Son is totally confusing me, help???
Paul & Camille
Well my ds is just turned 6 and confusing me is an understatement. We
have been having trouble with him hitting & telling us to shutup the past
few months. He has never been hit apart from a much older boy at church
when he was 4 and we have had trouble off an on with him hitting since
then, however I got him one of those punching bag bounce back toys which
hes been using - and I figure he needs more physical stuff when Dads at
work, also he does tend to hit if hes annoyed. He has never been told to
shutup or anything like that either. However my confusion is in that he
has just started saying that he wants me to hit him and tell him to
shutup... Ive spoken to him about it and he said, hes not quite sure just
yet WHY he wants me to do this... Im wondering if he thinks if I do it to
him then it will be okay for him to do it to me/us. I asked him that and
he said Yes maybe. He even asked me the other day out of the blue in the
shop if Id just smack him - which to be honest is quite embarrassing
especially as smacking children is against the law here now - and also Ive
never done it so sounds like Im a hidden smacker which Im not :| Anyway
any help or views on what the heck could be going on would be greatly
appreciated.
Camille :)
have been having trouble with him hitting & telling us to shutup the past
few months. He has never been hit apart from a much older boy at church
when he was 4 and we have had trouble off an on with him hitting since
then, however I got him one of those punching bag bounce back toys which
hes been using - and I figure he needs more physical stuff when Dads at
work, also he does tend to hit if hes annoyed. He has never been told to
shutup or anything like that either. However my confusion is in that he
has just started saying that he wants me to hit him and tell him to
shutup... Ive spoken to him about it and he said, hes not quite sure just
yet WHY he wants me to do this... Im wondering if he thinks if I do it to
him then it will be okay for him to do it to me/us. I asked him that and
he said Yes maybe. He even asked me the other day out of the blue in the
shop if Id just smack him - which to be honest is quite embarrassing
especially as smacking children is against the law here now - and also Ive
never done it so sounds like Im a hidden smacker which Im not :| Anyway
any help or views on what the heck could be going on would be greatly
appreciated.
Camille :)
R & N Tomassone
When my son was six he did something similar. I can't remember what he did but he came out with "You really should spank me for that!" We had never done anything of the sort!! Have no idea where it came from...except maybe something he saw in a video...he had been watching the OLD looney toons cartoons. There is a lot of hitting going on there. Maybe just a stage???
--- On Wed, 4/21/10, Paul & Camille <morlingfamily@...> wrote:
From: Paul & Camille <morlingfamily@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Son is totally confusing me, help???
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Date: Wednesday, April 21, 2010, 7:36 PM
Well my ds is just turned 6 and confusing me is an understatement. We
have been having trouble with him hitting & telling us to shutup the past
few months. He has never been hit apart from a much older boy at church
when he was 4 and we have had trouble off an on with him hitting since
then, however I got him one of those punching bag bounce back toys which
hes been using - and I figure he needs more physical stuff when Dads at
work, also he does tend to hit if hes annoyed. He has never been told to
shutup or anything like that either. However my confusion is in that he
has just started saying that he wants me to hit him and tell him to
shutup... Ive spoken to him about it and he said, hes not quite sure just
yet WHY he wants me to do this... Im wondering if he thinks if I do it to
him then it will be okay for him to do it to me/us. I asked him that and
he said Yes maybe. He even asked me the other day out of the blue in the
shop if Id just smack him - which to be honest is quite embarrassing
especially as smacking children is against the law here now - and also Ive
never done it so sounds like Im a hidden smacker which Im not :| Anyway
any help or views on what the heck could be going on would be greatly
appreciated.
Camille :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
When Linnaea was 6 she had a really hard time. And it was hard on all of us, it was draining, it was awful. She would get so frustrated and so angry over things that I couldn't see. And I tried so hard to fix things, and we tiptoed around to try and make things better and nothing was better. I stopped trying to fix things and I stopped trying to get her to see how what she was doing was awful and hard on the rest of us. I stopped trying to redirect and to fix and to cure and to make it all better and instead began to just sit with her when things were bad. And I upped how much I was with her when things were good. I don't know that those things stopped what was going on, I don't have a case control to demonstrate anything, but it got much better. Time in was better, time in seems to fix so many things.
