Education isn't the problem....
jimenycricketz
Hi all, I think I've been a part of this group awhile back but have
been off for awhile (or maybe it was a different group). I have a 9
yr old son and we've been unschooling for nearly 2 years. It's not
the unschooling I struggle with, it's being a better parent. I can
admit that most of our issues come from my parenting - my downfalls
are being impatient, and distracted. I also know I have a problem
with holding my frustration in until I explode. I hate when I'm not
my best self but sometimes I just don't know how to handle things and
so I fall back on old habits.
There are times when I'm doing great - present, involved, patient.
But the negative history is there and DS can't seem to let it go even
when things are going great so it tends to get me off track again. I
can't seem to give him enough time to let the past go; I can't seem
to make permenant changes within myself. I know I blame him in some
ways, thinking if only he were trying as hard as I am we'd be moving
forward.
I see one version of him at home and another version elsewhere. One
is happy, patient, optimistic, eager...the other is short-tempered,
pessimistic, unhappy. I know he gets the negative attributes from me.
I asked him once why he's so happy when he's not at home - he said
our home is "full of hatred". :( The thing is he's his best when I'm
not around; I'm the one he views as full of hatred. :( I'm really not
that angry or hateful. But that's obviously how he's interpreting me.
Anyway that's the hard-cold-truthful background. But I'm looking for
ways to change all that. As I said the education part of the
unschooling isn't the problem. But the "radical" stuff is harder.
Here are some of our more recent struggles:
1. We have a family history of insulin-related problems (diabetes,
hypo- hyperglycemia). I'm pretty certain he is hypoglycemic like me
but he's afraid of the pin prick that is needed to monitor his blood
sugar. All he wants to eat is carbs. His body craves it. We talk
about blood sugar, sugar cravings meaning he needs protein, etc. It's
no use. The three foods he's almost completely lived off of for the
past few months is toast, pasta and rice. Lately his blood sugar has
been peaking and crashing so much that I'm now insisting he eat
protein with every meal (peanut butter on his toast, sauce w/ his
spaghetti etc). But he still won't eat many fruits or veggies
(sometimes an orange, sometimes a carrot, tomatoes if they are in
season, otherwise he doesn't like their taste). He told me today that
he's been having a lot of cramping and muscle soreness. I talked to
him about his diet and vitamin deficiencies. He told me he just
doesn't like anything else. What can I do? I'm starting to get really
concerned but I know this fighting over food isn't helping. But
neither is reasoning. Kids need guidance right? I feel it's my job to
take care of him when he isn't capable of doing so himself. But how
do I do that without causing more problems?
2. Anytime we play a game and he thinks even for a moment that he's
going to lose he gets so upset with himself that he quits playing.
If he loses he gets SO mad and won't play that game again for a long
time. What can I say or do then? If I say he's doing good or point
out anything positive he gets more upset. If he thinks I'm taking it
easy on him or letting him win he gets upset. I don't know how to
respond so I end up getting aggravated, which of course doesn't help.
We rarely play games anymore because what is suppose to be fun ends
up being a nightmare. It's the same thing with art. He's very criticl
with himself and rarely ever tries. When he does and it turns out
differently than he wanted it will be many more months before he
tries again. I'm sure he's learned the critical stuff from me but I
don't know how to undo it now. I've read in so many places that
constant praise and positive reinforcement isn't healthy either but
is there ever a time for it? Maybe to boost his confidence? Or will
that just cause another problem in the future?
3. Our days go much smoother when neither of us are playing on the
electronics. But we both spend a lot of time either online (me) or
playing video games (him). I've gone back and forth with this lately.
I know that doesn't help. But I can't shake the feeling that both of
us are spending too much time in front of a screen. We do so many
other things when we're not. Of course he doesn't like the idea of
limiting it. But we both are happier w/ each other when it is
limited. We argue less, we play more. Things are just smoother. And
right now that peace is really needed. Would it be the worst thing if
I went back to limiting it for awhile (and I DO mean for both of us)
until things were better? And then maybe after things have been
better for awhile just start "saying yes" more? Kinda like starting
over with it.
There are other scenarios too but these are the biggest ones lately.
I feel like I need alternative ways to respond, ideas on how to keep
myself on track, ways to keep us working *together* rather than
fighting against each other.
I feel like in many ways I'm starting all over. How do I do this?
Should I reread every book I've ever read? Should I just constantly
stalk the boards again? How did/do you stay on track and not revert
back to old habits?
Thanx,
Jamie
been off for awhile (or maybe it was a different group). I have a 9
yr old son and we've been unschooling for nearly 2 years. It's not
the unschooling I struggle with, it's being a better parent. I can
admit that most of our issues come from my parenting - my downfalls
are being impatient, and distracted. I also know I have a problem
with holding my frustration in until I explode. I hate when I'm not
my best self but sometimes I just don't know how to handle things and
so I fall back on old habits.
There are times when I'm doing great - present, involved, patient.
But the negative history is there and DS can't seem to let it go even
when things are going great so it tends to get me off track again. I
can't seem to give him enough time to let the past go; I can't seem
to make permenant changes within myself. I know I blame him in some
ways, thinking if only he were trying as hard as I am we'd be moving
forward.
I see one version of him at home and another version elsewhere. One
is happy, patient, optimistic, eager...the other is short-tempered,
pessimistic, unhappy. I know he gets the negative attributes from me.
I asked him once why he's so happy when he's not at home - he said
our home is "full of hatred". :( The thing is he's his best when I'm
not around; I'm the one he views as full of hatred. :( I'm really not
that angry or hateful. But that's obviously how he's interpreting me.
Anyway that's the hard-cold-truthful background. But I'm looking for
ways to change all that. As I said the education part of the
unschooling isn't the problem. But the "radical" stuff is harder.
Here are some of our more recent struggles:
1. We have a family history of insulin-related problems (diabetes,
hypo- hyperglycemia). I'm pretty certain he is hypoglycemic like me
but he's afraid of the pin prick that is needed to monitor his blood
sugar. All he wants to eat is carbs. His body craves it. We talk
about blood sugar, sugar cravings meaning he needs protein, etc. It's
no use. The three foods he's almost completely lived off of for the
past few months is toast, pasta and rice. Lately his blood sugar has
been peaking and crashing so much that I'm now insisting he eat
protein with every meal (peanut butter on his toast, sauce w/ his
spaghetti etc). But he still won't eat many fruits or veggies
(sometimes an orange, sometimes a carrot, tomatoes if they are in
season, otherwise he doesn't like their taste). He told me today that
he's been having a lot of cramping and muscle soreness. I talked to
him about his diet and vitamin deficiencies. He told me he just
doesn't like anything else. What can I do? I'm starting to get really
concerned but I know this fighting over food isn't helping. But
neither is reasoning. Kids need guidance right? I feel it's my job to
take care of him when he isn't capable of doing so himself. But how
do I do that without causing more problems?
2. Anytime we play a game and he thinks even for a moment that he's
going to lose he gets so upset with himself that he quits playing.
If he loses he gets SO mad and won't play that game again for a long
time. What can I say or do then? If I say he's doing good or point
out anything positive he gets more upset. If he thinks I'm taking it
easy on him or letting him win he gets upset. I don't know how to
respond so I end up getting aggravated, which of course doesn't help.
We rarely play games anymore because what is suppose to be fun ends
up being a nightmare. It's the same thing with art. He's very criticl
with himself and rarely ever tries. When he does and it turns out
differently than he wanted it will be many more months before he
tries again. I'm sure he's learned the critical stuff from me but I
don't know how to undo it now. I've read in so many places that
constant praise and positive reinforcement isn't healthy either but
is there ever a time for it? Maybe to boost his confidence? Or will
that just cause another problem in the future?
3. Our days go much smoother when neither of us are playing on the
electronics. But we both spend a lot of time either online (me) or
playing video games (him). I've gone back and forth with this lately.
I know that doesn't help. But I can't shake the feeling that both of
us are spending too much time in front of a screen. We do so many
other things when we're not. Of course he doesn't like the idea of
limiting it. But we both are happier w/ each other when it is
limited. We argue less, we play more. Things are just smoother. And
right now that peace is really needed. Would it be the worst thing if
I went back to limiting it for awhile (and I DO mean for both of us)
until things were better? And then maybe after things have been
better for awhile just start "saying yes" more? Kinda like starting
over with it.
There are other scenarios too but these are the biggest ones lately.
I feel like I need alternative ways to respond, ideas on how to keep
myself on track, ways to keep us working *together* rather than
fighting against each other.
I feel like in many ways I'm starting all over. How do I do this?
Should I reread every book I've ever read? Should I just constantly
stalk the boards again? How did/do you stay on track and not revert
back to old habits?
Thanx,
Jamie
Jet Lakey
darn, my computer ate my long post so here's the short version.
they hypoglycemia can make anyone short tempered. and yes plenty of protein will help with that. Walmart sells some yummy chocolate whey powder with about 26 grams per scoop. makes great chocolate milk..everyone likes chocolate milk (my 6 yr old inhales this stuff). Choose some high fibre high protein bread. and take him to his dr and demand (ahead of time works well)that the dr lecture your son and refer him to a nutritionist (if you haven't) then it is someone else's fault..not yours for making him eat better.!! (btw they have really high fibre/protein past too! like 14 g protein) we are vegetarian so have to fight for our protein. i can help you more off list if you want.
on the "too much praise" thing. I used to catch a lot of slack on that one from friends playmates etc. Here's what I told them: " for every negative or criticism you give your kid they should get at least 2 compliments"! Sometimes I had to REAL HARD at finding something to compliment on. "I like the way you picked out your clothes" "I appreciate you making your own toast". Lets face it, would you rather hear compliments or critics? This helped me 2 fold...one it gave my son constant self esteem boosts and 2 it made me appreciate the better things of my son and get off the negative and more importantly it made me a nicer person. Definitely not easy and yes I fall back into the "riding him" a bit and it immediately shows up in his attitude. I did explain the difference between being frustrated and angry which helped him (he's only 6 and sees frustration or arguing as "hate' though he doesn't know that word yet)
I think it is easier for me because he's only 6 and maybe that won't work for you but it's worth a try! BTW I learned the "2 nice things for every 1 "bad" thing in a dressing room at Ross. the lady in the next room was telling her friend who obviously put herself down all the time that little lesson! Her friend said something about looking "fat" in the clothes she was trying on and then the other woman told her "let me hear those 2 nice things" so then she said "ok, the color looks good on me and it makes my B**bs look bigger!" so if this can work on woman in their 30's it might just work on a 9 yr old boy!! That conversation has stuck with me for almost 15 yrs now..and it is 2nd nature now..everytime i start to beat myself up about being a crappy parent i pick 2 things I know most people would "fail" at! And it helps me correct my downfalls-a little bit at least!LOL
good luck and keep us posted!Jet Lakey -live simply so others may simply live-
To: [email protected]: jimenycricketz@...: Mon, 9 Feb 2009 09:15:31 +0000Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Education isn't the problem....
