Undoing damage . . .
Kathryn
Hello again --
My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular, her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families. My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
Appreciate your input --
Kathryn D
x
My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular, her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families. My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
Appreciate your input --
Kathryn D
x
[email protected]
You discuss it openly and honestly and you apologize.
When I mess up or do something that might be damaging, I take responsibility
for my actions. I talk to my girls about what I have done and why I did it
and then I apologize. I let them tell me how they felt when I said or did
those things. It's not really that much different that what you would do
with your spouse or your best friend. We lived in a really stressful
situation for a while because we lived with my very strict and very
mainstream in laws for a while. Some things were said and done to keep the
peace in the heat of the moment. We used those hurtful things as a
springboard for discussion. Rather than letting them ruin our relationship,
we turned it into a relationship builder.
Connie
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of Kathryn
Sent: Thursday, September 17, 2009 7:12 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Undoing damage . . .
Hello again --
My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have
said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting
text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular,
her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is
only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting
position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families.
My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that
have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
Appreciate your input --
Kathryn D
x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
When I mess up or do something that might be damaging, I take responsibility
for my actions. I talk to my girls about what I have done and why I did it
and then I apologize. I let them tell me how they felt when I said or did
those things. It's not really that much different that what you would do
with your spouse or your best friend. We lived in a really stressful
situation for a while because we lived with my very strict and very
mainstream in laws for a while. Some things were said and done to keep the
peace in the heat of the moment. We used those hurtful things as a
springboard for discussion. Rather than letting them ruin our relationship,
we turned it into a relationship builder.
Connie
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of Kathryn
Sent: Thursday, September 17, 2009 7:12 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Undoing damage . . .
Hello again --
My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have
said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting
text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular,
her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is
only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting
position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families.
My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that
have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
Appreciate your input --
Kathryn D
x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
On Thu, Sep 17, 2009 at 8:11 AM, Kathryn <kathryndubay@...>wrote:
My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have
> said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting
> text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular,
> her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is
> only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
>
***Let go of the shame and move on. You now realize the damage you have
done. The shame has caused you to re-evaluate how you want to parent. You
can thank that feeling and decide where to go next.
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=--=-=-=
>
> I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting
> position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families.
> My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that
> have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
>
*** I find for myself i first recognize what i am doing that i don't like.
There is a lot of pain in that.
then i hear myself saying it and stop and apologize. I might struggle with
this for days or weeks.
Then I get to where I am able to stop myself BEFORE I say yucky things. I
still think them and may need space before I can come from a place of love
in my heart.
Finally I just don't think them any more!
Faith
>
>
>
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jeff Sabo
I simply apologize. This just happened to me Sunday night (at an unschooling conference no less) where I gave my guys the "Well, what about me and MY needs, you ungrateful wretches!" speech. Not a good scene. But as the years go on, these have become rare episodes. And over the years, we have worked together to realize that sometimes ALL of us have initial reactions that we would like to do over. And so we established open lines of communications and apologize when we get crazy. No one ever said that unschooling and respectful parenting were going to happen magically or be easy - there will sometimes be hard times. The trick is in developing the open relationship so that communication and apologies can mean something if the blow ups do occur.
________________________________
From: Kathryn <kathryndubay@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, September 17, 2009 5:11:53 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Undoing damage . . .
Hello again --
My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular, her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families. My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
Appreciate your input --
Kathryn D
x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
________________________________
From: Kathryn <kathryndubay@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, September 17, 2009 5:11:53 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Undoing damage . . .
Hello again --
My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular, her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families. My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
Appreciate your input --
Kathryn D
x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
gruvystarchild
~~The trick is in developing the open relationship so that communication and apologies can mean something if the blow ups do occur. ~~
I just wanted to post a Sabo quote...
Ren, doing the happy dance that Jeff is on here!:)
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
I just wanted to post a Sabo quote...
