Karen James

My husband's parents have been generally unsupportive of our ways of living
since we had our son, who is now 6 years old. We had a period of about two
years where we had very little contact with them. Without going into
detail, I will just say that their constant criticism of our parenting
decisions finally came to an unhappy, but inevitable temporary conclusion.
Since that time, I have been trying to work on being compassionate toward
them--understanding that their ways of living are good and decent, and that
they undoubtedly wish the best for us. Unfortunately, their idea of "best"
is *their* idea exclusively, and if we don't conform to that, we are
bombarded with constant questions, criticisms and strange passive aggressive
behaviours. Regardless, we have chosen to continue our way of life with our
son, which includes unschooling him--"homeschooling" to them (the term
unschooling, as well as the lifestyle choice, would be too threatening a
concept for them to grasp openly). They seem absolutely unwilling to even
accept the idea of our keeping our son out of school. Every conversation
they have with our son, they ask him how school is going. When he says we
homeschool, they give him the silent treatment. Just the other day they
sent a card addressed to our son asking for a "school photo" of him, because
they have one of their other grandson.

My question is how do I deal with this? I want to be understanding of their
beliefs and fears, however, they are not easy to talk to, and they both feel
incredibly threatened by people who choose to live differently from them. I
also want our son to have a decent relationship with his grandparents, aunt
and cousin. Has anyone had this experience with family or friends? Is
there hope of a happy resolution?

Thanks in advance.

Karen James.

--
�If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
moment.� --Tibetan


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tammy Curry

Well, we get tons of requests for school pictures. So we try to make sure we take pictures (I am missing a working digi cam right now and have been using disposable ones we get developed on CD at Walmart) and send them to everyone. I fix them up myself and we take pictures of everything. Our family is about 6 hours away from us so we upload to Walgreens, pay for the prints that they have requested and they can pick them up when it is convenient for them. This is accomplishing two things. Everyone gets current pictures and it displays the things that they are doing. We have taken pictures of our daughter engrossed in a book. Our son building blocks, field trips, park days, you name it. They get to see "school" photos and see that the kids are not just sitting doing nothing, though there are plenty of those as well come to think of it. We have even taken pictures of art work or scanned it in and done the same thing. It has lessened the negative attitude on
many sides. As for the always present question on socialization I have pictures of the kids playing with their friends, talking to the librarian, etc. Excellent documentary of their lives. I also often email my daughter's writings that she chooses to different family members. I have taken down short stories my son has come up with and sent those as well. I make sure everyone has access to our homeschool blog, which needs updating.

It is a lot of work but we get to show off everything, we have fun and well the family is coming around to our side slowly but surely. Of course my younger brothers, who are not parents themsevles yet, have always thought Sissy was weird so their views are nothing new.


Tammy Curry, Director of Chaos
http://tammycurry.blogspot.com/
http://crazy-homeschool-adventures.blogspot.com/
http://myspace.com/mamabeart00





________________________________
From: Karen James <semajrak@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 7:42:57 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Parents and unschooling...

My husband's parents have been generally unsupportive of our ways of living
since we had our son, who is now 6 years old. We had a period of about two
years where we had very little contact with them. Without going into
detail, I will just say that their constant criticism of our parenting
decisions finally came to an unhappy, but inevitable temporary conclusion.
Since that time, I have been trying to work on being compassionate toward
them--understanding that their ways of living are good and decent, and that
they undoubtedly wish the best for us. Unfortunately, their idea of "best"
is *their* idea exclusively, and if we don't conform to that, we are
bombarded with constant questions, criticisms and strange passive aggressive
behaviours. Regardless, we have chosen to continue our way of life with our
son, which includes unschooling him--"homeschooling" to them (the term
unschooling, as well as the lifestyle choice, would be too threatening a
concept for them to grasp openly). They seem absolutely unwilling to even
accept the idea of our keeping our son out of school. Every conversation
they have with our son, they ask him how school is going. When he says we
homeschool, they give him the silent treatment. Just the other day they
sent a card addressed to our son asking for a "school photo" of him, because
they have one of their other grandson.

