Insights asked (strong will 4,5 year old) (LONG!!!!)
tracyquasters
Hi Eveyone,
I just joined this group and I am scanning through all the messages. But I have a 'problem' lately where I cannot find the anwser or insights to.
Oh, and I haven't introduced myself yet: my name is Tracy (29), I live in Holland and I have a 4,5 year old boy. And I am 25 weeks pregnant.
I am looking for some insights in some trouble we are experiencing with our son. My husband and I strongly feel about unschooling and kinda rolled into it doing AP when my son was born. A lot of things feel natural for us, except the food issue. My son has a lot of freedom of what, where and when he eats. But we have a hard time letting the candy-thing go. But I guess that is something we will grow into.
My question is that lately we have the feeling our son is very much forcing us this to do we don't want to. What we do is tell him we don't want to do that right now and we aknowlegde his feelings. But I have the feeling we are going in a negative spiral and we don't know how to turn this around. I guess his strong will is appropriate for his age and I would love to handle it with love. Maybe it are my hormones or something but I feel like he is pushing it and I hate to look at my son like that.
We do a lot of stuff with him, almost all the time. But I sometimes feel like reading something and I think that should be possible. Or am I expecting to much from him?
This afternoon we had a climax (I hope!). And I didn't handle the situation well. Afterwards I was so upset for not having more patience and love available. We where at an indoor playground and lately I have a hard time climbing things with him. I used to go everywhere with him, but now I feel my belly is hardening up when I do that. So the last couple of visits I didn't go climb with him, but I was sure we had contact. But this afternoon he was upstairs and didn't want to come down. He told me he was scared... So I went up, got him off wherever he was on and told him to come down with me so we could talk. I really expected he would do that. I thought we could cuddle and I could explain that if he wanted to go higher he should come with his dad. But he didn't follow me, and next thing I know he is asking another woman to help him go up on the scarry part. But the womand was with here own child. So I said to him not to go up because he would have trouble comming down. And that last part was too much for me to climb. Well he started yelling. Right in that moment I had the feeling he was forcing me and I had enough of it.... pffff... Eventualy he came down and I was so angry with him. So we went home... On the way home I yelled some stuff I really regret right now, but truth is: I did say them.
My problem seems to be that I lately feel pushed in a corner and I don't know how to handle it. It feels as if everything is revolving my son.
When we came home my son fell asleep and I got to have a great talk with my husband. Oh, I cried my eyes out... I was/am so sad...
During that talk I realised I projected some thoughts and feeling of my own on his behaviour (as being forcing) and knowing my son I feel that was not something he would do. Okay he has a strong will, but I so feel (right now)like what happend in the playground was not forcing. I feel like there was something different going on and I just didn't pick it up. He is so sweet and senstive and it is so unlike him to do something like that to force me.
Okay, long story, but in a nutshell, I feel his strong will is overwelming lately and I am therefor not seeing some things in perspective. Do you have any tips or insights for me.
I hope this makes any sense, it is hard for me to express my feelings in a foreign language...
Thank you, tracy
I just joined this group and I am scanning through all the messages. But I have a 'problem' lately where I cannot find the anwser or insights to.
Oh, and I haven't introduced myself yet: my name is Tracy (29), I live in Holland and I have a 4,5 year old boy. And I am 25 weeks pregnant.
I am looking for some insights in some trouble we are experiencing with our son. My husband and I strongly feel about unschooling and kinda rolled into it doing AP when my son was born. A lot of things feel natural for us, except the food issue. My son has a lot of freedom of what, where and when he eats. But we have a hard time letting the candy-thing go. But I guess that is something we will grow into.
My question is that lately we have the feeling our son is very much forcing us this to do we don't want to. What we do is tell him we don't want to do that right now and we aknowlegde his feelings. But I have the feeling we are going in a negative spiral and we don't know how to turn this around. I guess his strong will is appropriate for his age and I would love to handle it with love. Maybe it are my hormones or something but I feel like he is pushing it and I hate to look at my son like that.
We do a lot of stuff with him, almost all the time. But I sometimes feel like reading something and I think that should be possible. Or am I expecting to much from him?
This afternoon we had a climax (I hope!). And I didn't handle the situation well. Afterwards I was so upset for not having more patience and love available. We where at an indoor playground and lately I have a hard time climbing things with him. I used to go everywhere with him, but now I feel my belly is hardening up when I do that. So the last couple of visits I didn't go climb with him, but I was sure we had contact. But this afternoon he was upstairs and didn't want to come down. He told me he was scared... So I went up, got him off wherever he was on and told him to come down with me so we could talk. I really expected he would do that. I thought we could cuddle and I could explain that if he wanted to go higher he should come with his dad. But he didn't follow me, and next thing I know he is asking another woman to help him go up on the scarry part. But the womand was with here own child. So I said to him not to go up because he would have trouble comming down. And that last part was too much for me to climb. Well he started yelling. Right in that moment I had the feeling he was forcing me and I had enough of it.... pffff... Eventualy he came down and I was so angry with him. So we went home... On the way home I yelled some stuff I really regret right now, but truth is: I did say them.
My problem seems to be that I lately feel pushed in a corner and I don't know how to handle it. It feels as if everything is revolving my son.
When we came home my son fell asleep and I got to have a great talk with my husband. Oh, I cried my eyes out... I was/am so sad...
