Unsupportive mom - sorry, long post
mnbyelich
Hi everyone, I'm having some issues with my mom regarding the decision to unschool my children and would love to hear some input/feedback from others. My dh and I are both on the same page when it comes to our decision to RU our kids. My mom, on the other hand, is pretty defensive about this, particularly when it comes to our allowing our children to make choices about what foods they want to eat and when they want to eat it. I'm trying to make this as succinct as possible so I hope to get it all across to you.
My mom has always been controlling about food, especially "healthy" foods. I, too, was very controlling with my kids about eating only "healthy" food. Lifting this restriction on my kids has taken my dh and I some time to overcome but I'd say that we feel really confident in our decision to allow our kids to make their own food choices. Growing up, I had body image issues, struggled constantly that I was fat (at 100 lbs!) and generally hated myself b/c of my body. Obviously, I don't want this for my kids.
So, my kids stay overnight at my mom's once in a while when my dh and I (rarely) go away. My kids have never really seemed to have an issue with it but this last time, my son was crying and telling me things about how my mom "makes" him eat healthy before he has something "not healthy", she makes him take a taste of what she is making and if he doesn't like it/doesn't try it she makes him feel guilty as she always says "you don't know what you are missing!". He told me it is really hard for him with these issues because he understands and takes as his right to make his own decisions about his food choices. Before we went over, I asked him would it make him feel better if I talked to her that night before I left and asked her
to not to focus on his eating. He felt fine with this so we went...although, admittedly, he really still didn't want to go and I was feeling really badly :( It doesn't fit with the unschooling life!
I began talking to my mom basically telling her that I understand it is hard for her to understand our choices regarding food (she is not interested in reading/learning about our choice to unschool) but we really feel strongly about allowing our kids to make their own food choices and she pretty much cut me off and said that "i am very concerned about their health now and in the future and I feel when they are in my house I can make them eat healthier." I let her know (again) that we provide "healthy" food choices daily but she was too defensive to talk so I just shut it down. Boy was I stewing! My dh and I decided to take our kids with us that night, and not stay at my moms...not a direct result but a huge impetus because of this issue.
I know one of her concerns is that my ds has gained obvious weight since we've lifted the restrictions but what she doesn't see is that overall he is balancing out his eating after enjoying freedom from *my* earlier restrictions on his eating (not at her house b/c of her restrictions). He has had growth spurts (with weight gain prior to the spurts, and he may just be naturally a little larger than she would prefer). She has made references to him that if he eats to much sweets he will get chubby and sick later in life. My dd walks around the house asking me if she is eating healthy foods...although it hasn't stopped her from enjoying her foods :)
Throughout all this, my son has been very vocal with me letting me know what she says, how it makes him feel and that he knows that he is the one who is supposed to make those choices for himself. I am glad that he can speak to me about it but it still concerns me that she continues to undermine our choices (from her choice not to learn more about it). Overall, she is a loving gmother and my kids have had a very close relationship with her, but as my kids (and the family) develop more of a solid unschooled lifestyle, the conflicts are becoming obvious and distressing to the relationship with her.
My husband and I have discussed this and we have decided (obviously) not to have our kids stay over until they ask to stay...and want to stay.
I'd love to hear any suggestions, comments, thoughts.
Thanks! Natalie
My mom has always been controlling about food, especially "healthy" foods. I, too, was very controlling with my kids about eating only "healthy" food. Lifting this restriction on my kids has taken my dh and I some time to overcome but I'd say that we feel really confident in our decision to allow our kids to make their own food choices. Growing up, I had body image issues, struggled constantly that I was fat (at 100 lbs!) and generally hated myself b/c of my body. Obviously, I don't want this for my kids.
So, my kids stay overnight at my mom's once in a while when my dh and I (rarely) go away. My kids have never really seemed to have an issue with it but this last time, my son was crying and telling me things about how my mom "makes" him eat healthy before he has something "not healthy", she makes him take a taste of what she is making and if he doesn't like it/doesn't try it she makes him feel guilty as she always says "you don't know what you are missing!". He told me it is really hard for him with these issues because he understands and takes as his right to make his own decisions about his food choices. Before we went over, I asked him would it make him feel better if I talked to her that night before I left and asked her
to not to focus on his eating. He felt fine with this so we went...although, admittedly, he really still didn't want to go and I was feeling really badly :( It doesn't fit with the unschooling life!
I began talking to my mom basically telling her that I understand it is hard for her to understand our choices regarding food (she is not interested in reading/learning about our choice to unschool) but we really feel strongly about allowing our kids to make their own food choices and she pretty much cut me off and said that "i am very concerned about their health now and in the future and I feel when they are in my house I can make them eat healthier." I let her know (again) that we provide "healthy" food choices daily but she was too defensive to talk so I just shut it down. Boy was I stewing! My dh and I decided to take our kids with us that night, and not stay at my moms...not a direct result but a huge impetus because of this issue.
I know one of her concerns is that my ds has gained obvious weight since we've lifted the restrictions but what she doesn't see is that overall he is balancing out his eating after enjoying freedom from *my* earlier restrictions on his eating (not at her house b/c of her restrictions). He has had growth spurts (with weight gain prior to the spurts, and he may just be naturally a little larger than she would prefer). She has made references to him that if he eats to much sweets he will get chubby and sick later in life. My dd walks around the house asking me if she is eating healthy foods...although it hasn't stopped her from enjoying her foods :)
Throughout all this, my son has been very vocal with me letting me know what she says, how it makes him feel and that he knows that he is the one who is supposed to make those choices for himself. I am glad that he can speak to me about it but it still concerns me that she continues to undermine our choices (from her choice not to learn more about it). Overall, she is a loving gmother and my kids have had a very close relationship with her, but as my kids (and the family) develop more of a solid unschooled lifestyle, the conflicts are becoming obvious and distressing to the relationship with her.
