1 lollipop, 3 kids
M
Hi, I had one lollipop and gave it to ds2. DS5 and DD7 are upset that I gave it to DS2. DD7 understands that it was my lollipop, and I got to choose who I gave it to. DS5 is mad at me for giving it to his brother and refuses to meet my gase without frowning and promtly turning away.
I don't have any other treats in the house. I understand that he's upset, and I understand why. I'm not sure if I should just continue with my day as usual. Does that constitute ignoring him? I don't think it does, as I have acknowledged his feelings.
Help?
Marissa
I don't have any other treats in the house. I understand that he's upset, and I understand why. I'm not sure if I should just continue with my day as usual. Does that constitute ignoring him? I don't think it does, as I have acknowledged his feelings.
Help?
Marissa
Joyce Fetteroll
On Sep 23, 2010, at 11:24 AM, M wrote:
Lots of unschooling solutions are about looking at fire prevention
rather than responding to each fire.
If treats are a rare commodity, that lack has made them something
worth getting emotional over. If they're common, with more than enough
to go around, there won't be anything worth fighting for.
If money is tight, then it will take a lot more awareness and action
on your part to work together to keep what they think is important
from slipping to the bottom of the priority list. Kids can be involved
in helping make decisions and will even willingly sacrifice when they
feel their voice is taken seriously. But if someone makes the choice
that they need to sacrifice, then it's likely to cause upsetness since
the instinct will be to fight for what they want.
question.)
What would help greatly is to apologize and say you weren't thinking
ahead about how everyone else would feel. Don't expect that to fix
their feelings that it wasn't fair, but your explanation that
justified your right to give the lollipop to whoever you wanted may
have left them feeling wrong for feeling it was unfair. One person's
right can still be unfair to others.
Then, make some treats. :-) Not to erase what you did, but as an
offered solution. Again, don't expect that to make it all right. Allow
them to feel what they feel for as long as they need to. Just put the
treats out for everyone to have.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I don't have any other treats in the house.That sounds like the root of the problem.
Lots of unschooling solutions are about looking at fire prevention
rather than responding to each fire.
If treats are a rare commodity, that lack has made them something
worth getting emotional over. If they're common, with more than enough
to go around, there won't be anything worth fighting for.
If money is tight, then it will take a lot more awareness and action
on your part to work together to keep what they think is important
from slipping to the bottom of the priority list. Kids can be involved
in helping make decisions and will even willingly sacrifice when they
feel their voice is taken seriously. But if someone makes the choice
that they need to sacrifice, then it's likely to cause upsetness since
the instinct will be to fight for what they want.
> I'm not sure if I should just continue with my day as usual. DoesIs your goal to be right or to build relationships? (That's a serious
> that constitute ignoring him? I don't think it does, as I have
> acknowledged his feelings.
question.)
What would help greatly is to apologize and say you weren't thinking
ahead about how everyone else would feel. Don't expect that to fix
their feelings that it wasn't fair, but your explanation that
justified your right to give the lollipop to whoever you wanted may
have left them feeling wrong for feeling it was unfair. One person's
right can still be unfair to others.
Then, make some treats. :-) Not to erase what you did, but as an
offered solution. Again, don't expect that to make it all right. Allow
them to feel what they feel for as long as they need to. Just put the
treats out for everyone to have.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"M" <mharbajan@...> wrote:
Poor guy. Can you go out and get a bag of lolipops? Make cookies? Make your own quick-and-dirty candy? If None of those are possible and you can't come up with anything else, appologise and offer to do something sweet for him soon, as a way of acknowledging his loss.
What does he usually need when he's upset? If he usually needs hugs, then maybe wait a bit and offer, wait a bit and offer. But if you have a way to get out, go get him a lolipop! If you're broke, go find a bank that gives 'em away for free.
---Meredith
>***************
> Hi, I had one lollipop and gave it to ds2. DS5 and DD7 are upset that I gave it to DS2.... DS5 is mad at me for giving it to his brother
Poor guy. Can you go out and get a bag of lolipops? Make cookies? Make your own quick-and-dirty candy? If None of those are possible and you can't come up with anything else, appologise and offer to do something sweet for him soon, as a way of acknowledging his loss.
>> and refuses to meet my gase without frowning and promtly turning awayDon't see refusal, see sadness. See that he's soooooooooo upset that he can't even look at you, it hurts too much. Be gentle with him.
>>I'm not sure if I should just continue with my day as usual. Does that constitute ignoring him?***********
What does he usually need when he's upset? If he usually needs hugs, then maybe wait a bit and offer, wait a bit and offer. But if you have a way to get out, go get him a lolipop! If you're broke, go find a bank that gives 'em away for free.
---Meredith
The Coffee Goddess
"If you're broke, go find a bank that gives 'em away for free.
