Heather

I was off and on a part of this group last year, but life got in the way and, although I still read, I haven't posted in a while.

I need some real, serious help with parenting in a child-directed way. I have ben working very hard at being child-focused and embracing my children's needs. Although hard at times with 5 kids in a household, I am working on MY attitude and joyfulness.

My problem is that my husband and I are conflicting very regularly. His parents were very strict, parent-focused, and did not in any way, shape, or form, encourage noise or children making their own decisions. Very fundamentalists in their religion and very much into the "children are seen but not heard". Although my dh is not that radical, his background shows up when he is around the house (which is a lot) and it cramps or style of enjoying each other.

I am at a loss of what to do. We talk a lot about it and he wants to be different in theory, but when it comes to practicing it, he is not very successful. Just now he told the kids to take their toys elsewhere because he had to study (not for work, for pleasure) and I suggested he move locations and he said he was there first. Yes, he is quite selfish and he will admit that, but doesn't do much to change it. He thinks yelling is an appropriate form of parenting and tells me I should "make" my kids listen to me.

I am probably pretty resentful because I don't like the way his parents grandparent the children when they are around (luckily not often), so I think about that when he starts acting this way.

Any suggestions? Just for the record, we have four children 8 and under and a foreign exchange student (16) living with us for the year.

Thanks,
Heather

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "Heather" <hmschleidt@...> wrote:
>> I need some real, serious help with parenting in a child-directed way. I have ben working very hard at being child-focused and embracing my children's needs. Although hard at times with 5 kids in a household, I am working on MY attitude and joyfulness.
**********************

How much of that are you extending to your dh? Often its possible, even if a partner is on board with unschooling in theory, for it to be difficult to put it in to practice because he's not "receiving" any of the benefits of unschooling itself. Are you as kind to your dh as you are to your kids? Do you give him the same benefit of assuming he's doing his best that you'd offer your children? Are you looking for any unmet needs of his that you can address? All thoses things are just as important for adults as they are for children.

You can't change him or fix his past, but what you Can do is set him up to succeed as a parent as much as possible.

>>Just now he told the kids to take their toys elsewhere because he had to study (not for work, for pleasure) and I suggested he move locations and he said he was there first. Yes, he is quite selfish
*********************

Okay, here's an example - would you call one of your kids selfish? Or would you look for why that child is acting in a selfish manner? Look for reasons your dh might be feeling a need to defend his space. Does he feel like its a case of you and the kids on one side and him on the other? You can start to break that down, if so, by letting him know how much he's loved and valued.

Also consider How you suggested that he move - do you often tell him what he's doing wrong as a parent? Make suggestions about how he can change but not anyone else? It can help to step back a little. Even when parents are 100% on the same page where parenting is concerned they will parent differently - because they are different people. So expect that he will parent differently than you. You can offer him stories of you're own journey, but be sure to offer stories of your less than successful time, too, so he can see you're humanness, and start to feel like all of you are on the same "side" as it were.

>>Yes, he is quite selfish and he will admit that, but doesn't do much to change it.
**********************

I'd be willing to bet he's been "labled" selfish at some point in his life and/or has adopted the lable in self defense. School and harsh parenting will do that to people. He won't change it unless he has a Reason to change. Telling him he's selfish isn't a reason, its like telling someone he's LD. It becomes a reason to not grow any more, to resist growth. If you want him to have a reason to change, be more giving. Find solutions that let him feel that his needs can be the most important sometimes.

> I am probably pretty resentful because I don't like the way his parents grandparent the children when they are around (luckily not often), so I think about that when he starts acting this way.
************************

Putting your baggage about his parents on your dh's shoulders is harsh. In a way, you're pushing him to become More like them in the process. That's the Last thing you want, I'm sure! Be more gentle with him. Look at him and see the little boy who got yelled at until he was big enough to yell back. See the little boy who never got to be selfish, never got to have his needs be more important. Respond to that little boy. Unschool him. He has a Lot of deschooling to do, so be gentle. Be forgiving and understanding while also standing up for your needs and your kids' needs.

---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)

Heather

Wow Meredith,

That is truly the most accurate and best post I think I have ever read. Thank you. Now that you have explained all this in that way I can really, really see what you mean. After reading this I apologized to my dh about how it has actually been me, quite often, that is selfish because I don't ask him what his needs are and just place demands on him about mine. I'm going to work really hard on this!

Heather


--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <meredith@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], "Heather" <hmschleidt@> wrote:
> >> I need some real, serious help with parenting in a child-directed way. I have ben working very hard at being child-focused and embracing my children's needs. Although hard at times with 5 kids in a household, I am working on MY attitude and joyfulness.
> **********************
>
> How much of that are you extending to your dh? Often its possible, even if a partner is on board with unschooling in theory, for it to be difficult to put it in to practice because he's not "receiving" any of the benefits of unschooling itself. Are you as kind to your dh as you are to your kids? Do you give him the same benefit of assuming he's doing his best that you'd offer your children? Are you looking for any unmet needs of his that you can address? All thoses things are just as important for adults as they are for children.
>
> You can't change him or fix his past, but what you Can do is set him up to succeed as a parent as much as possible.
>
> >>Just now he told the kids to take their toys elsewhere because he had to study (not for work, for pleasure) and I suggested he move locations and he said he was there first. Yes, he is quite selfish
> *********************
>
> Okay, here's an example - would you call one of your kids selfish? Or would you look for why that child is acting in a selfish manner? Look for reasons your dh might be feeling a need to defend his space. Does he feel like its a case of you and the kids on one side and him on the other? You can start to break that down, if so, by letting him know how much he's loved and valued.
>
> Also consider How you suggested that he move - do you often tell him what he's doing wrong as a parent? Make suggestions about how he can change but not anyone else? It can help to step back a little. Even when parents are 100% on the same page where parenting is concerned they will parent differently - because they are different people. So expect that he will parent differently than you. You can offer him stories of you're own journey, but be sure to offer stories of your less than successful time, too, so he can see you're humanness, and start to feel like all of you are on the same "side" as it were.
>
> >>Yes, he is quite selfish and he will admit that, but doesn't do much to change it.
> **********************
>
> I'd be willing to bet he's been "labled" selfish at some point in his life and/or has adopted the lable in self defense. School and harsh parenting will do that to people. He won't change it unless he has a Reason to change. Telling him he's selfish isn't a reason, its like telling someone he's LD. It becomes a reason to not grow any more, to resist growth. If you want him to have a reason to change, be more giving. Find solutions that let him feel that his needs can be the most important sometimes.
>
> > I am probably pretty resentful because I don't like the way his parents grandparent the children when they are around (luckily not often), so I think about that when he starts acting this way.
> ************************
>
> Putting your baggage about his parents on your dh's shoulders is harsh. In a way, you're pushing him to become More like them in the process. That's the Last thing you want, I'm sure! Be more gentle with him. Look at him and see the little boy who got yelled at until he was big enough to yell back. See the little boy who never got to be selfish, never got to have his needs be more important. Respond to that little boy. Unschool him. He has a Lot of deschooling to do, so be gentle. Be forgiving and understanding while also standing up for your needs and your kids' needs.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>

Ulrike Haupt

Dear Meredith

You expressed what I wanted to say and could not put into so many words.
Beautiful. Our spouses who grew up in harsh school and parental environments
need deschooling, too. AND we need to be gentle with ourselves, too in this
continuous process of honoring our parental choices and actions.

Blissings
Ulrike