meeting her needs
ldyblunh
i have an only child, a very socially oriented girl who thrives on being with people. we dont have friends in the immediate area; they're all about 45 mins away so the impromptu stuff never happens and she gets forgotten out of a lot of stuff. the apartment is far far far too small to host.
as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
amandajlear
I can empathise with you. We have just arrived from the UK so no idea where we are here yet :) but at home, we were 20 miles to the nearest HS community and I was worn out from driving, feeling frustrating and fed up and having a rotten time of it. My ds ditto. Bet 20 miles is a giggle to the driving you all do here :)
Anyway, we stopped doing all the running about for about 3 months and then we both relaxed. DS met children in the same road just from being about the right age finally - then 4 3/4s so able to play / cycle about whilst I pretended to garden. We started doing things together and we just went to the odd HS thing. We had a lovely time bashing museums, going for walks, cycle rides, visits to the park etc.
Luckily for us, and unbeknown to us at the time, various other hs parents felt the same. We all ended up converging around the same time and we very sadly left that very happy group to move overseas, but what a wonderful time we had in just a few short months. I can't say that this will happen for you just this was my very recent experience
You haven't said how old your daughter is?
Do you have neighbours? Do you have a local library - we found that a great contact point in our village back in the UK.
Hope I have been some help, if nothing else than to say you are not alone, don't give up quite yet :) This is a tough choice.
Best wishes
Amanda
Anyway, we stopped doing all the running about for about 3 months and then we both relaxed. DS met children in the same road just from being about the right age finally - then 4 3/4s so able to play / cycle about whilst I pretended to garden. We started doing things together and we just went to the odd HS thing. We had a lovely time bashing museums, going for walks, cycle rides, visits to the park etc.
Luckily for us, and unbeknown to us at the time, various other hs parents felt the same. We all ended up converging around the same time and we very sadly left that very happy group to move overseas, but what a wonderful time we had in just a few short months. I can't say that this will happen for you just this was my very recent experience
You haven't said how old your daughter is?
Do you have neighbours? Do you have a local library - we found that a great contact point in our village back in the UK.
Hope I have been some help, if nothing else than to say you are not alone, don't give up quite yet :) This is a tough choice.
Best wishes
Amanda
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
>
> i have an only child, a very socially oriented girl who thrives on being with people. we dont have friends in the immediate area; they're all about 45 mins away so the impromptu stuff never happens and she gets forgotten out of a lot of stuff. the apartment is far far far too small to host.
>
>
> as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
>
sistergoddesselli
I am still struggling with my daughter...
My daughter keeps asking to go back to school. We started homeschooling in January. She is 11. She seems so happy at times and then so miserable. She made a list of pros and cons. The homeschooling pros outweigh the cons and the school cons were many, yet still, she wants to be back in school. Her friends will all be going to different middle schools and our neighborhood school would not be a good match for her and I don't know if I can get her into the school she'd like to attend and she often asks for a private school, which we can't afford.
I'd like for her to be happy and yet, now I am feeling like there is absolutely no good option...
She also stays up all night right now, playing on her new Apple lap top. Late at night she gets most depressed and during the day, she says she has no energy. And, she wants to play with her friends but only asks for one, who is in camp all day. So, she wants camp, which we can't afford as I am no longer working full time.
She has expressed interests and I am lining up opportunities for her to explore those. Singing, archery, sailing, computer classes...
I feel like I've created a bigger problem for her by pulling her out of school.
I am thinking about taking her to a counselor and I am afraid of that because I'll have to explain unschooling to the counselor... well I am not sure of how it will be received.
Help, again!!
- Elli
ps. My son, 8, seems content and has come around to wanting more in his life than TV and computers after months of de-schooling. Also, he is putting himself to bed earlier so he has energy during the day now. And, he is reaching out to friends for play-dates. So, I know that moving through de-schooling is possible in our house. Just don't know what I can do to help daughter...
My daughter keeps asking to go back to school. We started homeschooling in January. She is 11. She seems so happy at times and then so miserable. She made a list of pros and cons. The homeschooling pros outweigh the cons and the school cons were many, yet still, she wants to be back in school. Her friends will all be going to different middle schools and our neighborhood school would not be a good match for her and I don't know if I can get her into the school she'd like to attend and she often asks for a private school, which we can't afford.
I'd like for her to be happy and yet, now I am feeling like there is absolutely no good option...
She also stays up all night right now, playing on her new Apple lap top. Late at night she gets most depressed and during the day, she says she has no energy. And, she wants to play with her friends but only asks for one, who is in camp all day. So, she wants camp, which we can't afford as I am no longer working full time.
She has expressed interests and I am lining up opportunities for her to explore those. Singing, archery, sailing, computer classes...
I feel like I've created a bigger problem for her by pulling her out of school.
I am thinking about taking her to a counselor and I am afraid of that because I'll have to explain unschooling to the counselor... well I am not sure of how it will be received.
Help, again!!
