two-year old has difficulty with choices
Sasha ViaSasha
My two year old has recently began to have a lot of trouble with choices.
Whether to wear one coat or another, watch one video or another, he
genuinely become quite hysterical, picking one and then the other, and
adamantly insisting on one shirt, but already, while we are still putting
the shirt on, completely losing it and demanding another shirt. He is very
familiar with his wardrobe and is not picking from what we show him, but
naming the shirts: "truck shirt," or "doggie shirt,". Sometimes he insists
on wearing a shirt for several days,which is fine, but if something does
need cleaned it upsets him greatly. It is not in an environment of rushing
out the door where this is happening. We do not necessarily restrict him to
one or two choices, but naturally I have to intervene and pick something for
him, and he usually calms down after I have done so, but sometimes he is
hysterical for a while. With videos I have begun to hide them because he
becomes such a nervous wreck. I can see the problem is that he wants to
watch all of the movies! I myself have difficulties myself making small
decisions such as ordering off a menu or selecting a movie and often make my
husband choose. With large, important issues I know my mind well.
We want our son to have true choices and I want to guide him but without
intervention he just gets more and more distraught. I think it is about
control. I let him select food for himself, from a pool of available foods,
but there are times when he gets hysterical about the food I am eating, even
to the point of trying to take it out of my mouth! For example, if he can't
decide whether he wants his sweet potato heated, but I heat mine up and
offer both choices, he can eat mommy's, which is hot, or the other, which is
cold, but he is furious at my choice. Sometimes this becomes so
overwhelming for me that I put him in his crib for about 15 minutes and just
try to calm down. At times it might seem that he is just being difficult
but I think he is overwhelmed by all of the options. He'll ask me to bring
him water, but refuse it when I bring it, and then scream when I take it
away. I worry we give him too much choice. What is the right balance? I
know at his age there are a lot of frustrations, I want to minimize them for
him yet help him build decision-making skills.
Sasha
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Whether to wear one coat or another, watch one video or another, he
genuinely become quite hysterical, picking one and then the other, and
adamantly insisting on one shirt, but already, while we are still putting
the shirt on, completely losing it and demanding another shirt. He is very
familiar with his wardrobe and is not picking from what we show him, but
naming the shirts: "truck shirt," or "doggie shirt,". Sometimes he insists
on wearing a shirt for several days,which is fine, but if something does
need cleaned it upsets him greatly. It is not in an environment of rushing
out the door where this is happening. We do not necessarily restrict him to
one or two choices, but naturally I have to intervene and pick something for
him, and he usually calms down after I have done so, but sometimes he is
hysterical for a while. With videos I have begun to hide them because he
becomes such a nervous wreck. I can see the problem is that he wants to
watch all of the movies! I myself have difficulties myself making small
decisions such as ordering off a menu or selecting a movie and often make my
husband choose. With large, important issues I know my mind well.
We want our son to have true choices and I want to guide him but without
intervention he just gets more and more distraught. I think it is about
control. I let him select food for himself, from a pool of available foods,
but there are times when he gets hysterical about the food I am eating, even
to the point of trying to take it out of my mouth! For example, if he can't
decide whether he wants his sweet potato heated, but I heat mine up and
offer both choices, he can eat mommy's, which is hot, or the other, which is
cold, but he is furious at my choice. Sometimes this becomes so
overwhelming for me that I put him in his crib for about 15 minutes and just
try to calm down. At times it might seem that he is just being difficult
but I think he is overwhelmed by all of the options. He'll ask me to bring
him water, but refuse it when I bring it, and then scream when I take it
away. I worry we give him too much choice. What is the right balance? I
know at his age there are a lot of frustrations, I want to minimize them for
him yet help him build decision-making skills.
Sasha
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
At two, there's a kind of tension between a strong desire for autonomy
and a realization that the world is WAY bigger than you are which is
scary. Then, there are some people who have to get the "right" choice,
even when there's no right or wrong choice (a blue tshirt or a red
tshirt, doesn't matter much in the overall scheme of things) for
whatever reason (a need to please, fear of disappointing, lots of other
possibilities). When DS was younger, he'd often have choosing troubles.