During that talk I realised I projected some thoughts and feeling of my own on his behaviour (as being forcing) and knowing my son I feel that was not something he would do. Okay he has a strong will, but I so feel (right now)like what happend in the playground was not forcing. I feel like there was something different going on and I just didn't pick it up. He is so sweet and senstive and it is so unlike him to do something like that to force me.
Okay, long story, but in a nutshell, I feel his strong will is overwelming lately and I am therefor not seeing some things in perspective. Do you have any tips or insights for me.
I hope this makes any sense, it is hard for me to express my feelings in a foreign language...
Thank you, tracy
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "tracyquasters" <tracyquasters@...> wrote:
Back up a step and try to see his perspective. To him *You're* forcing Him to do things he doesn't want to do. Look for ways to soften that "no". Try to find a "yes" to offer him. To do that, you'll likely have to look beyond what he's asking for in the exact moment to an underlying need.
Okay, so you made a miscalculation. That's a bummer, but its also a chance to learn something. He needs to climb, and you can't. So hunt like crazy for places where he can climb but you don't have to. That particular playground isn't a good option for the two of you (three of you!) right now. Set yourself up for success.
He's resourceful! That's great! Take a moment to reframe the whole scene in your mind - what a clever way to solve his problem. And he asked a mom, too, which may not have been convenient for her, but it was a safe choice in terms of who he could reasonably talk to.
Beyond that, asking a child that young to stop in the middle of something and talk isn't a great strategy. Maybe its worked before, but I wouldn't expect it too keep working. He's smart enough to hear the "no" coming. He didn't want "no, I'm sorry" he wanted to find a solution.
What else could you have done? You could have talked with him about being scared without asking him to come down. Ask him some questions about that - he's scared to go higher? Scared to go higher by himself? Acknowledge his feelings First, before you start looking for solutions. And then look for a solution together. If you'd talked for a moment, and together come up with the idea of asking someone else to climb with him, then maybe You could have asked another mom - found one who didn't have such an agile climber and offered to swap for ten minutes.
He's still little. He needs a lot of attention. Some kids need more attention than others and that can be challenging. They don't get less needy if you make them wait, though, they get More needy. So for now you respond and respond and respond. You find people who can do things with him to give you a break now and then. When Ray was little, I learned to take really really short breaks - like ten seconds! He'd run to go pee and I'd take a big, deep breath and let it out gratefully...aaahhhhh.... and then he'd be back needing my every moment. Whew. It helped when I stopped expecting to get more than ten seconds at a time. Then I could really relax for those moments.
Does he like to Talk all the time or is he on the go and needs your eyes more than your ears? If he's not a talker, look into audio books!
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>> My question is that lately we have the feeling our son is very much forcing us this to do we don't want to. What we do is tell him we don't want to do that right now and we aknowlegde his feelings.*********************
Back up a step and try to see his perspective. To him *You're* forcing Him to do things he doesn't want to do. Look for ways to soften that "no". Try to find a "yes" to offer him. To do that, you'll likely have to look beyond what he's asking for in the exact moment to an underlying need.
>>We where at an indoor playground and lately I have a hard time climbing things with him. I used to go everywhere with him, but now I feel my belly is hardening up when I do that. So the last couple of visits I didn't go climb with him, but I was sure we had contact.**********************
Okay, so you made a miscalculation. That's a bummer, but its also a chance to learn something. He needs to climb, and you can't. So hunt like crazy for places where he can climb but you don't have to. That particular playground isn't a good option for the two of you (three of you!) right now. Set yourself up for success.
>>But this afternoon he was upstairs and didn't want to come down. He told me he was scared... So I went up, got him off wherever he was on and told him to come down with me so we could talk. I really expected he would do that. I thought we could cuddle and I could explain that if he wanted to go higher he should come with his dad. But he didn't follow me, and next thing I know he is asking another woman to help him go up on the scarry part.***************************
He's resourceful! That's great! Take a moment to reframe the whole scene in your mind - what a clever way to solve his problem. And he asked a mom, too, which may not have been convenient for her, but it was a safe choice in terms of who he could reasonably talk to.
Beyond that, asking a child that young to stop in the middle of something and talk isn't a great strategy. Maybe its worked before, but I wouldn't expect it too keep working. He's smart enough to hear the "no" coming. He didn't want "no, I'm sorry" he wanted to find a solution.
What else could you have done? You could have talked with him about being scared without asking him to come down. Ask him some questions about that - he's scared to go higher? Scared to go higher by himself? Acknowledge his feelings First, before you start looking for solutions. And then look for a solution together. If you'd talked for a moment, and together come up with the idea of asking someone else to climb with him, then maybe You could have asked another mom - found one who didn't have such an agile climber and offered to swap for ten minutes.
> We do a lot of stuff with him, almost all the time. But I sometimes feel like reading something and I think that should be possible.********************
He's still little. He needs a lot of attention. Some kids need more attention than others and that can be challenging. They don't get less needy if you make them wait, though, they get More needy. So for now you respond and respond and respond. You find people who can do things with him to give you a break now and then. When Ray was little, I learned to take really really short breaks - like ten seconds! He'd run to go pee and I'd take a big, deep breath and let it out gratefully...aaahhhhh.... and then he'd be back needing my every moment. Whew. It helped when I stopped expecting to get more than ten seconds at a time. Then I could really relax for those moments.