- Elli
ps. My son, 8, seems content and has come around to wanting more in his life than TV and computers after months of de-schooling. Also, he is putting himself to bed earlier so he has energy during the day now. And, he is reaching out to friends for play-dates. So, I know that moving through de-schooling is possible in our house. Just don't know what I can do to help daughter...
swissarmy_wife
--- In [email protected], "sistergoddesselli" <elinorsparks@...> wrote:
=====================================================================
The homeschooling pros outweigh the cons and the school cons were many, yet still, she wants to be back in school.
******I'm not understanding why she can't go back to school if she wants to.
======================================================================
Her friends will all be going to different middle schools and our neighborhood school would not be a good match for her
******Why?
======================================================================
and I don't know if I can get her into the school she'd like to attend
******have you tried? I guess I'm still wondering if the girl even wanted to be homeschooled in the first place. I also don't see a problem if she would like to return to school. I hear a LOT of negatives in your post. I feel it is important to support your daughter and help her meet her needs in the best way possible. She wants to go to school, but you are coming up with every reason in the book why she can not go to school.
-Heather
www.swissarmywife.net
======================================================================
> My daughter keeps asking to go back to school. We started homeschooling in January. She is 11. She seems so happy at times and then so miserable. She made a list of pros and cons.******When you pulled her out of school, was this YOUR choice or HERS? What I mean is, did you suddenly make a decision to homeschool and bring her home? How did she feel about it? Did she have a say?
=====================================================================
The homeschooling pros outweigh the cons and the school cons were many, yet still, she wants to be back in school.
******I'm not understanding why she can't go back to school if she wants to.
======================================================================
Her friends will all be going to different middle schools and our neighborhood school would not be a good match for her
******Why?
======================================================================
and I don't know if I can get her into the school she'd like to attend
******have you tried? I guess I'm still wondering if the girl even wanted to be homeschooled in the first place. I also don't see a problem if she would like to return to school. I hear a LOT of negatives in your post. I feel it is important to support your daughter and help her meet her needs in the best way possible. She wants to go to school, but you are coming up with every reason in the book why she can not go to school.
-Heather
www.swissarmywife.net
======================================================================
[email protected]
Well, it sounds like school might be the way to go. Hsing doesn't always work out.
Nance
Nance
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
>
> i have an only child, a very socially oriented girl who thrives on being with people. we dont have friends in the immediate area; they're all about 45 mins away so the impromptu stuff never happens and she gets forgotten out of a lot of stuff. the apartment is far far far too small to host.
>
>
> as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
>
DJ250
How about a Sudbury school? Is there one in your area? They can be on the cheaper end of the scale as far as private schools go and it's more like unschooling in a school-setting (more so than a traditional school).
~Melissa, in MD :)
~Melissa, in MD :)
----- Original Message -----
From: marbleface@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 7:49 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: meeting her needs
Well, it sounds like school might be the way to go. Hsing doesn't always work out.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
>
> i have an only child, a very socially oriented girl who thrives on being with people. we dont have friends in the immediate area; they're all about 45 mins away so the impromptu stuff never happens and she gets forgotten out of a lot of stuff. the apartment is far far far too small to host.
>
>
> as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
>
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The Coffee Goddess
Is she on facebook or any other online social circles? That really helps my kids stay in touch with their friends....
Even if there's no room at your apartment, is there an area you could think about meeting with people? A banquet room in a local restaurant, a meeting room at the library, a back room of a coffee shop, grange hall, fire station, city hall, power company--depending on where you live, there are usually places you can use free of charge for meetings--your daughter could put together book clubs, movie afternoons, discussion groups, clubs, etc, and invite her current friends and others to meet her SOMEWHERE, other than your house.
Dana
Even if there's no room at your apartment, is there an area you could think about meeting with people? A banquet room in a local restaurant, a meeting room at the library, a back room of a coffee shop, grange hall, fire station, city hall, power company--depending on where you live, there are usually places you can use free of charge for meetings--your daughter could put together book clubs, movie afternoons, discussion groups, clubs, etc, and invite her current friends and others to meet her SOMEWHERE, other than your house.
Dana
--- On Tue, 6/30/09, amandajlear <amandajlear@...> wrote:
From: amandajlear <amandajlear@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: meeting her needs
To: [email protected]
Date: Tuesday, June 30, 2009, 12:12 AM
I can empathise with you. We have just arrived from the UK so no idea where we are here yet :) but at home, we were 20 miles to the nearest HS community and I was worn out from driving, feeling frustrating and fed up and having a rotten time of it. My ds ditto. Bet 20 miles is a giggle to the driving you all do here :)
Anyway, we stopped doing all the running about for about 3 months and then we both relaxed. DS met children in the same road just from being about the right age finally - then 4 3/4s so able to play / cycle about whilst I pretended to garden. We started doing things together and we just went to the odd HS thing. We had a lovely time bashing museums, going for walks, cycle rides, visits to the park etc.
