Seeking suggestions
srmccann2003
Some of you may remember that my son experienced some traumatic events in public school in K and then the begining of 1st grade. The largest being the principal not allowing me to take him out when he said he didn't feel well. She physically took him from me holding his arms, restraining him. He went to the floor sobbing and screaming and she hung a timer around his neck and told me it would go off in an hour and then he could talk to me. I was told that my son was manipulating me and he was lying, that she was the professional and I was the over protective mother. I was then escorted out of the school. He was sent back to his class with the timer around his neck for all his classmates to see. And yes, he was indeed sick and not lying, he had a double ear infection, tonsillitis and a sinus infection. Needless to say he never stepped foot in the school again. That was a year and a half ago and despite attempting to de-school my son he is still very angry and he continues to have trouble trusting people.
I'm still struggling with the guilt that I allowed them to escort me out of the school. That I didn't fight when I KNEW what she was doing was wrong. Some people have asked me why I didn't become physical with her. Why I didn't call the police. Why I didn't sue them. I KNOW I allowed a person who I thought was in authority to push me to do something I didn't want to do but hearing others who would have done differently only makes me feel worse. Bottom line, I don't blame my son for being angry, I know I'm still furious with the principal and if there were only one day that I could go back and change it would be that one. And believe me if you knew my past that's saying a lot.
I think I need closure somehow. Even writing this brings tears. And two nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.
Thanks,
Sarah
I'm still struggling with the guilt that I allowed them to escort me out of the school. That I didn't fight when I KNEW what she was doing was wrong. Some people have asked me why I didn't become physical with her. Why I didn't call the police. Why I didn't sue them. I KNOW I allowed a person who I thought was in authority to push me to do something I didn't want to do but hearing others who would have done differently only makes me feel worse. Bottom line, I don't blame my son for being angry, I know I'm still furious with the principal and if there were only one day that I could go back and change it would be that one. And believe me if you knew my past that's saying a lot.
I think I need closure somehow. Even writing this brings tears. And two nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.
Thanks,
Sarah
Paul & Camille
Oh Sarah,
I dont have any answers for you, but how terrible for both of you. I cant believe that someone like that is in charge of children, and how dare she say those things to you.
The only thing I would suggest, although you have probably done this already is to talk to your son about your actions. Whats done is done, however children can something think -'Why did Mum leave me and not stick up for me' type thing. Im not saying this to make you feel bad, as who knows how any of us would react in such a circumstance, other than I can tell you my blood is boiling just thinking about it - for both of you. I would tell him that you feel really bad that you didnt do something, take him out, slug her one LOl or whatever, and that you would do things differently if you had the time over again. Maybe it would make him laugh if you imagined something else happening.... Like you sluged her in the nose, hung the clock around her neck and attached her to the flag pole or something. Maybe write her a letter telling her what a ......... she is from your son and yourself (you dont have to send it, but Id be tempted to, just so she knows how she has effected someone that long ago). As long as your son knows that you are sorry that you didnt protect him and you learnt from that experience also.
HTH, and blessings to all of you, Camille :D
I dont have any answers for you, but how terrible for both of you. I cant believe that someone like that is in charge of children, and how dare she say those things to you.
The only thing I would suggest, although you have probably done this already is to talk to your son about your actions. Whats done is done, however children can something think -'Why did Mum leave me and not stick up for me' type thing. Im not saying this to make you feel bad, as who knows how any of us would react in such a circumstance, other than I can tell you my blood is boiling just thinking about it - for both of you. I would tell him that you feel really bad that you didnt do something, take him out, slug her one LOl or whatever, and that you would do things differently if you had the time over again. Maybe it would make him laugh if you imagined something else happening.... Like you sluged her in the nose, hung the clock around her neck and attached her to the flag pole or something. Maybe write her a letter telling her what a ......... she is from your son and yourself (you dont have to send it, but Id be tempted to, just so she knows how she has effected someone that long ago). As long as your son knows that you are sorry that you didnt protect him and you learnt from that experience also.
HTH, and blessings to all of you, Camille :D
----- Original Message -----
From: srmccann2003
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, August 06, 2009 7:26 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Seeking suggestions
Some of you may remember that my son experienced some traumatic events in public school in K and then the begining of 1st grade. The largest being the principal not allowing me to take him out when he said he didn't feel well. She physically took him from me holding his arms, restraining him. He went to the floor sobbing and screaming and she hung a timer around his neck and told me it would go off in an hour and then he could talk to me. I was told that my son was manipulating me and he was lying, that she was the professional and I was the over protective mother. I was then escorted out of the school. He was sent back to his class with the timer around his neck for all his classmates to see. And yes, he was indeed sick and not lying, he had a double ear infection, tonsillitis and a sinus infection. Needless to say he never stepped foot in the school again. That was a year and a half ago and despite attempting to de-school my son he is still very angry and he continues to have trouble trusting people.
