Finding my place in their relationship
Tara
Hi all, my name is Tara, mama to Zeb (9 y.o.) and wife to Justin.
We've been unschooling for a little over two years and for the most
part are doing wonderful. Our challenge seems to mostly be between DH
and DS.
My husband is not my son's bio-dad. We were married when he was
three. However, he has raised him as his son and Zeb thinks of him as
Dad. But DH comes from a much different background than I do. Seen
and not heard, abusive "discipline", ridicule, etc. He sometimes has
a very difficult time not falling back on the things he's learned as
a kid.
I know part of his problem comes from a place of jealousy. He's
stated in many different ways "how good Zeb has it" or how he would
never have gotten away with something or how he wishes he could stay
at home and play all day. :( DH is working very hard right now. Today
was his first day off in nearly a month; he's been working 12 hour
days and is very tired and can get cranky. Of course these reactions
aren't isolated to the times DH is on overtime, but it certainly
makes it worse.
Today we were very excited he had a day off. DS had a golf lesson so
we went early so they could hit some balls for awhile together. DH
enjoyed watching Zeb's golf class for the first time and was so
impressed. Then it was rock climbing with some un- and homeschoolers.
Our first mistake was deciding we were still full from a late
breakfast and opting to skip lunch. I should have known after 3 hours
of rock climbing we'd be famished and tired, which only exaggerated
things. Here's what happened:
We were walking up to a local restaurant for an early dinner. DH was
teasing Zeb, ruffling his hair, etc. Zeb got frustrated when he
wouldn't stop and lashed out at him, hitting his arm away. From my
POV, I can totally relate to how Zeb was feeling - tired, cranky,
hungry, not wanting to be pestered. But DH got so mad! This kind of
thing happens alot. DH thinks he's being loving by teasing
excessively and DS gets angry and the two of them start fighting.
And here I am in the middle. I can empathize with both of them - DH
trying his best, Zeb needing affection in other ways; DH deserving
not to be hit out of anger, Zeb deserving to have his feelings
respected. I would love DH to see that he is the adult and lend some
empathy and leeway (sp?) to Zeb but he feels I should back him up at
all costs. I'm not comfortable backing him up when it really feels
like ganging up on the littlest member of the family.
DH sat angrily thru dinner while me and Zeb let it go and tried to
enjoy ourselves. After dinner DH left quickly while we went to the
bathroom. I talked to Zeb a little about DH's POV and used our own
tiffs as an example - how sometimes when we are having a bad day and
get in a disagreement, if one of us is quick to make amends even
though still angry, we can both come to a place of forgiveness with
each other and ourselves. I asked him if he thought that would help
now. He thought about it for awhile and as we started to drive away,
tried to smooth things over with DH. DH ignored him. >:(
What can I do? I know I can't force DH to come to my understanding -
he doesn't have the benefit of time (or energy) to read blogs or
books or forums. And I don't feel right doing nothing when he upsets
Zeb to the point of tears. I would love to find a way to support
their relationship without feeling as if I have to referee. I'm just
not sure the best route to take here but I'm sure there must be a
better way than being frustrated or justifying behaviors all the time.
~Tara
We've been unschooling for a little over two years and for the most
part are doing wonderful. Our challenge seems to mostly be between DH
and DS.
My husband is not my son's bio-dad. We were married when he was
three. However, he has raised him as his son and Zeb thinks of him as
Dad. But DH comes from a much different background than I do. Seen
and not heard, abusive "discipline", ridicule, etc. He sometimes has
a very difficult time not falling back on the things he's learned as
a kid.
I know part of his problem comes from a place of jealousy. He's
stated in many different ways "how good Zeb has it" or how he would
never have gotten away with something or how he wishes he could stay
at home and play all day. :( DH is working very hard right now. Today
was his first day off in nearly a month; he's been working 12 hour
days and is very tired and can get cranky. Of course these reactions
aren't isolated to the times DH is on overtime, but it certainly
makes it worse.
Today we were very excited he had a day off. DS had a golf lesson so
we went early so they could hit some balls for awhile together. DH
enjoyed watching Zeb's golf class for the first time and was so
impressed. Then it was rock climbing with some un- and homeschoolers.