My question is how do I deal with this? I want to be understanding of their
beliefs and fears, however, they are not easy to talk to, and they both feel
incredibly threatened by people who choose to live differently from them. I
also want our son to have a decent relationship with his grandparents, aunt
and cousin. Has anyone had this experience with family or friends? Is
there hope of a happy resolution?

Thanks in advance.

Karen James.

--
“If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
moment.” --Tibetan


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



------------------------------------

Yahoo! Groups Links






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Carolyn

Hi, we actually participated in a "Homeschool Picture Day" that a local homeschool family put on (the dad has a studio set up in their garage). We got the full package of photos -- wallet size on up. I'm assuming you could do the same thing at a commercial photo place...

I know the photo thing is only one little part, but maybe for your relatives it's important to have "things" they can show their friends about their grandkids...and the photo is tangible proof of something? Hmmm...

We have a similar situation with my MIL...we just don't talk about our home (un) schooling life with her...just try to focus on all the cool, fun, "educational" things we are doing (she's a former school teacher...). So I feel your pain!

Carolyn
wahoowinklers.blogspot.com

--- In [email protected], Karen James <semajrak@...> wrote:
<SNIP> Just the other day they
> sent a card addressed to our son asking for a "school photo" of him, because
> they have one of their other grandson.
>
> My question is how do I deal with this? I want to be understanding of their
> beliefs and fears, however, they are not easy to talk to, and they both feel
> incredibly threatened by people who choose to live differently from them. I
> also want our son to have a decent relationship with his grandparents, aunt
> and cousin. Has anyone had this experience with family or friends? Is
> there hope of a happy resolution?
>
> Thanks in advance.
>
> Karen James.
>
> --
> �If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
> moment.� --Tibetan
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Tamara Griesel

Where we live there are a couple of homeschool groups who are offering to take school pictures.  One is even putting together a yearbook!
 
Tamara


--- On Thu, 3/12/09, Tammy Curry <mamabeart00@...> wrote:

From: Tammy Curry <mamabeart00@...>
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Parents and unschooling...
To: [email protected]
Date: Thursday, March 12, 2009, 10:45 AM






Well, we get tons of requests for school pictures. So we try to make sure we take pictures (I am missing a working digi cam right now and have been using disposable ones we get developed on CD at Walmart) and send them to everyone. I fix them up myself and we take pictures of everything. Our family is about 6 hours away from us so we upload to Walgreens, pay for the prints that they have requested and they can pick them up when it is convenient for them. This is accomplishing two things. Everyone gets current pictures and it displays the things that they are doing. We have taken pictures of our daughter engrossed in a book. Our son building blocks, field trips, park days, you name it. They get to see "school" photos and see that the kids are not just sitting doing nothing, though there are plenty of those as well come to think of it. We have even taken pictures of art work or scanned it in and done the same thing. It has lessened the negative attitude on
many sides. As for the always present question on socialization I have pictures of the kids playing with their friends, talking to the librarian, etc. Excellent documentary of their lives. I also often email my daughter's writings that she chooses to different family members. I have taken down short stories my son has come up with and sent those as well. I make sure everyone has access to our homeschool blog, which needs updating.

It is a lot of work but we get to show off everything, we have fun and well the family is coming around to our side slowly but surely. Of course my younger brothers, who are not parents themsevles yet, have always thought Sissy was weird so their views are nothing new.

Tammy Curry, Director of Chaos
http://tammycurry. blogspot. com/
http://crazy- homeschool- adventures. blogspot. com/
http://myspace. com/mamabeart00


____________ _________ _________ __
From: Karen James <semajrak@gmail. com>
To: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 7:42:57 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Parents and unschooling. ..

My husband's parents have been generally unsupportive of our ways of living
since we had our son, who is now 6 years old. We had a period of about two
years where we had very little contact with them. Without going into
detail, I will just say that their constant criticism of our parenting
decisions finally came to an unhappy, but inevitable temporary conclusion.
Since that time, I have been trying to work on being compassionate toward
them--understanding that their ways of living are good and decent, and that
they undoubtedly wish the best for us. Unfortunately, their idea of "best"
is *their* idea exclusively, and if we don't conform to that, we are
bombarded with constant questions, criticisms and strange passive aggressive
behaviours. Regardless, we have chosen to continue our way of life with our
son, which includes unschooling him--"homeschooling " to them (the term
unschooling, as well as the lifestyle choice, would be too threatening a
concept for them to grasp openly). They seem absolutely unwilling to even
accept the idea of our keeping our son out of school. Every conversation
they have with our son, they ask him how school is going. When he says we
homeschool, they give him the silent treatment. Just the other day they
sent a card addressed to our son asking for a "school photo" of him, because
they have one of their other grandson.

