amandabpearl

We try to live an RU lifestyle, but I'm really at a loss as to how to deal with my 3 year old right now. We've just had a new baby (2 weeks ago) and she's been great with him, but really sensitive and whiny in general. She does not want to do activities one-on-one with either my husband or myself, and seems to really need to spend time as a family unit. She's also happy to spend one-on-one time with my mother, and has happily spent the night there 2 times as well (she usually spends one night a week with her grandparents).
I know part of her behavior is just adjusting to probably the biggest event of her life to date, but she's also demanding to nurse what feels like all of the time...definitely more than the new baby. Before he was born she nursed 0-3 times a day....which was fine. Now she wants to nurse what feels like constantly....maybe 8-10 times a day, for 20-30 minutes at a stretch. I tried to say yes each time she asked, and let her know that she could nurse, just for a short time...so she asked about every 5-15 minutes!
When I do tell her that she needs to wait until I "finish burping the baby" until "the TV show is over" or some other time frame that is tangible to her there is a total melt down. I'm becoming resentful towards her, which definitely is not helping things... I know this is a phase for her, but I need to figure out a coping strategy for myself for the next couple of weeks, or figure out a way to limit the nursing to a level that works for both of us. Any suggestions are really appreciated!

Joyce Fetteroll

On Nov 3, 2009, at 4:33 PM, amandabpearl wrote:

> Now she wants to nurse what feels like constantly....maybe 8-10
> times a day, for 20-30 minutes at a stretch. I tried to say yes
> each time she asked, and let her know that she could nurse, just
> for a short time...so she asked about every 5-15 minutes!

I'd say the two are connected.

If you were feeling off balance and wanted a snuggle with your
husband and he said "Yes, you can have a quick kiss," each time you
asked, would you feel like your needs were met? Wouldn't you need to
ask for a lot of those quick kisses to get anywhere near the
equivalent of what you needed?

So it's not that she needs as much as she's taking, it's that she
feels like there's a limited quantity and she needs to grab as much
as she can when she can.

If she feels there's an abundance, that there's way more than she
needs, she won't need nearly as much.

> When I do tell her that she needs to wait until I "finish burping
> the baby" until "the TV show is over" or some other time frame that
> is tangible to her there is a total melt down.
>

Which says to her that *everything* is more important than she is.
She's always coming in second to whatever you're doing.

Others may have practical ideas, but this is how the world is looking
to her right now. Her behavior is perfectly understandable from her
point of view. Unfortunately you can't make her see the world
differently. To communicate with her you need to begin in her world
and meet her needs, not the needs that are convenient for you to meet.

Joyce







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

>>> We try to live an RU lifestyle, but I'm really at a loss as to how to
deal with my 3 year old right now. We've just had a new baby (2 weeks ago)
and she's been great with him, but really sensitive and whiny in general.
She does not want to do activities one-on-one with either my husband or
myself, and seems to really need to spend time as a family unit. She's also
happy to spend one-on-one time with my mother, and has happily spent the
night there 2 times as well (she usually spends one night a week with her
grandparents). <<<<

Two weeks is not much time to adjust. She has been the only kid around for
the past 3 years. When my second daughter was born, we would do a lot of
family cuddling. I would camp out in the bedroom and lay down and nurse the
baby. My oldest would want to nurse all the time but it seemed like the more
I snuggled with her and played games with her while holding the baby, the
better she was. Depending on the disposition of your daughter, you might try
to get your mom to help out some more so you can focus on the baby. The
other thing to try would be to eliminate the grandma visits. I have 4
children. With one of my daughters, extra grandma time was the perfect cure.
For my other daughter, extra grandma time aggravated the situation because
she felt like we didn't want her. So, it can go either way depending on the
personality of your daughter.


