-=-
Ya' know, it's the goal of MOST children.
That's what they're supPOSED to do. The great thing about home/unschooling is that we get to enjoy their child/teenhoods.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
That's just NOT true. Many colleges---especially community colleges---have classes specifically FOR highschoolers. And many accept highschoolers for regular classes with permission.
As for jobs---seriously: how many jobs require a diploma? There's a HUGE number of jobs tailor-made for the under-18 crowd. Cameron's first job was with a locally owned deli. He also worked as a babysitter, as a house/petsitter, for an electronics-repair business, as a (paid) drummer in a band, on the floor for a caterer and later in the kitchen for the same caterer, for a moving company, and as a housepainter/handyman---all before he was 17/18 and before he was "graduated." I'm sure there were other jobs (many he held at the same time).
He never took the GED. I *just* made him a transcript and a diploma (for a talk I was giving on diplomas and transcripts---NOT for any job!). He's 22 and has never been asked for proof of a GED or diploma. He's never needed it. He's sat in on classes at the University of South Carolina because he knew the professor and asked. He's worked at Not Back to School Camp and the East Tennessee Unschoolers' Summer Camp as a counselor/kitchen staff/first aid staff. He's worked on several organic farms for months at a time. He's working now for Unschool Adventures and has put on his own unschooling conference (The Autodidact Symposium).
Never did he lack of a diploma/GED hold him back.
-==-=-=-=-=-
Well, maybe you did. We can't know.
Did you offer cool things? Did you strew cool things? Did you take them to cool places?
Were you interested and interesting? Did you feed passions?
You don't need to answer these things here. You can think about them long and hard at home.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Each state has its own laws as to what's required to graduate. GED is simple to prepare for: there are books galore as well as websites and practice tests.
More important is to find a passion and run with it.
Have they considered Not Back to School Camp or The East Tennessee Unschoolers' Summer Camp? Meeting tons of other unschoolers helps SOOO much! Cameron (the 22 year old above) felt stuck until he went to camp and saw all those other kids who were so passionate and super-charged. He came away a different person---full of ideas and excitement.
Conferences and NonCons are also a great way to meet other unschoolers. There's one near you---guaranteed: they're everywhere now! They need to see kids in the same boat who are THRIVING and unstoppable!
-==-=-=-=-=-=-
We're here and there. There's a LOT of us. But I'd say that many of us don't need the lists as much as we did years ago.
And we have proof it works now!
I have Cameron (22) and Duncan (14.5). Duncan's a bit of a homebody (seems typical) with few outside interests. But I can see that changing now. You saw some of Cameron's interests above---plus he's an avid traveler and is writing a novel. But at 14, he was skateboarding and IMing most of the days. He's serious about not accepting $$ from us anymore and wants to establish his own home now. It's hard to see him go, but I know that I've done what I'm supposed to do---he's supposed to move out and be on his own.
Duncan's on the computer a lot but has recently shown an interest in traveling more. He has all the time in the world, so we feed whatever passion he's into at the moment.
Because I'm not needed as much, I have more time for my passions. That also means I'm not on the lists as I used to be.
There are more single parents than you'd think. There's a yahoogroup: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingSingleParents/ It's not very active, but each group is as active as its members, so you could drum up some chat if you wanted to.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"stephanie" <scruffybc@...> wrote:
>my oldest seems to be of that mindset (w/ hint of teenage attitude that sheNEVER had before) "can't wait to get out of here....move away..." etc etc. That
is the main goal of most public schoolers
-=-=-=-=-
Ya' know, it's the goal of MOST children.
That's what they're supPOSED to do. The great thing about home/unschooling is that we get to enjoy their child/teenhoods.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> To be accepted to college etc or just get a job PERIOD---they want to see yougraduated HS or have GED
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
That's just NOT true. Many colleges---especially community colleges---have classes specifically FOR highschoolers. And many accept highschoolers for regular classes with permission.
As for jobs---seriously: how many jobs require a diploma? There's a HUGE number of jobs tailor-made for the under-18 crowd. Cameron's first job was with a locally owned deli. He also worked as a babysitter, as a house/petsitter, for an electronics-repair business, as a (paid) drummer in a band, on the floor for a caterer and later in the kitchen for the same caterer, for a moving company, and as a housepainter/handyman---all before he was 17/18 and before he was "graduated." I'm sure there were other jobs (many he held at the same time).
He never took the GED. I *just* made him a transcript and a diploma (for a talk I was giving on diplomas and transcripts---NOT for any job!). He's 22 and has never been asked for proof of a GED or diploma. He's never needed it. He's sat in on classes at the University of South Carolina because he knew the professor and asked. He's worked at Not Back to School Camp and the East Tennessee Unschoolers' Summer Camp as a counselor/kitchen staff/first aid staff. He's worked on several organic farms for months at a time. He's working now for Unschool Adventures and has put on his own unschooling conference (The Autodidact Symposium).
Never did he lack of a diploma/GED hold him back.
-==-=-=-=-=-
> then I feel like a failure<-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Well, maybe you did. We can't know.
Did you offer cool things? Did you strew cool things? Did you take them to cool places?
Were you interested and interesting? Did you feed passions?
You don't need to answer these things here. You can think about them long and hard at home.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>how to graduate/ged or is there something else she should be doing/taking? \-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Each state has its own laws as to what's required to graduate. GED is simple to prepare for: there are books galore as well as websites and practice tests.