Most often, we'd just choose not to choose if at all possible. We also
developed sometimes elaborate schemes for "random" choice. For instance,
for the longest time I walked around with 3 of those frilly cocktail
toothpicks in my purse. One with blue frills, one with red, and one with
yellow. If DS was having trouble choosing something, we'd try to narrow
things down as best as we could then he'd assign a choice/option to each
of the toothpicks. I'd hide the frilly ends in my hand and he'd pick a
toothpick. Then he'd consider if that option was what he wanted - he
wasn't "stuck" with whatever he picked, but it helped him to focus his
consideration on one thing at a time. Sometimes, we'd take advantage of
the fact that restaurants give kids crayons and paper kid menus - we'd
put Xs through things one at a time to narrow his choices visibly. It
also helped him sometimes to hear me verbalize my choosing process -
"hmm do I want chicken? No I've had a lot of chicken lately. Pasta? Too
big. Ah ha! They have a fish that I like, I'll get that..." Plus, I'd
rearrange things - like skip the rice pilaf for extra steamed broccoli
(yeah I know I'm mostly using restaurant examples but the process
applied to a lot of other situations). Over time it helped him to see
that most things are not as black and white as he thought. If picking
out a shirt to wear was difficult at this moment, no problem, stay in
pjs (or naked) for now, maybe wrap up in a blanket if it's chilly. I
know you're saying there's no rushing to get out the door or anything
(which is good) but there may still be a feeling of "have to choose NOW"
because this is when Mommy is asking. We rarely had a "time to get
dressed" or "time to eat" type thing based on the clock when DS was
younger, that only added to his stress level (even if it was a situation
of having a set appointment time for something, we'd work with it so
that getting dressed could take an hour or two in little bits and pieces
if he needed it that way). In the sweet potato example you gave, what I
might have done would be to say something to the effect of "well, cold
is right here now - you can try it that way. We can change it to warm if
you change your mind." Oh yeah that's a point I don't know if I made
clear - that sense of A SINGLE RIGHT CHOICE, that once the choice is
made it's immutable. Very concrete, black and white, set in stone
thinking - not uncommon in toddlers and young children. Time is a
definite factor - developmentally things will change over time.
Sometimes what it took for DS to choose the red shirt or the blue shirt
was for me to not "offer" either but simply to provide whatever info was
pertinent (temperature, plans for the day, etc) and then just sit
quietly or even leave the room "I'm going to go potty, I'll be right
back" type thing to allow him space to choose without other eyes on him.
Deb R
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and a realization that the world is WAY bigger than you are which is
scary. Then, there are some people who have to get the "right" choice,
even when there's no right or wrong choice (a blue tshirt or a red
tshirt, doesn't matter much in the overall scheme of things) for
whatever reason (a need to please, fear of disappointing, lots of other
possibilities). When DS was younger, he'd often have choosing troubles.
Most often, we'd just choose not to choose if at all possible. We also
developed sometimes elaborate schemes for "random" choice. For instance,
for the longest time I walked around with 3 of those frilly cocktail
toothpicks in my purse. One with blue frills, one with red, and one with
yellow. If DS was having trouble choosing something, we'd try to narrow
things down as best as we could then he'd assign a choice/option to each
of the toothpicks. I'd hide the frilly ends in my hand and he'd pick a
toothpick. Then he'd consider if that option was what he wanted - he
wasn't "stuck" with whatever he picked, but it helped him to focus his
consideration on one thing at a time. Sometimes, we'd take advantage of
the fact that restaurants give kids crayons and paper kid menus - we'd
put Xs through things one at a time to narrow his choices visibly. It
also helped him sometimes to hear me verbalize my choosing process -
"hmm do I want chicken? No I've had a lot of chicken lately. Pasta? Too
big. Ah ha! They have a fish that I like, I'll get that..." Plus, I'd
rearrange things - like skip the rice pilaf for extra steamed broccoli
(yeah I know I'm mostly using restaurant examples but the process
applied to a lot of other situations). Over time it helped him to see
that most things are not as black and white as he thought. If picking
out a shirt to wear was difficult at this moment, no problem, stay in
pjs (or naked) for now, maybe wrap up in a blanket if it's chilly. I
know you're saying there's no rushing to get out the door or anything
(which is good) but there may still be a feeling of "have to choose NOW"
because this is when Mommy is asking. We rarely had a "time to get
dressed" or "time to eat" type thing based on the clock when DS was
younger, that only added to his stress level (even if it was a situation
of having a set appointment time for something, we'd work with it so
that getting dressed could take an hour or two in little bits and pieces
if he needed it that way). In the sweet potato example you gave, what I
might have done would be to say something to the effect of "well, cold
is right here now - you can try it that way. We can change it to warm if
you change your mind." Oh yeah that's a point I don't know if I made
clear - that sense of A SINGLE RIGHT CHOICE, that once the choice is
made it's immutable. Very concrete, black and white, set in stone
thinking - not uncommon in toddlers and young children. Time is a
definite factor - developmentally things will change over time.