Does he like to Talk all the time or is he on the go and needs your eyes more than your ears? If he's not a talker, look into audio books!
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
Tracy Quasters
Hey Meredith,
Thank you so much for your insights!!!! They make me really happy!
We have been going really well with the flow lately, and yesterday I just
exploded... I don't know why but I don't want this to happen anymore.
Nigel, my son, is a real talker. But I do see what you mean when you say
***He's still little. He needs a lot of attention. Some kids need more
attention than others and that can be challenging. They don't get less needy
if you make them wait, though, they get More needy. So for now you respond
and respond and respond.***
You know, we have a lot of really fun and good days, when everything go's
with the flow and it is easy and so much fun. And I should hold on to those
days!!!
Thank you so much for your support, I really needed that!
Tracy (Nigel 4,5 & pregnant)
2009/7/22 Meredith <meredith@...>
Thank you so much for your insights!!!! They make me really happy!
We have been going really well with the flow lately, and yesterday I just
exploded... I don't know why but I don't want this to happen anymore.
Nigel, my son, is a real talker. But I do see what you mean when you say
***He's still little. He needs a lot of attention. Some kids need more
attention than others and that can be challenging. They don't get less needy
if you make them wait, though, they get More needy. So for now you respond
and respond and respond.***
You know, we have a lot of really fun and good days, when everything go's
with the flow and it is easy and so much fun. And I should hold on to those
days!!!
Thank you so much for your support, I really needed that!
Tracy (Nigel 4,5 & pregnant)
2009/7/22 Meredith <meredith@...>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> --- In [email protected]<unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>,
> "tracyquasters" <tracyquasters@...> wrote:
> >> My question is that lately we have the feeling our son is very much
> forcing us this to do we don't want to. What we do is tell him we don't want
> to do that right now and we aknowlegde his feelings.
> *********************
>
> Back up a step and try to see his perspective. To him *You're* forcing Him
> to do things he doesn't want to do. Look for ways to soften that "no". Try
> to find a "yes" to offer him. To do that, you'll likely have to look beyond
> what he's asking for in the exact moment to an underlying need.
>
> >>We where at an indoor playground and lately I have a hard time climbing
> things with him. I used to go everywhere with him, but now I feel my belly
> is hardening up when I do that. So the last couple of visits I didn't go
> climb with him, but I was sure we had contact.
> **********************
>
> Okay, so you made a miscalculation. That's a bummer, but its also a chance
> to learn something. He needs to climb, and you can't. So hunt like crazy for
> places where he can climb but you don't have to. That particular playground
> isn't a good option for the two of you (three of you!) right now. Set
> yourself up for success.
>
> >>But this afternoon he was upstairs and didn't want to come down. He told
> me he was scared... So I went up, got him off wherever he was on and told
> him to come down with me so we could talk. I really expected he would do
> that. I thought we could cuddle and I could explain that if he wanted to go
> higher he should come with his dad. But he didn't follow me, and next thing
> I know he is asking another woman to help him go up on the scarry part.
> ***************************
>
> He's resourceful! That's great! Take a moment to reframe the whole scene in
> your mind - what a clever way to solve his problem. And he asked a mom, too,
> which may not have been convenient for her, but it was a safe choice in
> terms of who he could reasonably talk to.
>
> Beyond that, asking a child that young to stop in the middle of something
> and talk isn't a great strategy. Maybe its worked before, but I wouldn't
> expect it too keep working. He's smart enough to hear the "no" coming. He
> didn't want "no, I'm sorry" he wanted to find a solution.
>
> What else could you have done? You could have talked with him about being
> scared without asking him to come down. Ask him some questions about that -
> he's scared to go higher? Scared to go higher by himself? Acknowledge his
> feelings First, before you start looking for solutions. And then look for a
> solution together. If you'd talked for a moment, and together come up with
> the idea of asking someone else to climb with him, then maybe You could have
> asked another mom - found one who didn't have such an agile climber and
> offered to swap for ten minutes.
>
> > We do a lot of stuff with him, almost all the time. But I sometimes feel
> like reading something and I think that should be possible.
> ********************
>
> He's still little. He needs a lot of attention. Some kids need more
> attention than others and that can be challenging. They don't get less needy
> if you make them wait, though, they get More needy. So for now you respond
> and respond and respond. You find people who can do things with him to give
> you a break now and then. When Ray was little, I learned to take really
> really short breaks - like ten seconds! He'd run to go pee and I'd take a
> big, deep breath and let it out gratefully...aaahhhhh.... and then he'd be
> back needing my every moment. Whew. It helped when I stopped expecting to
> get more than ten seconds at a time. Then I could really relax for those
> moments.
>
> Does he like to Talk all the time or is he on the go and needs your eyes
> more than your ears? If he's not a talker, look into audio books!
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>
>
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jul 21, 2009, at 12:05 PM, tracyquasters wrote:
all they give to their children and all the sacrifices they make
rather than looking at the world through their children's eyes and
their children's needs.
To your son, you are the doorway to everything he wants. For the most
part, he must go through you to get anything. Imagine what it would
be like if you had to ask your husband for everything, even a glass
of water, and you had to wait for him to decide if it wasn't too
inconvenient for him? Most adults would go crazy if they had to live
like that!
