How to make this work for all of us?
Tina Tarbutton
I appreciate all of the advice I've been given so far. My partner and I had
a long talk after the sofa incident and I apologized for being nit-picky and
we've done a lot better at communicating since then. She's read some at
sandradodd.com, and other parts that I felt might help us, I've read to her.
We're all really trying to make this work. To add to the
semi-controlled chaos that is our life right now during this transition, we
just let an 18 y/o friend of ours move in because she was asked to leave her
house. Because of this we had to finally tackle our spare bedroom/storage
room, which we had already planned to do this weekend, but we were on more
of a time crunch so that she didn't have to continue sleeping on the couch.
This, and me needing to work extra hours this week have created a situation
where everyone is a little too stressed.
Tonight we've run into a few snags that all seem to center around the same
issue, trying to meet everyones needs at the same time.
Late last night Parker (my Partner) and Dollie (the 18 y/o) were relaxing
and playing a game on the wii. Draven (our 10 y/o) was still up and spent
some time playing on the computer, but then wanted to play with his nerf
guns. I guess he couldn't think of a way to ask them to play with him, so
he shot at one of them while they were playing. Parker was frustrated by
that, but understood what he needed (interaction) and decided to put the
game on pause and they played for awhile. She doesn't really enjoy that
kind of play, and Dollie was getting worn out after awhile too, so Parker
told him they were done playing that particular game, and that they'd either
have to find something else to do together, or he would have to just shoot
at walls and targets and stuff. He wasn't happy with that idea, so she
offered to play a game with him, or let him play the wii with Dollie, or
they could watch a movie together or something. He wasn't happy with any of
the options. After awhile he asked if they could play with glow sticks (we
cut them open and "paint" the walls and floor with glowy stuff, it doesn't
hurt the walls or stain anything, and we really have a great time doing it -
warning though, we have found that it does hurt CD's), Parker and Dollie
were both in a calm mood and not in the mood to be quite that active, or
clean up after it, so she said that would be a better idea to save for a
night when I was home (I'm the one that really doesn't mind cleaning it up).
He was frustrated and stomped off, she felt horrible for not being able to
find something she was willing to do that was fun. I spent about an hour on
the phone trying to make both of them feel better. In the end, after about
2 hours of everyone being frustrated, he ended up finding a 1 player game he
wanted to play on the wii, so they found other things to do. Even later in
the night when Parker headed to bed, she let him come in and snuggle for
awhile and that was the last time I talked to them. The last text Parker
sent to me was that she feels like a horrible parent for not being able to
meet his needs earlier in the night. She feels like she's letting him and I
down when she can't comfortably meet his needs at any given moment.
I got home at 6am and he met me at the door, still awake. I don't mind that
he's still awake, except that when I work overnights, I need that alone time
when I first get home to wind down so I can get some sleep. He's awake, in
the living room where the wii is, playing a game that is causing him serious
frustration, so he's sighing and whining and showing his frustration. The
living room is also where both computers are (almost all electronics are in
this room so we can be together while doing our favorite things). In
between his frustration, he wants hugs and love and attention, which I love
giving him most of the time, except at 6:30 am when I'm trying to wind down
by checking mail and reading various blogs. He wants to talk about a game
he made up and all kinds of other things that I'm very interested in, just
not right now because I'm trying to transition into sleep mode. He finally
turned off the wii, and turned on the TV to watch cartoons, that's almost
worse because quiet is really what I need right now. So I ask that he go
into his room to watch TV, especially since he's half falling asleep on the
couch and we prefer he not sleep there, and he again gets frustrated and
stomps off.
I really don't like causing this frustration for him, however trying to put
my needs aside just causes more frustration for me, which makes it even
harder to react in a positive way to him. Before, most of the frustration
was caused by rules and requirements, now the frustration is caused because
the more we try to meet his needs, the more needs he allows us to see (which
I'm thankful for) but eventually we hit a wall where we just need a break,
or where we're really not in a place to provide the stimulation he wants
right then, so then we offer an alternative that also fits in with our
current needs, and at least meets some of his needs, and that frustrates
him.
Help?
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
a long talk after the sofa incident and I apologized for being nit-picky and
we've done a lot better at communicating since then. She's read some at
sandradodd.com, and other parts that I felt might help us, I've read to her.
We're all really trying to make this work. To add to the
semi-controlled chaos that is our life right now during this transition, we
just let an 18 y/o friend of ours move in because she was asked to leave her
house. Because of this we had to finally tackle our spare bedroom/storage
room, which we had already planned to do this weekend, but we were on more
of a time crunch so that she didn't have to continue sleeping on the couch.
This, and me needing to work extra hours this week have created a situation
where everyone is a little too stressed.
Tonight we've run into a few snags that all seem to center around the same
issue, trying to meet everyones needs at the same time.