I'm still struggling with the guilt that I allowed them to escort me out of the school. That I didn't fight when I KNEW what she was doing was wrong. Some people have asked me why I didn't become physical with her. Why I didn't call the police. Why I didn't sue them. I KNOW I allowed a person who I thought was in authority to push me to do something I didn't want to do but hearing others who would have done differently only makes me feel worse. Bottom line, I don't blame my son for being angry, I know I'm still furious with the principal and if there were only one day that I could go back and change it would be that one. And believe me if you knew my past that's saying a lot.
I think I need closure somehow. Even writing this brings tears. And two nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.
Thanks,
Sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rachael Reese
I'm sorry I don't have any advice. Rather, I need whatever advice comes in as well! Just wanted to let you know I'm totally with you and in the same boat. A few years ago I sat in the principal's office while she told me that my son had threatened several teachers with violence when I knew it wasn't true. I never stood up for him and felt like a kid again myself in the dreaded principal's office! *Hugs*
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Faith Void
O: I think I need closure somehow. Even writing this brings tears. And two
nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old
biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around
his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help
that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of
a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a
young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence
stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger,
to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move
on.
***Have you apologized to your son for this? And maybe even every time he
brings it up. Have you asked him what he needs? Maybe he needs a few revenge
fantasies. Or maybe he needs to write a letter to this woman. What are his
ideas? Children are resilient. But they do need help making it through in a
healthy way. Guide him towards healing.
It really sounds like a horribly abusive and humiliated thing to do. Have
you ever went back and talked to her. Have you told her that he was indeed
very sick? perhaps she would be willing to apologize. perhaps not but you
could ask her.
Start by forgiving yourself. It was a learning take. What have you learned
about yourself during that experiences?
Faith
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old
biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around
his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help
that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of
a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a
young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence
stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger,
to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move
on.
***Have you apologized to your son for this? And maybe even every time he
brings it up. Have you asked him what he needs? Maybe he needs a few revenge
fantasies. Or maybe he needs to write a letter to this woman. What are his
ideas? Children are resilient. But they do need help making it through in a
healthy way. Guide him towards healing.
It really sounds like a horribly abusive and humiliated thing to do. Have
you ever went back and talked to her. Have you told her that he was indeed
very sick? perhaps she would be willing to apologize. perhaps not but you
could ask her.
Start by forgiving yourself. It was a learning take. What have you learned
about yourself during that experiences?
Faith
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amy Peterson
Hi, Sarah.
Please stop being so hard on yourself. Try to forgive yourself.
I'll admit that when I read your description of what happened with your son, I was shocked at what happened, and wondered why you allowed it to happen. But I wasn't there! I can only read your description of it - I cannot feel the intimidation of that horrible woman, or the insecurity you felt in that building, around all those "professionals". I can only imagine that in the chaos and confusion of all that was happening, I, too, (and many other terrific mothers, I'm sure) could easily have become overwhelmed and unsure of myself, trusting that they knew better, since they seemed so confident, so persuasive, so pushy. You were overwhelmed and you didn't perform well under the pressure. But you learned from it, and you're now SO much stronger for it.
Likewise, your son has learned something as well. Some of the best people in history have been through some pretty rough stuff. Your son will have more compassion now for the misunderstood. Maybe he will grow up to be an advocate for children, or a very understanding, patient daddy. He's learned the importance of giving people the benefit of the doubt, speaking up for others, and standing up for what he knows is right.
You guys will get through this. Look for the good in it. I do believe you can find some good if you look hard enough. You both have an opportunity for growth here. It was a horrible, impossible situation with a person in authority whom you thought you could trust. Why would you think otherwise? Stop blaming yourself. Realize how much stronger you are now, and be grateful.
Please stop being so hard on yourself. Try to forgive yourself.