Ren, doing the happy dance that Jeff is on here!:)
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
Kathryn
==My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that have impacted negatively on the child's self image?==
I apologise for my lack of clarity. I appreciate your responses, but I should have been more specific in my request for information :)
My daughter has made negative comments about her weight gain. Remarks that I made in the recent past such as, "I know too much sugar makes me soggy around the waist -- maybe that's the same for you?" I THOUGHT I was giving her information allowing her to see that there could be a connection between the two. I see now that considering she is 'defooding', (restriction lifted Easter time) I was WAY out of line -- and my comments were manipulative, as my fear of her continuing to expand were in the forefront of my mind. I've apologised to her, but such comments have left an inprint on how she perceives herself, and her food intake. A little fuzzy, I know! Discussion would be much appreciated!!
Thanks again,
Kathryn D
x
I apologise for my lack of clarity. I appreciate your responses, but I should have been more specific in my request for information :)
My daughter has made negative comments about her weight gain. Remarks that I made in the recent past such as, "I know too much sugar makes me soggy around the waist -- maybe that's the same for you?" I THOUGHT I was giving her information allowing her to see that there could be a connection between the two. I see now that considering she is 'defooding', (restriction lifted Easter time) I was WAY out of line -- and my comments were manipulative, as my fear of her continuing to expand were in the forefront of my mind. I've apologised to her, but such comments have left an inprint on how she perceives herself, and her food intake. A little fuzzy, I know! Discussion would be much appreciated!!
Thanks again,
Kathryn D
x
amberlee_b
I so appreciate these posts. I am trying to undo damaging things as well, but from other family like my mother. :( I came from the "conventional" you must be perfect and worthy to gain my love, respect, trust....and all the mixed messages that came with it. I try really really hard to not dump that on my kids. We have talked about it a few times because they have noticed the difference between their aunts and myself.
We do a LOT of apologizing and discussing. We have explained many times we are not perfect, we do not know it all, we are learning right along with them. This has helped so much. Especially when they realize we are doing something very different than where we came from and how we were raised. I have had to apologize in the past and say "UGH! My mom used to say that I can't believe I just said it, please forgive me"....we communicate and tell the stories of the past so we can be different in our future. I am still having issues of my mom and sister's voices in my head. I have gotten much better now that I haven't been around them in a over a year. The kids are happier as well.
Hopefully you aren't dealing with similar levels of abuse in your past, but it helps to compartmentalize. Just because I would have been treated a certain way for wanting a cookie or wanting a certain toy....or wanting to play in makeup....or befriending people my parents thought would be a bad influence (which never happened....funny how that works)....or wanting to go to a party or concert. I am sure you could think of other things.
It goes back to the golden rule...Treat others as you would want to be treated in the same situation. Practice what you will say...practice positive words. I sometimes practice in a mirror so I can see if I look happy and positive when speaking things. Sounds silly I am sure, but you would be surprised how many times your faces isn't looking like what you are saying.
Hang in there, it is a learning growing experience for us all! You are in good hands here. :)
We do a LOT of apologizing and discussing. We have explained many times we are not perfect, we do not know it all, we are learning right along with them. This has helped so much. Especially when they realize we are doing something very different than where we came from and how we were raised. I have had to apologize in the past and say "UGH! My mom used to say that I can't believe I just said it, please forgive me"....we communicate and tell the stories of the past so we can be different in our future. I am still having issues of my mom and sister's voices in my head. I have gotten much better now that I haven't been around them in a over a year. The kids are happier as well.
Hopefully you aren't dealing with similar levels of abuse in your past, but it helps to compartmentalize. Just because I would have been treated a certain way for wanting a cookie or wanting a certain toy....or wanting to play in makeup....or befriending people my parents thought would be a bad influence (which never happened....funny how that works)....or wanting to go to a party or concert. I am sure you could think of other things.
It goes back to the golden rule...Treat others as you would want to be treated in the same situation. Practice what you will say...practice positive words. I sometimes practice in a mirror so I can see if I look happy and positive when speaking things. Sounds silly I am sure, but you would be surprised how many times your faces isn't looking like what you are saying.
