September thoughts
sistergoddesselli
Hello everyone -
We started unschooling in January - two kids, Peter age 8 and Sophia age 11.
Peter loves it!! He has gotten the hang of following his bliss and it has been lovely to watch him heal and grow. This is a kid who has had 5 open heart surgeries and numerous other medical procedures and then went to public school up through the middle of second grade - always getting into trouble for fighting and fidgeting. He never felt like he was learning anything, even in kindergarten, where they were teaching him about nursery rhymes, "of all things", when his passion was animals, especially carnivores, and his favorite pass time at that point was to have mom or dad or grandpa write out long lists of all of the animals from his one of his books. Anyway, he is having a great time now that we are unschooling and he is in charge of his learning.
It took a while to de-school all of us, but it is fun to sit with him as he plays computer games or watches TV. Sometimes just fun to chill, sometimes fun to answer questions about word definitions. "Mom, what does envy mean?" he asks while watching some silly cartoon show. Fun to watch him get along better with his sister and feel better about himself. Fun to answer his question about whether he is learning anything. "Peter, you asked me what Timbuktu was. We looked it up. What did you learn? Do you think any other 2nd grader you know knows all of that?? See, you are learning what you need to learn!!"
Sophia hates homeschooling!! And, we are sending her back to school - her choice. She has been craving her friends and wanting a locker and the whole middle school experience. I think all of those shows about middle school on TV have really captivated her attention and interest.
I've had to move through feelings of shame - that homeschooling is not what she is choosing right now, that we missed the chance to get her into the "Good" public middle schools in our city because I took her out of school when some bullying got really mean last year, that she will be going to one of the okay but not fabulous school and that her friends will all be attending the gifted program housed within that school but she'll be in other classes, not because she is not gifted but because I was late in enrolling her and we missed the opportunity. Ohhh, can you feel my shame!?!?!
But, through all of this I am feeling good about letting her chose her path and supporting her in it. We are going to get some cute clothes and school supplies and go to the doctors for her check-up. She'll be going to school a day late so we can get all of this done. And, the rest is up to her. If she wants out, we'll remove her again. If she sleeps in, I'll let her. If she wants a better school, we may move. If she wants private school, well, we'll have to work on that one, finances is not one of our strong points right now.
And, I am realizing that I have LOTS of CHARGE around school. And, I am healing, I hope. I am putting two and two together and realizing that I simply HATE school!!! I've always gotten depressed at the end of the summer - my husband whole heartily agrees with this observation. And, when I went in to register Sophia, I felt nauseous and emotional and sad. And I've never liked being in their elementary school building (even though it is one of the best in our city) and always felt disconnected from the other moms. Walking around the middle school I felt like crying. And, I really had to work to hold by my tears.
I learned last year that when I was a month old, my mom had to go to work (teaching school) because my parents had been unable to sell their first house before they bought their second house and they had two mortgages. Mom worked from the end of August, I am guessing, up through January of my first year. Newborn me went to my aunt's house. She had three kids, including her youngest who was 10 months old and had suffered brain damage because my aunt had had German measles during her pregnancy. I am sure my aunty was loving and kind. Her house has always felt like a second home to me. But, I am also sure her plate was full and her feelings towards me complicated by my cousin's illness.
Thinking about my autumn blues, I can imagine that it all started with this experience in my early life. And, then, add to that the anxiety of going to school each year at this same time. The blues plus anxiety - not a good combination!! I hated that stupid "Bunny Bus" - that's what they called my kindergarten bus. I hated being in a class room with Gordy Gonzales who crumbled up his cookies and stuck them in my milk. I hated that both of my best friends/next-door-neighbors went to morning kindergarten while I was stuck in afternoon kindergarten. I hated it all!!!!!!! I think that once I realized I was stuck I went numb. Numb to the whole experience.
Oh, I was a good student. All "A"s, wanting to go to a good college. I had good friends in school. Then, a serious depression hit me in my last year of high school, when my family moved to another state and allowed me to stay in Baltimore to finish high school with my friends. I've always felt that loosing my family that year was worse than loosing my friends would have been. It took a long time to surface from that depression, but I have.
And, now, mostly, I get this autumnal blues and another blues in February. I am aware of it, and that's good. I am connecting it with an episode in my life, good too. And, I am going to a counselor who specializes in trauma and attachment (Beyond Consequenses style.) Oh, and best of all, I am unschooling my kids (even supporting Sophia in her choice to school is unschooly - she can do what she wants, not what I want her to do, and if school is what she wants, I'll support her). Anyway, all of this is healing me. And, when mother heals, daughter can too.
