Help with conflict instigation from a 3 year old
Amanda Mayan
We currently have relatives sharing our house with us. They moved in (from
France) a week ago and will be with us for 2-3 months until they decide if
they will stay and get their own place or to return to France. Them moving
out before 2 or 3 months is NOT an option at this time. Additionally, when
were in a difficult spot about 18 months ago, they welcomed us into their
home, where we resided for about 6 weeks. At that time, our child and theirs
(who is a year younger) got on beautifully.Maya even taught their daughter
to walk! Not so the case anymore... Maya, who tends to play fine with most
children, never acted out towards her brother (now 4 m) when he was born,
and is generally agreeable, kind, and generous (for a 3 year old) is really
having problems with Anael (her cousin, who is 2) to compound things, they
do not have a common language, so any communication must be non-verbal.
Anything that Anael touches (even if Maya is engaged in another activity)
Maya tries to grab.it might be mine or mayas or even
anael's.irrelevant.whatever she has, Maya grabs, and then anael responds
with violence and the is mayhem that must be controlled. The girls are never
unattended, usually there are even 2 adults around. I'm generally of the
"let them work it out" opinion, but Anael is bigger than Maya and bites and
hits, and Maya scratches, so I'm a bit concerned about someone getting
hurt.also, the household just cannot go on like this for the next several
months.
Suggestions??
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
France) a week ago and will be with us for 2-3 months until they decide if
they will stay and get their own place or to return to France. Them moving
out before 2 or 3 months is NOT an option at this time. Additionally, when
were in a difficult spot about 18 months ago, they welcomed us into their
home, where we resided for about 6 weeks. At that time, our child and theirs
(who is a year younger) got on beautifully.Maya even taught their daughter
to walk! Not so the case anymore... Maya, who tends to play fine with most
children, never acted out towards her brother (now 4 m) when he was born,
and is generally agreeable, kind, and generous (for a 3 year old) is really
having problems with Anael (her cousin, who is 2) to compound things, they
do not have a common language, so any communication must be non-verbal.
Anything that Anael touches (even if Maya is engaged in another activity)
Maya tries to grab.it might be mine or mayas or even
anael's.irrelevant.whatever she has, Maya grabs, and then anael responds
with violence and the is mayhem that must be controlled. The girls are never
unattended, usually there are even 2 adults around. I'm generally of the
"let them work it out" opinion, but Anael is bigger than Maya and bites and
hits, and Maya scratches, so I'm a bit concerned about someone getting
hurt.also, the household just cannot go on like this for the next several
months.
Suggestions??
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Mayan" <amanda@...> wrote:
Does she have a space in the house that's just hers? That could help, too, if she has a sense that she can be the one to decide who comes in to that space or use the things in that space. In a sense, there's a whole other family in her space, right now, which is stressful for a little one. So things that weren't an issue before are more likely to blow up while they're visiting. If your dd seems to do better when you're out of the house, that's something else to try - taking her out more so she's not so keyed up about "her" home being full of other people.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>I'm generally of theIts not uncommon for three year olds to want to take charge of their environment, and another child who's mobile can be a real challenge to that urge (which is likely why you're not seeing any trouble with the baby - he's not up and about yet)! Something that can help a whole lot is finding ways for your 3yo to have lots and lots of chances to make decsions and feel capable. Can she reach all the light switches? Pour her own drinks? Grab a snack without any help? get to all her own toys without asking? Also consider offering her things to do that involve learning to control her own body and exert control over the environment - give her things to pour and invite her to help wipe up spills and wash things. Involve her in cooking and other household tasks.
> "let them work it out" opinion, but Anael is bigger than Maya and bites and
> hits, and Maya scratches, so I'm a bit concerned about someone getting
> hurt.also, the household just cannot go on like this for the next several
> months.