Hi all, I think I've been a part of this group awhile back but have been off for awhile (or maybe it was a different group). I have a 9 yr old son and we've been unschooling for nearly 2 years. It's not the unschooling I struggle with, it's being a better parent. I can admit that most of our issues come from my parenting - my downfalls are being impatient, and distracted. I also know I have a problem with holding my frustration in until I explode. I hate when I'm not my best self but sometimes I just don't know how to handle things and so I fall back on old habits. There are times when I'm doing great - present, involved, patient. But the negative history is there and DS can't seem to let it go even when things are going great so it tends to get me off track again. I can't seem to give him enough time to let the past go; I can't seem to make permenant changes within myself. I know I blame him in some ways, thinking if only he were trying as hard as I am we'd be moving forward. I see one version of him at home and another version elsewhere. One is happy, patient, optimistic, eager...the other is short-tempered, pessimistic, unhappy. I know he gets the negative attributes from me. I asked him once why he's so happy when he's not at home - he said our home is "full of hatred". :( The thing is he's his best when I'm not around; I'm the one he views as full of hatred. :( I'm really not that angry or hateful. But that's obviously how he's interpreting me.Anyway that's the hard-cold-truthful background. But I'm looking for ways to change all that. As I said the education part of the unschooling isn't the problem. But the "radical" stuff is harder. Here are some of our more recent struggles:1. We have a family history of insulin-related problems (diabetes, hypo- hyperglycemia). I'm pretty certain he is hypoglycemic like me but he's afraid of the pin prick that is needed to monitor his blood sugar. All he wants to eat is carbs. His body craves it. We talk about blood sugar, sugar cravings meaning he needs protein, etc. It's no use. The three foods he's almost completely lived off of for the past few months is toast, pasta and rice. Lately his blood sugar has been peaking and crashing so much that I'm now insisting he eat protein with every meal (peanut butter on his toast, sauce w/ his spaghetti etc). But he still won't eat many fruits or veggies (sometimes an orange, sometimes a carrot, tomatoes if they are in season, otherwise he doesn't like their taste). He told me today that he's been having a lot of cramping and muscle soreness. I talked to him about his diet and vitamin deficiencies. He told me he just doesn't like anything else. What can I do? I'm starting to get really concerned but I know this fighting over food isn't helping. But neither is reasoning. Kids need guidance right? I feel it's my job to take care of him when he isn't capable of doing so himself. But how do I do that without causing more problems?2. Anytime we play a game and he thinks even for a moment that he's going to lose he gets so upset with himself that he quits playing. If he loses he gets SO mad and won't play that game again for a long time. What can I say or do then? If I say he's doing good or point out anything positive he gets more upset. If he thinks I'm taking it easy on him or letting him win he gets upset. I don't know how to respond so I end up getting aggravated, which of course doesn't help. We rarely play games anymore because what is suppose to be fun ends up being a nightmare. It's the same thing with art. He's very criticl with himself and rarely ever tries. When he does and it turns out differently than he wanted it will be many more months before he tries again. I'm sure he's learned the critical stuff from me but I don't know how to undo it now. I've read in so many places that constant praise and positive reinforcement isn't healthy either but is there ever a time for it? Maybe to boost his confidence? Or will that just cause another problem in the future?3. Our days go much smoother when neither of us are playing on the electronics. But we both spend a lot of time either online (me) or playing video games (him). I've gone back and forth with this lately. I know that doesn't help. But I can't shake the feeling that both of us are spending too much time in front of a screen. We do so many other things when we're not. Of course he doesn't like the idea of limiting it. But we both are happier w/ each other when it is limited. We argue less, we play more. Things are just smoother. And right now that peace is really needed. Would it be the worst thing if I went back to limiting it for awhile (and I DO mean for both of us) until things were better? And then maybe after things have been better for awhile just start "saying yes" more? Kinda like starting over with it.There are other scenarios too but these are the biggest ones lately. I feel like I need alternative ways to respond, ideas on how to keep myself on track, ways to keep us working *together* rather than fighting against each other. I feel like in many ways I'm starting all over. How do I do this? Should I reread every book I've ever read? Should I just constantly stalk the boards again? How did/do you stay on track and not revert back to old habits? Thanx,Jamie
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
they hypoglycemia can make anyone short tempered. and yes plenty of protein will help with that. Walmart sells some yummy chocolate whey powder with about 26 grams per scoop. makes great chocolate milk..everyone likes chocolate milk (my 6 yr old inhales this stuff). Choose some high fibre high protein bread. and take him to his dr and demand (ahead of time works well)that the dr lecture your son and refer him to a nutritionist (if you haven't) then it is someone else's fault..not yours for making him eat better.!! (btw they have really high fibre/protein past too! like 14 g protein) we are vegetarian so have to fight for our protein. i can help you more off list if you want.
on the "too much praise" thing. I used to catch a lot of slack on that one from friends playmates etc. Here's what I told them: " for every negative or criticism you give your kid they should get at least 2 compliments"! Sometimes I had to REAL HARD at finding something to compliment on. "I like the way you picked out your clothes" "I appreciate you making your own toast". Lets face it, would you rather hear compliments or critics? This helped me 2 fold...one it gave my son constant self esteem boosts and 2 it made me appreciate the better things of my son and get off the negative and more importantly it made me a nicer person. Definitely not easy and yes I fall back into the "riding him" a bit and it immediately shows up in his attitude. I did explain the difference between being frustrated and angry which helped him (he's only 6 and sees frustration or arguing as "hate' though he doesn't know that word yet)
I think it is easier for me because he's only 6 and maybe that won't work for you but it's worth a try! BTW I learned the "2 nice things for every 1 "bad" thing in a dressing room at Ross. the lady in the next room was telling her friend who obviously put herself down all the time that little lesson! Her friend said something about looking "fat" in the clothes she was trying on and then the other woman told her "let me hear those 2 nice things" so then she said "ok, the color looks good on me and it makes my B**bs look bigger!" so if this can work on woman in their 30's it might just work on a 9 yr old boy!! That conversation has stuck with me for almost 15 yrs now..and it is 2nd nature now..everytime i start to beat myself up about being a crappy parent i pick 2 things I know most people would "fail" at! And it helps me correct my downfalls-a little bit at least!LOL
good luck and keep us posted!Jet Lakey -live simply so others may simply live-
To: [email protected]: jimenycricketz@...: Mon, 9 Feb 2009 09:15:31 +0000Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Education isn't the problem....
Hi all, I think I've been a part of this group awhile back but have been off for awhile (or maybe it was a different group). I have a 9 yr old son and we've been unschooling for nearly 2 years. It's not the unschooling I struggle with, it's being a better parent. I can admit that most of our issues come from my parenting - my downfalls are being impatient, and distracted. I also know I have a problem with holding my frustration in until I explode. I hate when I'm not my best self but sometimes I just don't know how to handle things and so I fall back on old habits. There are times when I'm doing great - present, involved, patient. But the negative history is there and DS can't seem to let it go even when things are going great so it tends to get me off track again. I can't seem to give him enough time to let the past go; I can't seem to make permenant changes within myself. I know I blame him in some ways, thinking if only he were trying as hard as I am we'd be moving forward. I see one version of him at home and another version elsewhere. One is happy, patient, optimistic, eager...the other is short-tempered, pessimistic, unhappy. I know he gets the negative attributes from me. I asked him once why he's so happy when he's not at home - he said our home is "full of hatred". :( The thing is he's his best when I'm not around; I'm the one he views as full of hatred. :( I'm really not that angry or hateful. But that's obviously how he's interpreting me.Anyway that's the hard-cold-truthful background. But I'm looking for ways to change all that. As I said the education part of the unschooling isn't the problem. But the "radical" stuff is harder. Here are some of our more recent struggles:1. We have a family history of insulin-related problems (diabetes, hypo- hyperglycemia). I'm pretty certain he is hypoglycemic like me but he's afraid of the pin prick that is needed to monitor his blood sugar. All he wants to eat is carbs. His body craves it. We talk about blood sugar, sugar cravings meaning he needs protein, etc. It's no use. The three foods he's almost completely lived off of for the past few months is toast, pasta and rice. Lately his blood sugar has been peaking and crashing so much that I'm now insisting he eat protein with every meal (peanut butter on his toast, sauce w/ his spaghetti etc). But he still won't eat many fruits or veggies (sometimes an orange, sometimes a carrot, tomatoes if they are in season, otherwise he doesn't like their taste). He told me today that he's been having a lot of cramping and muscle soreness. I talked to him about his diet and vitamin deficiencies. He told me he just doesn't like anything else. What can I do? I'm starting to get really concerned but I know this fighting over food isn't helping. But neither is reasoning. Kids need guidance right? I feel it's my job to take care of him when he isn't capable of doing so himself. But how do I do that without causing more problems?2. Anytime we play a game and he thinks even for a moment that he's going to lose he gets so upset with himself that he quits playing. If he loses he gets SO mad and won't play that game again for a long time. What can I say or do then? If I say he's doing good or point out anything positive he gets more upset. If he thinks I'm taking it easy on him or letting him win he gets upset. I don't know how to respond so I end up getting aggravated, which of course doesn't help. We rarely play games anymore because what is suppose to be fun ends up being a nightmare. It's the same thing with art. He's very criticl with himself and rarely ever tries. When he does and it turns out differently than he wanted it will be many more months before he tries again. I'm sure he's learned the critical stuff from me but I don't know how to undo it now. I've read in so many places that constant praise and positive reinforcement isn't healthy either but is there ever a time for it? Maybe to boost his confidence? Or will that just cause another problem in the future?3. Our days go much smoother when neither of us are playing on the electronics. But we both spend a lot of time either online (me) or playing video games (him). I've gone back and forth with this lately. I know that doesn't help. But I can't shake the feeling that both of us are spending too much time in front of a screen. We do so many other things when we're not. Of course he doesn't like the idea of limiting it. But we both are happier w/ each other when it is limited. We argue less, we play more. Things are just smoother. And right now that peace is really needed. Would it be the worst thing if I went back to limiting it for awhile (and I DO mean for both of us) until things were better? And then maybe after things have been better for awhile just start "saying yes" more? Kinda like starting over with it.There are other scenarios too but these are the biggest ones lately. I feel like I need alternative ways to respond, ideas on how to keep myself on track, ways to keep us working *together* rather than fighting against each other. I feel like in many ways I'm starting all over. How do I do this? Should I reread every book I've ever read? Should I just constantly stalk the boards again? How did/do you stay on track and not revert back to old habits? Thanx,Jamie
_________________________________________________________________
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
cindybablitz
Hi Jamie:
This community is filled with so many beautiful parents with a deep
wealth of child and self honouring wisdom, I want to leave the advice
giving to those whom I know will step forward with that support. For
now, I just want to acknowledge you with a gentle expression of
compassion. Good for you for speaking your truth with such
transparent honesty! I *really* want to acknowledge your willingness
to be blunt with your observations about yourself and your son and
your challenges: exposing your vulnerability in this way takes
courage, and your courage here is evident. Honour that courage about
yourself; I see it as a first step toward personal empowerment,
bolstering your capacity to shift where you see you want to make
shifts in your relationships.