Writing this down and sharing it with y'all, is healing. Thanks for reading it. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Elli
We started unschooling in January - two kids, Peter age 8 and Sophia age 11.
Peter loves it!! He has gotten the hang of following his bliss and it has been lovely to watch him heal and grow. This is a kid who has had 5 open heart surgeries and numerous other medical procedures and then went to public school up through the middle of second grade - always getting into trouble for fighting and fidgeting. He never felt like he was learning anything, even in kindergarten, where they were teaching him about nursery rhymes, "of all things", when his passion was animals, especially carnivores, and his favorite pass time at that point was to have mom or dad or grandpa write out long lists of all of the animals from his one of his books. Anyway, he is having a great time now that we are unschooling and he is in charge of his learning.
It took a while to de-school all of us, but it is fun to sit with him as he plays computer games or watches TV. Sometimes just fun to chill, sometimes fun to answer questions about word definitions. "Mom, what does envy mean?" he asks while watching some silly cartoon show. Fun to watch him get along better with his sister and feel better about himself. Fun to answer his question about whether he is learning anything. "Peter, you asked me what Timbuktu was. We looked it up. What did you learn? Do you think any other 2nd grader you know knows all of that?? See, you are learning what you need to learn!!"
Sophia hates homeschooling!! And, we are sending her back to school - her choice. She has been craving her friends and wanting a locker and the whole middle school experience. I think all of those shows about middle school on TV have really captivated her attention and interest.
I've had to move through feelings of shame - that homeschooling is not what she is choosing right now, that we missed the chance to get her into the "Good" public middle schools in our city because I took her out of school when some bullying got really mean last year, that she will be going to one of the okay but not fabulous school and that her friends will all be attending the gifted program housed within that school but she'll be in other classes, not because she is not gifted but because I was late in enrolling her and we missed the opportunity. Ohhh, can you feel my shame!?!?!
But, through all of this I am feeling good about letting her chose her path and supporting her in it. We are going to get some cute clothes and school supplies and go to the doctors for her check-up. She'll be going to school a day late so we can get all of this done. And, the rest is up to her. If she wants out, we'll remove her again. If she sleeps in, I'll let her. If she wants a better school, we may move. If she wants private school, well, we'll have to work on that one, finances is not one of our strong points right now.
And, I am realizing that I have LOTS of CHARGE around school. And, I am healing, I hope. I am putting two and two together and realizing that I simply HATE school!!! I've always gotten depressed at the end of the summer - my husband whole heartily agrees with this observation. And, when I went in to register Sophia, I felt nauseous and emotional and sad. And I've never liked being in their elementary school building (even though it is one of the best in our city) and always felt disconnected from the other moms. Walking around the middle school I felt like crying. And, I really had to work to hold by my tears.
I learned last year that when I was a month old, my mom had to go to work (teaching school) because my parents had been unable to sell their first house before they bought their second house and they had two mortgages. Mom worked from the end of August, I am guessing, up through January of my first year. Newborn me went to my aunt's house. She had three kids, including her youngest who was 10 months old and had suffered brain damage because my aunt had had German measles during her pregnancy. I am sure my aunty was loving and kind. Her house has always felt like a second home to me. But, I am also sure her plate was full and her feelings towards me complicated by my cousin's illness.
Thinking about my autumn blues, I can imagine that it all started with this experience in my early life. And, then, add to that the anxiety of going to school each year at this same time. The blues plus anxiety - not a good combination!! I hated that stupid "Bunny Bus" - that's what they called my kindergarten bus. I hated being in a class room with Gordy Gonzales who crumbled up his cookies and stuck them in my milk. I hated that both of my best friends/next-door-neighbors went to morning kindergarten while I was stuck in afternoon kindergarten. I hated it all!!!!!!! I think that once I realized I was stuck I went numb. Numb to the whole experience.
Oh, I was a good student. All "A"s, wanting to go to a good college. I had good friends in school. Then, a serious depression hit me in my last year of high school, when my family moved to another state and allowed me to stay in Baltimore to finish high school with my friends. I've always felt that loosing my family that year was worse than loosing my friends would have been. It took a long time to surface from that depression, but I have.
And, now, mostly, I get this autumnal blues and another blues in February. I am aware of it, and that's good. I am connecting it with an episode in my life, good too. And, I am going to a counselor who specializes in trauma and attachment (Beyond Consequenses style.) Oh, and best of all, I am unschooling my kids (even supporting Sophia in her choice to school is unschooly - she can do what she wants, not what I want her to do, and if school is what she wants, I'll support her). Anyway, all of this is healing me. And, when mother heals, daughter can too.
