Issues with 2 y/o
Kathryn
Hey guys --
I've approached the 'holding my hand while we cross the road' issue rather unsuccesfully with my 2.5 y/o son. He is my youngest of three, so there is always an element of wanting to do things independently, like his older siblings. When we are out shopping, or elsewhere that requires walking through car parks/crossing roads, etc, he is Adamant that he walks across unaided. No element of guiding is accepted; not even a light hold of his jumper from behind. 'Don't', he'll say, pulling himself free from my hold. Obviously, he doesn't have the developmental skills to cross the road unaided, so our needs clash here! He has long since refused to sit in the stroller, and is free to get in/out of the trolley when we shop; he generally choses to sit in and snuggle/hide amongst the shopping. Although not always. Most of the time, I find myself running beside him, ready to grab him, should danger lurk. But it's stressful, and usually ends in tears/frustration on his behalf, due to me Having to physically intervene to ensure his safety. There have been times of pure luck; he's run from me and thankfully there has not been a car passing, or the driver has preempted his moves. My other two kiddies are 8 and 5, so of coarse, 2 arms just ain't enough for three kiddies, trolley/bags, etc, at times.
It's really stressing me out, therefore making our outings a little less desirable for me. My reactions are less than 'unschooly' lately. The issue does stem into his want to Run in places that aren't appropriate. He has tripped over people many a time, and I do worry some elderly person will one day trip over him. They certainly don't bounce as easy (!), and certainly shouldn't have to dodge unpredictable kiddies.
Thanks for advice, in advance.
KathrynD
I've approached the 'holding my hand while we cross the road' issue rather unsuccesfully with my 2.5 y/o son. He is my youngest of three, so there is always an element of wanting to do things independently, like his older siblings. When we are out shopping, or elsewhere that requires walking through car parks/crossing roads, etc, he is Adamant that he walks across unaided. No element of guiding is accepted; not even a light hold of his jumper from behind. 'Don't', he'll say, pulling himself free from my hold. Obviously, he doesn't have the developmental skills to cross the road unaided, so our needs clash here! He has long since refused to sit in the stroller, and is free to get in/out of the trolley when we shop; he generally choses to sit in and snuggle/hide amongst the shopping. Although not always. Most of the time, I find myself running beside him, ready to grab him, should danger lurk. But it's stressful, and usually ends in tears/frustration on his behalf, due to me Having to physically intervene to ensure his safety. There have been times of pure luck; he's run from me and thankfully there has not been a car passing, or the driver has preempted his moves. My other two kiddies are 8 and 5, so of coarse, 2 arms just ain't enough for three kiddies, trolley/bags, etc, at times.
It's really stressing me out, therefore making our outings a little less desirable for me. My reactions are less than 'unschooly' lately. The issue does stem into his want to Run in places that aren't appropriate. He has tripped over people many a time, and I do worry some elderly person will one day trip over him. They certainly don't bounce as easy (!), and certainly shouldn't have to dodge unpredictable kiddies.
Thanks for advice, in advance.
KathrynD
plaidpanties666
"Kathryn" <freetobe@...> wrote:
Its important to change your expectations and the way you do outings for awhile. If you didn't have the same issue with your older kids, welcome to the wonders of human variation! This is pretty "normal" 2yo behavior for a whole lot of kids, and often goes along with the tendency to run around bouncing off walls and furniture - does he do that? Its adorable.
With a clear expectation that he Won't hold hands and very likely Will make a mad dash at some random time, how can you make things safer? Cut down on outings involving busy streets and parking lots. Shop at different times, or different stores, or leave him home - or leave the other kids home so you can devote you attention to him! Or park Right at the building or in "stork parking" spots. Plan to either shop in places where its safe for him to run in the ailes or stick to him like glue - which will make shopping longer, so bring a snack for yourself. At checkouts, position yourself between him and the door with great attention and consistency.
Don't take walks along busy streets unless its just you and him, or all the kids, but an extra adult just to stick to the 2yo.
At the same time, plan more outings to places its safe to run. Go to big empty fields, or quiet streets and parking lots so he can race around madly.
As he gets older you'll be able to help him start to notice cars and other perils in his environment - you can start now, in a low key sort of way, but he's too little to be able to apply that information to his behavior, yet. Right now, he doesn't have the impulse control to Not dash madly when the mood takes him!
---Meredith
>> It's really stressing me out, therefore making our outings a little less desirable for me.*************
Its important to change your expectations and the way you do outings for awhile. If you didn't have the same issue with your older kids, welcome to the wonders of human variation! This is pretty "normal" 2yo behavior for a whole lot of kids, and often goes along with the tendency to run around bouncing off walls and furniture - does he do that? Its adorable.
