Kelly Lovejoy

I pulled this from the AlwaysUnschooled list because I thought it could be really helpful here.


 ~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." ~Gandhi




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1.14. What Unschooling looks like was: To censor or not to censor? that is
Posted by: "Danielle Conger" danielle.conger@... danielleconger
Date: Tue Feb 24, 2009 7:05 am ((PST))

There were so many really great responses to this thread when I turned
on my computer this morning. I changed the subject line because it seems
to me that we're going in multiple useful directions, and it may be
worth following each path in its own space.

I'm taking the quotes below out of order because reversing them makes
the most sense to me in terms of my answer.

Orignial Poster wrote:

> How to reach the result you are hoping for- whether it be connection, meeting
everyones needs in the moment, better understanding your childs POV, whatever
the hope is for the outcome of the moment.
>  


By doing it. More and more. By learning from your successes and your
failures because they will all teach you something about yourself and
about your child(ren). And I don't think there's an end to the
journey--the whole thing is a process. It's not like you arrive one day
and are "there"--where ever there may be.

> But I for one would love more CONCRETE examples of how you handle specific
t
hings in each instant. Its one thing to say "we live by such and such instead
and I try to make sure my child feels X instead" but that really doesnt help
someone learn how to do 'such and such'. Like when people say unschooling is not
letting your kid do whatever they want you need to have conversations and dialog
and guidance. But *HOW* do you fit all of that in *before* your child has done
whatever it is that you thought they needed more information about? How do you
say it without them learning to tune it out or sounding like nagging? How do you
tell your child, for example after hitting their brother, that it isnt okay to
hit, without belittling them and shaming them? Its all fine to say things like
stop the hitting in the first place, but that isnt life and reality all of the
time. And people need real examples for real life
> when things do happen which we didnt intend on.

This is why we always ask folks to bring specific examples with specific
details to the list, because it is sooo hard to try to *show* how a
similar scenario might have played out in our house if we don't have
those examples to go on.

For me, and I think for many unschoolers, every single detail matters,
the context matters. How I respond to my kids depends entirely upon
context, which is why being there is so important. If I'm present and
aware of what's going on, what the dynamics are, what the kids are
trying to do, why they're trying to d
o it, what lead up to it, etc. then
I'm better able to respond in a constructive way that addresses all
their needs.

> Having said that, there is still a lot about unschooling that I dont get. Like
when the 'veterans' say things which seem to contradict in every way. To give an
example.... a parent doesnt want to spend X amount of money on something their
child wants, for whatever reason. Unschoolers all jump on saying "why not" and
when the person explains why not the unschoolers say "we didnt mean we buy our
kids everything, BUT...." And in the end I (and possibly the original poster) am
left wondering what the actual answers meant. Can I say no if I have a good
reason? What reason is good enough? If I say no am I being a 'bad unschooler'
even with a good reason? This is not something I need help on, just trying to
give an example.

I thought this was such a great example for me because the way you put
it here made me have my own aha! moment in terms of how I want to be
explaining things. I know much of this has been said in the archives,
but I think that's the trick sometimes with these lists: those posting
regularly have a sense of history that those coming new to the list
don't have. Of course they haven't read all of the archives, so it's
important for those of us who have been posting a long time to keep that
in mind.

Of course it's "okay" to say no, and I think our kids need to know how
to say=2
0no as well. But the question is really more than that--or maybe
it's just that my answer would be more than that.

It's not so much whether to say no or not, but what are the *affects* of
saying no, what does the word no *accomplish*? No is waaay overused in
mainstream parenting culture. I think we'd all agree on that, so the
first step, I think, is just not using it nearly as often. The whole
find a way to say yes instead. No should really be reserved for those
dire moments where someone or something is about to suffer. But there's
more than that, and unschooling parents are willing to go deeper than that.

No can really shut down a conversation rather than opening it up to the
numerous possibilities beyond no. So for problem solving to really take
root, I think the "no" needs to be left out because no doesn't usually
mean just no. More often it means, "I'm tired," or "I don't want to
clean up the mess," or "I'm afraid someone will get hurt," or "we need
to have other priorities right now," or.... there are loads of other
possibilities. Problem solving starts by getting at what's *behind* the
no, and that requires internal work on the parents' part. I talked about
a lot of this at the St. Louis Live & Learn conference--how to rework
and reframe the no in your own mind before it even pops out of your head.

What you say here is so spot on in this regard:

> Because I discovered it early I thought it would come easy. However20I didnt
realize how much I would still need to deschool myself with each new stage of my
sons development.


Unschooling is waaaay more about the parents in a lot of ways than it is
about the kids. The kids are who they are. Especially always unschooled
kids--they're already whole. Our job is to try to keep it that way!

