"Bad Mommy"
clarissa
My 4.5 year old daughter has been experimenting with yelling "bad mommy" or "you're stupid" at me when she is angry. At first I let it roll off my back but it's beginning to get to me and, admittedly, I've started reacting in ways I'm not happy with. I really do not know what to say. Sometimes I say "I am glad that I know I'm not bad/stupid" or "Please tell me what you are angry about/what you wish had happened."
My 2.5 year old son says "My mommy is not bad" or "Don't call her bad" when my daughter does this and I am concerned that my daughter is becoming the identified "problem child" in our family.
I cringe frequently around others, anxiously awaiting her next unkind remark. I've gotta be honest - I don't want people to think I'm raising a brat...I'm struggling a lot with this fierce love for my daughter that is coupled with increasing dislike for her behavior. I am trying to see her actions as a symptom of something else going on. Often her intensely upset reactions are when she does not get what she wants, even if I am very much trying to help her get what she wants and it does not happen fast enough.
I feel embarrassed when she makes remarks like "Eww that's gross" after a friend makes her a dinner that she said she wanted or "I hate ___" if they do something she does not care for.
We are trying trying trying to model more appropriate ways of expressing upset. I suppose at 4.5 she does not have the impulse control to always find an appropriate way...
Any suggestions for helping me change MY thoughts about this? It's so painful for both my daughter and me and I am so sad that I am having trouble accessing my compassion for her. And I'm so tired of her hitting and pushing her brother - I'm also not reacting well to that. Advice sorely needed!
Many thanks,
Clarissa
My 2.5 year old son says "My mommy is not bad" or "Don't call her bad" when my daughter does this and I am concerned that my daughter is becoming the identified "problem child" in our family.
I cringe frequently around others, anxiously awaiting her next unkind remark. I've gotta be honest - I don't want people to think I'm raising a brat...I'm struggling a lot with this fierce love for my daughter that is coupled with increasing dislike for her behavior. I am trying to see her actions as a symptom of something else going on. Often her intensely upset reactions are when she does not get what she wants, even if I am very much trying to help her get what she wants and it does not happen fast enough.
I feel embarrassed when she makes remarks like "Eww that's gross" after a friend makes her a dinner that she said she wanted or "I hate ___" if they do something she does not care for.
We are trying trying trying to model more appropriate ways of expressing upset. I suppose at 4.5 she does not have the impulse control to always find an appropriate way...
Any suggestions for helping me change MY thoughts about this? It's so painful for both my daughter and me and I am so sad that I am having trouble accessing my compassion for her. And I'm so tired of her hitting and pushing her brother - I'm also not reacting well to that. Advice sorely needed!
Many thanks,
Clarissa
Schuyler
Yelling "bad mommy" doesn't sound experimental, it sounds like something borne
from frustration or tiredness or hunger. I don't think you can fix her
frustration without focusing more on her.
Deb Lewis wrote an e-mail on this list in March that really is the best response
to a child who is "acting out."
-----------------------
***My ds is 4 and he takes tools (real, toy, knives, whatever he can find
that he can alter
something with) and digs, cuts, scrapes into one of the windowsills and one
particular
part of the living room wall.***
Where are you when he digs the windowsills or walls?
If you know he's likely to do it (because he's done it before) you should be
with him.
***For the most part he'll stop when redirected, or told
why it's not ok. ***
But he does it again? After you told him why it's not ok?
He needs you with him more, then.
***he will hit or throw things at his sister when she doesn't want to play
with
him. He won't be dissuaded by our attempts to get him focused on something
else, playing with dh or me, helping us with something***
It seems like he needs more direct attention from you so that he's not left
to dig walls or depend on his sister to be his play mate.
Busy moms sometimes forget how much four year olds still need attention.
They can seem so mature about so many things - able to get snacks and
drinks, able to work the TV and DVR and computer. But they really need mom
attention. If you are doing housework or on the computer while he's doing
his own thing, he's on his own too much. Play with him a lot while his
sister is in school. Get out and do things together, even if that's just
digging a big hole in the garden. Be right with him, be his companion.
Helping him find appropriate things to bang up and destroy is fine but it
has to come with the attention and companionship he's craving or it won't be
enough.