Our first mistake was deciding we were still full from a late
breakfast and opting to skip lunch. I should have known after 3 hours
of rock climbing we'd be famished and tired, which only exaggerated
things. Here's what happened:
We were walking up to a local restaurant for an early dinner. DH was
teasing Zeb, ruffling his hair, etc. Zeb got frustrated when he
wouldn't stop and lashed out at him, hitting his arm away. From my
POV, I can totally relate to how Zeb was feeling - tired, cranky,
hungry, not wanting to be pestered. But DH got so mad! This kind of
thing happens alot. DH thinks he's being loving by teasing
excessively and DS gets angry and the two of them start fighting.
And here I am in the middle. I can empathize with both of them - DH
trying his best, Zeb needing affection in other ways; DH deserving
not to be hit out of anger, Zeb deserving to have his feelings
respected. I would love DH to see that he is the adult and lend some
empathy and leeway (sp?) to Zeb but he feels I should back him up at
all costs. I'm not comfortable backing him up when it really feels
like ganging up on the littlest member of the family.
DH sat angrily thru dinner while me and Zeb let it go and tried to
enjoy ourselves. After dinner DH left quickly while we went to the
bathroom. I talked to Zeb a little about DH's POV and used our own
tiffs as an example - how sometimes when we are having a bad day and
get in a disagreement, if one of us is quick to make amends even
though still angry, we can both come to a place of forgiveness with
each other and ourselves. I asked him if he thought that would help
now. He thought about it for awhile and as we started to drive away,
tried to smooth things over with DH. DH ignored him. >:(
What can I do? I know I can't force DH to come to my understanding -
he doesn't have the benefit of time (or energy) to read blogs or
books or forums. And I don't feel right doing nothing when he upsets
Zeb to the point of tears. I would love to find a way to support
their relationship without feeling as if I have to referee. I'm just
not sure the best route to take here but I'm sure there must be a
better way than being frustrated or justifying behaviors all the time.
~Tara
tbearup
> Dad. But DH comes from a much different background than I do. SeenHi Tara!
> and not heard, abusive "discipline", ridicule, etc. He sometimes has
> a very difficult time not falling back on the things he's learned as
> a kid.
>
I have some of the same issues with my DH, who came from a similar background. He
came from the anti-unschooling extreme, to say the least. :( To him, he had thing beat
into him (literally) that came from a dominating, aggressive, and controlling father.
When I started unschooling things really rubbed him the wrong way because what we
welcomed into our house (freedom to speak freely, respect for the other person, trust in
our kids, relaxation of a rigorous schedule, etc) was everything he was NOT given and
actually felt was 'wrong' in comparison to what he was taught.
I gently introduced a list of 'basic rights for everyone in our family' list. I realized that
hubby really needed to be rehabilitated and shown a gentler way, because it just wasn't
natural to him. the one thing I had going for me is that he knew how unhappy he was as a
kid growing up, and the last thing he wanted was to make his own child feel that way. It
can be very delicate and sensitive to bring that up, but getting him to make a connection
to how he felt as a kid and how he may be making Z. feel may change his heart a little.
The following are some basic rights to which all parties to a relationship are entitled.
The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately
your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism, judgement, put-downs or ridicule.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outburst and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The basic rights can be found here:
http://thelaughingblogster.blogspot.com/2004/09/basic-rights-in-relationships-
evna.html
I empathize with the 'teasing going too far' situation, as my hubby is an aggressive type
teaser, meaning, he doesn't know when to stop if the other person is getting
annoyed/upset. This also stems from his upbringing. I just refer to the basic rights and
tell him clearly that I (my kids) are not enjoying it. Before, he would say something like,
"You have no sense of humor" or "why are you so uptight". Now, since he's agreed to have
the basic rights be a part of our 'family rules', he apologizes if he crosses the line.
HTH in some way!