My question is how do I deal with this? I want to be understanding of their
beliefs and fears, however, they are not easy to talk to, and they both feel
incredibly threatened by people who choose to live differently from them. I
also want our son to have a decent relationship with his grandparents, aunt
and cousin. Has anyone had this experience with family or friends? Is
there hope of a happy resolution?

Thanks in advance.

Karen James.

--
“If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
moment.” --Tibetan

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------ --------- --------- ------

Yahoo! Groups Links

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

--- In [email protected], Karen James <semajrak@...> wrote:
>> My question is how do I deal with this?

What are your son's feelings about it? Does he say? Are feelings the sorts of things y'all talk about? Some kids are really good at talking about feelings at a young age (Ray was, but not Mo) and it could be really helpful to him to let him know, if he's upset about the way his grandparents treat him, that it upsets you, too. Ultimately, he's the one who will decide whether or not to have a relationship with them.

> My question is how do I deal with this? I want to be understanding of their
> beliefs and fears, however, they are not easy to talk to, and they both feel
> incredibly threatened by people who choose to live differently from them.

One thing you can do is be really clear about your boundaries. You can say "we don't do school, so don't say the word." If you want to be kinder, you can offer them a list of open ended questions they can ask. Keep in mind that without "what are you doing in school" most adults feel utterly at a loss when it comes to talking to and about children - its all they know. Offer them something else. Even better, if you want to be really nice, is to give them regular things to talk about. Send postcards or keep a blog. Keep them in the loop.

>>Just the other day they
> sent a card addressed to our son asking for a "school photo" of him, because
> they have one of their other grandson.

Are you near a Walmart? They have photo centers that do something exactly like a school photo - same sizes, same sorts of backdrops, the whole nine yards. Lots of homeschoolers do that for family.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)

Karen James

Thank you Tammy and Meredith,

We do have a family blog, but we have not invited my husband's parents to
view it because we are afraid of their reaction. I was thinking of sending
them a small book of photos dedicated to activities we have done this year,
with little blurbs about what we were doing and what we enjoyed.

Just today we sent them a school-like photo we took here at home. Ethan
wrote them a little note to go with it, with lots of coloured pens. We had
fun with it.

My son is confused and thinks that his grandparents don't remember who he
is. This is what he has told us. As I mentioned, we haven't been in close
contact with them for a couple years. We talked to Ethan about how it is
difficult for some people to understand different ways of living in the
world when they feel sure that their way is best, and assured him that they
do remember him and think the world of him. I think that my husband's
parents think that we are making a big mistake, and they are worried that
Ethan will suffer somehow because of our choices.

Perhaps I could try monthly updates in the mail. They don't like emails. I
have to admit, I am a bit nervous. I have been the biggest brunt of their
criticism, and I feel vulnerable an defensive. I don't want to let that
stop me though. It would be great if I could help mend this relationship.

Thanks for the suggestions and the time you have taken to reply.

--Karen.



On Thu, Mar 12, 2009 at 7:39 PM, Meredith <meredith@...> wrote:

> --- In [email protected]<unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>,
> Karen James <semajrak@...> wrote:
> >> My question is how do I deal with this?
>
> What are your son's feelings about it? Does he say? Are feelings the sorts
> of things y'all talk about? Some kids are really good at talking about
> feelings at a young age (Ray was, but not Mo) and it could be really helpful
> to him to let him know, if he's upset about the way his grandparents treat
> him, that it upsets you, too. Ultimately, he's the one who will decide
> whether or not to have a relationship with them.
>
> > My question is how do I deal with this? I want to be understanding of
> their
> > beliefs and fears, however, they are not easy to talk to, and they both
> feel
> > incredibly threatened by people who choose to live differently from them.
>
> One thing you can do is be really clear about your boundaries. You can say
> "we don't do school, so don't say the word." If you want to be kinder, you
> can offer them a list of open ended questions they can ask. Keep in mind
> that without "what are you doing in school" most adults feel utterly at a
> loss when it comes to talking to and about children - its all they know.
> Offer them something else. Even better, if you want to be really nice, is to
> give them regular things to talk about. Send postcards or keep a blog. Keep
> them in the loop.
>
> >>Just the other day they
> > sent a card addressed to our son asking for a "school photo" of him,
> because
> > they have one of their other grandson.
>
> Are you near a Walmart? They have photo centers that do something exactly
> like a school photo - same sizes, same sorts of backdrops, the whole nine
> yards. Lots of homeschoolers do that for family.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>
>
>



--
�If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
moment.� --Tibetan


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

N CONFER

You know.... these people are ticking me off!

"Perhaps I could try monthly updates in the mail. They don't like emails.. . "

They don't like emails. They demand "school" pictures. They criticize and otherwise seem not to accept the decisions that have been made by their adult children.

And they have hurt and confused their grandchild!

These are the sort of people who don't get pictures or a civil response of any kind, after a very short while.

How about, here are some pictures online. Here's an email. That's all I have time for because I adore my children and want to spend time with them and we don't do school, we enjoy life, and if that's sooooo hard to understand, then you just have more to bitch and moan about.

And put that burden down and get on with having fun with the family, snapping pix when you want and sending them to people who are making some sort of decent effort to care about the people you actually are instead of their idea of what you should be.

I told you they were ticking me off. :)

Nance



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Verna

>
> We do have a family blog, but we have not invited my husband's parents to
> view it because we are afraid of their reaction. I was thinking of sending
> them a small book of photos dedicated to activities we have done this year,
> with little blurbs about what we were doing and what we enjoyed.
>
at Christmas this year, I send my mother in law a album through walgreens. they bind it and everything and you just paste in your pictures.

honestly, i think the only thing to do with questions like that for ME is to pretend ingnorance and assume they dont mean anything. you could get a picture at walmart if they are wanting to hang one of each of the grandkids.

Melissa

> >. Just the other day they
> sent a card addressed to our son asking for a "school photo" of him, because
> they have one of their other grandson.


My mother bitched about the school photo thing. So, on our first day of unschooling we went digging for fossils. The kids were sweating and full of mud. I took a photo. I thought it was so beautiful. I sent it to her and put that it was the first day of school. I told her that they learned more on that day than most kids learn in a month. I felt the photo was a TRUE SCHOOL PHOTO. She didn't get my point, but I enjoyed rubbing it in her face anyway :) Also, I have taken them to parks and taken nice close up photos with the trees in the back ground. Of course they are wearing homeschooling shirts. I send those. They say that pictures are worth a thousand words.
Melissa- Ocala

Melissa

Wow- can I print this and put it on my mirror? I LOVE IT!!! So true. You are my new inspiration. I am so motivated right now. THanks for lighting my spark!.
Melissa-Ocala

--- In [email protected], N CONFER <marbleface@...> wrote:
>
> You know.... these people are ticking me off!
>
> "Perhaps I could try monthly updates in the mail. They don't like emails.. . "
>
> They don't like emails. They demand "school" pictures. They criticize and otherwise seem not to accept the decisions that have been made by their adult children.
>
> And they have hurt and confused their grandchild!
>
> These are the sort of people who don't get pictures or a civil response of any kind, after a very short while.
>
> How about, here are some pictures online. Here's an email. That's all I have time for because I adore my children and want to spend time with them and we don't do school, we enjoy life, and if that's sooooo hard to understand, then you just have more to bitch and moan about.
>
> And put that burden down and get on with having fun with the family, snapping pix when you want and sending them to people who are making some sort of decent effort to care about the people you actually are instead of their idea of what you should be.
>
> I told you they were ticking me off. :)
>
> Nance
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Karen James

Nance,

Truthfully, I have been longing to hear this kind of response from someone,
because I wanted to know that my feelings of frustration were not unique to
me. So, thanks for that!