If being destructive is his outlet for feelings of frustration or loneliness
you can change that. If he has opportunity to destroy appropriate things
but still feels frustrated or lonely, he might find other, possibly more
destructive outlets. Don't expect the act of destruction to fulfill him.
*You* are the only thing that can fulfill him. Your time, your attention.
You've said he's not polite, he's destructive and he's hurting his sister,
you should be with him all the time. If that means leaving housework until
your partner gets home, or waiting to get on the computer until he's asleep,
then that's what it means right now. He's growing and changing and won't be
four forever.
Deb Lewis
--------------------------------------
Time is what you need to give, spend more and more time with your daughter. Lots
and lots of time playing and hanging out and talking about things and brushing
barbies hair and drawing and watching Spongebob together or Phineas and Ferb or
whatever and just be with her. The more time you spend with her, being with her,
the less angry she'll get in a moment. There won't be such a build up of need
behind her to create such an explosion of frustration.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: clarissa <beasyouare@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 15 October, 2010 23:35:03
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] "Bad Mommy"
My 4.5 year old daughter has been experimenting with yelling "bad mommy" or
"you're stupid" at me when she is angry. At first I let it roll off my back but
it's beginning to get to me and, admittedly, I've started reacting in ways I'm
not happy with. I really do not know what to say. Sometimes I say "I am glad
that I know I'm not bad/stupid" or "Please tell me what you are angry about/what
you wish had happened."
My 2.5 year old son says "My mommy is not bad" or "Don't call her bad" when my
daughter does this and I am concerned that my daughter is becoming the
identified "problem child" in our family.
I cringe frequently around others, anxiously awaiting her next unkind remark.
I've gotta be honest - I don't want people to think I'm raising a brat...I'm
struggling a lot with this fierce love for my daughter that is coupled with
increasing dislike for her behavior. I am trying to see her actions as a symptom
of something else going on. Often her intensely upset reactions are when she
does not get what she wants, even if I am very much trying to help her get what
she wants and it does not happen fast enough.
I feel embarrassed when she makes remarks like "Eww that's gross" after a friend
makes her a dinner that she said she wanted or "I hate ___" if they do something
she does not care for.
We are trying trying trying to model more appropriate ways of expressing upset.
I suppose at 4.5 she does not have the impulse control to always find an
appropriate way...
Any suggestions for helping me change MY thoughts about this? It's so painful
for both my daughter and me and I am so sad that I am having trouble accessing
my compassion for her. And I'm so tired of her hitting and pushing her brother -
I'm also not reacting well to that. Advice sorely needed!
Many thanks,
Clarissa
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
from frustration or tiredness or hunger. I don't think you can fix her
frustration without focusing more on her.
Deb Lewis wrote an e-mail on this list in March that really is the best response
to a child who is "acting out."
-----------------------
***My ds is 4 and he takes tools (real, toy, knives, whatever he can find
that he can alter
something with) and digs, cuts, scrapes into one of the windowsills and one
particular
part of the living room wall.***
Where are you when he digs the windowsills or walls?
If you know he's likely to do it (because he's done it before) you should be
with him.
***For the most part he'll stop when redirected, or told
why it's not ok. ***
But he does it again? After you told him why it's not ok?
He needs you with him more, then.
***he will hit or throw things at his sister when she doesn't want to play
with
him. He won't be dissuaded by our attempts to get him focused on something
else, playing with dh or me, helping us with something***
It seems like he needs more direct attention from you so that he's not left
to dig walls or depend on his sister to be his play mate.
Busy moms sometimes forget how much four year olds still need attention.
They can seem so mature about so many things - able to get snacks and
drinks, able to work the TV and DVR and computer. But they really need mom
attention. If you are doing housework or on the computer while he's doing
his own thing, he's on his own too much. Play with him a lot while his
sister is in school. Get out and do things together, even if that's just
digging a big hole in the garden. Be right with him, be his companion.
Helping him find appropriate things to bang up and destroy is fine but it
has to come with the attention and companionship he's craving or it won't be
enough.