It's tough to navigate through where there are (potential) food
issues -- for me, nutrition lies at the very heart of who we are
creating ourselves to be ... and it's such a drag to observe our
children making largely one-dimensional choices. One of my three
leans that way. Even in a home filled with organic whole foods, he
can yet sometimes manage to squeak through days eating little more
than flour and sugar. I've addressed that by virtually eliminating
wheat flour products, (brown rice or kamut pasta, brown rice flour or
sprouted grains bread, and baking with a variety of spelt, fava and
garbanzo bean, buckwheat and barley flours) and by introducing a
selection of gluten-free and/or vegan snack foods, (pretzels, cereal
bars, etc.) even though no one here has a diagnosed "need" for either
and by greatly reducing the white processed sugar we use in favour of
honey, agave nectar, brown rice syrup and, occasionally, maple
syrup. Still, my methodology isn't fool proof, and we're not nazi
about *no* wheat or sugar products, albeit we are pretty nazi about
organic and local ... for what that's worth.
I'm looking forward to the great feedback I'm sure you'll get here.
Meanwhile, remember that open-hearted mindfulness is always
preferential to self-flagellating condemnation. From this place of
honouring accountability with yourself, you'll be better positioned
to be less blaming and more able to hold yourself -- and your son --
in a gentle embrace.
loving,
cindy
host of Alphabet Soup: the 2009 Calgary Unschooling Conference
September 18-20, 2009
This community is filled with so many beautiful parents with a deep
wealth of child and self honouring wisdom, I want to leave the advice
giving to those whom I know will step forward with that support. For
now, I just want to acknowledge you with a gentle expression of
compassion. Good for you for speaking your truth with such
transparent honesty! I *really* want to acknowledge your willingness
to be blunt with your observations about yourself and your son and
your challenges: exposing your vulnerability in this way takes
courage, and your courage here is evident. Honour that courage about
yourself; I see it as a first step toward personal empowerment,
bolstering your capacity to shift where you see you want to make
shifts in your relationships.
It's tough to navigate through where there are (potential) food
issues -- for me, nutrition lies at the very heart of who we are
creating ourselves to be ... and it's such a drag to observe our
children making largely one-dimensional choices. One of my three
leans that way. Even in a home filled with organic whole foods, he
can yet sometimes manage to squeak through days eating little more
than flour and sugar. I've addressed that by virtually eliminating
wheat flour products, (brown rice or kamut pasta, brown rice flour or
sprouted grains bread, and baking with a variety of spelt, fava and
garbanzo bean, buckwheat and barley flours) and by introducing a
selection of gluten-free and/or vegan snack foods, (pretzels, cereal
bars, etc.) even though no one here has a diagnosed "need" for either
and by greatly reducing the white processed sugar we use in favour of
honey, agave nectar, brown rice syrup and, occasionally, maple
syrup. Still, my methodology isn't fool proof, and we're not nazi
about *no* wheat or sugar products, albeit we are pretty nazi about
organic and local ... for what that's worth.
I'm looking forward to the great feedback I'm sure you'll get here.
Meanwhile, remember that open-hearted mindfulness is always
preferential to self-flagellating condemnation. From this place of
honouring accountability with yourself, you'll be better positioned
to be less blaming and more able to hold yourself -- and your son --
in a gentle embrace.
loving,
cindy
host of Alphabet Soup: the 2009 Calgary Unschooling Conference
September 18-20, 2009
> It's not the unschooling I struggle with, it's being a better
> parent. I can admit that most of our issues come from my parenting
> - my downfalls are being impatient, and distracted. I also know I
> have a problem with holding my frustration in until I explode.
> <snip> How did/do you stay on track and not revert back to old
> habits?
Schuyler
Meredith wrote in a message on this list just the other day:
"Have you ever appologised to them for past parenting mistakes? That
was helpful for me and Ray. Something else to consider is talking
about the way you feel about how you *used* to parent vs how you're
trying to parent now. Rather than talking about unschooling as a
philosophy, go right to the heart, as it were."
-------------
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Education isn't the problem....
It's not the unschooling I struggle with, it's being a better parent. I can
admit that most of our issues come from my parenting - my downfalls
are being impatient, and distracted. I also know I have a problem
with holding my frustration in until I explode. I hate when I'm not
my best self but sometimes I just don't know how to handle things and
so I fall back on old habits.
-----------------
I spanked Simon and Linnaea when they were little. I'm not proud of it, and I've apologised to both of them and to David, my husband, for that kind of abuse. I kept talking to myself about how I wanted to stop and how I should stop and then I'd lose it and revert to this abusive retribution for them doing something I didn't like. One day I just said I'm done and I haven't hit them since. No falling back, no nothing. I haven't hit Simon or Linnaea in 6 years. The idea of hitting them is so alien to me it is like it was a different person. But it wasn't, it was me. And I own that mistake.
-----------------
There are times when I'm doing great - present, involved, patient.
But the negative history is there and DS can't seem to let it go even
when things are going great so it tends to get me off track again. I
can't seem to give him enough time to let the past go; I can't seem
to make permenant changes within myself. I know I blame him in some
ways, thinking if only he were trying as hard as I am we'd be moving
forward.
------------------
He doesn't have to try hard for you to be a better parent. Everytime you choose a better path, you get to be a better parent. Everytime you breathe through stress or recognize that he is a separate person from he and as such has a right to his feelings and his opinions, you get to be a better parent. See those as triumphs. When you misstep, when you screw up, recognize it and apologise and try and do better the next time. He's 9, he can't be better at this then you are. I hold grudges. There are things I don't forgive quickly. You screwed up. Him not forgiving you is part of the cost of screwing up. He won't trust you until you prove yourself trustworthy to him and that will take as long as it takes.
---------------
I see one version of him at home and another version elsewhere. One
is happy, patient, optimistic, eager...the other is short-tempered,
pessimistic, unhappy.
----------------
Are you different in different environments? What makes one environment better for you than another? When you are out is there more going on? Is there engagement and interaction and socializing? Can you make those things more available when you are home?
--------------
I know he gets the negative attributes from me.
---------
Are you talking genetics or environment? If genetics it needs an environment to encourage it along. There are very few behaviors (I can't think of one) that are purely genetic, they play off the environment. It's why humans are so good at adapting to different environments. If you are the environment that he gets negative in, try and live lightly around him. Breathe more, look for the light, put on music that makes you bounce (REM's Furry Happy Monster always get me bouncing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkHM8xG6i8o), eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are tired, laugh, watch Eddie Izzard and ask Cake or Death occasionally (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZVjKlBCvhg), find the things that make you sing and dance and laugh and play and immerse yourself in those things so that when you are with him you are joyous. Be joyous with him. Be thankful for this lovely 9 year old and dance when you see him smile.
---------------
I asked him once why he's so happy when he's not at home - he said
our home is "full of hatred". :( The thing is he's his best when I'm
not around; I'm the one he views as full of hatred. :( I'm really not
that angry or hateful. But that's obviously how he's interpreting me.
------------------
Go out more. If he feels better out, find things to do and go do them. And when you are home, make it engaging and interesting and fun. Don't have being at home boring or restful or a break or whatever, make it about a cool movie that you got or downloaded from netflix or the Xbox 360 or wherever and hang out and watch The Love Guru and eat popcorn or a chocolate fondue with pears and strawberries and bananas and angel food cake, and laugh when checking the cave for bats. Or play Katamari Damacy on the ps2 together. Or have a disco and play all the Lily Allen that amuses you or that Drowning Pool song Bodies which my son Simon loves or try and dance the World of Warcraft dances http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=066_q4DIeqk or go watch Oxhorn's videos: http://www.brandonmdennis.com/ or the Evolution of Dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg. Make a fort, play hide and seek, build paper airplanes, do an egg drop, bake a cake, have a squirt gun
battle, play tennis with a balloon, I could go on. It might take a while for him to want to do with you if he doesn't trust you. So you do and have fun and offer, always offer, for him to join. Be prepared each time to not be disappointed if he says no. Even if he's said yes the last dozen times, accept no with grace.