Luckily for us, and unbeknown to us at the time, various other hs parents felt the same. We all ended up converging around the same time and we very sadly left that very happy group to move overseas, but what a wonderful time we had in just a few short months. I can't say that this will happen for you just this was my very recent experience
You haven't said how old your daughter is?
Do you have neighbours? Do you have a local library - we found that a great contact point in our village back in the UK.
Hope I have been some help, if nothing else than to say you are not alone, don't give up quite yet :) This is a tough choice.
Best wishes
Amanda
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
>
> i have an only child, a very socially oriented girl who thrives on being with people. we dont have friends in the immediate area; they're all about 45 mins away so the impromptu stuff never happens and she gets forgotten out of a lot of stuff. the apartment is far far far too small to host.
>
>
> as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
>
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Janice Reynolds
I think I could have written your post.
We just pulled our 11yo dd this year (but in the fall) so this was our first
year hsing. Our 9yo dd stayed in school, it seemed to suit her better.
Were not sure what we are doing in the fall. If she goes back, it is
mostly in order for her to have more contact with other kids. We live in a
very small town (less than 50 kids in our K-12 school) and there will only
be 8 kids in her grade 6-8 triple-graded classroom if she goes back. So
whether she goes back or not, there are few friends to choose from. Plus
she doesnt find the kids around her to be very interesting or exciting (ie
they have little imagination and dont like to play much).
Anyhow, we have met other hsers in the city that is 1 ½ hours from us. But
if they are long-time hsers, they have their own network established, and
Im sure they see no reason to become friends with us.
My dd was very sad and lonely, but now at the end of the year seemed to have
found on-line friends that she enjoys using Facebook, MSN and her webcam.
Some are regular students in the UK, that are home after school at the same
time my dd is available to talk. So to her it doesnt really matter where
they are, as long as they have MSN and webcams. She is more interested in
finding kids with the time to talk to her, and similar interests. Of course
shed love to have close friends, that she could play with IRL, but unless
we move, it isnt going to happen. This has been our situation for years.
That said, if your daughter is interested in talking with my daughter, shed
give it a go. As I said, I think part of the key thing is finding 2 kids
that are in the same situation, that REALLY want to make new friends.
Contact me at moms for milk at sasktel dot net, if you like.
(We are in rural Saskatchewan, Canada)
Janice
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We just pulled our 11yo dd this year (but in the fall) so this was our first
year hsing. Our 9yo dd stayed in school, it seemed to suit her better.
Were not sure what we are doing in the fall. If she goes back, it is
mostly in order for her to have more contact with other kids. We live in a
very small town (less than 50 kids in our K-12 school) and there will only
be 8 kids in her grade 6-8 triple-graded classroom if she goes back. So
whether she goes back or not, there are few friends to choose from. Plus
she doesnt find the kids around her to be very interesting or exciting (ie
they have little imagination and dont like to play much).
Anyhow, we have met other hsers in the city that is 1 ½ hours from us. But
if they are long-time hsers, they have their own network established, and
Im sure they see no reason to become friends with us.
My dd was very sad and lonely, but now at the end of the year seemed to have
found on-line friends that she enjoys using Facebook, MSN and her webcam.
Some are regular students in the UK, that are home after school at the same
time my dd is available to talk. So to her it doesnt really matter where
they are, as long as they have MSN and webcams. She is more interested in
finding kids with the time to talk to her, and similar interests. Of course
shed love to have close friends, that she could play with IRL, but unless
we move, it isnt going to happen. This has been our situation for years.
That said, if your daughter is interested in talking with my daughter, shed
give it a go. As I said, I think part of the key thing is finding 2 kids
that are in the same situation, that REALLY want to make new friends.
Contact me at moms for milk at sasktel dot net, if you like.
(We are in rural Saskatchewan, Canada)
Janice
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Cameron Parham
I hope it's OK if I comment here since I don't post much. I have some experience with taking kids to a therapist/counselor while homeschooling with a curriculum and while unschooling. I am hopefully not entering the conversation too late to make sense. You commented that by taking your dd out of school you may have "created a bigger problem for her" so something was going on before she left school? Plus she is painting herself in a corner, making sure that all options you offer are impossible. And she has mood swings. The reason I list these things is not to say that you should seek therapy, but only to say that if you do, there are other issues besides whether to attend school or not. Also, it is summertime, when some schools are not in session. Most therapists meet with the parent first (in this age range), and you will be voicing your concerns. In my experience, you can focus on her unhappiness, focus on how she walls herself in with choices
(such as wanting only to play with the friend who is at camp all day), you can focus on her mood swings. You can let the therapist get to know you and your dd. Let the therapist find out that you are a very involved parent, who thinks creatively and with full engagement about your kids. This is a great luxury to most therapists, whose clients are often from a far less supportive background. You can slowly let the learning approach for your family emerge. If you are still in the deschooling phase, and your dd is in such a period of dramatic transition (just being an 11 yo girl is hard), you may want to be careful not to appear to be seeking advice on wheter to homeschool or unschool. I had one therapist that thought everything about my dd centered on homeschooling. She was always saying, "Since you homeschool you are around each other too much. Since you homeschool, blah, blah...." Emily first asked to quit her and we did. Now I have a
therapist with whom I have not yet discussed homeschooling and my 10 yo ds has a therapist he really likes, who is aware that we homeschool but I have not focused on it as a 'problem' because I don't see it as one. Of course if the child herself sees it as a problem it will come out in the sessions. There you have the summer season on your side; many kids aren't going to school right now. Watch what the therapist says. You probably have time to decide it the therapist can mesh with your dd and your family. I would not attempt to describe and define unschooling right away! That's just my '2 cents!' Cameron
________________________________
From: sistergoddesselli <elinorsparks@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:07:25 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] unhappy daughter.
