"cocooning" teens...how long?
eintob, d.a.
I was reading in the other thread about teens that go into a hibernation stage and thought about my own son. He is soon to be 18. He has always been homeschooled since kindergarten, though over the years he sometimes did virtual schooling. I have been unschooling his younger brother and sister for around 4 years now and I apply those principles to my relationship with him.
Over the past few years he stopped being interested in any activities outside the house. After about a year this started really disturbing his father (from whom I am divorced). After much discussion, we asked our son if he was willing to try going to a charter high school (thinking it would be an opportunity for him to be exposed to new things and make new friends). He agreed without resistance or hesitation. It seemed like he was interested in seeing what it was like. He went for one semester and decided not to go back again. Which was fine, though disappointing to his father.
Since then, he literally almost never leaves the house. The only activity he engages in is online gaming. He's online usually around 12-15 hours a day. He comes out of his room for food (sometimes). On very rare occasions he will play Band Hero with us. We have offered to help him find a job...to learn to drive...to take karate/archery/piano/anything-he-might-even-be-remotely-interested-in lessons. We've offered to take vacations to the places his online friends live so he can meet them. We've offered to go to gaming conventions. He refuses everything.
He insists he is not agoraphobic...he says "Don't make me be an adult before I *have* to". I am doing my best to keep a great relationship with him going (I often play WoW with him even) and trusting that when he's ready he will decide what he wants to do and go after it. His father, on the other hand, is convinced that there is something very wrong with him and he will end up still living with one of us when he is 25, still unable to drive, still unwilling to leave the house with no goals or prospects for his future. He tries not to pressure our son and I do what I can to both reassure him and support my son but the more time that passes, admittedly, the more worried I get.
I get that some kids cocoon more than others. I get that some kids take longer to blossom. But are there any moms out there that had a teen that literally spent nearly all of his waking time online? That didn't even care about what else was out there? And then went on to be a happy, functioning adult?
~Michelle
Over the past few years he stopped being interested in any activities outside the house. After about a year this started really disturbing his father (from whom I am divorced). After much discussion, we asked our son if he was willing to try going to a charter high school (thinking it would be an opportunity for him to be exposed to new things and make new friends). He agreed without resistance or hesitation. It seemed like he was interested in seeing what it was like. He went for one semester and decided not to go back again. Which was fine, though disappointing to his father.
Since then, he literally almost never leaves the house. The only activity he engages in is online gaming. He's online usually around 12-15 hours a day. He comes out of his room for food (sometimes). On very rare occasions he will play Band Hero with us. We have offered to help him find a job...to learn to drive...to take karate/archery/piano/anything-he-might-even-be-remotely-interested-in lessons. We've offered to take vacations to the places his online friends live so he can meet them. We've offered to go to gaming conventions. He refuses everything.
He insists he is not agoraphobic...he says "Don't make me be an adult before I *have* to". I am doing my best to keep a great relationship with him going (I often play WoW with him even) and trusting that when he's ready he will decide what he wants to do and go after it. His father, on the other hand, is convinced that there is something very wrong with him and he will end up still living with one of us when he is 25, still unable to drive, still unwilling to leave the house with no goals or prospects for his future. He tries not to pressure our son and I do what I can to both reassure him and support my son but the more time that passes, admittedly, the more worried I get.
I get that some kids cocoon more than others. I get that some kids take longer to blossom. But are there any moms out there that had a teen that literally spent nearly all of his waking time online? That didn't even care about what else was out there? And then went on to be a happy, functioning adult?
~Michelle
Faith Void Taintor
Sent from my iPhone
On Mar 25, 2010, at 12:03 PM, "eintob, d.a." <michelle_bailey@...>
wrote:
week. He is a graphic designer/programmer and works from home. He's in
front of a computer most of the day pretty much everyday. He stops to
play with his family and do things around the house. I do the shopping
and kid running. He's a very content man. He is not agoraphobic.
I can see similar tendencies in my son. Though he's young and has more
energy so he does run around outside more.
Faith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
On Mar 25, 2010, at 12:03 PM, "eintob, d.a." <michelle_bailey@...>
wrote:
>*** My dh rarely leaves the house. I don't think he has in well over a
>
> Since then, he literally almost never leaves the house. The only
> activity he engages in is online gaming. He's online usually around
> 12-15 hours a day. He comes out of his room for food (sometimes). On
> very rare occasions he will play Band Hero with us. We have offered
> to help him find a job...to learn to drive...to take karate/archery/
> piano/anything-he-might-even-be-remotely-interested-in lessons.
> We've offered to take vacations to the places his online friends
> live so he can meet them. We've offered to go to gaming conventions.
> He refuses everything.
>
>
week. He is a graphic designer/programmer and works from home. He's in
front of a computer most of the day pretty much everyday. He stops to
play with his family and do things around the house. I do the shopping
and kid running. He's a very content man. He is not agoraphobic.
I can see similar tendencies in my son. Though he's young and has more
energy so he does run around outside more.