I'll admit that when I read your description of what happened with your son, I was shocked at what happened, and wondered why you allowed it to happen. But I wasn't there! I can only read your description of it - I cannot feel the intimidation of that horrible woman, or the insecurity you felt in that building, around all those "professionals". I can only imagine that in the chaos and confusion of all that was happening, I, too, (and many other terrific mothers, I'm sure) could easily have become overwhelmed and unsure of myself, trusting that they knew better, since they seemed so confident, so persuasive, so pushy. You were overwhelmed and you didn't perform well under the pressure. But you learned from it, and you're now SO much stronger for it.
Likewise, your son has learned something as well. Some of the best people in history have been through some pretty rough stuff. Your son will have more compassion now for the misunderstood. Maybe he will grow up to be an advocate for children, or a very understanding, patient daddy. He's learned the importance of giving people the benefit of the doubt, speaking up for others, and standing up for what he knows is right.
You guys will get through this. Look for the good in it. I do believe you can find some good if you look hard enough. You both have an opportunity for growth here. It was a horrible, impossible situation with a person in authority whom you thought you could trust. Why would you think otherwise? Stop blaming yourself. Realize how much stronger you are now, and be grateful.
--- On Wed, 8/5/09, srmccann2003 <smccann@...> wrote:
From: srmccann2003 <smccann@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Seeking suggestions
To: [email protected]
Date: Wednesday, August 5, 2009, 12:26 PM
Some of you may remember that my son experienced some traumatic events in public school in K and then the begining of 1st grade. The largest being the principal not allowing me to take him out when he said he didn't feel well. She physically took him from me holding his arms, restraining him. He went to the floor sobbing and screaming and she hung a timer around his neck and told me it would go off in an hour and then he could talk to me. I was told that my son was manipulating me and he was lying, that she was the professional and I was the over protective mother. I was then escorted out of the school. He was sent back to his class with the timer around his neck for all his classmates to see. And yes, he was indeed sick and not lying, he had a double ear infection, tonsillitis and a sinus infection. Needless to say he never stepped foot in the school again. That was a year and a half ago and despite attempting to de-school my
son he is still very angry and he continues to have trouble trusting people.
I'm still struggling with the guilt that I allowed them to escort me out of the school. That I didn't fight when I KNEW what she was doing was wrong. Some people have asked me why I didn't become physical with her. Why I didn't call the police. Why I didn't sue them. I KNOW I allowed a person who I thought was in authority to push me to do something I didn't want to do but hearing others who would have done differently only makes me feel worse. Bottom line, I don't blame my son for being angry, I know I'm still furious with the principal and if there were only one day that I could go back and change it would be that one. And believe me if you knew my past that's saying a lot.
I think I need closure somehow. Even writing this brings tears. And two nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.
Thanks,
Sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Betj
I understand. Sometimes in the moment we are so shocked we don't think about what is going on. We can all say what we would have done but hindsight is 20/20. Let him know that some (not all) people in positions of authority abuse power. Some just go into certain professions for the power.
Beth
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
-----Original Message-----
From: "srmccann2003" <smccann@...>
Date: Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:26:42
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Seeking suggestions
Some of you may remember that my son experienced some traumatic events in public school in K and then the begining of 1st grade. The largest being the principal not allowing me to take him out when he said he didn't feel well. She physically took him from me holding his arms, restraining him. He went to the floor sobbing and screaming and she hung a timer around his neck and told me it would go off in an hour and then he could talk to me. I was told that my son was manipulating me and he was lying, that she was the professional and I was the over protective mother. I was then escorted out of the school. He was sent back to his class with the timer around his neck for all his classmates to see. And yes, he was indeed sick and not lying, he had a double ear infection, tonsillitis and a sinus infection. Needless to say he never stepped foot in the school again. That was a year and a half ago and despite attempting to de-school my son he is still very angry and he continues to have trouble trusting people.
I'm still struggling with the guilt that I allowed them to escort me out of the school. That I didn't fight when I KNEW what she was doing was wrong. Some people have asked me why I didn't become physical with her. Why I didn't call the police. Why I didn't sue them. I KNOW I allowed a person who I thought was in authority to push me to do something I didn't want to do but hearing others who would have done differently only makes me feel worse. Bottom line, I don't blame my son for being angry, I know I'm still furious with the principal and if there were only one day that I could go back and change it would be that one. And believe me if you knew my past that's saying a lot.
I think I need closure somehow. Even writing this brings tears. And two nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.