I am still struggling with my daughter...
My daughter keeps asking to go back to school. We started homeschooling in January. She is 11. She seems so happy at times and then so miserable. She made a list of pros and cons. The homeschooling pros outweigh the cons and the school cons were many, yet still, she wants to be back in school. Her friends will all be going to different middle schools and our neighborhood school would not be a good match for her and I don't know if I can get her into the school she'd like to attend and she often asks for a private school, which we can't afford.
I'd like for her to be happy and yet, now I am feeling like there is absolutely no good option...
She also stays up all night right now, playing on her new Apple lap top. Late at night she gets most depressed and during the day, she says she has no energy. And, she wants to play with her friends but only asks for one, who is in camp all day. So, she wants camp, which we can't afford as I am no longer working full time.
She has expressed interests and I am lining up opportunities for her to explore those. Singing, archery, sailing, computer classes...
I feel like I've created a bigger problem for her by pulling her out of school.
I am thinking about taking her to a counselor and I am afraid of that because I'll have to explain unschooling to the counselor... well I am not sure of how it will be received.
Help, again!!
- Elli
ps. My son, 8, seems content and has come around to wanting more in his life than TV and computers after months of de-schooling. Also, he is putting himself to bed earlier so he has energy during the day now. And, he is reaching out to friends for play-dates. So, I know that moving through de-schooling is possible in our house. Just don't know what I can do to help daughter...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
(such as wanting only to play with the friend who is at camp all day), you can focus on her mood swings. You can let the therapist get to know you and your dd. Let the therapist find out that you are a very involved parent, who thinks creatively and with full engagement about your kids. This is a great luxury to most therapists, whose clients are often from a far less supportive background. You can slowly let the learning approach for your family emerge. If you are still in the deschooling phase, and your dd is in such a period of dramatic transition (just being an 11 yo girl is hard), you may want to be careful not to appear to be seeking advice on wheter to homeschool or unschool. I had one therapist that thought everything about my dd centered on homeschooling. She was always saying, "Since you homeschool you are around each other too much. Since you homeschool, blah, blah...." Emily first asked to quit her and we did. Now I have a
therapist with whom I have not yet discussed homeschooling and my 10 yo ds has a therapist he really likes, who is aware that we homeschool but I have not focused on it as a 'problem' because I don't see it as one. Of course if the child herself sees it as a problem it will come out in the sessions. There you have the summer season on your side; many kids aren't going to school right now. Watch what the therapist says. You probably have time to decide it the therapist can mesh with your dd and your family. I would not attempt to describe and define unschooling right away! That's just my '2 cents!' Cameron
________________________________
From: sistergoddesselli <elinorsparks@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:07:25 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] unhappy daughter.
I am still struggling with my daughter...
My daughter keeps asking to go back to school. We started homeschooling in January. She is 11. She seems so happy at times and then so miserable. She made a list of pros and cons. The homeschooling pros outweigh the cons and the school cons were many, yet still, she wants to be back in school. Her friends will all be going to different middle schools and our neighborhood school would not be a good match for her and I don't know if I can get her into the school she'd like to attend and she often asks for a private school, which we can't afford.
I'd like for her to be happy and yet, now I am feeling like there is absolutely no good option...
She also stays up all night right now, playing on her new Apple lap top. Late at night she gets most depressed and during the day, she says she has no energy. And, she wants to play with her friends but only asks for one, who is in camp all day. So, she wants camp, which we can't afford as I am no longer working full time.
She has expressed interests and I am lining up opportunities for her to explore those. Singing, archery, sailing, computer classes...
I feel like I've created a bigger problem for her by pulling her out of school.
I am thinking about taking her to a counselor and I am afraid of that because I'll have to explain unschooling to the counselor... well I am not sure of how it will be received.
Help, again!!
- Elli
ps. My son, 8, seems content and has come around to wanting more in his life than TV and computers after months of de-schooling. Also, he is putting himself to bed earlier so he has energy during the day now. And, he is reaching out to friends for play-dates. So, I know that moving through de-schooling is possible in our house. Just don't know what I can do to help daughter...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
If she's very social, the most important thing to offer her is social connections. How old is she? Is she trying to make friends, or just needs to be around more people? Can you "fill her cup" of sociability by taking her out to anywhere at all, so long as its a place to see and interact with others?