---Meredith"
This is just what I was going to say. My kids love for me to go to the bank to
get candy, even though they are able to have as much candy as they want any
other time--bank candy is just special. I try and make at least 2 trips a week,
even if I put in half my money once and half the other, just so that they can
get bank candy :) Papa also has a canister of "work candy" available that he
brings candy home from, and this, also, is special candy even though it is just
normal candy. I think it's knowing you were thought of when mom went to the
bank, or that dad was thinking about us enough at work to grab three pieces. It
hurts knowing that mom had only one sucker and didn't give it to me :(
Dana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---Meredith"
This is just what I was going to say. My kids love for me to go to the bank to
get candy, even though they are able to have as much candy as they want any
other time--bank candy is just special. I try and make at least 2 trips a week,
even if I put in half my money once and half the other, just so that they can
get bank candy :) Papa also has a canister of "work candy" available that he
brings candy home from, and this, also, is special candy even though it is just
normal candy. I think it's knowing you were thought of when mom went to the
bank, or that dad was thinking about us enough at work to grab three pieces. It
hurts knowing that mom had only one sucker and didn't give it to me :(
Dana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
M
You are right Joyce. Candy is a very high commodity here. My own food issues started with being denied candy as a child. I don't want to pass that issue on to our kids. Iam scared that they'll gorge themselves and only want to eat candy. It's illogical, but that's my fear. I should go get some more and keep a stash hidden in the house somewhere, and when we're running low in the pantry I can easily top it up.
I was trying to avoid hurting one child and ended up hurting another. I didn't want DS2 to throw a tantrum so I gave him the lollipop without thinking about the other two kids feelings. :( bad mommy.
Thanks.
Marissa
I was trying to avoid hurting one child and ended up hurting another. I didn't want DS2 to throw a tantrum so I gave him the lollipop without thinking about the other two kids feelings. :( bad mommy.
Thanks.
Marissa
M
DS5 is usually angry and won't let anyone near him when he's upset. He takes things very personally. He's 5 so I guess that's normal, but I don't want him growing up thinking that everything bad that happens is somehow his fault, or related to him. That's another issue.
What is dirty candy? How do you make it?
Thanks,
Marissa
What is dirty candy? How do you make it?
Thanks,
Marissa
M
I didn't know you could get candy at banks. Is that only in the states? I haven't come across any banks that do that here in South Eastern Ontario.
Marissa
Marissa
plaidpanties666
"M" <mharbajan@...> wrote:
Another easy way to make your own sweet is to toast nuts in a skillet with oil or butter and sugar. And! you can sprinkle sugar over edible flower petals (roses and pansies for instance - fairy candy!).
But if you want to really go nuts (as it were) with candy-making, look for books on the subject. Hard candies need a candy thermometer, and I found them stressful with little kids around - the liquid candy is Dangerously hot and cools slowly, but you can also drizzle the hot syrup into water and get long strings of candy that can be eaten right away. That's fun.
---Meredith
>> What is dirty candy? How do you make it?I meant quick and easy - quick and dirty is a colloquialism from my childhood, sorry. The easiest kind of candy to make is actually frosting - water whipped with confectioner's sugar (powdered sugar). It can also be made with butter, peanut butter, mashed potato (or mashed sweet potato or squash for that matter) in place of the water. The simplest is to drop little dots onto waxed paper - nearly instant candy! But you can also get clever with it and add things like food colors, flavors and sprinkles or add coco to the sugar - or coconut for that matter. You can use a cake-decorating tool to make little stars and flowers, or lay downn layers of different colors to make fancy candies that can be cut in squares or even rolled up like a jelly roll and then cut in discs. We had a couple years of being painfully broke most of the time, so frosting "candy" was a great way to deal with a child wanting sweets when there was no money for either sweets or gasoline!
Another easy way to make your own sweet is to toast nuts in a skillet with oil or butter and sugar. And! you can sprinkle sugar over edible flower petals (roses and pansies for instance - fairy candy!).
But if you want to really go nuts (as it were) with candy-making, look for books on the subject. Hard candies need a candy thermometer, and I found them stressful with little kids around - the liquid candy is Dangerously hot and cools slowly, but you can also drizzle the hot syrup into water and get long strings of candy that can be eaten right away. That's fun.
---Meredith
plaidpanties666
Oh, geez, I bet its regional these days, even in the states. That might not be such a great idea for you, then. Stocking up is a good idea, especially if you come across a good sale. Put some out in a dish and refill it every day for awhile - they'll likely be excited by the novelty at first and eat it all, but that will taper off once they realize its not going to go away (or be taken away from them).
---Meredith
---Meredith
--- In [email protected], "M" <mharbajan@...> wrote:
>
> I didn't know you could get candy at banks. Is that only in the states? I haven't come across any banks that do that here in South Eastern Ontario.