>>>> I know part of her behavior is just adjusting to probably the biggest
event of her life to date, but she's also demanding to nurse what feels like
all of the time...definitely more than the new baby. Before he was born she
nursed 0-3 times a day....which was fine. Now she wants to nurse what feels
like constantly....maybe 8-10 times a day, for 20-30 minutes at a stretch. I
tried to say yes each time she asked, and let her know that she could nurse,
just for a short time...so she asked about every 5-15 minutes!
When I do tell her that she needs to wait until I "finish burping the baby"
until "the TV show is over" or some other time frame that is tangible to her
there is a total melt down. <<<<

Have you tried to nurse both of them at the same time? With my oldest two, I
would nurse them at the same time. My oldest was 3 so I would let her attach
and lay across my lap. Then I would lay the baby kind of on top of her legs
and let her attach. It worked best in my recliner where I could recline a
little and have them overlap some. That worked great because my oldest would
hold the baby's hand while they nursed together. When my oldest no longer
saw herself in competition with the baby, it made things a lot easier and
she was a lot less demanding.

Having said that, some kids are not happy to nurse at the same time. Right
now, I have a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old. That has been very
challenging because my 2.5 year old wants to nurse more than the baby and
wants more of my attention than anyone else and she will get mad if any of
her sisters try to get my attention. She doesn't even want to share me with
her big sisters. I cannot nurse the two of them together because my 2.5 year
old is too wiggly and will kick or pinch the little one. I have to nurse
them separately because it is too painful to nurse them at the same time.

>>>>I'm becoming resentful towards her, which definitely is not helping
things... I know this is a phase for her, but I need to figure out a coping
strategy for myself for the next couple of weeks, or figure out a way to
limit the nursing to a level that works for both of us. Any suggestions are
really appreciated! <<<<

Try to give your older one as much attention as you can. When I can no
longer tolerate my 2.5 year old nursing, I will ask her to stop but I will
tell her she can hold it or use it as a pillow. I cuddle her really close
and try to give her that one on one nuzzling without the nursing element.
Another suggestion is to set up an area where you can relax and tend to the
baby while still playing with your older daughter. I had an area set up in
my bedroom and an area set up in the living room. I had all of the baby
stuff I needed plus toys and movies that I could put on and watch with the
older ones.

Another thing to do to help cut down on the nursing is to give your daughter
attention without her asking. If she is walking around or doing something
while the baby is settled, go scoop her up and shower her with affection.
Try to fill her up with attention before she resorts to nursing. She needs
that closeness. She needs to feel like the baby is not shoving her out.

Something else to consider is giving your 3 yearl old jobs to do. With my
oldest, we built her up by telling her that she could help us and would be
our helpers. She is the kind of kid that likes to be a part of things and
loved to get stuff for me and the baby. She would help give the baby baths
and change her diaper. I set things up so that she could even help me and
get me bottles of water or other small things. With my other daughter, that
didn't work at all because she had a completely different personality.

My second daughter just needed a lot of extra snuggling when the baby was
born. If I was laying down with the baby, she was right there next to me.

I usually try to figure out whether she is doing it because she is hungry or
if she is doing it to reconnect with me. Make sure that she has lots of
snacks that are readily available. I have noticed that sometimes my daughter
will ask to nurse rather than tell me she is hungry.

It is really hard to give concrete advice because it really depends on the
personality of your oldest. The main thing to do is to not push her aside
and make her feel like she has been replaced by the baby. I suspect the
nursing will decrease once she feels her needs are being met. Whenever I
find myself resenting my 2.5 year old, I try to think about how she is
feeling. Also, I have had my husband or my mom take her out so that I can
recharge and be able to better meet her needs. Having a daddy daughter date
(or a grandma date) works wonders with the older kids and it gives me time
to recharge.

Connie






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Amanda Mayan

Thanks for the ideas. Joyce.thanks for reminding me how things may seem to
her.

Also, I'll be working on the ideas for tandem-ing, snuggling, ect.she came
home yesterday afternoon after 24 hours with grandma, and Maya, dad, and I
were all interacting much better.I was able to be much more present and
available for her, and grandma had definitely "filled her cup" before she
came back to us.

I love this list! Most off-list said "she's too old to nurse anyway", rather
than come up with constructive ideas!



