Seeking "better" responses
Michelle Thedaker
I had a big "screwup" moment this afternoon with my 5yo son, and I'm asking
for some feedback and ideas to help me improve my response the next time a
similar situation arises. I'm ready for everyone to be honest and 'beat me
over the head' with unschooling wisdom, lol!
My two boys (9 and 5) were playing a wrestling-type game in my room this
afternoon. This is the one room in the house that I really prefer to keep
somewhat tidy - it's my refuge when *I* get overwhelmed and need a quiet
moment to regroup. They had taken all the dirty clothes and thrown them
around (they were rolling in them, hiding under them, etc.) and then had a
folding chair in there too. I told them that it made me uncomfortable to
have my 'refuge room' looking so chaotic, and if they would please put the
dirty clothes back in the hamper and take out the chair when their wrestling
was finished.
Later in the day I went in the room and it was still a chaotic jumble. I
went to the boys and (not as nicely as I could have, eep), said that they'd
left the mess that they had agreed to pick up for me. My 9yo went in to
clean it, but the 5yo was suddenly "too tired" (his code word for being
overwhelmed by the job). This is where I *really* screwed up - I *demanded*
that he help his brother clean it up, and when he went into my room and
climbed into my bed to "nap", I got angry and sent him to his room.
*sigh* Not handled so well, huh? I know that I could have just put the
dirty clothes away myself in less than 10 seconds and that would be that.
It wasn't about the mess, now that I think about it. It was that *my*
feelings were hurt that after explaining to them how important it was to me
that my room be tidy for *me*, the 5yo didn't honor that. And yeah...he's
5. Probably a bit much for me to expect of him, isn't it?
So....lay it on. I *kinda* know what went wrong here, but I'm still pretty
stuck on feeling that I need to "teach" the 5yo to be more respectful of
other people's spaces (he does this in his brother's room as well - makes a
*major* mess and refuses to help put it to rights). Please help me
rethink/reframe this - I know it is *my* problem!
Michelle
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
for some feedback and ideas to help me improve my response the next time a
similar situation arises. I'm ready for everyone to be honest and 'beat me
over the head' with unschooling wisdom, lol!
My two boys (9 and 5) were playing a wrestling-type game in my room this
afternoon. This is the one room in the house that I really prefer to keep
somewhat tidy - it's my refuge when *I* get overwhelmed and need a quiet
moment to regroup. They had taken all the dirty clothes and thrown them
around (they were rolling in them, hiding under them, etc.) and then had a
folding chair in there too. I told them that it made me uncomfortable to
have my 'refuge room' looking so chaotic, and if they would please put the
dirty clothes back in the hamper and take out the chair when their wrestling
was finished.
Later in the day I went in the room and it was still a chaotic jumble. I
went to the boys and (not as nicely as I could have, eep), said that they'd
left the mess that they had agreed to pick up for me. My 9yo went in to
clean it, but the 5yo was suddenly "too tired" (his code word for being
overwhelmed by the job). This is where I *really* screwed up - I *demanded*
that he help his brother clean it up, and when he went into my room and
climbed into my bed to "nap", I got angry and sent him to his room.
*sigh* Not handled so well, huh? I know that I could have just put the
dirty clothes away myself in less than 10 seconds and that would be that.
It wasn't about the mess, now that I think about it. It was that *my*
feelings were hurt that after explaining to them how important it was to me
that my room be tidy for *me*, the 5yo didn't honor that. And yeah...he's
5. Probably a bit much for me to expect of him, isn't it?
So....lay it on. I *kinda* know what went wrong here, but I'm still pretty
stuck on feeling that I need to "teach" the 5yo to be more respectful of
other people's spaces (he does this in his brother's room as well - makes a
*major* mess and refuses to help put it to rights). Please help me
rethink/reframe this - I know it is *my* problem!
Michelle
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
***sigh* Not handled so well, huh? I know that I could have just put the
dirty clothes away myself in less than 10 seconds and that would be that.
