Faith Void

>
> OP: he pinches, punches, refuses to follow any request, command or
> suggestion even if he's bribed or begged! he started this around 18 months
> and got over it a few months ago and now he's right back to it only WORSE!
> he'll look me straight in the eye when i make a request, demand, etc. and
> continue to do the opposite of what i want!
>
> my husband and i are completely out of solutions. i can not see what the
> source of his behavior would be. most say it's middle child syndrome or
> "boys will be boys".
>
>












I am wondering if I am getting this right. You are saying that your three
year old will not listen to commands and demands?
Could you give us a specific example?

I am thinking that you perhaps you are asking him but you aren't accepting
his answers. Are you allowing him space to follow his own path? Doe he have
adequate autonomy?

I have three dd12, ds6 and dd22months. When I want my children to do things
I ask. They are free to respond the way that fits them.
Me: "dd12 could you help me bring in the groceries or watch the baby so I
can"?
dd12 can answer in any way that works for her...
"Sure I will watch the baby"
"Sure I will carry in the groceries"
"in a minute I am in the middle of something"
or
"no I don't want to" or "I can't"

I am sure there are more options but anything is acceptable because I am
asking. I am not requesting, demanding, begging or bribing. I am asking for
help.

If the toddler wants to do something I am opposed to I try to figure out a
solution that works for both of us.

scenario: toddler has sharpie marker and is writing on the wall.
I ask dd22m to please stop drawing on the wall. typically this is enough. If
it isn't I will offer paper and myself (to draw with her, as it seems she
also wants attention). If that doesn't work I will remind her that we have a
wall specially for drawing on and take her there.

I do A LOT of problem solving with all my kids, even the baby. If it hasn't
been your way before it might take some getting use to. You may have to pick
your battles a little more carefully while adjusting to this new way to
communicate.

Have you read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen so Kids Will
Talk? by Faber & Mazlich? That is a really good start towards filling up
your tool box.

I would love to write more but I am out of time.

Faith







--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

equinox_autumn

i get what you are saying and that is what i do. i ask, and if it's "please help me put away groceries" he's all for it!

here's an example:
he's punching/kicking/hitting/pinching/head butting
me: auggie, that hurts, please stop. please give me nice touches.
auggie: <smirks, stares me in the eye and keeps doing it>
me: you are hurting my body and my feelings. please stop
auggie:<same, possibly worse> it doesn't hurt you
me: yes, it does. let's go play.
auggie: <more of the same>

so i try to redirect, he escalates in the severity and frequency of his aggression.

i then change to demanding:

"do not hurt me."

it just never stops.

he screams and yells and we often just let it go because it makes him feel good. (never more than a suggestion like "auggie, that is a loud voice, could you please use your quieter voice?" we a pretty sure he sometimes doesn't even know he's doing it.)

i understand what you are saying and he has every opportunity for autonomy.

he has no impulse control. i am taking him for his well child exam next week and having him screened for sensory disorders.

i'll let you know what the doc says next week. thanks for thinking about it!

god give you joy,
chrissy

Faith Void

Chrissy, that's hard. With my ds I would hold his hands as gently as
possible and not physically allow him to hit me. If he needed to be
removed I would. It is absolutely not ok with me to be hit by anyone.
I don't allow my children to hit each other in anger or without consent.

Faith



Sent from my iPhone

On Aug 18, 2009, at 7:51 AM, "equinox_autumn"
<EquinoxAutumn@...> wrote:

> i get what you are saying and that is what i do. i ask, and if it's
> "please help me put away groceries" he's all for it!
>
> here's an example:
> he's punching/kicking/hitting/pinching/head butting
> me: auggie, that hurts, please stop. please give me nice touches.
> auggie: <smirks, stares me in the eye and keeps doing it>
> me: you are hurting my body and my feelings. please stop
> auggie:<same, possibly worse> it doesn't hurt you
> me: yes, it does. let's go play.
> auggie: <more of the same>
>
> so i try to redirect, he escalates in the severity and frequency of
> his aggression.
>
> i then change to demanding:
>
> "do not hurt me."
>
> it just never stops.
>
> he screams and yells and we often just let it go because it makes
> him feel good. (never more than a suggestion like "auggie, that is a
> loud voice, could you please use your quieter voice?" we a pretty
> sure he sometimes doesn't even know he's doing it.)
>
> i understand what you are saying and he has every opportunity for
> autonomy.
>
> he has no impulse control. i am taking him for his well child exam
> next week and having him screened for sensory disorders.
>
> i'll let you know what the doc says next week. thanks for thinking
> about it!
>
> god give you joy,
> chrissy
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "equinox_autumn" <EquinoxAutumn@...> wrote:
>> he has no impulse control.

Its not uncommon for young children to have little to no impulse control. The more proactive you can be the happier you'll be - look for ways to meet his needs *before* he's hitting you. Observe carefully what kinds of big muscle movements he enjoys and look for ways for him to use those muscle groups that don't include hurting people. If he likes punching, encourage him to punch pillows and other "safe" things - I don't just mean when he punches you to try to redirect him. I mean fill his day with offers and suggestions for the kind of fun he likes. Give him sticks to whack down weeds, soft things to pinch in his fingers, hold a couch cushion and encourage him to head-butt it. Brainstorm a list for yourself and hang it up somewhere you can see it. Any time he's not all wrapped up in something, offer some new, big muscle action. Some kids need a lot of big muscle stimulation - either as a phase or as an aspect of their temperament. Ray *still* needs big muscle stimulation... as I'm typing he's in the workshop downstairs pounding something on his new anvil!

> he's punching/kicking/hitting/pinching/head butting
> me: auggie, that hurts, please stop. please give me nice touches.
> auggie: <smirks, stares me in the eye and keeps doing it>
> me: you are hurting my body and my feelings. please stop
> auggie:<same, possibly worse> it doesn't hurt you

*Does* it hurt you? If he's actively hurting you, then saying "stop" in a nice voice isn't helpful. You're giving him conflicting messages. If you're hurt say "hey, that hurts" in a loud, firm tone right off the bat. Learn to block punches safely if you need to, until you can figure out the proactive part of dealing with his needs, but don't let him hurt you. That's not good for either of you.

Kids, even adults can smirk or smile under stress. I have a strong impulse to laugh under stress that I've learned to control bc its just soooooooo socially inappropriate. I once read that smiling has evolved from an expression some mammals use to show submissiveness - which may or may not be true, but I find it interesting in this context.

> so i try to redirect, he escalates in the severity and frequency of his aggression.
>
> i then change to demanding

Part of the problem may be that you're using an approach that's too verbal. Shorten the whole interaction down to: "stop, do this instead" and then *give* him something else to hit, right then and there. Or wrap him up in a big playful hug and wrestle him so he gets the big, physical stimulation he needs in a different way.

But the important part is the proactive part. If he has poor impulse control, then by the time he's hitting he has none at all - so redirecting is going to be hard, at best.

>> having him screened for sensory disorders

Whether or not he has a sensory delay/disorder, being proactive is the most important thing you can do for him. And either way, I totally recommend you read "The Out of Sync Child" for its wonderful lists of activities.

---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)