siblings with money
Dawn Del Rossi
This falls on the heels of buying toys. We give our kids an allowance
based on age - Nicholas (9) gets $9, Alessandra (7) $7, Dominic (6)
$6, Carmella (3) $3 - sometimes with her as she has a hard time
keeping up with it and really doesn't know what to do with it so I
help her as much as possible. This was something several unschoolers
said they do and it seems to work really well with these guys. Here's
the a couple of situations and questions I'd like input on:
Situation 1
Nicholas chooses to get his $100 every 11 weeks while Alessandra and
Dominic choose to get theirs weekly. Nicholas spends his pretty
quickly but because the other 2 get theirs over time they have it more
regularily. So what we end up with is after Nicholas has spent al his
money and the others are buying something Nicholas begs them to buy
something for him too or tries to convince them that whatever he wants
is what they want too so they can share with him. Or he begs me or
one of them to up front him the money and he'll pay us back. I've
done this once before because of a special circumstance but he just
wants to keep adding up his tally. I'm reminded on Popeye ,"I'll
gladly pay you tomorrow for a burger today." but Nicholas is
constantly on the borrowing end and never on the repaying end because
he doesn't catch up. How can I help him? It's frustrating for me to
keep saying no, but we really don't have the money to keep buying
things. It's also very frustrating for the other kids - Nicholas can
be VERY persistent. He also gets upset when I or they don't just give
him the money, he promises to pay us back.
Situation 2
We're out as a family and I've said we can't afford this candy, soda,
ice cream, pizza, Mc Donald's or whatever but one child happens to
have money enough for them to buy whatever said item is and wants to
buy it. All the other children get upset and say, "No xyz can't buy
it, that wouldn't be fair." I tend to agree. If one child has an ice
cream and the other don't, problems arise. So I tend to say, "I
understand you have the money to buy xyz item but the others won't be
able to get it and that would be very upsetting to them." Sometimes
they are understanding of this and other times it's, "Well too bad
it's my money and I want it." Usually I end up saying no, it's not an
option right now we'll see if maybe another time we can get it. I'd
really like some other strategies for dealing with this situation.
Thanks,
Dawn
based on age - Nicholas (9) gets $9, Alessandra (7) $7, Dominic (6)
$6, Carmella (3) $3 - sometimes with her as she has a hard time
keeping up with it and really doesn't know what to do with it so I
help her as much as possible. This was something several unschoolers
said they do and it seems to work really well with these guys. Here's
the a couple of situations and questions I'd like input on:
Situation 1
Nicholas chooses to get his $100 every 11 weeks while Alessandra and
Dominic choose to get theirs weekly. Nicholas spends his pretty
quickly but because the other 2 get theirs over time they have it more
regularily. So what we end up with is after Nicholas has spent al his
money and the others are buying something Nicholas begs them to buy
something for him too or tries to convince them that whatever he wants
is what they want too so they can share with him. Or he begs me or
one of them to up front him the money and he'll pay us back. I've
done this once before because of a special circumstance but he just
wants to keep adding up his tally. I'm reminded on Popeye ,"I'll
gladly pay you tomorrow for a burger today." but Nicholas is
constantly on the borrowing end and never on the repaying end because
he doesn't catch up. How can I help him? It's frustrating for me to
keep saying no, but we really don't have the money to keep buying
things. It's also very frustrating for the other kids - Nicholas can
be VERY persistent. He also gets upset when I or they don't just give
him the money, he promises to pay us back.
Situation 2
We're out as a family and I've said we can't afford this candy, soda,
ice cream, pizza, Mc Donald's or whatever but one child happens to
have money enough for them to buy whatever said item is and wants to
buy it. All the other children get upset and say, "No xyz can't buy
it, that wouldn't be fair." I tend to agree. If one child has an ice
cream and the other don't, problems arise. So I tend to say, "I
understand you have the money to buy xyz item but the others won't be
able to get it and that would be very upsetting to them." Sometimes
they are understanding of this and other times it's, "Well too bad
it's my money and I want it." Usually I end up saying no, it's not an
option right now we'll see if maybe another time we can get it. I'd
really like some other strategies for dealing with this situation.
Thanks,
Dawn
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], Dawn Del Rossi <dawn@...> wrote:
The other thing is to wonder what kind of problems? I'm sure its a massive hassle and headache for you, but I also wonder how the dynamic would change if you switch your focus to working through the social issues rather than controlling spending. Its a real world situation that some people have money for fun stuff and others don't, and learning how to handle those issues is part of living in the world.