Writing this down and sharing it with y'all, is healing. Thanks for reading it. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Elli
Lori Dair
sistergoddesselli wrote:
Sophia hates homeschooling!! And, we are sending her back to school -
her choice. She has been craving her friends and wanting a locker and
the whole middle school experience. I think all of those shows about
middle school on TV have really captivated her attention and interest.
==> Thanks for sharing your story. I laughed at the part about the
locker. My 12-year-old (who is in her 2nd year of unschooling) admitted
to me yesterday that sometimes she wishes she were in school, so she
could have a locker.
I know that I am enjoying unschooling so much more than she is, and that
she would prefer more structure. We spent the entire year last year
"deschooling" and I immersed myself in unschooling lists, and books, and
groups, and I am really am drawn to the whole lifestyle. But I am
reluctantly coming to grips with the fact that my 12-year old doesn't
really love it the way I do. Ironically, my 7-year-old -- who really
has a feel for unschooling and wants to do it -- is in school because my
husband does not want me to take her out of school right now. Maybe I'm
trying to "unschool" the wrong kid! In truth, I want them both home so
we can fully explore the unschooled life.
I really hate having to still live in the schooling world, while I am so
excited about the freedom and joy of unschooling.
--Lori
Sophia hates homeschooling!! And, we are sending her back to school -
her choice. She has been craving her friends and wanting a locker and
the whole middle school experience. I think all of those shows about
middle school on TV have really captivated her attention and interest.
==> Thanks for sharing your story. I laughed at the part about the
locker. My 12-year-old (who is in her 2nd year of unschooling) admitted
to me yesterday that sometimes she wishes she were in school, so she
could have a locker.
I know that I am enjoying unschooling so much more than she is, and that
she would prefer more structure. We spent the entire year last year
"deschooling" and I immersed myself in unschooling lists, and books, and
groups, and I am really am drawn to the whole lifestyle. But I am
reluctantly coming to grips with the fact that my 12-year old doesn't
really love it the way I do. Ironically, my 7-year-old -- who really
has a feel for unschooling and wants to do it -- is in school because my
husband does not want me to take her out of school right now. Maybe I'm
trying to "unschool" the wrong kid! In truth, I want them both home so
we can fully explore the unschooled life.
I really hate having to still live in the schooling world, while I am so
excited about the freedom and joy of unschooling.
--Lori
>
>
plaidpanties666
There's a new support group over at the Radical Unschoolers Network for families where one or more kids are choosing to go to school:
http://familyrun.ning.com/group/choosingschool
One of the comments that has been made there is that girls around 12ish often see school as the only available place to spend a lot of time with other girls their age - its a developmental thing, to some extent. That might be reassuring to know!
---Meredith
http://familyrun.ning.com/group/choosingschool
One of the comments that has been made there is that girls around 12ish often see school as the only available place to spend a lot of time with other girls their age - its a developmental thing, to some extent. That might be reassuring to know!
---Meredith
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], Lori Dair <loridair@...> wrote:
That's something to think about wrt to your dd. Its possible that she could be more interested in unschooling if it were a different lifestyle - one that fit her better. To some extent, that's what kids who are wanting school are saying: this lifestyle isn't meeting my needs. Many unschoolers can find a better fit by altering the way they unschool. Not the principles, but the day to day flow. Get out more, take some classes, join some clubs, whatever. Sometimes that's not the easiest thing in the world, depending on what a kid wants to do, and what resources are locally available.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
>> I amWell, yes! Unschooling isn't something you do "to" kids, so trying to "get" a kid who is focused on school to unschool can create a lot of resentment - which undermines unschooling big time. Its far far better to empower kids as much as you possibly can, to make their own decisions, including decisions you don't like very much. That's challenging, but its really one of the core concepts of unschooling, empowering kids to be in charge of their own decision making.
> reluctantly coming to grips with the fact that my 12-year old doesn't
> really love it the way I do. Ironically, my 7-year-old -- who really
> has a feel for unschooling and wants to do it -- is in school because my
> husband does not want me to take her out of school right now. Maybe I'm
> trying to "unschool" the wrong kid!
> I am really am drawn to the whole lifestyle.We sometimes talk about unschooling as a lifestyle, but its not A lifestyle - its pretty individual. That's something I notice every time Ray goes to spend a few days with his bio mom. Ray's lifestyle is very different from Mo's. His needs and interests are different. Some of that is the age difference. At almost 16, Ray wants to be out and about a whole lot. This weekend he's working. He's taking three classes during the week. He goes to regular social and music events. He's busy! So we don't have the long slow, cozy days with him that we can with Mo, who's an introvert, and eight years his junior. Our lifestyle as a family is different than it would be without Ray.
