Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: For those who have been unschooling formany years...
Professional Parenting
Hi Sylvia:
Expectations are communicated in terms of I statements. No, there are no emotional consequences that are "set up" but of course, there are feelings that we feel which could be natural consequences. I feel disappointed when the people I live with don't care about my feelings and needs as they would feel if I did the same. In being married 20 years, I find that giving 150% in doing things I may not want to for my spouse, but do, because I care about him, helps our relationship, as he does for me. We communicate our needs and resentment doesn't build. I'm just saying that it works for us.
Warmly,
Judy
Expectations are communicated in terms of I statements. No, there are no emotional consequences that are "set up" but of course, there are feelings that we feel which could be natural consequences. I feel disappointed when the people I live with don't care about my feelings and needs as they would feel if I did the same. In being married 20 years, I find that giving 150% in doing things I may not want to for my spouse, but do, because I care about him, helps our relationship, as he does for me. We communicate our needs and resentment doesn't build. I'm just saying that it works for us.
Warmly,
Judy
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
"...., there are no emotional consequences that are "set up" but of course, there are feelings that we feel which could be natural consequences. I feel disappointed when the people I live with don't care about my feelings and needs as they would feel if I did the same. In being married 20 years..."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What if your husband expected you do something that you did not want to do cause you had more important things to. He then is really disappointed in you.
How would that feel?
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What if your husband expected you do something that you did not want to do cause you had more important things to. He then is really disappointed in you.
How would that feel?
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
I love my husband. I love my children. Our relationships however aren't the
same. My husband and I entered into a relationship with full consent. We are
both reasonable capable adults with many years of experience between us.
My children are guests that I invited first into my womb and then into my
home, thus making it OUR home. It becoming OUR home didn't also make it
their responsibility. They are still guests, not house mates.
"I feel disappointed when the people I live with don't care about my
feelings and needs as they would feel if I did the same."
I find this really isn't a helpful perspective to have with children. I
think it is really unfair and not age appropriate to equate
cleaning/cleanliness with respect. My children do not always clean up after
themselves. And sometimes *I* feel like they don't love/appreciate/respect
me because of their neglecting something that is important to me. That
doesn't make it truth. My kids love me. They love me when thy leave
their towels on the floor. The still respect me even when they leave the
doors open. They still appreciate the cleaning that I GIFT them even when
they leave their toys/books/etc all over the common area. Their actions, or
rather inactions, don't reflect their feelings, only their lack of
experience or consideration (not towards me but towards cleanliness).
"I find that giving 150% in doing things I may not want to for my spouse,
but do, because I care about him, helps our relationship, as he does for
me. "
You are making a choice to do those things, to give those gifts. I feel like
if I am doing something I otherwise wouldn't do or don't care to do, once I
make a conscious effort to chose to do it, it is NO longer something that I
don't want to do. I have switched my perspective to serving myself to
serving (gifting) another person. I do that because I love my husband and
children. I don't do it because I expect anything back from them.
same. My husband and I entered into a relationship with full consent. We are
both reasonable capable adults with many years of experience between us.
My children are guests that I invited first into my womb and then into my
home, thus making it OUR home. It becoming OUR home didn't also make it
their responsibility. They are still guests, not house mates.
"I feel disappointed when the people I live with don't care about my
feelings and needs as they would feel if I did the same."
I find this really isn't a helpful perspective to have with children. I
think it is really unfair and not age appropriate to equate
cleaning/cleanliness with respect. My children do not always clean up after
themselves. And sometimes *I* feel like they don't love/appreciate/respect
me because of their neglecting something that is important to me. That
doesn't make it truth. My kids love me. They love me when thy leave
their towels on the floor. The still respect me even when they leave the
doors open. They still appreciate the cleaning that I GIFT them even when
they leave their toys/books/etc all over the common area. Their actions, or
rather inactions, don't reflect their feelings, only their lack of
experience or consideration (not towards me but towards cleanliness).
"I find that giving 150% in doing things I may not want to for my spouse,
but do, because I care about him, helps our relationship, as he does for
me. "
You are making a choice to do those things, to give those gifts. I feel like
if I am doing something I otherwise wouldn't do or don't care to do, once I
make a conscious effort to chose to do it, it is NO longer something that I
don't want to do. I have switched my perspective to serving myself to
serving (gifting) another person. I do that because I love my husband and
children. I don't do it because I expect anything back from them.
On Fri, Dec 18, 2009 at 4:16 PM, Professional Parenting <jarnall@...>wrote:
>
>
> Hi Sylvia:
> Expectations are communicated in terms of I statements. No, there are no
> emotional consequences that are "set up" but of course, there are feelings
> that we feel which could be natural consequences. I feel disappointed when
> the people I live with don't care about my feelings and needs as they would
> feel if I did the same. In being married 20 years, I find that giving 150%
> in doing things I may not want to for my spouse, but do, because I care
> about him, helps our relationship, as he does for me. We communicate our
> needs and resentment doesn't build. I'm just saying that it works for us.
> Warmly,
> Judy
>
>
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]