If she's looking to connect more with others, rather than focusing on homeschoolers - on meeting kids, focus on finding people with similar interests to your dd. If she likes to paint, look for artists groups, and/or art classes. If she likes animals, see if you can volunteer at an animal shelter. People often make friends by doing the things they love and discovering others who share that love.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>[and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]*************************
If she's very social, the most important thing to offer her is social connections. How old is she? Is she trying to make friends, or just needs to be around more people? Can you "fill her cup" of sociability by taking her out to anywhere at all, so long as its a place to see and interact with others?
If she's looking to connect more with others, rather than focusing on homeschoolers - on meeting kids, focus on finding people with similar interests to your dd. If she likes to paint, look for artists groups, and/or art classes. If she likes animals, see if you can volunteer at an animal shelter. People often make friends by doing the things they love and discovering others who share that love.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
Betj
There are always senior centers too. Senior citizens can be the best story tellers and teachers (think knitting/sewing/etc., history from those who were there...). I always enjoyed time with not only my grandparents but older neighbors.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
-----Original Message-----
From: "Meredith" <meredith@...>
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 20:59:54
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: meeting her needs
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
-----Original Message-----
From: "Meredith" <meredith@...>
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 20:59:54
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: meeting her needs
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
>[and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
*************************
If she's very social, the most important thing to offer her is social connections. How old is she? Is she trying to make friends, or just needs to be around more people? Can you "fill her cup" of sociability by taking her out to anywhere at all, so long as its a place to see and interact with others?
If she's looking to connect more with others, rather than focusing on homeschoolers - on meeting kids, focus on finding people with similar interests to your dd. If she likes to paint, look for artists groups, and/or art classes. If she likes animals, see if you can volunteer at an animal shelter. People often make friends by doing the things they love and discovering others who share that love.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "sistergoddesselli" <elinorsparks@...> wrote:
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>Tell her she can go in the fall. Find her some summer camps. At this point, the problem isn't her, its that you have an idea of what a happy home looks like and your dd doesn't share it. Say goodbye to that fantasy! Grieve for it, have a good long cry (or a week of crying if you need it) and then move on. Create a new idea of a happy home, one that looks like the real people in your real life!
> I am still struggling with my daughter...
>
> My daughter keeps asking to go back to school.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
Meredith
Replying to my own post bc I think I came across harsher than I intended!
I think, more than anything else, your dd needs to know that you take her and her wants and needs seriously, and that you value her as a person. Telling her that isn't likely to make much of dent, though, she needs to be shown in ways that make sense to her, that feel good to her. When she feels loved, she will be able to give love back to you - but getting there may not look much like what you envision.
You've said more than once, here and on another list, that you want a happy, connected family, with both kids at home. It may not be possible to have all those things at once! That doesn't make it bad or wrong to Want it - but it may be unrealistic. Or it may be totally realistic, but not today, not this month, not this year.
Take the idea of "both kids at home" out of the mix and ask yourself what you can do to help your dd be happier, to connect with her more. There's already been a lot of discussion on ways you can do that - take some time to let all of that sink in, start putting some of it in motion, and see what happens (a week or two isn't long enough, this will take months!). But at the same time, say "yes" every time she says "school". Look into scholarships and other educational options. Jump through hoops and bend over backwards trying to get her into whatever school she wants so she knows you value her desires and take them seriously. You won't be able to do that if you're all wound up thinking "both kids at home", you'll resist. You'll be half-hearted and your dd will see that and think "she doesn't Really care about me". So its really, really important to deal with your own feelings about having both kids home, and to grieve that you may not ever get to have that part of the dream.
It sounds hard to say "give up this parenting dream". I've given up a few. Two years ago I gave up my dream of being the stay at home parent - now my partner does that. I had to get past the grief over what I didn't have to start to see and appreciate what I did have - to seem my real family living our real life. There's a lot to love in any family! Love your dd for Who She Is right now - contradictions and frustrations and all, and do everything in your power to support Who She Is right now, even if its not something you'd prefer. That will do more to bring you closer to her, to bring more love and joy to your family, than trying to keep her home if she doesn't want to be there.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
I think, more than anything else, your dd needs to know that you take her and her wants and needs seriously, and that you value her as a person. Telling her that isn't likely to make much of dent, though, she needs to be shown in ways that make sense to her, that feel good to her. When she feels loved, she will be able to give love back to you - but getting there may not look much like what you envision.
You've said more than once, here and on another list, that you want a happy, connected family, with both kids at home. It may not be possible to have all those things at once! That doesn't make it bad or wrong to Want it - but it may be unrealistic. Or it may be totally realistic, but not today, not this month, not this year.