Tiff
www.childplay.wordpress.com
Debra Rossing
DH made the same 'confession' many years ago - DS was maybe 5 at the
time (he's 10 now). We had a long, long, late night talk brought about
by some event or situation. He finally said that he was "jealous" of how
good DS had it and that he felt guilty for being jealous. He needed
"permission" or something to allow himself to heal his own younger self
- to go out and get a $5 gadget that looked cool just because he wanted
it (and the funds were available), rather than having to 'earn' it
somehow. I tried to encourage him to think about "How would you have
felt if someone did this for you when you were a kid?" and then go ahead
and allow yourself to do/have/be that. Rather than being
torn/grumpy/jealous/guilty over the differences, he started healing all
those "I wish I had been able to...when I was a kid" things instead of
expecting/demanding that DS somehow show gratitude for the freedoms he
had (which he's never known any different, we started walking in this
lifestyle before DS was 3, he doesn't know anything different but living
life free though he can see it and recognize it in other families we
know). It can be REALLY hard to admit that what he went through was not
somehow a 'good thing', that it hurt him, because it is generally one of
those "I survived it and it made me stronger" or "Everyone does that" or
whatever. But to ADMIT to one's self that No, when my dad/mom did that
it really hurt me and I felt <whatever - hurt, belittled, angry, scared,
etc>" Then move on to "Do you want your child, this child you obviously
love, to feel that way?" Odds are the answer is no but coming to a place
where you can realize that it does NOT have to be that way can be hard,
seeing that there is another way to raise children and live as a family
and all calls into question everything you thought you knew.
As far as the hair ruffling/teasing thing, we have made it clear from
the get go that Stop means Stop whether it's child-child, adult-adult,
or adult-child. Doesn't matter whether it's tickling or silly joking (I
have a tendency toward silly puns that sometimes irritates DS) or
singing along to the CD on the car stereo, Stop means Stop. AFTER the
behavior has stopped, then there can be discussion of how to meet needs
(DH's desire to sing along with a favorite song; DS' need for less sound
- he prefers totally instrumental music to vocals in general; my need to
NOT be stuck in the car between two grumpy people for 2 hours, etc).
Deb R
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time (he's 10 now). We had a long, long, late night talk brought about
by some event or situation. He finally said that he was "jealous" of how
good DS had it and that he felt guilty for being jealous. He needed
"permission" or something to allow himself to heal his own younger self
- to go out and get a $5 gadget that looked cool just because he wanted
it (and the funds were available), rather than having to 'earn' it
somehow. I tried to encourage him to think about "How would you have
felt if someone did this for you when you were a kid?" and then go ahead
and allow yourself to do/have/be that. Rather than being
torn/grumpy/jealous/guilty over the differences, he started healing all
those "I wish I had been able to...when I was a kid" things instead of
expecting/demanding that DS somehow show gratitude for the freedoms he
had (which he's never known any different, we started walking in this
lifestyle before DS was 3, he doesn't know anything different but living
life free though he can see it and recognize it in other families we
know). It can be REALLY hard to admit that what he went through was not
somehow a 'good thing', that it hurt him, because it is generally one of
those "I survived it and it made me stronger" or "Everyone does that" or
whatever. But to ADMIT to one's self that No, when my dad/mom did that
it really hurt me and I felt <whatever - hurt, belittled, angry, scared,
etc>" Then move on to "Do you want your child, this child you obviously
love, to feel that way?" Odds are the answer is no but coming to a place
where you can realize that it does NOT have to be that way can be hard,
seeing that there is another way to raise children and live as a family
and all calls into question everything you thought you knew.
As far as the hair ruffling/teasing thing, we have made it clear from
the get go that Stop means Stop whether it's child-child, adult-adult,
or adult-child. Doesn't matter whether it's tickling or silly joking (I
have a tendency toward silly puns that sometimes irritates DS) or
singing along to the CD on the car stereo, Stop means Stop. AFTER the
behavior has stopped, then there can be discussion of how to meet needs
(DH's desire to sing along with a favorite song; DS' need for less sound
- he prefers totally instrumental music to vocals in general; my need to
NOT be stuck in the car between two grumpy people for 2 hours, etc).
Deb R
**********************************************************************
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
CNC Software, Inc.
www.mastercam.com
**********************************************************************
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
raisingexplorers
I love the basic rights list. What a grand idea.
Something that helped our family was the fact that my husband had
taken anger management before we married.. Hubby has children from a
previous relationship and I can see how his previous behavior hurt
that family. With the anger management course under his belt, he's a
much more stable person and able to react with consideration and
compassion. He's learned to respect the boundaries of others, the kids
included and his anger management techniques really benefit all of us
as we find inspiration in the way he handles situations. In the past,
he's credited that course with giving him a lot of tools and better
enabling him to stay centered and focused.
