Shira Rocklin

I'm having difficulty with this issue. I understand what everyone is
saying about not putting our fears onto our children. And I know that
belief in 'science' and 'studies' is questionable, since science changes
"its" mind all the time.

Someone said, some kids get cavities no matter how much you brush their
teeth. Some kids never get a cavity and never brush their teeth. Are
there studies showing that children who brush their teeth regularly have
a decrease in cavities? Because, the two other statements could very
well be true, but if brushing would reduce the risk of lots of cavities
by 50% (I'm making that up), then it would still be worth it to do that.

When does sharing our fears become fear-mongering?

If the Mack truck isn't thundering down the road right now, do you let
your kids (lets say 3-4 years old) play in the street? Of course it
depends on circumstances, like a little side street versus a heavily
trafficked street. But say a medium traffic street, its empty right
now, but cars do come by every few minutes.

When Temima was two, and I never knew which direction she was going to
walk/run, I made sure that we held hands when crossing the street,
unless she was in a stroller, and if she refused, I would pick her up
and carry her across. I gave her time to dally, and play, I talked with
her, all sorts of stuff... but at the end, there were times when it just
wasn't working, and we did need to cross the street, and I just picked
her up. Or times when we needed to hurry and I just picked her up at
the beginning when she first refused. As she got more predictable in
her 'bolting' I slowly let up, and now I remind her that we are coming
to a street, and she usually comes to me and holds hands, or holds the
stroller, but often also just moves closer, stands close by, etc. So I
don't make her hold hands now, because she obviously has an awareness of
the dangers and that I can guide her across, as I try to inform her on
the information that is guiding me, so that she will be able to follow
those signs later on (the walk signs, traffic, check for cars, etc).
So, when I was forcing her to hold hands or else pick her up, was I
taking her choice away? Did her age matter? I followed this 'rule'
with her even on small streets, because I'm not able to predict when a
car might suddenly turn onto those streets, or speed up unexpectedly, etc.

otherstar

>>>>>Because, the two other statements could very
well be true, but if brushing would reduce the risk of lots of cavities
by 50% (I'm making that up), then it would still be worth it to do that.<<<<<

Yes, it would be worth doing. However, if brushing teeth became a battle of the wills that ruined your relationship with your child, then no, it would not be worth doing. Reducing (not completely removing) the risk is good but not at the expense of everything else. My oldest daughter refused to brush her teeth. I had a choice between holding her down and forcing the issue or letting it go. She didn't go for the cutesy games. It didn't matter what I said or did. She just would not submit to having her teeth brushed. I will admit that I tried to force the issue once or twice. The end result was that we were both mentally and physically exhausted. If I had to choose between torturing my daughter every night (that is what it felt like) and having a higher risk of cavities. I would take the latter. Even if the statement is true, there are still trade offs that each person must evaluate.

>>>>When does sharing our fears become fear-mongering? <<<<

Sharing your fears becomes fear-mongering when you state your fears as absolute truths.

>>>>If the Mack truck isn't thundering down the road right now, do you let
your kids (lets say 3-4 years old) play in the street?<<<<

That depends. I would probably let them play in the street if I was there to help them in case a car did come.

>>>>So, when I was forcing her to hold hands or else pick her up, was I
taking her choice away? Did her age matter? I followed this 'rule'
with her even on small streets, because I'm not able to predict when a
car might suddenly turn onto those streets, or speed up unexpectedly, etc.<<<<

Yes, you were taking away her choice but she was not capable of making a choice in that situation. If I fell and hit my head and passed out, I would hope that my husband would call 911 or would somehow help me. I don't expect him to give me a choice or ask my opinion? I get the feeling that you are misunderstanding the role of choice. We are not saying that you have to stop and ask your kid's permission for everything. We are also not saying that you have to give your children a choice in every single thing that goes on. There are some things where giving them a choice is not possible.

I would venture to say that you can usually tell if you are in a situation where it is okay to let her dally while crossing the street or if it isn't. Sometimes, kids don't care if they have a choice. My older kids accepted the fact that they had to hold my hand or be held while crossing the street so it was never an issue. My 2 year old is a good example of a kid that insists on having choices when crossing the street. She refuses to hold my hand and does not want to be picked up. So, I tell her she has to walk beside me or her dad or her big sister. I keep her close enough that if a car were to come, I could scoop her up and get her out of the way. Age doesn't matter. What matters is the individual situation and the individual child. There are situations that contain imminent danger where it is just plain silly to give your child a choice. I don't give my kids a choice on every. single. thing that goes on in our house. However, I am open to them questioning me about things. If they question MY choices, I will be happy to explain. I will also be happy to let them make choices when they express an interest in making those choices.

The easiest analogy is the relationship that I have with my spouse. I will make choices for him based on what I know about him. If he doesn't like that, he tells me and I act accordingly. Likewise, there are times that I don't want to be burden with a choice so I let my husband or kids make a decision for me.

Connie





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Joyce Fetteroll

On Jan 3, 2010, at 7:21 PM, Shira Rocklin wrote:

> So, when I was forcing her to hold hands or else pick her up, was I
> taking her choice away?

Maybe think of the advice given not as parenting rules but as ways to
help your kids explore the world safely and build relationships to
support unschooling.

Maybe. I'm not saying that's a rule ;-) It might be a way of helping
you think clearer but I haven't quite thought through the pitfalls of
that line of thought.

Presumably, since you're unschooling, you want to help them explore
the world and want to build relationships with them as much as
possible. But reality doesn't make every moment best for that.

What you want to be aware of is how you define "reality". Highways
are dangerous. Busy parking lots are dangerous. If Dad appreciates
dinner when he gets home from work and you're not there a lot that
will tear at that relationship. Staying at a party after it's done is
rude. Reality limits our choices if we don't want the negative
consequences.

But all the things most conventional parents lump into the "have to"
category and say are "just reality" like grocery shopping, cleaning,
quiet adult time, organic foods ;-), adult purchases trumping kid
purchases all those -- in reality ;-) -- are flexible. As adults we
have greater power to arrange our lives to fit those in. To build
relationships we should work to minimize the times we take from the
kids in order to meet those needs.

When reality bumps up against a child's desires there are techniques
to help ease their disappointment. Sympathy. Being playful. Turning
something into a game (though obviously being cautious not to create
a game that encourages running into the street!). Finding the choices
you can give in the situation (for instance I think Deb Lewis said
her son didn't mind holding onto her rather than her holding onto him.)

But the more you arrange your life to avoid the disappointments that
are in your control, the fewer times you're tearing at the
relationships you want to build.

Joyce

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