Thanks,
Sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Beth
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
-----Original Message-----
From: "srmccann2003" <smccann@...>
Date: Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:26:42
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Seeking suggestions
Some of you may remember that my son experienced some traumatic events in public school in K and then the begining of 1st grade. The largest being the principal not allowing me to take him out when he said he didn't feel well. She physically took him from me holding his arms, restraining him. He went to the floor sobbing and screaming and she hung a timer around his neck and told me it would go off in an hour and then he could talk to me. I was told that my son was manipulating me and he was lying, that she was the professional and I was the over protective mother. I was then escorted out of the school. He was sent back to his class with the timer around his neck for all his classmates to see. And yes, he was indeed sick and not lying, he had a double ear infection, tonsillitis and a sinus infection. Needless to say he never stepped foot in the school again. That was a year and a half ago and despite attempting to de-school my son he is still very angry and he continues to have trouble trusting people.
I'm still struggling with the guilt that I allowed them to escort me out of the school. That I didn't fight when I KNEW what she was doing was wrong. Some people have asked me why I didn't become physical with her. Why I didn't call the police. Why I didn't sue them. I KNOW I allowed a person who I thought was in authority to push me to do something I didn't want to do but hearing others who would have done differently only makes me feel worse. Bottom line, I don't blame my son for being angry, I know I'm still furious with the principal and if there were only one day that I could go back and change it would be that one. And believe me if you knew my past that's saying a lot.
I think I need closure somehow. Even writing this brings tears. And two nights ago at dinner, out of the blue my son started cussing out the 'old biddy @#%!* Mrs so and so at Memorial school' who hung the 'clock' around his neck :( I would love to have closure for me son. It also doesn't help that in June someone broke into our garage and stole his prize possession of a dirt bike. It's just heart breaking to see things like this happen to a young child. It seems as though I've watched huge chunks of innocence stripped from him.
I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.
Thanks,
Sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Paul & Camille
Its funny because I am usually very easily pushed around etc etc and I surprised myself when the acting Headmistress tried that with me. I was so angry after her trying to make me feel like an idiot, that I went home with my daughter, spoke to my husband and he rang the next morning and said that our daughter wasnt returning to school untill they sorted out the problems. Oh and then the dear lady (savage look here LOL) immediately changed her tune, it annoys me so much that often mothers are treated like insane, neurotic, braindead creatures who just happened to bring life into the world. Also that they are totally deluded about their children, and the teachers of course see right through them while the poor stupid Mum sees nothing. Yes I did say I was annoyed about it, and my daughter is now 20 and was in primary school at the time LOL, ah yes and I still remember the horrible womans name too. Dont beat yourself up, just take note to stick up for yourself and your child next time, you know your child better than anyone else, and no matter what dont let someone bully you because they're a teacher - thats my opinion anyway :) I learnt alot during my daughters school years - I wouldnt stick up for myself, but come near my child and the roaring Mama lion in me comes out ROAR LOL. We all learn and especially with first children you have no idea that some teachers and headmasters etc think they are better than others. Fortunately there are lovely teachers also, but dont be deluded that they all are nice and fair as theyre not.
Sorry for the rant :)
Blessings for all, Camille :D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sorry for the rant :)
Blessings for all, Camille :D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
***I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to
help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.***
Your son can't be done with it until you are.
If he brings it up again, tell him you should have stopped her and taken him home and that you won't let anyone do that to him again. (And, man, you better mean it.)
Tell him you're sorry. Tell him she was wrong but that she's no part of your life now and you can both forget about her. If he wants you to write her name on a piece of paper so he can throw it in the garbage then do that and tell him she's out of your lives forever. After that if he brings it up you can say, "Hey, we don't have to waste our time thinking about her, she's out of our lives." Help him move on. "Hey, we threw all that meanness in the garbage, remember?"
And *you* get past it. Write it all out in a notebook, write how you'd do it differently now, write what you'd like to have said to her and keep the notebook only as long as you feel the need to revisit this issue. Write in it every night if you have to but stop talking about her. Don't bring her up to your son or partner or family or friends. Don't ever mention her. Get her out of your system in that notebook, don't keep letting thoughts and talk of her into your happy , peaceful home.
This woman is out of your life. *You don't have to keep dragging her back in!* You're still giving her power over you even after you resolved to not let something like that happen again. So, stop it. <g>
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.***
Your son can't be done with it until you are.
If he brings it up again, tell him you should have stopped her and taken him home and that you won't let anyone do that to him again. (And, man, you better mean it.)
Tell him you're sorry. Tell him she was wrong but that she's no part of your life now and you can both forget about her. If he wants you to write her name on a piece of paper so he can throw it in the garbage then do that and tell him she's out of your lives forever. After that if he brings it up you can say, "Hey, we don't have to waste our time thinking about her, she's out of our lives." Help him move on. "Hey, we threw all that meanness in the garbage, remember?"