He has little interest in the internet, so reading blogs and lists
like these are pretty out of the question. But, I do print out the
daily groove from enjoyparenting.com because I enjoy the reminders,
and thought he would also. I leave them on the counter so he can read
the quick little notes when he gets his coffee in the morning. He
enjoys them, and asked me to continue doing that for him. It's simple,
fast and offers a wide variety of food for thought as he goes about
his work day.
My husband's quick jealousy streak at the very beginning of our
unschool journey faded rather rapidly.. I took notice of his feelings
and quickly embraced him as an integral part of this. I thought that
he didn't quite feel included, kind of left out and that left him
wishing his childhood had been different.. so he could have
experienced what this is like. But, he can experience it now. So, I
set out to find ways to get the boys together more with him.. in
environments where they could all learn new things, together. Then I
explained... that's what we do. That's unschool. You're doing it.
You're part of it.. and I let him know that he's an integral force in
making all of it possible. While he's at work, he's a part of it.
While he's mowing the grass, while he's working on his car, all of the
time.. he's part of it.. and I think that helped tremendously. Just
for him to realize and have me vocally acknowledge that he's so
important and that he's always involved and he doesn't have to look
back and wish, because he's doing it right now. It sounds simple, but
sometimes people need to hear it to bring them back to the present. I
think.
Something that helped our family was the fact that my husband had
taken anger management before we married.. Hubby has children from a
previous relationship and I can see how his previous behavior hurt
that family. With the anger management course under his belt, he's a
much more stable person and able to react with consideration and
compassion. He's learned to respect the boundaries of others, the kids
included and his anger management techniques really benefit all of us
as we find inspiration in the way he handles situations. In the past,
he's credited that course with giving him a lot of tools and better
enabling him to stay centered and focused.
He has little interest in the internet, so reading blogs and lists
like these are pretty out of the question. But, I do print out the
daily groove from enjoyparenting.com because I enjoy the reminders,
and thought he would also. I leave them on the counter so he can read
the quick little notes when he gets his coffee in the morning. He
enjoys them, and asked me to continue doing that for him. It's simple,
fast and offers a wide variety of food for thought as he goes about
his work day.
My husband's quick jealousy streak at the very beginning of our
unschool journey faded rather rapidly.. I took notice of his feelings
and quickly embraced him as an integral part of this. I thought that
he didn't quite feel included, kind of left out and that left him
wishing his childhood had been different.. so he could have
experienced what this is like. But, he can experience it now. So, I
set out to find ways to get the boys together more with him.. in
environments where they could all learn new things, together. Then I
explained... that's what we do. That's unschool. You're doing it.
You're part of it.. and I let him know that he's an integral force in
making all of it possible. While he's at work, he's a part of it.
While he's mowing the grass, while he's working on his car, all of the
time.. he's part of it.. and I think that helped tremendously. Just
for him to realize and have me vocally acknowledge that he's so
important and that he's always involved and he doesn't have to look
back and wish, because he's doing it right now. It sounds simple, but
sometimes people need to hear it to bring them back to the present. I
think.
Tammy Curry
Tiff,
Thank you for sharing those. If you do not mind I think I am going to use them to make up a basic family bill of rights for my family. My husband and I both need help moving further into unschooling. It has been very hard to let go of some of our pre-conceived notions on parenting. But we really need to. We have been reading a number of books from our public library and slowly incorporating things into our lives. I think your list might help us quite bit. We both come from rather strict backgrounds but want more for our children. Admittedly life has been rough for us all for a while and there is security in the status quo, at least for us. However, we have been talking at length about trying to ensure that our children feel secure and loved.
Tammy Curry, Director of Chaos
http://tammycurry.blogspot.com/
http://crazy-homeschool-adventures.blogspot.com/
________________________________
From: tbearup <tiffbear@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, February 20, 2009 2:29:35 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Finding my place in their relationship
I have some of the same issues with my DH, who came from a similar background. He
came from the anti-unschooling extreme, to say the least. :( To him, he had thing beat
into him (literally) that came from a dominating, aggressive, and controlling father.
When I started unschooling things really rubbed him the wrong way because what we
welcomed into our house (freedom to speak freely, respect for the other person, trust in
our kids, relaxation of a rigorous schedule, etc) was everything he was NOT given and
actually felt was 'wrong' in comparison to what he was taught.