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sharon

My son was born when my dtr was 3. We had a home birth and I stayed in bed for the whole first week just nursing, cuddling, listening to music, videotaping, and reading stories as a family. My 3 y/o virtually stopped eating solid foods and nursed most of that week along side her baby brother. She may have nursed even more than him and I was so surprised that she actually gained weight. I enjoyed that time with the two of them. I saw it as a special way for them to bond. As they got older they would hold hands while they nursed, look in each others eyes, and giggle. My friends called me a breastfeeding goddess. I too found it most comfortable to be in a recliner chair which we moved into the bedroom.
Is there some message you are giving yourself, or your dtr, that she shouldn't be acting this way? When I get into the "shouldn'ts" I create stress for myself by resisting what is.
My dtr also enjoyed helping me out with the baby. She helped to put the socks on and she loved having little tasks like getting diapers and things for the baby. The three of us would also take baths together.
Is there a way you could include her in helping with the baby? Include her in burping the baby. Show her how to do it. Maybe say, "I have to burp the baby. Do you want to help me?" and "It's time to change the baby's diaper. Would you like to bring me a diaper for the baby?" "Would you like to read stories with me to the baby?"
Best wishes,
Sharon

--- In [email protected], "amandabpearl" <amanda@...> wrote:
>
> We try to live an RU lifestyle, but I'm really at a loss as to how to deal with my 3 year old right now. We've just had a new baby (2 weeks ago) and she's been great with him, but really sensitive and whiny in general. She does not want to do activities one-on-one with either my husband or myself, and seems to really need to spend time as a family unit. She's also happy to spend one-on-one time with my mother, and has happily spent the night there 2 times as well (she usually spends one night a week with her grandparents).
> I know part of her behavior is just adjusting to probably the biggest event of her life to date, but she's also demanding to nurse what feels like all of the time...definitely more than the new baby. Before he was born she nursed 0-3 times a day....which was fine. Now she wants to nurse what feels like constantly....maybe 8-10 times a day, for 20-30 minutes at a stretch. I tried to say yes each time she asked, and let her know that she could nurse, just for a short time...so she asked about every 5-15 minutes!
> When I do tell her that she needs to wait until I "finish burping the baby" until "the TV show is over" or some other time frame that is tangible to her there is a total melt down. I'm becoming resentful towards her, which definitely is not helping things... I know this is a phase for her, but I need to figure out a coping strategy for myself for the next couple of weeks, or figure out a way to limit the nursing to a level that works for both of us. Any suggestions are really appreciated!
>

Krisula Moyer

Trayton and Sydney are 24 months apart. When Syd was born Tray went
back to nursing a lot, just as you describe. I explained that the
baby needed to get the milk first because she wasn't big enough yet to
eat anything else. Usually, I nursed him at the same time as I nursed
her, after she'd had one side, I'd switch her and let him have the
first side while she nursed as long as she liked on the second side.
Sometimes he'd also take a swig of the second side after she was done
there.

When I felt the need to cut his session short, (like if I was tired or
sore) I would tell him "yes, you can have twenty!" That seemed like
a big number to a two year old and we counted to twenty, slowly, while
he nursed. He always let go at that point and never seemed upset by
it. Sometimes if the baby was sleeping I'd offer an extra nursing
just after she fell asleep knowing it would be a while before she was
ready for more. Often we'd all fall asleep together on my bed and I
have such sweet memories of both babies holding hands while they
nursed. It was an exhausting but wonderful time.