It also helped to do things like draw on her, the contact, the tickling of a pen, those things calmed her down. Or to tell back stories or to offer something loving and generous in a moment when she felt unloveable. Maybe your son feels unloveable and wants to be treated accordingly. Maybe if you can demonstrate love he will begin to feel more loving in return. Maybe he won't, but maybe you'll see more of what is going on that makes him tense and angry enough to hit and call names.
Schuyler
________________________________
Well my ds is just turned 6 and confusing me is an understatement. We
have been having trouble with him hitting & telling us to shutup the past
few months. He has never been hit apart from a much older boy at church
when he was 4 and we have had trouble off an on with him hitting since
then, however I got him one of those punching bag bounce back toys which
hes been using - and I figure he needs more physical stuff when Dads at
work, also he does tend to hit if hes annoyed. He has never been told to
shutup or anything like that either. However my confusion is in that he
has just started saying that he wants me to hit him and tell him to
shutup... Ive spoken to him about it and he said, hes not quite sure just
yet WHY he wants me to do this... Im wondering if he thinks if I do it to
him then it will be okay for him to do it to me/us. I asked him that and
he said Yes maybe. He even asked me the other day out of the blue in the
shop if Id just smack him - which to be honest is quite embarrassing
especially as smacking children is against the law here now - and also Ive
never done it so sounds like Im a hidden smacker which Im not :| Anyway
any help or views on what the heck could be going on would be greatly
appreciated.
Camille :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It also helped to do things like draw on her, the contact, the tickling of a pen, those things calmed her down. Or to tell back stories or to offer something loving and generous in a moment when she felt unloveable. Maybe your son feels unloveable and wants to be treated accordingly. Maybe if you can demonstrate love he will begin to feel more loving in return. Maybe he won't, but maybe you'll see more of what is going on that makes him tense and angry enough to hit and call names.
Schuyler
________________________________
Well my ds is just turned 6 and confusing me is an understatement. We
have been having trouble with him hitting & telling us to shutup the past
few months. He has never been hit apart from a much older boy at church
when he was 4 and we have had trouble off an on with him hitting since
then, however I got him one of those punching bag bounce back toys which
hes been using - and I figure he needs more physical stuff when Dads at
work, also he does tend to hit if hes annoyed. He has never been told to
shutup or anything like that either. However my confusion is in that he
has just started saying that he wants me to hit him and tell him to
shutup... Ive spoken to him about it and he said, hes not quite sure just
yet WHY he wants me to do this... Im wondering if he thinks if I do it to
him then it will be okay for him to do it to me/us. I asked him that and
he said Yes maybe. He even asked me the other day out of the blue in the
shop if Id just smack him - which to be honest is quite embarrassing
especially as smacking children is against the law here now - and also Ive
never done it so sounds like Im a hidden smacker which Im not :| Anyway
any help or views on what the heck could be going on would be greatly
appreciated.
Camille :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Camille Morling
Thanks Schuyler :)
Today he said something even stranger which got me thinking.... 'Id smack you if i had a hand!!!' WHAT he has two hands - it was really quite funny.
It was his birthday 2 weeks ago and he got a DVD which we had both watched together and i thought - hm best have a look at that.... We watched and sure enough, 'Id smack you if I had a hand' was a line in it, and also later there was a scene where one of the robots was asking the other to smack him and thanked him when it was done and then it happened again so that is highly likely where it came from. Its funny perhaps due to that scene maybe he thinks that smacking someone makes them feel good!? You just dont know do you! Isnt it so strange that he just seems to pick up those kind of things - the two girls never did at all 7 if I hadnt been listening for certain things I wouldnt have noticed either.
Im sure the hitting will continue at times, however perhaps it is the age as much as anything, and perhaps I do try and fix things when I often dont need too - that is my nature and its hard to not do it. I shall take him out more and run around and go to the beach etc - even though its coming into winter the beach is still great, this may help him burn off some of his energy.
Thanks again for your response.
Camille
________________________________
From: Schuyler <s.waynforth@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thu, 22 April, 2010 8:06:25 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Son is totally confusing me, help???