It wasn't about the mess, now that I think about it. It was that *my*
feelings were hurt that after explaining to them how important it was to me
that my room be tidy for *me*, the 5yo didn't honor that. And yeah...he's
5. Probably a bit much for me to expect of him, isn't it?**
I think you went wrong when you asked them to put things back after they
were done wrestling and then left the room. Really, it was pretty predictable
at that point, that you'd come back later to find things as they were when
you left, or worse. In the excitement of wrestling, they won't remember. When
they quit because they're tired, they won't remember.
If it were me, I would have asked them not to wrestle in my room, to move
to another spot. I would have offered to set it up for them. I would have
said "No, it is not okay for you to wrestle in my room."
It's pretty unrealistic to expect that you can keep a spot as a refuge by
having folks clean up after they're done messing it. Far easier to keep it
unmessed in the first place, by moving these activities to the designated
messy areas of the house.
It really is okay to say "This one place I need to keep for me."
Deborah in IL
**************
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dirty clothes away myself in less than 10 seconds and that would be that.
It wasn't about the mess, now that I think about it. It was that *my*
feelings were hurt that after explaining to them how important it was to me
that my room be tidy for *me*, the 5yo didn't honor that. And yeah...he's
5. Probably a bit much for me to expect of him, isn't it?**
I think you went wrong when you asked them to put things back after they
were done wrestling and then left the room. Really, it was pretty predictable
at that point, that you'd come back later to find things as they were when
you left, or worse. In the excitement of wrestling, they won't remember. When
they quit because they're tired, they won't remember.
If it were me, I would have asked them not to wrestle in my room, to move
to another spot. I would have offered to set it up for them. I would have
said "No, it is not okay for you to wrestle in my room."
It's pretty unrealistic to expect that you can keep a spot as a refuge by
having folks clean up after they're done messing it. Far easier to keep it
unmessed in the first place, by moving these activities to the designated
messy areas of the house.
It really is okay to say "This one place I need to keep for me."
Deborah in IL
**************
The Average US Credit Score is 692. See Yours in
Just 2 Easy Steps!
(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1221421325x1201417411/aol?redir=http:%2F%2Fwww.freecreditreport.com%2Fpm%2Fdefault.aspx%3Fsc
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "Michelle Thedaker" <michelle@...> wrote:
People are genuinely respectful when they have a reason to be - when they find another person worthy of esteem. Offering kids respect on a regular basis helps them have the ability to respect others. But even when your 5yo is full to the brim with love and respect, he won't always have ability to do anything about it - he'll be overwhelmed or tired or just not have enough impulse control. So you can show him even more respect and generosity by helping him out in those moments.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>> *sigh* Not handled so well, huh?Have you appologised? You can still do it. Let him know that you screwed up, that you know it, that you're sorry. The good thing about screwing up is that you have the opportunity to turn things around, to mend the relationship, And to model taking responsibility for your mistakes. Hooray (ouch)!
>It was that *my*Definitely too much to expect. Its okay to talk about your feelings being hurt *if* you can do it in a way that's not going to load your guy down with guilt or an expectation that he's responsible for your feelings. If not, don't bring it up. Its good that You know what it was that made you react the way you did. Maybe next time you'll remember sooner and have a better response ready.
> feelings were hurt that after explaining to them how important it was to me
> that my room be tidy for *me*, the 5yo didn't honor that. And yeah...he's
> 5. Probably a bit much for me to expect of him, isn't it?
>> I *kinda* know what went wrong here, but I'm still prettyIts not the sort of thing that can be taught - what you're talking about isn't even one idea, its a whole mass of concepts rolled together. Think about what's involved in "being respectful of others' spaces" - there's awareness of the environment, ownership, personal boundaries, personal standards, Plus impulse control, thoughfulness, and the ability to budget ones' energy. Whew! That's more than some adults can handle every single day, let alone a five year old!
> stuck on feeling that I need to "teach" the 5yo to be more respectful of
> other people's spaces
People are genuinely respectful when they have a reason to be - when they find another person worthy of esteem. Offering kids respect on a regular basis helps them have the ability to respect others. But even when your 5yo is full to the brim with love and respect, he won't always have ability to do anything about it - he'll be overwhelmed or tired or just not have enough impulse control. So you can show him even more respect and generosity by helping him out in those moments.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)