Sometimes what it took for DS to choose the red shirt or the blue shirt
was for me to not "offer" either but simply to provide whatever info was
pertinent (temperature, plans for the day, etc) and then just sit
quietly or even leave the room "I'm going to go potty, I'll be right
back" type thing to allow him space to choose without other eyes on him.
Deb R
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This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
www.mastercam.com
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Mar 10, 2010, at 2:12 PM, Sasha ViaSasha wrote:
personality to make that bit of life less frustrating for you?
Or is his patient understanding and help what you need to handle the
moment?
It sounds like your son has your personality quirk and it's not
meshing well with some developmental stage that comes with hitting 2.
There's probably some bit of how the world works that he had an
"Aha!" moment on. Like a "Wait, when I choose this, I have to *not*
choose that too?!? And I have to do that for every single choice?!?"
The intensity is because he's 2 and hasn't found ways that work for
him to deal with it. He won't be 2 forever. But it may take time for
him to build up strategies.
What will help him is what helps you when you're in that state.
Understanding, help to deal with the moment, not expecting him to be
other than who he is. Be calm and understanding with an attitude of
you can get through this together.
Maybe rather than trying to give him strategies or fix the problem,
see yourselves as a team and what you can do together to get through
it. Though it will be mostly you coming up with ideas and doing at
this point and for many years perhaps. He will watch and absorb what
you do. You can't necessarily fix the problem but you can find ways
to get through it. The most important strategy is finding ways to
avoid putting him in the position that causes meltdowns. You won't
prevent them all and that's not the point. You just want to cut down
on them.
But rather than thinking in terms of "I can't give him choices or
he'll melt down," think in terms of adjusting the world as much as
you can for him so that it's something (for the most part) he can
handle right now. And when he can't, understanding is probably the
best thing for him.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I myself have difficulties myself making smallIs there a way that your husband could change that part of your
> decisions such as ordering off a menu or selecting a movie and
> often make my
> husband choose.
personality to make that bit of life less frustrating for you?
Or is his patient understanding and help what you need to handle the
moment?
It sounds like your son has your personality quirk and it's not
meshing well with some developmental stage that comes with hitting 2.
There's probably some bit of how the world works that he had an
"Aha!" moment on. Like a "Wait, when I choose this, I have to *not*
choose that too?!? And I have to do that for every single choice?!?"
The intensity is because he's 2 and hasn't found ways that work for
him to deal with it. He won't be 2 forever. But it may take time for
him to build up strategies.
What will help him is what helps you when you're in that state.
Understanding, help to deal with the moment, not expecting him to be
other than who he is. Be calm and understanding with an attitude of
you can get through this together.
Maybe rather than trying to give him strategies or fix the problem,
see yourselves as a team and what you can do together to get through
it. Though it will be mostly you coming up with ideas and doing at
this point and for many years perhaps. He will watch and absorb what
you do. You can't necessarily fix the problem but you can find ways
to get through it. The most important strategy is finding ways to
avoid putting him in the position that causes meltdowns. You won't
prevent them all and that's not the point. You just want to cut down
on them.
But rather than thinking in terms of "I can't give him choices or
he'll melt down," think in terms of adjusting the world as much as
you can for him so that it's something (for the most part) he can
handle right now. And when he can't, understanding is probably the
best thing for him.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Mayan
2 things come to mind..too much choice and different kinds of choices.or
executing choice in a different way..2 is a difficult age.for them and for
us. 2 is a difficult age..they want to do things for themselves.chaos
generally results. The best is to find some coping mechanisms for the both
of you. Some examples from my life.
Maya LOVES chosing her own clothing, from a young age (like when she could
resist letting me put something on her) I gave her choice.before, everything
was hung and I would lift her up to choose from her closet. As she was more
mobile.I put her clothing in drawers she could reach.and she would pull them
all out EACH MORNING when she got dressed.to prevent myself from becoming
like a cartoon character with my eyes exploding in rage each time I stopped
folding the clothing. She has a "tops" drawer and a "bottoms" drawer and she
goes in, tears it apart and I just shuffle stuff back if I need to.but she
doesn't even need my help to do it.