Krisula Moyer
The Seer, the novel






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

sharonmbliss

Congratulations on the birth of your second baby, what an exciting time. Tandem nursing is definately a challenge. My children are 20 1/2 months apart and my son totally went off solids for a week or so and then slowly added them back in. Your newborn milk tastes really great and is full of healthy fat so a toddler can live on it. One thing to think of is during pregnancy your milk was likely not too plentiful so it could just be your toddler is excited to have milk back and likely needs reassurance your love is still there for them. My children are 3 1/2 and almost 2 now and they both still nurse quite a bit. There are plenty of times that I get frustrated with this but I just remind myself that this is just a small time in their lives and I want to look back and remember that I did what they needed. Of course, coming up with some coping methods helps because if you are unhappy then it's not working for anyone. I tried many things at different times and just judged to see how my toddler could handle it, I wasn't afraid to change my mind if he really needed to nurse when I asked him to wait. There are times that I will say, yes we can nurse but just for one minute, sometimes he'll ask for 2 or 3 but then he'll be content with a short nursing session. Sometimes when I am really done I'll just start counting down from 10 or from 5 and he'll often release the nipple even before I'm done counting. I tend to nurse him a lot even in public but there are places I am uncomfortable doing it so I try to let him know in advance we won't nurse here and if I can an estimate of time that we will be there. Also he knows I will not nurse them both at the same time in public (I do have my limits). You said your toddler wants to nurse for half hour intervals and that sounds like a lot to handle. I can't remember if my toddler nursed for that long after his sister came along at the beginning or not but I know for quite a while anyway he's content with just a few minutes, even if his sister nurses longer. Perhaps you can try to see what your toddler is really after and see if you can meet that need. She might respond better if she got you all to herself for her nursing session, you could say five minutes or count to twenty or set a timer and just dote on her while she nurses and see if you can fill her cup faster? You said she isn't interested in one-on-one time so I think she might be trying to find her place in the new family and perhaps helping you take care of the baby would help. Playing peek-a-boo, singing to him, babies can sometimes respond so much to an older sister. Also, getting diapers, *holding* the baby, etc. I wish you much success and I hope you really enjoy this time, it is fleeting. How wonderful that you are willing and able to continue to meet their needs.

Sharon Bliss

--- In [email protected], Krisula Moyer <krisula@...> wrote:
>
> Trayton and Sydney are 24 months apart. When Syd was born Tray went
> back to nursing a lot, just as you describe. I explained that the
> baby needed to get the milk first because she wasn't big enough yet to
> eat anything else. Usually, I nursed him at the same time as I nursed
> her, after she'd had one side, I'd switch her and let him have the
> first side while she nursed as long as she liked on the second side.
> Sometimes he'd also take a swig of the second side after she was done
> there.
>
> When I felt the need to cut his session short, (like if I was tired or
> sore) I would tell him "yes, you can have twenty!" That seemed like
> a big number to a two year old and we counted to twenty, slowly, while
> he nursed. He always let go at that point and never seemed upset by
> it. Sometimes if the baby was sleeping I'd offer an extra nursing
> just after she fell asleep knowing it would be a while before she was
> ready for more. Often we'd all fall asleep together on my bed and I
> have such sweet memories of both babies holding hands while they
> nursed. It was an exhausting but wonderful time.
>
> Krisula Moyer
> The Seer, the novel
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

duckgirl01

As I am now tandem nursing for the second time, I am very familiar with feelings of resentment for the older nursling. Feelings of resentment are totally normal and expected among tandem mamas. I'm currently nursing my 4-year old and my 6-month old. And yes, I *still* go through periods of resentment occasionally toward my 4-year old.

One thing that has helped me, when I go through these hard periods, is changing my expectations. Initially, it might seen crazy to expect that an older nursling could go from nursing 3 times per day to 10 times per day. But in reality, it is very normal. The key is remember that it won't be forever. I know - these are hard thoughts to get your mind around. Your mind may be screaming inside that your older nursling shouldn't need to nursing that often! But in reality, she might just need it temporarily. It may help to remind yourself that your 3 year year old is still a baby. She may not look so tiny as your newborn, which is why we have to remind ourselves sometimes how very young 3 years old is. Tandem nursing is a whole different ballgame than singleton nursing. You have to have the expectation, especially during the first month or two, that you will literally be doing *nothing* but nursing, sleeping, eating (yourself), and maybe a shower every few days. If you sort of remind yourself that your important job is nursing almost constantly, it may make things easier to handle.

That is not to say that you can't try setting some limits when you are going absolutely batty. You can try setting some limits and see what happens. On practical matters, you may need to set some limits so that you know your newborn is getting the breast milk he needs. But on the other hand, at only 2 weeks postpartum, setting limits with your 3-year-old may backfire. Sometimes setting limits may make that older nursling, still adjusting to the birth, be even more clingy and whining.