When Linnaea was 6 she had a really hard time. And it was hard on all of us, it was draining, it was awful. She would get so frustrated and so angry over things that I couldn't see. And I tried so hard to fix things, and we tiptoed around to try and make things better and nothing was better. I stopped trying to fix things and I stopped trying to get her to see how what she was doing was awful and hard on the rest of us. I stopped trying to redirect and to fix and to cure and to make it all better and instead began to just sit with her when things were bad. And I upped how much I was with her when things were good. I don't know that those things stopped what was going on, I don't have a case control to demonstrate anything, but it got much better. Time in was better, time in seems to fix so many things.
It also helped to do things like draw on her, the contact, the tickling of a pen, those things calmed her down. Or to tell back stories or to offer something loving and generous in a moment when she felt unloveable. Maybe your son feels unloveable and wants to be treated accordingly. Maybe if you can demonstrate love he will begin to feel more loving in return. Maybe he won't, but maybe you'll see more of what is going on that makes him tense and angry enough to hit and call names.
Schuyler
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Today he said something even stranger which got me thinking.... 'Id smack you if i had a hand!!!' WHAT he has two hands - it was really quite funny.
It was his birthday 2 weeks ago and he got a DVD which we had both watched together and i thought - hm best have a look at that.... We watched and sure enough, 'Id smack you if I had a hand' was a line in it, and also later there was a scene where one of the robots was asking the other to smack him and thanked him when it was done and then it happened again so that is highly likely where it came from. Its funny perhaps due to that scene maybe he thinks that smacking someone makes them feel good!? You just dont know do you! Isnt it so strange that he just seems to pick up those kind of things - the two girls never did at all 7 if I hadnt been listening for certain things I wouldnt have noticed either.
Im sure the hitting will continue at times, however perhaps it is the age as much as anything, and perhaps I do try and fix things when I often dont need too - that is my nature and its hard to not do it. I shall take him out more and run around and go to the beach etc - even though its coming into winter the beach is still great, this may help him burn off some of his energy.
Thanks again for your response.
Camille
________________________________
From: Schuyler <s.waynforth@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thu, 22 April, 2010 8:06:25 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Son is totally confusing me, help???
When Linnaea was 6 she had a really hard time. And it was hard on all of us, it was draining, it was awful. She would get so frustrated and so angry over things that I couldn't see. And I tried so hard to fix things, and we tiptoed around to try and make things better and nothing was better. I stopped trying to fix things and I stopped trying to get her to see how what she was doing was awful and hard on the rest of us. I stopped trying to redirect and to fix and to cure and to make it all better and instead began to just sit with her when things were bad. And I upped how much I was with her when things were good. I don't know that those things stopped what was going on, I don't have a case control to demonstrate anything, but it got much better. Time in was better, time in seems to fix so many things.
It also helped to do things like draw on her, the contact, the tickling of a pen, those things calmed her down. Or to tell back stories or to offer something loving and generous in a moment when she felt unloveable. Maybe your son feels unloveable and wants to be treated accordingly. Maybe if you can demonstrate love he will begin to feel more loving in return. Maybe he won't, but maybe you'll see more of what is going on that makes him tense and angry enough to hit and call names.
Schuyler
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Joyce Fetteroll
On Apr 21, 2010, at 7:36 PM, Paul & Camille wrote:
their 7 yos. If behavior comes out of no where, if there hasn't be a
big change in his life, it's more than likely a stage of development.
Could be your son's precocious to go through it at 6 instead of 7. :-)
Some internal change has happened and the rug's been proverbially
pulled out from beneath his understanding of how the world works. It
will take a bit to get back to equilibrium. And what he needs is the
comfort of your understanding as he goes through this.
Do, of course, redirect the hitting. But if he has a funny streak,
humor might help with the verbal stuff. If he tells you to shut up you
can say "No, you shut up" in a light voice.
If you're prone to PMS and your husband gets stern with your moods to
teach you how to behave better, does it help you? Try looking at it
more that way and find ways to soften the environmnent for him.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Well my ds is just turned 6 and confusing me is an understatement. WeIn the past 6 months 3 people have posted about similar behavior from
> have been having trouble with him hitting & telling us to shutup the
> past
> few months
their 7 yos. If behavior comes out of no where, if there hasn't be a
big change in his life, it's more than likely a stage of development.
