8 y.o. gets angry and calls us names
DJ250
Need your help! My 8 y.o. suddenly gets angry and calls 10 y.o. sister and I names and sticks her tongue out at us when everything was going fine. Not sure what the "correct" response is. I tried ignoring it and then changing subject when she's calmed down but lately I'm wondering if I'm encouraging the behavior by not getting mad as I would with anyone else and telling her I don't like it and getting angry with her, which is what I feel like doing. A friend who also unschools ignores the "bad" words and behavior like this as she feels it's just the kid getting out his/her frustration and it will pass. Advice? And, no, I can't seem to "head it off at the pass" by watching for clues she's going to blow! :(
~Melissa J :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
~Melissa J :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Verna
> Need your help! My 8 y.o. suddenly gets angry and calls 10 y.o.sister and I names and sticks her tongue out at us when everything was
going fine. Not sure what the "correct" response is. I tried ignoring
it and then changing subject when she's calmed down but lately I'm
wondering if I'm encouraging the behavior by not getting mad as I would
with anyone else and telling her I don't like it and getting angry with
her, which is what I feel like doing. A friend who also unschools
ignores the "bad" words and behavior like this as she feels it's just
the kid getting out his/her frustration and it will pass. Advice?
And, no, I can't seem to "head it off at the pass" by watching for
clues she's going to blow! :(
>Have you tried asking her what she is upset about? I would not ignore
> ~Melissa J :)
it, she is obviously upset about something. Let her know you would
like to talk about it, if not now, when she is ready. Perhaps you
could take her aside. Maybe she just wants a little attention, sibling
rivalry kind of thing.
DJ250
Thanks, Verna. When I try to address it, she gets angrier and throws things or yells louder and I feel I've made a mistake helping her. When I ask her about it when she's calm, she says she doesn't know what she wants.
What about the name calling? Would you address this or leave it be and focus on empathizing with her?
~Melissa J :)
What about the name calling? Would you address this or leave it be and focus on empathizing with her?
~Melissa J :)
----- Original Message -----
From: Verna
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, February 18, 2009 9:31 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: 8 y.o. gets angry and calls us names
> Need your help! My 8 y.o. suddenly gets angry and calls 10 y.o.
sister and I names and sticks her tongue out at us when everything was
going fine. Not sure what the "correct" response is. I tried ignoring
it and then changing subject when she's calmed down but lately I'm
wondering if I'm encouraging the behavior by not getting mad as I would
with anyone else and telling her I don't like it and getting angry with
her, which is what I feel like doing. A friend who also unschools
ignores the "bad" words and behavior like this as she feels it's just
the kid getting out his/her frustration and it will pass. Advice?
And, no, I can't seem to "head it off at the pass" by watching for
clues she's going to blow! :(
>
> ~Melissa J :)
Have you tried asking her what she is upset about? I would not ignore
it, she is obviously upset about something. Let her know you would
like to talk about it, if not now, when she is ready. Perhaps you
could take her aside. Maybe she just wants a little attention, sibling
rivalry kind of thing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.0.237 / Virus Database: 270.10.25/1957 - Release Date: 02/17/09 07:07:00
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "DJ250" <dj250@...> wrote:
angry with her, which is what I feel like doing.
**************************
Can you talk about how you feel without getting mad per se? I don't
mean to put on a happy face while saying "that hurts my feelings" I
mean is there an honest response that you can share with her without
yelling or scolding? Other people's reactions are important
information about the world - it may be that your dd is looking to
elicit some reactions as a way of learning about people and social
situations.
frustration and it will pass.
****************************
That's something you can only know through experimentation, really,
and looking at big patterns of behavior over time. I'd look to see if
there were any kind of pattern to *when* your dd is blowing up -
could she be hungry or tired or overwhelmed or lonely or bored? could
frustrations be "stacking up" over a day or week? She may not be able
to articulate what she's feeling overall and have more of a "last
straw" reaction - one tiny thing would be enough to set her off, but
its not really about that one tiny thing, that's just the trigger.
I also wonder what kinds of rules/expectations y'all have had in the
past around "correct" behavior. This could be part of her deschooling
process - she isn't sure where the boundaries are and is trying to
figure that out. Personally, I don't think so much in terms
of "setting" boundaries - I *have* personal boundaries and so do my
family members, and its important to express those and honor them. At
the same time, my own boundaries can sometimes be more fluid -
because I'm an adult and can have a certain amount of compassion for
my kids' needs. My kids boundaries aren't necessarily as fluid as
mine, so its important that I help them express *and* defend those
boundaries.
So, for example, I might not react to my 7yo when she says something
to me like "you're an idiot" (or I might say "I'm sorry you feel that
way, want a sandwich?"), but if she said that to Ray or a same age
friend, I'd more likely jump in with "hey! that's not necessary. do
you need something?"
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>I'm wondering if I'm encouraging the behavior by not getting mad asI would with anyone else and telling her I don't like it and getting
angry with her, which is what I feel like doing.