Sharon mentioned acknowledging kids' feelings by using a process called "mirroring" - is that something that might help in the moment? That technique or something similar, to let kids know you understand their feelings? Another thought is for you to talk about your own feelings and strategies where the emotional side of spending is concerned - not talking about saving and wish lists but how you handle disappointment in the moment. That might be more something to do with your older kids rather than the younger.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>How can I help him? It's frustrating for me toWhat about "splitting" his allowance? Giving him $50 in a lump sum (for instance) and then just a few dollars a week? That's something I've switched to with Morgan b/c we were running into similar issues. I was giving her essentially all the money that was available for her to spend, and she was baffled b/c then I was saying "no" anytime she wanted me to buy her something. In Mo's case, she wasn't spending it, she likes to save her money! So she'd put her money away and turn to me and ask for something and then be in tears when I reminded her that she had money of her own.
> keep saying no, but we really don't have the money to keep buying
> things. It's also very frustrating for the other kids - Nicholas can
> be VERY persistent.
>>If one child has an iceIs it consistent which kids have "extra" money to spend on those sorts of things? I'm wondering if you can talk to that child/those kids privately before you go out - I know it helps if I can say to Mo "I don't have extra money today, so please don't ask for me to buy you something in this store". Remind them of how siblings react and how much of a drag that can be.
> cream and the other don't, problems arise.
The other thing is to wonder what kind of problems? I'm sure its a massive hassle and headache for you, but I also wonder how the dynamic would change if you switch your focus to working through the social issues rather than controlling spending. Its a real world situation that some people have money for fun stuff and others don't, and learning how to handle those issues is part of living in the world.
> All the other children get upset and say, "No xyz can't buyBringing the idea of "fair" into things is tricky. In a sense, taking money away from someone else isn't More fair than that person buying something the others can't afford - and when you say "no, you can't spend that money" you're saying its not Really that person's money to spend. You're taking it back.
> it, that wouldn't be fair." I tend to agree.
Sharon mentioned acknowledging kids' feelings by using a process called "mirroring" - is that something that might help in the moment? That technique or something similar, to let kids know you understand their feelings? Another thought is for you to talk about your own feelings and strategies where the emotional side of spending is concerned - not talking about saving and wish lists but how you handle disappointment in the moment. That might be more something to do with your older kids rather than the younger.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
lalow66
Our kids are close together like that too and we have a similiar system, only less money. They go 8,7,6,and 4.
I spend alot of time reminding my kids and helping them budget, but not forcing. My 8 year old often bring change to the store with him so he can get a candy bar or something. I just remind the others that if they want one they should get their change too. Although, i do think it is just fine for him to buy when they are not, they do get upset. So typically while in the store, especially if I know he has money to spend, i will pick up box of cookies or something for them all, so if he buys candy I will remind them that that is his money but I have a treat for everybody too. My little ones have ALOT of trouble keeping up with their money so I have a bank account option for them all and I keep it all written down, like a bank register. If the younger two get money from birthdays or something, I just keep an eye on them till they loose interest in it and leave it laying some where and then quietly put it in their bank, they have never missed it. Then if they want something we talk about how much they have in the bank and how much they are spending.
My oldest likes to save for bigger items, my middle son spends his consistently, although he did just save up for a ds over 3/4months.
I do think I start giving your son his allowance once a week and then if wants to give it back to you to hold he can and save it, but it is there for him to spend as well. Just reminding him he how much he will have left.
I spend alot of time reminding my kids and helping them budget, but not forcing. My 8 year old often bring change to the store with him so he can get a candy bar or something. I just remind the others that if they want one they should get their change too. Although, i do think it is just fine for him to buy when they are not, they do get upset. So typically while in the store, especially if I know he has money to spend, i will pick up box of cookies or something for them all, so if he buys candy I will remind them that that is his money but I have a treat for everybody too. My little ones have ALOT of trouble keeping up with their money so I have a bank account option for them all and I keep it all written down, like a bank register. If the younger two get money from birthdays or something, I just keep an eye on them till they loose interest in it and leave it laying some where and then quietly put it in their bank, they have never missed it. Then if they want something we talk about how much they have in the bank and how much they are spending.
My oldest likes to save for bigger items, my middle son spends his consistently, although he did just save up for a ds over 3/4months.
I do think I start giving your son his allowance once a week and then if wants to give it back to you to hold he can and save it, but it is there for him to spend as well. Just reminding him he how much he will have left.