Let go of your grudge aggainst him saying that your home is "full of hatred". My dad gave me notes that he kept from my childhood a few years ago. Most of the notes were me writing something like "You are very, very mean". I don't think I said I hated them, because I was afraid of what that meant and how that might change how they felt about me. But I was clearly very frustrated when I wrote those things. They were cute to my parents. They remained cute to my dad so that they were part of the small bits of memorablia he kept from my childhood. They are sad to me. I can picture little me in my bedroom where I'd been sent for one crime or another frustrated and angry and lashing out with words. Don't hold on to his anger, don't carry that grudge.
--------------
Anyway that's the hard-cold-truthful background. But I'm looking for
ways to change all that. As I said the education part of the
unschooling isn't the problem. But the "radical" stuff is harder.
Here are some of our more recent struggles:
-----------
Whose struggles are these? They sound like they are your struggles with him and not his struggles with you. It sounds like you are asking him to change for you and not the other way around. It helps a lot not to make an "I" issue a "we" issue.
----------------
1. We have a family history of insulin-related problems (diabetes,
hypo- hyperglycemia). I'm pretty certain he is hypoglycemic like me
but he's afraid of the pin prick that is needed to monitor his blood
sugar. All he wants to eat is carbs. His body craves it. We talk
about blood sugar, sugar cravings meaning he needs protein, etc. It's
no use. The three foods he's almost completely lived off of for the
past few months is toast, pasta and rice. Lately his blood sugar has
been peaking and crashing so much that I'm now insisting he eat
protein with every meal (peanut butter on his toast, sauce w/ his
spaghetti etc). But he still won't eat many fruits or veggies
(sometimes an orange, sometimes a carrot, tomatoes if they are in
season, otherwise he doesn't like their taste). He told me today that
he's been having a lot of cramping and muscle soreness. I talked to
him about his diet and vitamin deficiencies. He told me he just
doesn't like anything else. What can I do? I'm starting to get really
concerned but I know this fighting over food isn't helping. But
neither is reasoning. Kids need guidance right? I feel it's my job to
take care of him when he isn't capable of doing so himself. But how
do I do that without causing more problems?
----------------
You've really worked yourself up to a state of frenzy and fear. Breathe. The more you make food a fight the more likely he isn't going to want to hear anything you say about food. Stop talking about it. Take a break. He likes pasta, toast and rice, right? Try making your own pasta. I love homemade pasta and the version I make takes 2 eggs to a cup of durum flour. That's a lot of protein. Maybe he won't like it, but maybe he will. What about egg fried rice, or David's been making this amazing dirty rice recipe from Rick Bayless' Mexican Kitchen cookbook that has chicken stock and onions in it. Maybe variations on a theme will appeal. Maybe they won't, don't make him eat them, it will just erode what trust you have built up. But don't see his choices as limitations to get over, see them as boundaries to work within. Toast, different bread, french toast, egg in the whole, cinnamon and sugar toast, I'm sure other people could offer you different ideas. What
about drinks? What does he like to drink? Banana milk shakes are good, a little ice cream with a banana and milk, oh and if you have malt powder, a banana malt, yummm. Orange julius, here's a recipe: http://paulmayne.org/blog/2005/10/orange-julius-recipe/. Platters make a big difference in Simon's or Linnaea's food intake. I go through what food we have and fix up a choice of finger foods for them to choose from. I bring it to them and they get to eat what they want and leave what they don't. I clean it up without comment. Oh, I've just discovered how to make the perfect chips. I peel a potato with a peeler, keeping the skin, and then keep peeling it. Peeling it gets it potato chip thin. Then I put the peeled potato in a bowl of salty water to get rid of some of the starch, it keeps them from sticking together so much when they fry. Then I deep fry it. Lightly salted and they are delicious. I did it with the potato and sweet potato peelings from dinner
prep tonight, David snarfed them down. I'll try beets sometimes, I love beet chips. And with a ranch dip, oh, that would be good.
One of the problems with being emotional about his food intake is that he will see food as something to be emotional about. I really enjoy enjoying food. But I hated food as a child. I didn't eat enough of what I was supposed to eat for my parents. I even told my 1st grade teacher that I was allergic to food. Got spanked over that one. It isn't that I hated food, but I didn't like the pressure that came with not being a good eater. It took a long time of no pressure as an adult to get to a point where I was willing to try new things. A long time. I really enjoy enjoying food now. There are still things I don't like, but I don't like them by my own preference as opposed to because of some emotional holdover from my childhood.
----------------------
2. Anytime we play a game and he thinks even for a moment that he's
going to lose he gets so upset with himself that he quits playing.
If he loses he gets SO mad and won't play that game again for a long
time. What can I say or do then? If I say he's doing good or point
out anything positive he gets more upset. If he thinks I'm taking it
easy on him or letting him win he gets upset. I don't know how to
respond so I end up getting aggravated, which of course doesn't help.
We rarely play games anymore because what is suppose to be fun ends
up being a nightmare. It's the same thing with art. He's very criticl
with himself and rarely ever tries. When he does and it turns out
differently than he wanted it will be many more months before he
tries again. I'm sure he's learned the critical stuff from me but I
don't know how to undo it now. I've read in so many places that
constant praise and positive reinforcement isn't healthy either but
is there ever a time for it? Maybe to boost his confidence? Or will
that just cause another problem in the future?
------------------
What kind of games are you talking about? Board games, lose more often. I can throw a game. I don't have any ego involved with losing or winning. Simon and I were playing Pokemon board game in the front yard. He was 5 or 6. A neighbor boy came by and joined us. We hadn't ever met before, but he was friendly and he came and played with us. Simon got upset because he didn't roll the right dice roll to catch a pokemon he'd landed on. He got really upset and kicked over the board. The little neighbor boy asked me why I didn't just let him have the card. He was right. I didn't need to hold him to the rules of the game. Playing a game was about playing, not about the game. Are you talking video games? Some of them can be so very stressful. Can you buy guides or download and print out walkthroughs? Can you work through the sections that he has a harder time with?
Art is such a weird thing. There isn't a right and wrong and yet there is a goal. Or there can be. I wouldn't worry at all about his relationship with art. I'd just keep supplies easily accessible and be pleasantly surprised when he creates and don't worry at all when he doesn't.
---------------------
3. Our days go much smoother when neither of us are playing on the
electronics. But we both spend a lot of time either online (me) or
playing video games (him). I've gone back and forth with this lately.
I know that doesn't help. But I can't shake the feeling that both of
us are spending too much time in front of a screen. We do so many
other things when we're not. Of course he doesn't like the idea of
limiting it. But we both are happier w/ each other when it is
limited. We argue less, we play more. Things are just smoother. And
right now that peace is really needed. Would it be the worst thing if
I went back to limiting it for awhile (and I DO mean for both of us)
until things were better? And then maybe after things have been
better for awhile just start "saying yes" more? Kinda like starting
over with it.
----------------------------
You want permission to put a wedge in your relationship? A relationship where trust is thin on the ground already? He's told you he doesn't want limitations. Of course that means that he knows you are thinking about it and don't approve of the video games already. So, breathe, breathing is important and completely underrated. Breathe, and play with him. You can completely make your own choice to walk away from the computer and be in the room with him. You can hang out and watch. I love watching Simon or Linnaea play a game. I like playing with them. I have recently learned how to play first person in Halo 3. I couldn't do that for ages, but playing with Simon and Linnaea was such an appealling thing that I'm at least able to walk without running into walls, at least not too frequently.
You can't change him. You can limit him and you can squash him into what you think will improve him. But it won't change him, except to make him think that what he likes isn't any good and to reaffirm his belief that home is a bad place to be. What he likes is good. Video games are totally fun. And they'd be even more fun if you went and hung out with him. And less frustrating if you brought him food and drink while he played.
--------------------
There are other scenarios too but these are the biggest ones lately.
I feel like I need alternative ways to respond, ideas on how to keep
myself on track, ways to keep us working *together* rather than
fighting against each other.
----------------------
From what you've written your the one picking fights. Believe in him, value what interests him, listen to him and be there with him and for him. Time is your biggest ally, as well as the thing that is inexorably taking away your chance of getting it right. Be the parent you want to be now. Right now.
----------------
I feel like in many ways I'm starting all over. How do I do this?
Should I reread every book I've ever read? Should I just constantly
stalk the boards again? How did/do you stay on track and not revert
back to old habits?
---------------
I've been on this list and other lists for years. Reading about people's lives with their children that area happy and engaged and wonderful and fun and filled with laughter, that keeps me on track. Seeing my own life full of joy, that is the best reward and feedback and reversion proofing I have.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"Have you ever appologised to them for past parenting mistakes? That
was helpful for me and Ray. Something else to consider is talking
about the way you feel about how you *used* to parent vs how you're
trying to parent now. Rather than talking about unschooling as a
philosophy, go right to the heart, as it were."
-------------
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Education isn't the problem....
It's not the unschooling I struggle with, it's being a better parent. I can
admit that most of our issues come from my parenting - my downfalls
are being impatient, and distracted. I also know I have a problem
with holding my frustration in until I explode. I hate when I'm not
my best self but sometimes I just don't know how to handle things and
so I fall back on old habits.
-----------------
I spanked Simon and Linnaea when they were little. I'm not proud of it, and I've apologised to both of them and to David, my husband, for that kind of abuse. I kept talking to myself about how I wanted to stop and how I should stop and then I'd lose it and revert to this abusive retribution for them doing something I didn't like. One day I just said I'm done and I haven't hit them since. No falling back, no nothing. I haven't hit Simon or Linnaea in 6 years. The idea of hitting them is so alien to me it is like it was a different person. But it wasn't, it was me. And I own that mistake.
-----------------
There are times when I'm doing great - present, involved, patient.
But the negative history is there and DS can't seem to let it go even
when things are going great so it tends to get me off track again. I
can't seem to give him enough time to let the past go; I can't seem
to make permenant changes within myself. I know I blame him in some
ways, thinking if only he were trying as hard as I am we'd be moving
forward.
------------------
He doesn't have to try hard for you to be a better parent. Everytime you choose a better path, you get to be a better parent. Everytime you breathe through stress or recognize that he is a separate person from he and as such has a right to his feelings and his opinions, you get to be a better parent. See those as triumphs. When you misstep, when you screw up, recognize it and apologise and try and do better the next time. He's 9, he can't be better at this then you are. I hold grudges. There are things I don't forgive quickly. You screwed up. Him not forgiving you is part of the cost of screwing up. He won't trust you until you prove yourself trustworthy to him and that will take as long as it takes.