Or maybe it's just overwhelming for him.you could lay out 2 options, and
then if he asks for something specific, get it for him, but at least the
choice is narrowed from the start.
Sometimes Maya can't decide what to wear.or she wants shorts and it's 50
out.so we layer.the shorts she wants over or (my preference J) under jeans
or long pants.maybe if he can't decide between shirts he wears both?
Also, maybe a small fridge with "pre-loaded" sippy cups.water, juice,
whatever.so that he can get them for himself.I found an office style fridge
easily on freecycle. Also, Maya has a snack drawer that is low so that she
can get into it without my help (though sometimes she asks me to get her
something anyway.which I happily do) some of the things in her drawer are
nuts, M&Ms, rasins, pita chips, cereal, freeze dried apples ect.there is
also fruit on the counter that she can access on her own (but this does not
mean that I do not offer her things throughout the day too.it just means she
can do things for herself if she wants)
Maybe some of these suggestions will help with his choice challenges. Of
course, when they have free access to clothes, snacks, ect..there will be
more mess for you to clean up.I remember Maya grabbing a box of fruit loops
(which she asked for, tasted, and never touched again) that lived in her
drawer for a while.and dumping them on the floor.while saying, I'm making a
mess because I'm mad at you.not my favorite moment ever, but definitely a
safe way for her to express anger and get it out (luckily that was a one
time thing).and then there is just the normal mess of a toddler.but when
cleaning after her, I just think about how much better it might be in the
long run.also, whe helps me clean and is starting to not be so "chaotic"
when getting things for herself!
-amanda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
executing choice in a different way..2 is a difficult age.for them and for
us. 2 is a difficult age..they want to do things for themselves.chaos
generally results. The best is to find some coping mechanisms for the both
of you. Some examples from my life.
Maya LOVES chosing her own clothing, from a young age (like when she could
resist letting me put something on her) I gave her choice.before, everything
was hung and I would lift her up to choose from her closet. As she was more
mobile.I put her clothing in drawers she could reach.and she would pull them
all out EACH MORNING when she got dressed.to prevent myself from becoming
like a cartoon character with my eyes exploding in rage each time I stopped
folding the clothing. She has a "tops" drawer and a "bottoms" drawer and she
goes in, tears it apart and I just shuffle stuff back if I need to.but she
doesn't even need my help to do it.
Or maybe it's just overwhelming for him.you could lay out 2 options, and
then if he asks for something specific, get it for him, but at least the
choice is narrowed from the start.
Sometimes Maya can't decide what to wear.or she wants shorts and it's 50
out.so we layer.the shorts she wants over or (my preference J) under jeans
or long pants.maybe if he can't decide between shirts he wears both?
Also, maybe a small fridge with "pre-loaded" sippy cups.water, juice,
whatever.so that he can get them for himself.I found an office style fridge
easily on freecycle. Also, Maya has a snack drawer that is low so that she
can get into it without my help (though sometimes she asks me to get her
something anyway.which I happily do) some of the things in her drawer are
nuts, M&Ms, rasins, pita chips, cereal, freeze dried apples ect.there is
also fruit on the counter that she can access on her own (but this does not
mean that I do not offer her things throughout the day too.it just means she
can do things for herself if she wants)
Maybe some of these suggestions will help with his choice challenges. Of
course, when they have free access to clothes, snacks, ect..there will be
more mess for you to clean up.I remember Maya grabbing a box of fruit loops
(which she asked for, tasted, and never touched again) that lived in her
drawer for a while.and dumping them on the floor.while saying, I'm making a
mess because I'm mad at you.not my favorite moment ever, but definitely a
safe way for her to express anger and get it out (luckily that was a one
time thing).and then there is just the normal mess of a toddler.but when
cleaning after her, I just think about how much better it might be in the
long run.also, whe helps me clean and is starting to not be so "chaotic"
when getting things for herself!
-amanda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
-=-=-I worry we give him too much choice. What is the right balance? I
know at his age there are a lot of frustrations, I want to minimize them for
him yet help him build decision-making skills.-=-=-
I was just thinking of my own son's struggles (he is now 11.5) as a
toddler... many of which stemmed from the same kind of overwhelm with
choices. *I* thought I was giving him *real* choices (all the toddler
development propaganda said to!) of "Red shirt or Blue shirt" and "Warmed or
Regular" but in hindsight and honestly, this technique set is FALSE and set
us up for misery every.single.day.