I suspect there are a lot of things you do for him during the day
that aren't by his request, but you may have lumped them together
with his requests so it's feeling like there's more than there really
is. It will help if you see the things you do for him as choices.
These are gifts you want to give to your family: healthful food,
clean home, clean clothes, outings, reading to him. Many of those
things may be things he enjoys, but they aren't things he's asked for.
What if your husband brought home flowers once a week for you. And
you liked flowers and thought they looked nice, but you didn't really
love them. It would be sweet of him to bring them home, but it would
really be more something that made him happy in the giving rather
than something thoughtful for you.
What if you really loved chocolate and he passed by a store everyday
on the way home from work and you occasionally asked him to pick up a
piece for you and sometimes he would and sometimes he'd grumble and
let you know it was a bit of a pain. How would you feel?
substitute until you can get the thing he's asking for, but see
yourself as the only way he can get his needs met. Let him know his
needs are important and you'll work to find a way to meet them. Try
not to say "but"! Don't say "Yes, I'd like to get that, but it's
late." State them positively. "Yes, I can get that for you tomorrow
when we go to the store. Let's write that down so I don't forget.
Let's see if there's a substitute for now," or "Yes, let me have a
break for 15 minutes because my back is hurting. I'll set a timer. If
you could get the game out and start setting it up, we can play as
soon as the timer goes off."
If you wanted to go to a movie and your husband needed to drive you,
and he said "Later." How would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know
when? And if he said "Thursday," wouldn't you feel kind of brushed
off as though you were being a pain? What if he faced you and said
"I'd love to go to a movie with you. I'm kind of busy until Thursday.
How about then? And we can make it a date with dinner." Wouldn't that
feel like he cared about you and treated your needs seriously?
don't take from others. When he needs you, he needs you. He's 4.5.
That's still very young.
Right now you may need to let go of the expectation of scheduling him
around your needs. Seize the opportunities when he's engaged in
something. But don't expect not to be interrupted! Expect the respite
to last 5 seconds so when it goes to 10 you've got a bonus! :-)
The more you can fill him up now, the less he'll resent it when the
baby comes and demands your time. You may want to work on finding
ways to engage him in the process. See you and him as a team. Work
together.
If you need to sit down for a few minutes, rather than seeing him as
an obstacle, see him as part of the solution. Say, "Hey, I need to
sit down for a bit. What can we do that involves sitting?"
So when the baby comes along and is crying you can say "Hey, you
think that's a hungry cry or a dirty diaper cry? Let's check it out."
And if it's hungry you can have brainstormed ideas to do together
while you feed him so that it's a partnership rather than the baby
pulling you away from him.
foods (including candy and other sweet stuff)?
http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatters
That link goes to lots of pictures. Click on the link for a discussion.
Kids often will eat a lot of candy if it has been forbidden. They're
trying to fill up on something that had been scarce before the
controls return. (Adults do that too during crises!) They can also
drift toward candy because it's quick and easy. It's fast fuel for
them. Taking time out from play to eat is a pain! ;-) They can also
tend toward high calorie foods (sugary and fatty) when they're
gearing up for a growth spurt.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> We do a lot of stuff with him, almost all the time.I think parents can get themselves into a mental trap if they look at
all they give to their children and all the sacrifices they make
rather than looking at the world through their children's eyes and
their children's needs.
To your son, you are the doorway to everything he wants. For the most
part, he must go through you to get anything. Imagine what it would
be like if you had to ask your husband for everything, even a glass
of water, and you had to wait for him to decide if it wasn't too
inconvenient for him? Most adults would go crazy if they had to live
like that!
I suspect there are a lot of things you do for him during the day
that aren't by his request, but you may have lumped them together
with his requests so it's feeling like there's more than there really
is. It will help if you see the things you do for him as choices.
These are gifts you want to give to your family: healthful food,
clean home, clean clothes, outings, reading to him. Many of those
things may be things he enjoys, but they aren't things he's asked for.
What if your husband brought home flowers once a week for you. And
you liked flowers and thought they looked nice, but you didn't really
love them. It would be sweet of him to bring them home, but it would
really be more something that made him happy in the giving rather
than something thoughtful for you.
What if you really loved chocolate and he passed by a store everyday
on the way home from work and you occasionally asked him to pick up a
piece for you and sometimes he would and sometimes he'd grumble and
let you know it was a bit of a pain. How would you feel?
> What we do is tell him we don't want to do that right now and weFind a way to say yes. It may not be an immediate yes. It may be a
> aknowlegde his feelings.
>
substitute until you can get the thing he's asking for, but see
yourself as the only way he can get his needs met. Let him know his
needs are important and you'll work to find a way to meet them. Try
not to say "but"! Don't say "Yes, I'd like to get that, but it's
late." State them positively. "Yes, I can get that for you tomorrow
when we go to the store. Let's write that down so I don't forget.
Let's see if there's a substitute for now," or "Yes, let me have a
break for 15 minutes because my back is hurting. I'll set a timer. If
you could get the game out and start setting it up, we can play as
soon as the timer goes off."
If you wanted to go to a movie and your husband needed to drive you,
and he said "Later." How would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know
when? And if he said "Thursday," wouldn't you feel kind of brushed
off as though you were being a pain? What if he faced you and said
"I'd love to go to a movie with you. I'm kind of busy until Thursday.
