New Yorker article on Self-control and unschooling observations
amandabpearl
I just read a very interesting article in the May 18 issue of New Yorker. This link to the article should work, but I will also happily PDF it to anyone who emails me off list.
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/18/090518fa_fact_lehrer
The basic idea is that children who exercise self control at a young age have personality or markers for success as adults.
A LOT of the content focuses on school or "skills" acquired in school....not procrastinating on homework, and the like. However, the article was interesting to me in that I would imagine many unschooled children are not exposed to these concepts in a "traditional" way. For instance my 2 1/2 year old daughter finds it difficult to stand in line (I do it for her as needed) or doing a group activity (she likes to wander in and out of the activity) which is fine for our life style, but very different from her acquaintances who have been in preschool from 18 months, or even those who have not yet been to school, but have more controlling parents...some "nature" some "nurture" maybe?
Anyway, while I recognize that each child and family is unique, I am wondering in unschooling families if parents can share some of their observations of when/ how children began to acquire self-control (which in the article seemed to be another word for patience)...especially as this article provoked many thoughts for me (though none particularly doubting unschooling) regarding growing up in a "yes" household and learning patience...typing this I realize it probably originates from my fear of being pregnant with a toddler who does not seem to get the "yes....in 2 minutes" or "yes...as soon as mommy climbs down off the ladder" (or whatever it is) and how that will play out with a new born who has immediate needs...though those are few if you are nursing in a sling :)
Thanks in advance,
Amanda
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/18/090518fa_fact_lehrer
The basic idea is that children who exercise self control at a young age have personality or markers for success as adults.
A LOT of the content focuses on school or "skills" acquired in school....not procrastinating on homework, and the like. However, the article was interesting to me in that I would imagine many unschooled children are not exposed to these concepts in a "traditional" way. For instance my 2 1/2 year old daughter finds it difficult to stand in line (I do it for her as needed) or doing a group activity (she likes to wander in and out of the activity) which is fine for our life style, but very different from her acquaintances who have been in preschool from 18 months, or even those who have not yet been to school, but have more controlling parents...some "nature" some "nurture" maybe?
Anyway, while I recognize that each child and family is unique, I am wondering in unschooling families if parents can share some of their observations of when/ how children began to acquire self-control (which in the article seemed to be another word for patience)...especially as this article provoked many thoughts for me (though none particularly doubting unschooling) regarding growing up in a "yes" household and learning patience...typing this I realize it probably originates from my fear of being pregnant with a toddler who does not seem to get the "yes....in 2 minutes" or "yes...as soon as mommy climbs down off the ladder" (or whatever it is) and how that will play out with a new born who has immediate needs...though those are few if you are nursing in a sling :)
Thanks in advance,
Amanda
Debra Rossing
I think one thing is that as DS has seen us partner with him to meet
what he wants/needs, he has come to trust that if we say "yes, in 2
minutes" that it WILL happen, in as close to 2 minutes as we are able to
manage. That seems to lead to developing patience. I've watched
nieces/nephews/friends' kids who have heard "in 2 minutes" only to be
put off again and again so they get in the habit of repeatedly
requesting the thing and appearing impatient. They're not really
impatient, they're just requesting that which was "promised" minutes ago
and ignored.
However, there's also a developmental aspect to things - a toddler has
NO clue what "2 minutes" is. They are the ultimate in-the-moment people.
There's NOW and everything else, no gradations of time. Granted, we
don't have the new sibling situation (DS is my one and only) but we
found it helpful to use external cues such as "when the commercial is
over" or "when the timer beeps" to give him some sense of when it will
happen. As he got a tad older, we'd tell him what numbers to look for on
the digital clock "when the number right here (all the way to the right)
is 7, that's when it will be". Then he got older and we could say "when
the clock says 4:15" and he could recognize those symbols.
Now at almost 11, he is both patient and not, just like everyone else
really (ever been waiting for something and wanting time to speed up?)