Hang in there, it is a learning growing experience for us all! You are in good hands here. :)
--- In [email protected], "Kathryn" <kathryndubay@...> wrote:
>
> Hello again --
>
> My daughter, Mia (7), has regurgitated some pretty damaging things I have said to her in the recent past; things that in the 'conventional' parenting text book were said in an effort to manipulate her actions. In particular, her eating habits. I say that with my head hanging in shame, because it is only now that I realise how deep down in the 'deschooling' category I sit!
>
> I understand that a lot of you have come from a 'conventional' parenting position, and successfully (obviously!) evolved into unschooling families. My question to you is: How do you undo/move on from past statements that have impacted negatively on the child's self image?
>
> Appreciate your input --
>
> Kathryn D
> x
>
Kelly Lovejoy
It's that *can mean something* that makes the difference.
My mother is *famous* for apologizing. She takes it to an amazing level. Seriously. Her friends think I must be the most ungrateful daughter ever. But I've dealt with 49 years of her apologizies---for the *same* things, which she goes right back on doing. She doesn't change, and the apologies are just a form of polite conversation. It's "what you do."
I suggest asking your kids to "call you" on things that you're not following through on. Both my boys are willing to do that. (I originally wrote "happy to do that"---but they *aren't*. But they *do*.)
A perfunctory apology means nothing. And *I* don't want to hear one if you aren't truly sorry. If you can *show* me that you're sorry, I can accept the apology.
?~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff Sabo <freeboysdad@...>
The trick is in developing the open relationship so that communication and apologies can mean something if the blow ups do occur.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My mother is *famous* for apologizing. She takes it to an amazing level. Seriously. Her friends think I must be the most ungrateful daughter ever. But I've dealt with 49 years of her apologizies---for the *same* things, which she goes right back on doing. She doesn't change, and the apologies are just a form of polite conversation. It's "what you do."
I suggest asking your kids to "call you" on things that you're not following through on. Both my boys are willing to do that. (I originally wrote "happy to do that"---but they *aren't*. But they *do*.)
A perfunctory apology means nothing. And *I* don't want to hear one if you aren't truly sorry. If you can *show* me that you're sorry, I can accept the apology.
?~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff Sabo <freeboysdad@...>
The trick is in developing the open relationship so that communication and apologies can mean something if the blow ups do occur.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
As much as we want it to happen overnight these things take time. She we
heal if you let her. You may want to work on fogiving yourself. You may need
to apologize from time to time when the issue comes up again. But for both
your sake find a way to forogive yourself or the cycle will continue.
Faith
heal if you let her. You may want to work on fogiving yourself. You may need
to apologize from time to time when the issue comes up again. But for both
your sake find a way to forogive yourself or the cycle will continue.
Faith
On Thu, Sep 17, 2009 at 8:28 PM, Kathryn <kathryndubay@...>wrote:
>
> My daughter has made negative comments about her weight gain. Remarks that
> I made in the recent past such as, "I know too much sugar makes me soggy
> around the waist -- maybe that's the same for you?" I THOUGHT I was giving
> her information allowing her to see that there could be a connection between
> the two. I see now that considering she is 'defooding', (restriction lifted
> Easter time) I was WAY out of line -- and my comments were manipulative, as
> my fear of her continuing to expand were in the forefront of my mind. I've
> apologised to her, but such comments have left an inprint on how she
> perceives herself, and her food intake.
>
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "Kathryn" <kathryndubay@...> wrote:
To some extent what you're talking about is an aspect of your own "defooding" you're still trying to work out your Own relationship with food and health, and have years of messages about weight and bodily appearance tied up in that. Time and unschooling together are great healers. You don't necessarily need to keep appologizing for the past, but you can work on changing the way to approach and interact with food now. Work on changing your own self-dialog, the messages you repeat inside your own mind, and build up your own sense of yourself as beautiful and worthy. That is a gift you can give yourself And your daughter - as you grow and heal, she'll have an easier time stepping away from those past messages because You'll have stepped past the parts that were about yourself.