And *you* get past it. Write it all out in a notebook, write how you'd do it differently now, write what you'd like to have said to her and keep the notebook only as long as you feel the need to revisit this issue. Write in it every night if you have to but stop talking about her. Don't bring her up to your son or partner or family or friends. Don't ever mention her. Get her out of your system in that notebook, don't keep letting thoughts and talk of her into your happy , peaceful home.
This woman is out of your life. *You don't have to keep dragging her back in!* You're still giving her power over you even after you resolved to not let something like that happen again. So, stop it. <g>
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
carenkh
It takes time (for some of us) to learn to follow our guts, time to learn to stand in our own truth - especially if we had very controlling parents, or for some reason just less self-awareness. Sometimes, when it's hard to let something go, it's a sign that it's triggering those unresolved childhood feelings. It's an opportunity to go within, ask "What's really going on, here?" and be open to where that takes us.
It takes a delicate balance of being in today, taking responsibility for your happiness NOW, not blaming the past for staying stuck, and still opening yourself to look at those things. To ask, "What other times in my life did I feel powerless and angry? When in my past did authority keep me from doing what I knew was right in my gut?", let that little you tell you HER truth, and do the healing work to let it go.
It starts with compassion for who and where you were a year and a half ago. Someone years ago gave me a wonderful image: Right now, when you look within, you might not even see yourself, your truth. Trust that it's there. Keep looking. Every time you get a chance to ask, "Is this MY truth?" do so. If it's not, speak your truth, and hold firm. The more you do that, the more of YOU will be revealed, every time you look. Learn to trust yourself. It's been over 20 years since she said that to me, and I can say, it has borne out. It took practice, and time.
One wonderful way to make amends to your son is to not put him in a position like that again, and do what you can to support him following HIS heart and gut. So when he's an adult, he won't have a loss of self, he won't be put in the same position. Let him speak up. Listen to him. Support his choices wholeheartedly.
peace,
Caren
It takes a delicate balance of being in today, taking responsibility for your happiness NOW, not blaming the past for staying stuck, and still opening yourself to look at those things. To ask, "What other times in my life did I feel powerless and angry? When in my past did authority keep me from doing what I knew was right in my gut?", let that little you tell you HER truth, and do the healing work to let it go.
It starts with compassion for who and where you were a year and a half ago. Someone years ago gave me a wonderful image: Right now, when you look within, you might not even see yourself, your truth. Trust that it's there. Keep looking. Every time you get a chance to ask, "Is this MY truth?" do so. If it's not, speak your truth, and hold firm. The more you do that, the more of YOU will be revealed, every time you look. Learn to trust yourself. It's been over 20 years since she said that to me, and I can say, it has borne out. It took practice, and time.
One wonderful way to make amends to your son is to not put him in a position like that again, and do what you can to support him following HIS heart and gut. So when he's an adult, he won't have a loss of self, he won't be put in the same position. Let him speak up. Listen to him. Support his choices wholeheartedly.
peace,
Caren
amberlee_b
I wish I could help as well....I know what it feels like to be left in a room with a cruel instructor...In your case I think I would at least tell the school they had to pay the bill for the illness. That person should never be working with children! That is offensive and if it was outside of school wouldn't the person have been arrested? I know hindsight is 20/20 and calling the police on the principal can't be done now...but what if you had had a doctor's appointment at that time and she was refusing you to take the child? Talk about child abuse....
I think the advice so far is great. Apologizing is HUGE. I love the anger fantasies too. I had a situation where the teacher refused to let my son go to the bathroom and he peed himself and then she called me to bring him new clothes, but wanted him to come back with them (they were supposed to be performing someplace). I was furious and told she and the principal so. I think they were afraid of me, I am almost 6 ft tall...but I was so angry to think that this stupid woman would not believe my son really had to go to the bathroom. She even said something about how kids don't always need to go when they say they do. So I asked her point blank, "has my son EVER given you the idea that he would LIE to you" she was very shocked and admitted he wouldn't. If we hadn't been in the process of moving away I would have taken the case further. The principal apologized, the teacher is still there humiliating other kids. :( I apologized to my son and we have discussed it many times. His embarrassment, his anger, his wish to pee on the teacher instead of himself, etc. I think those things really do help.