> Marissa
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On Sep 23, 2010, at 4:51 PM, M wrote:
There are lots of tales and logic to read about here that might help
with the fears:
http://sandradodd.com/food
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Iam scared that they'll gorge themselves and only want to eatIt's also a pretty common fear. Though no less illogical ;-)
> candy. It's illogical, but that's my fear.
There are lots of tales and logic to read about here that might help
with the fears:
http://sandradodd.com/food
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Banks give them away free here -- the main point of going to the bank per DN4 :) -- and the dollar store sells them for cheap.
Nance
Nance
--- In [email protected], "M" <mharbajan@...> wrote:
>
> I didn't know you could get candy at banks. Is that only in the states? I haven't come across any banks that do that here in South Eastern Ontario.
> Marissa
>
Kelly Lovejoy
-----Original Message-----
From: M <mharbajan@...>
You are right Joyce. Candy is a very high commodity here. My own food issues
started with being denied candy as a child. I don't want to pass that issue on
to our kids. Iam scared that they'll gorge themselves and only want to eat
candy. It's illogical, but that's my fear. I should go get some more and keep a
stash hidden in the house somewhere, and when we're running low in the pantry I
can easily top it up.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Don't keep anything hidden. Keep a giant bowl of lollipops right where everyone can see and reach them. GIANT. BOWL. of LOLLIPOPS!
Yes, the bowl will be emptied probably six or seven times the first week. five or six times the second. But I bet that, if you kept that bowl topped off ALWAYS (Don't let it ever actually BE empty! If three are left, fill 'er up!), by week three or four, there will be candy still left at the end of the day/week. Eventually, it will stay full.
We keep giant bowls of M&Ms, Skittles, Jelly Bellies, pistachios, and almonds. The nuts seem to go fastest here. <G>
But the candy went pretty fast the first few months. Guess who was eating all those M&Ms? ME! And my husband. The kids had their fill after a week or two. But I kept it FULL. No one here (even me!) eats M&Ms any more.
Now, the nuts go regularly still, but the candy stays until we have guests. <G> Then *they* eat all the candy. And you can tell the kids who are limited. They're the ones who are sneaking in and grabbing handfuls and stuffing them as fast as they can in their mouths.
When we're expecting guests, I usually top the bowls off and keep a spare bag or two in the drawer to refill during the week.
My kids can have all the candy they want any time they want. They eat *very* little candy.
I challenge you do this. The dollar store has lots and lots of candy---a buck a bag. By $20 or $30 worth...and give it MONTHS. But I guarantee you'll see them turn their noses up at it eventually.
BUT....you can't EVER let the bowl get empty.
Oh---and we've had al sorts of candy. I found that wrapped candy (Kisses or Tootsie Roll Pops) makes it take a while to get at to eat, but I was constantly picking up wrappers. Loose candy (Skittles & M&Ms) have no wrappers to pick up, but a handful goes quickly. YMMV.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: M <mharbajan@...>
You are right Joyce. Candy is a very high commodity here. My own food issues
started with being denied candy as a child. I don't want to pass that issue on
to our kids. Iam scared that they'll gorge themselves and only want to eat
candy. It's illogical, but that's my fear. I should go get some more and keep a
stash hidden in the house somewhere, and when we're running low in the pantry I
can easily top it up.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Don't keep anything hidden. Keep a giant bowl of lollipops right where everyone can see and reach them. GIANT. BOWL. of LOLLIPOPS!
Yes, the bowl will be emptied probably six or seven times the first week. five or six times the second. But I bet that, if you kept that bowl topped off ALWAYS (Don't let it ever actually BE empty! If three are left, fill 'er up!), by week three or four, there will be candy still left at the end of the day/week. Eventually, it will stay full.
We keep giant bowls of M&Ms, Skittles, Jelly Bellies, pistachios, and almonds. The nuts seem to go fastest here. <G>
But the candy went pretty fast the first few months. Guess who was eating all those M&Ms? ME! And my husband. The kids had their fill after a week or two. But I kept it FULL. No one here (even me!) eats M&Ms any more.
Now, the nuts go regularly still, but the candy stays until we have guests. <G> Then *they* eat all the candy. And you can tell the kids who are limited. They're the ones who are sneaking in and grabbing handfuls and stuffing them as fast as they can in their mouths.
When we're expecting guests, I usually top the bowls off and keep a spare bag or two in the drawer to refill during the week.
My kids can have all the candy they want any time they want. They eat *very* little candy.
I challenge you do this. The dollar store has lots and lots of candy---a buck a bag. By $20 or $30 worth...and give it MONTHS. But I guarantee you'll see them turn their noses up at it eventually.
BUT....you can't EVER let the bowl get empty.
Oh---and we've had al sorts of candy. I found that wrapped candy (Kisses or Tootsie Roll Pops) makes it take a while to get at to eat, but I was constantly picking up wrappers. Loose candy (Skittles & M&Ms) have no wrappers to pick up, but a handful goes quickly. YMMV.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]