How about then? And we can make it a date with dinner." Wouldn't that
feel like he cared about you and treated your needs seriously?
> But I sometimes feel like reading something and I think that shouldIt helps relationships if we can find ways to meet our needs that
> be possible.
>
don't take from others. When he needs you, he needs you. He's 4.5.
That's still very young.
Right now you may need to let go of the expectation of scheduling him
around your needs. Seize the opportunities when he's engaged in
something. But don't expect not to be interrupted! Expect the respite
to last 5 seconds so when it goes to 10 you've got a bonus! :-)
The more you can fill him up now, the less he'll resent it when the
baby comes and demands your time. You may want to work on finding
ways to engage him in the process. See you and him as a team. Work
together.
If you need to sit down for a few minutes, rather than seeing him as
an obstacle, see him as part of the solution. Say, "Hey, I need to
sit down for a bit. What can we do that involves sitting?"
So when the baby comes along and is crying you can say "Hey, you
think that's a hungry cry or a dirty diaper cry? Let's check it out."
And if it's hungry you can have brainstormed ideas to do together
while you feed him so that it's a partnership rather than the baby
pulling you away from him.
> A lot of things feel natural for us, except the food issue. My sonDo you have monkey platters for him that include a wide variety of
> has a lot of freedom of what, where and when he eats. But we have a
> hard time letting the candy-thing go.
>
foods (including candy and other sweet stuff)?
http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatters
That link goes to lots of pictures. Click on the link for a discussion.
Kids often will eat a lot of candy if it has been forbidden. They're
trying to fill up on something that had been scarce before the
controls return. (Adults do that too during crises!) They can also
drift toward candy because it's quick and easy. It's fast fuel for
them. Taking time out from play to eat is a pain! ;-) They can also
tend toward high calorie foods (sugary and fatty) when they're
gearing up for a growth spurt.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
At 25 weeks pregnant, I remember having a hard time getting off the couch! Let alone going to some indoor playground.
Don't go.
Do something that you can do.
It's not a matter of who wins or gets their way or has a strong will or not. It's not a competition.
If you are in a condition that doesn't allow you to climb (or tolerate the noise or the crowd, etc.) or whatever is required to do an activity, don't go.
Find other things that the 4-yo will like -- more gentle things -- and do those for a while.
And don't be too hard on yourself, either. As much as you can't climb, your emotions may be on edge a bit now too.
And if your 4-yo needs some reassurance that he is not being pushed out of the nest, give it to him. In heaping helpings! :)
Nance
Don't go.
Do something that you can do.
It's not a matter of who wins or gets their way or has a strong will or not. It's not a competition.
If you are in a condition that doesn't allow you to climb (or tolerate the noise or the crowd, etc.) or whatever is required to do an activity, don't go.
Find other things that the 4-yo will like -- more gentle things -- and do those for a while.
And don't be too hard on yourself, either. As much as you can't climb, your emotions may be on edge a bit now too.
And if your 4-yo needs some reassurance that he is not being pushed out of the nest, give it to him. In heaping helpings! :)
Nance
--- In [email protected], "tracyquasters" <tracyquasters@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Eveyone,
>
> I just joined this group and I am scanning through all the messages. But I have a 'problem' lately where I cannot find the anwser or insights to.
> Oh, and I haven't introduced myself yet: my name is Tracy (29), I live in Holland and I have a 4,5 year old boy. And I am 25 weeks pregnant.
tracyquasters
Hi Nance
Just the other week I orderd the book by Dayna Martin. I just love it. I feel so strongly about it...
>** Yes, I guess you are right...
> At 25 weeks pregnant, I remember having a hard time getting off the couch! Let alone going to some indoor playground.
>*** Well there comes a little history around the corner. I was brought up in a total different way and I guess I sometimes miss having others around me who feel the way we do. Sometimes there is this little nagging voice inside my head, asking if it is right what we are doing.
> Don't go.
>
> Do something that you can do.
>
> It's not a matter of who wins or gets their way or has a strong will or not. It's not a competition.
Just the other week I orderd the book by Dayna Martin. I just love it. I feel so strongly about it...
>Thank you sooo much! Tracy
> If you are in a condition that doesn't allow you to climb (or tolerate the noise or the crowd, etc.) or whatever is required to do an activity, don't go.
>
> Find other things that the 4-yo will like -- more gentle things -- and do those for a while.
>
> And don't be too hard on yourself, either. As much as you can't climb, your emotions may be on edge a bit now too.
>
> And if your 4-yo needs some reassurance that he is not being pushed out of the nest, give it to him. In heaping helpings! :)
>
> Nance
>
>
> --- In [email protected], "tracyquasters" <tracyquasters@> wrote:
> >
> > Hi Eveyone,
> >
> > I just joined this group and I am scanning through all the messages. But I have a 'problem' lately where I cannot find the anwser or insights to.
> > Oh, and I haven't introduced myself yet: my name is Tracy (29), I live in Holland and I have a 4,5 year old boy. And I am 25 weeks pregnant.
>
tracyquasters
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
Thanks, Tracy
>*** That is very helpfull... Hmmm... I am printing this one out...
>
> On Jul 21, 2009, at 12:05 PM, tracyquasters wrote:
>
> > We do a lot of stuff with him, almost all the time.