However, we have tried not communicating with them beyond the need-to-knows
for a couple years, and that doesn't seem to affect them. Obviously the
criticizing and guilt stopped, but only for lack of words spoken, but not in
any meaningful long-lasting way. As soon as the communication resumed, the
same problems resumed. I would like our family to have a civil relationship
with my in-laws. I would like my son, especially, to have one. They do
have good qualities, and can be very generous. I would like Ethan to know
that side of them. My fear is that it comes at a cost. This behaviour has
had a lasting effect on my husband, which is why he is willing to walk away
from the relationship.

My own mom suggested I just keep interactions at a minimum and talk with
Ethan about the situation--explain to him that they just don't understand
our way of life, but that they do care about him. My mom suggested that if
they say something that we are uncomfortable with, just ignore them. We are
not likely to change their opinion. This is hard for me.

Thanks to everyone for all you ideas and support! I really appreciate it
very much. It is comforting to know that there are people who support each
other in all their colourful glory!

All the best, and thanks again.

Karen, Doug and Ethan.



On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 8:15 AM, N CONFER <marbleface@...> wrote:

> You know.... these people are ticking me off!
>
> "Perhaps I could try monthly updates in the mail. They don't like emails..
> . "
>
> They don't like emails. They demand "school" pictures. They criticize and
> otherwise seem not to accept the decisions that have been made by their
> adult children.
>
> And they have hurt and confused their grandchild!
>
> These are the sort of people who don't get pictures or a civil response of
> any kind, after a very short while.
>
> How about, here are some pictures online. Here's an email. That's all I
> have time for because I adore my children and want to spend time with them
> and we don't do school, we enjoy life, and if that's sooooo hard to
> understand, then you just have more to bitch and moan about.
>
> And put that burden down and get on with having fun with the family,
> snapping pix when you want and sending them to people who are making some
> sort of decent effort to care about the people you actually are instead of
> their idea of what you should be.
>
> I told you they were ticking me off. :)
>
> Nance
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>



--
�If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
moment.� --Tibetan


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

alohabun

--- In [email protected], Karen James <semajrak@...> wrote:
> "As soon as the communication resumed, the same problems resumed."

It sounds like you are saying that your in laws have some good qualities and that if they could treat your husband, son and yourself in a manner in which you all feel loved and accepted you would wish to have them in your life as they would enrich it. However, when you communicate with them, your dh feels troubled and you don't like the way they speak or act. Also, you don't think they will change their values and your family will continue to feel pained by having them in your life.

If you decide to include them in your life, it might be helpful to stop taking *their* opinions to heart. Stop trying to please them. If you aren't worried about how they think you should run your life, then you can enjoy the things you love about each other. In other words, give them acceptance to have their concerns and fears just like you are wishing them to give to you.


> My own mom suggested I just keep interactions at a minimum and talk
> with Ethan about the situation--explain to him that they just don't
> understand our way of life, but that they do care about him.

Sounds like a good idea if you do choose to have them in your life.

How does Ethan feel about them? Does he want more contact or is he okay not having them in his life much?

> My mom suggested that if they say something that we are
> uncomfortable with, just ignore them. We are not likely to change
> their opinion. This is hard for me.

It is hard to accept that others (especially those dear to us or those who we wish shared the same values and opinions) to have their own very different thoughts and opinions.. without trying to change them.
They may someday change, they may not. Can you live with that? Only your family can decide if the positives outweigh the negatives.

One thing I've heard people do is turn conversations around. Like if your in-laws ask why you decided to homeschool or ask if school would be better for Ethan, you could say, "Are you concerned that he is missing out on something he would experience in school?" They will give an answer. You keep turning the questions on to them and at some point thank them for their concern and caring about your son. I bet it is hard for some people to see their children making very different choices then they made and that of the majority of the culture, esp if they were conformists trying to fit in and do what was expected of them.

Also, if your in-laws were not treated with trust growing up, they might have difficulty trusting your husband to make the *right* decisions. And that is their issue. But only your family can decide if you can deal with it or not. Best of luck. Laurie

Karen James

Thank you, Laurie. You have given me more to think about.