We empathize with impatience, help him work through it as needed, try to
find ways to alleviate it (creating silly word games and such to while
away time in lines for example), etc. And, on occasion when we slip up
and things do get overlooked or rearranged, we apologize for our part in
the situation (if there was something we missed, not a change beyond our
control, though we do commiserate "I know you were expecting that to
happen at 2:00 but the program changed for some reason, don't know why
exactly, let's see what we can find out about when it will be") and try
to get things back on track.
Oh, another thing we did when DS was littler, was to make a list - if we
were out and about and saw something fun (a toy, a sweet, a movie, etc)
that couldn't happen right now (no cash alas), we'd write it down so it
wouldn't get forgotten. That was reassuring to DS, it wasn't left to the
vagaries of mommy's failing memory LOL.
--Deb R
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what he wants/needs, he has come to trust that if we say "yes, in 2
minutes" that it WILL happen, in as close to 2 minutes as we are able to
manage. That seems to lead to developing patience. I've watched
nieces/nephews/friends' kids who have heard "in 2 minutes" only to be
put off again and again so they get in the habit of repeatedly
requesting the thing and appearing impatient. They're not really
impatient, they're just requesting that which was "promised" minutes ago
and ignored.
However, there's also a developmental aspect to things - a toddler has
NO clue what "2 minutes" is. They are the ultimate in-the-moment people.
There's NOW and everything else, no gradations of time. Granted, we
don't have the new sibling situation (DS is my one and only) but we
found it helpful to use external cues such as "when the commercial is
over" or "when the timer beeps" to give him some sense of when it will
happen. As he got a tad older, we'd tell him what numbers to look for on
the digital clock "when the number right here (all the way to the right)
is 7, that's when it will be". Then he got older and we could say "when
the clock says 4:15" and he could recognize those symbols.
Now at almost 11, he is both patient and not, just like everyone else
really (ever been waiting for something and wanting time to speed up?)
We empathize with impatience, help him work through it as needed, try to
find ways to alleviate it (creating silly word games and such to while
away time in lines for example), etc. And, on occasion when we slip up
and things do get overlooked or rearranged, we apologize for our part in
the situation (if there was something we missed, not a change beyond our
control, though we do commiserate "I know you were expecting that to
happen at 2:00 but the program changed for some reason, don't know why
exactly, let's see what we can find out about when it will be") and try
to get things back on track.
Oh, another thing we did when DS was littler, was to make a list - if we
were out and about and saw something fun (a toy, a sweet, a movie, etc)
that couldn't happen right now (no cash alas), we'd write it down so it
wouldn't get forgotten. That was reassuring to DS, it wasn't left to the
vagaries of mommy's failing memory LOL.
--Deb R
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intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
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swissarmy_wife
Admittedly I skimmed through the last couple pages of the article.
I was trying to grasp how they defined "self-control". It seems to me that they were defining self-control by the ability to wait, have patience, or delay gratification. I don't really agree. I think however the kids decided to get the treat they wanted were taking control and doing what they thought necessary to get the treat.
I think patience can be like anything else. Children will learn it when they want to. Some slower than others. My 4 year old is much more patient than my 10 year old. I'm much less patient than my husband. It's not a problem. It's not a developmental delay. It's not that he has no self-control. They/We just take different paths while seeking a particular outcome. It's where problem solving and creativity comes in.
-Heather
I was trying to grasp how they defined "self-control". It seems to me that they were defining self-control by the ability to wait, have patience, or delay gratification. I don't really agree. I think however the kids decided to get the treat they wanted were taking control and doing what they thought necessary to get the treat.
I think patience can be like anything else. Children will learn it when they want to. Some slower than others. My 4 year old is much more patient than my 10 year old. I'm much less patient than my husband. It's not a problem. It's not a developmental delay. It's not that he has no self-control. They/We just take different paths while seeking a particular outcome. It's where problem solving and creativity comes in.
-Heather
--- In [email protected], "amandabpearl" <amanda@...> wrote:
>
> I just read a very interesting article in the May 18 issue of New Yorker. This link to the article should work, but I will also happily PDF it to anyone who emails me off list.
> http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/18/090518fa_fact_lehrer
> The basic idea is that children who exercise self control at a young age have personality or markers for success as adults.