>
> I think parents can get themselves into a mental trap if they look at
> all they give to their children and all the sacrifices they make
> rather than looking at the world through their children's eyes and
> their children's needs.
>
> To your son, you are the doorway to everything he wants. For the most
> part, he must go through you to get anything. Imagine what it would
> be like if you had to ask your husband for everything, even a glass
> of water, and you had to wait for him to decide if it wasn't too
> inconvenient for him? Most adults would go crazy if they had to live
> like that!
>
> I suspect there are a lot of things you do for him during the day
> that aren't by his request, but you may have lumped them together
> with his requests so it's feeling like there's more than there really
> is. It will help if you see the things you do for him as choices.
> These are gifts you want to give to your family: healthful food,
> clean home, clean clothes, outings, reading to him. Many of those
> things may be things he enjoys, but they aren't things he's asked for.
>
> What if your husband brought home flowers once a week for you. And
> you liked flowers and thought they looked nice, but you didn't really
> love them. It would be sweet of him to bring them home, but it would
> really be more something that made him happy in the giving rather
> than something thoughtful for you.
>
> What if you really loved chocolate and he passed by a store everyday
> on the way home from work and you occasionally asked him to pick up a
> piece for you and sometimes he would and sometimes he'd grumble and
> let you know it was a bit of a pain. How would you feel?
>*** Oh, thanks so much for the tip!
> > What we do is tell him we don't want to do that right now and we
> > aknowlegde his feelings.
> >
>
>
> Find a way to say yes. It may not be an immediate yes. It may be a
> substitute until you can get the thing he's asking for, but see
> yourself as the only way he can get his needs met. Let him know his
> needs are important and you'll work to find a way to meet them. Try
> not to say "but"! Don't say "Yes, I'd like to get that, but it's
> late." State them positively. "Yes, I can get that for you tomorrow
> when we go to the store. Let's write that down so I don't forget.
> Let's see if there's a substitute for now," or "Yes, let me have a
> break for 15 minutes because my back is hurting. I'll set a timer. If
> you could get the game out and start setting it up, we can play as
> soon as the timer goes off."
>
> If you wanted to go to a movie and your husband needed to drive you,
> and he said "Later." How would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know
> when? And if he said "Thursday," wouldn't you feel kind of brushed
> off as though you were being a pain? What if he faced you and said
> "I'd love to go to a movie with you. I'm kind of busy until Thursday.
> How about then? And we can make it a date with dinner." Wouldn't that
> feel like he cared about you and treated your needs seriously?
>
> > But I sometimes feel like reading something and I think that should
> > be possible.
> >
>
>
> It helps relationships if we can find ways to meet our needs that
> don't take from others. When he needs you, he needs you. He's 4.5.
> That's still very young.
>
> Right now you may need to let go of the expectation of scheduling him
> around your needs. Seize the opportunities when he's engaged in
> something. But don't expect not to be interrupted! Expect the respite
> to last 5 seconds so when it goes to 10 you've got a bonus! :-)
>
> The more you can fill him up now, the less he'll resent it when the
> baby comes and demands your time. You may want to work on finding
> ways to engage him in the process. See you and him as a team. Work
> together.
>
> If you need to sit down for a few minutes, rather than seeing him as
> an obstacle, see him as part of the solution. Say, "Hey, I need to
> sit down for a bit. What can we do that involves sitting?"
>
> So when the baby comes along and is crying you can say "Hey, you
> think that's a hungry cry or a dirty diaper cry? Let's check it out."
> And if it's hungry you can have brainstormed ideas to do together
> while you feed him so that it's a partnership rather than the baby
> pulling you away from him.
>**** I'm going to read it!!!!
>
> > A lot of things feel natural for us, except the food issue. My son
> > has a lot of freedom of what, where and when he eats. But we have a
> > hard time letting the candy-thing go.
> >
>
> Do you have monkey platters for him that include a wide variety of
> foods (including candy and other sweet stuff)?
>
> http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatters
>
> That link goes to lots of pictures. Click on the link for a discussion.
>
> Kids often will eat a lot of candy if it has been forbidden. They're
> trying to fill up on something that had been scarce before the
> controls return. (Adults do that too during crises!) They can also
> drift toward candy because it's quick and easy. It's fast fuel for
> them. Taking time out from play to eat is a pain! ;-) They can also
> tend toward high calorie foods (sugary and fatty) when they're
> gearing up for a growth spurt.
Thanks, Tracy
>
> Joyce
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Camille & Paul
Joyce,
That was absolutely brilliant, a keeper for me for sure :) Thanks so much for sharing :)
Blessings,
¸.·´ .·-:¦:-
((¸¸.·´Camille .·´-:¦:- ~
-:¦:-¸¸.·´*
That was absolutely brilliant, a keeper for me for sure :) Thanks so much for sharing :)
Blessings,
¸.·´ .·-:¦:-
((¸¸.·´Camille .·´-:¦:- ~
-:¦:-¸¸.·´*
----- Original Message -----
From: Joyce Fetteroll
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 10:00 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Insights asked (strong will 4,5 year old) (LONG!!!!)
I think parents can get themselves into a mental trap if they look at
all they give to their children and all the sacrifices they make
rather than looking at the world through their children's eyes and
their children's needs.
To your son, you are the doorway to everything he wants. For the most
part, he must go through you to get anything. Imagine what it would
be like if you had to ask your husband for everything, even a glass
of water, and you had to wait for him to decide if it wasn't too
inconvenient for him? Most adults would go crazy if they had to live
like that!
