Wendy

My 12 year old son has been attached at the hip, so to speak, for 2 years. it all started at walmart. When we were there, he would go off on tangents on a million dirfferent isles.... I finally got tired of it, ( a trip that should have taken 30 minutes would take 2 hours), and told him come with me, I am going on.... he didn't. He did promptly find the nearest associate and have me paged... but since then, it has been a nightmare. He absolutely freaks if I try to go anywhere without him. He says that he is afraid that something horrible will happen to me and if he's there he can stop it, and if he can't, he wants it to happen to him too.... Help Please! I am going out of my mind.. No time to myself, no friends and no time alone with my husband. Has anyone else been through this

Joyce Fetteroll

On Mar 21, 2009, at 2:43 AM, Wendy wrote:

> He says that he is afraid that something horrible will happen to me
> and if he's there he can stop it, and if he can't, he wants it to
> happen to him too....

It's not uncommon. From a quick Google, it says about 4-5% of kids
suffer separation anxiety. Unfortunately most of the pages approach
it as a disorder (where the money, of course, is) :-/ when what he
really needs are coping strategies including relaxation techniques
(which no one makes money off of, unless you take a yoga or
meditation class together :-).

Right now he has very real feelings he just doesn't know what to do
with other than cling to you. Fortunately there are some reasonable
pages about that.

Google: "separation anxiety" teens relaxation" which will hopefully
lead to more good stuff.

Here's a few pages. You'll need to pull out the helpful stuff from
the conventional parenting practices.

http://www.drcomeau.com/Teen-Anxiety.htm

http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/start.php

http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/pdfs/hmseparation.pdf

Joyce

jeangarretto

--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
My daughter has seperation anxiety. I started by leaving her for 15 minutes at a time.I let her know I had my phone if she really needed me.This gave her reassurance that if there was an emergency I could get ahold her. When I return I let her know that everything is fine. Each time I made it alittle longer. With her being able to call me if needed made her feel alittle better. I still have problems with her, atleast now I can get a break for even a few minuts. Even if it is driving around listening to the radio.
> On Mar 21, 2009, at 2:43 AM, Wendy wrote:
>
> > He says that he is afraid that something horrible wil l happen to me
> > and if he's there he can stop it, and if he can't, he wants it to
> > happen to him too....
>
> It's not uncommon. From a quick Google, it says about 4-5% of kids
> suffer separation anxiety. Unfortunately most of the pages approach
> it as a disorder (where the money, of course, is) :-/ when what he
> really needs are coping strategies including relaxation techniques
> (which no one makes money off of, unless you take a yoga or
> meditation class together :-).
>
> Right now he has very real feelings he just doesn't know what to do
> with other than cling to you. Fortunately there are some reasonable
> pages about that.
>
> Google: "separation anxiety" teens relaxation" which will hopefully
> lead to more good stuff.
>
> Here's a few pages. You'll need to pull out the helpful stuff from
> the conventional parenting practices.
>
> http://www.drcomeau.com/Teen-Anxiety.htm
>
> http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/start.php
>
> http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/pdfs/hmseparation.pdf
>
> Joyce
>

Lisa

While I am sure it was never your intent you have taught your son that you can't be trusted! You left him ... you asked him to come and he wasn't in a place that he could stop what he was doing and come along and you left! I am of course never saying that you would have really left him as in left the building but to him it was very real.. he was lost! You were gone! He had to go and ask a stranger to help him instead of the person he knew and trusted ! He was at a stage that he needed you to be there with him for him to explore and take it all in... your need was to move things along and communication broke down! It may be that his fear that something will happen to you is him expressing in a "safe" way that when you left his trust was so shattered he just KNEW something bad had to have happened to you because you would never leave him on purpose!

Now deep breath... ouch ..stretch your toes that I just stepped on! Perhaps you could begin to rebuild his trust by having a conversation before you go somewhere about how long you have that you can be in that place... what you intend to do at that location and suggest things he might like to look at too... give him some time and let him move as far away as he is comfortable. Make sure to remind him of where you are ... I often will say to one of mine ... I am stepping one aisle over to get dish soap.. do you want to come along or stay here ? Or I need to get something somewhere else can you finish up in a few minutes or do you want to come with me and then come back if you need more time?

There are times when I really need to do something quickly... I can't spend hours looking around at different things so I say that before getting out of the car. I might show my 7 yr old on my watch that we have 10 minutes to do this errand and put him in charge of making sure we stick to that time. Sometimes no one is happy we don't have more time... validate that feeling of disappointment and find a way to return or meet that need in some other way. We don't always have hours we can spend trolling around in a store but I think we can all agree we all have "that" place that we could spend hours and hours and never get tired of being there (bead stores and book stores come to mind for me!) My husband could spend eternity in electronics stores... my eyelashes begin to ache from boredom after about 3 1/2 minutes but he LOVES it... I have to change my mindset in those instances and look at it as spending time WITH him not IN an electronics store.

You are going to have to do some honest talking with your son... apologize for breaking his trust and leaving him and then begin working on a way to meet his need and your need. Start over on building that autonomy he used to have... you built that in him before so you know how to do it... you just had a small stumble because you got frustrated and allowed mainstream thinking to seep in!

Peace,
Lisa B






--- In [email protected], "Wendy" <islandwitch@...> wrote:
>
> My 12 year old son has been attached at the hip, so to speak, for 2 years. it all started at walmart. When we were there, he would go off on tangents on a million dirfferent isles.... I finally got tired of it, ( a trip that should have taken 30 minutes would take 2 hours), and told him come with me, I am going on.... he didn't. He did promptly find the nearest associate and have me paged... but since then, it has been a nightmare. He absolutely freaks if I try to go anywhere without him. He says that he is afraid that something horrible will happen to me and if he's there he can stop it, and if he can't, he wants it to happen to him too.... Help Please! I am going out of my mind.. No time to myself, no friends and no time alone with my husband. Has anyone else been through this
>

Pam Sorooshian

On 3/20/2009 11:43 PM, Wendy wrote:
> He says that he is afraid that something horrible will happen to me and if he's there he can stop it, and if he can't, he wants it to happen to him too.... Help Please! I am going out of my mind.. No time to myself, no friends and no time alone with my husband. Has anyone else been through this
>
>

Would he be willing to be apart if you both have cell phones and he can
call you and you'll answer at any time?

When my now-18 yo was about 11 and 12, she wanted to spend the night at
her friend's house, but she didn't want to be away from me, either. One
night she stayed there all night and called me every single hour - all
night long. I was pretty exhausted, but she really wanted to be there in
spite of her anxiety.

Also, why no time with friends or your husband? You mean no time without
your son, with them, right? He isn't stopping you from being with other
people along with him, is he?

-pam