---------------
I see one version of him at home and another version elsewhere. One
is happy, patient, optimistic, eager...the other is short-tempered,
pessimistic, unhappy.
----------------
Are you different in different environments? What makes one environment better for you than another? When you are out is there more going on? Is there engagement and interaction and socializing? Can you make those things more available when you are home?
--------------
I know he gets the negative attributes from me.
---------
Are you talking genetics or environment? If genetics it needs an environment to encourage it along. There are very few behaviors (I can't think of one) that are purely genetic, they play off the environment. It's why humans are so good at adapting to different environments. If you are the environment that he gets negative in, try and live lightly around him. Breathe more, look for the light, put on music that makes you bounce (REM's Furry Happy Monster always get me bouncing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkHM8xG6i8o), eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are tired, laugh, watch Eddie Izzard and ask Cake or Death occasionally (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZVjKlBCvhg), find the things that make you sing and dance and laugh and play and immerse yourself in those things so that when you are with him you are joyous. Be joyous with him. Be thankful for this lovely 9 year old and dance when you see him smile.
---------------
I asked him once why he's so happy when he's not at home - he said
our home is "full of hatred". :( The thing is he's his best when I'm
not around; I'm the one he views as full of hatred. :( I'm really not
that angry or hateful. But that's obviously how he's interpreting me.
------------------
Go out more. If he feels better out, find things to do and go do them. And when you are home, make it engaging and interesting and fun. Don't have being at home boring or restful or a break or whatever, make it about a cool movie that you got or downloaded from netflix or the Xbox 360 or wherever and hang out and watch The Love Guru and eat popcorn or a chocolate fondue with pears and strawberries and bananas and angel food cake, and laugh when checking the cave for bats. Or play Katamari Damacy on the ps2 together. Or have a disco and play all the Lily Allen that amuses you or that Drowning Pool song Bodies which my son Simon loves or try and dance the World of Warcraft dances http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=066_q4DIeqk or go watch Oxhorn's videos: http://www.brandonmdennis.com/ or the Evolution of Dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg. Make a fort, play hide and seek, build paper airplanes, do an egg drop, bake a cake, have a squirt gun
battle, play tennis with a balloon, I could go on. It might take a while for him to want to do with you if he doesn't trust you. So you do and have fun and offer, always offer, for him to join. Be prepared each time to not be disappointed if he says no. Even if he's said yes the last dozen times, accept no with grace.
Let go of your grudge aggainst him saying that your home is "full of hatred". My dad gave me notes that he kept from my childhood a few years ago. Most of the notes were me writing something like "You are very, very mean". I don't think I said I hated them, because I was afraid of what that meant and how that might change how they felt about me. But I was clearly very frustrated when I wrote those things. They were cute to my parents. They remained cute to my dad so that they were part of the small bits of memorablia he kept from my childhood. They are sad to me. I can picture little me in my bedroom where I'd been sent for one crime or another frustrated and angry and lashing out with words. Don't hold on to his anger, don't carry that grudge.
--------------
Anyway that's the hard-cold-truthful background. But I'm looking for
ways to change all that. As I said the education part of the
unschooling isn't the problem. But the "radical" stuff is harder.
Here are some of our more recent struggles:
-----------
Whose struggles are these? They sound like they are your struggles with him and not his struggles with you. It sounds like you are asking him to change for you and not the other way around. It helps a lot not to make an "I" issue a "we" issue.
----------------
1. We have a family history of insulin-related problems (diabetes,
hypo- hyperglycemia). I'm pretty certain he is hypoglycemic like me
but he's afraid of the pin prick that is needed to monitor his blood
sugar. All he wants to eat is carbs. His body craves it. We talk
about blood sugar, sugar cravings meaning he needs protein, etc. It's
no use. The three foods he's almost completely lived off of for the
past few months is toast, pasta and rice. Lately his blood sugar has
been peaking and crashing so much that I'm now insisting he eat
protein with every meal (peanut butter on his toast, sauce w/ his
spaghetti etc). But he still won't eat many fruits or veggies
(sometimes an orange, sometimes a carrot, tomatoes if they are in
season, otherwise he doesn't like their taste). He told me today that
he's been having a lot of cramping and muscle soreness. I talked to
him about his diet and vitamin deficiencies. He told me he just
doesn't like anything else. What can I do? I'm starting to get really
concerned but I know this fighting over food isn't helping. But
neither is reasoning. Kids need guidance right? I feel it's my job to
take care of him when he isn't capable of doing so himself. But how
do I do that without causing more problems?
----------------
You've really worked yourself up to a state of frenzy and fear. Breathe. The more you make food a fight the more likely he isn't going to want to hear anything you say about food. Stop talking about it. Take a break. He likes pasta, toast and rice, right? Try making your own pasta. I love homemade pasta and the version I make takes 2 eggs to a cup of durum flour. That's a lot of protein. Maybe he won't like it, but maybe he will. What about egg fried rice, or David's been making this amazing dirty rice recipe from Rick Bayless' Mexican Kitchen cookbook that has chicken stock and onions in it. Maybe variations on a theme will appeal. Maybe they won't, don't make him eat them, it will just erode what trust you have built up. But don't see his choices as limitations to get over, see them as boundaries to work within. Toast, different bread, french toast, egg in the whole, cinnamon and sugar toast, I'm sure other people could offer you different ideas. What
about drinks? What does he like to drink? Banana milk shakes are good, a little ice cream with a banana and milk, oh and if you have malt powder, a banana malt, yummm. Orange julius, here's a recipe: http://paulmayne.org/blog/2005/10/orange-julius-recipe/. Platters make a big difference in Simon's or Linnaea's food intake. I go through what food we have and fix up a choice of finger foods for them to choose from. I bring it to them and they get to eat what they want and leave what they don't. I clean it up without comment. Oh, I've just discovered how to make the perfect chips. I peel a potato with a peeler, keeping the skin, and then keep peeling it. Peeling it gets it potato chip thin. Then I put the peeled potato in a bowl of salty water to get rid of some of the starch, it keeps them from sticking together so much when they fry. Then I deep fry it. Lightly salted and they are delicious. I did it with the potato and sweet potato peelings from dinner
prep tonight, David snarfed them down. I'll try beets sometimes, I love beet chips. And with a ranch dip, oh, that would be good.
One of the problems with being emotional about his food intake is that he will see food as something to be emotional about. I really enjoy enjoying food. But I hated food as a child. I didn't eat enough of what I was supposed to eat for my parents. I even told my 1st grade teacher that I was allergic to food. Got spanked over that one. It isn't that I hated food, but I didn't like the pressure that came with not being a good eater. It took a long time of no pressure as an adult to get to a point where I was willing to try new things. A long time. I really enjoy enjoying food now. There are still things I don't like, but I don't like them by my own preference as opposed to because of some emotional holdover from my childhood.
----------------------
2. Anytime we play a game and he thinks even for a moment that he's
going to lose he gets so upset with himself that he quits playing.
If he loses he gets SO mad and won't play that game again for a long
time. What can I say or do then? If I say he's doing good or point
out anything positive he gets more upset. If he thinks I'm taking it
easy on him or letting him win he gets upset. I don't know how to
respond so I end up getting aggravated, which of course doesn't help.
We rarely play games anymore because what is suppose to be fun ends
up being a nightmare. It's the same thing with art. He's very criticl
with himself and rarely ever tries. When he does and it turns out
differently than he wanted it will be many more months before he
tries again. I'm sure he's learned the critical stuff from me but I
don't know how to undo it now. I've read in so many places that
constant praise and positive reinforcement isn't healthy either but
is there ever a time for it? Maybe to boost his confidence? Or will
that just cause another problem in the future?
------------------
What kind of games are you talking about? Board games, lose more often. I can throw a game. I don't have any ego involved with losing or winning. Simon and I were playing Pokemon board game in the front yard. He was 5 or 6. A neighbor boy came by and joined us. We hadn't ever met before, but he was friendly and he came and played with us. Simon got upset because he didn't roll the right dice roll to catch a pokemon he'd landed on. He got really upset and kicked over the board. The little neighbor boy asked me why I didn't just let him have the card. He was right. I didn't need to hold him to the rules of the game. Playing a game was about playing, not about the game. Are you talking video games? Some of them can be so very stressful. Can you buy guides or download and print out walkthroughs? Can you work through the sections that he has a harder time with?
Art is such a weird thing. There isn't a right and wrong and yet there is a goal. Or there can be. I wouldn't worry at all about his relationship with art. I'd just keep supplies easily accessible and be pleasantly surprised when he creates and don't worry at all when he doesn't.
---------------------
3. Our days go much smoother when neither of us are playing on the
electronics. But we both spend a lot of time either online (me) or
playing video games (him). I've gone back and forth with this lately.
I know that doesn't help. But I can't shake the feeling that both of
us are spending too much time in front of a screen. We do so many
other things when we're not. Of course he doesn't like the idea of
limiting it. But we both are happier w/ each other when it is
limited. We argue less, we play more. Things are just smoother. And
right now that peace is really needed. Would it be the worst thing if
I went back to limiting it for awhile (and I DO mean for both of us)
until things were better? And then maybe after things have been
better for awhile just start "saying yes" more? Kinda like starting
over with it.
----------------------------
You want permission to put a wedge in your relationship? A relationship where trust is thin on the ground already? He's told you he doesn't want limitations. Of course that means that he knows you are thinking about it and don't approve of the video games already. So, breathe, breathing is important and completely underrated. Breathe, and play with him. You can completely make your own choice to walk away from the computer and be in the room with him. You can hang out and watch. I love watching Simon or Linnaea play a game. I like playing with them. I have recently learned how to play first person in Halo 3. I couldn't do that for ages, but playing with Simon and Linnaea was such an appealling thing that I'm at least able to walk without running into walls, at least not too frequently.