I suspect there are a lot of things you do for him during the day
that aren't by his request, but you may have lumped them together
with his requests so it's feeling like there's more than there really
is. It will help if you see the things you do for him as choices.
These are gifts you want to give to your family: healthful food,
clean home, clean clothes, outings, reading to him. Many of those
things may be things he enjoys, but they aren't things he's asked for.
What if your husband brought home flowers once a week for you. And
you liked flowers and thought they looked nice, but you didn't really
love them. It would be sweet of him to bring them home, but it would
really be more something that made him happy in the giving rather
than something thoughtful for you.
What if you really loved chocolate and he passed by a store everyday
on the way home from work and you occasionally asked him to pick up a
piece for you and sometimes he would and sometimes he'd grumble and
let you know it was a bit of a pain. How would you feel?
Find a way to say yes. It may not be an immediate yes. It may be a
substitute until you can get the thing he's asking for, but see
yourself as the only way he can get his needs met. Let him know his
needs are important and you'll work to find a way to meet them. Try
not to say "but"! Don't say "Yes, I'd like to get that, but it's
late." State them positively. "Yes, I can get that for you tomorrow
when we go to the store. Let's write that down so I don't forget.
Let's see if there's a substitute for now," or "Yes, let me have a
break for 15 minutes because my back is hurting. I'll set a timer. If
you could get the game out and start setting it up, we can play as
soon as the timer goes off."
If you wanted to go to a movie and your husband needed to drive you,
and he said "Later." How would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know
when? And if he said "Thursday," wouldn't you feel kind of brushed
off as though you were being a pain? What if he faced you and said
"I'd love to go to a movie with you. I'm kind of busy until Thursday.
How about then? And we can make it a date with dinner." Wouldn't that
feel like he cared about you and treated your needs seriously?
It helps relationships if we can find ways to meet our needs that
don't take from others. When he needs you, he needs you. He's 4.5.
That's still very young.
Right now you may need to let go of the expectation of scheduling him
around your needs. Seize the opportunities when he's engaged in
something. But don't expect not to be interrupted! Expect the respite
to last 5 seconds so when it goes to 10 you've got a bonus! :-)
The more you can fill him up now, the less he'll resent it when the
baby comes and demands your time. You may want to work on finding
ways to engage him in the process. See you and him as a team. Work
together.
If you need to sit down for a few minutes, rather than seeing him as
an obstacle, see him as part of the solution. Say, "Hey, I need to
sit down for a bit. What can we do that involves sitting?"
So when the baby comes along and is crying you can say "Hey, you
think that's a hungry cry or a dirty diaper cry? Let's check it out."
And if it's hungry you can have brainstormed ideas to do together
while you feed him so that it's a partnership rather than the baby
pulling you away from him.
Do you have monkey platters for him that include a wide variety of
foods (including candy and other sweet stuff)?
http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatters
That link goes to lots of pictures. Click on the link for a discussion.
Kids often will eat a lot of candy if it has been forbidden. They're
trying to fill up on something that had been scarce before the
controls return. (Adults do that too during crises!) They can also
drift toward candy because it's quick and easy. It's fast fuel for
them. Taking time out from play to eat is a pain! ;-) They can also
tend toward high calorie foods (sugary and fatty) when they're
gearing up for a growth spurt.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: tracyquasters <tracyquasters@...>
Date: Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 12:05 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Insights asked (
My son has a lot of freedom of what, where and when he eats. But we have a
hard time letting the candy-thing go. But I guess that is something we will
grow in
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/2008/11/amazing-6-years-old-pix-words-to-follow.html
have fun with candy. don't make it a rarity. Enjoy all food equally. You
have fear that you don't need to pass down. once you get over your fears you
can give him information. real non fear based information. Take a trip to a
nice candy store. buy one of each as best you can. sample things. there will
be a lot of waste. be ok with it or at least be quiet about it. It is
learning.
We often do taste tests. For example we bought several of chocolate sandwich
cookies. I set them up for a blind taste test. The kids had their sheets to
mark and rate them. It was really fun. We discovered that Oreo's were not
the favorite. Now we purchase a certain kind. We have done this with a
variety of things. We also tweak recipes to see what we can make better. One
week we ate nothin but homemade mac and cheese!
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: tracyquasters <tracyquasters@...>
Date: Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 12:05 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Insights asked (
My son has a lot of freedom of what, where and when he eats. But we have a
hard time letting the candy-thing go. But I guess that is something we will
grow in
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/2008/11/amazing-6-years-old-pix-words-to-follow.html
have fun with candy. don't make it a rarity. Enjoy all food equally. You
have fear that you don't need to pass down. once you get over your fears you
can give him information. real non fear based information. Take a trip to a
nice candy store. buy one of each as best you can. sample things. there will
be a lot of waste. be ok with it or at least be quiet about it. It is
learning.
We often do taste tests. For example we bought several of chocolate sandwich
cookies. I set them up for a blind taste test. The kids had their sheets to
mark and rate them. It was really fun. We discovered that Oreo's were not
the favorite. Now we purchase a certain kind. We have done this with a
variety of things. We also tweak recipes to see what we can make better. One
week we ate nothin but homemade mac and cheese!