My husband and I have discussed this and we have decided (obviously) not to have our kids stay over until they ask to stay...and want to stay.
I'd love to hear any suggestions, comments, thoughts.
Thanks! Natalie
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "mnbyelich" <nbyelich@...> wrote:
I think its a good decision, they shouldn't be made to stay somewhere they will have to follow rules they can't agree with. At some point they may be able to choose to humor her in her own home - plenty of people do things like that with friends and relatives, but it would be better if it were something they could choose to do.
We don't stay at my dad's & stepmom's house because of the food restrictions there, and I wouldn't ask my kids to stay there without me. We've created opportunities to meet elsewhere, neutral territory as it were. Last time we were at a restaurant "Grandma" made some comments about having a "two bite rule" in her house, but didn't try to impose that on Morgan.
Morgan does this too, sometimes, even though she's never been pressured on the subject. She's curious about what makes some things healthier than others - its a complex concept!
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>> My husband and I have discussed this and we have decided (obviously) not to have our kids stay over until they ask to stay...and want to stay.************************
I think its a good decision, they shouldn't be made to stay somewhere they will have to follow rules they can't agree with. At some point they may be able to choose to humor her in her own home - plenty of people do things like that with friends and relatives, but it would be better if it were something they could choose to do.
We don't stay at my dad's & stepmom's house because of the food restrictions there, and I wouldn't ask my kids to stay there without me. We've created opportunities to meet elsewhere, neutral territory as it were. Last time we were at a restaurant "Grandma" made some comments about having a "two bite rule" in her house, but didn't try to impose that on Morgan.
>> My dd walks around the house asking me if she is eating healthy foods...although it hasn't stopped her from enjoying her foods :)*******************
Morgan does this too, sometimes, even though she's never been pressured on the subject. She's curious about what makes some things healthier than others - its a complex concept!
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
[email protected]
Sounds like the answer to me.
Gramma can visit at your house until she learns to behave herself.
Nance
Gramma can visit at your house until she learns to behave herself.
Nance
> --- In [email protected], "mnbyelich" <nbyelich@> wrote:
> >> My husband and I have discussed this and we have decided (obviously) not to have our kids stay over until they ask to stay...and want to stay.
> ************************
Krisula Moyer
Perhaps your mom would respond better to an assignment of the "spoiling grandparent" role. She seems to be taking on the role of correcting your parenting choices while she has them. You might point out that if she continues being the strict one the kids may spend less and less time with her and will take her advice less as they get older.
You could point out that the time they have with her is naturally limited (to visits) and that she should feel free to "spoil" them. I would, under the circumstances stop talking with her about your unschooling since she refuses to educate herself about it. Let her know that you are happy to let the kids be spoiled by Grandma when they are with her and that you are glad they have someone in their life who loves and cares for them when you are away. Try not to make it about her supporting your choices. Instead, let it be about her preserving her sphere of influence with them by winning them over. You know you don't have her support, That's annoying but its OK. Lots of people unschool without the direct support of the grandparents. Focus on helping her find ways to connect positively with the kids.
I also agree that you shouldn't have them stay overnight without you until they genuinely want to again. She may have already undermined her role in their lives in a very serious way since they don't want to stay overnight there anymore.
If she can't keep herself from being destructive about food issues, you may want to structure the time you all spend together around other things, outings for example, where the meals and snacks are provided by you so she doesn't feel "responsible" for their eating.
We have had this issue at my house as well. It worked out fine in the end but I really had to facilitate for a while when they were younger and I stopped leaving them alone until the issue resolved (it took a couple of years). After a while my parents came around and they really appreciate how their Grandkids still want to be with them now at 16, 14, and 9.
Krisula Moyer
The Seer, the novel
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You could point out that the time they have with her is naturally limited (to visits) and that she should feel free to "spoil" them. I would, under the circumstances stop talking with her about your unschooling since she refuses to educate herself about it. Let her know that you are happy to let the kids be spoiled by Grandma when they are with her and that you are glad they have someone in their life who loves and cares for them when you are away. Try not to make it about her supporting your choices. Instead, let it be about her preserving her sphere of influence with them by winning them over. You know you don't have her support, That's annoying but its OK. Lots of people unschool without the direct support of the grandparents. Focus on helping her find ways to connect positively with the kids.
I also agree that you shouldn't have them stay overnight without you until they genuinely want to again. She may have already undermined her role in their lives in a very serious way since they don't want to stay overnight there anymore.
If she can't keep herself from being destructive about food issues, you may want to structure the time you all spend together around other things, outings for example, where the meals and snacks are provided by you so she doesn't feel "responsible" for their eating.
We have had this issue at my house as well. It worked out fine in the end but I really had to facilitate for a while when they were younger and I stopped leaving them alone until the issue resolved (it took a couple of years). After a while my parents came around and they really appreciate how their Grandkids still want to be with them now at 16, 14, and 9.
Krisula Moyer
The Seer, the novel
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]