You can't change him. You can limit him and you can squash him into what you think will improve him. But it won't change him, except to make him think that what he likes isn't any good and to reaffirm his belief that home is a bad place to be. What he likes is good. Video games are totally fun. And they'd be even more fun if you went and hung out with him. And less frustrating if you brought him food and drink while he played.
--------------------
There are other scenarios too but these are the biggest ones lately.
I feel like I need alternative ways to respond, ideas on how to keep
myself on track, ways to keep us working *together* rather than
fighting against each other.
----------------------
From what you've written your the one picking fights. Believe in him, value what interests him, listen to him and be there with him and for him. Time is your biggest ally, as well as the thing that is inexorably taking away your chance of getting it right. Be the parent you want to be now. Right now.
----------------
I feel like in many ways I'm starting all over. How do I do this?
Should I reread every book I've ever read? Should I just constantly
stalk the boards again? How did/do you stay on track and not revert
back to old habits?
---------------
I've been on this list and other lists for years. Reading about people's lives with their children that area happy and engaged and wonderful and fun and filled with laughter, that keeps me on track. Seeing my own life full of joy, that is the best reward and feedback and reversion proofing I have.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jimenycricketz
Thanks for the replies. I've been reading and rereading them in hopes
something would click or sink in or something. There are some things
I can definitely say I'm doing - owning my mistakes, apologizing,
trying to create the right environment for him.
I do see myself as being the root of it - him learning from me as an
environment, not genetically. But instead of being able to use that
as motivation to be a better example, I feel bogged down by it.
That's when I tend to find faults in DH and DS; I guess to make
myself feel less terrible. I know when I'm feeling my best and being
my best, my family is so happy. But that best is so difficult to be
sometimes.
I try to create an environment that DS thrives in - positive,
cheerful, patient, like the people he enjoys being with are - but
when I do I feel so phony and *exhausted* by the effort. That
exhuastion becomes part of the problem. I feel as if I'm trying to
change my personality, instead of working with it, if that makes
sense.
Lately I've been trying to picture who I want to be and what that
looks like - having more time for art and creativity, music and
dancing, baking and gardening, making more time for friends and fun
and laughter. Then I think of all the things that I need to help me
accomplish those things - an organized home, money, a better routine.
Instead I feel like my life is so full of things that must get done,
tasks I can't seem to catch up on. We never manage to get out as
often as we'd like, we never manage to do all the fun things we talk
about doing. And I never manage to find any peacefulness in my life.
That of course translate to my mood - distracted, impatient, busy,
tired, cranky, frustrated. I just want to get on top of things - I'm
not just talking the day to day stuff either. A leak in the roof or a
computer going down or something else that takes me away from what I
want to be doing - something I can't put off but so badly don't want
to do that I get frustrated that it's ruining my plans. Ugg, I'm
rambling off into a tangent...
I'll try to go back and answer some comment more fully...
Jaime
something would click or sink in or something. There are some things
I can definitely say I'm doing - owning my mistakes, apologizing,
trying to create the right environment for him.
I do see myself as being the root of it - him learning from me as an
environment, not genetically. But instead of being able to use that
as motivation to be a better example, I feel bogged down by it.
That's when I tend to find faults in DH and DS; I guess to make
myself feel less terrible. I know when I'm feeling my best and being
my best, my family is so happy. But that best is so difficult to be
sometimes.
I try to create an environment that DS thrives in - positive,
cheerful, patient, like the people he enjoys being with are - but
when I do I feel so phony and *exhausted* by the effort. That
exhuastion becomes part of the problem. I feel as if I'm trying to
change my personality, instead of working with it, if that makes
sense.
Lately I've been trying to picture who I want to be and what that
looks like - having more time for art and creativity, music and
dancing, baking and gardening, making more time for friends and fun
and laughter. Then I think of all the things that I need to help me
accomplish those things - an organized home, money, a better routine.
Instead I feel like my life is so full of things that must get done,
tasks I can't seem to catch up on. We never manage to get out as
often as we'd like, we never manage to do all the fun things we talk
about doing. And I never manage to find any peacefulness in my life.
That of course translate to my mood - distracted, impatient, busy,
tired, cranky, frustrated. I just want to get on top of things - I'm
not just talking the day to day stuff either. A leak in the roof or a
computer going down or something else that takes me away from what I
want to be doing - something I can't put off but so badly don't want
to do that I get frustrated that it's ruining my plans. Ugg, I'm
rambling off into a tangent...
I'll try to go back and answer some comment more fully...
Jaime
jimenycricketz
>Yes I am afraid. I lost my dad to type 1 diabetes long before I
> You've really worked yourself up to a state of frenzy and fear.
should have because he didn't take care of his blood sugar levels.
Hislevels went all over the palce and it killed him. Now my son is
showing the same syptoms. I'm very afraid. I took a break from it for
awhile. I let it go completely trusting he'd work it out (like he did
with sleep or candy). But it doesn't work that way. His boody is
telling him to eat more and more sugar. It's putting more and more
stress on his pancreas. Taking a break is no longer an option.
I know our fighting about it makes him not want to hear it. I'm
trying not to fight with him. I don't want food to become an
emotional thing for him and I understand what you say when you say it
will. I *know* all this. But this is more serious than a kid trying
to figure out his bodies needs.
I will definitely look into a protein powder. Can powders be added
into other things, instead of just smoothies? And I'm trying to find
new recipes he'll like; he gives me ideas sometimes. Sometimes he'll
actually eat it and sometimes he won't. If we have dinner that
includes a starch he'll fill up on the starch if we don't insist he
eat something with it so that it doesn't turn to sugar too fast.
Tonight he had only rice with butter for dinner. Within 10 minutes he
was *literally* climbing the walls, bouncing and screaming because
the his blood sugar spiked. Usually after something like that it will
drop quickly and leave him hyper-irritable and tired, so I made him
find something else to eat. He had several spoonfuls of peanut butter
and seemed to level out.
>a >pokemon he'd landed on. He got really upset and kicked over the
> What kind of games are you talking about? Board games, lose more
>often. I can throw a game. I don't have any ego involved with losing
>or winning. Simon and I were playing Pokemon board game in the front
>yard. He was 5 or 6. A neighbor boy came by and joined us. We hadn't
>ever met before, but he was friendly and he came and played with us.
>Simon got upset because he didn't roll the right dice roll to catch
>board. The little neighbor boy asked me why I didn't just let himUsually board games. I am letting him win more. It's tricky business.
>have the card. He was right. I didn't need to hold him to the rules
>of the game. Playing a game was about playing, not about the game.
I'm hoping to show him that it is about playing together and not who
wins. If we're playing on the same side (like some cooperative video
games) it is much better. But if there is any competition he feels
like he has to win or else not play.
> You want permission to put a wedge in your relationship? AI guess that's one way of looking at it. But things are *more*
>relationship where trust is thin on the ground already?
peaceful, not stressful. We don't argue through it all. And I know
this doesn't exactly make me mom-of-the-year but I don't have any
interest in playing videos games, just as he doesn't have any
interest in spending time online with me. But we can and do connect
in other ways when we're not doing our own individual thing. And
isn't that a step in the right direction, even if it doesn't look
like someone else's house, if we are playing and enjoying each other
doing something we both enjoy?
For what it's worth, I'm not anti-video games or anything. I'm just
trying to tackle one thing at a time I guess.
>him, value what interests him, listen to him and be there with him
> From what you've written your the one picking fights. Believe in
and for him. Time is your biggest ally, as well as the thing that is
inexorably taking away your chance of getting it right. Be the parent
you want to be now. Right now.
>I don't feel I'm "picking fights". I don't want to fight. I do feel
I'm not handling situations in the best way but that's a lot
different than intentionally picking fights. And that has more to do
with not knowing another way to handle it. Being the parent I want to
be is tough when I'm not sure what that looks like.
Thank you for the recommendations given thus far,
Jaime
cindybablitz
(Hugs) to you Jaime. You have an overflowing plate, reads like, and
I just want to offer you compassion. You're getting so much good
advice and information and support in reframing here ... take in what
you can, be willing to stretch your comfort zone, and be gentle with
yourself with everything.
Here's just one recipe I use to bring protein into the day especially
for my flour and sugar loving babe. This recipe is so full of good
things, I'm so happy when my boys want more!
Chocolate Coconut Bites
3/4 cup milled flaxseed (Bob's Red Mill does a flaxmeal I've used, or
you can make your own with whole flaxseeds whizzed in a VitaMix)
1/2 cup finely chopped nuts, (try a variety of hazelnuts, walnuts,
pecans, etc.)
1/3 cup cocoa powder, (I buy the very best rich dark I can find, my
personal favourite: Bernard Callebaut)
1/4 cup whey or hemp protein concentrate, unflavoured, (I usually use
hemp)
1/4 tsp sea salt
zest of one lemon
1/2 cup almond butter, (I always use organic)
1/3 cup tahini, (organic, natch)
1/3 cup unpasteurized honey
2 1/2 tbsp coconut oil, (which I buy in big tubs and also use
regularly for cooking and baking)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
Mix everything except the shredded coconut together. Refrigerate for
10 to 15 minutes. Shape into one inch balls. Roll balls in
coconut. Refrigerate until serving. This recipe is easily doubled
or tripled to make 60-100 balls that freeze well in an airtight
container.
Jaime, this recipe is from an *excellent* recipe book created here in
Calgary by two brilliant foodies: Barb Davies and Jennifer
Rallison. Slice: Health Inspired Food is an investment that would
really pay off for you, I think, given some of what you've shared are
food challenges for your son ... nevermind that it's full of just
plain yummy recipes for you and anyone you cook for. I lovelovelove
this cookbook full of really inspiring, SO delicious whole food
recipes, ideas and information. http://www.sliceofhealth.com/
Oh argh! I see it's out of print already?! WTF?! Jaime, if you are
interested in owning this cookbook, you let me know ... and I will
see if I can source a copy locally.
loving,
cindy
--- In [email protected], "jimenycricketz"
<jimenycricketz@...> wrote:
I just want to offer you compassion. You're getting so much good
advice and information and support in reframing here ... take in what
you can, be willing to stretch your comfort zone, and be gentle with
yourself with everything.
