Long addendum to my problems
N CONFER
Ding! Ding! Ding!
I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop in this thread. The whole conversation sounds like there is something else going on in the background. And here it is:
"We are stuck in bankruptcy for a while, and he has to be the
"breadwinner" . I even fear that this stress will send me into
depression again, so that makes it all the more urgent feeling to "get
it settled"."
Sorry if I missed you mentioning this at the beginning of the thread.
But isn't it just like us as human beings to become more upset about things that seem to be within our control, to try to control them, to force that issue, when other things, like our finances, are out of our control?
This is a huge weight on any family. And many families are going through tough financial times. Tougher than usual. :)
We cannot expect to make rational, reasonable, productive, positive changes on one front when we are suffering under the stress of this sort of burden on another. They are not separate issues. They are connected.
How about talking about that with DH? How stressed out the whole family is right now. How to be kind to one another while getting through the financial mess. How to get comfortable enough for now, without the urgent need to get anything settled, without deciding who is right and who is wrong, without blame, without another layer of stress on top of the backbreaking, sleep-losing, anxiety of current finances.
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop in this thread. The whole conversation sounds like there is something else going on in the background. And here it is:
"We are stuck in bankruptcy for a while, and he has to be the
"breadwinner" . I even fear that this stress will send me into
depression again, so that makes it all the more urgent feeling to "get
it settled"."
Sorry if I missed you mentioning this at the beginning of the thread.
But isn't it just like us as human beings to become more upset about things that seem to be within our control, to try to control them, to force that issue, when other things, like our finances, are out of our control?
This is a huge weight on any family. And many families are going through tough financial times. Tougher than usual. :)
We cannot expect to make rational, reasonable, productive, positive changes on one front when we are suffering under the stress of this sort of burden on another. They are not separate issues. They are connected.
How about talking about that with DH? How stressed out the whole family is right now. How to be kind to one another while getting through the financial mess. How to get comfortable enough for now, without the urgent need to get anything settled, without deciding who is right and who is wrong, without blame, without another layer of stress on top of the backbreaking, sleep-losing, anxiety of current finances.
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
~~But isn't it just like us as human beings to become more upset about things that seem to be within our control, to try to control them, to force that issue, when other things, like our finances, are out of our control?~~
This is my dh to a "t". Not that all of us don't act certain ways when things feel out of control, but some people have a higher need to find some level of control.
Money is tight again for us, more than usual because real estate is sloooooowww. A closing we expected in April just fell through yesterday so there is more worry every month. BUT, I think it's kinda cute the way he cleans the kitchen EVERY morning and night. If we leave three dishes in the sink he's out there cleaning up.
He's learned (over many years and a LOT of discussion) that his needs are his needs and other members of the family just aren't going to see it the same way. So he controls his environment but doesn't expect us to join that effort in the same manner.:)
Knowing his needs, I am more aware than I would be on my own....but I can do this only because there AREN'T the expectations from him. That only hurt our relationship in the past. I don't have great advice for families dealing with these issues because a lot of it is personal growth and relationships and every situation is so different.
But I can see when he's amping up his cleaning efforts it's one method of keeping control over the things he can, when other things feel really out of control. Interesting stuff.
Ren
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
This is my dh to a "t". Not that all of us don't act certain ways when things feel out of control, but some people have a higher need to find some level of control.
Money is tight again for us, more than usual because real estate is sloooooowww. A closing we expected in April just fell through yesterday so there is more worry every month. BUT, I think it's kinda cute the way he cleans the kitchen EVERY morning and night. If we leave three dishes in the sink he's out there cleaning up.
He's learned (over many years and a LOT of discussion) that his needs are his needs and other members of the family just aren't going to see it the same way. So he controls his environment but doesn't expect us to join that effort in the same manner.:)
Knowing his needs, I am more aware than I would be on my own....but I can do this only because there AREN'T the expectations from him. That only hurt our relationship in the past. I don't have great advice for families dealing with these issues because a lot of it is personal growth and relationships and every situation is so different.
But I can see when he's amping up his cleaning efforts it's one method of keeping control over the things he can, when other things feel really out of control. Interesting stuff.
Ren
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com