With a clear expectation that he Won't hold hands and very likely Will make a mad dash at some random time, how can you make things safer? Cut down on outings involving busy streets and parking lots. Shop at different times, or different stores, or leave him home - or leave the other kids home so you can devote you attention to him! Or park Right at the building or in "stork parking" spots. Plan to either shop in places where its safe for him to run in the ailes or stick to him like glue - which will make shopping longer, so bring a snack for yourself. At checkouts, position yourself between him and the door with great attention and consistency.
Don't take walks along busy streets unless its just you and him, or all the kids, but an extra adult just to stick to the 2yo.
At the same time, plan more outings to places its safe to run. Go to big empty fields, or quiet streets and parking lots so he can race around madly.
As he gets older you'll be able to help him start to notice cars and other perils in his environment - you can start now, in a low key sort of way, but he's too little to be able to apply that information to his behavior, yet. Right now, he doesn't have the impulse control to Not dash madly when the mood takes him!
---Meredith
[email protected]
Hold his hand. There is no "rule" in unschooling land that instructs you to do anything unsafe with your child. Even if he doesn't understand. Eventually he will. Or not. Explain as much as you can bear but hold his hand.
Nance
Nance
--- In [email protected], "Kathryn" <freetobe@...> wrote:
>
> Hey guys --
>
> I've approached the 'holding my hand while we cross the road' issue rather unsuccesfully with my 2.5 y/o son. He is my youngest of three, so there is always an element of wanting to do things independently, like his older siblings. When we are out shopping, or elsewhere that requires walking through car parks/crossing roads, etc, he is Adamant that he walks across unaided. No element of guiding is accepted; not even a light hold of his jumper from behind. 'Don't', he'll say, pulling himself free from my hold. Obviously, he doesn't have the developmental skills to cross the road unaided, so our needs clash here! He has long since refused to sit in the stroller, and is free to get in/out of the trolley when we shop; he generally choses to sit in and snuggle/hide amongst the shopping. Although not always. Most of the time, I find myself running beside him, ready to grab him, should danger lurk. But it's stressful, and usually ends in tears/frustration on his behalf, due to me Having to physically intervene to ensure his safety. There have been times of pure luck; he's run from me and thankfully there has not been a car passing, or the driver has preempted his moves. My other two kiddies are 8 and 5, so of coarse, 2 arms just ain't enough for three kiddies, trolley/bags, etc, at times.
>
> It's really stressing me out, therefore making our outings a little less desirable for me. My reactions are less than 'unschooly' lately. The issue does stem into his want to Run in places that aren't appropriate. He has tripped over people many a time, and I do worry some elderly person will one day trip over him. They certainly don't bounce as easy (!), and certainly shouldn't have to dodge unpredictable kiddies.
>
> Thanks for advice, in advance.
>
> KathrynD
>
otherstar
>>>It's really stressing me out, therefore making our outings a little less desirable for me. My reactions are less than 'unschooly' lately. The issue does stem into his want to Run in places that aren't appropriate. He has tripped over people many a time, and I do worry some elderly person will one day trip over him. They certainly don't bounce as easy (!), and certainly shouldn't have to dodge unpredictable kiddies.<<<I usually avoid shopping alone with the kids. I don't get to shop a much as I would like but I don't get stressed out and my 2 little ones can hang out at home and run in the yard. Even when I go out with another adult, it can be stressful because my 20 month old loves to run. My husband runs a lot of errands for me now.
Here is a list of random things that I have tried or done:
-Let the kids hold hands together with me close by. My younger ones don't seem to resist holding hands with big sister as much as they do me. 6 year old and 8 year old will be on the ends and the two little ones will be in the middle.
-Make it into something silly. When we go out, we will do the family safety train where we all hold hands and make train noises. It looks funny when all 6 of us are chugging and beeping through a parking lot.
-Sling or other baby carrier. A backpack can work really well to get through the more dangerous areas. My 20 month old will tolerate being worn for small bits of time so I try to wear her as much as she will allow.
-Put the littlest one on my neck or back.
-Stay close behind while she runs.
-Make it into a game and enlist the help of the older ones. Our code word is "runaway baby", which means that we all go on alert. The older kids will stand in her way so that I can get her.
-Sometimes, my 20 month old gets picked up and we leave wherever we are because that is the nicest thing to do for me, her, and everyone else that is trying to shop.
If I try all of the fun stuff and it doesn't work, then we leave. There is no point in endangering her or those around her.
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
t_guyonvarch
Agree with Meredith. Since my son was 18 months, I never go shopping without my husband because otherwise I can't do shopping, only sticking to my son making sure he and other people are safe. Oh and we also only did shopping in the evening as it's much less busy. Now at 4.5 yr he starts to be able to stop himself when we tell him it's dangerous etc. though not every time as he often choose to activate his selective hearing. I can now (only) occasionally go shopping without my husband if I need only few things, so I can finish it in less than 30 mins before my son gets bored and starts to run around.