Here's just one recipe I use to bring protein into the day especially
for my flour and sugar loving babe. This recipe is so full of good
things, I'm so happy when my boys want more!
Chocolate Coconut Bites
3/4 cup milled flaxseed (Bob's Red Mill does a flaxmeal I've used, or
you can make your own with whole flaxseeds whizzed in a VitaMix)
1/2 cup finely chopped nuts, (try a variety of hazelnuts, walnuts,
pecans, etc.)
1/3 cup cocoa powder, (I buy the very best rich dark I can find, my
personal favourite: Bernard Callebaut)
1/4 cup whey or hemp protein concentrate, unflavoured, (I usually use
hemp)
1/4 tsp sea salt
zest of one lemon
1/2 cup almond butter, (I always use organic)
1/3 cup tahini, (organic, natch)
1/3 cup unpasteurized honey
2 1/2 tbsp coconut oil, (which I buy in big tubs and also use
regularly for cooking and baking)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
Mix everything except the shredded coconut together. Refrigerate for
10 to 15 minutes. Shape into one inch balls. Roll balls in
coconut. Refrigerate until serving. This recipe is easily doubled
or tripled to make 60-100 balls that freeze well in an airtight
container.
Jaime, this recipe is from an *excellent* recipe book created here in
Calgary by two brilliant foodies: Barb Davies and Jennifer
Rallison. Slice: Health Inspired Food is an investment that would
really pay off for you, I think, given some of what you've shared are
food challenges for your son ... nevermind that it's full of just
plain yummy recipes for you and anyone you cook for. I lovelovelove
this cookbook full of really inspiring, SO delicious whole food
recipes, ideas and information. http://www.sliceofhealth.com/
Oh argh! I see it's out of print already?! WTF?! Jaime, if you are
interested in owning this cookbook, you let me know ... and I will
see if I can source a copy locally.
loving,
cindy
--- In [email protected], "jimenycricketz"
<jimenycricketz@...> wrote:
>for
>
>
> >
> > You've really worked yourself up to a state of frenzy and fear.
>
> Yes I am afraid. I lost my dad to type 1 diabetes long before I
> should have because he didn't take care of his blood sugar levels.
> Hislevels went all over the palce and it killed him. Now my son is
> showing the same syptoms. I'm very afraid. I took a break from it
> awhile. I let it go completely trusting he'd work it out (like hedid
> with sleep or candy). But it doesn't work that way. His boody isit
> telling him to eat more and more sugar. It's putting more and more
> stress on his pancreas. Taking a break is no longer an option.
>
> I know our fighting about it makes him not want to hear it. I'm
> trying not to fight with him. I don't want food to become an
> emotional thing for him and I understand what you say when you say
> will. I *know* all this. But this is more serious than a kid tryingfind
> to figure out his bodies needs.
>
> I will definitely look into a protein powder. Can powders be added
> into other things, instead of just smoothies? And I'm trying to
> new recipes he'll like; he gives me ideas sometimes. Sometimeshe'll
> actually eat it and sometimes he won't. If we have dinner thathe
> includes a starch he'll fill up on the starch if we don't insist he
> eat something with it so that it doesn't turn to sugar too fast.
>
> Tonight he had only rice with butter for dinner. Within 10 minutes
> was *literally* climbing the walls, bouncing and screaming becausewill
> the his blood sugar spiked. Usually after something like that it
> drop quickly and leave him hyper-irritable and tired, so I made himbutter
> find something else to eat. He had several spoonfuls of peanut
> and seemed to level out.losing
>
>
> >
> > What kind of games are you talking about? Board games, lose more
> >often. I can throw a game. I don't have any ego involved with
> >or winning. Simon and I were playing Pokemon board game in thefront
> >yard. He was 5 or 6. A neighbor boy came by and joined us. Wehadn't
> >ever met before, but he was friendly and he came and played withus.
> >Simon got upset because he didn't roll the right dice roll tocatch
> a >pokemon he'd landed on. He got really upset and kicked over therules
> >board. The little neighbor boy asked me why I didn't just let him
> >have the card. He was right. I didn't need to hold him to the
> >of the game. Playing a game was about playing, not about the game.business.
>
> Usually board games. I am letting him win more. It's tricky
> I'm hoping to show him that it is about playing together and notwho
> wins. If we're playing on the same side (like some cooperativevideo
> games) it is much better. But if there is any competition he feelsother
> like he has to win or else not play.
>
>
> > You want permission to put a wedge in your relationship? A
> >relationship where trust is thin on the ground already?
>
>
> I guess that's one way of looking at it. But things are *more*
> peaceful, not stressful. We don't argue through it all. And I know
> this doesn't exactly make me mom-of-the-year but I don't have any
> interest in playing videos games, just as he doesn't have any
> interest in spending time online with me. But we can and do connect
> in other ways when we're not doing our own individual thing. And
> isn't that a step in the right direction, even if it doesn't look
> like someone else's house, if we are playing and enjoying each
> doing something we both enjoy?is
>
> For what it's worth, I'm not anti-video games or anything. I'm just
> trying to tackle one thing at a time I guess.
>
>
> >
> > From what you've written your the one picking fights. Believe in
> him, value what interests him, listen to him and be there with him
> and for him. Time is your biggest ally, as well as the thing that
> inexorably taking away your chance of getting it right. Be theparent
> you want to be now. Right now.do
> >
>
> I don't feel I'm "picking fights". I don't want to fight. I do feel
> I'm not handling situations in the best way but that's a lot
> different than intentionally picking fights. And that has more to
> with not knowing another way to handle it. Being the parent I wantto
> be is tough when I'm not sure what that looks like.
>
> Thank you for the recommendations given thus far,
> Jaime
>
[email protected]
Cindy,
I don't know how this happened, but you forwarded this to me, Mary Kay, not Jamie! I couldn't find her complete address to forward it...
MK
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(Hugs) to you Jaime. You have an overflowing plate, reads like, and
I just want to offer you compassion. You're getting so much good
advice and information and support in reframing here ... take in what
you can, be willing to stretch your comfort zone, and be gentle with
yourself with everything.
Here's just one recipe I use to bring protein into the day especially
for my flour and sugar loving babe. This recipe is so full of good
things, I'm so happy when my boys want more!
Chocolate Coconut Bites
3/4 cup milled flaxseed (Bob's Red Mill does a flaxmeal I've used, or
you can make your own with whole flaxseeds whizzed in a VitaMix)
1/2 cup finely chopped nuts, (try a variety of hazelnuts, walnuts,
pecans, etc.)
1/3 cup cocoa powder, (I buy the very best rich dark I can find, my
personal favourite: Bernard Callebaut)
1/4 cup whey or hemp protein concentrate, unflavoured, (I usually use
hemp)
1/4 tsp sea salt
zest of one lemon
1/2 cup almond butter, (I always use organic)
1/3 cup tahini, (organic, natch)
1/3 cup unpasteurized honey
2 1/2 tbsp coconut oil, (which I buy in big tubs and also use
regularly for cooking and baking)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
Mix everything except the shredded coconut together. Refrigerate for
10 to 15 minutes. Shape into one inch balls. Roll balls in
coconut. Refrigerate until serving. This recipe is easily doubled
or tripled to make 60-100 balls that freeze well in an airtight
container.
Jaime, this recipe is from an *excellent* recipe book created here in
Calgary by two brilliant foodies: Barb Davies and Jennifer
Rallison. Slice: Health Inspired Food is an investment that would
really pay off for you, I think, given some of what you've shared are
food challenges for your son ... nevermind that it's full of just
plain yummy recipes for you and anyone you cook for. I lovelovelove
this cookbook full of really inspiring, SO delicious whole food
recipes, ideas and information. http://www.sliceofhealth.com/
Oh argh! I see it's out of print already?! WTF?! Jaime, if you are
interested in owning this cookbook, you let me know ... and I will
see if I can source a copy locally.
loving,
cindy
____________________________________________________________
Need cash? Click to get a cash advance.
http://thirdpartyoffers.juno.com/TGL2141/fc/PnY6rw1hEQDu3yosjl0ZSY2n9QlzuIdhUzYHsm2GiGKkuKD8fxaWj/
I don't know how this happened, but you forwarded this to me, Mary Kay, not Jamie! I couldn't find her complete address to forward it...
MK
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(Hugs) to you Jaime. You have an overflowing plate, reads like, and
I just want to offer you compassion. You're getting so much good
advice and information and support in reframing here ... take in what
you can, be willing to stretch your comfort zone, and be gentle with
yourself with everything.
Here's just one recipe I use to bring protein into the day especially
for my flour and sugar loving babe. This recipe is so full of good
things, I'm so happy when my boys want more!
Chocolate Coconut Bites
3/4 cup milled flaxseed (Bob's Red Mill does a flaxmeal I've used, or
you can make your own with whole flaxseeds whizzed in a VitaMix)
1/2 cup finely chopped nuts, (try a variety of hazelnuts, walnuts,
pecans, etc.)
1/3 cup cocoa powder, (I buy the very best rich dark I can find, my
personal favourite: Bernard Callebaut)
1/4 cup whey or hemp protein concentrate, unflavoured, (I usually use
hemp)
1/4 tsp sea salt
zest of one lemon
1/2 cup almond butter, (I always use organic)
1/3 cup tahini, (organic, natch)
1/3 cup unpasteurized honey
2 1/2 tbsp coconut oil, (which I buy in big tubs and also use
regularly for cooking and baking)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
Mix everything except the shredded coconut together. Refrigerate for
10 to 15 minutes. Shape into one inch balls. Roll balls in
coconut. Refrigerate until serving. This recipe is easily doubled
or tripled to make 60-100 balls that freeze well in an airtight
container.