--- In [email protected], Dawn Del Rossi <dawn@...> wrote:
>
> This falls on the heels of buying toys. We give our kids an allowance
> based on age - Nicholas (9) gets $9, Alessandra (7) $7, Dominic (6)
> $6, Carmella (3) $3 - sometimes with her as she has a hard time
> keeping up with it and really doesn't know what to do with it so I
> help her as much as possible. This was something several unschoolers
> said they do and it seems to work really well with these guys. Here's
> the a couple of situations and questions I'd like input on:
>
> Situation 1
> Nicholas chooses to get his $100 every 11 weeks while Alessandra and
> Dominic choose to get theirs weekly. Nicholas spends his pretty
> quickly but because the other 2 get theirs over time they have it more
> regularily. So what we end up with is after Nicholas has spent al his
> money and the others are buying something Nicholas begs them to buy
> something for him too or tries to convince them that whatever he wants
> is what they want too so they can share with him. Or he begs me or
> one of them to up front him the money and he'll pay us back. I've
> done this once before because of a special circumstance but he just
> wants to keep adding up his tally. I'm reminded on Popeye ,"I'll
> gladly pay you tomorrow for a burger today." but Nicholas is
> constantly on the borrowing end and never on the repaying end because
> he doesn't catch up. How can I help him? It's frustrating for me to
> keep saying no, but we really don't have the money to keep buying
> things. It's also very frustrating for the other kids - Nicholas can
> be VERY persistent. He also gets upset when I or they don't just give
> him the money, he promises to pay us back.
>
> Situation 2
> We're out as a family and I've said we can't afford this candy, soda,
> ice cream, pizza, Mc Donald's or whatever but one child happens to
> have money enough for them to buy whatever said item is and wants to
> buy it. All the other children get upset and say, "No xyz can't buy
> it, that wouldn't be fair." I tend to agree. If one child has an ice
> cream and the other don't, problems arise. So I tend to say, "I
> understand you have the money to buy xyz item but the others won't be
> able to get it and that would be very upsetting to them." Sometimes
> they are understanding of this and other times it's, "Well too bad
> it's my money and I want it." Usually I end up saying no, it's not an
> option right now we'll see if maybe another time we can get it. I'd
> really like some other strategies for dealing with this situation.
>
> Thanks,
> Dawn
>
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "lalow66" <lalow@...> wrote:
Mo went through a stage where she couldn't keep up with her cash, but also wanted to be able to hold it in her hand in the store - basically to use it to count out how much she had vs how much things cost, but also she liked the Idea of Having Money. She'd set it down looking at things in the store, though, and forget it - she was 4ish, I think. So I'd keep up with her money, but give her play money to hold in the store. That met her needs without the concern that she'd lose her money.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>If the younger two get money from birthdays or something, I just keep an eye on them till they loose interest in it and leave it laying some where and then quietly put it in their bank, they have never missed it. Then if they want something we talk about how much they have in the bank and how much they are spending.*******************
Mo went through a stage where she couldn't keep up with her cash, but also wanted to be able to hold it in her hand in the store - basically to use it to count out how much she had vs how much things cost, but also she liked the Idea of Having Money. She'd set it down looking at things in the store, though, and forget it - she was 4ish, I think. So I'd keep up with her money, but give her play money to hold in the store. That met her needs without the concern that she'd lose her money.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
Faith Void
I have been through this. Have you tried just letting it play out. There has
been times when someone had money and the other didn't. It was hard watching
the one without in pain. I just parented through the disappointment. I
acknowledge and loved them. I have to say though that the child who was
eating ice cream alone wasn't enjoying it as much as when everyone was
eating ice cream. It didn't happen too much. We would also discuss options,
like if you buy the taco bell (that was biggie for a while) can you wait and
eat it by yourself when we get home. I think that a child can understand
that s/he would feel great if they were the one without.
maybe a problem solving after the fact could be helpful.
Faith
On Sat, Mar 20, 2010 at 1:22 AM, Dawn Del Rossi <
dawn@...> wrote:
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
been times when someone had money and the other didn't. It was hard watching
the one without in pain. I just parented through the disappointment. I
acknowledge and loved them. I have to say though that the child who was
eating ice cream alone wasn't enjoying it as much as when everyone was
eating ice cream. It didn't happen too much. We would also discuss options,
like if you buy the taco bell (that was biggie for a while) can you wait and
eat it by yourself when we get home. I think that a child can understand
that s/he would feel great if they were the one without.
maybe a problem solving after the fact could be helpful.
Faith
On Sat, Mar 20, 2010 at 1:22 AM, Dawn Del Rossi <
dawn@...> wrote:
>--
>
> Situation 2
> We're out as a family and I've said we can't afford this candy, soda,
> ice cream, pizza, Mc Donald's or whatever but one child happens to
> have money enough for them to buy whatever said item is and wants to
> buy it. All the other children get upset and say, "No xyz can't buy
> it, that wouldn't be fair." I tend to agree. If one child has an ice
> cream and the other don't, problems arise. So I tend to say, "I
> understand you have the money to buy xyz item but the others won't be
> able to get it and that would be very upsetting to them." Sometimes
> they are understanding of this and other times it's, "Well too bad
> it's my money and I want it." Usually I end up saying no, it's not an
> option right now we'll see if maybe another time we can get it. I'd
> really like some other strategies for dealing with this situation.
>
> Thanks,
> Dawn
>
> __._,_.
>
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]