>
> A LOT of the content focuses on school or "skills" acquired in school....not procrastinating on homework, and the like. However, the article was interesting to me in that I would imagine many unschooled children are not exposed to these concepts in a "traditional" way. For instance my 2 1/2 year old daughter finds it difficult to stand in line (I do it for her as needed) or doing a group activity (she likes to wander in and out of the activity) which is fine for our life style, but very different from her acquaintances who have been in preschool from 18 months, or even those who have not yet been to school, but have more controlling parents...some "nature" some "nurture" maybe?
>
> Anyway, while I recognize that each child and family is unique, I am wondering in unschooling families if parents can share some of their observations of when/ how children began to acquire self-control (which in the article seemed to be another word for patience)...especially as this article provoked many thoughts for me (though none particularly doubting unschooling) regarding growing up in a "yes" household and learning patience...typing this I realize it probably originates from my fear of being pregnant with a toddler who does not seem to get the "yes....in 2 minutes" or "yes...as soon as mommy climbs down off the ladder" (or whatever it is) and how that will play out with a new born who has immediate needs...though those are few if you are nursing in a sling :)
>
> Thanks in advance,
> Amanda
>
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "amandabpearl" <amanda@...> wrote:
People of all ages have better impulse control when their needs are being met. Kids needs are often more immediate, so they have less impulse control. Of course, we know that many children can be trained to ignore their needs in order to receive approval, but its worth asking if that's something we want our kids to learn?
I've found that by setting my kids up for success as much as possible, they've both learned some degree of impulse control. Ray, at 15, has marvelous social skills, and is very good at judging for himself whether its good for him to be in certain situations. For example, we don't have any rules about him consuming alcohol - he is welcome to do that if he chooses. But he doesn't like feeling out of control, so he rarely drinks at all and has chosen to miss or leave parties where there's a lot of drinking.
When my kids were each in this stage I found it helped to keep up a running commentary, to keep saying "yes" over and over. So I might say "yes, I am coming down off the ladder, I am half way down the ladder to help you, I am on the floor and walking to the fridge to get that for you..." A toddler has very little concept of time, still. Two minutes is a thousand years! So its really important to keep reassuring your little one that you really are working on getting her what she wants - give frequent updates. That helps her trust that Yes really means Yes.
Being trustworthy in our kids' eyes helps them learn to be trustworthy, themselves. They see what it looks like, but also they learn what it Feels like to be able to trust. That becomes a gift they will delight in offerring in the future.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
> I am wondering in unschooling families if parents can share some of their observations of when/ how children began to acquire self-control...regarding growing up in a "yes" household and learning patience...***********************
People of all ages have better impulse control when their needs are being met. Kids needs are often more immediate, so they have less impulse control. Of course, we know that many children can be trained to ignore their needs in order to receive approval, but its worth asking if that's something we want our kids to learn?
I've found that by setting my kids up for success as much as possible, they've both learned some degree of impulse control. Ray, at 15, has marvelous social skills, and is very good at judging for himself whether its good for him to be in certain situations. For example, we don't have any rules about him consuming alcohol - he is welcome to do that if he chooses. But he doesn't like feeling out of control, so he rarely drinks at all and has chosen to miss or leave parties where there's a lot of drinking.
>>a toddler who does not seem to get the "yes....in 2 minutes" or "yes...as soon as mommy climbs down off the ladder" (or whatever it is) and how that will play out with a new born who has immediate needs...********************
When my kids were each in this stage I found it helped to keep up a running commentary, to keep saying "yes" over and over. So I might say "yes, I am coming down off the ladder, I am half way down the ladder to help you, I am on the floor and walking to the fridge to get that for you..." A toddler has very little concept of time, still. Two minutes is a thousand years! So its really important to keep reassuring your little one that you really are working on getting her what she wants - give frequent updates. That helps her trust that Yes really means Yes.
Being trustworthy in our kids' eyes helps them learn to be trustworthy, themselves. They see what it looks like, but also they learn what it Feels like to be able to trust. That becomes a gift they will delight in offerring in the future.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)