My suggestion is to try to totally let go. You may have to do some serious spiritual/psychological work within yourself to make that happen. Whatever works for you, whether it's mediatation while nursing, some kind of zen-like trance, or just focusing your mind on something else. When I was going through a similar struggle with tandem nursing my oldest and middle child, I met an unschooler who recommended something very helpful: focusing on one of my body parts while nursing. Like your hand or foot or something. You can look at the part and notice all the details - wrinkles, form, shadows, how that part feels, etc. This change is your shift of focus is similar to some kinds of childbirth coping strategies. In fact, if you look up coping strategies in "Birthing From Within", you will find that some of those strategies are excellent for tandem nursing, when you are sitting there being irritated that your older nursing is asking to nurse for the millionth time that day. However you can get through all that nursing with a smile on your face, do it.

If you haven't already read "Adventures in Tandem Nursing", I highly recommend getting it right away. Reading through it again has always helped me a lot when we are going through struggles. This is a blog that I wrote about tandem nursing that may also help a little: http://www.tinygrass.com/2009/04/tandem-nursing-how-to-do-it-without-driving-yourself-and-your-nurslings-crazy/

Trish



--- In [email protected], "amandabpearl" <amanda@...> wrote:
>
> We try to live an RU lifestyle, but I'm really at a loss as to how to deal with my 3 year old right now. We've just had a new baby (2 weeks ago) and she's been great with him, but really sensitive and whiny in general. She does not want to do activities one-on-one with either my husband or myself, and seems to really need to spend time as a family unit. She's also happy to spend one-on-one time with my mother, and has happily spent the night there 2 times as well (she usually spends one night a week with her grandparents).
> I know part of her behavior is just adjusting to probably the biggest event of her life to date, but she's also demanding to nurse what feels like all of the time...definitely more than the new baby. Before he was born she nursed 0-3 times a day....which was fine. Now she wants to nurse what feels like constantly....maybe 8-10 times a day, for 20-30 minutes at a stretch. I tried to say yes each time she asked, and let her know that she could nurse, just for a short time...so she asked about every 5-15 minutes!
> When I do tell her that she needs to wait until I "finish burping the baby" until "the TV show is over" or some other time frame that is tangible to her there is a total melt down. I'm becoming resentful towards her, which definitely is not helping things... I know this is a phase for her, but I need to figure out a coping strategy for myself for the next couple of weeks, or figure out a way to limit the nursing to a level that works for both of us. Any suggestions are really appreciated!
>

AllisonR

****Her behavior is perfectly understandable from her
point of view. Unfortunately you can't make her see the world
differently. To communicate with her you need to begin in her world
and meet her needs, not the needs that are convenient for you to meet.***

I read this and I wonder what to make of the fact that it can be so personally painful and costly to "meet the needs that are not convenient." I know this is a message I heard loud and clear from my parents and do not want to send it on to my children...but I feel so resentful at their needs at times and feel a lot of anger and frustration at "the impositions."

There are many days when I can get out of that old mindset and live in the moment with them (not hear the tapes of my parents)...

but it seems that my 'default' setting for personal boundaries and limits not in line with mindfully parenting four small children.

What to do with all the "junk" I am trying to get rid of (my defualt setting I heard from my parents all the time)? The frustration, anger and resentment I sometimes feel at having to put their needs first. For example, I personally need a lot of down time, but my daughter seems to need personal reassurance and connectedness ALL THE TIME. and there are 4 of them... someone always needs something. What do I do if I just can't give them what they need...if it feels as if it is just not in me?

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "AllisonR" <earlyhiker@...> wrote:
>> There are many days when I can get out of that old mindset and live in the moment with them (not hear the tapes of my parents)...
>
> but it seems that my 'default' setting for personal boundaries and limits not in line with mindfully parenting four small children.
**************

Some of this is pure practice. It takes time and repetition to change years and years of habits. Its part of your own "deschooling" process. Ultimately, deschooling isn't just getting school out of your head, but all the messages and habits that get in the way of having a better relationship with your kids. Some aspects of "deschooling" can go on for years, depending on your past.

The goal isn't to get perfect, its to have a Better relationship with your kids and your self than otherwise. No one is perfect, no matter how long she's been unschooling. Its all a process. You can see that you need to make some changes - that's Fantastic! That's success, right there! Many many many parents never ever get that far, they just go on parenting on their "default" setting. Knowing you don't want to do that, and actively looking to change? That's a miracle. Congratulations.