>How does Ethan feel about them? Does he want more contact or is he okay not
having them in his life much?

Ethan loves them--he loves everyone though--he's six and has a big heart.
He does not have much contact with them, as we do not live close, and my
husband and I have chosen to keep interactions to a minimum in the last
couple years.

>One thing I've heard people do is turn conversations around. Like if your
in-laws ask why you decided to homeschool or ask if school would be better
for Ethan, you could say, "Are you concerned that he is missing out on
something he would experience in school?" They will give an answer. You keep
turning the questions on to them and at some point thank them for their
concern and caring about your son. I bet it is hard for some people to see
their children making very different choices then they made and that of the
majority of the culture, esp if they were conformists trying to fit in and
do what was expected of them.

I like you this, thanks.

All the best,
Karen.

On Sun, Mar 15, 2009 at 6:07 PM, alohabun <alohabun@...> wrote:

> --- In [email protected]<unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>,
> Karen James <semajrak@...> wrote:
> > "As soon as the communication resumed, the same problems resumed."
>
> It sounds like you are saying that your in laws have some good qualities
> and that if they could treat your husband, son and yourself in a manner in
> which you all feel loved and accepted you would wish to have them in your
> life as they would enrich it. However, when you communicate with them, your
> dh feels troubled and you don't like the way they speak or act. Also, you
> don't think they will change their values and your family will continue to
> feel pained by having them in your life.
>
> If you decide to include them in your life, it might be helpful to stop
> taking *their* opinions to heart. Stop trying to please them. If you aren't
> worried about how they think you should run your life, then you can enjoy
> the things you love about each other. In other words, give them acceptance
> to have their concerns and fears just like you are wishing them to give to
> you.
>
> > My own mom suggested I just keep interactions at a minimum and talk
> > with Ethan about the situation--explain to him that they just don't
> > understand our way of life, but that they do care about him.
>
> Sounds like a good idea if you do choose to have them in your life.
>
> How does Ethan feel about them? Does he want more contact or is he okay not
> having them in his life much?
>
> > My mom suggested that if they say something that we are
> > uncomfortable with, just ignore them. We are not likely to change
> > their opinion. This is hard for me.
>
> It is hard to accept that others (especially those dear to us or those who
> we wish shared the same values and opinions) to have their own very
> different thoughts and opinions.. without trying to change them.
> They may someday change, they may not. Can you live with that? Only your
> family can decide if the positives outweigh the negatives.
>
> One thing I've heard people do is turn conversations around. Like if your
> in-laws ask why you decided to homeschool or ask if school would be better
> for Ethan, you could say, "Are you concerned that he is missing out on
> something he would experience in school?" They will give an answer. You keep
> turning the questions on to them and at some point thank them for their
> concern and caring about your son. I bet it is hard for some people to see
> their children making very different choices then they made and that of the
> majority of the culture, esp if they were conformists trying to fit in and
> do what was expected of them.
>
> Also, if your in-laws were not treated with trust growing up, they might
> have difficulty trusting your husband to make the *right* decisions. And
> that is their issue. But only your family can decide if you can deal with it
> or not. Best of luck. Laurie
>
>
>



--
�If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
moment.� --Tibetan

http://www.karenjamess.blogspot.com/
http://jamesfamilyedutrip.blogspot.com/


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ryan

--- In [email protected], Karen James <semajrak@...> wrote:
>
> My husband's parents have been generally unsupportive of our ways of living
> since we had our son, who is now 6 years old.

Karen

I understand where you're coming from, but at least it sounds as if your side of the family is supportive, which is great! In our house, my wife and I made a rule - she deals with her screwed up family and I deal with mine. That's helped a great deal.

My family is a little easier to deal with, since I taught them from the time I was seven or eight that I would make up my own mind, follow my own path, and woe to the person, parent or otherwise, who tried to interfere with me once I'd decided on something. I'm not nice when pushed and don't tolerate second guessing very well. So my family knows to tiptoe around things and generally confine themselves to asking nosey but relatively harmless questions. We don't live near them, so they're not so large a problem.