Could be your son's precocious to go through it at 6 instead of 7. :-)
Some internal change has happened and the rug's been proverbially
pulled out from beneath his understanding of how the world works. It
will take a bit to get back to equilibrium. And what he needs is the
comfort of your understanding as he goes through this.
Do, of course, redirect the hitting. But if he has a funny streak,
humor might help with the verbal stuff. If he tells you to shut up you
can say "No, you shut up" in a light voice.
If you're prone to PMS and your husband gets stern with your moods to
teach you how to behave better, does it help you? Try looking at it
more that way and find ways to soften the environmnent for him.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
*** Anyway any help or views on what the heck could be going on would be greatly
appreciated.***
My first thought was that kids he's playing with are making comments to him.
It was around that age when Dylan's cousins found out we didn't spank Dylan. They were intrigued and skeptical. <g> If he did anything they didn't like they'd tell him that his mom and dad should spank him. So, I'd suspect a play group where he's hearing from other kids.
Is it possible he's having problems with some kid in a play group again? Some kid who's not liking something your son is doing and is telling him he ought to get smacked? Maybe find something better to do on play group days, go someplace different for awhile and see if anything changes. Just a thought.
Another thought is that if he's trying to control an impulse to hit he's considering the general morality of hitting. Hitting someone who doesn't hit you is pretty bad. Hitting someone who hits you is less bad, etc. If he's feeling like he wants to hit someone, maybe pay attention to see if you can notice what might be frustrating him. It's hard to be little. Look for things that might be frustrating him and see if you can ease it some. Play with him more.
My other thought is that he's being funny. We don't hit, we never hit Dylan, we never hit each other, we don't smack our friends, but we joke about doing bodily harm.
I think Joyce had a good idea of bringing humor to the situation. Next time he says you should smack him you could say something like, "Well if we were a hitting family, I wouldn't just smack you, I'd slap you out from between your ears." (Johnny Eager) Or something similar and silly and exaggerated.
And if he is enjoying to possibility of physical humor there's The Three Stooges with lots of smacking, slapping, tweaking, etc.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
appreciated.***
My first thought was that kids he's playing with are making comments to him.
It was around that age when Dylan's cousins found out we didn't spank Dylan. They were intrigued and skeptical. <g> If he did anything they didn't like they'd tell him that his mom and dad should spank him. So, I'd suspect a play group where he's hearing from other kids.
Is it possible he's having problems with some kid in a play group again? Some kid who's not liking something your son is doing and is telling him he ought to get smacked? Maybe find something better to do on play group days, go someplace different for awhile and see if anything changes. Just a thought.
Another thought is that if he's trying to control an impulse to hit he's considering the general morality of hitting. Hitting someone who doesn't hit you is pretty bad. Hitting someone who hits you is less bad, etc. If he's feeling like he wants to hit someone, maybe pay attention to see if you can notice what might be frustrating him. It's hard to be little. Look for things that might be frustrating him and see if you can ease it some. Play with him more.
My other thought is that he's being funny. We don't hit, we never hit Dylan, we never hit each other, we don't smack our friends, but we joke about doing bodily harm.
I think Joyce had a good idea of bringing humor to the situation. Next time he says you should smack him you could say something like, "Well if we were a hitting family, I wouldn't just smack you, I'd slap you out from between your ears." (Johnny Eager) Or something similar and silly and exaggerated.
And if he is enjoying to possibility of physical humor there's The Three Stooges with lots of smacking, slapping, tweaking, etc.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], Camille Morling <morlingfamily@...> wrote:
When Morgan wants to understand what something means, she often doesn't ask. Instead, she tries the words or behavior out in a bunch of different situations until she "gets it". She tends to do it most often with weird kinds of referential humor - Ed, Edd and Eddy is good for that. When I notice her doing something like that I'll ask if she understands what it means and try to explain if she wants me to. Sometimes the explanation is longer than she has the patience to hear - she's not a fan of "too many words" so I try to keep things short. That's hard with referential humor!