Take the idea of "both kids at home" out of the mix and ask yourself what you can do to help your dd be happier, to connect with her more. There's already been a lot of discussion on ways you can do that - take some time to let all of that sink in, start putting some of it in motion, and see what happens (a week or two isn't long enough, this will take months!). But at the same time, say "yes" every time she says "school". Look into scholarships and other educational options. Jump through hoops and bend over backwards trying to get her into whatever school she wants so she knows you value her desires and take them seriously. You won't be able to do that if you're all wound up thinking "both kids at home", you'll resist. You'll be half-hearted and your dd will see that and think "she doesn't Really care about me". So its really, really important to deal with your own feelings about having both kids home, and to grieve that you may not ever get to have that part of the dream.
It sounds hard to say "give up this parenting dream". I've given up a few. Two years ago I gave up my dream of being the stay at home parent - now my partner does that. I had to get past the grief over what I didn't have to start to see and appreciate what I did have - to seem my real family living our real life. There's a lot to love in any family! Love your dd for Who She Is right now - contradictions and frustrations and all, and do everything in your power to support Who She Is right now, even if its not something you'd prefer. That will do more to bring you closer to her, to bring more love and joy to your family, than trying to keep her home if she doesn't want to be there.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
ldyblunh
she's on the cusp of turning 11 and is quite clear she doesnt want more structured kid time (ie classes, scouts etc.)
she wants the hang loose be a kid time -- which oddly i dont find the other parents are able to schedule in because of all the structured stuff they've already got in place :(
she wants the hang loose be a kid time -- which oddly i dont find the other parents are able to schedule in because of all the structured stuff they've already got in place :(
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <meredith@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@> wrote:
> >[and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
> *************************
>
> If she's very social, the most important thing to offer her is social connections. How old is she? Is she trying to make friends, or just needs to be around more people? Can you "fill her cup" of sociability by taking her out to anywhere at all, so long as its a place to see and interact with others?
>
> If she's looking to connect more with others, rather than focusing on homeschoolers - on meeting kids, focus on finding people with similar interests to your dd. If she likes to paint, look for artists groups, and/or art classes. If she likes animals, see if you can volunteer at an animal shelter. People often make friends by doing the things they love and discovering others who share that love.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>
Faith Void
I really thing that 11 can just be a really hard age. For the children
going through it and for the parents. I think some of these issues can
be dealt with by just remembering that. Read the archives! Search for
11 year old or something similiar and you'll find the same sentiment
over and over. 'my 11 is unhappy, dissatisfied, wants friends' many
posts that are about my kid wants to return to school are about 11
year olds. I think these feels are very common.
Faith
Sent from my iPhone
going through it and for the parents. I think some of these issues can
be dealt with by just remembering that. Read the archives! Search for
11 year old or something similiar and you'll find the same sentiment
over and over. 'my 11 is unhappy, dissatisfied, wants friends' many
posts that are about my kid wants to return to school are about 11
year olds. I think these feels are very common.
Faith
Sent from my iPhone
On Jun 30, 2009, at 8:48 PM, "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
>
>
> she's on the cusp of turning 11 and is quite clear she doesnt want
> more structured kid time (ie classes, scouts etc.)
>
> she wants the hang loose be a kid time -- which oddly i dont find
> the other parents are able to schedule in because of all the
> structured stuff they've already got in place :(
>
> --- In [email protected], "Meredith" <meredith@...>
> wrote:
> >
> > --- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@>
> wrote:
> > >[and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a
> huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact
> because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is
> 'local' ]
> > *************************
> >
> > If she's very social, the most important thing to offer her is
> social connections. How old is she? Is she trying to make friends,
> or just needs to be around more people? Can you "fill her cup" of
> sociability by taking her out to anywhere at all, so long as its a
> place to see and interact with others?
> >
> > If she's looking to connect more with others, rather than focusing
> on homeschoolers - on meeting kids, focus on finding people with
> similar interests to your dd. If she likes to paint, look for
> artists groups, and/or art classes. If she likes animals, see if you
> can volunteer at an animal shelter. People often make friends by
> doing the things they love and discovering others who share that love.
> >
> > ---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
> >
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ldyblunh
its the only thing she wants at public school - the kid contact; she likes other aspects of being home. which since i havent followed very closely to what the state teaches is a good thing -- she'd get totally hammered with work if she went back this fall
the things we tried this past year didnt fit the need [mostly because her desire is casual open kid play and it was all structured stuff that never sprouted into anything more in part because we're 45mins - 1 hr away from them; outta sight outta mind] so now i'm brainstorming for what to do differently
i grew up in a rural place where people are far FAR more open and receptive; i know how to connect and be community in that environment. i honestly dont have the skills for making friends in what to me is a city; so i'm completely at a loss for understanding how to help her do it
she has good people skills; she can connect with others; and then after everyone goes home like it never happened; it seems to be something about this geographical area. all the families WANT to be community but no one really does anything to spark it.
if she couldnt understand algebra i could find a tutor or teacher; but i dont see how to find someone to decode the habits of a society. in orer to throw solutions at something you have to understand it. i understand what's happening but i'm lacking the WHY
a dad on an email loop said his kids friends grew out of his friendships... i SOOO hope that's not the answer because i dont have any friends around here either!