More important is to find a passion and run with it.
Have they considered Not Back to School Camp or The East Tennessee Unschoolers' Summer Camp? Meeting tons of other unschoolers helps SOOO much! Cameron (the 22 year old above) felt stuck until he went to camp and saw all those other kids who were so passionate and super-charged. He came away a different person---full of ideas and excitement.
Conferences and NonCons are also a great way to meet other unschoolers. There's one near you---guaranteed: they're everywhere now! They need to see kids in the same boat who are THRIVING and unstoppable!
-==-=-=-=-=-=-
>>Where are all the other parents of teens? or single parent stories?-=-=-=-=-=-
We're here and there. There's a LOT of us. But I'd say that many of us don't need the lists as much as we did years ago.
And we have proof it works now!
I have Cameron (22) and Duncan (14.5). Duncan's a bit of a homebody (seems typical) with few outside interests. But I can see that changing now. You saw some of Cameron's interests above---plus he's an avid traveler and is writing a novel. But at 14, he was skateboarding and IMing most of the days. He's serious about not accepting $$ from us anymore and wants to establish his own home now. It's hard to see him go, but I know that I've done what I'm supposed to do---he's supposed to move out and be on his own.
Duncan's on the computer a lot but has recently shown an interest in traveling more. He has all the time in the world, so we feed whatever passion he's into at the moment.
Because I'm not needed as much, I have more time for my passions. That also means I'm not on the lists as I used to be.
There are more single parents than you'd think. There's a yahoogroup: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingSingleParents/ It's not very active, but each group is as active as its members, so you could drum up some chat if you wanted to.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
Kelly Lovejoy <kbcdlovejo@...> wrote:
Adding to Kelly's list - Ray's just 17 (like a month ago) and he's worked at a cabinet shop, a christmas tree farm, a large animal rescue shelter/clinic, and makes and sells his own small handmade wood crafts. He has also traded work for lessons with various craftspeople and does assorted agricultural work in season. This is all in an area that's pretty depressed, economically - small businesses can't afford to keep him on as more than a temporary worker, but are happy to recommend him and call him back any time there's enough money to bring in one more employee.
One of the advantages of still being able to live at home and have someone else paying the bills is that teens have more flexibility in the kinds of work they can do. They can do volunteer work more easily than if they were trying to make rent and utilities every month, for instance, take temporary work, internships, even agree to work for less than the regular going rate. They can experiment with self-employment without the same risks adults run.
Finding work is the sort of thing that's hard to start doing - but once a teen has some work experience the process is really easier than an adult looking for work, especially in the current (U.S.) market.
---Meredith
>> As for jobs---seriously: how many jobs require a diploma? There's a HUGE number of jobs tailor-made for the under-18 crowd.****************
Adding to Kelly's list - Ray's just 17 (like a month ago) and he's worked at a cabinet shop, a christmas tree farm, a large animal rescue shelter/clinic, and makes and sells his own small handmade wood crafts. He has also traded work for lessons with various craftspeople and does assorted agricultural work in season. This is all in an area that's pretty depressed, economically - small businesses can't afford to keep him on as more than a temporary worker, but are happy to recommend him and call him back any time there's enough money to bring in one more employee.
One of the advantages of still being able to live at home and have someone else paying the bills is that teens have more flexibility in the kinds of work they can do. They can do volunteer work more easily than if they were trying to make rent and utilities every month, for instance, take temporary work, internships, even agree to work for less than the regular going rate. They can experiment with self-employment without the same risks adults run.
Finding work is the sort of thing that's hard to start doing - but once a teen has some work experience the process is really easier than an adult looking for work, especially in the current (U.S.) market.
---Meredith
Kelly Lovejoy
-----Original Message-----
From: plaidpanties666 <plaidpanties666@...>
One of the advantages of still being able to live at home and have someone else
paying the bills is that teens have more flexibility in the kinds of work they
can do. They can do volunteer work more easily than if they were trying to make
rent and utilities every month, for instance, take temporary work, internships,
even agree to work for less than the regular going rate. They can experiment
with self-employment without the same risks adults run.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Yeah---I totally forgot the volunteer job that turned into a paying gig! He volunteered at the local independent movie theatre because it got him in free to the movies. But they asked him to come in a learn how to string the film because one of the managers would be out of the country for several months and they needed someone who could work the projector. It was a short-term (3 month) job, and the salary was a bonus---he would have done it for free! And now he has "Manager for Independent Movie Theatre" on his resume',
A job like that requires someone who is flexible and willing to take a short-term gig. Nothing like a livin' at home unschooler! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: plaidpanties666 <plaidpanties666@...>
One of the advantages of still being able to live at home and have someone else
paying the bills is that teens have more flexibility in the kinds of work they
can do. They can do volunteer work more easily than if they were trying to make
rent and utilities every month, for instance, take temporary work, internships,
even agree to work for less than the regular going rate. They can experiment
with self-employment without the same risks adults run.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Yeah---I totally forgot the volunteer job that turned into a paying gig! He volunteered at the local independent movie theatre because it got him in free to the movies. But they asked him to come in a learn how to string the film because one of the managers would be out of the country for several months and they needed someone who could work the projector. It was a short-term (3 month) job, and the salary was a bonus---he would have done it for free! And now he has "Manager for Independent Movie Theatre" on his resume',
A job like that requires someone who is flexible and willing to take a short-term gig. Nothing like a livin' at home unschooler! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]