It may take years to get over that one incident, and there may be others you are not aware of because you didn't witness them. Maybe he needs to talk about them but is afraid you will be angry with him or think he did something wrong or to deserve the behavior of the insane adult. I never told my parents all the things I went through in elementary school because I thought I MUST have done something wrong to get that behavior from a teacher. (hand whacked for poor handwriting, having to sit next to the teacher's desk so they could hit me if my writing wasn't good enough, then stuffed in a corner and told to wait for the class to catch up to me in reading/history/etc because I was "too far ahead", told I couldn't learn multiplication-even though I already was and loving it--until I got all my addition and subtraction of 9s right all the time....etc etc etc). Children fear making their parents angry or causing them to not be "proud", so we keep it inside and don't talk about it. He may need to talk and tell you of other things.
Ok, I am rambling now as I think about the past and it has me angry again. I am thankful I can give my kids something better now and that we can work together to help each other through these things. Thanks for sharing your post--I hope we have helped. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Amberlee
I think the advice so far is great. Apologizing is HUGE. I love the anger fantasies too. I had a situation where the teacher refused to let my son go to the bathroom and he peed himself and then she called me to bring him new clothes, but wanted him to come back with them (they were supposed to be performing someplace). I was furious and told she and the principal so. I think they were afraid of me, I am almost 6 ft tall...but I was so angry to think that this stupid woman would not believe my son really had to go to the bathroom. She even said something about how kids don't always need to go when they say they do. So I asked her point blank, "has my son EVER given you the idea that he would LIE to you" she was very shocked and admitted he wouldn't. If we hadn't been in the process of moving away I would have taken the case further. The principal apologized, the teacher is still there humiliating other kids. :( I apologized to my son and we have discussed it many times. His embarrassment, his anger, his wish to pee on the teacher instead of himself, etc. I think those things really do help.
It may take years to get over that one incident, and there may be others you are not aware of because you didn't witness them. Maybe he needs to talk about them but is afraid you will be angry with him or think he did something wrong or to deserve the behavior of the insane adult. I never told my parents all the things I went through in elementary school because I thought I MUST have done something wrong to get that behavior from a teacher. (hand whacked for poor handwriting, having to sit next to the teacher's desk so they could hit me if my writing wasn't good enough, then stuffed in a corner and told to wait for the class to catch up to me in reading/history/etc because I was "too far ahead", told I couldn't learn multiplication-even though I already was and loving it--until I got all my addition and subtraction of 9s right all the time....etc etc etc). Children fear making their parents angry or causing them to not be "proud", so we keep it inside and don't talk about it. He may need to talk and tell you of other things.
Ok, I am rambling now as I think about the past and it has me angry again. I am thankful I can give my kids something better now and that we can work together to help each other through these things. Thanks for sharing your post--I hope we have helped. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Amberlee
srmccann2003
First I want to thank all of you who took the time to write. Your insights and ideas are helpful, some painful and some humorous! Thank you.
I do want to say that I've told my son numerous times that I made the wrong decision. That I didn't follow my gut and I wished that I had done it very differently. I've told him how very sorry I am and I've affirmed how wrong it was for the principal to do that and how scary and awful it must have been for him. I can tell you that for several months after the event he did not trust me and in his way told me that I had, in his mind, abandoned him. He spent up until very recently not wanting me to leave him anywhere. Only trusting his father and I to be with him. That's changing though so I think we are taking steps toward healing.
Btw, A week after the incident I requested a meeting with the principal, the school superintendent, the special Ed director (my son has apraxia so was receiving services), his 1st grade teacher and the guidance counselor. I was told in no uncertain terms that she was within her rights because she believed that he was lying. She actually told me that she had to do that WEEKLY and that she had done it to another of my son's classmates right before our altercation! She did not understand why I was so upset by it. She was sorry that he was ill but she said children don't want to go to school so she has to force them. I told her that after working in a different school system for 7 years that I had NEVER seen anything like that and that there was a serious problem if the kids didn't want to go to HER school. I was told again that I'm not a professional that she has over 35 years experience and the way I was allowing my son to rule the house would harm him in the long run.
Sorry to rant. Authority is an issue for me. I have learned a lot from what happened and hopefully with some of the ideas given I'll be able to let go of the anger and unproductive guilt so that both my son and I can move forward.
Thanks again,
Sarah
I do want to say that I've told my son numerous times that I made the wrong decision. That I didn't follow my gut and I wished that I had done it very differently. I've told him how very sorry I am and I've affirmed how wrong it was for the principal to do that and how scary and awful it must have been for him. I can tell you that for several months after the event he did not trust me and in his way told me that I had, in his mind, abandoned him. He spent up until very recently not wanting me to leave him anywhere. Only trusting his father and I to be with him. That's changing though so I think we are taking steps toward healing.