That's something to think about wrt to your dd. Its possible that she could be more interested in unschooling if it were a different lifestyle - one that fit her better. To some extent, that's what kids who are wanting school are saying: this lifestyle isn't meeting my needs. Many unschoolers can find a better fit by altering the way they unschool. Not the principles, but the day to day flow. Get out more, take some classes, join some clubs, whatever. Sometimes that's not the easiest thing in the world, depending on what a kid wants to do, and what resources are locally available.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
Heather
plaidpanties666 wrote:
kids that does meet their needs. My son first expressed interest in
school at age 11, and by really intensively finding opportunities
outside the house he has stayed happy at home(or in the community,
really) until now. Things like getting VERY involved in a homeschool
learning center, finding all kinds of other ways to have contact with
people around his interests at different times- music lessons, game club
at the university, sports, bands(lot of those), apprenticeships, jobs,
etc. He is finally going to school at age 16. A new charter school is
opening this year that seems really interesting and several friends are
going too. The teachers there have their work cut out for them to make
that environment more interesting than homeschooling for those kids. We
are really curious to see if they can do it- despite having to meet
state requirements.
I am still figuring out what will meet my daughter's needs. She also
became interested in school at the same exact age, 11. Her cousins both
attended middle school that year and she felt really left out. She
visited the only school option last fall and decided she is not
interested in that. It has been so far harder to find ways to meet her
needs - she is a totally different person. Less outgoing, and pretty
reluctant to try new things and meet new people, but really not happy to
be at home. We go out together a lot, shopping, biking, etc. and do our
best to make a lot of plans with people(though as that requires their
agreement- it isn't always successful- especially with school at home
families). She does have a few outside activities she likes to attend -
because she knows people who are going. It isn't always enough, though.
I work from home part time, and that keeps us home a lot.
We have even considered moving into the college town we live near- so it
is easier for our kids to have access to other people and stuff to do
every day that way. So far that doesn't seem financially viable, as we
need room for our businesses, too, but we keep looking.
Keeping an open mind and being willing to stretch - time, money,
lifestyle - to meet their needs is what has been needed to keep my kids
home. It has been challenging for me - I found the earlier days, when
they were happy to hang with me at home more, to be more suited to my
own preferences! But it is all very enjoyable - just a big stretch. And
when they get older and I can stay home all I want - I am going to miss
them like crazy. It is really worth it just to enjoy their company.
Heather (in NY)
>Exactly! We put a lot of energy into figuring out a lifestyle for our
>
> Its possible that she could be more interested in unschooling if it
> were a different lifestyle - one that fit her better. To some extent,
> that's what kids who are wanting school are saying: this lifestyle
> isn't meeting my needs.
>
kids that does meet their needs. My son first expressed interest in
school at age 11, and by really intensively finding opportunities
outside the house he has stayed happy at home(or in the community,
really) until now. Things like getting VERY involved in a homeschool
learning center, finding all kinds of other ways to have contact with
people around his interests at different times- music lessons, game club
at the university, sports, bands(lot of those), apprenticeships, jobs,
etc. He is finally going to school at age 16. A new charter school is
opening this year that seems really interesting and several friends are
going too. The teachers there have their work cut out for them to make
that environment more interesting than homeschooling for those kids. We
are really curious to see if they can do it- despite having to meet
state requirements.
I am still figuring out what will meet my daughter's needs. She also
became interested in school at the same exact age, 11. Her cousins both
attended middle school that year and she felt really left out. She
visited the only school option last fall and decided she is not
interested in that. It has been so far harder to find ways to meet her
needs - she is a totally different person. Less outgoing, and pretty
reluctant to try new things and meet new people, but really not happy to
be at home. We go out together a lot, shopping, biking, etc. and do our
best to make a lot of plans with people(though as that requires their
agreement- it isn't always successful- especially with school at home
families). She does have a few outside activities she likes to attend -
because she knows people who are going. It isn't always enough, though.
I work from home part time, and that keeps us home a lot.
We have even considered moving into the college town we live near- so it
is easier for our kids to have access to other people and stuff to do
every day that way. So far that doesn't seem financially viable, as we
need room for our businesses, too, but we keep looking.
Keeping an open mind and being willing to stretch - time, money,
lifestyle - to meet their needs is what has been needed to keep my kids
home. It has been challenging for me - I found the earlier days, when
they were happy to hang with me at home more, to be more suited to my
own preferences! But it is all very enjoyable - just a big stretch. And
when they get older and I can stay home all I want - I am going to miss
them like crazy. It is really worth it just to enjoy their company.
Heather (in NY)