Would have been so much better to have continued on our path of trust -- his
trust in me that I know what is comfortable for him to wear and my trust in
his communication about his clothing -- and addressed REAL choices when they
really did come up (once a week "chocolate or twist icecream?"). Offering
clothes, "here's your blue tee-shirt! All fresh and soft; I know how much
you love it!" is much better with Hayden, even NOW, than "Red or Blue?" (and
yes, my boy would also spend a lot of time pining for the unchosen shirt,
sure it was the better choice than the one he made...)
With food, I've come to realize that a genuine offer is a much easier
springboard for him than an open "choose!" situation. i.e. "Hey, I'm
thinking of making a turkey sandwich, can I make one for you, too?" "Mama's
having a warm sweet potato, would you like some too?" From there, he either
has a ready-made idea or a place to begin to make his own.... i.e. "Ooooh,
can I have a PB&J instead?" or "Can I have my sweet potato cold instead?"
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.wordpress.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
know at his age there are a lot of frustrations, I want to minimize them for
him yet help him build decision-making skills.-=-=-
I was just thinking of my own son's struggles (he is now 11.5) as a
toddler... many of which stemmed from the same kind of overwhelm with
choices. *I* thought I was giving him *real* choices (all the toddler
development propaganda said to!) of "Red shirt or Blue shirt" and "Warmed or
Regular" but in hindsight and honestly, this technique set is FALSE and set
us up for misery every.single.day.
Would have been so much better to have continued on our path of trust -- his
trust in me that I know what is comfortable for him to wear and my trust in
his communication about his clothing -- and addressed REAL choices when they
really did come up (once a week "chocolate or twist icecream?"). Offering
clothes, "here's your blue tee-shirt! All fresh and soft; I know how much
you love it!" is much better with Hayden, even NOW, than "Red or Blue?" (and
yes, my boy would also spend a lot of time pining for the unchosen shirt,
sure it was the better choice than the one he made...)
With food, I've come to realize that a genuine offer is a much easier
springboard for him than an open "choose!" situation. i.e. "Hey, I'm
thinking of making a turkey sandwich, can I make one for you, too?" "Mama's
having a warm sweet potato, would you like some too?" From there, he either
has a ready-made idea or a place to begin to make his own.... i.e. "Ooooh,
can I have a PB&J instead?" or "Can I have my sweet potato cold instead?"
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.wordpress.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "Debra Rossing" <debra.rossing@...> wrote:
So if a child is having trouble with decision making, it could help to look for ways for him to feel more capable in general. Especially a 2yo, who's going to tend to be More driven by competence than autonomy per se, since he's still working on mastering his own body. By around 3ish the drive tends to shift a little more in the direction of autonomy, of wanting independent choices, at least in the home.
Morgan liked exploring competence from a pretty early age, but she also didn't want to make a whole lot of decisions. Figuring out How to do things was her focus - how to get her shirt On was a much bigger interest for her than picking one, for instance. Or deciding How to eat a potato was a bigger focus than deciding if it should be warm or cool or sweet or white.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>This is going off on a tangent! It can be useful to know that "autonomy" often gets used to mean two things rolled together: autonomy itself, in the sense of independent action or decision making and another driving force known as competence. With young children, in particular, it can be hard to tell those things apart - the results of independent actions impact on one's sense of competence, after all - but it can still be helpful at times to think of them separately. It can give you more ideas, options to try.
> At two, there's a kind of tension between a strong desire for autonomy
> and a realization that the world is WAY bigger than you are which is
> scary.
So if a child is having trouble with decision making, it could help to look for ways for him to feel more capable in general. Especially a 2yo, who's going to tend to be More driven by competence than autonomy per se, since he's still working on mastering his own body. By around 3ish the drive tends to shift a little more in the direction of autonomy, of wanting independent choices, at least in the home.
Morgan liked exploring competence from a pretty early age, but she also didn't want to make a whole lot of decisions. Figuring out How to do things was her focus - how to get her shirt On was a much bigger interest for her than picking one, for instance. Or deciding How to eat a potato was a bigger focus than deciding if it should be warm or cool or sweet or white.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)