Does she have a space in the house that's just hers? That could help, too, if she has a sense that she can be the one to decide who comes in to that space or use the things in that space. In a sense, there's a whole other family in her space, right now, which is stressful for a little one. So things that weren't an issue before are more likely to blow up while they're visiting. If your dd seems to do better when you're out of the house, that's something else to try - taking her out more so she's not so keyed up about "her" home being full of other people.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
Schuyler
It's hard to have someone else come into your house and take all your stuff. Can you go through her stuff, with her, and pick out the things that she really doesn't want to share with Anael? You two could figure out somewhere that she felt was a good place to have all the special stuff, including anything of yours that she thinks should be off limits, and put it up there. Then you can take it down in quiet, private moments and play with those things without Anael being present. Don't worry about this being an issue of being generous or not, figure
out ways to meet Maya's need for her stuff to be her stuff and her home
to still feel like her space. Maybe going out more would help. Make life more about public spaces than Maya's private space.
At 2 and 3 working it out themselves shouldn't be part of the picture. Step in and hang out and help distract. Talk to Maya about what would be fine for Anael to play with and have lots of those things to hand to distract Anael with if things are moving too quickly to conflict. 2 to 3 months is a long time, figuring out ways to buffer Maya as quickly as possible will help to make that time move more quickly.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Amanda Mayan <amanda@...>
We currently have relatives sharing our house with us. They moved in (from
France) a week ago and will be with us for 2-3 months until they decide if
they will stay and get their own place or to return to France. Them moving
out before 2 or 3 months is NOT an option at this time. Additionally, when
were in a difficult spot about 18 months ago, they welcomed us into their
home, where we resided for about 6 weeks. At that time, our child and theirs
(who is a year younger) got on beautifully.Maya even taught their daughter
to walk! Not so the case anymore... Maya, who tends to play fine with most
children, never acted out towards her brother (now 4 m) when he was born,
and is generally agreeable, kind, and generous (for a 3 year old) is really
having problems with Anael (her cousin, who is 2) to compound things, they
do not have a common language, so any communication must be non-verbal.
Anything that Anael touches (even if Maya is engaged in another activity)
Maya tries to grab.it might be mine or mayas or even
anael's.irrelevant.whatever she has, Maya grabs, and then anael responds
with violence and the is mayhem that must be controlled. The girls are never
unattended, usually there are even 2 adults around. I'm generally of the
"let them work it out" opinion, but Anael is bigger than Maya and bites and
hits, and Maya scratches, so I'm a bit concerned about someone getting
hurt.also, the household just cannot go on like this for the next several
months.
Suggestions??
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
out ways to meet Maya's need for her stuff to be her stuff and her home
to still feel like her space. Maybe going out more would help. Make life more about public spaces than Maya's private space.
At 2 and 3 working it out themselves shouldn't be part of the picture. Step in and hang out and help distract. Talk to Maya about what would be fine for Anael to play with and have lots of those things to hand to distract Anael with if things are moving too quickly to conflict. 2 to 3 months is a long time, figuring out ways to buffer Maya as quickly as possible will help to make that time move more quickly.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Amanda Mayan <amanda@...>
We currently have relatives sharing our house with us. They moved in (from
France) a week ago and will be with us for 2-3 months until they decide if
they will stay and get their own place or to return to France. Them moving
out before 2 or 3 months is NOT an option at this time. Additionally, when
were in a difficult spot about 18 months ago, they welcomed us into their
home, where we resided for about 6 weeks. At that time, our child and theirs
(who is a year younger) got on beautifully.Maya even taught their daughter
to walk! Not so the case anymore... Maya, who tends to play fine with most
children, never acted out towards her brother (now 4 m) when he was born,
and is generally agreeable, kind, and generous (for a 3 year old) is really
having problems with Anael (her cousin, who is 2) to compound things, they
do not have a common language, so any communication must be non-verbal.
Anything that Anael touches (even if Maya is engaged in another activity)
Maya tries to grab.it might be mine or mayas or even
anael's.irrelevant.whatever she has, Maya grabs, and then anael responds
with violence and the is mayhem that must be controlled. The girls are never
unattended, usually there are even 2 adults around. I'm generally of the
"let them work it out" opinion, but Anael is bigger than Maya and bites and
hits, and Maya scratches, so I'm a bit concerned about someone getting
hurt.also, the household just cannot go on like this for the next several
months.
Suggestions??
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]