If being destructive is his outlet for feelings of frustration or loneliness
you can change that. If he has opportunity to destroy appropriate things
but still feels frustrated or lonely, he might find other, possibly more
destructive outlets. Don't expect the act of destruction to fulfill him.
*You* are the only thing that can fulfill him. Your time, your attention.
You've said he's not polite, he's destructive and he's hurting his sister,
you should be with him all the time. If that means leaving housework until
your partner gets home, or waiting to get on the computer until he's asleep,
then that's what it means right now. He's growing and changing and won't be
four forever.
Deb Lewis
--------------------------------------
Time is what you need to give, spend more and more time with your daughter. Lots
and lots of time playing and hanging out and talking about things and brushing
barbies hair and drawing and watching Spongebob together or Phineas and Ferb or
whatever and just be with her. The more time you spend with her, being with her,
the less angry she'll get in a moment. There won't be such a build up of need
behind her to create such an explosion of frustration.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: clarissa <beasyouare@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 15 October, 2010 23:35:03
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] "Bad Mommy"
My 4.5 year old daughter has been experimenting with yelling "bad mommy" or
"you're stupid" at me when she is angry. At first I let it roll off my back but
it's beginning to get to me and, admittedly, I've started reacting in ways I'm
not happy with. I really do not know what to say. Sometimes I say "I am glad
that I know I'm not bad/stupid" or "Please tell me what you are angry about/what
you wish had happened."
My 2.5 year old son says "My mommy is not bad" or "Don't call her bad" when my
daughter does this and I am concerned that my daughter is becoming the
identified "problem child" in our family.
I cringe frequently around others, anxiously awaiting her next unkind remark.
I've gotta be honest - I don't want people to think I'm raising a brat...I'm
struggling a lot with this fierce love for my daughter that is coupled with
increasing dislike for her behavior. I am trying to see her actions as a symptom
of something else going on. Often her intensely upset reactions are when she
does not get what she wants, even if I am very much trying to help her get what
she wants and it does not happen fast enough.
I feel embarrassed when she makes remarks like "Eww that's gross" after a friend
makes her a dinner that she said she wanted or "I hate ___" if they do something
she does not care for.
We are trying trying trying to model more appropriate ways of expressing upset.
I suppose at 4.5 she does not have the impulse control to always find an
appropriate way...
Any suggestions for helping me change MY thoughts about this? It's so painful
for both my daughter and me and I am so sad that I am having trouble accessing
my compassion for her. And I'm so tired of her hitting and pushing her brother -
I'm also not reacting well to that. Advice sorely needed!
Many thanks,
Clarissa
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"clarissa" <beasyouare@...> wrote:
Step away from the idea of experimenting with a behavior and instead see her as trying to communicate. She has big feelings, so she uses the biggest words and phrases she has, in terms of their impact, to express them. In 4yo terms, "bad mommy" is about the worst cuss imaginable! So its important to respond to all that emotion without getting tangled up in the grown-up baggage tied to those words.
She's a little bitty person in a world that's too big and complex for her to deal with all on her own - that's rough. Its easy to forget that its hard to be a little kid, and some kids have a much harder time Being little, being children! than others.
Do you ever swear? If not, maybe you could start - when something goes wrong from her perspective, exclaim "Tartar Sauce" or whatever you like. That's something for you to experiment with, rather than trying to explain to her that you don't like her words - offer her different words by the simple expedient of exclaiming them yourself.
Say the kinder thing for your daughter. She's not ready to manage her big feelings and being polite about others' feelings yet, so help her out - say "woops, I'm sorry, its not what she thought it would be" or words to that effect. Mo's a veeeeery conservative eater, so I've developed some practice at soothing the ruffled feelings of ladies who want to cook for her. It does take some practice not to take the traditional path of "she made it so you have to eat it" but it absolutely makes for warmer relationships over time.
That might be better for another post - can you lay out some details? When and how does she hit and push? Is she frustrated? Hungry? Need attention? Over enthusiastic and trying to play?
Beyond the specifics, though, it can make a big big difference in your relationship to actively look for things to love about your girl. Every day, several times a day, make a point of thinking about things that are wonderful and amazing about her. It can take practice, if you've slipped into defensive mode, I know! With time and practice, you may well come to see these big feelings as one of the amazing parts of her - she's a vital, sensitive soul who feels things deeply. If you can see her that way more, her falling apart and saying the wrong things will seem more like a bump in the road than a defect.