Unschooling is a life-changing journey for so many parents because it
requires so much internal work. We have to unlearn many, many things,
especially those of us who don't come from peaceful or gentle parenting
households, as Maisha was pointing out. Many of us have no models, but
kudos to all of us for seeking them out and being willing to take these
brave steps into the unknown. Meredith talks about feeling "raw"
sometimes when folks are new to the list and hear difficult responses,
but I think really it's the unschooling, the personal work and the
remaking of our psyche that's the root cause of that rawness, that
feeling of being so exposed and vulnerable because we're dismantling all
of our emotional and psychological framework. That's hard, hard work!

But at any rate, to get back to my point...

No isn't the problem. The problem, as I see it, is that the "no" not
only gets in the way of our relationship with our kids, but it also gets
in the way of our relationship with ourselves. No is knee-jerk, and it's
vague, and it's inaccurate most of the time. It's a linguistic veil that
prevents us from knowing our au
thentic selves and from being able to
share that self with our kids.

When we can leave "no" behind and move directly into the communication
about our needs, that's where the problem solving begins.

And, in my family, that is what unschooling looks like. That's what I
mean when I say that "yes" needs to come from an authentic and genuine
place or it's unsustainable, and mom or dad just end up feeling bowled
over and resentful.

So, unschooling, I would say, is beyond yes or no, and more about
authentic communication and dialog and finding solutions that meet
everyone's needs.

It's important to be able to talk about that philosophically and
theoretically because those are the general principles and ideas that
people can then import into their own families and their own lives. But
it's also important to try to demonstrate what that process might look
like in any given concrete scenario. This is why it's so useful to see
unschooling families in action.

There are lots of unschoolers who know me and know my kids. They *know*
that what we do looks nothing like "anything goes." My girls are so
sweet and easy and helpful, and Sam is, too, much of the time. Much more
of the time with every passing year. But he's also a really intense kid
and really explosive in that intensity, so we work a lot together in
terms of limits and boundaries of his actions and the way they impact
others. My goal has been to support him in his journey learning about =0
Ahis intense emotions, to help him embrace that intensity as a beautiful
part of himself, but also how to harness that energy and how to find
coping mechanisms and tools to help him through the explosive side of
that intensity without causing harm to himself or others or to his
relationships. Those are really tough, tough things to learn, but he
amazes me every day with the depth of his passion and the depth of his
self knowledge, and he is my teacher every single blessed day of our
lives together. (and yes, I have tears in my eyes while typing this.)

Anyone who has seen us in action knows that I'm not usually very far
away, and that even as he gets older and more capable, I'm still
constantly checking in, making sure he's okay and in a good space.

When he was younger there were many, many times that I had to step in,
and not all of those moments were successes, but each and every one of
them taught us something about ourselves and about our relationship.
I've preserved a lot of my older posts about Sam at my spirited child
page because I think it's so hard to recapture that in the moment
feeling when we're talking in hindsight.

Ren has a really spirited young guy, too, and we've had our families
together a few times, and it's always interesting to see how Sam and
Jalen interact. Ren and I aren't on the sidelines thinking anything
goes; we're right there, ready to jump in and help negotiate as we see
things start to escalate.20There was one visit where things turned ugly
really quickly, and there was most definitely a no in there. Sam and I
went and sat in the van. He was really mad and spouting that anger. He
wanted to leave right then. I sat with him and listened to him and
trusted him in his process. And he moved through the anger, and everyone
was safe, and he was ready to rejoin the fun.

That's what the process has looked like for us over and over again.
Doing as much as possible to create an environment where Sam can be the
best self he can be, and when that breaks down, I step in quickly to
keep everyone safe, help Sam get to a quiet and safe space where he can
process his intense emotions, listen, be present, be calm, and help him
as much as possible until he feels ready to rejoin the action.


> Personally I have the "is it okay to.." and the "is that unschooly?.."
questions A LOT. A lot more than I ever post here because I can understand it
may be annoying if one person kept coming to ask that for every little thing.

Please always feel welcome to bring questions to this list. It's why it
exists.

> Unless something is described in just the right way, or with enough complete
angles, I find it EXTREMELY difficult to move on with any sort of closure to
that topic. Without closure I cant cement that idea in my mind and use that as a
> balancing beam when the same thing comes up with my children.

This is why it's so
great to have so many different voices because
people learn in so many different ways. What works for one person, won't
necessarily work for the next. And sometimes all we can do is plant the
seeds of ideas that will germinate in people's minds, waiting for the
right moment in *their* lives that will suddenly make it all click.



--
~~Danielle
Emily (11), Julia (10), Sam (8)
http://www.organiclearning.blogspot.com





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