--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> "Kathryn" <freetobe@> wrote:
> >> It's really stressing me out, therefore making our outings a little less desirable for me.
> *************
>
> Its important to change your expectations and the way you do outings for awhile. If you didn't have the same issue with your older kids, welcome to the wonders of human variation! This is pretty "normal" 2yo behavior for a whole lot of kids, and often goes along with the tendency to run around bouncing off walls and furniture - does he do that? Its adorable.
>
> With a clear expectation that he Won't hold hands and very likely Will make a mad dash at some random time, how can you make things safer? Cut down on outings involving busy streets and parking lots. Shop at different times, or different stores, or leave him home - or leave the other kids home so you can devote you attention to him! Or park Right at the building or in "stork parking" spots. Plan to either shop in places where its safe for him to run in the ailes or stick to him like glue - which will make shopping longer, so bring a snack for yourself. At checkouts, position yourself between him and the door with great attention and consistency.
>
> Don't take walks along busy streets unless its just you and him, or all the kids, but an extra adult just to stick to the 2yo.
>
> At the same time, plan more outings to places its safe to run. Go to big empty fields, or quiet streets and parking lots so he can race around madly.
>
> As he gets older you'll be able to help him start to notice cars and other perils in his environment - you can start now, in a low key sort of way, but he's too little to be able to apply that information to his behavior, yet. Right now, he doesn't have the impulse control to Not dash madly when the mood takes him!
>
> ---Meredith
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On Sep 28, 2010, at 4:56 PM, Kathryn wrote:
instead of his needs.
That's the main thrust of conventional parenting. How can I change my
kids so my (righter, more important) needs replace their needs?
That idea is so ingrained in people they don't even realize it's
there. And that's the lens they see all problems through: The child is
wrong. How do I get him to change?
Radical unschooling takes a totally different approach and sees the
child has needs they're trying to meet. You can't make those needs go
away. Conventional parenting can sometimes succeed in squashing the
desire to communicate a need so it *seems* like the need has gone
away. With enough punishment, a child knows not to ask. And some needs
are tied to age -- like the need to run in parking lots -- so over
time when the child stops, it seems like conventional parenting
techniques made the need go away.
With respectful parenting, older kids, who have learned through loads
of experience that you *will* meet their needs when you can find safe
and respectful ways to do so, can be asked to wait. (Or, if you know
it will happen from experience, you can plan meeting the need into the
routine (like going to the park before the store).
But, bottom line, his actions, his inability to hold back his need, is
all communicating his inability to do so. He's too young. Better to
wait until he's older and *can* rein in his enthusiasm until it's safe
to do so. You probably won't be able to eliminate all trips through
parking lots and intersections with him, but the fewer you have the
calmer life will be for *both* of you.
Treat him as though he's doing the best he can with the tools,
development and understanding he has. Trust that he does want to hurt
himself and others. But for now to do better he needs your help to do
the better for him.
As Pam Sorooshian says: "Don't set your kids up to fail." If he can't
do it, don't keep putting him in situations that you know he can't yet
handle.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> The issue does stem into his want to Run in places that aren'tSo the question is how to change him so he listens to your needs
> appropriate.
instead of his needs.
That's the main thrust of conventional parenting. How can I change my
kids so my (righter, more important) needs replace their needs?
That idea is so ingrained in people they don't even realize it's
there. And that's the lens they see all problems through: The child is
wrong. How do I get him to change?
Radical unschooling takes a totally different approach and sees the
child has needs they're trying to meet. You can't make those needs go
away. Conventional parenting can sometimes succeed in squashing the
desire to communicate a need so it *seems* like the need has gone
away. With enough punishment, a child knows not to ask. And some needs
are tied to age -- like the need to run in parking lots -- so over
time when the child stops, it seems like conventional parenting
techniques made the need go away.
With respectful parenting, older kids, who have learned through loads
of experience that you *will* meet their needs when you can find safe
and respectful ways to do so, can be asked to wait. (Or, if you know
it will happen from experience, you can plan meeting the need into the
routine (like going to the park before the store).
But, bottom line, his actions, his inability to hold back his need, is
all communicating his inability to do so. He's too young. Better to
wait until he's older and *can* rein in his enthusiasm until it's safe
to do so. You probably won't be able to eliminate all trips through
parking lots and intersections with him, but the fewer you have the
calmer life will be for *both* of you.
Treat him as though he's doing the best he can with the tools,
development and understanding he has. Trust that he does want to hurt
himself and others. But for now to do better he needs your help to do
the better for him.
As Pam Sorooshian says: "Don't set your kids up to fail." If he can't
do it, don't keep putting him in situations that you know he can't yet
handle.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]