Late last night Parker (my Partner) and Dollie (the 18 y/o) were relaxing
and playing a game on the wii. Draven (our 10 y/o) was still up and spent
some time playing on the computer, but then wanted to play with his nerf
guns. I guess he couldn't think of a way to ask them to play with him, so
he shot at one of them while they were playing. Parker was frustrated by
that, but understood what he needed (interaction) and decided to put the
game on pause and they played for awhile. She doesn't really enjoy that
kind of play, and Dollie was getting worn out after awhile too, so Parker
told him they were done playing that particular game, and that they'd either
have to find something else to do together, or he would have to just shoot
at walls and targets and stuff. He wasn't happy with that idea, so she
offered to play a game with him, or let him play the wii with Dollie, or
they could watch a movie together or something. He wasn't happy with any of
the options. After awhile he asked if they could play with glow sticks (we
cut them open and "paint" the walls and floor with glowy stuff, it doesn't
hurt the walls or stain anything, and we really have a great time doing it -
warning though, we have found that it does hurt CD's), Parker and Dollie
were both in a calm mood and not in the mood to be quite that active, or
clean up after it, so she said that would be a better idea to save for a
night when I was home (I'm the one that really doesn't mind cleaning it up).
He was frustrated and stomped off, she felt horrible for not being able to
find something she was willing to do that was fun. I spent about an hour on
the phone trying to make both of them feel better. In the end, after about
2 hours of everyone being frustrated, he ended up finding a 1 player game he
wanted to play on the wii, so they found other things to do. Even later in
the night when Parker headed to bed, she let him come in and snuggle for
awhile and that was the last time I talked to them. The last text Parker
sent to me was that she feels like a horrible parent for not being able to
meet his needs earlier in the night. She feels like she's letting him and I
down when she can't comfortably meet his needs at any given moment.
I got home at 6am and he met me at the door, still awake. I don't mind that
he's still awake, except that when I work overnights, I need that alone time
when I first get home to wind down so I can get some sleep. He's awake, in
the living room where the wii is, playing a game that is causing him serious
frustration, so he's sighing and whining and showing his frustration. The
living room is also where both computers are (almost all electronics are in
this room so we can be together while doing our favorite things). In
between his frustration, he wants hugs and love and attention, which I love
giving him most of the time, except at 6:30 am when I'm trying to wind down
by checking mail and reading various blogs. He wants to talk about a game
he made up and all kinds of other things that I'm very interested in, just
not right now because I'm trying to transition into sleep mode. He finally
turned off the wii, and turned on the TV to watch cartoons, that's almost
worse because quiet is really what I need right now. So I ask that he go
into his room to watch TV, especially since he's half falling asleep on the
couch and we prefer he not sleep there, and he again gets frustrated and
stomps off.
I really don't like causing this frustration for him, however trying to put
my needs aside just causes more frustration for me, which makes it even
harder to react in a positive way to him. Before, most of the frustration
was caused by rules and requirements, now the frustration is caused because
the more we try to meet his needs, the more needs he allows us to see (which
I'm thankful for) but eventually we hit a wall where we just need a break,
or where we're really not in a place to provide the stimulation he wants
right then, so then we offer an alternative that also fits in with our
current needs, and at least meets some of his needs, and that frustrates
him.
Help?
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...> wrote:
One of the ideas that I found helped me a lot was to keep in mind that everyone's needs are Important - which isn't the same as saying the goal is for everyone's needs to actually be met in the moment. Its not always possible to meet everyones needs in the moment, but you can go on valuing all the different needs, and keeping them in mind as you look for solutions.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>Before, most of the frustrationI think that's a really insightful comment - both that you're getting to see more of his needs *and* that you can't always meet them perfectly in the moment. That's OK! Its hard, but you can talk about that, too - let him know you want to help, even though you're out of energy and ideas. I don't always have a good solution to offer my kids, but they're used to seeing me try to find one. That, in itself makes a big difference. Your guy is still learning whether or not he can trust you to Try to meet his needs - and that's something that's going to take time. He needs to see you trying over and over again, and succeeding Much of the time, but not All of the time. Its good for him to see you being human, too ;) because He's human. He needs to see how grown-ups handle a less-than-perfect outcome.
> was caused by rules and requirements, now the frustration is caused because
> the more we try to meet his needs, the more needs he allows us to see (which
> I'm thankful for) but eventually we hit a wall where we just need a break,
> or where we're really not in a place to provide the stimulation he wants
> right then
One of the ideas that I found helped me a lot was to keep in mind that everyone's needs are Important - which isn't the same as saying the goal is for everyone's needs to actually be met in the moment. Its not always possible to meet everyones needs in the moment, but you can go on valuing all the different needs, and keeping them in mind as you look for solutions.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)