---Meredith (Mo 9, Ray 17)
>*****************
> My 4.5 year old daughter has been experimenting with yelling "bad mommy" or "you're stupid" at me when she is angry.
Step away from the idea of experimenting with a behavior and instead see her as trying to communicate. She has big feelings, so she uses the biggest words and phrases she has, in terms of their impact, to express them. In 4yo terms, "bad mommy" is about the worst cuss imaginable! So its important to respond to all that emotion without getting tangled up in the grown-up baggage tied to those words.
She's a little bitty person in a world that's too big and complex for her to deal with all on her own - that's rough. Its easy to forget that its hard to be a little kid, and some kids have a much harder time Being little, being children! than others.
Do you ever swear? If not, maybe you could start - when something goes wrong from her perspective, exclaim "Tartar Sauce" or whatever you like. That's something for you to experiment with, rather than trying to explain to her that you don't like her words - offer her different words by the simple expedient of exclaiming them yourself.
> I cringe frequently around others...Have you ever heard a cop say "you can't let other people do your driving for you"? That's a line I've held in mind more than once! And really, it doesn't Help to think about what others are thinking and saying - what helps is focusing on the needs of your child in the moment. Its so easy to get wrapped up in grown-up thoughts and expectations and forget how the world can seem to someone who's little and relatively helpless still - easy to forget just How helpless a 4yo still is! She doesn't get to forget that, though - and she doesn't appreciate your forgetting either because that leaves her even more helpless.
> I feel embarrassed when she makes remarks like "Eww that's gross" after a friend makes her a dinner that she said she wanted or "I hate ___" if they do something she does not care for.*****************
Say the kinder thing for your daughter. She's not ready to manage her big feelings and being polite about others' feelings yet, so help her out - say "woops, I'm sorry, its not what she thought it would be" or words to that effect. Mo's a veeeeery conservative eater, so I've developed some practice at soothing the ruffled feelings of ladies who want to cook for her. It does take some practice not to take the traditional path of "she made it so you have to eat it" but it absolutely makes for warmer relationships over time.
>> And I'm so tired of her hitting and pushing her brother - I'm also not reacting well to that. Advice sorely needed!*****************
That might be better for another post - can you lay out some details? When and how does she hit and push? Is she frustrated? Hungry? Need attention? Over enthusiastic and trying to play?
Beyond the specifics, though, it can make a big big difference in your relationship to actively look for things to love about your girl. Every day, several times a day, make a point of thinking about things that are wonderful and amazing about her. It can take practice, if you've slipped into defensive mode, I know! With time and practice, you may well come to see these big feelings as one of the amazing parts of her - she's a vital, sensitive soul who feels things deeply. If you can see her that way more, her falling apart and saying the wrong things will seem more like a bump in the road than a defect.
---Meredith (Mo 9, Ray 17)
clarissa
I so appreciate the responses, Schuyler and Meredith. I don't like how I can become so reactive to her and it is true, I need to be more attentive. I feel so fed up at times that all I want to do is sit with my laptop while she and her brother seem to be getting along but it quickly escalates and usually ends in her screaming at him, hitting and then running to a different room and him crying for me. It seems like she is starting to see herself in a negative light and I'm so sad because I know that it coming from how I respond to her lately. Ironically, I am now on the computer seeking the support from you guys when I probably need to be with her...but I'm trying to learn new ways to respond to her to stop damaging our relationship...
Anyway, I am definitely going to post about the sibling issues when I get a chance. Many thanks for sharing your feedback.
Clarissa
Anyway, I am definitely going to post about the sibling issues when I get a chance. Many thanks for sharing your feedback.
Clarissa
--- In [email protected], Schuyler <s.waynforth@...> wrote:
>
> Yelling "bad mommy" doesn't sound experimental, it sounds like something borne
> from frustration or tiredness or hunger. I don't think you can fix her
> frustration without focusing more on her.
>
> Deb Lewis wrote an e-mail on this list in March that really is the best response
> to a child who is "acting out."