I gently introduced a list of 'basic rights for everyone in our family' list. I realized that
hubby really needed to be rehabilitated and shown a gentler way, because it just wasn't
natural to him. the one thing I had going for me is that he knew how unhappy he was as a
kid growing up, and the last thing he wanted was to make his own child feel that way. It
can be very delicate and sensitive to bring that up, but getting him to make a connection
to how he felt as a kid and how he may be making Z. feel may change his heart a little.
The following are some basic rights to which all parties to a relationship are entitled.
The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately
your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism, judgement, put-downs or ridicule.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outburst and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The basic rights can be found here:
http://thelaughingb logster.blogspot .com/2004/ 09/basic- rights-in- relationships-
evna.html
I empathize with the 'teasing going too far' situation, as my hubby is an aggressive type
teaser, meaning, he doesn't know when to stop if the other person is getting
annoyed/upset. This also stems from his upbringing. I just refer to the basic rights and
tell him clearly that I (my kids) are not enjoying it. Before, he would say something like,
"You have no sense of humor" or "why are you so uptight". Now, since he's agreed to have
the basic rights be a part of our 'family rules', he apologizes if he crosses the line.
HTH in some way!
Tiff
www.childplay. wordpress. com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thank you for sharing those. If you do not mind I think I am going to use them to make up a basic family bill of rights for my family. My husband and I both need help moving further into unschooling. It has been very hard to let go of some of our pre-conceived notions on parenting. But we really need to. We have been reading a number of books from our public library and slowly incorporating things into our lives. I think your list might help us quite bit. We both come from rather strict backgrounds but want more for our children. Admittedly life has been rough for us all for a while and there is security in the status quo, at least for us. However, we have been talking at length about trying to ensure that our children feel secure and loved.
Tammy Curry, Director of Chaos
http://tammycurry.blogspot.com/
http://crazy-homeschool-adventures.blogspot.com/
________________________________
From: tbearup <tiffbear@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, February 20, 2009 2:29:35 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Finding my place in their relationship
> Dad. But DH comes from a much different background than I do. SeenHi Tara!
> and not heard, abusive "discipline" , ridicule, etc. He sometimes has
> a very difficult time not falling back on the things he's learned as
> a kid.
>
I have some of the same issues with my DH, who came from a similar background. He
came from the anti-unschooling extreme, to say the least. :( To him, he had thing beat
into him (literally) that came from a dominating, aggressive, and controlling father.
When I started unschooling things really rubbed him the wrong way because what we
welcomed into our house (freedom to speak freely, respect for the other person, trust in
our kids, relaxation of a rigorous schedule, etc) was everything he was NOT given and
actually felt was 'wrong' in comparison to what he was taught.
I gently introduced a list of 'basic rights for everyone in our family' list. I realized that
hubby really needed to be rehabilitated and shown a gentler way, because it just wasn't
natural to him. the one thing I had going for me is that he knew how unhappy he was as a
kid growing up, and the last thing he wanted was to make his own child feel that way. It
can be very delicate and sensitive to bring that up, but getting him to make a connection
to how he felt as a kid and how he may be making Z. feel may change his heart a little.
The following are some basic rights to which all parties to a relationship are entitled.
The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately
your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism, judgement, put-downs or ridicule.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outburst and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The basic rights can be found here:
http://thelaughingb logster.blogspot .com/2004/ 09/basic- rights-in- relationships-
evna.html
I empathize with the 'teasing going too far' situation, as my hubby is an aggressive type
teaser, meaning, he doesn't know when to stop if the other person is getting
annoyed/upset. This also stems from his upbringing. I just refer to the basic rights and
tell him clearly that I (my kids) are not enjoying it. Before, he would say something like,
"You have no sense of humor" or "why are you so uptight". Now, since he's agreed to have
the basic rights be a part of our 'family rules', he apologizes if he crosses the line.
HTH in some way!
Tiff
www.childplay. wordpress. com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
On Thu, Feb 19, 2009 at 8:35 PM, Tara <organicsis@...> wrote:
(including/especially my parents) - "NO MEANS NO" or "STOP MEANS STOP" --
mostly because as a child I was held down and tickled until I peed my pants,
with a whole circle of adults watching the adults who did it. Regularly. My
"no" was useless.