**************************
Can you talk about how you feel without getting mad per se? I don't
mean to put on a happy face while saying "that hurts my feelings" I
mean is there an honest response that you can share with her without
yelling or scolding? Other people's reactions are important
information about the world - it may be that your dd is looking to
elicit some reactions as a way of learning about people and social
situations.
> A friend who also unschools ignores the "bad" words and behaviorlike this as she feels it's just the kid getting out his/her
frustration and it will pass.
****************************
That's something you can only know through experimentation, really,
and looking at big patterns of behavior over time. I'd look to see if
there were any kind of pattern to *when* your dd is blowing up -
could she be hungry or tired or overwhelmed or lonely or bored? could
frustrations be "stacking up" over a day or week? She may not be able
to articulate what she's feeling overall and have more of a "last
straw" reaction - one tiny thing would be enough to set her off, but
its not really about that one tiny thing, that's just the trigger.
I also wonder what kinds of rules/expectations y'all have had in the
past around "correct" behavior. This could be part of her deschooling
process - she isn't sure where the boundaries are and is trying to
figure that out. Personally, I don't think so much in terms
of "setting" boundaries - I *have* personal boundaries and so do my
family members, and its important to express those and honor them. At
the same time, my own boundaries can sometimes be more fluid -
because I'm an adult and can have a certain amount of compassion for
my kids' needs. My kids boundaries aren't necessarily as fluid as
mine, so its important that I help them express *and* defend those
boundaries.
So, for example, I might not react to my 7yo when she says something
to me like "you're an idiot" (or I might say "I'm sorry you feel that
way, want a sandwich?"), but if she said that to Ray or a same age
friend, I'd more likely jump in with "hey! that's not necessary. do
you need something?"
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
Pam Sorooshian
On 2/18/2009 6:06 AM, DJ250 wrote:
phase that I ignored and it went away quickly. But anger? No. That's real.
I want to point out to you that in your whole post you didn't write one
word about what he is angry about, as if what matters is his outward
behavior, not his inward feelings.
That is like focusing on symptoms and ignoring the underlying cause of
an illness.
-pam
> A friend who also unschools ignores the "bad" words and behavior like this as she feels it's just the kid getting out his/her frustration and it will pass. Advice? And, no, I can't seem to "head it off at the pass" by watching for clues she's going to blow!:(Experimenting with excessively using bad language is pretty common and a
>
phase that I ignored and it went away quickly. But anger? No. That's real.
I want to point out to you that in your whole post you didn't write one
word about what he is angry about, as if what matters is his outward
behavior, not his inward feelings.
That is like focusing on symptoms and ignoring the underlying cause of
an illness.
-pam
Pam Sorooshian
On 2/18/2009 8:27 AM, Pam Sorooshian wrote:
Anyway - in your next post you said you tried talking to her but she
gets more angry.
Do you have no clue what is making her angry?
Frustration is the most common trigger for anger - maybe start first
looking at what might be frustrating her.
When talking to a kid makes them more angry, that's because they don't
know how to articulate what it is they are feeling or it is something
that they think will really upset you (like, "I can't STAND my sibling",
but they really want you to "just know." So - the best you can do is
make close observations and take a guess. Make some changes. Go out
more, stay home more, separate the kids more by having one go off to a
friend's house while the other stays home and taking one out with you
even just to the grocery store while the other stays home with dad, and
so on.
-pam
> I want to point out to you that in your whole post you didn't write oneHer. I knew that it is your daughter, sorry.
> word about what he is angry about, as if what matters is his outward
> behavior, not his inward feelings.
>
> That is like focusing on symptoms and ignoring the underlying cause of
> an illness.
>
>
Anyway - in your next post you said you tried talking to her but she
gets more angry.
Do you have no clue what is making her angry?
Frustration is the most common trigger for anger - maybe start first
looking at what might be frustrating her.
When talking to a kid makes them more angry, that's because they don't
know how to articulate what it is they are feeling or it is something
that they think will really upset you (like, "I can't STAND my sibling",
but they really want you to "just know." So - the best you can do is
make close observations and take a guess. Make some changes. Go out
more, stay home more, separate the kids more by having one go off to a
friend's house while the other stays home and taking one out with you
even just to the grocery store while the other stays home with dad, and
so on.
-pam
Verna
My 6 year old has a tendency to name call. If it is at me I might
respond that I dont like being called names, I sometimes express my
understanding of the underlying emotions he has (I can typically guess
what is wrong). If it is at siblings or friends, I let him know that I
cant allow him to hurt others feelings. I just say, " I love so and so
and I cant let you hurt her, just like I wouldnt let her say something
like that to you."
respond that I dont like being called names, I sometimes express my
understanding of the underlying emotions he has (I can typically guess
what is wrong). If it is at siblings or friends, I let him know that I
cant allow him to hurt others feelings. I just say, " I love so and so
and I cant let you hurt her, just like I wouldnt let her say something
like that to you."