> -----------------------
> ***My ds is 4 and he takes tools (real, toy, knives, whatever he can find
> that he can alter
> something with) and digs, cuts, scrapes into one of the windowsills and one
> particular
> part of the living room wall.***
>
> Where are you when he digs the windowsills or walls?
> If you know he's likely to do it (because he's done it before) you should be
> with him.
>
> ***For the most part he'll stop when redirected, or told
> why it's not ok. ***
>
> But he does it again? After you told him why it's not ok?
> He needs you with him more, then.
>
> ***he will hit or throw things at his sister when she doesn't want to play
> with
> him. He won't be dissuaded by our attempts to get him focused on something
> else, playing with dh or me, helping us with something***
>
> It seems like he needs more direct attention from you so that he's not left
> to dig walls or depend on his sister to be his play mate.
>
> Busy moms sometimes forget how much four year olds still need attention.
> They can seem so mature about so many things - able to get snacks and
> drinks, able to work the TV and DVR and computer. But they really need mom
> attention. If you are doing housework or on the computer while he's doing
> his own thing, he's on his own too much. Play with him a lot while his
> sister is in school. Get out and do things together, even if that's just
> digging a big hole in the garden. Be right with him, be his companion.
> Helping him find appropriate things to bang up and destroy is fine but it
> has to come with the attention and companionship he's craving or it won't be
> enough.
>
> If being destructive is his outlet for feelings of frustration or loneliness
> you can change that. If he has opportunity to destroy appropriate things
> but still feels frustrated or lonely, he might find other, possibly more
> destructive outlets. Don't expect the act of destruction to fulfill him.
> *You* are the only thing that can fulfill him. Your time, your attention.
>
> You've said he's not polite, he's destructive and he's hurting his sister,
> you should be with him all the time. If that means leaving housework until
> your partner gets home, or waiting to get on the computer until he's asleep,
> then that's what it means right now. He's growing and changing and won't be
> four forever.
>
> Deb Lewis
> --------------------------------------
>
> Time is what you need to give, spend more and more time with your daughter. Lots
> and lots of time playing and hanging out and talking about things and brushing
> barbies hair and drawing and watching Spongebob together or Phineas and Ferb or
> whatever and just be with her. The more time you spend with her, being with her,
> the less angry she'll get in a moment. There won't be such a build up of need
> behind her to create such an explosion of frustration.
>
> Schuyler
>
>
>
>
>
> ________________________________
> From: clarissa <beasyouare@...>
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Friday, 15 October, 2010 23:35:03
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] "Bad Mommy"
>
> My 4.5 year old daughter has been experimenting with yelling "bad mommy" or
> "you're stupid" at me when she is angry. At first I let it roll off my back but
> it's beginning to get to me and, admittedly, I've started reacting in ways I'm
> not happy with. I really do not know what to say. Sometimes I say "I am glad
> that I know I'm not bad/stupid" or "Please tell me what you are angry about/what
> you wish had happened."
>
> My 2.5 year old son says "My mommy is not bad" or "Don't call her bad" when my
> daughter does this and I am concerned that my daughter is becoming the
> identified "problem child" in our family.
>
>
> I cringe frequently around others, anxiously awaiting her next unkind remark.
> I've gotta be honest - I don't want people to think I'm raising a brat...I'm
> struggling a lot with this fierce love for my daughter that is coupled with
> increasing dislike for her behavior. I am trying to see her actions as a symptom
> of something else going on. Often her intensely upset reactions are when she
> does not get what she wants, even if I am very much trying to help her get what
> she wants and it does not happen fast enough.
>
> I feel embarrassed when she makes remarks like "Eww that's gross" after a friend
> makes her a dinner that she said she wanted or "I hate ___" if they do something
> she does not care for.
>
> We are trying trying trying to model more appropriate ways of expressing upset.
> I suppose at 4.5 she does not have the impulse control to always find an
> appropriate way...
>
> Any suggestions for helping me change MY thoughts about this? It's so painful
> for both my daughter and me and I am so sad that I am having trouble accessing
> my compassion for her. And I'm so tired of her hitting and pushing her brother -
> I'm also not reacting well to that. Advice sorely needed!
>
> Many thanks,
> Clarissa
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>