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>We watched and sure enough, 'Id smack you if I had a hand' was a line in it, and also later there was a scene where one of the robots was asking the other to smack him and thanked him when it was done and then it happened again so that is highly likely where it came from. Its funny perhaps due to that scene maybe he thinks that smacking someone makes them feel good!**************
When Morgan wants to understand what something means, she often doesn't ask. Instead, she tries the words or behavior out in a bunch of different situations until she "gets it". She tends to do it most often with weird kinds of referential humor - Ed, Edd and Eddy is good for that. When I notice her doing something like that I'll ask if she understands what it means and try to explain if she wants me to. Sometimes the explanation is longer than she has the patience to hear - she's not a fan of "too many words" so I try to keep things short. That's hard with referential humor!
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "Deb Lewis" <d.lewis@...> wrote:
I wondered this, too. The different ways children explore morality is really fascinating. I was surprised just how much of Mo's "bad behavior" when she was younger seemed to be an exploration of big, difficult human concepts like the relative morality of violence.
Ed, Edd and Eddy have a lot of physical humor, if he prefers cartoons, and of course all the "classics" - Loony Tunes and Hannah Barbara cartoons and others of that era. Mo looooooves physical comedy, and although I'm not a fan, myself, I've done quite a bit of reading on the subject so that I can see what's so interesting about it (still don't find it funny, but interesting, yes, especially from a technical perspective).
Something else to look into if he's exploring the idea of "trash talk" is the Pokemon shows and movies.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>> Another thought is that if he's trying to control an impulse to hit he's considering the general morality of hitting. Hitting someone who doesn't hit you is pretty bad. Hitting someone who hits you is less bad, etc.******************
I wondered this, too. The different ways children explore morality is really fascinating. I was surprised just how much of Mo's "bad behavior" when she was younger seemed to be an exploration of big, difficult human concepts like the relative morality of violence.
>>> And if he is enjoying to possibility of physical humor there's The Three Stooges with lots of smacking, slapping, tweaking, etc.****************
Ed, Edd and Eddy have a lot of physical humor, if he prefers cartoons, and of course all the "classics" - Loony Tunes and Hannah Barbara cartoons and others of that era. Mo looooooves physical comedy, and although I'm not a fan, myself, I've done quite a bit of reading on the subject so that I can see what's so interesting about it (still don't find it funny, but interesting, yes, especially from a technical perspective).
Something else to look into if he's exploring the idea of "trash talk" is the Pokemon shows and movies.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
Miltsov
Greetings all!
My unschooling dd (10 y o at the time) filmed this talk at the
conference in Memphis and it's now available on my website for those
interested. It is addressed at academic, unschooling, and lay audiences.
Title:
A Lullaby for the Planet: Undressing Ourselves for a Viable Parenthood. New Heaven, New Earth conference; Memphis, TN. 15th August 2009 and can be accessed
at:
www.layla.miltsov.org
or
www.layla.miltsov.org/blog
there are other essays on critique of education, commercial childhood,
and an interview by Andy Lewis on the same page and some of
world-schooling (as my daughter likes to call it) travel impressions in
the travel section.
All the best,
Layla
www.miltsov.org
Layla
www.miltsov.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My unschooling dd (10 y o at the time) filmed this talk at the
conference in Memphis and it's now available on my website for those
interested. It is addressed at academic, unschooling, and lay audiences.
Title:
A Lullaby for the Planet: Undressing Ourselves for a Viable Parenthood. New Heaven, New Earth conference; Memphis, TN. 15th August 2009 and can be accessed
at:
www.layla.miltsov.org
or
www.layla.miltsov.org/blog
there are other essays on critique of education, commercial childhood,
and an interview by Andy Lewis on the same page and some of
world-schooling (as my daughter likes to call it) travel impressions in
the travel section.
All the best,
Layla
www.miltsov.org
Layla
www.miltsov.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bun
--- In [email protected], "Deb Lewis" <d.lewis@...> wrote:
>> And if he is enjoying to possibility of physical humor there's The Three Stooges with lots of smacking, slapping, tweaking, etc.Or the Bernie Mac show!! Lots of threats, punishments, what we'd likely not aspire to do as unschooling parents, but so funny to watch Bernie try to be what he thinks is a good parent. Sometimes there is a moral to the show too. Laurie
>