Btw, A week after the incident I requested a meeting with the principal, the school superintendent, the special Ed director (my son has apraxia so was receiving services), his 1st grade teacher and the guidance counselor. I was told in no uncertain terms that she was within her rights because she believed that he was lying. She actually told me that she had to do that WEEKLY and that she had done it to another of my son's classmates right before our altercation! She did not understand why I was so upset by it. She was sorry that he was ill but she said children don't want to go to school so she has to force them. I told her that after working in a different school system for 7 years that I had NEVER seen anything like that and that there was a serious problem if the kids didn't want to go to HER school. I was told again that I'm not a professional that she has over 35 years experience and the way I was allowing my son to rule the house would harm him in the long run.
Sorry to rant. Authority is an issue for me. I have learned a lot from what happened and hopefully with some of the ideas given I'll be able to let go of the anger and unproductive guilt so that both my son and I can move forward.
Thanks again,
Sarah
Paul & Camille
I am so sorry for you all Sarah. I think that is totally disgusting and I am certain that wouldnt be the case. They are covering their butts and I cannot believe (and yet I can) how you and your son have been treated - and not surprised at the 'holy than thou' treatment, and we let these people bring up our children!!!! Of course there are good ones also.
I would let it all go. Your trust and the rebuilding with your son is what matters and that needs to be the focus, not rehashing all this terrible stuff. Now perhaps that you have been able to vent, you can get past it.
Blessings to you all, Camille :)
First I want to thank all of you who took the time to write. Your insights and ideas are helpful, some painful and some humorous! Thank you.
I do want to say that I've told my son numerous times that I made the wrong decision. That I didn't follow my gut and I wished that I had done it very differently. I've told him how very sorry I am and I've affirmed how wrong it was for the principal to do that and how scary and awful it must have been for him. I can tell you that for several months after the event he did not trust me and in his way told me that I had, in his mind, abandoned him. He spent up until very recently not wanting me to leave him anywhere. Only trusting his father and I to be with him. That's changing though so I think we are taking steps toward healing.
Btw, A week after the incident I requested a meeting with the principal, the school superintendent, the special Ed director (my son has apraxia so was receiving services), his 1st grade teacher and the guidance counselor. I was told in no uncertain terms that she was within her rights because she believed that he was lying. She actually told me that she had to do that WEEKLY and that she had done it to another of my son's classmates right before our altercation! She did not understand why I was so upset by it. She was sorry that he was ill but she said children don't want to go to school so she has to force them. I told her that after working in a different school system for 7 years that I had NEVER seen anything like that and that there was a serious problem if the kids didn't want to go to HER school. I was told again that I'm not a professional that she has over 35 years experience and the way I was allowing my son to rule the house would harm him in the long run.
Sorry to rant. Authority is an issue for me. I have learned a lot from what happened and hopefully with some of the ideas given I'll be able to let go of the anger and unproductive guilt so that both my son and I can move forward.
Thanks again,
Sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I would let it all go. Your trust and the rebuilding with your son is what matters and that needs to be the focus, not rehashing all this terrible stuff. Now perhaps that you have been able to vent, you can get past it.
Blessings to you all, Camille :)
First I want to thank all of you who took the time to write. Your insights and ideas are helpful, some painful and some humorous! Thank you.
I do want to say that I've told my son numerous times that I made the wrong decision. That I didn't follow my gut and I wished that I had done it very differently. I've told him how very sorry I am and I've affirmed how wrong it was for the principal to do that and how scary and awful it must have been for him. I can tell you that for several months after the event he did not trust me and in his way told me that I had, in his mind, abandoned him. He spent up until very recently not wanting me to leave him anywhere. Only trusting his father and I to be with him. That's changing though so I think we are taking steps toward healing.
Btw, A week after the incident I requested a meeting with the principal, the school superintendent, the special Ed director (my son has apraxia so was receiving services), his 1st grade teacher and the guidance counselor. I was told in no uncertain terms that she was within her rights because she believed that he was lying. She actually told me that she had to do that WEEKLY and that she had done it to another of my son's classmates right before our altercation! She did not understand why I was so upset by it. She was sorry that he was ill but she said children don't want to go to school so she has to force them. I told her that after working in a different school system for 7 years that I had NEVER seen anything like that and that there was a serious problem if the kids didn't want to go to HER school. I was told again that I'm not a professional that she has over 35 years experience and the way I was allowing my son to rule the house would harm him in the long run.