Faith
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen Swanay
On Mar 25, 2010, at 12:03 PM, michelle_bailey@... wrote:
Since then, he literally almost never leaves the house. The only
activity he engages in is online gaming. He's online usually
around12-15 hours a day. He comes out of his room for food
(sometimes). On very rare occasions he will play Band Hero with us. We
have offered to help him find a job...to learn to drive...to take
karate/archery/piano/anything-he-might-even-be-remotely-interested-in
lessons. We've offered to take vacations to the places his online
friends live so he can meet them. We've offered to go to gaming
conventions. He refuses everything.
*****************************************************************************
I think it is important to really understand that society has changed.
It is not uncommon to be complete strangers with your next door
neighbor...(I don't think I've ever seen the woman who lives to our
right and I've never spoken to the couple who lives to our left) but
to "know" people from around the world because of the internet.
That's new. If you are over 40, that's NOT the way you grew up as a
child. So unless you make the intentional change in your thinking to
accommodate this "new" life....it's going to look agoraphobic and
strange.
Now, if what your Ex is talking about is "He's 18 he needs to grow up,
get out and start acting like a man!" That's different. But it is
entirely possible that your son is a very social creature he's just
being social through his computer. Who knows...maybe he's in my guild
in WoW =P
Karen
"Correlation does not imply causation."
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem
as a nail." Abraham Maslow
Ulrike Haupt
Michelle
My youngest, Alex, will be 18 in June. After three disastrous years in school I had him home. He has the 180 degree rhythm (total night owl even when trying to change).
He is online as much as he can. Has recently started to connect with others online. (This works well as the US guys are online when it is night for us :)) Is into music (guitar with all kinds of funky techno background sounds) writing - started a book - art - got more than 100 self designed cat cartoons online within a few weeks, loves shooting (backyard ballistics) and other things. I am building my muscles to when people talk about him going out and 'being someone in the corporate world - including college etc' to say, "I would love to have him live with me when he is 30 or more. I think 'having to go earn your living sucks." It is just one more limiting belief system that we collectively buy into without questioning. Just from my current reality I am living with a husband who has not provided for our upkeep for nearly three years. Why would I require my dear son to go out and put himself into pain. Besides I enjoy what I do at present and it brings in just enough to get by. Don't put yourself into a loop to make things different.
And maybe one day something turns up that is exactly right, as it did for me, after waiting and preparing for ten years, and you are happy and make some good money to boot.(talking to my dear son here) And by the way, Things can change terribly fast. Now you don't see it and suddenly HERE IT IS. Your son likes games - plays games non-stop. thinks, breathes, dreams games and out of the blue he gets a chance to make a buck 'playing' for a living (beta testing). Or he loves history and breathes, sleeps, dreams history and along comes a chance to create a new 'history channel'. Really, we don't know what the future can hold for our super gifted children. And ALL of them are SUPER GIFTED to find their own perfect niche whenever it may be, even at 30 or later.
That is my not so humble 30 $ at least.
Blissings
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa - trying to 'cocoon' my teen for as long at it takes for him to find his wings to fly
PS And my youngest daughter at 24 has not really flown the nest even with two children to her name yet. There is the time to look after the children now and then there may be the time to do her own thing one day.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My youngest, Alex, will be 18 in June. After three disastrous years in school I had him home. He has the 180 degree rhythm (total night owl even when trying to change).
He is online as much as he can. Has recently started to connect with others online. (This works well as the US guys are online when it is night for us :)) Is into music (guitar with all kinds of funky techno background sounds) writing - started a book - art - got more than 100 self designed cat cartoons online within a few weeks, loves shooting (backyard ballistics) and other things. I am building my muscles to when people talk about him going out and 'being someone in the corporate world - including college etc' to say, "I would love to have him live with me when he is 30 or more. I think 'having to go earn your living sucks." It is just one more limiting belief system that we collectively buy into without questioning. Just from my current reality I am living with a husband who has not provided for our upkeep for nearly three years. Why would I require my dear son to go out and put himself into pain. Besides I enjoy what I do at present and it brings in just enough to get by. Don't put yourself into a loop to make things different.
And maybe one day something turns up that is exactly right, as it did for me, after waiting and preparing for ten years, and you are happy and make some good money to boot.(talking to my dear son here) And by the way, Things can change terribly fast. Now you don't see it and suddenly HERE IT IS. Your son likes games - plays games non-stop. thinks, breathes, dreams games and out of the blue he gets a chance to make a buck 'playing' for a living (beta testing). Or he loves history and breathes, sleeps, dreams history and along comes a chance to create a new 'history channel'. Really, we don't know what the future can hold for our super gifted children. And ALL of them are SUPER GIFTED to find their own perfect niche whenever it may be, even at 30 or later.
That is my not so humble 30 $ at least.
Blissings
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa - trying to 'cocoon' my teen for as long at it takes for him to find his wings to fly
PS And my youngest daughter at 24 has not really flown the nest even with two children to her name yet. There is the time to look after the children now and then there may be the time to do her own thing one day.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]