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lisa
When my son was this age I had days when I felt like all I did was play, feed, clean and all the other things that go into taking care of a child... he was the 4th child and the others were much older so I had sort of "forgotten" how much care a small child requires! Anyway one day I was grumbling about needing a moment to myself and how all I did was play, feed, clean, cook, etc etc and my older daughter said "I think it would be cool to have someone think I am the center of their universe and can take care of their every need and comfort" gee out of the mouths of babes eh? She was 15 at the time and she said much the same thing that has been said here... the parents are the "gatekeepers" to everything that small children want and need.. we signed up for the job!
Now of course everyone needs their own downtime and as a very pregnant mommy you have to take care of yourself and keep yourself rested, healthy and safe! A few things that I did when my son was little to meet my needs as well as his were things like making a little "package" of snacks and food that he liked that he could get for himself... keeping cups of juice etc already poured and ready in the fridge that he could grab when he wanted something and I was busy.
I knew that as soon as his feet hit the floor in the morning he needed to eat... I am NOT a morning person so there were lots of mornings this was really difficult for me to do cheerfully! If I made a sandwich or something he liked that could be taken out of the fridge and eaten without me getting up at the moment he could go get it and then come back to my bed and happily eat while I continued to rest... at first I thought wow what sloppy parenting I am making my 4 yr old get his own breakfast! UGH! One morning he came back into my room with his breakfast package and gave me a big smacking kiss on my head and said "thanks mommy for making my breakfast at night time" he didn't care when it was made but that I had made sure he had what he needed met his need and he felt special that I had made it an important thing.
I eventually became more of a morning person because he is such a morning person (and he's so cheerful you can't resist him!) so now I cherish that morning time as "our" time when his siblings are still asleep! There are still days when I really don't embrace waking to immediate "jobs" but I know this time is so short when they need us so much... it goes by so quickly (my first is getting ready to head off to college and it seems she should still be toddling around in footie pjs!) I also think about people who have lost children and imagine what they would give to have that little person asking them for something ANY time of the day or night and try very hard to always be thankful to have my children still on this earth with me.
One thing that I did when I was pregnant with my son and had other kids was to show them sometimes how with a pregnant belly I couldn't see my feet, couldn't fit certain places and so forth... it became a funny game to walk around with a pillow and see what they could or couldn't do! Your son might enjoy that! Also try introducing more sedentary things like playing with clay, painting, drawing , playing games and legos etc ... things that don't require climbing play spaces! When time permits have Dad take him to the climbing place! Kids do need that active play ...some more than others so you can't expect that he will become a quiet, sedentary child just because you need him to but he will probably accept more of those type of choices of activities if he is also getting some active play. My husband gave my kids the "job" of making sure that mommy's feet stayed on the ground when I was pregnant (I am short and notorious for climbing ladders, chairs and so forth to reach things!) So it was fun for them to think of things we could do that didn't have us leave the ground. Anyway hopefully there is something here that's helpful!
Good luck!!
Lisa B
Now of course everyone needs their own downtime and as a very pregnant mommy you have to take care of yourself and keep yourself rested, healthy and safe! A few things that I did when my son was little to meet my needs as well as his were things like making a little "package" of snacks and food that he liked that he could get for himself... keeping cups of juice etc already poured and ready in the fridge that he could grab when he wanted something and I was busy.
I knew that as soon as his feet hit the floor in the morning he needed to eat... I am NOT a morning person so there were lots of mornings this was really difficult for me to do cheerfully! If I made a sandwich or something he liked that could be taken out of the fridge and eaten without me getting up at the moment he could go get it and then come back to my bed and happily eat while I continued to rest... at first I thought wow what sloppy parenting I am making my 4 yr old get his own breakfast! UGH! One morning he came back into my room with his breakfast package and gave me a big smacking kiss on my head and said "thanks mommy for making my breakfast at night time" he didn't care when it was made but that I had made sure he had what he needed met his need and he felt special that I had made it an important thing.
I eventually became more of a morning person because he is such a morning person (and he's so cheerful you can't resist him!) so now I cherish that morning time as "our" time when his siblings are still asleep! There are still days when I really don't embrace waking to immediate "jobs" but I know this time is so short when they need us so much... it goes by so quickly (my first is getting ready to head off to college and it seems she should still be toddling around in footie pjs!) I also think about people who have lost children and imagine what they would give to have that little person asking them for something ANY time of the day or night and try very hard to always be thankful to have my children still on this earth with me.
One thing that I did when I was pregnant with my son and had other kids was to show them sometimes how with a pregnant belly I couldn't see my feet, couldn't fit certain places and so forth... it became a funny game to walk around with a pillow and see what they could or couldn't do! Your son might enjoy that! Also try introducing more sedentary things like playing with clay, painting, drawing , playing games and legos etc ... things that don't require climbing play spaces! When time permits have Dad take him to the climbing place! Kids do need that active play ...some more than others so you can't expect that he will become a quiet, sedentary child just because you need him to but he will probably accept more of those type of choices of activities if he is also getting some active play. My husband gave my kids the "job" of making sure that mommy's feet stayed on the ground when I was pregnant (I am short and notorious for climbing ladders, chairs and so forth to reach things!) So it was fun for them to think of things we could do that didn't have us leave the ground. Anyway hopefully there is something here that's helpful!
Good luck!!
Lisa B