*I* would say to DH, outside of earshot of DS, "And when Zeb's on a date and
he's tickling his girl, thinking it's all fine and good, and she says no,
but he keeps doing it *out of love* ... doesn't this sound like it's heading
towards serious danger?" Our bodies belong to us. Ask him how it felt when
adults touched him unwantedly when he was a kid. I didn't like it. And it
sure made me angry. Wish I'd been safe enough to actually say something -
there is a sign your son expects dh to listen to him and respect his body.
And I always side with the human who has a right to not be touched. Even in
love.
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
> We were walking up to a local restaurant for an early dinner. DH wasMy kids were little, little, little, when I empowered them to tell ANYONE
> teasing Zeb, ruffling his hair, etc. Zeb got frustrated when he
> wouldn't stop and lashed out at him, hitting his arm away. From my
> POV, I can totally relate to how Zeb was feeling - tired, cranky,
> hungry, not wanting to be pestered. But DH got so mad! This kind of
> thing happens alot. DH thinks he's being loving by teasing
> excessively and DS gets angry and the two of them start fighting.
>
(including/especially my parents) - "NO MEANS NO" or "STOP MEANS STOP" --
mostly because as a child I was held down and tickled until I peed my pants,
with a whole circle of adults watching the adults who did it. Regularly. My
"no" was useless.
*I* would say to DH, outside of earshot of DS, "And when Zeb's on a date and
he's tickling his girl, thinking it's all fine and good, and she says no,
but he keeps doing it *out of love* ... doesn't this sound like it's heading
towards serious danger?" Our bodies belong to us. Ask him how it felt when
adults touched him unwantedly when he was a kid. I didn't like it. And it
sure made me angry. Wish I'd been safe enough to actually say something -
there is a sign your son expects dh to listen to him and respect his body.
And I always side with the human who has a right to not be touched. Even in
love.
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
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>
Pam Sorooshian
On 2/20/2009 5:40 AM, Debra Rossing wrote:
girls and it was very effective to say to him, "Do you want our girls to
think it is okay for someone to keep doing something to them when
they've said stop?" He visibly paled. That was the end of him ever
continuing to tease or roughhouse or anything else when any of them said
stop.
-pam
> As far as the hair ruffling/teasing thing, we have made it clear fromThis was really important to me to get across to my husband, too. I have
> the get go that Stop means Stop whether it's child-child, adult-adult,
> or adult-child.
girls and it was very effective to say to him, "Do you want our girls to
think it is okay for someone to keep doing something to them when
they've said stop?" He visibly paled. That was the end of him ever
continuing to tease or roughhouse or anything else when any of them said
stop.
-pam
Aidan Sutherland
I wanted to comment on the step parenting aspect of this situation, because I think it may also play a part. My situation is similar to yours- my ex and I married when my dd, now 10, was 2. We went on to have three more kids. I see a difference in how he parents his biological kids compared to his adopted daughter. It seems like the main difference is that he missed that all important newborn bonding stage with her. It left him parenting more from the head, less from the heart. Also, he didn't have any kids of his own, so marrying me gave him his first opportunity to even think about parenthood- when her life was already two years started. It's hard to catch up.
He has also had a problem with teasing when he feels stressed or angry. I have come to this issue with a protective attitude, because my dd is the child, the one who doesn't quite get what's happening, but knows it feels awful. That's the thing that is so duhumanizing about teasing- it looks like it's meant to be in fun, and my ex will say he's trying to have fun with her. But this nasty anger is lurking under the surface. I have always felt that it was important to step in and clear the air, to state for everyone that he's angry/tired/stressed and that what he's doing is not fun. I think it's important for my dd to have an adult advocate for her in that way.
Over time it has helped a lot. He used to do it all the time. My dd, also, has learned to come out with a very strong- NO! Which is obviously a useful skill.
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He has also had a problem with teasing when he feels stressed or angry. I have come to this issue with a protective attitude, because my dd is the child, the one who doesn't quite get what's happening, but knows it feels awful. That's the thing that is so duhumanizing about teasing- it looks like it's meant to be in fun, and my ex will say he's trying to have fun with her. But this nasty anger is lurking under the surface. I have always felt that it was important to step in and clear the air, to state for everyone that he's angry/tired/stressed and that what he's doing is not fun. I think it's important for my dd to have an adult advocate for her in that way.
Over time it has helped a lot. He used to do it all the time. My dd, also, has learned to come out with a very strong- NO! Which is obviously a useful skill.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]