the things we tried this past year didnt fit the need [mostly because her desire is casual open kid play and it was all structured stuff that never sprouted into anything more in part because we're 45mins - 1 hr away from them; outta sight outta mind] so now i'm brainstorming for what to do differently
i grew up in a rural place where people are far FAR more open and receptive; i know how to connect and be community in that environment. i honestly dont have the skills for making friends in what to me is a city; so i'm completely at a loss for understanding how to help her do it
she has good people skills; she can connect with others; and then after everyone goes home like it never happened; it seems to be something about this geographical area. all the families WANT to be community but no one really does anything to spark it.
if she couldnt understand algebra i could find a tutor or teacher; but i dont see how to find someone to decode the habits of a society. in orer to throw solutions at something you have to understand it. i understand what's happening but i'm lacking the WHY
a dad on an email loop said his kids friends grew out of his friendships... i SOOO hope that's not the answer because i dont have any friends around here either!
JUDY ARNALL
Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen reject this?
Thanks,
Judy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thanks,
Judy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Betj
Yep. My 13 year old ds is quite antihug some days. He was alseep on floor one night and it reminded me of when he was little so I sat down and hugged him, he still grumbled. LOL
Beth
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
-----Original Message-----
From: JUDY ARNALL <jarnall@...>
Date: Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:33:57
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: teen hugs
Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen reject this?
Thanks,
Judy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Beth
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
-----Original Message-----
From: JUDY ARNALL <jarnall@...>
Date: Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:33:57
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: teen hugs
Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen reject this?
Thanks,
Judy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
Did you say you'd been meeting up with homeschoolers there? Ask some of them how they meet others - for that matter, ask if any of them could help your dd make friends! It never hurts to ask.
Ray, especially, has had the most luck connecting with others who have specific shared interests. With younger kids, its a little easier to find shared interests. Your dd has moved out of that "easy" range, I'm afraid! Many adults have to spend years learning how to make friends once they get out of school, since school provides a ready-made set of people to associate with, who have certain things in common (same teacher, same schedule, same work...).
It might be helpful to talk with your dd about your own difficulties in this area. Its not a simple matter for adults to make friends (and really, it isn't for kids, either, unless they happen to "click" well with their class-mates). Do you and your dd enjoy some of the same things? Can you take a class or join a club together and help each other make friends?
Try local counsellors, including ministers. Also check with anything like Human Services or Adult Education services - they may not have anything specifically set up, but may be able to refer you. Boys and Girls clubs might be able to help, too. And check with those homeschooling aquaintances to see if *they* have any references.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>i honestly dont have the skills for making friends in what to me is a city; so i'm completely at a loss for understanding how to help her do it*******************
Did you say you'd been meeting up with homeschoolers there? Ask some of them how they meet others - for that matter, ask if any of them could help your dd make friends! It never hurts to ask.
> the things we tried this past year didnt fit the need [mostly because her desire is casual open kid play and it was all structured stuff that never sprouted into anything more in part because we're 45mins - 1 hr away from them; outta sight outta mind] so now i'm brainstorming for what to do differently************************************
Ray, especially, has had the most luck connecting with others who have specific shared interests. With younger kids, its a little easier to find shared interests. Your dd has moved out of that "easy" range, I'm afraid! Many adults have to spend years learning how to make friends once they get out of school, since school provides a ready-made set of people to associate with, who have certain things in common (same teacher, same schedule, same work...).
It might be helpful to talk with your dd about your own difficulties in this area. Its not a simple matter for adults to make friends (and really, it isn't for kids, either, unless they happen to "click" well with their class-mates). Do you and your dd enjoy some of the same things? Can you take a class or join a club together and help each other make friends?
> if she couldnt understand algebra i could find a tutor or teacher; but i dont see how to find someone to decode the habits of a society.*********************
Try local counsellors, including ministers. Also check with anything like Human Services or Adult Education services - they may not have anything specifically set up, but may be able to refer you. Boys and Girls clubs might be able to help, too. And check with those homeschooling aquaintances to see if *they* have any references.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
Ulrike Haupt
Oh Dears
I am not a hugging person and am astonished nearly each day when my dear 17 year old comes to me and 'demands' his daily hug. So I cannot really relate. Sorry
Ulrike
Maybe your teens are not huggers?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am not a hugging person and am astonished nearly each day when my dear 17 year old comes to me and 'demands' his daily hug. So I cannot really relate. Sorry
Ulrike
Maybe your teens are not huggers?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Cameron Parham
Teens who don't want private hugs: This happens to me at various times esp with my dd but sometimes the boys too. It can feel personally rejecting but I think it's really not. I think it's just where they are with their internal climate/thoughts/boundaries. It's a great time to show them that this is perfectly OK, and that they are right to know their own needs and to communicate them. Cameron
________________________________
________________________________
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
There have been times when all of my kids didn't want a hug, kiss,
touch when I offered it. There have been times I have rejected touches
(including hug) from my sweet wonderful partner. I thing that's just
the way it is with humans. I prefer they retain their body integrity
then capitulate to meet my needs.