So now you work on it. You don't have to change everything all at once - in fact, its not helpful to try to change everything all at once. Its overwhelming to you and the rest of your family. But you can change the Next thing that comes up, the next interaction. You can stop (even mid-yell), take a deep breath (even if you "should" have done it five minutes sooner), and find one more option, choose to go in a different direction. It doesn't have to be the best possible direction. At first, you may find you can't come up with very many ideas and options in the moment. That's something else that takes practice.

>>For example, I personally need a lot of down time, but my daughter seems to need personal reassurance and connectedness ALL THE TIME. and there are 4 of them... someone always needs something. What do I do if I just can't give them what they need...if it feels as if it is just not in me?
********************

Something that helped me when both my kids were little was to remind myself to Savor the moment, not just endure it. It was something I could do right away, a mental shift that helped me change my whole perspective. I'd stop and savor my kids, and their childhood.

I also found it helpful to let go of the expectation that I would get "chunks" of time to myself. That way, when I had eight seconds of solitude, I could take a deep breath and savor those eight seconds. If I got ten - bonus!

---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

I read this and I wonder what to make of the fact that it can be so personally painful and costly to "meet the needs that are not convenient." I know this is a message I heard loud and clear from my parents and do not want to send it on to my children...but I feel so resentful at their needs at times and feel a lot of anger and frustration at "the impositions. " 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Change your perspective.
Need help?
Here:

If your child is gone tomorrow, wouldn't you do anything for having to meet those needs if only one more time?
Meet your children's needs with joy and love  because there are no garantees in life.
Maybe Diana Jenner will chime in about the loss of her beautiful daughter Hanna.

 
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/

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Jenna Robertson

The book "Mother Nature" helped us a lot.  It looks at how moms get depleted and practical ways to stay undepleted or reverse the condition.  It also talks about healing painful feelings relating to parenting.  It's not a book I hear mentioned often, but it's a wonderful resource.  The related website has a lot of information.  Click on the "Practical Help" tab center top of the page to be taken to past columns and articles.
 
http://www.nurturemom.com
 
:)
Jenna


 
 
 
"If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children, I would ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life."
               - Rachel Carson

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Joyce Fetteroll

On Nov 6, 2009, at 2:10 PM, AllisonR wrote:

> There are many days when I can get out of that old mindset and live
> in the moment with them (not hear the tapes of my parents)...
> but it seems that my 'default' setting for personal boundaries and
> limits not in line with mindfully parenting four small children.

It takes awareness. First is recognizing the problem, but then is
awareness throughout the day. When you first notice a build up, stop
and take a couple of slow, deep breaths. Oxygen helps. Keep some high
protein snacks handy for yourself.

Put signs up around the house to remind you to be in the moment.
(Collect bits of wisdom from here. There are lots of quotes at Sandra
Dodd's site.)

It takes time.

It takes practice to shed old habits.

Try beginning here:

http://sandradodd.com/being/

Click on the links. It helps to immerse yourself in a new way of
thinking.

> The frustration, anger and resentment I sometimes feel at having to
> put their needs first.
>

Taking on a new mindset takes time and effort. There isn't one thing
that will fix it but little baby steps, each a little better than
before will help.

It might help to make it a habit to spontaneously hug them several
times a day. Feel their joy at your presence (though time it right so
you aren't interrupting something!) Fill them up before they're
pulling on you. Quite often "I need this," really means "My cup is
empty and I need you to show me you love me."

Bring them treats before they ask. Spontaneously do nice things for
them.

It might help to picture how helpless they are. Imagine *yourself*
being in a world where everyone is against your independence. The
world is designed so you can't meet your own needs so if you want a
cookie and there aren't any in the house, you can't just go to the
store and get one or make some. You have to persuade your husband
that your need is worth his time and money. Cashiers and servers will
ignore you and ask your husband what you want or whether what you ask
for is okay.

Doing more for them seems like it would make you more resentful but
it's possible they can feel you pulling away. And that pulling away
is causing them to pull harder on you, make them even needier.