Its totally possible for adults to regain those internal senses of when and how and what to eat. It takes time and trust, but it is possible.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
>> My daughter has made negative comments about her weight gain. Remarks that I made in the recent past such as, "I know too much sugar makes me soggy around the waist -- maybe that's the same for you?" I THOUGHT I was giving her information allowing her to see that there could be a connection between the two.********************
To some extent what you're talking about is an aspect of your own "defooding" you're still trying to work out your Own relationship with food and health, and have years of messages about weight and bodily appearance tied up in that. Time and unschooling together are great healers. You don't necessarily need to keep appologizing for the past, but you can work on changing the way to approach and interact with food now. Work on changing your own self-dialog, the messages you repeat inside your own mind, and build up your own sense of yourself as beautiful and worthy. That is a gift you can give yourself And your daughter - as you grow and heal, she'll have an easier time stepping away from those past messages because You'll have stepped past the parts that were about yourself.
Its totally possible for adults to regain those internal senses of when and how and what to eat. It takes time and trust, but it is possible.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
amberlee_b
I understand where you are coming from Kelly. My mom never apologized though. Not to me. She did apologize once to my DD. She was very good at looking wonderful to all the outside world while being nasty to her "ungrateful children". *sigh* Sincere apologies are when you work hard or just stop cold turkey what you are doing or how you are behaving.
I have even told the kids if they have done something they think will make me angry to come to me and say "Mom, I need to talk, do you promise you won't be angry?" And I do this funny deep breath in and out thing and they tell me and we are fine. It sounds silly, but it really helps me see how stupid I could be if I reacted the way my "Mom=voice" would have me react. It sets up my brain to deal with anything that happens.
I am really good at other questions, things that would have been taboo in my former family life (parents and siblings). We have had amazing discussions about the human body, hormones, etc. My mom would have had a fit if I had asked her anything. Probably would have been grounded or kicked out of the house again. Kids are curious and shouldn't have to worry that their mom will take them to a doctor if they ask sex related questions. They should feel comfortable talking about anything with me. I may laugh or be a little on the blushy side, but I actually enjoy listening to them. It is funny when they have heard something or think they know what something is only to find out what it really is. lol In my old life that would have been punishable.
I may never be able to undo the damage done to me by public school or my family, but I can move forward and give love and respect to my children. I can communicate with them in a manner that doesn't destroy their curiosity and creativity or squash their self-worth. I can work to reverse the damage done by other family that thinks control and authority is the way to parent by showing that I don't have to be that way. At least, I hope I can.
I have even told the kids if they have done something they think will make me angry to come to me and say "Mom, I need to talk, do you promise you won't be angry?" And I do this funny deep breath in and out thing and they tell me and we are fine. It sounds silly, but it really helps me see how stupid I could be if I reacted the way my "Mom=voice" would have me react. It sets up my brain to deal with anything that happens.
I am really good at other questions, things that would have been taboo in my former family life (parents and siblings). We have had amazing discussions about the human body, hormones, etc. My mom would have had a fit if I had asked her anything. Probably would have been grounded or kicked out of the house again. Kids are curious and shouldn't have to worry that their mom will take them to a doctor if they ask sex related questions. They should feel comfortable talking about anything with me. I may laugh or be a little on the blushy side, but I actually enjoy listening to them. It is funny when they have heard something or think they know what something is only to find out what it really is. lol In my old life that would have been punishable.
I may never be able to undo the damage done to me by public school or my family, but I can move forward and give love and respect to my children. I can communicate with them in a manner that doesn't destroy their curiosity and creativity or squash their self-worth. I can work to reverse the damage done by other family that thinks control and authority is the way to parent by showing that I don't have to be that way. At least, I hope I can.