What was your need? Perhaps if you can figure out the root of your
feeling rejected then you can figure out how to get that need met.
What was the need that didn't get met? Did you feel like you wanted
connection, or physical reassurance?
Faith
Sent from my iPhone
touch when I offered it. There have been times I have rejected touches
(including hug) from my sweet wonderful partner. I thing that's just
the way it is with humans. I prefer they retain their body integrity
then capitulate to meet my needs.
What was your need? Perhaps if you can figure out the root of your
feeling rejected then you can figure out how to get that need met.
What was the need that didn't get met? Did you feel like you wanted
connection, or physical reassurance?
Faith
Sent from my iPhone
On Jul 1, 2009, at 12:33 PM, JUDY ARNALL <jarnall@...> wrote:
>
>
> Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen
> reject this?
> Thanks,
> Judy
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jana Smith
Ohhhh yeah, but generally speaking at a later time they will come and hug me right out of the blue. :)
Jana---unschooling myself and living life large with my guys!
Jana---unschooling myself and living life large with my guys!
--- On Wed, 7/1/09, JUDY ARNALL <jarnall@...> wrote:
From: JUDY ARNALL <jarnall@...>
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: teen hugs
To: [email protected]
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 2009, 9:33 AM
Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen reject this?
Thanks,
Judy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
>Nope. But my 8y.o. is quite verbal when he doesn't want a hug (or he just walks away). I think it's more a personality thing rather than age related. My 19 y.o. regularly seeks me out for hugs when he comes to visit OR at group gatherings.
> Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen reject this?
> Thanks,
> Judy
Ren
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
Gwen
Maybe you need to look outside the homeschooling community? What are her interests? What does she love to do?
I don't know where you live, but could you look for local (and even not so local) events that look interesting to her?
Gwen
I don't know where you live, but could you look for local (and even not so local) events that look interesting to her?
Gwen
--- On Mon, 6/29/09, ldyblunh <terri7b@...> wrote:
i have an only child, a very socially oriented girl who thrives on being with people. we dont have friends in the immediate area; they're all about 45 mins away so the impromptu stuff never happens and she gets forgotten out of a lot of stuff. the apartment is far far far too small to host.
as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ldyblunh
i dont think other people analyze stuff like i do so they cant really speak to my questions
Bunny Shank
Isn't that a sign of how secure they are of themselves and your regard for them?
Bunny
________________________________
From: JUDY ARNALL <jarnall@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, July 1, 2009 9:33:57 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: teen hugs
Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen reject this?
Thanks,
Judy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bunny
________________________________
From: JUDY ARNALL <jarnall@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, July 1, 2009 9:33:57 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: teen hugs
Has anyone ever hugged their teen (in private) and had their teen reject this?
Thanks,
Judy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "ldyblunh" <terri7b@...> wrote:
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>Do you mean you've had answers like "well, I dunno" or that you haven't asked? I'm sometimes amazed at the answers I get from other people - I'm not as chatty in person as I am online, I like to ask questions and just let people natter on about whatever they like. Its not always obvious from knowing someone slightly what they think about in depth.
> i dont think other people analyze stuff like i do so they cant really speak to my questions
>
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
ldyblunh
typical kid stuff -- swim, bike, swings, do her nails, tv, wii games, ice cream.... just typical kid stuff
--- In [email protected], Gwen <willow_selene@...> wrote:
>
> Maybe you need to look outside the homeschooling community? What are her interests? What does she love to do?
>
> I don't know where you live, but could you look for local (and even not so local) events that look interesting to her?
>
> Gwen
>
> --- On Mon, 6/29/09, ldyblunh <terri7b@...> wrote:
> i have an only child, a very socially oriented girl who thrives on being with people. we dont have friends in the immediate area; they're all about 45 mins away so the impromptu stuff never happens and she gets forgotten out of a lot of stuff. the apartment is far far far too small to host.
>
> as much as i want to continue homeschooling --- im trying to be honest about her needs; she needs the social contacts!! yes i know the social contacts in school suck swamp water; but it would be a lot more than i seem to be able to offer her :( [and yes we've been involved in the hs community TONS! its a huge detriment to me and what i can offer her at home in fact because of how much we're travelling as none of the community is 'local' ]
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Schuyler
We have a wii and have games that we could play with her from across the ocean. We also have skype and just got a new webcam. If your daughter wants we could be her virtual pals.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: ldyblunh <terri7b@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 3 July, 2009 2:13:05 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: meeting her needs
typical kid stuff -- swim, bike, swings, do her nails, tv, wii games, ice cream.... just typical kid stuff
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
________________________________
From: ldyblunh <terri7b@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 3 July, 2009 2:13:05 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: meeting her needs
typical kid stuff -- swim, bike, swings, do her nails, tv, wii games, ice cream.... just typical kid stuff
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]