> What do I do if I just can't give them what they need...if it feels
> as if it is just not in me?
>

Is there a homeschooling girl who could be paid to come play with
them a couple hours a week so you can get out to go for a walk?

Can your husband watch them one night a week -- set up something
special for them all, a fun meal, a movie they all enjoy, and go to a
cafe or bookstore to read?

We often need less time than we think. It's only when we let
ourselves get depleted that it feels like we need huge amounts.
(Which is what your kids might be doing too! They could very well
feel depleted and grabbing at you as much as they possibly can
because they're not getting topped off before they hit rock bottom.)
> For example, I personally need a lot of down time
>

It's helpful to let go of that expectation. But work at accepting it
rather than resentfully shoving the feelings down. Right now, in this
season, they need you. *Expect* that you won't get down time so when
you do get a few seconds that feels like a gift.

If you're there for them now, it will save you huge headaches of
worry and stress when they're teens! "Mommy I need juice! Mommy she
hit me! Mommy she shoved my die up her nose!" is nothing compared to
worrying where your teens who have pulled away and only grump at you
are and who they're with at 3AM! Do the work now so you won't have to
go through that in 10 years!

Joyce



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Beth Williams

>
>
> > There are many days when I can get out of that old mindset and live
> > in the moment with them (not hear the tapes of my parents)...
> > but it seems that my 'default' setting for personal boundaries and
> > limits not in line with mindfully parenting four small children.
>
> It takes awareness. First is recognizing the problem, but then is
> awareness throughout the day. When you first notice a build up, stop
> and take a couple of slow, deep breaths.
>
Allison-
I completely agree w/ this re: awareness. And that all of this takes time
AND patience w/ yourself. And also a refusal to give up and not move
forward, even if the progress is seemingly *slow*. Even the awareness takes
time! Getting to the stopping and taking deep breaths, for me at least, has
taken many unintentional blow-ups, and the guilt that comes afterwards to
even be able to stop BEFORE, and breathe. But I'm getting there. I
understand the tape playing over and over in your head (which always come w/
the guilt for me) and I got some sage advice about that: The only way to get
those tapes to stop playing, to stop beating yourself up and going around in
that never ending wrestling match, is to *forgive* yourself.

About 6-9 mos. ago I was filled w/ feelings of resentment a lot and while I
KNOW I'd had them before, it was the point that I really started to want to
do something about it. I had already realized that when I feel that way re:
my kids it's usually because they are wanting their needs met, and I am
wanting my needs met and their needs are pushing on my
unmet-needs-as-a-child "button". I revert to about 6 years old and am
pouting and grumping for not getting my way (you know the stance, complete
w/ arms folded! --I'm not saying I literally looked like this, but I FELT
it!). It's a shame for me that I didn't get my needs met as a child, but
it's also not my time to be a child anymore.

YES, as Joyce goes on to say, we must find ways to meet our needs too (and
she gave you some wonderful examples of how to do that), but not in that
moment when my child is struggling to get hers met. *I* need to do my best
to understand what she's feeling and acknowledge it and offer solutions or
hugs or just her mom quietly listening to her, whatever SHE needs at that
moment (and if I'm really struggling in that moment, I try my best to just
say nothing and let her screaming, crying, whining, etc. wash over me
--until I'm better able to speak to her w/ love and not resentment). Or
else I'm just going to continue the chain and she will end up like me,
resenting her children. I've found that it's so important to take the
opportunity, when you can, to nourish yourself (literally and figuratively)
in order to be able to nourish her. Just like in order to be able to nurse
a child, you have to eat and drink or the other visual/analogy I've been
relating to lately, about taking the oxygen mask first on a airplane so that
you can then be able to give your child the oxygen.

While I was in the midst of really trying to understand the resentment thing
last spring, I went on a retreat and after a meditation session, they gave
us each a quote and said to just pick one w/o looking at it and it is the
one that was meant for you at this moment (which I find to be true a lot
---what I need...if I voice it....comes to me). So this is what I got (I
found it to be pretty powerful, and a bit like a knife through the heart
...and a wake up call).
�Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.�

Malachy McCourt <http://thinkexist.com/quotes/malachy_mccourt/>

Take care,

Beth


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