Jaime, this recipe is from an *excellent* recipe book created here in
Calgary by two brilliant foodies: Barb Davies and Jennifer
Rallison. Slice: Health Inspired Food is an investment that would
really pay off for you, I think, given some of what you've shared are
food challenges for your son ... nevermind that it's full of just
plain yummy recipes for you and anyone you cook for. I lovelovelove
this cookbook full of really inspiring, SO delicious whole food
recipes, ideas and information. http://www.sliceofhealth.com/
Oh argh! I see it's out of print already?! WTF?! Jaime, if you are
interested in owning this cookbook, you let me know ... and I will
see if I can source a copy locally.
loving,
cindy
____________________________________________________________
Need cash? Click to get a cash advance.
http://thirdpartyoffers.juno.com/TGL2141/fc/PnY6rw1hEQDu3yosjl0ZSY2n9QlzuIdhUzYHsm2GiGKkuKD8fxaWj/
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "jimenycricketz"
<jimenycricketz@...> wrote:
goes. Its better, in the sense of being more genuine, to look for
ways to cultivate those attributes more in yourself. And it may be
that those particular attributes (cheerful, positive, patient) aren't
what you need to be cultivating. They're symptoms, if you will, of
somthing else. What do You need to really feel cheerful? A sense of
security? Feeling like someone understands you? Feeling supported?
Think of your needs in that sense - deep down emotional needs, not
just "needing to do the dishes" (although there's such a thing as a
need for order, too).
unschooling, after all.
It has helped me (and my life seems to be full of minor disasters
these days) to actively try to see every "tangent" that Lady Luck
sends me down as an opportunity. Its challenging! Usually I have to
do a little wailing and gnashing of teeth first, and Then take a good
deep breath and look at the latest as a new opportunity. This week
I've had an opportunity to practice patience and optimism in the face
of a glitch in the Unemployment office's computer system! It wasn't
what I had planned for the week, that's for sure.
In order to get *through* that sort of thing emotionally, so that I
can see it as an opportunity and not just a pain in the tail, it
helps me to understand my own process, somewhat. I *know* I'll have
to vent a little, so I look for ways to do that that don't scare the
kids. I *know* I'll obsess for a little while, so I use that as a
chance to touch base with everyone in the family individually - I get
to repeat myself that way ;) I also know that once I've vented and
obessessed a little I need to do something active to change my
attitude. I don't mean active like I need to go jogging or something,
I mean I have to make an effort to shift perspectives. For me, humor
can help a lot. When I can laugh at myself, I'm over the hump.
It doesn't help anything to ignore your feelings. The challenge is
finding ways to work through them so you can move on. From an
unschooling standpoint, any kind of emotional work on your part is
part of your kids' world - they get to see what real grownups do in
real life, to deal with real problems. That's a picture many kids
don't get to see until they're adults, themselves (ourselves!).
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
<jimenycricketz@...> wrote:
>> I try to create an environment that DS thrives in - positive,Its not always possible to "fake it 'til ya make it" as the saying
> cheerful, patient, like the people he enjoys being with are - but
> when I do I feel so phony and *exhausted* by the effort. That
> exhuastion becomes part of the problem. I feel as if I'm trying to
> change my personality, instead of working with it, if that makes
> sense.
goes. Its better, in the sense of being more genuine, to look for
ways to cultivate those attributes more in yourself. And it may be
that those particular attributes (cheerful, positive, patient) aren't
what you need to be cultivating. They're symptoms, if you will, of
somthing else. What do You need to really feel cheerful? A sense of
security? Feeling like someone understands you? Feeling supported?
Think of your needs in that sense - deep down emotional needs, not
just "needing to do the dishes" (although there's such a thing as a
need for order, too).
>I'ma
> not just talking the day to day stuff either. A leak in the roof or
> computer going down or something else that takes me away from whatI
> want to be doing - something I can't put off but so badly don'twant
> to do that I get frustrated that it's ruining my plans. Ugg, I'mIts not, really. How we get through the challenges of life is part of
> rambling off into a tangent...
unschooling, after all.
It has helped me (and my life seems to be full of minor disasters
these days) to actively try to see every "tangent" that Lady Luck
sends me down as an opportunity. Its challenging! Usually I have to
do a little wailing and gnashing of teeth first, and Then take a good
deep breath and look at the latest as a new opportunity. This week
I've had an opportunity to practice patience and optimism in the face
of a glitch in the Unemployment office's computer system! It wasn't
what I had planned for the week, that's for sure.
In order to get *through* that sort of thing emotionally, so that I
can see it as an opportunity and not just a pain in the tail, it
helps me to understand my own process, somewhat. I *know* I'll have
to vent a little, so I look for ways to do that that don't scare the
kids. I *know* I'll obsess for a little while, so I use that as a
chance to touch base with everyone in the family individually - I get
to repeat myself that way ;) I also know that once I've vented and
obessessed a little I need to do something active to change my
attitude. I don't mean active like I need to go jogging or something,
I mean I have to make an effort to shift perspectives. For me, humor
can help a lot. When I can laugh at myself, I'm over the hump.
It doesn't help anything to ignore your feelings. The challenge is
finding ways to work through them so you can move on. From an
unschooling standpoint, any kind of emotional work on your part is
part of your kids' world - they get to see what real grownups do in
real life, to deal with real problems. That's a picture many kids
don't get to see until they're adults, themselves (ourselves!).
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
cindybablitz
<G> Hi Mary Kay!
I posted this to the list, not to you specifically. <G> Jaime will
get this too, from the list ... and any of y'all are welcome to make
the chocolate balls! I'm never shy about sharing my totally awesome
foodie finds. <G>
warmly,
cindy
--- In [email protected], "marykaysimoni@..."
<marykaysimoni@...> wrote:
I posted this to the list, not to you specifically. <G> Jaime will
get this too, from the list ... and any of y'all are welcome to make
the chocolate balls! I'm never shy about sharing my totally awesome
foodie finds. <G>
warmly,
cindy
--- In [email protected], "marykaysimoni@..."
<marykaysimoni@...> wrote:
>Kay, not Jamie! I couldn't find her complete address to forward it...
> Cindy,
>
> I don't know how this happened, but you forwarded this to me, Mary
>what
> MK
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
> (Hugs) to you Jaime. You have an overflowing plate, reads like, and
> I just want to offer you compassion. You're getting so much good
> advice and information and support in reframing here ... take in
> you can, be willing to stretch your comfort zone, and be gentlewith
> yourself with everything.especially
>
> Here's just one recipe I use to bring protein into the day
> for my flour and sugar loving babe. This recipe is so full of goodor
> things, I'm so happy when my boys want more!
>
> Chocolate Coconut Bites
>
> 3/4 cup milled flaxseed (Bob's Red Mill does a flaxmeal I've used,
> you can make your own with whole flaxseeds whizzed in a VitaMix)use
> 1/2 cup finely chopped nuts, (try a variety of hazelnuts, walnuts,
> pecans, etc.)
> 1/3 cup cocoa powder, (I buy the very best rich dark I can find, my
> personal favourite: Bernard Callebaut)
> 1/4 cup whey or hemp protein concentrate, unflavoured, (I usually
> hemp)for
> 1/4 tsp sea salt
> zest of one lemon
> 1/2 cup almond butter, (I always use organic)
> 1/3 cup tahini, (organic, natch)
> 1/3 cup unpasteurized honey
> 2 1/2 tbsp coconut oil, (which I buy in big tubs and also use
> regularly for cooking and baking)
> 1 tsp vanilla extract
> 1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
>
> Mix everything except the shredded coconut together. Refrigerate
> 10 to 15 minutes. Shape into one inch balls. Roll balls inin
> coconut. Refrigerate until serving. This recipe is easily doubled
> or tripled to make 60-100 balls that freeze well in an airtight
> container.
>
> Jaime, this recipe is from an *excellent* recipe book created here
> Calgary by two brilliant foodies: Barb Davies and Jenniferare
> Rallison. Slice: Health Inspired Food is an investment that would
> really pay off for you, I think, given some of what you've shared
> food challenges for your son ... nevermind that it's full of just
> plain yummy recipes for you and anyone you cook for. I lovelovelove
> this cookbook full of really inspiring, SO delicious whole food
> recipes, ideas and information. http://www.sliceofhealth.com/
>
> Oh argh! I see it's out of print already?! WTF?! Jaime, if you are
> interested in owning this cookbook, you let me know ... and I will
> see if I can source a copy locally.
>
> loving,
>
> cindy
Karen James
Fantastic recipe!!!! We loved it. We have tree nut allergies, so we used
sunflower seeds and sunbutter in place of nuts. Thanks a lot!
Karen.
On Thu, Feb 12, 2009 at 1:05 PM, cindybablitz <cindy.bablitz@...
sunflower seeds and sunbutter in place of nuts. Thanks a lot!
Karen.
On Thu, Feb 12, 2009 at 1:05 PM, cindybablitz <cindy.bablitz@...
> wrote:
> (Hugs) to you Jaime. You have an overflowing plate, reads like, and
> I just want to offer you compassion. You're getting so much good
> advice and information and support in reframing here ... take in what
> you can, be willing to stretch your comfort zone, and be gentle with
> yourself with everything.
>
> Here's just one recipe I use to bring protein into the day especially
> for my flour and sugar loving babe. This recipe is so full of good
> things, I'm so happy when my boys want more!
>
> Chocolate Coconut Bites
cindybablitz
Nice! Yup, I sometimes sub in sunflower butter and seeds for any nut
calling recipe, just for variety. And tahini is an easy sub in too
for any nut butter, yeah?
cindy
--- In [email protected], Karen James <semajrak@...>
wrote:
calling recipe, just for variety. And tahini is an easy sub in too
for any nut butter, yeah?
cindy
--- In [email protected], Karen James <semajrak@...>
wrote:
>we used
> Fantastic recipe!!!! We loved it. We have tree nut allergies, so
> sunflower seeds and sunbutter in place of nuts. Thanks a lot!and
>
> Karen.
>
> On Thu, Feb 12, 2009 at 1:05 PM, cindybablitz <cindy.bablitz@...
> > wrote:
>
> > (Hugs) to you Jaime. You have an overflowing plate, reads like,
> > I just want to offer you compassion. You're getting so much goodwhat
> > advice and information and support in reframing here ... take in
> > you can, be willing to stretch your comfort zone, and be gentlewith
> > yourself with everything.especially
> >
> > Here's just one recipe I use to bring protein into the day
> > for my flour and sugar loving babe. This recipe is so full of good
> > things, I'm so happy when my boys want more!
> >
> > Chocolate Coconut Bites
>