Sorry to rant. Authority is an issue for me. I have learned a lot from what happened and hopefully with some of the ideas given I'll be able to let go of the anger and unproductive guilt so that both my son and I can move forward.
Thanks again,
Sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
missalexmissalex
Sarah,
I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. I worked in 5 (vastly!)different schools once upon a time and I have never heard of such a thing.
Have you read Loving What Is by Byron Katie? I really recommend it for this sort of thing. Among many, many other things she says: How do we know things were meant to happen? Because they did. From my very detached viewpoint, this lady gave you the gift of unschooling.
Everyone does things as parents--or adults, in the heat of the moment!--that they regret. Your interaction with her led you to do so many wonderful things for your child that you would not have had the opportunity to do if he were still in school. Please, check out her book, or at least her website thework.com .
I wish I could be more helpful re: how to help your son, but I agree that if you find peace with this, that will help him a lot.
Best wishes,
Alex
mama to Katya, 26 mos
I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. I worked in 5 (vastly!)different schools once upon a time and I have never heard of such a thing.
Have you read Loving What Is by Byron Katie? I really recommend it for this sort of thing. Among many, many other things she says: How do we know things were meant to happen? Because they did. From my very detached viewpoint, this lady gave you the gift of unschooling.
Everyone does things as parents--or adults, in the heat of the moment!--that they regret. Your interaction with her led you to do so many wonderful things for your child that you would not have had the opportunity to do if he were still in school. Please, check out her book, or at least her website thework.com .
I wish I could be more helpful re: how to help your son, but I agree that if you find peace with this, that will help him a lot.
Best wishes,
Alex
mama to Katya, 26 mos
> I'm looking for ideas on how to help my son and myself deal with the anger, to help me forgive myself and for ideas of how to lay this to rest and move on.
>
> Thanks,
> Sarah
>
akgths
I agree with many of the responses, but I think you need to be sure that as you help him move past this that you aren't inadvertently having him burry his fealings instead of working through them.
I completely agree that you need to sit down with him some time when you have pleanty of quiet time and attention to pay to just this conversation, and go over everything that happened, what you did, how you felt, what you wish you could change, etc, and hopefully he'll open up about his feelings as well.
Also, trust is a "Core" issue in the whole learning process (Something from "A Thomas Jefferson Education"). Don't force him to trust others, rather do all you can to be SURE he knows he can trust you. The analogy is that if his core (learning trust, love, protection, etc) isn't solidly developed, all learning afterward will be built on a misshapen core and thus not develop propperly untill he can go back and re-learn those core values...and that is VERY hard. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to explain why this may be a very real problem for him and one that may not go away quickly if it has shaken him that deeply. We all make mistakes and have to take back promises, etc at times, but the biggest thing we can do for our kids (aside from avoiding them in the first place) is to own up completely for our own shortcomings. They learn that we love them, that we are still honest, that we don't break promises without a REALLY good reason, and that we feel badly for what we've done...and this in turn helps them to become trustworthy people who can also accept that they too will have faults and make mistakes.
I hope that made sense. I'm so sorry this happened and hope that you can all recover stronger and closer than before.
I completely agree that you need to sit down with him some time when you have pleanty of quiet time and attention to pay to just this conversation, and go over everything that happened, what you did, how you felt, what you wish you could change, etc, and hopefully he'll open up about his feelings as well.
Also, trust is a "Core" issue in the whole learning process (Something from "A Thomas Jefferson Education"). Don't force him to trust others, rather do all you can to be SURE he knows he can trust you. The analogy is that if his core (learning trust, love, protection, etc) isn't solidly developed, all learning afterward will be built on a misshapen core and thus not develop propperly untill he can go back and re-learn those core values...and that is VERY hard. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to explain why this may be a very real problem for him and one that may not go away quickly if it has shaken him that deeply. We all make mistakes and have to take back promises, etc at times, but the biggest thing we can do for our kids (aside from avoiding them in the first place) is to own up completely for our own shortcomings. They learn that we love them, that we are still honest, that we don't break promises without a REALLY good reason, and that we feel badly for what we've done...and this in turn helps them to become trustworthy people who can also accept that they too will have faults and make mistakes.
I hope that made sense. I'm so sorry this happened and hope that you can all recover stronger and closer than before.