My wife's family requires a more direct approach. We do live near them and they're far more open in their criticism of my wife's choices, from politics to religion to parenting, you name it, we violate their standards. So we have to take an aggressive line with them. We're totally up front about it. These are the things we do. These are the acceptable boundaries. Do not cross them. Whether or not you continue to have a relationship with your grandchildren is totally up to you. If forcing other people to abide by your beliefs is more important to you than your relationships to those people, then feel free to live alone with your beliefs. I'm just not willing to let my children be criticized and judged and harassed by other people, even if those people are relatives. I sort of follow a simple rule - if I wouldn't let a stranger treat my child in such and such a way, why would I allow a relative to do so?

I'm not very conciliatory about these kinds of things. It's about boundaries. These are my boundaries. Respect them or move on. You don't get extra chances to violate my boundaries just because you're family.

So what we had to do, with both sides of the family, was create a space, closely supervised, where our kids could have positive interactions with their grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins. As soon as things took a bad turn, we left. And we had to be very clear with people that having that space depended on them respecting our boundaries. And I had to be willing, emotionally, to let a relationship go if they just can't find it in themselves to respect my choices.

It isn't easy or pleasant but I've always believed that the only way to deal with people like this, in the long run, is to insist that this is who I am, these are my decisions, this is how my family works, so respect it or else. I haven't found that making concessions to other people's beliefs has ever helped in the long run - it only emboldens them to expect more.

Karen James

Thanks, Ryan.

It has been so helpful to hear all of these stories and opinions. Thanks to
everyone for taking the time to share your experience.

All the best,

Karen.




On Tue, Mar 17, 2009 at 3:09 PM, Ryan <misterbodine@...> wrote:

> --- In [email protected]<unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>,
> Karen James <semajrak@...> wrote:
> >
> > My husband's parents have been generally unsupportive of our ways of
> living
> > since we had our son, who is now 6 years old.
>
> Karen
>
> I understand where you're coming from, but at least it sounds as if your
> side of the family is supportive, which is great! In our house, my wife and
> I made a rule - she deals with her screwed up family and I deal with mine.
> That's helped a great deal.
>
> My family is a little easier to deal with, since I taught them from the
> time I was seven or eight that I would make up my own mind, follow my own
> path, and woe to the person, parent or otherwise, who tried to interfere
> with me once I'd decided on something. I'm not nice when pushed and don't
> tolerate second guessing very well. So my family knows to tiptoe around
> things and generally confine themselves to asking nosey but relatively
> harmless questions. We don't live near them, so they're not so large a
> problem.
>
> My wife's family requires a more direct approach. We do live near them and
> they're far more open in their criticism of my wife's choices, from politics
> to religion to parenting, you name it, we violate their standards. So we
> have to take an aggressive line with them. We're totally up front about it.
> These are the things we do. These are the acceptable boundaries. Do not
> cross them. Whether or not you continue to have a relationship with your
> grandchildren is totally up to you. If forcing other people to abide by your
> beliefs is more important to you than your relationships to those people,
> then feel free to live alone with your beliefs. I'm just not willing to let
> my children be criticized and judged and harassed by other people, even if
> those people are relatives. I sort of follow a simple rule - if I wouldn't
> let a stranger treat my child in such and such a way, why would I allow a
> relative to do so?
>
> I'm not very conciliatory about these kinds of things. It's about
> boundaries. These are my boundaries. Respect them or move on. You don't get
> extra chances to violate my boundaries just because you're family.
>
> So what we had to do, with both sides of the family, was create a space,
> closely supervised, where our kids could have positive interactions with
> their grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins. As soon as things took
> a bad turn, we left. And we had to be very clear with people that having
> that space depended on them respecting our boundaries. And I had to be
> willing, emotionally, to let a relationship go if they just can't find it in
> themselves to respect my choices.
>
> It isn't easy or pleasant but I've always believed that the only way to
> deal with people like this, in the long run, is to insist that this is who I
> am, these are my decisions, this is how my family works, so respect it or
> else. I haven't found that making concessions to other people's beliefs has
> ever helped in the long run - it only emboldens them to expect more.
>
>
>



--
�If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this
moment.� --Tibetan

http://www.karenjamess.blogspot.com/
http://jamesfamilyedutrip.blogspot.com/


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